Men finding me good company but not interested in relationship?

Calypso Realm · 22-09-2019 02:19PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

That is quite possible, yes. I also wonder if it is the opposite and some men are freaked out by my forwardness (I have also been called forward for suggesting dates and making the first move) and it makes them lose all interest.

While some men might be, it's far more likely to be those who weren't all in, in the first place. I can guarantee a guy who is interested won't be put off by this.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 02:32PM

bitofabind wrote: »

i do think men really need to get a green light in order to feel safe / comfortable moving things forward. especially in these post #metoo times and especially when you work with someone and they know that taking a risk could have big consequences.

Yeah, I get that.

i worked with my ex and we got into a flirty over-and-back in the office over email, that then escalated to him making me a coffee when he was doing his daily run to the kitchen. then I was leaving the job and sent him a flirty email with my number and inviting him to my leaving drinks and he always said that was the point that he knew he was getting a clear sign and he was safe to come along and give it a shot!

Oh, that was a perfect scenario! If I was leaving soon, I'd feel a lot bolder about it. I don't want to be the one making someone uncomfortable at work.

it's hard lainey, but you do have to be bold and do things that aren't quite comfortable to get the things you want in life. he might say no / not be interested / have a girlfriend already, and so what? he's just another guy in a sea of guys...another one will be along shortly, but at least then you can eliminate this one from your list! or you might make his day! try to take a lighthearted approach to it all, no biggie if this guy isn't your guy.

why don't you start with inviting him to something and giving him your number to follow up?

I think I'm a bit more stressed about it than usual because I really did fancy him from the first time I met him. He's handsome, incredibly intelligent, interesting, funny. Of course he could be an absolute git underneath, I barely know him. It's just rare for me to be so attracted to someone, like them as a person AND sense that they like me back.

I was going to invite him for a pint this evening but I think he's out of town. What would be the best way to approach it then?

zapper55 · 22-09-2019 02:47PM

Hi X fancy going for a drink this week?

Him - any sort of positive response

You - Great how about Wednesday?

22-09-2019 03:25PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I think I am a natural flirt because I find myself doing it to guys I'm attracted to but not going for (because they're attached).

Why would you do that? It makes you look like some sort of woman who likes breaking up relationships and goes after attached men? Totally the wrong signals to give any decent men. Imagine you are a man looking for a serious relationship. Are you going to go after a woman who flirts with attached men? I wouldn't.

Aside from the hatred you are likely to get from their partners.

Faith · 22-09-2019 03:31PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

While some men might be, it's far more likely to be those who weren't all in, in the first place. I can guarantee a guy who is interested won't be put off by this.

I read something recently (not sure if it was here) that went “if you have to worry about scaring someone away, they’re already halfway out the door”. Meaning, making a move will only scare someone away if they weren’t particularly interested in the beginning.

A lot of us are happy to hang around in a grey zone of “maybe, maybe not” because taking action is frightening, but someone has to make the move to chivvy things along. Whether it goes the way you want to or not, at least it’ll put you out of this current state of misery!

I’d just message him and say something like “hey john, I had a great time the other night. How would you feel about doing it again, maybe on [day]?”. I’d probably try and avoid a work night so it doesn’t seem like “after work drinks” and is clear it’s a date.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 03:33PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Why would you do that? It makes you look like some sort of woman who likes breaking up relationships and goes after attached men? Totally the wrong signals to give any decent men. Imagine you are a man looking for a serious relationship. Are you going to go after a woman who flirts with attached men? I wouldn't.

Aside from the hatred you are likely to get from their partners.

As I said, I can't help it? And I do it with some women too...pretty much everyone I click with. I don't think flirting has to be sexual or signify interest.

Funny how you say you're either a natural flirt or you're not, then go on to say I'm basically a homewrecker because I can't turn it on or off. Do you not see how totally illogical that is?

FrankPoll. · 22-09-2019 03:35PM

I find with women I just wish they'd be more direct when they're interested

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 03:40PM

FrankPoll. wrote: »

I find with women I just wish they'd be more direct when they're interested

What would that look like to you?

22-09-2019 03:43PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

As I said, I can't help it? And I do it with some women too...pretty much everyone I click with. I don't think flirting has to be sexual or signify interest.

Funny how you say you're either a natural flirt or you're not, then go on to say I'm basically a homewrecker because I can't turn it on or off. Do you not see how totally illogical that is?

I didn't say you are a homewrecker, just that you are giving out those signals. A natural flirt would flirt with people she or he is sexually interested in, but know it isn't cool to do this with attached people.

Flirting is a form of Foreplay. Being friendly or having a laugh with someone is NOT flirting... What makes it flirting is the sexual undertone.

Example.. Telling a funny joke that a woman laughs at... Not flirting. Saying something funny that complements a woman's looks or attractiveness or flicking hair or touching... Definitely flirting. The second one should be off the table with attached people IMO.

FrankPoll. · 22-09-2019 03:43PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

What would that look like to you?

"Can u meet me at x o'clock"

Im always getting chatted up which is great but its often too subtle

Like " oh how come I never see u instead of just asking straight out to meet"

zapper55 · 22-09-2019 03:50PM

I wrote a long response but.lost it. Basically your last response was quite combative. One person offering peoples different perspectives is not illogical, though your response is rather extreme.

Don't flirt with everyone as a) the guy you are interested in wont have a clue you fancy him and b) its inappropriate to flirt with someone in a relationship. If I saw that I'd assume a lack of boundaries and respect for themselves and it would turn me off a potential partner.

PHG · 22-09-2019 04:21PM

Hi Lainey,

If you are a flirt you are a flirt, unless it is proper OTT then there is no harm with it. You are who you are and any future partner will have to accept it. That said, there are obviously lines in every relationship. I am somewhat similar to you and when I get comfortable with people it can look like I am flirting but I never mean it, just love the chat and no peoples story.

Both of my 2 serious exes had issues with this (but the longest one eventually saw I was not doing it on purpose or coming on to other women as when she sat down I never looked elsewhere but at her). Tbf she only realised then that many guys would try chat her up (all the time!! but I trusted her fully), which I used to tell her. It took about 18months to get over this and by the end we used to laugh about it as we both could trust each other and saw it as a compliment that other people wanted to chat us up but we were going home together (obviously her a lot more than me!!).

Anyway, if you want to ask him for a pint out do. Don't pin him down to tonight or one night. Give him options and leave it open. Send him a text, something like "Hey X, wondering if you are around for a pint tonight? If not no worries, but maybe on Tuesday or Wednesday night instead?".

Guys are very black and white. What the above says to a guy is that you are interested and making yourself available to meet him. It is not overly interfering on his (or your) weekend or if he does something on Thursday nights with mates after work. As a result it is less stressful. If he refuses the above, without making other plans, it is likely he is not interested and move on. Weekend meets at the start are big NO NO's!! Weekdays are a lot more easy too as if it is going badly, either one of you can make an excuse to bail.

If he doesn't reply to your message today, don't stress either as some guys (including myself) like to give it a day or two and could be busy. But if no acknowledgement by Tuesday evening then he is likely not interested.

Hope that helps,

PHG

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 06:24PM

PHG wrote: »

Hi Lainey,

If you are a flirt you are a flirt, unless it is proper OTT then there is no harm with it. You are who you are and any future partner will have to accept it. That said, there are obviously lines in every relationship. I am somewhat similar to you and when I get comfortable with people it can look like I am flirting but I never mean it, just love the chat and no peoples story.

Well, honestly, I'm autistic and it's taken years of therapy to get to a stage where I've stopped self harming and have got enough confidence to go out and socialise. If people find my way of interacting is inappropriate, there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I don't click with many people - when I do click with someone, there is a lot of eye contact, some touching, genuinely laughing at their jokes, etc. No sexual innuendo or anything of that sort.

Both of my 2 serious exes had issues with this (but the longest one eventually saw I was not doing it on purpose or coming on to other women as when she sat down I never looked elsewhere but at her). Tbf she only realised then that many guys would try chat her up (all the time!! but I trusted her fully), which I used to tell her. It took about 18months to get over this and by the end we used to laugh about it as we both could trust each other and saw it as a compliment that other people wanted to chat us up but we were going home together (obviously her a lot more than me!!).

Anyway, if you want to ask him for a pint out do. Don't pin him down to tonight or one night. Give him options and leave it open. Send him a text, something like "Hey X, wondering if you are around for a pint tonight? If not no worries, but maybe on Tuesday or Wednesday night instead?".

Guys are very black and white. What the above says to a guy is that you are interested and making yourself available to meet him. It is not overly interfering on his (or your) weekend or if he does something on Thursday nights with mates after work. As a result it is less stressful. If he refuses the above, without making other plans, it is likely he is not interested and move on. Weekend meets at the start are big NO NO's!! Weekdays are a lot more easy too as if it is going badly, either one of you can make an excuse to bail.

Someone else said weekdays after work are bad as it might look like just more hanging out as coworkers after work. Just don't know what to do

If he doesn't reply to your message today, don't stress either as some guys (including myself) like to give it a day or two and could be busy. But if no acknowledgement by Tuesday evening then he is likely not interested.

Hope that helps,

PHG

Yep, I agree. I'm half tempted just to leave the ball in his court now and see if he asks me for a drink or coffee or something (I was the one who initiated the last drinks), but as others have said, maybe as a man he feels like it would be inappropriate to make the move? Aghhh.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 06:30PM

zapper55 wrote: »

I wrote a long response but.lost it. Basically your last response was quite combative. One person offering peoples different perspectives is not illogical, though your response is rather extreme.

Don't flirt with everyone as a) the guy you are interested in wont have a clue you fancy him and b) its inappropriate to flirt with someone in a relationship. If I saw that I'd assume a lack of boundaries and respect for themselves and it would turn me off a potential partner.

The definition of flirting is very different from person to person though. I have a bit of banter with a guy on my team and it could look like flirting, but in my eyes, it isn't. There's nothing sexual about it, no innuendo, no inappropriate topics. A good bit of slagging which maybe to some could be construed as flirting, but imo it isn't.

I am quite touchy feely with people I like. That could be a quick touch on the arm or shoulder during a conversation. It would not be, for example, a hand on the leg for a good few seconds, as I did with the guy I fancy.

Dtp1979 · 22-09-2019 06:31PM

If I saw a girl I was interested in flirting with married men that’d put me right off. I’d imagine I’m not alone in thinking that either.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 06:40PM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

If I saw a girl I was interested in flirting with married men that’d put me right off. I’d imagine I’m not alone in thinking that either.

Can we accept that my definition of 'flirting' is probably just everyone else's 'charming and friendly' and move on? I have never, ever had any kind of problem with someone's partner disliking me or someone telling me I'm inappropriate. It's not a thing.

Dtp1979 · 22-09-2019 06:44PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Can we accept that my definition of 'flirting' is probably just everyone else's 'charming and friendly' and move on? I have never, ever had any kind of problem with someone's partner disliking me or someone telling me I'm inappropriate. It's not a thing.

Ok don’t call it flirting then. You called it flirting so I took flirting from that. No big deal

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 06:51PM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Ok don’t call it flirting then. You called it flirting so I took flirting from that. No big deal

It was flirting as in what bitofabind defined as flirting. Let's call it being charming and friendly. The point is, I'm not closed off and aloof when I talk to people I like.

Dtp1979 · 22-09-2019 07:09PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It was flirting as in what bitofabind defined as flirting. Let's call it being charming and friendly. The point is, I'm not closed off and aloof when I talk to people I like.

Neither am I. And I also don’t flirt with attached people. But I get what your saying.

howamidifferent · 22-09-2019 07:13PM

As a man, now in my 50's, I just had to gather up the courage and ask women out face to face. No dating apps in my time, if I found a woman attractive I just bit the bullet and took my chance. Had a few rejections but mostly at least one date from each person I asked out. If it worked out, great, if not we just didn't see each of again. Sometimes you just have to go for what you want. If it works great. If not, there's 50% of the population left to work with. Just go for it and ask him would he like to meet up again as a couple. Be straight about your intentions. Hints won't work and only frustrate both parties.

TargetWidow · 22-09-2019 07:33PM

I always say if you feel confused about his intentions then he definitely isn't pursuing you. Move on lovely and get yourself a little man funnel going on bumble and enjoy your life.
I personally wouldn't be a fan of asking guys out especially if you work with them. But that's just because my taste in men is for the ones that like the chase and because you know where you stand with them.
And there's nothing in the world wrong with you. Maybe he has crabs or something at the moment ðŸ˜† Seriously though if he's not into you, be grateful he's not wasting your time.
Also maybe have a think about how fast you become attached to the idea of any one particular guy. Take your time and evaluate each one.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 08:47PM

TargetWidow wrote: »

I always say if you feel confused about his intentions then he definitely isn't pursuing you. Move on lovely and get yourself a little man funnel going on bumble and enjoy your life.
I personally wouldn't be a fan of asking guys out especially if you work with them. But that's just because my taste in men is for the ones that like the chase and because you know where you stand with them.
And there's nothing in the world wrong with you. Maybe he has crabs or something at the moment &#55357;&#56838; Seriously though if he's not into you, be grateful he's not wasting your time.
Also maybe have a think about how fast you become attached to the idea of any one particular guy. Take your time and evaluate each one.

I feel confused about every interaction ever. I'm autistic. So my own feeling about it isn't reliable either way.

I feel the same about the work thing but I'm staying away from the apps and trying to build more authentic connections with people. The apps were terrible for my mental health and just headwrecking. I've been much happier since I deleted them all. I'm also going to a few meetups and hobby groups and meeting people there, so it would be nice if something could work out.

I do genuinely want friends. That's what I'm aiming for. Something romantic would be the cherry on top, if that makes sense.

Highroad12 · 22-09-2019 08:50PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Thought I'd start a thread as this has been bothering me lately.

I've been single a while (am 34 and female) and have not been actively dating, but have been making a huge effort with my social life in general. Lots of meetups, new hobbies and accepting invitations to go out with colleagues to the pub and so on.

I think I'm really well liked at work and am happy to have found a place where people seem to like me for me and without the usual cliques and bitchiness. Most people seem genuinely lovely and friendly. I've ended up hanging out one on one with one guy in particular quite a few times now. Two nights ago, we ended up going out just the two of us, and spent the whole evening together getting a bit drunk and chatting. Very, very easy conversation and banter (hate that word) and I felt some chemistry there. Maybe some light flirting? He is very cute and a lovely guy, intelligent but modest. We went our separate ways (he walked me home) and he messaged to say he'd had loads of fun. One more message yesterday morning saying he was hungover but it was worth it and a winky face. He went out again last night with work people (I didn't) and told another colleague that he'd had loads of fun with me and I'm hilarious and great company. But nothing more than that, no suggestion to meet again or anything (we live close).

Does it sound like he fancies me at all or is he seeing me as a drinking buddy? This kind of thing tends to happen a lot to me...I'll have an amazing time with someone (sometimes several amazing times), get on like a house on fire, but then...nothing. Not just with people I meet through work but just in general. It wreaks havoc on my self esteem because I feel like they must find me great company and funny but maybe not attractive enough? I wouldn't be able to rate my own looks but I've always thought I was considered above average and have always had quite a bit of interest/attention when out and about. I consider myself in fairly good shape (size 10 and with curves), don't wear much make-up and dress casually on a daily basis, but don't think I'm ugly or sloppy. I've had a few long term relationships (2 years, 7 years, 2.5 years) and a few shorter ones, so I must be reasonably attractive to some?

Any idea what the issue could be here? I'm just lost. I want to properly date someone and have a serious relationship and it's like I keep meeting men who tell me how lovely I am and what good company I am but then don't seem to want anything more?

I'd say he is definitely interested in you. Fellas don't spend time and texting if they aren't.

I wouldn't pay any attention to what he said to the work friend as he may have just said that because he didn't want him knowing his business!

Suggest a repeat night and see what his response is.

leahyl · 22-09-2019 09:00PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I feel confused about every interaction ever. I'm autistic. So my own feeling about it isn't reliable either way.

I feel the same about the work thing but I'm staying away from the apps and trying to build more authentic connections with people. The apps were terrible for my mental health and just headwrecking. I've been much happier since I deleted them all. I'm also going to a few meetups and hobby groups and meeting people there, so it would be nice if something could work out.

I do genuinely want friends. That's what I'm aiming for. Something romantic would be the cherry on top, if that makes sense.

I understand where you’re coming from Lainey, I think I’d maybe avoid the work route though - but I’m probably saying that because I tried two different times in work with different people only for both of them to reject me when it came to actually maybe going on a date. It’s a bit different to your situation in that both of mine happened because we swiped for each other on tinder which was a bloody curse cos the first one told me after the fact that he didn’t want to date anyone from work - so why swipe for me? Cos he wanted a quick fumble? Probably. The second guy told me that he thinks we want different things which would have been quite obvious before he swiped because I said on my profile that I was looking for a relationship and well he wasn’t, he claims, at the time - he’s now in a relationship with someone else since about April/May and that was only August last year that all happened so he moved on fairly fast in the end. I think he really only wanted a bit of fun too and wanted to see if I was interested in him. I’d never put myself out there like that before, in fact I’m really bad at it, but i was particularly attracted to the second guy so I was pretty upset with what happened.

I’m too taking some time away from the dating apps now cos I just don’t like them and they make me anxious cos you really don’t know who you’re talking to - you get a vibe straight away from someone when you meet them IRL from the off. Of course i NEVER actually meet guys in my day to day life lol

I’m trying to do different things now so the first is hiking which I actually want to do anyway and even if nothing comes out of it at least I may meet some new people.

I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you :-)

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 09:25PM

Highroad12 wrote: »

I'd say he is definitely interested in you. Fellas don't spend time and texting if they aren't.

I wouldn't pay any attention to what he said to the work friend as he may have just said that because he didn't want him knowing his business!

Suggest a repeat night and see what his response is.

We just had a brief chat on the messenger about our annual leave plans. I said I don't have any and am saving it up for early next year, but will probably head to X town for the day (pretty place a couple of hours from here) some time in the next few weeks and he said 'let me know if you need company' and a winky face.

:eek:

He definitely is flirting now, right?

jk23 · 22-09-2019 09:29PM

You sound like a very good person and a guy will be lucky to have you. I echo alot of sentiments here, go outside your comfort zone.

Maybe try tag rugby, running club or something like that preferably with no alcohol involved so you can talk properly and without being under the influence. Best of luck.

howamidifferent · 22-09-2019 09:31PM

Yes he is trying to gauge your interest. Reply and ask is he up for going along. You will get your answer immediately. All the best. Hope it works out for you.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 09:34PM

jk23 wrote: »

You sound like a very good person and a guy will be lucky to have you. I echo alot of sentiments here, go outside your comfort zone.

Maybe try tag rugby, running club or something like that preferably with no alcohol involved so you can talk properly and without being under the influence. Best of luck.

Aww that's lovely thanks. I get so stressed out with this social stuff. Not even dating, just people around people. Always worrying i'll say the wrong thing and offend them etc.

I'm in a hiking club which seems really good. Also considering starting climbing, but don't want to burn myself out, like. Definitely agree with minimising the alcohol-related activities. I really enjoy good drinks and the buzz of drinking so that'll be hard, but ultimately I don't enjoy the hangovers the next day, or the low feeling. I also go to a regular pub quiz where everyone has a good few drinks and it's excellent fun, but will try to keep the boozing down to one or days a week, definitely.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 09:37PM

howamidifferent wrote: »

Yes he is trying to gauge your interest. Reply and ask is he up for going along. You will get your answer immediately. All the best. Hope it works out for you.

He said yes. And he also brought up going out for drinks again soon.

However, he also mentioned having hung out with a female friend this weekend, and recently gone on a short holiday with another female friend.

Am I just another female friend? Is he poly?

This is stressful.

howamidifferent · 22-09-2019 10:02PM

Men have friends Lainey. Some of them women. Nothing wrong with that, in fact it's healthy. That doesn't mean that you would be only a friend! You said yourself you have male friends. But friends are just that friends. Relationships are different. If you make it immediately obvious that you want more by simply stating that you would like to go as a couple then there is no ambiguity. He knows what you want and will say yes or no. You will know where you stand. No guessing. Take a chance and reap the benefits of being straight forward or get the answer he is not interested. Either way you will have your answer. Grasp your chance. Life doesn't hand you anything worth getting. You need to work for it and take that chance. Worst case he says no, best case you get what you want and deserve in life which is a loving relationship.

Men finding me good company but not interested in relationship?

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