Finding it hard to be strong

qwerty13 · 07-10-2019 11:20am

Good for you! I suspect it’s not easy taking positive and definitive action like this, but I’m delighted for you that you are taking those steps. Well done to you.

tara73 · 07-10-2019 2:20pm

yes, well done OP, in the overall thing you are very strong although you might not perceive it as that. Just keep posting if anything happens again, you are unsure and he tries to manipulate you. We will set your head straight and be there for you:).

twill · 07-10-2019 2:25pm

OP, I can guarantee you that when you have some distance from him, your state of mind will improve. People with personality disorders can literally make you crazy to control you and alter your decision making processes. Keep in mind that this will pass.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 07-10-2019 2:36pm

tara73 wrote: »

yes, well done OP, in the overall thing you are very strong although you might not perceive it as that.

Exactly. I know you're feeling annoyed at yourself over this and I think your confidence has taken a knock at his hands too but really you have showed so much strength and good judgement and decency here. You knew quickly that something wasn't right, sought outside input, acted on things rather than putting your head in the sand. You haven't reacted with any kind of malice or aggression to his very inappropriate and provocative behaviour.

I think you have and are handling this well, though I'm sure your head is wrecked and it might not feel like it.

There are plenty assholes and idiots in the world but there thankfully are very, very few people like this man. Your caring, open minded nature and tendency to see good in people may have made you a mark for him but that does not mean those qualities are weaknesses, they're not, in the vast majority of life those are strengths and assets. And they were backed up by your good instinct, your willingness to listen to it and your ability to take on board outside perspective and advice (seriously if you browse the forum for a while you'll see that can be very rare).

I hope your conversation with women's aid is productive, chin up x

Whitestripe · 07-10-2019 8:25pm

I did call women's aid and the person I spoke to was lovely and I am glad I called. It was difficult at first but so good to just let all the random thoughts out which I haven't really mentioned to anyone. I will be filing a police report because I obviously don't know that much about him as I thought I did (taken is word for it). Thank you for giving me the push I needed. I will keep my close friend informed too and will tell my sister too when I talk to her next.

Helluvakind · 08-10-2019 8:17pm

I’m sorry to point out the obvious but have you actually told him why you broke up? It sounds like he needs to know that. If that was me I’d be really hecked off too if I didn’t even get an explanation. I’m really amazed that everyone thinks this blokes a psycho just because he wants answers

Ursus Horribilis · 08-10-2019 8:25pm

Did you read the other thread?

zapper55 · 08-10-2019 8:56pm

Even if all the other unhinged behaviour hadn't happened, not getting a reason for a break up (which is not the case here) is no excuse for stalking here and verbally abusing her.

Or maybe you are the ex boyfriend? Some pretty warped thinking there.

Helluvakind · 08-10-2019 9:47pm

Sorry why are there 2 threads? That’s confusing
I just looked at the other one which I hadn’t seen. I dont mean any offence but I still don’t see how this cannot be solved between two adults. Nothing actually bad happened.

Ursus Horribilis · 08-10-2019 10:16pm

Does anything bad need to happen though? Sometimes people just decide their other half isn't right for them and there isn't any one reason for it. None of us were there when our OP broke off the relationship with her ex so we don't know what she said to him. Surely surely even you have to accept that his behaviour afterwards is over the top? Stealing something and trying to break into her apartment. Scaring her friend. "Bumping" into her as she goes about her day to day business and hassling her. So much so on one occasion that it came to the notice of a random stranger. What exactly should she say to him? Do you think he's a misunderstood romantic and that she should go back to him?

Helluvakind · 09-10-2019 6:04am

I never said his behaviour was ok, it obviously isn’t. All I’m saying is if he keeps asking for an explanation he maybe didn’t get the full message. Clearly a proper convo can only clear things up so he doesn’t have an excuse to keep running after her like someone without an ounce of self respect. It’s for the op to decide if she made it clear

Whitestripe · 09-10-2019 9:24am

Helluvakind wrote: »

I never said his behaviour was ok, it obviously isn’t. All I’m saying is if he keeps asking for an explanation he maybe didn’t get the full message. Clearly a proper convo can only clear things up so he doesn’t have an excuse to keep running after her like someone without an ounce of self respect. It’s for the op to decide if she made it clear

I gave him a reason but he doesn’t accept it

Ursus Horribilis · 09-10-2019 9:53am

I don't think you should go back to him to give him a reason (again). It'd only encourage him to continue badgering you and it might weaken your resolve.

Whitestripe · 09-10-2019 12:49pm

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't think you should go back to him to give him a reason (again). It'd only encourage him to continue badgering you and it might weaken your resolve.

I will not meet him or reopen any communication. I think he only wants to talk to me instead of listen...

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 1:41pm

Well done on speaking to Women's Aid and defo go to police. Make sure to let them know that you made a point to change your routine and he still found you. He is stalking you, no two ways about it. Make sure trusted people in your life know what is going on as you'll need their support.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. All of this is his doing, his bad behaviour, his issues etc. It has nothing to do with you, nor is it any reflection on you. And you absolutely owe him no explanations or anything of the sort!

Whitestripe · 09-10-2019 9:52pm

keep strong keep going wrote: »

Well done on speaking to Women's Aid and defo go to police. Make sure to let them know that you made a point to change your routine and he still found you. He is stalking you, no two ways about it. Make sure trusted people in your life know what is going on as you'll need their support.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. None of this is your fault. All of this is his doing, his bad behaviour, his issues etc. It has nothing to do with you, nor is it any reflection on you. And you absolutely owe him no explanations or anything of the sort!

It partially is my fault because I was naive. I did let them know and they are looking into things now and I got some contact numbers. Thank you

qwerty13 · 09-10-2019 10:01pm

No, it’s not your fault! It makes me sad for you that you can even think that. So you didn’t anticipate that someone could be as manipulative as they are. That’s because you’re applying your own good standards to him. And, I think, because he told you about ‘your weaknesses’. Which he was pushing your buttons about, to manipulate you (IMO). His behaviour is never your fault. Ever. His non-acceptance of your reasons is not your problem. It’s his problem. And tbh, he’s not entitled to a reason. “I don’t want to see you anymore” is enough.

I hope you got the chance to speak to your sister. I’d imagine she’d be very happy that you’ve taken positive action.

I hope you’re doing ok OP. Tough times, I know.

Whitestripe · 09-10-2019 10:15pm

Helluvakind wrote: »

I’m sorry to point out the obvious but have you actually told him why you broke up? It sounds like he needs to know that. If that was me I’d be really hecked off too if I didn’t even get an explanation. I’m really amazed that everyone thinks this blokes a psycho just because he wants answers

I get your point and can't argue with it but I feel like I need to comment on it properly. I did give him a reason, and it wasn't good enough for him.

You know what he tried to win me back with? He broke into a cemetery. I won't go into detail because the whole plan didn't make sense in the first place, and he ended up bringing me random flowers. I did not want them because I could very well guess where they had probably came from. Whatever your state of mind there are some lines you do not cross, ever. At this stage this annoys me more than it freaked me out back then. You might get an idea why I do not want to even argue about this sort of stuff any more

Whitestripe · 09-10-2019 10:21pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

No, it’s not your fault! It makes me sad for you that you can even think that. So you didn’t anticipate that someone could be as manipulative as they are. That’s because you’re applying your own good standards to him. And, I think, because he told you about ‘your weaknesses’. Which he was pushing your buttons about, to manipulate you (IMO). His behaviour is never your fault. Ever. His non-acceptance of your reasons is not your problem. It’s his problem. And tbh, he’s not entitled to a reason. “I don’t want to see you anymore” is enough.

I hope you got the chance to speak to your sister. I’d imagine she’d be very happy that you’ve taken positive action.

I hope you’re doing ok OP. Tough times, I know.

Yes I spoke to her and will be going home for a few days to get away. I think they all wonder what I was thinking and now I can't blame them. I knew early on about his diagnosis but didn't realise the impact it would have, so that's why I need to keep some perspective in mind

qwerty13 · 09-10-2019 10:23pm

I don’t think anyone said psycho. However, he has a diagnosis that means that he doesn’t process (or deal with) feelings / emotions / rules / boundaries in the same way as others. So ‘normal’ rules do not apply.

And anyway, no one, regardless of a diagnosis or not, is entitled to follow and pester their ex for reconciliation or reasons for a break up.

qwerty13 · 09-10-2019 11:08pm

I’m glad that you’re getting away for a few days.

I honestly doubt that they’re wondering what you were thinking. If it were me, I’d be just happy for you that you’d stopped seeing that person. I really believe that he’s deliberately dented your self esteem so much that you think others think you’re at fault / silly.

Sure you knew about his diagnosis. But I’m presuming you don’t have a medical / psychology / psychiatry degree. You didn’t see it coming because you weren’t qualified to do so. And because that’s a fundamental part of his diagnosis - the ability to play people and twist things and manipulate them.

Again - not your fault!

I think you were insightful to start this thread. And, hard as was, brave to listen to advice that you probably didn’t want to hear. And really brave to act on it. And talking to strangers (women’s aid and the police) about it had to be difficult - but you did it. You have more backbone than you realise. You’ve acted very bravely, and that deserves commendation. It can’t have been easy. But look how far you’ve come already. I think you’ve done brilliantly OP.

Whitestripe · 15-10-2019 7:55pm

Well I am now in the bad books and it is a different chapter alright.

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2019 8:13pm

Are you OK?

zapper55 · 15-10-2019 8:36pm

He making you feel bad? Op please block him. AMD report any intimidating behaviour to the guards. He's losing his grip so he's turning nasty.

Whitestripe · 15-10-2019 9:08pm

I'm not really ok no, but it will probably look better tomorrow
He got himself arrested and it's the last thing I wanted, I know he will probably turn into an absolute dick now.

Fakediamond · 15-10-2019 9:15pm

I’m glad you said that he got himself arrested, because that’s the fundamental truth. While you haven’t given explicit details, everything you’ve posted about this man indicates that he lives a high risk lifestyle, which often ends in tears (and arrests).

I’m not being flippant as I know this probably means more heartache and headaches for you. But what’s the alternative? You can’t stay with him/put up with him just to pacify him, that’s not going to work for you.

I hope you’re ok, not an easy day, by the sounds of it. Will you be notified when he is released from custody?

Lackey · 15-10-2019 9:16pm

If he knows where you are all the time is it possible he has your login details for ‘find my iphone’ or The android equivalent?
Or is your location visible on snapchat?

Whitestripe · 15-10-2019 9:31pm

The police took my phone to check it so I guess maybe. He cut me off on my way home from work, it wasnt a surprise route. They (police) were so quick and so nice, I didn't expect this in a city.
He knocked the phone out of my hand originally and other people stepped in. I know it sounds ridiculous but I am really confused and moved how much other people cared when this didn't affect them.
I think he will be out tomorrow with a caution. It sounds stupid but after knowing what he does to people he hates I do not want to be on the receiving end

Whitestripe · 15-10-2019 9:32pm

Lackey wrote: »

If he knows where you are all the time is it possible he has your login details for ‘find my iphone’ or The android equivalent?
Or is your location visible on snapchat?

Yes I think he might

Ursus Horribilis · 15-10-2019 9:41pm

Oh dear, I'm sorry (but not totally surprised) to see this update. Him getting arrested doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. It's nice to see that strangers stepped in and helped you but it suggests that this stalking is starting to escalate. It's a good sign that the police took your phone. It wouldn't surprise me if he has worked out some way of tracking you. Hopefully the police can advise you on what to do next regarding your phone. They may also advise you on your personal safety. While I can understand why you don't want to change your lifestyle because of this fella, you might need to consider taking extra steps to avoid running into him. Be it changing your route to and from work, having someone walk with you, staying with a friend for little while etc. I know nothing about the law in the UK but I think you should consider any sort of barring order or other legal mechanisms available to you to keep him away from you. As someone said already, he's angry at you for daring to dump him. It's time to stop playing nice.

Finding it hard to be strong

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