Age gap & children [title edited by mod]

ClaireMurphy27 · 31-07-2019 01:10PM #1

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years, we are both happy in our relationship. There is a 21 year age gap. He has children and has been married. Lately I have had several talks with him regarding marriage and children, he tells me he has been there done that. He feels he is too old to be a father(he's 46). This is causing a issue for me as I'm a lot younger and want to have children myself. Do I walk away?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 31-07-2019 01:14PM

It's one of those things you can't really compromise on, you can't kind of have a kid. He's being honest with you at least and not fobbing the question off.

Do you mean you own a house together?

If having children is something you know you need then yes you might have to walk.

Rachiee · 31-07-2019 01:24PM

Honestly I'd walk it's really sad, I'm sure you love him very much but having to give up the chance of having kids doesn't sound worth it, you're not going to change his mind, he may fob you off and try drag it out til it's too late.

ManOfMystery · 31-07-2019 02:01PM

Whilst it's nice to say age doesn't matter (and often, it doesn't) this is unfortunately one of those situations where it does. You're at very different stages in life - you're 25, and looking ahead towards possibly having a family, whilst he's already gone down that road and by the sounds of it doesn't want to revisit it.

As said above, this isn't really an issue that can be compromised on like many others. If is he 100% adamant he doesn't want any more children, then you have to decide whether you can be happy and content having a life without children also - or if it's a deal breaker for you, in which case the only option really is for you to walk away. You are young enough that you have plenty of time to meet someone else who will hopefully be on the same page as you.

Xterminator · 31-07-2019 03:05PM

i would suggest getting a dog together as a possible compromise.

obviously if you have your heart set on a baby it wont do, but it might fill a void. google fur babies - it is a growing trend.

ClaireMurphy27 · 31-07-2019 03:43PM

Xterminator wrote: »

i would suggest getting a dog together as a possible compromise.

obviously if you have your heart set on a baby it wont do, but it might fill a void. google fur babies - it is a growing trend.

We have a dog!!

antix80 · 31-07-2019 05:40PM

Xterminator wrote: »

i would suggest getting a dog together as a possible compromise.

obviously if you have your heart set on a baby it wont do, but it might fill a void. google fur babies - it is a growing trend.

This is depraved.

It might fill a void of companionship for an elderly person but as an alternative to having a child it's just a disgusting thing to suggest!

31-07-2019 05:45PM

did it never come up in the five years, OP?

shesty · 31-07-2019 08:43PM

Look I am 36 and I have kids. And I am done.So is my husband.

I mean never say never, but at the same time, I can totally understand where he is mentally. In the meantime though, I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately it does sound like the end of the relationship. I'd suggest having another very serious conversation about it, but it may be that you have to accept that you probably will be walking away.

Lotus Flower · 31-07-2019 10:52PM

Hi OP,

It's a tough one but you're still so young and can meet someone on the same page. As other posters have said, this is an issue that there won't be a compromise on. The last thing you want is to resent him in 10 years time

wiggle16 · 31-07-2019 11:04PM

Have to say I agree with other posters, this isn't something you should be compromising on at 25.

Part of the problem with large age gaps is that you can end up with two people at very different, irreconcilable points in their lives. I'm guessing his kids are teens or nearly reared, meaning he has decided he is done with that part of his life and does not want to become a new father in his late 40's. That's understandable. If you were both 25 there would be a good chance he would change his mind in a couple of years. This man isn't going to.

fallen01angel · 31-07-2019 11:08PM

ClaireMurphy27 wrote: »

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years, we are both happy in our relationship. There is a 21 year age gap. He has children and has been married. Lately I have had several talks with him regarding marriage and children, he tells me he has been there done that. He feels he is too old to be a father(he's 46). This is causing a issue for me as I'm a lot younger and want to have children myself. Do I walk away?

This is a v tough situation,you're in a long term relationship and you're currently happy but you have realised that your partner doesn't want another marriage and no more children.
Unfortunately no one here can give you the magic solution. How important are marriage and children to you? How will seeing him interacting with his children affect you knowing you won't ever experience that same bond if you decide to stay with him.
He has told you his feelings on the situation and it's HIGHLY unlikely to change from that.Whatever you decide please don't waste time thinking you can change his mind.
You're young,if you cannot see your life not involving having a baby you have plenty of time to make a new start.

Lotus Flower · 31-07-2019 11:15PM

Also OP, it might not seem like it but you're in a lucky position of knowing what you want at 25, some women don't realise until their 30s

heretochat · 01-08-2019 10:23AM

Also agree with the majority on here. The decision to have/not have kids is no one that can be compromised on. It's not like choosing the bathroom tiles.

I have a friend (male) that was in the same boat as you, in a relationship with an older women who had kids of her own. He was as a father to them (they were together over 10 years) but always wanted kids of his own.

She was at the age where this wasn't an option for her health wise and he had to take the agonising decision to split up with her.

He is still crushed by the outcome even now.

So be prepared for heartbreak whichever way you jump OP

Take care of yourself

Fol20 · 01-08-2019 10:27AM

heretochat wrote: »

Also agree with the majority on here. The decision to have/not have kids is no one that can be compromised on. It's not like choosing the bathroom tiles.

I have a friend (male) that was in the same boat as you, in a relationship with an older women who had kids of her own. He was as a father to them (they were together over 10 years) but always wanted kids of his own.

She was at the age where this wasn't an option for her health wise and he had to take the agonising decision to split up with her.

He is still crushed by the outcome even now.

So be prepared for heartbreak whichever way you jump OP

Take care of yourself

In that example, it sounds more like it’s age/health related than a choice. If that was the case, you could always look into surrogate mothers.

heretochat · 01-08-2019 10:35AM

Fol20 wrote: »

In that example, it sounds more like it’s age/health related than a choice. If that was the case, you could always look into surrogate mothers.

Not to drag thread off topic but it's the same point in the end - one partner wanted kids while the other one didn't (due to her age primarily).

It's something that can't be negotiated was my point to the OP.

antix80 · 01-08-2019 10:37AM

Fol20 wrote: »

In that example, it sounds more like it’s age/health related than a choice. If that was the case, you could always look into surrogate mothers.

I doubt his ex would appreciate a call "hey, let's get back together, I got a great idea from someone on boards.. let's find a surrogate and egg donor, it'll probably cost €150000 and isn't even legal in Ireland.. so we can raise my baby together".. honestly, wtf!

woodchuck · 01-08-2019 10:45AM

Mod note:

Let's get back on topic please. Please only post if you have advice for the OPs specific situation.

hello2020 · 01-08-2019 11:55AM

Rachiee wrote: »

Honestly I'd walk it's really sad, I'm sure you love him very much but having to give up the chance of having kids doesn't sound worth it, you're not going to change his mind, he may fob you off and try drag it out til it's too late.

yes, now is the time to walk away when u r young with options.
this is just the beginning of issues due to age gap.. as he moves into fifty , there will be many things which he would have no interest in doing which people of your age likes..

LegacyUser · 01-08-2019 01:12PM

Hi OP,

I had to come to terms with this myself, I was in a relationship with a woman 11 years older than me for the guts of 10 years. I really wanted children, she didn't (which she told me from the start).

It absolutely broke my heart but we had to break up, a relationship should be something that makes both people happy.

I thought I could get over it but i really couldn't. She is an amazing woman and would be an amazing mother, but it just wasn't for her. I had to respect that decision and unfortunately I think something similar may be ahead for you. Especially considering he already has children.

It's an absolute gut-wrenching thing to do, but you have to consider yourself first and foremost, and if it's something you really want you have to make that decision.

sportsfan90 · 01-08-2019 02:22PM

I feel sorry for you OP it's a tough position to be in.

I won't advise whether you should break up or not, but please don't try to guilt him into having a child with you.

B0jangles · 01-08-2019 02:49PM

Lotus Flower wrote: »

Also OP, it might not seem like it but you're in a lucky position of knowing what you want at 25, some women don't realise until their 30s

Also that he's being very clear about what he wants too - I know this situation is extremely painful for you, but it's good that he's not pretending to be on the fence about having more kids just to keep you from ending the relationship. That has happened to a couple of people I know of - they spent their thirties with someone who was definitely going to have kids with them 'one day' only to find out too late that kids were never something their partner wanted.

Take care

Heres Johnny · 01-08-2019 07:39PM

Similar situation to me OP, I'm 38 and the girlfriend is 25. We live together in my house, everything is great between us it's the best relationship I've ever had she's very mature for her age in all ways except for the fact she's nowhere near ready to have kids and still wants to do a bit of exploring around the globe. I'd love nothing more than start a family with her but I think I'll have to wait until she is 30s at least. I've no kids myself but the age gap means we are at different stages of wants at the moment. I do love her though and may very well be happy to wait. She said she will want them at some stage. Oh, the joys of age gaps

LegacyUser · 02-08-2019 02:35PM

Hi OP

I feel for your situation. I am in a serious relationship with a man who is older and also has kids and was previously married. It was something that came up with us very early on as I needed to know if he would be willing to have kids with right person. I didn't want to risk falling madly in love with someone to have to walk away. As previously stated having kids together is not something you can compromise on, you can compromise on the number but not having them in general. I think you need to have a long hard chat and need to assess what is right for you. You are in a position where you have time on your side. Either way I wish you the best!

AulWan · 02-08-2019 03:19PM

Has he any other objections to having more children, other then his age?

While I agree with the majority that its very likely you may have to walk away, it would be a shame to give up without trying to talk about it at least once more, and making the point to him that nowadays its not at all unusual for both women and men to become parents for the first time in their forties, so that throws his "too old" excuse out the window.

Is he fit? Is he in good health? If his true reason is that he simply does not want more children and he is using his age as his excuse, then yes, you will have a very difficult decision to make.

Best of luck to you.

airy fairy · 02-08-2019 03:30PM

You'll have another 20+ years of pondering over babies if you don't address it now with him.
A clear, frank discussion is needed.
And it wouldn't be a compromise about having one baby, it may be more than one. Hormones and natural instinct will play that part after the first!
Both of you were a little blind going into this relationship for either of you not to think about this until 5 years in.
As I said, you've another 20 years of this yearn for a baby. It's a long time for a battle with a partner who doesn't want another child.
Only you will know of he's open to having a baby.
And then, you may have to walk.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 02-08-2019 04:38PM

AulWan wrote: »

Has he any other objections to having more children, other then his age?

While I agree with the majority that its very likely you may have to walk away, it would be a shame to give up without trying to talk about it at least once more, and making the point to him that nowadays its not at all unusual for both women and men to become parents for the first time in their forties, so that throws his "too old" excuse out the window.

Is he fit? Is he in good health? If his true reason is that he simply does not want more children and he is using his age as his excuse, then yes, you will have a very difficult decision to make.

Best of luck to you.

I don't think that's really fair to him. It's very common for 18 year olds to have kids but that doesn't mean that someone that age deciding that theyre too young to have children is an excuse.

He's had and raised kids, he knows what it entails, he's the person best qualified to decide if he feels he's too old to start into the whole process again.

They're both being honest about what they want to do, there's really not a bad guy here, it's just a sad situation.

I'm not speaking from experience but I'd imagine browbeating someone into having a child to keep their relationship is running a pretty high risk of the relationship ending anyway, that's got to lead to resentment.

AulWan · 02-08-2019 08:17PM

Yisroel Scarce Tinder wrote: »

I don't think that's really fair to him. It's very common for 18 year olds to have kids but that doesn't mean that someone that age deciding that theyre too young to have children is an excuse.

He's had and raised kids, he knows what it entails, he's the person best qualified to decide if he feels he's too old to start into the whole process again.

They're both being honest about what they want to do, there's really not a bad guy here, it's just a sad situation.

I'm not speaking from experience but I'd imagine browbeating someone into having a child to keep their relationship is running a pretty high risk of the relationship ending anyway, that's got to lead to resentment.

And telling him the relationship is over now unless he changes his mind about having kids, is not browbeating him? Ok then.

He must have known, when he, as a forty year old man, took up with a woman half his age, that this would very likely become an issue down the road. If he was that adamant about not having any more children then he should never have let this relationship go on as long as it has. JMHO.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 02-08-2019 08:31PM

AulWan wrote: »

And telling him the relationship is over now unless he changes his mind about having kids, is not browbeating him? Ok then.

He must have known, when he, as a forty year old man, took up with a woman half his age, that this would very likely become an issue down the road. If he was that adamant about not having any more children then he should never have let this relationship go on as long as it has. JMHO.

No but trying to argue them out of it by saying they're using their age as an excuse etc is. I think there is a difference between "I want kids, you don't, neither of us is wrong but sadly this means the end of the road" and "I'm leaving unless you agree to have a child with me".

He probably should have foreseen this issue, yes. I wouldn't generally be a fan of relationships with that much of an age gap as a rule of thumb to be honest, partly because problems like this tend to arise even if it is an otherwise happy and healthy relationship which this one seems to be.

I just don't think it's fair to frame someone who's already had children deciding that heading into middle-age they don't want to have a baby again as an excuse. It's a big decision no matter what age you are.

AulWan · 02-08-2019 09:26PM

Yisroel Scarce Tinder wrote: »

No but trying to argue them out of it by saying they're using their age as an excuse etc is. I think there is a difference between "I want kids, you don't, neither of us is wrong but sadly this means the end of the road" and "I'm leaving unless you agree to have a child with me".

He probably should have foreseen this issue, yes. I wouldn't generally be a fan of relationships with that much of an age gap as a rule of thumb to be honest, partly because problems like this tend to arise even if it is an otherwise happy and healthy relationship which this one seems to be.

I just don't think it's fair to frame someone who's already had children deciding that heading into middle-age they don't want to have a baby again as an excuse. It's a big decision no matter what age you are.

I never actually said he was definitely using his age as an excuse, just that the OP should delve a little further into his reasons before accepting that at face value and walking away as 99% of the posts here have told her to do.

After five years I wouldn't give up and throw in the towel quite so easily. I would point out that many people wait to become parents in their forties for the first time, that he is not "too old"- but if after doing that and he still was adamant then she can walk away guilt free knowing she did everything she could to save their relationship. After all, she claims its a good one.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 02-08-2019 09:57PM

AulWan wrote: »

I never actually said he was definitely using his age as an excuse, just that the OP should delve a little further into his reasons before accepting that at face value and walking away as 99% of the posts here have told her to do.

After five years I wouldn't give up and throw in the towel quite so easily. I would point out that many people wait to become parents in their forties for the first time, that he is not "too old"- but if after doing that and he still was adamant then she can walk away guilt free knowing she did everything she could to save their relationship. After all, she claims its a good one.

Aye fair enough, see what you're saying.

Age gap & children [title edited by mod]

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