Ex reported me to Garda - complete bolt out of the blue

News Carver · 08-11-2019 10:41PM #1

Hi guys,

I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Myself and my girlfriend broke up in May 2018. It was as amicable and civil as these things can be - we'd been together for 6 years, it was running it's course, there was no cheating that I'm aware of, certainly not on my part anyways.

We remained cordial for a couple of months thereafter until roughly around this time last year when there was no longer contact between us in any form, she had a new boyfriend who she got together with immediately after our break up and moved him into our old apartment.

I was still on good terms with her mum and sister as we'd been a big part of each others lives for 6 years, and sent them Christmas and Birthday presents/wishes/salutations, and they were really forthcoming in thanking me, wishing me all the best and hoped everything was going well for me, which I did appreciate.

On the odd occasion I'd sent my ex a mischievous text every once in a while winding her up about her team losing a game, be it soccer or American Football, but never anything malicious, and I never expected her to reply anyways. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell that after 6 years she was able to move onto someone else so quick and move them into essentially what was our home, which I found crass and insensitive considering it was me who agreed to move out.

Fast forward to this Summer, it had been about 4 months since I last text her (I believe it was about the SuperBowl result), I'm in hospital recuperating after having knee surgery, I look her up on Twitter and see she's out of the blue tweeting things and replying to colleagues saying how she loved her new life, having the ability to travel and no longer trapped in a bad relationship.

To say this bothered me is an understatement. Here she was, calling me out online to friends, family and colleagues completely out of the blue.

So I knew I shouldn't, but I replied, said a few home truths of my own, called her out on some stuff seeing as she felt this was the time and place to air dirty laundry in public, let her know that it's easy to mouth off from behind a keyboard and that Dublin was a small place and I'd bump into her and her new boyfriend in the future and would she be as forthcoming with her criticisms?

This occurred in July. Then lo and behold, out of the blue, I get call from a Detective Garda claiming my ex has been into the local station over the past few weeks, feels threatened, complaining about me, and would I mind coming into the station sometime over the weekend and give my version of events.

I'm still in shock typing this. You think you know someone for 6 years and then they spring this on you. My conscience is intact and I can deny everything, but this has left a really bad taste in my mouth.

I don't want to engage in a mud slinging contest but the gloves are off now from what I can see, and I'll be damned if I am going to be defamed or my character taken into question or compromised.

The guards have enough to deal with without having this he said/she said playground b*ll****

Any advice appreciated guys

LuciX · 08-11-2019 11:02PM

News Carver wrote: »

The guards have enough to deal with without having this he said/she said playground b*ll****

Similar **** (regarding the complaint) happened to me recently.

I didn't even bother going to the station, the officer took my statement at the door

He was pretty fed up with the case and numerous attempts from a low life to try to make me look bad.

By all means go to the station for your own piece of mind. The Guards indeed have enough - serious matters - to deal with but unfortunately they also have a protocol to follow and once a complaint is made (as silly as it may be) they must 'investigate' it so to speak.

Your conscience is clean, that's all that matters. Nothing will come of it.

Onwards and Upwards! :cool:

jk23 · 08-11-2019 11:09PM

News Carver wrote: »

Hi guys,

I'll keep it as brief as possible.

Myself and my girlfriend broke up in May 2018. It was as amicable and civil as these things can be - we'd been together for 6 years, it was running it's course, there was no cheating that I'm aware of, certainly not on my part anyways.

We remained cordial for a couple of months thereafter until roughly around this time last year when there was no longer contact between us in any form, she had a new boyfriend who she got together with immediately after our break up and moved him into our old apartment.

I was still on good terms with her mum and sister as we'd been a big part of each others lives for 6 years, and sent them Christmas and Birthday presents/wishes/salutations, and they were really forthcoming in thanking me, wishing me all the best and hoped everything was going well for me, which I did appreciate.

On the odd occasion I'd sent my ex a mischievous text every once in a while winding her up about her team losing a game, be it soccer or American Football, but never anything malicious, and I never expected her to reply anyways. Don't get me wrong, it hurt like hell that after 6 years she was able to move onto someone else so quick and move them into essentially what was our home, which I found crass and insensitive considering it was me who agreed to move out.

Fast forward to this Summer, it had been about 4 months since I last text her (I believe it was about the SuperBowl result), I'm in hospital recuperating after having knee surgery, I look her up on Twitter and see she's out of the blue tweeting things and replying to colleagues saying how she loved her new life, having the ability to travel and no longer trapped in a bad relationship.

To say this bothered me is an understatement. Here she was, calling me out online to friends, family and colleagues completely out of the blue.

So I knew I shouldn't, but I replied, said a few home truths of my own, called her out on some stuff seeing as she felt this was the time and place to air dirty laundry in public, let her know that it's easy to mouth off from behind a keyboard and that Dublin was a small place and I'd bump into her and her new boyfriend in the future and would she be as forthcoming with her criticisms?

This occurred in July. Then lo and behold, out of the blue, I get call from a Detective Garda claiming my ex has been into the local station over the past few weeks, feels threatened, complaining about me, and would I mind coming into the station sometime over the weekend and give my version of events.

I'm still in shock typing this. You think you know someone for 6 years and then they spring this on you. My conscience is intact and I can deny everything, but this has left a really bad taste in my mouth.

I don't want to engage in a mud slinging contest but the gloves are off now from what I can see, and I'll be damned if I am going to be defamed or my character taken into question or compromised.

The guards have enough to deal with without having this he said/she said playground b*ll****

Any advice appreciated guys

I know this is hindsight but I would have not contacted her again after she moved in the apartment with the other guy.

The tweet was hurtful but I think you could have put a tweet out yourself or on Facebook referencing what she said about you but not saying it directly to her. Anyway I think you will be fine and it will blow over eventually

Ursus Horribilis · 08-11-2019 11:45PM

Exes running to the guards with made up stories is nothing new. I don't know how often it happens but I'd be surprised if any of your local gardai didn't have experience of such things. Go make your statement to the Gardaí and leave it at that. No matter what you say or do after this, there will be people in your circle who will side with your ex. It goes without saying that you should now cut all contact with your ex and don't attempt to contact her/correct the record. I can't see that ending well.

eviltwin · 08-11-2019 11:58PM

I wonder what her side of the story is. Not saying she's right but just that people see things differently is all.

Her posting that stuff on twitter is not the place but it wasn't for your eyes. Sending the replies is understandable but there is massive grounds for misunderstanding with tweets, things that are innocuous can look menacing etc

Use this as your means of cutting contact. Nothing will come of the Garda so don't worry about that.

jimmycrackcorm · 09-11-2019 12:25AM

News Carver wrote: »

Dublin was a small place and I'd bump into her and her new boyfriend in the future and would she be as forthcoming with her criticisms?

That sounds like a threat to me.

09-11-2019 12:28AM

responding to her on twitter was pretty foolish

if someone is spreading ****e about you online, screenshot and garda/solicitor yourself if it really troubles you.

rainbowtrout · 09-11-2019 01:00AM

News Carver wrote: »

Fast forward to this Summer, it had been about 4 months since I last text her (I believe it was about the SuperBowl result), I'm in hospital recuperating after having knee surgery, I look her up on Twitter and see she's out of the blue tweeting things and replying to colleagues saying how she loved her new life, having the ability to travel and no longer trapped in a bad relationship.

Did she use the words 'bad relationship' in the tweet or did she specifically say something derogatory about you? Because if she said bad relationship, she merely could have been stating that she wasn't happy in the relationship with you any longer and therefore it was bad, and now she is much happier in the relationship she is currently in.

You shouldn't have replied. What she has taken from all of this is that you have been sending her texts on and off over the last 18 months even though your relationship is over. She hasn't contacted you at all in that time. You are looking her up on social media and responding to her comments. Unless she said something specifically derogatory (and untrue) about you, you should have let it go. The rest of your post sounds quite bitter. She might have gone too far contacting the guards, but maybe she is fed up with the texts coming from you when your relationship is over, you creeping on her social media and issuing what may be deemed as a threat the next time you see her in Dublin. I think you've brought a lot of this on yourself to be honest.

racso1975 · 09-11-2019 06:27AM

Why were ya even looking her up on twitter? She never responded to any of your texts etc.

Also why were ya so concerned what her opinion was? She's an EX!! How many of them do you think go on line singing how great previous relationships were.

Stop texting her. Stop looking her up. Stop sending cards and prsents to her family.

pwurple · 09-11-2019 06:42AM

Em, They spring this on you?

You publicly threatened her and her new boyfriend, what did you expect?

What were the “few home truths” I wonder.

09-11-2019 06:49AM

pwurple wrote: »

Em, They spring this on you?

You publicly threatened her and her new boyfriend, what did you expect?

What were the “few home truths” I wonder.

Publicly threatened? Seriously?

That's taking one line and twisting it rather than taking it in the whole context. What have we become?

woohoo!!! · 09-11-2019 06:54AM

Make clear to the guards that you have cut all contact and will not be engaging with her again. Delete her number and all social media contact, and her family. She's with someone else, has made clear what she thinks of you. You've blown up on social media and made threats, acknowledge this error to the guards cos it's actually about getting them off your back.

JeffKenna · 09-11-2019 06:57AM

I'm not sure of your financial situation OP but I'd be getting a solicitor before admitting errors or anything of the like to the gardai.

Shutuplaura · 09-11-2019 07:00AM

You shouldn't really have had so much contact with her or her family post break up. And having a public argument with her on twitter makes you look bad to be honest. I would never contact her again and try forget her.
I probably sound unsympathetic but trust me, I am not. My ex wife alleged to anyone who would listen that I was abusive. It was shocking and hurtful. I decided that it was best to let her say what she wanted because people who know me know that I would never do the sort of things she was alleging. Anyone who gives credence to her lies isn't likely to believe me anyway if I respond. I am sure this applies to your situation too. Try forget it all. Let her post about her new life on twitter if she wants and just live your own best life. The best answer to baseless allegations is to move on and be happy.

AlphabetCards · 09-11-2019 07:09AM

JeffKenna wrote: »

I'm not sure of your financial situation OP but I'd be getting a solicitor before admitting errors or anything of the like to the gardai.

Yeah, get a solicitor. Given how ridiculous your reponse to her internet posts / tweets were, you are very likely to incriminate yourself.

Shutuplaura · 09-11-2019 07:15AM

AlphabetCards wrote: »

Yeah, get a solicitor. Given how ridiculous your reponse to her internet posts / tweets were, you are very likely to incriminate yourself.

Unless you are in actual legal trouble with this why bother? People have brains and will see it for what it is, an unedifying public spat that is best forgotten.

Panthro · 09-11-2019 07:19AM

Cut all contact including all forms of social media.

Make it such a way that if you get the itch to look her up, you physically can't. Same goes for contact with her family too. That chapter of your life is now over, so close it and move on.

Ignore whatever she's been posting. Your true mates will know what sort of person you are and what sort of relationship it was. And chances are they will think she's being an ass for posting online about it in the first place.

If you want to give your statement do.
But literally anything else to do with her, avoid at all costs. Avoid chance encounters with her in social events. Don't take to online posts as anything you post or whatever is ammo for her.

Break ups were so much cleaner before the age of social media!

Now, onwards and upwards!

pwurple · 09-11-2019 08:35AM

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

Publicly threatened? Seriously?

That's taking one line and twisting it rather than taking it in the whole context. What have we become?

We have become realists. Twitter is publishing something in public, just the same as a newspaper.

You don’t get the luxury of context on Twitter, this is likely what he wrote, with some other “home truths” we don’t have, most likely character slurs.

“Dublin is a small place and I’ll bump into you and your new boyfriend in the future”

This was a threat, and it was a mistake to write it. Best to realise that and learn from it.

zapper55 · 09-11-2019 09:24AM

You seem to have a complete lack of self awareness OP. I would have taken the hint the first time she didnt reply to text messages and not kept at it.

As others have said a bad relationship could very well mean she was miserable in it or glad to be out of it. And considering how oblivious you appear to be, maybe she was for a while. She didnt say abusive. And your response which sounds unhinged, with your 'home truths' would absolutely now make people think that maybe you aren't stable.

Couple that with your threat to her and her boyfriend I'm not surprised she went to the guards. Stop looking at her on social media before you land yourself in more trouble.

And as for messages with her family, you are reading too much into that. Maybe they were humouring you.

09-11-2019 09:32AM

pwurple wrote: »
We have become realists. Twitter is publishing something in public, just the same as a newspaper.

You don’t get the luxury of context on Twitter, this is likely what he wrote, with some other “home truths” we don’t have, most likely character slurs.

“Dublin is a small place and I’ll bump into you and your new boyfriend in the future”

This was a threat, and it was a mistake to write it. Best to realise that and learn from it.

Reading the whole opening post, it wasn't a threat. You're taking it as one, she's using it as one.

I do with posters above that mistakes have been made though. When you split then that should mean family, social media, and all those things too. The texting, especially when she wasn’t replying, was a really bad error of judgement.

.

banoffe2 · 09-11-2019 10:06AM

Best of luck OP
Its only natural to be still a bit wounded after six years especially the way she move on so quickly and declaring to all on Social Media how wonderful her life is now
We can react impulsively to our feelings and emotions

It is easy to be wise in hindsight

Inaction is one of the most difficult things to do, if you can put your feelings on pause and do nothing on the spur of the moment
you were in hospital after surgery and possibly vulnerable and naturally hurt

We are only responsible for our own behavior and as the song sometimes "we say it best when we say noting at all"

There is a need a reason and a motive for her to be posting this stuff on social media only she knows what this is.

You need to heal and change your own behavior and let go of the hurt and let her go, same with the cards for the family and presents etc, it is now part of your past.

Try not to give her space in your head as it can become all consuming and a waste of your good energy, this wont happen over night as you are probably still grieving for what might have been.

There wont be any action from the Gardai, but go along and get is over with, its a lesson learned.

Wishing you the very best of luck, this is a phase that will pass and make you stroner, wiser and very grateful.

valoren · 09-11-2019 10:29AM

Her ex is in intermittent contact which she doesn't reply to or asks that such contact be stopped. OP should have read between the lines.

She makes a public post referring to a "bad" relationship. Reputation is everything. Innuedo like that is provocative. Dissing an ex? Do it privately. People will be thinking what exactly was bad? Not only bad but trapped in it too? Bad and trapped are loaded words.

He, shock horror, contacts her, frames his response as him wanting a right of reply to her post, to give his side. She then subsequently goes the guards. I'm thinking she was dog whistling with that post knowing that the OP, still in intermittent contact, was very likely to reply and would, understandably, do so negatively. Presumably deducing a threat from his reply about bumping into them, she leveraged that and then gets the guards involved. OP, go and give a statement to the guards. Give your side. Say you'll never contact her again. And don't. Best thing to do is move on and forget her. Mentally it will be hard but, technologically, delete everything.

leggo · 09-11-2019 10:38AM

There are always two sides to a story in a break up, and I always question the side that says stuff like “I politely...” and “I amicably...” You don’t need to add those qualifiers, they’re almost always born out of someone subconsciously knowing they’ll be judged and feeling they need to qualify it further.

OP numerous red flags stand out:

- You continued to keep in touch and send gifts to her family. I get the logic and emotion behind it and I get why some people do it...but man, it’s odd behaviour that just screams “I can’t take this clean break.” Even if they were polite to you back, they may have just felt awkward and like they had to be. If someone told me their ex that they didn’t talk to was still sending their family gifts, I’d think the ex was a weirdo tbh.

- You continued to text her as if everything was normal when she wasn’t replying (and had a new partner). Again that just screams the behaviour of someone who can’t accept that the relationship is over. And, with the lack of self-awareness, you probably came off a bit unhinged to her. Read the room man: she’s riding someone else in your old bed now. This is not someone who wants to ‘banter’ with you. Between that and sending the family gifts etc, you probably came across as a bit territorial on top of being unable to accept the reality that you guys are finished, almost like you’re trying to send the message, “Always remember that I’m your real partner and we have jokes that you and this other guy don’t, plus look how close I am with your family.” Whether that’s what you meant or not, it’s how it probably looked.

- I have a few exes and I’ve had relationships end badly, but even then as far as I’m aware I don’t think I’ve ever had someone slate me publicly as a bad partner. That’s not to say that you are or that everyone who does that is valid, but even when things end badly, it takes a LOT for someone to do that. Like they really have to hate you and not care about ruining your reputation. For you to be caught so blindsided by this, as well as not realising how your texts/gifts could be received, it leads me to believe that you and your ex perceive the relationship completely differently. And (while I also judge your ex a bit for going the social media route to air this) to be fair I kinda see, given the other behaviour you’ve admitted to, why she’d see you in a certain light.

- Lastly, as others have pointed out, you DID threaten her. You gave us a slanted OP where you attempted to paint yourself in as positive and reasonable a light as possible and still that comes across as a threat. And it’s public too, so there’s no way around it.

I’m not saying you’re a horrible person or that this girl isn’t a bit of a wagon (her moving a lad in as soon as you left suggests she was cheating on you, whether you realise it or not, so that’s ****ty), but man you NEED to back away from this girl. Even if it was a trap you walked right into it, she’s not playing around and she’s got you here publicly threatening her. Don’t view it like a teenager and see it as winning or losing and ‘getting the better’ of her or teaching her a lesson, just leave her alone forever now. Don’t send her texts, block and delete her number, block her off all social media, stop sending her family gifts, co-operate with the Gardaí and apologise if you have to (even if you don’t mean it) then MOVE ON with your life.

This is over: again, she’s riding another bloke in your old bed. You have no more ties with this girl so you need to make a clean break and be done with it all. And, if that’s too painful to accept, then deal with it by going to counselling if you need to. But when the Gardaí are getting in touch, it’s time to accept that the relationship is over and your life needs to move on without this person, their family etc.

ldy4mxonucwsq6 · 09-11-2019 11:20AM

News Carver wrote: »

This occurred in July. Then lo and behold, out of the blue, I get call from a Detective Garda claiming my ex has been into the local station over the past few weeks, feels threatened, complaining about me, and would I mind coming into the station sometime over the weekend and give my version of events.

Seems strange that she would wait 3/4 months to go to the guards. Have you had any contact with her or her family since July that might have prompted this?

In terms of the house, do you both own this and if so have you come to an agreement about what's going to happen with it?

It sounds like she has been in with them a few times recently, is there any reason why this has started off during the past few weeks if the twitter incident was in July?

strandroad · 09-11-2019 04:16PM

News Carver wrote: »

So I knew I shouldn't, but I replied, said a few home truths of my own, called her out on some stuff seeing as she felt this was the time and place to air dirty laundry in public, let her know that it's easy to mouth off from behind a keyboard and that Dublin was a small place and I'd bump into her and her new boyfriend in the future and would she be as forthcoming with her criticisms?

You did yourself no favours there, we are hearing your side and it still sounds like a massive overreaction to someone saying "bad relationship" which can simply mean mismatched; especially with the pattern of you contacting her and her family well after the breakup. It does sound threatening whether you planned it or not, and why would you even bring her new boyfriend into it?

Go to the guards and explain yourself, and next time you feel slighted sleep on it first so that you don't fly off the handle that easily.

09-11-2019 05:09PM

I don't get why you would be still buying her family gifts... That's just plain weird - I'd be calling the Gardai too.

It seems to me you were overly obsessed. Let her go and move on with your life.

Always Be Closing · 09-11-2019 05:36PM

Edit

meeeeh · 09-11-2019 05:54PM

I suspect she reported you to the guards so you would leave her alone. I think that as long as you leave her, her family and her friends alone you should be ok. Trading insults on social media and sending gifts to family is a bit creepy (it could be completely unintentional but it's still creepy). They might have been part of your social circle but you are out now and stay out of it.

JeffKenna · 09-11-2019 07:22PM

Shutuplaura wrote: »

Unless you are in actual legal trouble with this why bother? People have brains and will see it for what it is, an unedifying public spat that is best forgotten.

Because the guards are as corrupt as hell and you have to watch yourself if making a statement to them.

leggo · 09-11-2019 09:35PM

JeffKenna wrote: »

Because the guards are as corrupt as hell and you have to watch yourself if making a statement to them.

What the hell would a ‘corrupt’ Garda have to gain by playing mediator in a Twitter spat between exes?! :pac:

punisher5112 · 09-11-2019 09:40PM

No comment, no comment and no comment....
Best advice one can use....

If the gaurd wants a statement make him come to you.

Ex reported me to Garda - complete bolt out of the blue

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