The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Roger_007 · 04-10-2019 7:42pm

Edgware wrote: »

"Love juice" straight from Jasper Carrott

Or in his case carrot juice?

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2019 8:18pm

It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the bar.
It’s a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2019 8:21pm

I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70.
Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2019 8:24pm

I hate conspiracy theories.
I think there's a group of people creating them just to annoy me.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2019 9:04pm

Cannibal.

(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

joeguevara · 06-10-2019 1:26am

The boss of Dulux has died of hypothermia while treking across the Antarctic.

Had me rolling on the floor in laughter when the expert on Sky news stated with a blank stare 'all he needed was a second coat'. Literally a drop mic moment.

Mr Tibbs · 10-10-2019 12:15pm

There are 27 bones in the human hand and 28 when I'm lonely

chewed · 10-10-2019 3:42pm

I've just earned my PhD in palindromes.

Now my name is Dr Awkward.

Suckit · 10-10-2019 4:08pm

eBay is garbage.
I tried to look up lighters, and all they had was 96,749 matches.

GBX · 10-10-2019 4:13pm

Seriously pissed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd shÍts in my front garden.

To make matters worse, today he brought his dog!

byrner88 · 11-10-2019 12:06am

"Sorry Paddy, you can't come into the pub today dressed like that."

"Why not?"

"You're wearing Speedos."

"I'm here for the pool competition."

joeguevara · 12-10-2019 12:10am

ISIS terror cell known as the Beatles are facing the death penalty.

Looks like they won't be getting a little from their friends.

byrner88 · 12-10-2019 3:13am

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"

She said "whereabouts is it?"

I said "I don't know. It'll be ****ing miles away by now"

fr336 · 12-10-2019 1:27pm

Boris Johnson is planning to treat his girlfriend like a queen for her birthday. By lying to her.

Gloomtastic! · 12-10-2019 6:59pm

Me: Put your coat on dear, I’m heading to the pub.

Her: Ah great, we haven’t been out in ages.

Me: Oh you’re not coming with me. I’m turning the heating off.

Mehaffey1 · 12-10-2019 10:12pm

One I came up with on work on Friday, a bit specialist and deserves a spot in this thread in my own opinion.

What did Bruce Springsteen exclaim after catching a glimpse of himself in a mirror at a Halloween costume party?

Is that me baby, or just a Brilliant Disguise!?

ohnonotgmail · 14-10-2019 2:10pm

An old billy connolly joke that somebody just reminded me of.

A senior general (think of Stephen Fry as General Melchett) is visiting a field hospital during the First World War. He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.
"At ease," says the general. "Why are you here?"
"Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles."
"I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?"
"Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening."
"Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?"
"I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir."
"First rate. Carry on." And the general goes to the next bed.

"At ease," says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?"
"Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs."
"I see," says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?"
"Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush."
"Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?"
"I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir."
"That's the spirit," and the general moves on to the third bed.

"At ease," says the general. "What are you in hospital for?"
"Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums."
"Yes, good, good. What treatment?"
"Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush."
"That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?"
"To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it."

patmac · 14-10-2019 11:44pm

My girlfriend is leaving because she’s fed up with me talking like a newsreader...

More on this story later!

Capt'n Midnight · 15-10-2019 6:26pm

Eliud Kipchoge broke the two-hour Marathon record with 40 pacemakers.

How could he accomplish such a feat with a horrendous heart condition like that? :eek:

milltown · 16-10-2019 8:39am

Larry Gogan: "Name something brown and runny"

Quiz contestant: "Usain Bolt?"

byrner88 · 16-10-2019 5:26pm

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were studying."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're doughnuts."

Capt'n Midnight · 16-10-2019 6:47pm

Larry Gogan: "Name something brown and sticky"

Quiz contestant: "A stick?"

RobMc59 · 16-10-2019 8:27pm

Me:I want to divorce my wife.
Lawyer:on what grounds?
Me:she's out all night, every night,going from bar to bar.
Lawyer:are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?
Me:no,she's looking for me.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-10-2019 10:03pm

A Duck walks into a bar and says "Pint of Guinness please"

The Barman looks in shock and says "Jaysus, you're a Duck!" and the Duck says "I can see your eyes work!" and the Barman replies "And you can TALK!!" and the Duck says "Ah I can see your bleedin' ears are working as well!"

The Barman says "I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend! I'm just fascinated! I want to know all about ya! What do you do?!" and the Duck says "I'm a Plasterer, I'm just finished a job and I'm just here for a Pint", the Barman, totally astonished says "D'ya know where you'd be great! I've the perfect Job for ya!"

The Duck says "Really?? Where! I'm always lookin for the next nixer!"

The Barman says "THE CIRCUS!!"

To which the Duck says "The Circus?! The place with the big Tent??"

Barman says "Yeah"

And the Duck responds "The place with the Canvas in the middle of it?!" and again the Barman says "YEAH!!"

The Duck says "And the same place with all the scaffolding holding up the tent?!"

The Barman says "YES!!"

And the Duck replies "WHAT THE HELL WOULD THE BLEEDIN CIRCUS WANT WITH A PLASTERER!"

RobMc59 · 16-10-2019 10:19pm

I'm getting totally feckin' fed up with people whinging about the prices of things..
€1.25 for a tea,€1.75 for a coffee,€2 for a slice of cake and €2.50 for car parking,anymore complaints I will honestly stop inviting my friends round to my house!

byrner88 · 17-10-2019 12:20am

I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming in today, my van won't start."
"You can't use that as an excuse, Dave." he replied.
"Why the **** not?" I asked.
"Do you want your job here at The AA or not?"

RobMc59 · 17-10-2019 4:47am

Describe yourself in 3 words:

Lazy

byrner88 · 18-10-2019 12:43am

I rang for a takeaway last night and some bloke answered and said, "Hello, I'm Wan King the chef."
I said, "F*ck that, I'll try somewhere else!" ðŸ˜†

byrner88 · 18-10-2019 12:52am

As I came out of the supermarket today I saw a charity worker standing in the rain.

On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa'

I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."

M.T. Cranium · 18-10-2019 7:23am

Red + Yellow = Orange

Red + Blue = Purple

Red + Green = Newsroom

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Comments