Ex reported me to Garda - complete bolt out of the blue

JeffKenna

leggo wrote: »

What the hell would a ‘corrupt’ Garda have to gain by playing mediator in a Twitter spat between exes?! :pac:

Who does the ex know? Telling the OP to go into the guards and confess all without knowing the situation and what links the ex has is very bad advise.

leggo

This is getting dumb. It’s not illegal to post a pissy tweet (even if it is a veiled threat), no matter what motives a Garda could have, they’d have to actually prove and convict him on something substantial. And these cases are more civil than criminal anyway, worst case scenario it’s a barring order rather than criminal conviction, and even then that’s ridiculously unlikely based off this. Gardaí are obligated to act when a complaint is made and substantiated, but the almost certain case here is that this ends with a talking to from a Garda who genuinely couldn’t give a **** about who said what in this messy break-up.

So yeah, back to the real world, this is a thread about a lad having difficulties with his ex-girlfriend and not any weird beef anyone has with the Gardaí.

punisher5112

I've had death threats in texts from a person I lent money to.

The Gardai couldn't do a thing about it.

You and she broke up 18 months ago, but you kept texting her, contacting her family, following her on twitter to threaten her and the boyfriend. It's hardly a wonder she went to the guards.
It's been 18 months. Stop contacting her, stop following her online, move on with your life.

c.p.w.g.w

JeffKenna wrote: »

Because the guards are as corrupt as hell and you have to watch yourself if making a statement to them.

It's funny, my buddy is a Garda. He tells me and our circle of friends if we are questioned by the guards ring him before talking to them. It's very easy to self incriminate even when your innocent depending on how the questions you're asked are phrased.

ILoveYourVibes

punisher5112 wrote: »

I've had death threats in texts from a person I lent money to.

The Gardai couldn't do a thing about it.

I know a lot of people that has happened to.

OP if you threaten people on a public platform you honestly don't come off as the brightest.

Don't contact her or her family etc or her friends ..don't talk about her online etc.

YFlyer

punisher5112 wrote: »

I've had death threats in texts from a person I lent money to.

The Gardai couldn't do a thing about it.

Did he beat the crap out of you?

punisher5112

YFlyer wrote: »

Did he beat the crap out of you?

No I lent him €5k.

He used the I'm going to kill you etc card so he wouldn't have to pay me back....

He thought by turning on me like this would mean no pay back.

forgodssake

Simple solution ..dont contact her again.

Lantus

Delete and clear out from social media. Then move on.

Arghus

I feel sympathy for you OP. I was in a relationship for about the same length of time as yourself and it ended quite suddenly. No matter how much a relationship may have run it's course it's hard to be a big strong emotional colossus and to do everything exactly and as rightly as you should do in the immediate aftermath and beyond. Even if things are amicable, there can be so much emotion and upset underneath the surface.

It can be hard to let go, even if it's the only realistic way to move forward in life. I cringed with recognition with some of things you said in your post - I recognise that need you felt to keep contact open, because to close that door fully seems unthinkable, like giving up on the best part of yourself. But, in many - probably most - cases, all that is achieved is a prolonged agony that doesn't help anyone.

It reads like you are having a tough time letting go. Which isn't unforgivable: it is tough. Some of the things you have described, like continuing to give gifts to her family, honestly, sound a bit OTT. I'm not going to judge you too much for this, but it does read like slightly strange behaviour, but I don't know the circumstances or the type of relationship you had with her family - maybe to you it is rational and it makes sense, but coupled with what you've said about following her on Twitter and texting her semi-regularly, despite not receiving any replies, I don't think it amounts to healthy behavior. You have to try to lessen your focus on the other person.

There's a lot of pain and anger in what you wrote - which doesn't seem entirely unjustified - I think you are telling yourself that you are not feeling some of those negative feelings that seem so apparent in what you wrote. I sound very judgmental here, but I can emptathise, to an extent, with what you going through. I think there's always going to be pain after a breakup if there was real love there. I think after a while a person has to accept that and try to move on and live for themselves again. It's not a piece of cake. It is hard. People on Boards are always very sure of things and oftentimes 100% dogmatic about whether a person is right or wrong, but often disregard the complexities and capriciousness of human emotion.

I've barely mentioned your ex's behaviour in any of this spiel, but the truth OP is what you had in your post was your truth. You may be a wholly sane and reasonable individual and what you describe might be the reality of the situation for you - and you might not be wrong. But the other party may view things entirely differently - and they might not be right - but now it's enough for them to believe it and that disparity between different understandings is causing problems, irrespective of who is right or wrong, or even if anyone is. The most important thing is to focus on yourself and get over this for yourself.

Always Tired

Stop contacting her and making any comments on social media. Delete any ones you have made though theyve no doubt been screenshotted.

And don't go down to the gardai and give any 'version of events.' It doesn't matter if you 'have nothing to hide' it simply never does any good to open your mouth to them unless you are forced to.

Especially after reading what you've wrote, I would emphasize that last bit even more. You'll not do yourself any favors. Trust me. Don't engage with the gardai thinking you're gonna 'clear your name' or something like that. You're not in the right here, and theyre gonna go through you, and you aren't getting it at present. It won't go well.

Calm yourself down and just leave it. If the gardai want to follow it up let them land on your doorstep and if they actually bother, apologize for not going down, say you have forgotten all about her and just wanted to leave it alone, have ceased contact and will not contact her again. Say no more then and just listen to whatever they say, nod and agree, go back inside.

leggo

To be fair, I think a lot of us can relate to some individual stuff the OP said. It’s very easy to say “cut contact, block on social media etc”...but you have to be very emotionally cold to do that immediately and, while it might be the ‘right’ thing to do, to be able to immediately do it isn’t necessarily within the capability of someone who has a healthy attitude towards relationships. We’ve all been in situations where we’re texting exes after a break up, keeping one eye on their social media, don’t know how to react to family we’ve bonded with who’ve done nothing wrong etc. So I don’t think we’re being cut and dry here without empathy, that’s not my goal anyway.

But a situation sometimes gets to a stage where the cold, hard facts need to be spelled out. The Gardai are knocking on this lad’s door like. And, when it gets to that stage, that’s when you have to be like “Okay you’re stepping into crazytown now, back off” because sympathising, while someone is vulnerable, can sometimes be received as excusing the behaviour.

ILoveYourVibes

leggo wrote: »

To be fair, I think a lot of us can relate to some individual stuff the OP said. It’s very easy to say “cut contact, block on social media etc”...but you have to be very emotionally cold to do that immediately and, while it might be the ‘right’ thing to do, to be able to immediately do it isn’t necessarily within the capability of someone who has a healthy attitude towards relationships. We’ve all been in situations where we’re texting exes after a break up, keeping one eye on their social media, don’t know how to react to family we’ve bonded with who’ve done nothing wrong etc. So I don’t think we’re being cut and dry here without empathy, that’s not my goal anyway.

But a situation sometimes gets to a stage where the cold, hard facts need to be spelled out. The Gardai are knocking on this lad’s door like. And, when it gets to that stage, that’s when you have to be like “Okay you’re stepping into crazytown now, back off” because sympathising, while someone is vulnerable, can sometimes be received as excusing the behaviour.

Its actually really hard to get the guards to do anything ....unless its serious

tara73

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its actually really hard to get the guards to do anything ....unless its serious

this seems a bit unfair and actually not true, we had some threads here were women were threatened/stalked or whatever, they called the guards and according to the OP they always arrived at their doors pretty quickly and did a lot!


And in this case a guard contacted the OP so they again acted on the complain!

ILoveYourVibes

tara73 wrote: »

this seems a bit unfair and actually not true, we had some threads here were women were threatened/stalked or whatever, they called the guards and according to the OP they always arrived at their doors pretty quickly and did a lot!


And in this case a guard contacted the OP so they again acted on the complain!

I take your point. Perhaps that is the case with some.

I had message of someone threatening to 'rape me until i burst' on my phone in their own voice...with the number and i knew who it was too. The female guard could not have been less helpful.

I mean it was him actually saying those exact words.

Anyway its beside the point.

OP just block her totally on social media. You won't have to see what she says then. If she really slanders you take legal action.

Katgurl

I feel for you op, you must have got a terrible shock.

It's very strange. You had a public spat with her months ago - why is she contacting the guards now? I wonder has something else happened and she thinks it was you.

I would go down to the police station and very matter of factly say you ended amicably then you saw on her slagging you off on twitter, you were hurt and you retaliated. You wished afterwards you hadn't bothered and have not been in touch since.


Sending sporadic texts isn't stalking no matter what the posters here will claim. She never said to you to stop contacting her so while it was pointless and probably not good for you personally, that was all.

If the police ask you about messaging or contacting her family just say "we ended relatively amicably, I did not realise till the Twitter fight there was any issue. I have not contacted her since, I have no intention of contacting her again."

Then block her everywhere and move on.

skallywag

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I had message of someone threatening to 'rape me until i burst' on my phone in their own voice...with the number and i knew who it was too. The female guard could not have been less helpful

There is something very odd about this comment. You are describing an extremely serious offence where there was concrete evidence of who make the threat.

I cannot believe it would not have been looked into further, unless there is a lot more to this story than meets the eye.

I do not mean to say that I do not believe you, but I just cannot fathom how the Guards would not look into this?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This really is one of those situations where nobody's right.

Her: moved on at a speed she must have realised would be hurtful, moved a man into your flat. On a technicality, nothing wrong, but yes pretty shabby. Giving out about her previous "bad relationship" on Twitter when you presumably have a lot of friends in common and it'll be very obvious it's you.

You: the presents, the texts, the getting into it with her on Twitter.

The contact and amicability ceased around this time last year, when she moved her new fellah in. Was that her deciding she didn't want to be in contact with you because of the new relationship, you deciding you were angry and cutting her out because of that? How amicably did THIS stage of the relationship end? You really glossed over that there but it's important.

I really agree you should go nowhere near the guards unless they compel you, while it's not a simplistic case of you=bad guy her=innocent victim, you seem to have a very bad level of perspective and self awareness as to how your actions and words might be interpreted. That this can come as a "bolt from the blue" is pretty striking.

Someone said above that it reads like you're experiencing a lot of negative feelings that you're not acknowledging and that's spot on. It's ok to be upset, furious etc over the end of a 6 year relationship, you don't have to strive so much to frame things as you being reasonable and level-headed and amicable. Nobody, but nobody, but goddamn sociopaths are in that place when a relationship of that length ends.

Stay away from the gards, block her, stay away from her family. You really don't seem to have properly started the process of moving on and you need to.

Mad_maxx

Under no circumstances should the OP go near the Garda station, he should cease all contact with this woman and draw a line under everything

punisher5112

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Under no circumstances should the OP go near the Garda station, he should cease all contact with this woman and draw a line under everything

I think he has been deported

Confused dad

She should have blocked you straight away if she felt threatened.Did she do this? Did she ask you you to stop contacting her? If the answer is yes, then you shouldn't have contacted her or responded.

If not, and you have nothing to hide or have not been harassing/threatening her etc., present at the garda station or have them come to you to take a statement. If they are taking the complaint seriously you should take action immediately to ensure this does not go any further, ie: co-operate with the gardai.

If you haven't been behaving in such a way that could be deemed threatening then there will be no evidence of such behaviour and you will be in the clear. Dont ignore it either way.

Good luck

zapper55

It's very naive to suggest that just because she hasnt blocked him that she doesnt mind the contact. No responses is a strong indicator firstly. And secondly like many other women including myself maybe she's learnt that ignoring the behaviour is preferable to blocking him as it can result in an escalation in other social media formats.

Confused dad

zapper55 wrote: »

It's very naive to suggest that just because she hasnt blocked him that she doesnt mind the contact. No responses is a strong indicator firstly. And secondly like many other women including myself maybe she's learnt that ignoring the behaviour is preferable to blocking him as it can result in an escalation in other social media formats.

Which is why I followed up with, if he hasn't been behaving in a pestering/threatening/harassing manner he shouldn't have anything to worry about. Either way, he should cooperate with the gardai and prevent the matter escalating any further.

qwerty13

Confused dad wrote: »

She should have blocked you straight away if she felt threatened.Did she do this? Did she ask you you to stop contacting her? If the answer is yes, then you shouldn't have contacted her or responded.

It’s this way of thinking that has the OP in the position he’s in. And, while I realise the contact at least started off on the lower(ish) end of pestering his ex, WHY is it on her to correct his behaviour of inserting himself into her life via her family and social media? Surely as a functioning adult, the penny should have dropped when he got repeated no response. But no, he kept going and going.

Who knows why she wasn’t explicit in telling him to stop. Past experience in general / past experience with the OP / anxiety / hoping he’d eventually cop on. This is not her fault, and to reinforce the OP’s view that his behaviour is all fine as she didn’t come down hard on him is ridiculous. Then to make matters worse, he decided to publicly make not so veiled threats. The OP’s behaviour is not ok, and even if he isn’t charged with anything, he needs to learn that this type of clearly unwanted contact is not something that he should keep going with - or have an absolute strop and make very public very nasty and quite threatening remarks.

The only thing I’d be wishing the OP luck with is that he suddenly unearths a large dose of cop-on.