Men finding me good company but not interested in relationship?

lainey_d_123 · 21-09-2019 08:21PM #1

Thought I'd start a thread as this has been bothering me lately.

I've been single a while (am 34 and female) and have not been actively dating, but have been making a huge effort with my social life in general. Lots of meetups, new hobbies and accepting invitations to go out with colleagues to the pub and so on.

I think I'm really well liked at work and am happy to have found a place where people seem to like me for me and without the usual cliques and bitchiness. Most people seem genuinely lovely and friendly. I've ended up hanging out one on one with one guy in particular quite a few times now. Two nights ago, we ended up going out just the two of us, and spent the whole evening together getting a bit drunk and chatting. Very, very easy conversation and banter (hate that word) and I felt some chemistry there. Maybe some light flirting? He is very cute and a lovely guy, intelligent but modest. We went our separate ways (he walked me home) and he messaged to say he'd had loads of fun. One more message yesterday morning saying he was hungover but it was worth it and a winky face. He went out again last night with work people (I didn't) and told another colleague that he'd had loads of fun with me and I'm hilarious and great company. But nothing more than that, no suggestion to meet again or anything (we live close).

Does it sound like he fancies me at all or is he seeing me as a drinking buddy? This kind of thing tends to happen a lot to me...I'll have an amazing time with someone (sometimes several amazing times), get on like a house on fire, but then...nothing. Not just with people I meet through work but just in general. It wreaks havoc on my self esteem because I feel like they must find me great company and funny but maybe not attractive enough? I wouldn't be able to rate my own looks but I've always thought I was considered above average and have always had quite a bit of interest/attention when out and about. I consider myself in fairly good shape (size 10 and with curves), don't wear much make-up and dress casually on a daily basis, but don't think I'm ugly or sloppy. I've had a few long term relationships (2 years, 7 years, 2.5 years) and a few shorter ones, so I must be reasonably attractive to some?

Any idea what the issue could be here? I'm just lost. I want to properly date someone and have a serious relationship and it's like I keep meeting men who tell me how lovely I am and what good company I am but then don't seem to want anything more?

Another day · 21-09-2019 09:15PM

You just haven't met the right person. It's tough but you may be lovely but not their type. I am sure you have male friends who also fall into that category. Keep doing what you're doing and it will happen!

lainey_d_123 · 21-09-2019 09:32PM

Another day wrote: »

You just haven't met the right person. It's tough but you may be lovely but not their type. I am sure you have male friends who also fall into that category. Keep doing what you're doing and it will happen!

But it isn't happening. My last serious relationship was 5+ years ago. The men who are very obviously interested/ask me out, there's no connection there, and the ones I really click with don't seem to see me as a potential partner? It's incredibly frustrating. I don't think it isn't even so much that there isn't attraction there, because sometimes the flirting is extremely obvious to anyone watching it, but it doesn't progress to anything? I don't understand.

bitofabind · 21-09-2019 10:00PM

What do you do to progress it? For all you know this guy is interested but isn’t getting a green light. Why don’t you ask him out?

lainey_d_123 · 21-09-2019 10:22PM

bitofabind wrote: »

What do you do to progress it? For all you know this guy is interested but isn’t getting a green light. Why don’t you ask him out?

I don't seem to be able to see where the line is between being too subtle and being too keen, since I've been accused of both before. Especially as this is someone I work with, I don't want to make it awkward for him if he's not interested.

On one hand, I think I sense some interest...he was very complimentary all evening, has said twice now how much he enjoyed it and he was glad we went out, responded to my (slight) touchy feeliness when we were out and mentioned inviting me for drinks at his house. On the other, he hasn't given me his number (we still message on the work messenger) and hasn't been in contact much at all, either. So confused.

LegacyUser · 21-09-2019 10:55PM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

.he was very complimentary all evening, has said twice now how much he enjoyed it and he was glad we went out, responded to my (slight) touchy feeliness when we were out and mentioned inviting me for drinks at his house.

I’m not really an initiator but sometimes I give guys a hand if I sense they’re interested but might need some encouragement.
So in this case, it might not be a bad idea, to send a message (if you can PM him at work), ‘Hey Mike, had a great time the other night, when are we doing it again?’ or something like that, breezy and casual. And then just forget about the message. Like it’s no big deal.

Flirt a bit more while out, try not to give off a friends/one-of-the-lads vibe (that’s if you do), show a bit of skin (i’m not saying you have to wear shorts and a bra top, but something a bit datey/sexy/womanly - whatever you think - something to make him look at you and think ‘nice’ rather than wearing something too casual).
Really make the most of yourself.

LegacyUser · 22-09-2019 12:12AM

I really doubt that it's you! There have been a few similar threads on here recently and i've seen my friends go through similar in recent years. I know quite a few men who are hitting late 30s now who don't have kids, and apparently want them, but yet are doing absolutely nothing about trying to find a serious relationship. I'm starting to wonder are the men in particular in Ireland going down the route of the people of Japan who are losing interest in relationships, dating, sex etc. because they just don't appear to be bothered with it!

ILoveYourVibes · 22-09-2019 04:27AM

If your self esteem takes a knock because a man doesn't fancy you then you need to work on that.

It would be arrogant to assume all men would find you attractive.

I've had a few long term relationships (2 years, 7 years, 2.5 years) and a few shorter ones, so I must be reasonably attractive to some?

Then obviously you know the answer.

I am really wary of people who say....the person i fancy doesn't fancy me back etc so there is something wrong with me.

You really need to love yourself and know you are a catch to be one.

Payton · 22-09-2019 07:19AM

Why don't you ask him out for a bite to eat or 'hey there's a gig on and I have a spare ticket'

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 10:25AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If your self esteem takes a knock because a man doesn't fancy you then you need to work on that.

It would be arrogant to assume all men would find you attractive.

It isn't about one person. It's a pattern. If every single man you really liked and clicked with in a FIVE YEAR period didn't seem to want anything romantic with you, would you not be wondering what was up?

Then obviously you know the answer.

I am really wary of people who say....the person i fancy doesn't fancy me back etc so there is something wrong with me.

You really need to love yourself and know you are a catch to be one.

Easier said than done though, isn't it?

Maybe there IS something offputting? It never used to be this difficult. I'd go out a few times with someone, there was obvious mutual interest, we'd gauge interest by flirting, being touchy feely etc. and then a kiss and it went from there. It was that easy. Now I sense the interest but nothing happens.

I've had a few situations where long after the situation, I've told the man I had liked him and he was like 'wtf, I really fancied you and I didn't think you liked me' which makes me wonder if I've become too subtle or am sending mixed messages, but it also feels awkward to just come out and say 'do you find me attractive and want to date me?' or something like that? It's one thing with a guy you've met randomly and might never see again, but it could end up very awkward if it's a colleague or someone else I'll have to see every day.

Is there any direct way to say something without coming across as pushy or desperate?

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 10:26AM

Payton wrote: »

Why don't you ask him out for a bite to eat or 'hey there's a gig on and I have a spare ticket'

Well I mean, the last time we hung out, it was one on one and we had food and drinks. The question is, was it a date or was it two colleagues hanging out? Where's the line? I've never been good at knowing.

Calypso Realm · 22-09-2019 10:29AM

The guy def sounds interested but it may simply be a case of him being conflicted about pursuing things because you work together. Some people have strict rules about this. I am one though I know many others who aren't.

On the other hand, having ruled out the above, he may well d be unsure of you and is still guaging your interest level. For instance, how did you reply to his texts? I see nothing wrong in asking him for another night out, if you're sure you want to pursue anything.

In fact, I'm wondering in general, if you're unintentionally friend-zoning some of these guys you wrote about esp if you're reticent about showing your interest? Most guys are more likely to proceed if they feeling things are reciprocated ie a definitive green light!

Payton · 22-09-2019 10:36AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Well I mean, the last time we hung out, it was one on one and we had food and drinks. The question is, was it a date or was it two colleagues hanging out? Where's the line? I've never been good at knowing.

You won't know if there is a line until you tease it out a bit. Sometimes you have to be confident and a bit up front to find out where you stand. For all you know he could be sitting on the fence also.

zapper55 · 22-09-2019 10:37AM

In my experience guys do not get hints. At all at all. Unless you explicitly say hey wanna go on a date it may wash over his head. If you like him and if you dont work too closely together that itd be weird if it didnt work out, then ask him out on a date.

Calypso Realm · 22-09-2019 10:41AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I've had a few situations where long after the situation, I've told the man I had liked him and he was like 'wtf, I really fancied you and I didn't think you liked me' which makes me wonder if I've become too subtle or am sending mixed messages,

Ah! Just read this now which confirms what I suspected all along.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 10:41AM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

The guy def sounds interested but it may simply be a case of him being conflicted about pursuing things because you work together. Some people have strict rules about this. I am one though I know many others who aren't.

Totally understandable. I feel a bit the same because this is a job I love and have worked very hard to get and I don't want any awkwardness. When I started, I had no intention of going near anyone there and purposely avoided going to after work drinks and such, deciding to concentrate my social life around meetups and hobbies. Now I've relaxed that a bit and have had some amazing nights out and made some very good friends at work and am feeling so much happier. There are quite a few couples there, some who met at work and some who purposely applied to work in the same place. I'm wary of dating colleagues because of a time where it once went very wrong, but at the same time, I read it's the most likely way of meeting someone, other than the apps (which I'm also staying away from for now)? I'm starting to come around to the mentality that it might be worth taking a risk?

I don't know how he feels about any of this.

On the other hand, having ruled out the above, he may well d be unsure of you and is still guaging your interest level. For instance, how did you reply to his texts? I see nothing wrong in asking him for another night out, if you're sure you want to pursue anything.

With the same winky face emoji and saying it was a great time (I know how childish this sounds!). There has only been a few messages since then because he didn't give me his number. I probably did ask for it (I have colleagues' numbers and text them outside work, if I consider them friends), so if he refused for some reason, is that a really bad sign? I said while we were still out that we should do it again and he seemed enthusiastic and also told me he'd invite me round to his when he'd tidied up.

In fact, I'm wondering in general, if you're unintentionally friend-zoning some of these guys you wrote about esp if you're reticent about showing your interest? Most guys are more likely to proceed if they feeling things are reciprocated ie a definitive green light!

I'm sure I am, yeah. i just don't know how to give that green light outside of things like being touchy feely and wanting to meet up 1:1?

woodchuck · 22-09-2019 10:46AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

It isn't about one person. It's a pattern. If every single man you really liked and clicked with in a FIVE YEAR period didn't seem to want anything romantic with you, would you not be wondering what was up?

Lainey, you've answered your own question here:

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I've had a few situations where long after the situation, I've told the man I had liked him and he was like 'wtf, I really fancied you and I didn't think you liked me' which makes me wonder if I've become too subtle or am sending mixed messages

So obviously there are guys who would be interested in a relationship, but you're doing something after the fact to make them think that you're not interested. Even in this thread, you're talking about a guy who could very well be interested in you by what you've described. However you already seem to have decided that he can't possibly be interested in you. It's quite possible that guys are picking up on this negative attitude after you've spent a little time with them and they assume that you're not interested in them.

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Is there any direct way to say something without coming across as pushy or desperate?

Hints do not work. You HAVE to be direct! Particularly if your negative attitude is a blockade to them making the next move. It's not pushy or desperate to tell someone that you had a great time and would like to go out together again.

seamus · 22-09-2019 10:53AM

He's interested, but trying really hard to make sure he's 100% sure you're interested in him before he does anything.

Cos if he's wrong, work becomes weird and awkward.

Which is probably exactly what you're thinking.

Invite him to something that's not just "two colleagues going for drinks after work". Invite him to dinner, on a Saturday night. Somewhere relatively quiet and local, i.e. not in the middle of the city. Somewhere you can hear yourselves talk and you can retire to the corner of a quiet pub after dinner.

Don't drop "hints". They'll either go over his head or he'll be too afraid that he's wrong, to pick up on them.

If you're not sure at that point whether he's interested, then you have to grasp the nettle and tell him you like him. It's important to not just say, "I think you're great fun" and things like that. Because that can also mean, "You're a great friend". You need to tell him that you think he's attractive.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 11:05AM

woodchuck wrote: »

Lainey, you've answered your own question here:

So obviously there are guys who would be interested in a relationship, but you're doing something after the fact to make them think that you're not interested. Even in this thread, you're talking about a guy who could very well be interested in you by what you've described. However you already seem to have decided that he can't possibly be interested in you. It's quite possible that guys are picking up on this negative attitude after you've spent a little time with them and they assume that you're not interested in them.

That is quite possible, yes. I also wonder if it is the opposite and some men are freaked out by my forwardness (I have also been called forward for suggesting dates and making the first move) and it makes them lose all interest. I literally don't even know which it is, and it's head wrecking.

Hints do not work. You HAVE to be direct! Particularly if your negative attitude is a blockade to them making the next move. It's not pushy or desperate to tell someone that you had a great time and would like to go out together again.

I have said that, and he seems to have agreed. The problem is knowing if it's a date date or if it's hanging out as mates. I can't seem to think of a non-childish/desperate way of asking that.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 11:07AM

seamus wrote: »

He's interested, but trying really hard to make sure he's 100% sure you're interested in him before he does anything.

Cos if he's wrong, work becomes weird and awkward.

Which is probably exactly what you're thinking.

Maybe, yeah. Was thinking of involving a mutual friend at work and trying to gauge if he's single (I'm not even sure he is) and make sure he knows I am (I was dating someone recently and not sure who at work knew about it) and seeing if he's interested, but that could be even more awkward if I'm totally wrong.

Invite him to something that's not just "two colleagues going for drinks after work". Invite him to dinner, on a Saturday night. Somewhere relatively quiet and local, i.e. not in the middle of the city. Somewhere you can hear yourselves talk and you can retire to the corner of a quiet pub after dinner.

Don't drop "hints". They'll either go over his head or he'll be too afraid that he's wrong, to pick up on them.

If you're not sure at that point whether he's interested, then you have to grasp the nettle and tell him you like him. It's important to not just say, "I think you're great fun" and things like that. Because that can also mean, "You're a great friend". You need to tell him that you think he's attractive.

This is terrifying but you're probably right. How can you actually phrase 'I really fancy you and want to date you' in a non-cringey way?

bitofabind · 22-09-2019 11:12AM

How are your flirting skills? In this type of situation I’d be dialling it up a notch with the body language, eye contact, smiling, all that stuff. Physical contact when you’re talking to him. A bit of innuendo. And making sure you look hot!

I can understand the reluctance to be like “is this a date?” And “I’m into you” as I’ve been burned with that too, the dance that we do at the beginning of dating is so delicate and I think coming on too strong can kill a man’s interest even if he did feel something for you.

But a lot of this can be worked out by simply flirting with the guy and seeing how he responds to that.

seamus · 22-09-2019 11:16AM

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I have said that, and he seems to have agreed. The problem is knowing if it's a date date or if it's hanging out as mates. I can't seem to think of a non-childish/desperate way of asking that.

You don't have to ask. There's a huge green light on your OP that you're missing.

Do you think he has *ever* texted any of his mates the next day and said, "The hangover was worth it

". And then proceeded to talk about how great his mate is, to another mate?

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Maybe, yeah. Was thinking of involving a mutual friend at work and trying to gauge if he's single (I'm not even sure he is) and make sure he knows I am (I was dating someone recently and not sure who at work knew about it) and seeing if he's interested, but that could be even more awkward if I'm totally wrong.

You're overthinking it. And overcomplicating it. If you ask him out for dinner just the two of you, that's pretty clear if he accepts that he's single.

This is terrifying but you're probably right. How can you actually phrase 'I really fancy you and want to date you' in a non-cringey way?

Again, overthinking it. Short answer is that you will be cringy, but you have to do it anyway. It'll be cringy for you, and adorable to him.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 11:21AM

bitofabind wrote: »

How are your flirting skills? In this type of situation I’d be dialling it up a notch with the body language, eye contact, smiling, all that stuff. Physical contact when you’re talking to him. A bit of innuendo. And making sure you look hot!

I think they're quite good, actually, but I've had men tell me they thought I was friendly and touchy feely with everyone. I didn't want to make this guy awkward, but near the end of the night when we were getting very tipsy, I put my hand on his leg for a few seconds, and on his arm, and he seemed to like it. There was no awkward shifting away or anything. I know this sounds ridiculous but I am on the spectrum and have real trouble gauging interest.

I've been meaning to up my game re clothes and make-up anyway. I dress very casually for work (jeans, hoodies, trainers) and I think it might look a bit juvenile.
I don't usually wear make-up as an everyday thing because I find it annoying, but might start with a bit of lipstick/mascara and whatever. I think it might improve my confidence in general if I know I look good.

I can understand the reluctance to be like “is this a date?” And “I’m into you” as I’ve been burned with that too, the dance that we do at the beginning of dating is so delicate and I think coming on too strong can kill a man’s interest even if he did feel something for you.

But a lot of this can be worked out by simply flirting with the guy and seeing how he responds to that.

This is the thing. And this is why I never want to crush everything by being too forward. Maybe I just need to keep flirting.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 11:24AM

seamus wrote: »

You don't have to ask. There's a huge green light on your OP that you're missing.

Do you think he has *ever* texted any of his mates the next day and said, "The hangover was worth it ". And then proceeded to talk about how great his mate is, to another mate?

Haha...I'd interpret it as interest, yes. The fact he didn't give me his number is a bit weird, though. Does he think I'm going to stalk him or something, or was he telling me he's not interested?

You're overthinking it. And overcomplicating it. If you ask him out for dinner just the two of you, that's pretty clear if he accepts that he's single.

Again, overthinking it. Short answer is that you will be cringy, but you have to do it anyway. It'll be cringy for you, and adorable to him.

Yeah, I should probably just do it. I guess it's an ego boost for him either way. I'd just have to live with feeling a bit pathetic if he actually doesn't fancy me at all, but I guess I'd just have to style it out and pretend it was never a date.

zapper55 · 22-09-2019 11:40AM

I missed (and just read) the bit where he invited you to his when its tidied up.ok Lainey mayne it's not just men that dont get hints

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 11:47AM

zapper55 wrote: »

I missed (and just read) the bit where he invited you to his when its tidied up.ok Lainey mayne it's not just men that dont get hints

LOL...well tbh I missed out the context.

He lives in a style of house I love and part of the convo had been about how he'd been redecorating and so on, and I sort of invited myself round to have a look at some point. He said the place was a tip so I couldn't go that evening, but that once he'd tidied up, I could go round for drinks.

Then once I was home I was worrying that it sounded like I just wanted to go round for sex or something. :eek:

He's barely messaged this weekend so maybe he's really not interested? I don't knowwww.

seamus · 22-09-2019 11:47AM

This is known as "sandbagging". You're already making plans and excuses under the assumption that it won't work out.

Which is nearly always a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try approach it with hope and without expectation. Being prepared for rejection will make it more likely it'll happen but no less painful if it does.

22-09-2019 12:03PM

Just take him out and tell him you like him and not just as a friend. If he runs away he's not interested.

If you aren't a natural flirt you can't learn it and will either come off too strong and "dying for it" or too subtle.

Men get mixed signals from women all the time, so most don't pay any attention anymore.

It used to be a man would go in for a kiss, and then would know, but these days it seems that's sexual assault.

bitofabind · 22-09-2019 01:36PM

i do think men really need to get a green light in order to feel safe / comfortable moving things forward. especially in these post #metoo times and especially when you work with someone and they know that taking a risk could have big consequences.

i worked with my ex and we got into a flirty over-and-back in the office over email, that then escalated to him making me a coffee when he was doing his daily run to the kitchen. then I was leaving the job and sent him a flirty email with my number and inviting him to my leaving drinks and he always said that was the point that he knew he was getting a clear sign and he was safe to come along and give it a shot!

it's hard lainey, but you do have to be bold and do things that aren't quite comfortable to get the things you want in life. he might say no / not be interested / have a girlfriend already, and so what? he's just another guy in a sea of guys...another one will be along shortly, but at least then you can eliminate this one from your list! or you might make his day! try to take a lighthearted approach to it all, no biggie if this guy isn't your guy.

why don't you start with inviting him to something and giving him your number to follow up?

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 02:01PM

seamus wrote: »

This is known as "sandbagging". You're already making plans and excuses under the assumption that it won't work out.

Which is nearly always a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try approach it with hope and without expectation. Being prepared for rejection will make it more likely it'll happen but no less painful if it does.

Yea, you're right. I think I do do this. I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't go for things, in my dating life and professional life too.

I guess I need to frame it that I have nothing to lose. If he likes me, great. If he likes me but doesn't want to do anything because of work or because he's not single or whatever it is, fine. If he's not into me that way, I'll be a bit embarrassed but he might be flattered anyway. I guess what I'm most afraid of is ending up a laughing stock at work as we have so many mutual friends, but he doesn't seem like that kind of guy.

Then again, I've been very badly burned before. This is why I am how I am.

lainey_d_123 · 22-09-2019 02:03PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Just take him out and tell him you like him and not just as a friend. If he runs away he's not interested.

If you aren't a natural flirt you can't learn it and will either come off too strong and "dying for it" or too subtle.

Men get mixed signals from women all the time, so most don't pay any attention anymore.

It used to be a man would go in for a kiss, and then would know, but these days it seems that's sexual assault.

I think I am a natural flirt because I find myself doing it to guys I'm attracted to but not going for (because they're attached).

Yes, the whole scene has changed since all the 'me too' stuff. I can understand someone thinking it would be creepy to make a move. Just makes it even harder than ever before.

Men finding me good company but not interested in relationship?

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