What's the etiquette here??

Deebles McBeebles · 21-11-2019 3:03pm

Goes to show the power a fart can have over a man's life, John. Great story.

gerrybbadd · 21-11-2019 4:16pm

He should have just told her to take smaller sniffs John

Stevieluvsye · 21-11-2019 4:18pm

Mother in law sounds like a right thunderkunt

tgdaly · 21-11-2019 4:23pm

That's a disgrace John, she obviously can't appreciate a man at work. Bad enough he was recovering from the feed of pints and the impending doom rumbling in the crap factory, he didn't need that roasting on top of if. I'd be expecting an apology

NeinNeinNein · 21-11-2019 4:29pm

Probably imagines that hers smell of pot pourri.

Hector Savage · 21-11-2019 7:20pm

Bullocks wrote: »

Fair play UC, I think a two tone turd is a sign of principles in a man. You knew when you had enough and didn't make a "baste" of yourself before heading home.
Wouldn't it be worse if you had over "the gallon" and were squitting black black liquid all morning

Are we talking UK fluid gallons here in which case 1 gallon ~8 pints.
Or the US Gallons 1 gallon ~ 6.6 pints ... ?

Brendan Bendar · 21-11-2019 8:37pm

Well if you open your hole at the table and let one go that would ‘blow a yard dog off a chain’ this can happen.

Should have just said, “Unhm..another confident appeal from the Australians”

Bullocks · 21-11-2019 11:20pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Are we talking UK fluid gallons here in which case 1 gallon ~8 pints.
Or the US Gallons 1 gallon ~ 6.6 pints ... ?

8 pints is the gallon here in my local , what kind of flute would be drinking 6.6 pints .
A good drinker around here would have a gallon with the lads Saturday evening then head home for the mixed grill off the mother , pick up the bird and get stuck into the second gallon in town . Probably suck down a few baby guinness' or mickey finns aswell .
The mickey finns and aftershocks would leave a lad with a "gamey "deposit the next day

Hector Savage · 22-11-2019 10:22am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Met an old friend of mine today for the dinner. He was telling me that himself and the missus aren't talking since an incident last Sunday.

He was over at his mother-in-law's place for the lunch with the wife and kids. Had a feed of pints (he estimates approximately 14) the day before. And a donor kebab with taco fries in the chipper afterwards. Was as rough as a grisly bear's arse the next day, and was farting almost continuously since he woke up that morning. He was letting off low ones throughout soup and main course, and felt he was getting away with them. Anyways, they were tucking into the apple tart and ice cream when he lets an absolute ripper go - swears it caused the net curtain in the window behind him to move. Just let his guard down and out came the arse cannon.

Everyone fell silent at the table and started staring at him. To break the terrible awkward silence he quipped 'get out and walk, you lazy baxtard'.

His mother-in-law went to town on him, telling him she could smell his arse cologne throughout the entire meal, that he was reeking of stale stout, that she cried bitter tears the day he put a ring on her daughter's finger etc.

Wife crying, kids crying, massive fight in the car on the way home, and he's in the spare room since Sunday.

What was the lad supposed to do? Seems unfair to me. He turned up at the dinner, tried to keep things under control, let his guard down, and then tried to ease the tension by making a witty quip.

great story, reminds me of the joke I loved as a kid.

Guy goes to dinner at the ln laws .., he has had a feed of beans the day before and is also nervous so not in a good state.

They are having lunch and he can feel a build up, the family dog Bruce is nearby, so he chucks a bit of ham under his chair and Bruce comes over to lap it up and stays there - he then lets off a little test fart ...

paaarpppp

"Bruce!" says the mother in law!
Nice one the chap thinks, I have my scapegoat here .... dinner goes on and he tries a another slightly louder one ...

Paaarrrppppp.....

"Bruce!" again says the MIL...

This is working a charm he thinks and continues farting away, each time the MIL scolding Bruce about it ....

Eventually he is so confident he just lets one rip

PAAAAAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPPP

"BRUCE !!! GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!" screams the mother in law.

Hotblack Desiato · 22-11-2019 11:11am

Kenny Everett did a sketch like that, blame the dog until someone opened the door for air and the dog came in...

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 11:50am

Lads,
Today is not a good day.
I'm here in one of the traps in the work toilets, and the gasses exiting from the rear doors are something like out of the living dead.

Myself and the missus have been eating healthy this last while, and it's been really good.
Having a really busy week this week, as both of us were knackered yesterday, we decided to get a takeaway delivered.

We went for one of Pat McDonaghs finest pizzas, BBQ sauce, chips, garlic sauce, chicken gougons, cookies for after, the works

The bedroom smelt like a morgue this morning, I had a woeful nights sleep with the wind I was producing, it started off as a lot of belching, and eventually and farts started.

I'm sitting now waiting for the exit of muck to start, afraid I'll rip the arse off myself.

#PrayForMe

Sharp MZ700 · 22-11-2019 11:54am

Mightn't have been the takeaway at all Lewis! Maybe give the missus a quick ring see if she's been to the stalls yet?

Hotblack Desiato · 22-11-2019 11:57am

Give her a ring about her ring :pac:

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

The bedroom smelt like a morgue this morning, I had a woeful nights sleep with the wind I was producing, it started off as a lot of belching, and eventually and farts started.

If we could harness this energy the country would have no problem meeting its 70% renewables target.

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 11:57am

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Mightn't have been the takeaway at all Lewis! Maybe give the missus a quick ring see if she's been to the stalls yet?

I think it definitely was, it started as soon a I finished eating, herself is fine.

Stevieluvsye · 22-11-2019 12:04pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Kenny Everett did a sketch like that, blame the dog until someone opened the door for air and the dog came in...

One of the greatest and off his head comedians of all time

On a sidenote, i think he and Freddie contracted AIDS off the same person.

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 12:06pm

Well, it wasn't too bad in the end, put me right off the soup and brown bread I've brought for lunch though.

JohnnyFlash · 22-11-2019 12:13pm

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

Well, it wasn't too bad in the end, put me right off the soup and brown bread I've brought for lunch though.

I’d say it was the quantity of food you consumed,
Lewis.

I’ve been eating in Supermacs for close on 40 years now, and never got the ‘squits’ from the place. I’ve had some hazardous loads the next day, but that’s from the combination of porter, cooking oil, and fried chicken skin.

Not a good mix.

Lewis_Benson · 22-11-2019 12:21pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’d say it was the quantity of food you consumed,
Lewis.

I’ve been eating in Supermacs for close on 40 years now, and never got the ‘squits’ from the place. I’ve had some hazardous loads the next day, but that’s from the combination of porter, cooking oil, and fried chicken skin.

Not a good mix.

Could well have been the case man, I did overindulge alright, wouldnt normally eat that amount in one sitting these days.

All is well now though, the tanks are emptied.

EmmetSpiceland · 22-11-2019 12:23pm

Not “toilet” related, so apologies, but I’m not sure where else to put this.

Last night I had something happen me. I’d spent most of the evening “dozing” on the couch, had one quite vivid dream involving BBC NI presenter Jo Scott. One which may have “filled” the tank, as it were.

Anyway, at one point I’d gotten up for some reason and when I sat down I got this awful pain. It was like a lightning bolt directly into my left testicle. I know I didn’t drag myself over my “ball bag”, it felt more like it had been “spiked” like an American football.

I leapt up, much to the surprise, and concern, of my partner. I had one hand down my trousers cradling my ball and was doing that weird sort of “Indian”, feathers not dots, dance one would do after getting a dead leg. Was even doing a sort of chant “hoh-hah-hah-hah-hoh-hah-hah”.

The pain receded after about 2 minutes but, by god, it was agony. Been fine since but I’m a bit worried it might happen again. I do not want to have to do that dance in public, could get me into “trouble” these days.

It was a bizarre injury. My partner was supportive but also laughing at me. I can only really blame the dream of Jo Scott.

In this dream she was asking my opinion on the end of “partition”, every time she said the word she’d open her legs slightly. A fine woman but obviously dangerous.

Anyone else ever experience something like this? I’ll mention it to the GP at my next check up but considering the “discomfort” has passed I don’t feel like I need to go running to him just yet.

JohnnyFlash · 22-11-2019 12:28pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not “toilet” related, so apologies, but I’m not sure where else to put this.

Last night I had something happen me. I’d spent most of the evening “dozing” on the couch, had one quite vivid dream involving BBC NI presenter Jo Scott. One which may have “filled” the tank, as it were.

Anyway, at one point I’d gotten up for some reason and when I sat down I got this awful pain. It was like a lightning bolt directly into my left testicle. I know I didn’t drag myself over my “ball bag”, it felt more like it had been “spiked” like an American football.

I leapt up, much to the surprise, and concern, of my partner. I had one hand down my trousers cradling my ball and was doing that weird sort of “Indian”, feathers not dots, dance one would do after getting a dead leg. Was even doing a sort of chant “hoh-hah-hah-hah-hoh-hah-hah”.

The pain receded after about 2 minutes but, by god, it was agony. Been fine since but I’m a bit worried it might happen again. I do not want to have to do that dance in public, could get me into “trouble” these days.

It was a bizarre injury. My partner was supportive but also laughing at me. I can only really blame the dream of Jo Scott.

In this dream she was asking my opinion on the end of “partition”, every time she said the word she’d open her legs slightly. A fine woman but obviously dangerous.

Anyone else ever experience something like this? I’ll mention it to the GP at my next check up but considering the “discomfort” has passed I don’t feel like I need to go running to him just yet.

Don’t want to concern you, Emmet, but I’d say you have early stage motor neurone disease.

EmmetSpiceland · 22-11-2019 12:43pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Don’t want to concern you, Emmet, but I’d say you have early stage motor neurone disease.

Bit drastic there, J. I’m fairly confident that “Lou Gehrig’s Disease” doesn’t start in the balls.

My main fear was ending up with one of those giant swollen bollocks like you’d seen in a Channel 4 “special”. That lad with the ten stone testicle got that from a injury endured while he was asleep and it just kept swelling.

Thankfully, the pain went, there was no, obvious, “swelling” and it hasn’t reoccurred. Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to sort things out later on. Be good to do that while the Jo Scott image is still fresh in my mind.

Voodoomelon · 22-11-2019 12:46pm

Twisted ball by the sound of things, which managed to undo itself. I know several men who had to have their ball surgically "unwound" if you will, its a serious condition. Not to say that's what happened you, but both lads I know were resting when it happened.

Stevieluvsye · 22-11-2019 12:48pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Bit drastic there, J. I’m fairly confident that “Lou Gehrig’s Disease” doesn’t start in the balls.

My main fear was ending up with one of those giant swollen bollocks like you’d seen in a Channel 4 “special”. That lad with the ten stone testicle got that from a injury endured while he was asleep and it just kept swelling.

Thankfully, the pain went, there was no, obvious, “swelling” and it hasn’t reoccurred. Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to sort things out later on. Be good to do that while the Jo Scott image is still fresh in my mind.

You wanna keep the swelling and get rid of the pain E

DellyBelly · 22-11-2019 12:54pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Not “toilet” related, so apologies, but I’m not sure where else to put this.

Last night I had something happen me. I’d spent most of the evening “dozing” on the couch, had one quite vivid dream involving BBC NI presenter Jo Scott. One which may have “filled” the tank, as it were.

Anyway, at one point I’d gotten up for some reason and when I sat down I got this awful pain. It was like a lightning bolt directly into my left testicle. I know I didn’t drag myself over my “ball bag”, it felt more like it had been “spiked” like an American football.

I leapt up, much to the surprise, and concern, of my partner. I had one hand down my trousers cradling my ball and was doing that weird sort of “Indian”, feathers not dots, dance one would do after getting a dead leg. Was even doing a sort of chant “hoh-hah-hah-hah-hoh-hah-hah”.

The pain receded after about 2 minutes but, by god, it was agony. Been fine since but I’m a bit worried it might happen again. I do not want to have to do that dance in public, could get me into “trouble” these days.

It was a bizarre injury. My partner was supportive but also laughing at me. I can only really blame the dream of Jo Scott.

In this dream she was asking my opinion on the end of “partition”, every time she said the word she’d open her legs slightly. A fine woman but obviously dangerous.

Anyone else ever experience something like this? I’ll mention it to the GP at my next check up but considering the “discomfort” has passed I don’t feel like I need to go running to him just yet.

I know this is a bit of a funny thrad however that sounds like something serious. Does testicular cancer run in your family? What you describe is something similar to a family member of mine who after going to the doctor after a few weeks of pain was diagnossed wit hit..I'd get myself checked out if i were you

Stevieluvsye · 22-11-2019 12:55pm

DellyBelly wrote: »

I know this is a bit of a funny thrad however that sounds like something serious. Does testicular cancer run in your family? What you describe is something similar to a family member of mine who after going to the doctor after a few weeks of pain was diagnossed wit hit..I'd get myself checked out if i were you

A google search wouldn't have been as depressing as that response

Deebles McBeebles · 22-11-2019 12:59pm

There's only one C word allowed in this thread, Delly, and its "kernt".

Andreas77 · 22-11-2019 1:09pm

Was there pressure applied to your package while you were snoozing emmet? Did you have your legs one over the other. A testicle can become squeezed between two thighs, imagine a marble, rolled around on a painted concrete floor, with a brick weighing 6lbs, that grating sound, the small chips in the glasswork, same can happen to the protective covering surrounding your testicle

Hotblack Desiato · 22-11-2019 1:44pm

DellyBelly wrote: »

I know this is a bit of a funny thrad however that sounds like something serious. Does testicular cancer run in your family? What you describe is something similar to a family member of mine who after going to the doctor after a few weeks of pain was diagnossed wit hit..I'd get myself checked out if i were you

He should chop 'em both off himself to be on the safe side.

OTOH maybe his gusset got bet up into his sack when he sat down?

Silly Gilly · 22-11-2019 1:45pm

Stevieluvsye wrote: »

One of the greatest and off his head comedians of all time

On a sidenote, i think he and Freddie contracted AIDS off the same person.

Brendan Bendar?

JohnnyFlash · 22-11-2019 1:47pm

I see poor old Pintman Paddy Losty has fallen foul of the Boards authorities and is currently languishing in prison. Don’t drop the soap, Paddy!!

A man who suffered terribly with loose bowel movements by all accounts.

What's the etiquette here??

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