Finding it hard to be strong

Whitestripe

I’m sorry guys, I’m struggling to stick with this, please don’t judge me. I know it sounds stupid, I put on a brave face, but inside I feel like I am coming apart. I can live with missing him but seeing how much I am hurting him is another thing. I know that my heart and my head are telling me different things, I have read back through the old thread a good few times. But it’s just so hard to ignore when you know you’re causing someone else pain. I’ve blocked him but he does manage to run into me….
I know you’ll all think that I am mental and stupid because I am. Embarrassed to even write this...

Anyone else out there who is going through the same?

Honeydew3456

Hi Op, I don't know your old thread but you sound like a very compassionate person which is a good thing and certainly not something to be embarrassed about.

I have been in your situation before, the guilt of hurting someone and breaking their heart can be overwhelming. Just remind yourself that you can't give him what he is looking for from you. Also the old cliche is true. Time is a healer and thankfully it goes by fast!!! You are letting him be free to find someone.

Taeholic

Hi OP,

Dont be so hard on yourself, please don't be embarrassed for being a human being with emotions. You cant just switch off your feelings for someone you cared about. Trust me I know how horrible it feels with your head and your heart are fighting.

I know it's very difficult when he keeps "bumping" into you. Try be strong. As cliche as it sounds time is a great healer you wont feel like this forever. Reach out to your friends and family.

Writing down your feelings is very therapeutic. Especially if theres things you're too embarrassed to say to your loved ones. Sitting down with a pen and notebook has massively helped me work through a similar situation. Dont force it, just write whatever comes into your head. You can throw it out afterwards or burn it.

Maybe this is not be the best advice but distract yourself from thoughts of him. In time they will become less and less frequent. Meet friends, read, exercise, go for a walk, have a long bath. Do things that make you feel good and stop the obsessive thoughts (if you have any) But most of all be kind to yourself. Not him, you! You know deep down he wasnt right for you, you just need to give your head time to catch up with your heart. You're a good person you deserve to be happy.

Whitestripe

Thank you, I hope this will pass. Of course I am embarrassed because I know he isn't good for me, but here I am non the less.
I wrote a letter to him in which I explained all my reasons why I had to do this, but I will never send it, it was supposed to help me order my thoughts.

I keep a journal and I think it helping, but he manages to get under my skin when. I have had to change routines and my social scene somewhat as we happened to have some shared accquaintances and I try to avoid those.

Ursus Horribilis

No you're not mental at all. You're no different to anybody else who ended a relationship with somebody they still have feelings for. If it wasn't for your ex's personality disorder and the unsettling things he does, you'd still be with him. You've been through a lot in a short space of time so it makes sense that you're still processing it all. In your original thread, you mentioned going to see a counsellor. Did you ever follow that through? I'm thinking that talking about the relationship and your feelings out loud can only help.

Any time anybody breaks up with an ex, they're hurt. So why is this guy's hurt getting to you so much? Thinking back to your relationship with him, was there a streak of compassion/pity running through your feelings for him?

Is there anything odd about how you keep "bumping" into him? Is he stalking you by any chance?

Whitestripe

Hi Ursus,


thank you, I thought people would think me crazy..
I don't know if he is stalking me, it's not like he is standing outside my house every day. But I did change my routines and he manages to turn up when I am out and confront me, so it's possible. He seems convinced that my friend persuaded me to break up with him, even though I told him several times that this wasn't the case. He's told her in a pretty nasty way to stay out of this and it scared her, so I can't tell her that I am feeling like this. He hasn't been aggressive to me, but keeps going on about how cruelly I am treating him, and that he tried so hard, why wasn't it good enough....


I did feel compassion for him before because I knew he couldn't understand/ feel some things.


I had one session with the councillor, the next one is only next week

Ursus Horribilis

Harassment/stalking is probably too strong a term for what you're going through. But it is fair to say that he's not leaving you alone and that his behaviour is out of line. He probably feels his approach is working too because you're listening to him. You should be angry at him, not sad that he's hurting. Maybe you should talk to your friend rather than bottling it up. If nothing else, it might help put some perspective on this. She probably suspects you're feeling conflicted anyway.

You have to stop engaging with him. It's easier said than done but you have to do it. Maybe you need to consider contacting the police if this persists. Remember, he has a personality disorder. He doesn't have the boundaries other people do.

Whitestripe

I hear you and I really try not to. I say as little as possible when he turns up and walk away, but I can't close off my ears (I wish I could but got myself noise cancelling headphones now). The only reason I told him it had nothing to do with my friend is because I do not want him to target her, other than that I ignore him. I don't think I can contact the police because he hasn't done anything as such.

I'll think about mentioning it to her, but I am "afraid" of it because she actually hates him now that he threatened her. On second thought maybe this is why I should mention it to her...I don't want to undo what I have done

Thank you for your support

Ursus Horribilis

Whitestripe wrote: »

I'll think about mentioning it to her, but I am "afraid" of it because she actually hates him now that he threatened her. On second thought maybe this is why I should mention it to her...I don't want to undo what I have done

If your old self (i.e. the person you were before you met this guy) was reading this, what would she say? What do you think she advise you to do?

I get the sense that you are still in danger of relenting and resuming this relationship. I don't think it'd ever be the same though and it'd still lead to a break-up. And you'd possibly lose or alienate a good friend in the process. Would it really be worth it? I think the more steps you take to try and end this for good now, the better. For both of you.

Fakediamond

I hate to be blunt, but he is playing you and love bombing you, while trying to drive a wedge between you and your friend. Believe me, you need your friend in your life much more than you need him.

As Ursula has indicated, he’s dancing around the edges of stalking/harassment. I would speculate that there is a woman/women who are guiltily grateful that he has moved on to a new target, and is leaving them alone. Hopefully you will be another of those guilty women sooner rather than later.

One more thing, you didn’t hurt him. You are the one who got away and he can’t handle that so he’s trying to reel you back in. Please try to remember, he is not capable of love, however well he is mimicking it now.

Whitestripe

You are right...I feel like I am slipping which is why I posted (expecting a lashing) but it's probably best to talk to her. She has seen the nasty side and not just the sad eyes. Thank you, I will do that.

qwerty13

He’s not listening to what you want (because only what he wants is important).

He’s not paying attention to your space/boundaries (because they don’t matter to him - ‘bumping into you’ my backside).

He’s manipulating you and making you feel bad about yourself (to get what he wants).

He’s been nasty to your friend (because he thinks she might be preventing him getting what he wants).

He does not behave like others do about relationships. You are not conforming to what he wants, so he is ‘love’ bombing you, making you feel bad, at least semi-stalking you, lashing out at your friends. Please for your own sake, talk to your friend. And do not ever consider going back to him.

PS: why noise cancelling ear phones - is he actually walking along beside you on the street? If so, things are escalating.

PPS: talk to your counsellor re why you are tempted to return to him, strategies to recognise this in yourself / why you feel this way

Whitestripe

Fakediamond wrote: »

I hate to be blunt, but he is playing you and love bombing you, while trying to drive a wedge between you and your friend. Believe me, you need your friend in your life much more than you need him.

I need to hear blunt..I did call her. She said pretty much the same as you. I do worry that he will blame this on her when she had nothing to do with it at all.

Whitestripe

qwerty13 wrote: »

He’s not listening to what you want (because only what he wants is important).

He’s not paying attention to your space/boundaries (because they don’t matter to him - ‘bumping into you’ my backside).

He’s manipulating you and making you feel bad about yourself (to get what he wants).

He’s been nasty to your friend (because he thinks she might be preventing him getting what he wants).

He does not behave like others do about relationships. You are not conforming to what he wants, so he is ‘love’ bombing you, making you feel bad, at least semi-stalking you, lashing out at your friends. Please for your own sake, talk to your friend. And do not ever consider going back to him.

PS: why noise cancelling ear phones - is he actually walking along beside you on the street? If so, things are escalating.

PPS: talk to your counsellor re why you are tempted to return to him, strategies to recognise this in yourself / why you feel this way

I think deep down I know I'm being played but he manages to cut to the bone, difficult to explain...I have been hurt before and I can relate to being the dumped one who feels shattered.
I did talk to her, she actually didn't judge me but got really mad (at him), I still feel embarrassed. I feel annoyed now after listening to her, but still ashamed to be so weak when others can see things so clearly.



I have never been like this before, I don't know what it is about him. I just wish he went away now.



Yes, when he "run into each other" he will keep talking until I shake him off. One guy at a bus stop called him up on it (me not wanting to talk to him) and they ended up shouting at each other. I have never felt so embarrassed before. He hasn't touched me though

Ursus Horribilis

Why were you only embarrassed? You should have been fit to break his neck. He doesn't have to touch you in order to harass you either. All he has to do is walk up to you on the street and start talking.

What do you think he will do to your friend?

qwerty13

He has no empathy and is good at manipulating people. That’s why he cuts to the bone. His words are designed to do exactly that. He doesn’t feel dumped. He feels thwarted. He doesn’t process feelings in the same way that you do.

He is stalking you. Escalating his behaviour. So he knows what bus you get and what time, and is deliberately showing up. I believe you should go to the police.

Fakediamond

You see the problem is you are viewing his reality as being like a normal persons reality after being dumped, hurt, confused, generally devastated but this is not how he is feeling. He is enraged that you dared to dump him. He is able to get under your skin because that is what he excels at. He will now use every little detail and vulnerability that he knows about you as ammunition against you.

He is quite literally pushing your emotional buttons because he know what they are. He has been studying you these past months and knows what to say to evoke maximum compassion and empathy from you. Don’t be fooled though, he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all the vulnerable person that he is currently playacting for you. He is literally playing a role, just like an actor, NONE of it is real!! It is all smoke and mirrors to reel you back in.

tara73

I'm not completely sure but I think this is the story with the guy you changed locks to your apartment and he was coming to your apartment trying to get in with his keys and then waiting for you in the hall?

I think it is enough of his BS now. He's catching you on your usual way on the streets, means he's actively waiting for you and verbally molesting you then on the street. This is no light stuff anymore. It actually creeps me out from just reading it.

You say going to the guards will bring nothing but do you want to wait before something more serious will happen? Reading all this and remembering your other thread I think it's in the realm of possibilitiy.

I think you can't or don't want to see the seriousness in all of this. But you need to take actions and responsibility for your own safety. I remember in the last thread you called his mum to get him from your apartment and she agreed if something happened again to call the guards. I think if a Mum is agreeing an ex gf should call the guards regarding behaviour of her son it says it all.

So if he stalks you the next time and tries to harass you on the street, tell him you will go to the guards immediately and report him. Also get loud on the street, so that other people are getting aware something is going on and are watching. This public exposure is a very effective way of getting rid of this a**h**** and their harassement. This guy is not getting it and needs a kick in the a***!

qwerty13

As far as I remember, you are living in the UK. Please contact a women’s aid organisation there, and ask for advice, remembering to mention that he is medically diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, as this may change the nature of their advice.

Whitestripe

tara73 wrote: »

I'm not completely sure but I think this is the story with the guy you changed locks to your apartment and he was coming to your apartment trying to get in with his keys and then waiting for you in the hall?

I think it is enough of his BS now. He's catching you on your usual way on the streets, means he's actively waiting for you and verbally molesting you then on the street. This is no light stuff anymore. It actually creeps me out from just reading it.

You say going to the guards will bring nothing but do you want to wait before something more serious will happen? Reading all this and remembering your other thread I think it's in the realm of possibilitiy.

I think you can't or don't want to see the seriousness in all of this. But you need to take actions and responsibility for your own safety. I remember in the last thread you called his mum to get him from your apartment and she agreed if something happened again to call the guards. I think if a Mum is agreeing an ex gf should call the guards regarding behaviour of her son it says it all.

So if he stalks you the next time and tries to harass you on the street, tell him you will go to the guards immediately and report him. Also get loud on the street, so that other people are getting aware something is going on and are watching. This public exposure is a very effective way of getting rid of this a**h**** and their harassement. This guy is not getting it and needs a kick in the a***!

Yes it's the same person/ ex relationship. You are right, and I would have called the police had he turned up at my flat again...but he didn't. I really don't know when it warrants to call the police unless it's an emergency..calling them when someone annoys you in the street just isn't the same thing and I think they might give out to you.

Next time I'll tell him I am calling the police or asking someone else to do so. I really tried to avoid this so far because he has been in trouble before and I don't want to make things worse. I'm not trying to be stupid, just hoping to keep things calm and I do not want to be blamed for getting someone arrested...

qwerty13

It’s not your fault if he gets arrested. It is because of his behaviour, and is 100% his fault.

Him having been in trouble before is exactly why you should report him to the police. There’s a pattern of ignoring boundaries/rules.

I did a quick google of stalking / UK law, and as I think following you and unwanted contact is something that the UK police will pay attention to. But have a google yourself, and see what you think.

Please do contact a women’s aid organisation to get advice though. They are experienced in these matters, and can give you accurate advice as to what you should do to stay safe.

Ursus Horribilis

Him being in trouble before might explain his mother's somewhat curious response in your old thread. Even at the time, I thought it was odd that she was OK with you making contact with the police so quickly. It would make you wonder what exactly has he done in the past?

...Turns out she didn't know we had broken up and she was uneasy hearing that he just rocked up at my place. I told her I'd call the police next time and she even agreed it would be for the best. I doubt they can get through to him but at least they can try. At least someone on his side knows now and they know what he is like.

Someone on this thread suggested that there might be a woman/women who are relieved he has turned his attention to you. Now that you tell us he has been in trouble before, that sounds less like a speculative punt and more like a fact. If he has a track record of hassling exes, he has learned absolutely nothing from the experience. Perhaps the only way of stopping him from harassing you is to get the police involved. Why do you believe he'll be arrested, just from what you've told us so far. What exactly did he do that brought him to the police's attention?

qwerty13

I’m conscious that I’ve said a lot re what I think you should do OP, but I just wanted to say that I do understand how you feel:

You mentioned feeling weak and embarrassed. Please don’t feel this way. You sound like a very decent person, who is concerned about hurting others. That’s a major difference between you and your ex. You can’t just switch off your feelings. He never had feelings in the first place. I’d go so far as to say that he may have no feelings about you at all, other than a plaything.

I remember you said in your old thread that he had pointed out your weaknesses. I got the impression that he rather went to town on this conversation. My feeling is that he did that to undermine you, and that your confidence/self-esteem is a little shot since then. That is a very controlling/manipulative thing to do, and designed to put you in thrall of him, and doubt yourself and defer to his judgement of you - ie to play right into his hands. All done in the guise of being ‘helpful’.

You’re putting his non-existent feelings above your own genuine feelings. Probably because you’re a nice person, but I also think because he’s done a number on you. So he thought he had you right where he wanted you, but you’ve seen the light, and that’s what he cannot countenance. I think he’s probably pissed off that he ‘invested’ time in bending you to his will, and you’re no longer complying.

I can’t really think of a time where I felt so strongly that ‘it’s not you, it’s him’! I’m not being flippant - this situation is entirely down to his behaviour, and probably his disorder. And I fully believe that the reason you didn’t see it up front is because you’re a kind and decent person, who thought the best of him, and in a way, still does. The problem is that he simply does not see the world in remotely the same way as you. You can’t change him. You can’t fix him. You absolutely do not need someone like him in your life on any level - certainly not romantically, but not even as a ‘friend’. He just doesn’t work like that, despite probably having given quite a convincing impression of it.

I really feel for you, but remember that despite anything he’s said to you/about you, you’re a good person, and you need to put yourself first. Don’t listen to his noise. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care about your distress. And my guess is that he will drop you like a hot snot if he finds a new ‘plaything’. Sorry if that’s hurtful. But I honestly think that’s how he will behave.

I’m not qualified to offer any of those opinions, just some harsh personal experience. Not exactly the same scenario, but a lot of it felt quite familiar.

I wish you every good thought in getting away from him, and restoring your own happiness. Sounds like you have a good friend to help you along the way.

Whitestripe

qwerty13 wrote: »

I’m conscious that I’ve said a lot re what I think you should do OP, but I just wanted to say that I do understand how you feel:


I wish you every good thought in getting away from him, and restoring your own happiness. Sounds like you have a good friend to help you along the way.

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me that I'm not being thought of as an idiot. I think I feel so naive now and like it's my own fault...well it is, but I can't change that fact but I want to move on.

You're right, I think I do put his feelings over mine...I'll keep in mind what you all reminded me of again. I'm not a toy and I don't want to be used like that because I deserve better.

I'll contact Women's Aid today to get some advice, thank you.

Whitestripe

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Him being in trouble before might explain his mother's somewhat curious response in your old thread. Even at the time, I thought it was odd that she was OK with you making contact with the police so quickly. It would make you wonder what exactly has he done in the past?


Someone on this thread suggested that there might be a woman/women who are relieved he has turned his attention to you. Now that you tell us he has been in trouble before, that sounds less like a speculative punt and more like a fact. If he has a track record of hassling exes, he has learned absolutely nothing from the experience. Perhaps the only way of stopping him from harassing you is to get the police involved. Why do you believe he'll be arrested, just from what you've told us so far. What exactly did he do that brought him to the police's attention?

I don't know if he has a track record of hassling exes but he turns into an absolute a**hole when he he thinks someone has wronged him (or someone he cares about). He'll provoke until the other person lashes out so he has a reason to "defend" himself. He was charged with assault before but that's been years ago and non domestic. I still think the police would consider it. Regarding my friend:I don't think he'd act on the threat he made, he is too clever to do that. But I wouldn't put it past him to start hassling her and she doesn't deserve that. With regards to the mother: they have a difficult relationship and I think she has gone through a lot with him.



I will drop by a station and see if I can talk to someone to get a perspective. Not to report but to maybe just log it and see what they say. Maybe then it will be easier to call them if they already know the issue.



I'm feeling more assured now, thank you all for giving me a little push.

qwerty13

Whitestripe wrote: »

qwerty13 wrote: »

I’m conscious that I’ve said a lot re what I think you should do OP, but I just wanted to say that I do understand how you feel:


I wish you every good thought in getting away from him, and restoring your own happiness. Sounds like you have a good friend to help you along the way.

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me that I'm not being thought of as an idiot. I think I feel so naive now and like it's my own fault...well it is, but I can't change that fact but I want to move on.

You're right, I think I do put his feelings over mine...I'll keep in mind what you all reminded me of again. I'm not a toy and I don't want to be used like that because I deserve better.

I'll contact Women's Aid today to get some advice, thank you.

It’s great to hear you say that you want to move on, that you know that you deserve better, and that you’ll look for advice. Good for you!

Please always remember that you were never an idiot/at fault. His disorder makes him incredibly good at manipulating people, and you are a good, kind hearted nice person, which is why he was able to manipulate you ... because you have an empathetic heart. Sadly he does not, and never will. His ‘feelings’ that he tells you of are false; but his use of his pretend feelings to manipulate you is very very real.

Tough times for you right now, but with some good advice re how to proceed, a little bit of counselling, and some good friends, I feel sure you’ll come out the other side a happy person. Wishing you the very best OP.

B0jangles

I feel for you OP, it's a really tough and confusing situation to be in and it's not one that most people have experienced.

Your feelings are perfectly natural and understandable but they are also misleading you because they still telling you that you are dealing with a person who is basically like you - good-hearted, loving and empathetic, when it's much more likely that he's just mimicking your feelings and performing them back at you to confuse you and make you lose confidence in youself.

You should definitely talk to someone - make a police report, and also talk to someone with experience dealing with sociopaths. They'll be able to help you work through your feelings and also help you spot the attempts at manipulation, if they keep happening.
Sometimes all it takes to break the spell is to know just how the trick is performed.

Fakediamond

Hi OP, I also want to echo the comments urging you not to feel “stupid” about how you are feeling. You have a loving heart and your ex is taking advantage of that, that’s not your fault. When I read your early posts, I was full of admiration for you for understanding so quickly where this relationship was going and taking action to end it. It is understandable that you’re wavering in the face of such persistent love bombing, but try to use your supports and keep educating yourself about personality disorders and relationships. The reality in the longer term would be very bleak for you if you go back. He will get bored when his tactics are not working and he will move on., but I’d say he’s not done with the hurtful comments yet. He has to devalue you before finally walking away. In fact, what he is doing now is winning you back, so that he can then brutally dump you on his terms.

If you are not doing this already, you should log all incidents and encounters with him, it will really help if you decide to speak to the police. They have to deal in facts, not feelings, so you need a record of times, dates and a brief outline of what was said. If you could covertly record his words, so much the better, but don’t let him see you doing it though. Similarly, hold onto all written words, both to you and your friend. If you do go to the police, ask to speak to a specialist in domestic violence/coercive control. As you’ve said, it’s hard to explain, but an experienced officer will know exactly what is going on.

Also, be careful about your personal safety/security for now, don’t be fooled by his sweet talk, he is very angry with you and keep that in mind. Don’t agree to meet him in private anywhere and watch out for him when approaching your home, never let him into your apartment, or go to his.

SirChenjin

B0jangles wrote: »

I feel for you OP, it's a really tough and confusing situation to be in and it's not one that most people have experienced.

Your feelings are perfectly natural and understandable but they are also misleading you because they still telling you that you are dealing with a person who is basically like you - good-hearted, loving and empathetic, when it's much more likely that he's just mimicking your feelings and performing them back at you to confuse you and make you lose confidence in youself.

You should definitely talk to someone - make a police report, and also talk to someone with experience dealing with sociopaths. They'll be able to help you work through your feelings and also help you spot the attempts at manipulation, if they keep happening.
Sometimes all it takes to break the spell is to know just how the trick is performed.

100% echo all of this.
OP, make sure that you have as much real life support as possible, also step up the sessions with your counsellor, and definitely talk to the police, and Women's Aid.

You have no reason to describe yourself as weak, or think that anyone has a right to judge you. You are dealing with a very difficult situation.

Take care.

Ursus Horribilis

This needs to be nipped in the bid now. Not just for your safety but for your friend's. It's unlikely he believes you when you say she had nothing to do with your decision to break up.

Whitestripe

Thank you all so much. I’ll make a list of previous encounters. I do have a record of most of them I think. I’ll call women’s aid this afternoon before going home.
I definitely won’t be meeting him, especially not by myself because he’d get the better of me.