Dating a guy who regularly updates his Tinder profile

Tinder has an automatic photo selector that updates your photo from time to time based on popularity. Updating his description is different but maybe he's not updating his photo himself?

I wouldn't specifically bring up the Tinder thing with him. However, do you want to be exclusive? If so, then that's a conversation you need to have. These days it's understandable that people keep their options open in the early days of dating someone new, because so many people end up just ghosting each other. However if you both really like each other and want to give a real shot, then it's worth talking about.

If I really liked someone 4 weeks would be plenty of time for me to get off tinder. However if I was on the fence about them or had been burnt before and was more cautious then 4 weeks wouldn't be enough.

But hes not just on tinder, he's actively updating his profile. That's not the sign of a guy who is really that into you. I'd ask him.

IMO this idea of seeing an activity such as tinder profile change, and then reading his feelings and future intentions into the activity is at the very least a bad idea that will cause you insecurity, and at worst a kind of snooping. It does you no good to speculate on his intentions and could because a self fulfilling prophecy of failure.

If you want to know how he feels about you, ask him. If you want to be an exclusive couple - have the talk. If you want you both to not be active on tinder, discuss it with him.

He could be just as insecure as you. But harbouring negative feelings over an activity he is perfectly entitled to do, and attributing intentions to why he did it ... its just negative energy.

Have a conversation and ask him what the story is. Don't come in all guns blazing saying "I saw you updated your Tinder what's up with that???" Just have the chat about how you both think this is going if you're ready yourself. If you're not ready and would like to keep browsing yourself, then you can't be mad at him for feeling the same.

I specifically said don’t talk about Tinder.

Also why the assumption that he’s a defensive, avoidant stereotype? There’s literally zero evidence to say that. He could just as easily say “I was thinking the same thing”.

tara73 wrote: »

OP, did you already sleep with him? You don't have to answer here for sure but it's a very important question or subject in this case. As you probably know there are a lot of people on dating apps who are just up for the one thing and these dating apps make it so easy for them and at the same time so difficult for people who are looking for something serious.

I don't understand why people often sleep that quickly with somebody (not saying you have, just speaking in general because it's popping up here very often) they like while hoping for a serious relationship before knowing the other person is interested in the same thing. that complicates and often messes up the whole thing for the person who is seriously interested. but it's their own fault if they have sex without clearing whether the other person is on the same page.

So yes, ask him what he's up to. It's early days and I think that's what bothers you but as situations are as they are these days with people on dating apps, it's very valid to clear the air that early.

But in fairness, it can seem a bit full-on to start grilling someone on what they're looking for at that stage. Maybe they don't know? What if they say they want a relationship but then change their mind after you've had sex?

The apps combined with awful imported American dating culture have absolutely ruined the natural progression of relationships, IMO. It used to be that you'd meet someone, kiss them, maybe start sleeping with them and after a few weeks of this it would just be a given that you were in an exclusive relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend. Now you could be dating someone who is dating and sleeping with 5 other people and it would be considered grand for them to do that. Ten years ago it would have been considered vile (and IMO, it is).

There's no excitement or natural spontaneity anymore. You either take it easy and have to be OK with the fact that the person you're into might be shagging however many other people, or you grill them about their intentions early on, quite possibly killing a budding relationship in the process.

tara73 wrote: »

It's not about grilling someone, the simple question whether he/she is looking for a proper relationship or not is suffice. And as said, I don't see a reason why not to clear the air in the early days before wasting any time with somebody, or even worse, to get dissappointed and hurt.

I think on the more trustworthy or reputable dating sites you can state in your profile for what your looking for. In general, I wouldn't use Tinder at all when looking for a proper relationship, it seems to be primarily a hook up site.

Yes, because nobody has ever misrepresented their intentions on a dating app. :rolleyes: Honestly, some of these comments are so naive. It is honestly a jungle out there. I've encountered quite a few sociopathic men on apps who actively take pleasure from deceiving women and a lot more who consider themselves good people but nevertheless are happy to misrepresent their intentions or even outright lie to get what they want. At the end of the day, most people are just out for themselves.

I've tried being honest and upfront about what I want, and the outcome hasn't really been much different. When I start dating again, I'll probably just go with the flow at the beginning and not put any kind of pressure on and enjoy it for what it is - going out on fun dates, kissing, perhaps sex (would have to be direct here to establish whether or not they're sleeping with others for sexual health reasons) and just see what happens. Maybe it's a personal thing but I'm just not good with any kind of expectation or pressure or forced things, and I find the apps result in all of this.

leggo wrote: »

We’re veering waaaaaayy away from the OP’s issue now, maybe start your own topic if you’d like to talk?

But consider this: instead of blaming the entire male species, or the internet, perhaps you’re chasing people who just aren’t that into you and that’s the source of your issues. And if someone isn’t into you, it wouldn’t matter if you were talking by Tinder or telegram.

Whenever you blame the world for difficulties you’re having, you’re ****ed because you’re not going to change the world. But if you take responsibility for your own happiness, all of a sudden you can do something about it.

Except we're not because this is the exact issue - how to address remaining on an app when you've been dating someone for a good few weeks and whether to address it at all.

I've never and will never 'chase someone who isn't that into me' but it can actually be the men who do a lot of the running at first who turn out to be the worst ones in the end, because it's all an ego boost for them. In fact, 'very keen' is one of the biggest red flags there is. It can be surprisingly hard to distinguish between someone who genuinely likes you and is excited about starting a relationship and someone who is trying to lovebomb.

Thinking you can ask someone what they're looking for and that this total stranger will have your best intentions at heart and be honest is dangerously naive when it comes to using the apps. Plenty of men have been conditioned to think they can't say they're looking for sex or to be fcukbuddies because women won't go for it, so they lie and pretend they want more. In the end, talk is cheap. People can say anything they want and there are a lot of people who will say whatever they need to say to get what they want. It's that simple. Actions are what counts. If I'm dating someone for several weeks and they're still actively using dating apps, then that to me is a clear sign that they're not very interested. I'm fine with making it clear that I'm no longer using apps and seeing if they mention the same, but the idea that you can just 'simply' ask someone what they're looking for and get an honest answer....just no.

leggo wrote: »

Did you ever consider you’re chasing the wrong people or repeating a damaging pattern (even without realising)? This one specific circumstance keeps happening to you...meanwhile there are millions of people out there in happy, healthy relationships.

I found this was the case when using apps, hence I stopped using them. I have no idea what other people's relationships are like, but given the number of men with serious partners who hit on me at work and in my hobby clubs and complain about their SOs and are blatantly trying to set up some kind of emotional/physical affair, I don't think there are as many of these 'happy, healthy relationships' as you seem to think there are.

Consider for a moment that you are the only common denominator in all of these circumstances, and the same is true of me and anyone else in patterns we may be unhappy with, it’s not a personal dig. Hold yourself partially responsible for the scenarios you continually find yourself in, figure out why this happens (get external help if need be), then be aware of it and the consequences in moving forward. You’ll find your results and observations may change dramatically.

Or you can continue to give out on boards and blame the entire male species while they all get on with their lives. Are you finding that’s doing anything to improve things?

Or you could just not be patronising and accept the fact that a LOT of men on dating apps have no problem misleading and lying to get what they want? This isn't some out-there opinion, it's pretty mainstream and well documented. Criticising individuals for not 'just' asking something directly is unfair. It's far from being that easy and I've explained why. It can often be totally counterproductive or just plain pointless. But sure, you seem to enjoy making personal digs rather than listening to people's lived experiences, so I'll leave you to it.

leggo wrote: »

I don’t know you or your situation to patronise you and I’ve specifically said my observations aren’t personal. I simply disagree and am suggesting that your beliefs that all men are evil manipulators out for one thing may be holding you back as a single woman hoping to meet a decent man. Like if I based my opinions of women on my worst dating app interactions, I could surmise that ‘all’ women have low self-esteem, are on the defensive right away, need to work on their attachment styles and respond to any positive interactions by becoming way too invested too quickly and putting me off because of how desperate and unhealthy that is. Then they can’t deal with rejection and get crazy (in the past month alone a girl I went on 2-3 dates with poured bleach on my toothbrush).

And as a woman who used dating apps quite a bit, I'd say I know a lot more about it than you do, so why do you keep dismissing my lived experiences? I'm simply saying that a lot of men on apps are out for one thing and a lot of them will say whatever they need to say to get it. That's simply a fact. I never said all men are evil manipulators - now YOU are being dramatic and using hyperbole.

You seem to be intent on victim blaming and making out that I'm doing something wrong - no, this is simply the reality of using the apps. They are no place for anyone who is vulnerable or desperately looking for something real. You really do need to be switched on and somewhat detached and really take it all with a grain of salt. The reality is that a lot of men simply aren't willing to be honest if they're just looking for a hookup and will pretend they want more when they don't. So asking what they're looking for is pretty redundant. I've found that it's far better to just judge people by their actions rather than their words. If they're in contact a lot (but not overbearingly so), keen to arrange future dates, interested in your life, they're all good signs that they're not just after sex.

Would that generalisation represent you and other women you know who’ve used apps? I could choose to believe it if I needed to make myself feel better, but it would be total BS and self-harm to do so right? I’d sooner learn lessons and avoid someone who reminds me of that girl next time around. It’s the more productive route than getting bitter and pissing away my 30’s being a victim and moaning about a few bad experiences.

Anyway this is all totally off-topic so let’s get back to the OP, we can discuss further if you wanna start your own thread.

Yes, it would. I'm trying to give OP some advice about the question she asked about how to deal with the situation. You're dragging the thread off topic with your snide personal insults and condescension.

He is dating other people.

I wouldn't react to it right now. But i wouldn't sleep with him until he has it deleted and he is committed to you either. If he goes expecting sex with no relationship perhaps move on you are on different pages.

dobman88 wrote: »

You're still using a dating app, he is still using a dating app. Why is it something you need to worry about?

If you had deleted your profile and stopped using the app, I'd say fair enough and talk to him but the fact you're both still on it, you come across as a bit on your high horse wanting him to stop using it while you continue using it.

Ah but OP is only using it to check if he's using it... she's not chasing other men. Don't see how she's on a high horse

Xterminator wrote: »

i was only checking my tinder to see if you were checking yours ..... indeed!

Stop being willfully dense. There's a world of difference between simply looking, and actively using, updating photos, updating your bio.

"The guy I've been on 7 dates with still has Tinder installed" - perfectly fine.

"The guy I've been seeing still actively uses Tinder, updates his info and photos after 7 dates" - clearly he's not that interested.