Finding it hard to be strong

Ursus Horribilis

I was typing out a reply but I I see you've just given an update that covered a lot of it

The reason I suggested you consider moving back here wasn't just to do with your own personal safety. It was to do with your own personal circumstances. I get the impression that you're quite close to your family and continue to travel back a lot to see them. You're in the UK because of your job and don't have the support network you have at home. It can be helpful to stop and reflect on where you are in your life and where you see yourself in the long term. Would you be happy to live in the UK forever and not travel back so often (if circumstances at either end changed). Or would you rather be back in Ireland close to your family and friends here? I'm not against anybody settling permanently abroad but I've seen the downsides of it too. What is it you want for yourself?

Many of us have also been angry on your behalf too. It isn't just or fair that you're the one who has to disrupt her life. You did nothing wrong here yet you're now the one giving up her flat and considering leaving her job. I think if I was in your shoes, I'd be closing this chapter too. As long as you're within easy reach of him, you'll be vulnerable. Even if he no longer can track you on your phone, you're probably easy enough to find. You're probably already looking over your shoulder whenever you go outside. Moving back to Ireland would certainly take away the ease with which he can harass you. You know all this anyway - you have your head well and truly screwed on!

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I was typing out a reply but I I see you've just given an update that covered a lot of it

The reason I suggested you consider moving back here wasn't just to do with your own personal safety. It was to do with your own personal circumstances. I get the impression that you're quite close to your family and continue to travel back a lot to see them. You're in the UK because of your job and don't have the support network you have at home. It can be helpful to stop and reflect on where you are in your life and where you see yourself in the long term. Would you be happy to live in the UK forever and not travel back so often (if circumstances at either end changed). Or would you rather be back in Ireland close to your family and friends here? I'm not against anybody settling permanently abroad but I've seen the downsides of it too. What is it you want for yourself?

Thank you However, my head is somewhere else every day at the moment.



It's difficult to explain somehow. There are things I miss about Ireland for sure. One big difference I experienced is that I was fairly "free" of expectations though. Of course I love my family, and I love to see them, but until recently I thought that a bit of distance was maybe good so I could try to be myself instead of adhering to expectations. Needless to say I only proved that I have very poor people skills.


I am a little bit disappointed that none of them came over to see me while this was/ is going on, but that they wanted me to come back over instead. I perfectly understand why - get distance from here, and they have their own lives that they can't put on hold...but my parents are retired and could have come over some time had they wanted to. We're a family of home birds and I am the only one that left the nest, so I guess it'll always be a bit like this.Something to work on with a councillor at home I guess

twill

I would find it disappointing that if my family weren't more active in helping out if I were in your situation, so I understand, OP.

If you do come back to Ireland, it needn't be a permanent move.

Fakediamond

Do you think he might know about your boards.ie name? Just be careful about giving away too much about your plans, if you think he might be viewing your posts.

Maybe your family haven’t fully grasped the situation. The word “psycho” gets overused all the time, people can’t distinguish how serious it is to come into contact with a “real” one.

Whitestripe

Fakediamond wrote: »

Do you think he might know about your boards.ie name? Just be careful about giving away too much about your plans, if you think he might be viewing your posts.

Maybe your family haven’t fully grasped the situation. The word “psycho” gets overused all the time, people can’t distinguish how serious it is to come into contact with a “real” one.

Ah Jesus
I used a different email address to sign up, but I guess I shouldn’t assume anything...I did sometimes browse boards on my phone in the evenings before all of this without a user name while he was doing other stuff.

Fakediamond

Whitestripe wrote: »

Ah Jesus
I used a different email address to sign up, but I guess I shouldn’t assume anything...I did sometimes browse boards on my phone in the evenings before all of this without a user name while he was doing other stuff.

I’m sorry OP, I really don’t mean to be freaking you out, but it’s worth considering every angle to keep yourself safe and keep him the hell out of your business! I mean he had a tracker on your phone, and that’s fairly obsessive and scary behaviour!

Whitestripe

Fakediamond wrote: »

I’m sorry OP, I really don’t mean to be freaking you out, but it’s worth considering every angle to keep yourself safe and keep him the hell out of your business! I mean he had a tracker on your phone, and that’s fairly obsessive and scary behaviour!

You are right. I f**king hate him at this stage, and myself. I’m not sure if he could have resisted the temptation to get into an argument here because he thinks that he is brilliant and he cannot stay quiet when someone thinks he is a freak. You’re right though..

qwerty13

I would get a new phone, whether it had been checked for trackers or not. I’d also change provider.

I’d set up a new email address that is nothing to do with your name. Like random letters/numbers, ABC123@gmail etc.

I’d devise a totally different password system. Most people have personal combos of words / numbers / dates that they reuse in varying degrees over lots of websites. That’s too easy to figure out.

And lastly, I’d get the hell out of dodge. Unless you have a lot of attachment that is worth the cost to keep, them move back to Ireland. Get your family to block him on social media. And his mobile number.

Whitestripe

qwerty13 wrote: »

I would get a new phone, whether it had been checked for trackers or not. I’d also change provider.

I’d set up a new email address that is nothing to do with your name. Like random letters/numbers, ABC123@gmail etc.

I’d devise a totally different password system. Most people have personal combos of words / numbers / dates that they reuse in varying degrees over lots of websites. That’s too easy to figure out.

And lastly, I’d get the hell out of dodge. Unless you have a lot of attachment that is worth the cost to keep, them move back to Ireland. Get your family to block him on social media. And his mobile number.

I think I have changed everything at this stage and yes...I'm leaving this place behind. A shame really, but I cannot relax anymore.

qwerty13

It is a shame. A really annoying shame. But safety and your wellbeing comes before pride (even though I’d be very unhappy at ‘giving in’). I think you’re making smart moves. And I’m so sorry this has happened in your life.

Whitestripe

I hope he'll get what he deserves...creep.

qwerty13

Me too. Very much so.

It’s good to let your anger out. It sounds like from what you said before that you might be able to have a good chat with your sister. Or maybe a good friend (the one who he was nasty to?). Obviously long term anger isn’t good, but I think there’s nothing like a good oul rant to get it out. Preferably fuelled by nice food / ice cream / treats / wine!

It is truly so sh*t that all this has happened to you. But that’s the nature of his diagnosis - the ability to manipulate people. But you’re dealing with it bravely and brilliantly. Much respect to you for that. It can’t have been easy.

Whitestripe

qwerty13 wrote: »

Me too. Very much so.

It’s good to let your anger out. It sounds like from what you said before that you might be able to have a good chat with your sister. Or maybe a good friend (the one who he was nasty to?). Obviously long term anger isn’t good, but I think there’s nothing like a good oul rant to get it out. Preferably fuelled by nice food / ice cream / treats / wine!

It is truly so sh*t that all this has happened to you. But that’s the nature of his diagnosis - the ability to manipulate people. But you’re dealing with it bravely and brilliantly. Much respect to you for that. It can’t have been easy.

Yeah the friend he threatened is the best person to vent to for sure, at least she has experienced it too.

So many questions in my head now. What was I thinking?is this over? HOW does he still have friends and even a job?

I’m just glad I didn’t stay.

qwerty13

Re what you were thinking / him having friends & a job - is that not at least partially because he’s a master manipulator.

Not staying around is a different question. As I said before, I’d remove myself from the situation

Ursus Horribilis

Remember I mentioned the boiling frog analogy way back in the other thread? And that boardsie (long registered) who came out of nowhere to defend him and attack us all for advising you to break up. Everyone's perception of what is "different" and "acceptable" varies. You weren't to know that he was such a bell end. His friends aren't in close relationships with him so they have never seen the vicious side of him. It's the same with his employers. He has a way of functioning reasonably well in society. It's probably the people closest to him who've borne the brunt of his ire.

I think you're doing the right thing in taking yourself away from this. It might help to look at this as a setback rather than anything else. Perhaps when you regroup, you can look into moving somewhere else and starting again?

Whitestripe

I remember the boiling frog, it freaked me out at the time and now I can't think of a better simile. I just hope he will eventually get a taste of his own medicine and get screwed over himself so he knows what it feels like to treat someone like this.



Thank you all for helping me when I wasn't sure who to talk to

Whitestripe

Home sweet old home, time to breathe again

Whitestripe

I can't believe it's only been 2 months since I opened this thread. I don't even recognise myself in some of the (initial) posts and I refuse to look at the previous thread as I am sure I'd be mortified.
It's been tough, I won't lie, but the world does look like a different place alright. I don't think I'll ever let my guard down again as much as I did before....fool me once....

Thanks to everyone who helped me along the way and still does. I hope others out there will be as lucky as I have been though I doubt it.

Thanks PI crew, I had to say it