Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

Trigger Happy · 01-12-2019 01:22PM

My dad died 22 years ago and I still wonder would he enjoy Christmas in my home and with my family that he never met.
It's not a sad thought as such, just a wonder.

But the first Christmas was a numb one and I really feel for all of you who will feel that emptiness for the first time this year. Much love.
As you were...

Ande1975 · 01-12-2019 06:53PM

I lost my Dad at the beginning of the summer. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer the year before. Never thought last Christmas would be the last one we would spend with him.

Leaving the country this year as I cannot face this Christmas without him but at the same time, I hate the thought of not visiting his grave Christmas Day. It'll be the first Christmas in my 40 plus years I didn't spend it with him.

Field of Dreams was on the telly earlier. I've seen it so many times but this is the first time I've seen it since Dad passed and the ending had me in absolute bits.

My heart goes out to everyone facing Christmas without their loved ones. There is some comfort in knowing we'll be facing it together

jk23 · 01-12-2019 09:47PM

I really think Christmas should be more emphasised on remembering loved ones who passed.

Rather than the mass consumerism and faux happiness everyone has to be around this time.

Spanish Eyes · 01-12-2019 09:53PM

Ande1975 wrote: »

I lost my Dad at the beginning of the summer. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer the year before. Never thought last Christmas would be the last one we would spend with him.

Leaving the country this year as I cannot face this Christmas without him but at the same time, I hate the thought of not visiting his grave Christmas Day. It'll be the first Christmas in my 40 plus years I didn't spend it with him.

Field of Dreams was on the telly earlier. I've seen it so many times but this is the first time I've seen it since Dad passed and the ending had me in absolute bits.

My heart goes out to everyone facing Christmas without their loved ones. There is some comfort in knowing we'll be facing it together

Great post there. As are everyone's. We all face this in our own way, but I have to say I'm a bit flaky right now as we need to select the memorial cards for Mam to be sent out on or before the anniversary. Tradition apparently.

Looking through the verses has me broken up a bit. But hey, better out than in!

But I'll get over it, life goes on and may all your loved ones rest in peace.

magicray · 01-12-2019 10:03PM

I lost my Dad in April and am absolutely dreading Christmas Day, I just can't get myself motivated this year at all - not one pressie has been bought for anyone yet

We were at the light up a life ceremony in the Hospice this evening, it was very emotional but I am glad I went

Spanish Eyes · 01-12-2019 10:08PM

jk23 wrote: »

I really think Christmas should be more emphasised on remembering loved ones who passed.

Rather than the mass consumerism and faux happiness everyone has to be around this time.

It is, but it really only applies to those who are sad at a loss, and in fairness, who wants to see tears at Christmas!

Everyone else is free to enjoy the Season as they wish, but it is consumerism gone a bit mad now in many ways alright.

Still, each to their own.

anewme · 01-12-2019 10:24PM

My Dad is gone but still here.

Dementia is the most cruel disease. Days like today I wonder when he stopped being him? How did I miss it?

Spanish Eyes · 01-12-2019 10:27PM

anewme wrote: »

My Dad is gone but still here.

Dementia is the most cruel disease. Days like today I wonder when he stopped being him? How did I miss it?

Glad you mentioned this. It is terrible to experience on both sides. They are with you, but also gone, and yet still here day to day. Very distressing.

anewme · 01-12-2019 10:50PM

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Glad you mentioned this. It is terrible to experience on both sides. They are with you, but also gone, and yet still here day to day. Very distressing.

Christmas Party today was tough.

Like a bad episode of Phoenix Nights. Funny, cringey, sad, warm, human, thanks to some amazing staff.

Dad would have loved it, if he remembered he was there.

Mean Laqueefa · 01-12-2019 11:10PM

I lost my mam 13th of November, it was my daughters 1st birthday on the 21st of November which was a happy and sad day. We lived in the UK at the time and came home for my mams passing for that period.

Went back to the UK on the on Dec 2nd, quit our jobs, got things in order, wife got a job secured in ireland placed a few things in a storage unit and gave everything else we couldnt pack into the car to charities and free adverts

Moved home to Ireland to be with family on Dec 20th ! Christmas was a difficult time for all of us but atleast we were together and all the kids kept people busy.

My daughter just turned 2 and when she sees santa on TV she screams HO HO HO. Im really gonna try focus on the happy this year on things like that than the pain that also comes along with it, Its what my mam would want me to do.

cantalach · 01-12-2019 11:10PM

I lost my little brother at Christmas when I was 13. It was the great epoch in our lives. Christmas especially became a time of the year to dread, mostly because it caused my mum to become inconsolable. It was pure torture. When my own kids were very little it regained some of its magic for a few years. But now that they’re well past the Santa stage, that deeply-ingrained dread of the season has returned. It’s particularly bad this year for no particular reason. I’m thinking a lot of my brother in the last few days and picking out ‘Tears in Heaven’ on the guitar...would you hold my hand...

01-12-2019 11:19PM

Mean Laqueefa wrote: »

...

My daughter just turned 2 and when she sees santa on TV she screams HO HO HO. Im really gonna try focus on the happy this year on things like that than the pain that also comes along with it, Its what my mam would want me to do.

That, I think is the key to surviving Christmas while grieving. Just grab whatever little happy moments come along, as they come along. Last year I was very grateful for the distraction of my nieces and nephews and being able to see them happy. It takes you out of yourself a little.

I'm glad your mum got to meet your daughter. Having memories of your mum doting on her must be a little comfort for you, and a nice thing to remember at Christmas.

JupiterKid · 02-12-2019 01:50AM

Yes, the loss of loved ones, those nearest and dearest to us can make Christmas a very difficult time - escpecially, as others here have pointed out, with all the false enforced cheer out there bombarding us from every direction.

Just a couple of days ago, a good acquaintance lost his husband to terminal cancer. I met his husband several times before they were married in 2016 and he was a true gent - a kind, decent and caring man. This same acquaintance only lost his mother a month ago. Imagine losing both your mother AND your spouse in the immediate run up to Christmas. The grief would be too much to bear for most.

My heart goes out to him.

But this thread shows that there are many here who share stories of painful and difficult Christmas seasons after the loss of dearly loved ones in our lives. We are stronger in sharing our stories of loss and coping, of remembering the good times and making the most of those fleeting moments of happiness and joy.

We are stronger together!

💕

02-12-2019 02:08AM

JupiterKid wrote: »

Yes, the loss of loved ones, those nearest and dearest to us can make Christmas a very difficult time - escpecially, as others here have pointed out, with all the false enforced cheer out there bombarding us from every direction.

Just a couple of days ago, a good acquaintance lost his husband to terminal cancer. I met his husband several times before they were married in 2016 and he was a true gent - a kind, decent and caring man. This same acquaintance only lost his mother a month ago. Imagine losing both your mother AND your spouse in the immediate run up to Christmas. The grief would be too much to bear for most. My heart goes out to him.

But this thread shows that there are many here who share stories of painful and difficult Christmas seasons after the loss of dearly loved ones in our lives. We are stronger in sharing our stories of loss and coping, of remembering the good times and making the most of those fleeting moments of happiness and joy.

We are stronger together! 💕

My dad lost my mum and my grandfather within weeks of each other last year, same as your poor friend. While I was selfishly wrapped up in my own private despair, he was still worrying about everyone else. Only a few years after losing his other daughter too. People can endure so much and still find happiness and joy in life, it's an everyday miracle.

The thing about loss is that we can't escape it, it touches us all and the world just keeps turning no matter how we feel. I hope your friend finds peace.

And you too, JK. Reading your post about packing up and selling the family home choked me up.. I can't really imagine how difficult that must have been for you, I know from your posts that you've been through a lot. Happy Christmas to you. X

LimeFruitGum · 02-12-2019 09:48AM

Indeed, JK.
One of the things that I have taken away from the whole thing is that the people who always make everything about themselves, will make your bereavement about themselves too. You have to manage *their* feelings about the whole thing. Can’t bloody win!

I dunno.. I left home when I was 18. I lived abroad and traveled a fair bit. in some weird way, it was business as usual, because I was well used to not seeing her for months on end. It would have hit my siblings much harder as they were at home, or at least lived locally. My sister has basically been at home in a wine cloud ever since Mam went :-/, but she was an alcoholic long before Mam was diagnosed.

On the other hand, my brother has been channeling his grief through charity events. It turns out he is actually really good at it!

His first event raised well over 15k, and his events have been covered in online, local, and national media. He is off organizing an All Ireland charity calendar at the moment to raise money for Alzheimer’s. He has also taken on more regular volunteer work, and is now looking for jobs with a strong helping aspect to them. I’m dead chuffed about what he has done, and so would Herself.

Dub Ste · 02-12-2019 11:13AM

Both my parents died in January years ago my dad in 77 and mam in 95.

I dread this time of year, even though it's over 40 years since the oul fella died, still miss him, and I still haven't really come to terms with my mam not being here.
I'm married with two kids and have been told I have to be cheery for them, Christmas is all about the children, I agree..................but I just hate this time of year.

All the stress and worry for one day, and the aching I still have for them, well, if I could go to sleep on Dec 1st, and wake up Jan 1st, that'd do me just fine

Rubberlegs · 02-12-2019 11:48AM

My Dad died in November 2010 after a short illness. As well as the grief I can remember a sense of total disorientation as to what time of the year it was. The previous months had been spent visiting him in hospital every day and the summer just completely bypassed me so it didn't feel possible that Christmas was just around the corner. I can't remember much about the few weeks leading up to Christmas, it's a blur. I do remember a very vivid dream I had about him the night before Christmas eve. I knocked on the door of my parent's house and he came out all smiles, looking really well. He put his arm around my shoulders, something that he used to randomly do, I could actually feel the weight of his arm in my dream. I woke up with a smile on my face and felt that Christmas was going to be OK, I'd get through it. I found the New Year harder to deal with as in my mind at the time going in to a New Year was leaving him behind. It's our 10th Christmas without him this year, a lot has changed. Two more grandchildren born, the family house sold. It has gotten easier as the years pass but there is always the sense of loss at times like Christmas.

Ande1975 · 02-12-2019 11:59AM

Rubberlegs wrote: »

I found the New Year harder to deal with as in my mind at the time going in to a New Year was leaving him behind.

This! You have beautifully articulated another thing I dread. Last year I felt protected in 2018 as he would see in 2019 but we lost him in May.
As much as I want to leave the hurt, sadness, stupid/insane actions I took behind me in 2019, I hate that I could be leaving the year in which I saw him, spoke to him and lived with him last.
Recently attended a rememberance mass and this I take comfort in:

'Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard
But always near,
Still loved, still missed
But very dear'

Sorry for your loss Rubberlegs

D3V!L · 02-12-2019 12:00PM

My first Christmas on this planet without my dad, he passed away 2 and a half months ago. Still hasn't settled in

Rubberlegs · 02-12-2019 12:12PM

Ande1975 wrote: »

This! You have beautifully articulated another thing I dread. Last year I felt protected in 2018 as he would see in 2019 but we lost him in May.
As much as I want to leave the hurt, sadness, stupid/insane actions I took behind me in 2019, I hate that I could be leaving the year in which I saw him, spoke to him and lived with him last.
Recently attended a rememberance mass and this I take comfort in:

'Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day,
Unseen, unheard
But always near,
Still loved, still missed
But very dear'

Sorry for your loss Rubberlegs

Thank you and my sympathies to you also.

That rhyme is on Dad's memory card, very true sentiments.

dinorebel · 02-12-2019 12:46PM

My wife's mother died September last year a week after her sister got married then her granny died a month later and just to top it off the sister was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer so Christmas was a nightmare we tried our best to make it as normal as possible for our daughters (16 and 10) not sure how my wife even had the strength to get out of bed let alone appear happy to the kids. Sister in law got the all clear about 6 weeks ago so am hoping this year is a different story.

retro:electro · 02-12-2019 11:42PM

Rubberlegs wrote: »

My Dad died in November 2010 after a short illness. As well as the grief I can remember a sense of total disorientation as to what time of the year it was. The previous months had been spent visiting him in hospital every day and the summer just completely bypassed me so it didn't feel possible that Christmas was just around the corner. I can't remember much about the few weeks leading up to Christmas, it's a blur. I do remember a very vivid dream I had about him the night before Christmas eve. I knocked on the door of my parent's house and he came out all smiles, looking really well. He put his arm around my shoulders, something that he used to randomly do, I could actually feel the weight of his arm in my dream. I woke up with a smile on my face and felt that Christmas was going to be OK, I'd get through it. I found the New Year harder to deal with as in my mind at the time going in to a New Year was leaving him behind. It's our 10th Christmas without him this year, a lot has changed. Two more grandchildren born, the family house sold. It has gotten easier as the years pass but there is always the sense of loss at times like Christmas.

That is absolutely lovely and made me well up a bit. I would love to have a dream like that.

completedit · 02-12-2019 11:43PM

I lost my dad this year and I miss him terribly. It’s just me and my sibling but I dunno, I keep a good head about it. I still have my Christmas joy and spirit. I’m lucky I have great friends and a supportive extended family. I’ll be sad on the days but keep the memories we have and smile through the sadness.

My mum passed away a number of years ago and every Xmas eve since my friends and sibling’s friends come around and my dad made up Irish coffees. It saddens me it won’t happen again but I’ll always keep his joyous enthusiasm around the Xmas which we maintained even when the idea of Santa was long gone. In many ways, our Christmases never stopped being magical.

The years were sad after my mum, particularly for my dad. Christmas was particularly tough for him. I take joy that somewhere beyond the sun, my dad isn’t hurting anymore and they’re looking down on us together.

02-12-2019 11:54PM

completedit wrote: »

My mum passed away a number of years ago and every Xmas eve since my friends and sibling’s friends come around and my dad made up Irish coffees. It saddens me it won’t happen again but I’ll always keep his joyous enthusiasm around the Xmas which we maintained

How wonderful would it be if you continued his tradition of making Irish coffees just like he did? That would be beautiful in a way.

I'm sorry for your loss dude.

Mean Laqueefa · 03-12-2019 12:18AM

Omackeral wrote: »

How wonderful would it be if you continued his tradition of making Irish coffees just like he did? That would be beautiful in a way.

I'm sorry for your loss dude.

Great idea, traditions for the family and a story to tell.

My family has set off white balloons on significant dates with messages for my for my mam, a immediate family of 10 ranging from 1 year olds to my dad who is about to hit 60

Everyone is crying from the baby loosing there balloons to my siblings, then my dad, we all lost something different that cant be replaced and yet tied us all together.

Keeping that tradition going over the years will be proof she married her love and raised her kids well. Family is key and life is too short not to be with them.

wakka12 · 03-12-2019 12:37AM

I dont want to think about what the first christmas would be like without my mum, dad , or any family member. Anyone who gets through it is brave

IamtheWalrus · 03-12-2019 12:43AM

Super-Rush wrote: »

My wife lost one of her brothers on the 22nd of Dec last year and her mam on Jan 2nd. I miss them both something terrible and can only imagine what my wife is going through. I still don't know how she gets out of bed every day.
.
It will be tough for us all this year but we'll get through it together.

Lovely hopeful sentiment

Spanish Eyes · 03-12-2019 12:43AM

wakka12 wrote: »

I dont want to think about what the first christmas would be like without my mum, dad , or any family member. Anyone who gets through it is brave

No we are not brave really, we are grieving like hell. Full of snuffles and many tears really. At most inappropriate moments too believe me. And not just at Christmas either, but the season compounds it.

Itssoeasy · 03-12-2019 12:48AM

My grandfather will be ten years dead on December 23rd. That Christmas he died was just a blur and it has taken some of the fun out of Christmas but not all of it. The part that isn't the same and never will be is the night of Christmas Day when for years we all went to my grandparents house and we'd leave st Stephens day. It was brilliant and my grandfather wouldn't let us do anything, he'd get us all drinks and food and he was the host and to me it was the nearest thing to magic I've ever known. Since 2009 we have never gone to the house of Christmas Day because it wouldn't be the same.

Yeah Christmas is great for kids and it's great to see them happy and excited but to adults it's a time to remember those in our family who aren't here.

screamer · 03-12-2019 12:51AM

It’s very tough, we lost my grandad in early December and things were never the same again. but I have told my family if I die close to Christmas put up extra lights, celebrate the more and remember my love for Christmas and for them. Life is for the living.

Bereaved around Christmas time is not easy is it?

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