Age gap & children [title edited by mod]

ClaireMurphy27

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years, we are both happy in our relationship. There is a 21 year age gap. He has children and has been married. Lately I have had several talks with him regarding marriage and children, he tells me he has been there done that. He feels he is too old to be a father(he's 46). This is causing a issue for me as I'm a lot younger and want to have children myself. Do I walk away?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It's one of those things you can't really compromise on, you can't kind of have a kid. He's being honest with you at least and not fobbing the question off.

Do you mean you own a house together?

If having children is something you know you need then yes you might have to walk.

Rachiee

Honestly I'd walk it's really sad, I'm sure you love him very much but having to give up the chance of having kids doesn't sound worth it, you're not going to change his mind, he may fob you off and try drag it out til it's too late.

ManOfMystery

Whilst it's nice to say age doesn't matter (and often, it doesn't) this is unfortunately one of those situations where it does. You're at very different stages in life - you're 25, and looking ahead towards possibly having a family, whilst he's already gone down that road and by the sounds of it doesn't want to revisit it.

As said above, this isn't really an issue that can be compromised on like many others. If is he 100% adamant he doesn't want any more children, then you have to decide whether you can be happy and content having a life without children also - or if it's a deal breaker for you, in which case the only option really is for you to walk away. You are young enough that you have plenty of time to meet someone else who will hopefully be on the same page as you.

Xterminator

i would suggest getting a dog together as a possible compromise.

obviously if you have your heart set on a baby it wont do, but it might fill a void. google fur babies - it is a growing trend.

ClaireMurphy27

Xterminator wrote: »

i would suggest getting a dog together as a possible compromise.

obviously if you have your heart set on a baby it wont do, but it might fill a void. google fur babies - it is a growing trend.

We have a dog!!

antix80

Xterminator wrote: »

i would suggest getting a dog together as a possible compromise.

obviously if you have your heart set on a baby it wont do, but it might fill a void. google fur babies - it is a growing trend.

This is depraved.

It might fill a void of companionship for an elderly person but as an alternative to having a child it's just a disgusting thing to suggest!

did it never come up in the five years, OP?

shesty

Look I am 36 and I have kids. And I am done.So is my husband.

I mean never say never, but at the same time, I can totally understand where he is mentally. In the meantime though, I can absolutely understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately it does sound like the end of the relationship. I'd suggest having another very serious conversation about it, but it may be that you have to accept that you probably will be walking away.

Lotus Flower

Hi OP,

It's a tough one but you're still so young and can meet someone on the same page. As other posters have said, this is an issue that there won't be a compromise on. The last thing you want is to resent him in 10 years time

wiggle16

Have to say I agree with other posters, this isn't something you should be compromising on at 25.

Part of the problem with large age gaps is that you can end up with two people at very different, irreconcilable points in their lives. I'm guessing his kids are teens or nearly reared, meaning he has decided he is done with that part of his life and does not want to become a new father in his late 40's. That's understandable. If you were both 25 there would be a good chance he would change his mind in a couple of years. This man isn't going to.

fallen01angel

ClaireMurphy27 wrote: »

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years, we are both happy in our relationship. There is a 21 year age gap. He has children and has been married. Lately I have had several talks with him regarding marriage and children, he tells me he has been there done that. He feels he is too old to be a father(he's 46). This is causing a issue for me as I'm a lot younger and want to have children myself. Do I walk away?

This is a v tough situation,you're in a long term relationship and you're currently happy but you have realised that your partner doesn't want another marriage and no more children.
Unfortunately no one here can give you the magic solution. How important are marriage and children to you? How will seeing him interacting with his children affect you knowing you won't ever experience that same bond if you decide to stay with him.
He has told you his feelings on the situation and it's HIGHLY unlikely to change from that.Whatever you decide please don't waste time thinking you can change his mind.
You're young,if you cannot see your life not involving having a baby you have plenty of time to make a new start.

Lotus Flower

Also OP, it might not seem like it but you're in a lucky position of knowing what you want at 25, some women don't realise until their 30s

heretochat

Also agree with the majority on here. The decision to have/not have kids is no one that can be compromised on. It's not like choosing the bathroom tiles.

I have a friend (male) that was in the same boat as you, in a relationship with an older women who had kids of her own. He was as a father to them (they were together over 10 years) but always wanted kids of his own.

She was at the age where this wasn't an option for her health wise and he had to take the agonising decision to split up with her.

He is still crushed by the outcome even now.

So be prepared for heartbreak whichever way you jump OP

Take care of yourself

Fol20

heretochat wrote: »

Also agree with the majority on here. The decision to have/not have kids is no one that can be compromised on. It's not like choosing the bathroom tiles.

I have a friend (male) that was in the same boat as you, in a relationship with an older women who had kids of her own. He was as a father to them (they were together over 10 years) but always wanted kids of his own.

She was at the age where this wasn't an option for her health wise and he had to take the agonising decision to split up with her.

He is still crushed by the outcome even now.

So be prepared for heartbreak whichever way you jump OP

Take care of yourself

In that example, it sounds more like it’s age/health related than a choice. If that was the case, you could always look into surrogate mothers.

heretochat

Fol20 wrote: »

In that example, it sounds more like it’s age/health related than a choice. If that was the case, you could always look into surrogate mothers.

Not to drag thread off topic but it's the same point in the end - one partner wanted kids while the other one didn't (due to her age primarily).

It's something that can't be negotiated was my point to the OP.

antix80

Fol20 wrote: »

In that example, it sounds more like it’s age/health related than a choice. If that was the case, you could always look into surrogate mothers.

I doubt his ex would appreciate a call "hey, let's get back together, I got a great idea from someone on boards.. let's find a surrogate and egg donor, it'll probably cost €150000 and isn't even legal in Ireland.. so we can raise my baby together".. honestly, wtf!

woodchuck

Mod note:

Let's get back on topic please. Please only post if you have advice for the OPs specific situation.

hello2020

Rachiee wrote: »

Honestly I'd walk it's really sad, I'm sure you love him very much but having to give up the chance of having kids doesn't sound worth it, you're not going to change his mind, he may fob you off and try drag it out til it's too late.

yes, now is the time to walk away when u r young with options.
this is just the beginning of issues due to age gap.. as he moves into fifty , there will be many things which he would have no interest in doing which people of your age likes..

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I had to come to terms with this myself, I was in a relationship with a woman 11 years older than me for the guts of 10 years. I really wanted children, she didn't (which she told me from the start).

It absolutely broke my heart but we had to break up, a relationship should be something that makes both people happy.

I thought I could get over it but i really couldn't. She is an amazing woman and would be an amazing mother, but it just wasn't for her. I had to respect that decision and unfortunately I think something similar may be ahead for you. Especially considering he already has children.

It's an absolute gut-wrenching thing to do, but you have to consider yourself first and foremost, and if it's something you really want you have to make that decision.

sportsfan90

I feel sorry for you OP it's a tough position to be in.

I won't advise whether you should break up or not, but please don't try to guilt him into having a child with you.

B0jangles

Lotus Flower wrote: »

Also OP, it might not seem like it but you're in a lucky position of knowing what you want at 25, some women don't realise until their 30s

Also that he's being very clear about what he wants too - I know this situation is extremely painful for you, but it's good that he's not pretending to be on the fence about having more kids just to keep you from ending the relationship. That has happened to a couple of people I know of - they spent their thirties with someone who was definitely going to have kids with them 'one day' only to find out too late that kids were never something their partner wanted.

Take care

Heres Johnny

Similar situation to me OP, I'm 38 and the girlfriend is 25. We live together in my house, everything is great between us it's the best relationship I've ever had she's very mature for her age in all ways except for the fact she's nowhere near ready to have kids and still wants to do a bit of exploring around the globe. I'd love nothing more than start a family with her but I think I'll have to wait until she is 30s at least. I've no kids myself but the age gap means we are at different stages of wants at the moment. I do love her though and may very well be happy to wait. She said she will want them at some stage. Oh, the joys of age gaps

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I feel for your situation. I am in a serious relationship with a man who is older and also has kids and was previously married. It was something that came up with us very early on as I needed to know if he would be willing to have kids with right person. I didn't want to risk falling madly in love with someone to have to walk away. As previously stated having kids together is not something you can compromise on, you can compromise on the number but not having them in general. I think you need to have a long hard chat and need to assess what is right for you. You are in a position where you have time on your side. Either way I wish you the best!

AulWan

Has he any other objections to having more children, other then his age?

While I agree with the majority that its very likely you may have to walk away, it would be a shame to give up without trying to talk about it at least once more, and making the point to him that nowadays its not at all unusual for both women and men to become parents for the first time in their forties, so that throws his "too old" excuse out the window.

Is he fit? Is he in good health? If his true reason is that he simply does not want more children and he is using his age as his excuse, then yes, you will have a very difficult decision to make.

Best of luck to you.

airy fairy

You'll have another 20+ years of pondering over babies if you don't address it now with him.
A clear, frank discussion is needed.
And it wouldn't be a compromise about having one baby, it may be more than one. Hormones and natural instinct will play that part after the first!
Both of you were a little blind going into this relationship for either of you not to think about this until 5 years in.
As I said, you've another 20 years of this yearn for a baby. It's a long time for a battle with a partner who doesn't want another child.
Only you will know of he's open to having a baby.
And then, you may have to walk.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

AulWan wrote: »

Has he any other objections to having more children, other then his age?

While I agree with the majority that its very likely you may have to walk away, it would be a shame to give up without trying to talk about it at least once more, and making the point to him that nowadays its not at all unusual for both women and men to become parents for the first time in their forties, so that throws his "too old" excuse out the window.

Is he fit? Is he in good health? If his true reason is that he simply does not want more children and he is using his age as his excuse, then yes, you will have a very difficult decision to make.

Best of luck to you.

I don't think that's really fair to him. It's very common for 18 year olds to have kids but that doesn't mean that someone that age deciding that theyre too young to have children is an excuse.

He's had and raised kids, he knows what it entails, he's the person best qualified to decide if he feels he's too old to start into the whole process again.

They're both being honest about what they want to do, there's really not a bad guy here, it's just a sad situation.

I'm not speaking from experience but I'd imagine browbeating someone into having a child to keep their relationship is running a pretty high risk of the relationship ending anyway, that's got to lead to resentment.

AulWan

Yisroel Scarce Tinder wrote: »

I don't think that's really fair to him. It's very common for 18 year olds to have kids but that doesn't mean that someone that age deciding that theyre too young to have children is an excuse.

He's had and raised kids, he knows what it entails, he's the person best qualified to decide if he feels he's too old to start into the whole process again.

They're both being honest about what they want to do, there's really not a bad guy here, it's just a sad situation.

I'm not speaking from experience but I'd imagine browbeating someone into having a child to keep their relationship is running a pretty high risk of the relationship ending anyway, that's got to lead to resentment.

And telling him the relationship is over now unless he changes his mind about having kids, is not browbeating him? Ok then.

He must have known, when he, as a forty year old man, took up with a woman half his age, that this would very likely become an issue down the road. If he was that adamant about not having any more children then he should never have let this relationship go on as long as it has. JMHO.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

AulWan wrote: »

And telling him the relationship is over now unless he changes his mind about having kids, is not browbeating him? Ok then.

He must have known, when he, as a forty year old man, took up with a woman half his age, that this would very likely become an issue down the road. If he was that adamant about not having any more children then he should never have let this relationship go on as long as it has. JMHO.

No but trying to argue them out of it by saying they're using their age as an excuse etc is. I think there is a difference between "I want kids, you don't, neither of us is wrong but sadly this means the end of the road" and "I'm leaving unless you agree to have a child with me".

He probably should have foreseen this issue, yes. I wouldn't generally be a fan of relationships with that much of an age gap as a rule of thumb to be honest, partly because problems like this tend to arise even if it is an otherwise happy and healthy relationship which this one seems to be.

I just don't think it's fair to frame someone who's already had children deciding that heading into middle-age they don't want to have a baby again as an excuse. It's a big decision no matter what age you are.

AulWan

Yisroel Scarce Tinder wrote: »

No but trying to argue them out of it by saying they're using their age as an excuse etc is. I think there is a difference between "I want kids, you don't, neither of us is wrong but sadly this means the end of the road" and "I'm leaving unless you agree to have a child with me".

He probably should have foreseen this issue, yes. I wouldn't generally be a fan of relationships with that much of an age gap as a rule of thumb to be honest, partly because problems like this tend to arise even if it is an otherwise happy and healthy relationship which this one seems to be.

I just don't think it's fair to frame someone who's already had children deciding that heading into middle-age they don't want to have a baby again as an excuse. It's a big decision no matter what age you are.

I never actually said he was definitely using his age as an excuse, just that the OP should delve a little further into his reasons before accepting that at face value and walking away as 99% of the posts here have told her to do.

After five years I wouldn't give up and throw in the towel quite so easily. I would point out that many people wait to become parents in their forties for the first time, that he is not "too old"- but if after doing that and he still was adamant then she can walk away guilt free knowing she did everything she could to save their relationship. After all, she claims its a good one.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

AulWan wrote: »

I never actually said he was definitely using his age as an excuse, just that the OP should delve a little further into his reasons before accepting that at face value and walking away as 99% of the posts here have told her to do.

After five years I wouldn't give up and throw in the towel quite so easily. I would point out that many people wait to become parents in their forties for the first time, that he is not "too old"- but if after doing that and he still was adamant then she can walk away guilt free knowing she did everything she could to save their relationship. After all, she claims its a good one.

Aye fair enough, see what you're saying.

the_pen_turner

AulWan wrote: »

And telling him the relationship is over now unless he changes his mind about having kids, is not browbeating him? Ok then.

He must have known, when he, as a forty year old man, took up with a woman half his age, that this would very likely become an issue down the road. If he was that adamant about not having any more children then he should never have let this relationship go on as long as it has. JMHO.

all that applies to th eop just as much. you can twist that around to blame the op as well saying that she should not have took up with someone twice her age and unlikely to want the same things she does


there is no blame here. if there was then its shared evenly.
the boyfriend has been open and honest . op can make her mind up if she values her relationship more than the potential for a child with someone else.
you have to realise that a child might never happen for the op. the grass isnt always greener


op all you can do is talk to him and see where ye both stand on this matter and see if you can move forward either trying for a child or resigned to the reality of no children.

AulWan

the_pen_turner wrote: »

all that applies to th eop just as much. you can twist that around to blame the op as well saying that she should not have took up with someone twice her age and unlikely to want the same things she does

there is no blame here. if there was then its shared evenly.
.

I don't agree on this point.

The OP's partner had twenty more years of life experience then the OP did when they started the relationship. She was 20, barely an adult and he'd already lived a full life including a marriage and children.

I think of the two of them, he should have known better.

But I guess this doesn't help the OP now, 5 years later. There is a reason why the 7 years (plus or minus) rule is a good one to follow!

ldy4mxonucwsq6

ClaireMurphy27 wrote: »

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years, we are both happy in our relationship. There is a 21 year age gap. He has children and has been married. Lately I have had several talks with him regarding marriage and children, he tells me he has been there done that. He feels he is too old to be a father(he's 46). This is causing a issue for me as I'm a lot younger and want to have children myself. Do I walk away?

I have seen couples break up over this dealbreaker before, even without the age gap (and in one case the person who didn't want kids actually went on to have them with someone else!)

Only you can decide which you want more, a relationship with him or children.

Unfortunately if he has decided he is not interested in starting another family with you then you will need to choose which you can live without, your partner or having children in the future.

Luckily time is on your side.

shesty

Actually I think although it is sad, it is a healthy place to be in for this relationship.You are both being honest with each other, and much as it hurts, it is better to find this out now at 25 OP, than at an older age.

If someone told me age 46 they would like me to start going back and having kids again, having got past the small child years, (never mind the biological impossibility of it-I am a woman), I would flat out refuse.And possibly cry.Not necessarily because I would be too old but also-just the absolute effort of small kids, how much they restrict your life, the sleep deprivation, all of it.If you really wanted to, then good for you, but it wouldn't be for me.But equally if i knew age 25 that I would never have kids because my partner didn't want more, I would have been a bit devastated.I don't think there is blame as such here on either side.He should have known better, maybe but equally, they both know where the other stands, which is healthy.

I would go with another very serious conversation on this OP, and a decision where the relationship is going.

splinter65

Yisroel Scarce Tinder wrote: »

I don't think that's really fair to him. It's very common for 18 year olds to have kids but that doesn't mean that someone that age deciding that theyre too young to have children is an excuse.

He's had and raised kids, he knows what it entails, he's the person best qualified to decide if he feels he's too old to start into the whole process again.

They're both being honest about what they want to do, there's really not a bad guy here, it's just a sad situation.

I'm not speaking from experience but I'd imagine browbeating someone into having a child to keep their relationship is running a pretty high risk of the relationship ending anyway, that's got to lead to resentment.

At age 40 this guy was not living with and raising his kids. I don’t know why he wasn’t but what we do know is that instead he was having a relationship with a 20 year old girl instead and enjoying all the perks that come with that.
The other parent of his children was no doubt NOT enjoying the same levels of freedom and leisure time.
That fact alone tells me all I really need to know about this guys attitude to parenting and commitment to his obligations.
He’s continued this relationship with this girl for 5 years in the full knowledge that sooner or later the marriage and baby’s topic would come up and he’s given her his answer and she will have to make a decision now because in 10 years time her biological clock will be sounding like Big Ben as he approaches 60.
Why anyone would have any sympathy for a separated 40 year old father getting involved with a girl of 20 is beyond me.
It just reeks of selfishness and egotism.
A young girl finding a 40 year old attractive enough to enter into a long term relationship is very odd too, but that’s a whole other thread.

sportsfan90

splinter65 wrote: »

At age 40 this guy was not living with and raising his kids. I don’t know why he wasn’t but what we do know is that instead he was having a relationship with a 20 year old girl instead and enjoying all the perks that come with that.
The other parent of his children was no doubt NOT enjoying the same levels of freedom and leisure time.
That fact alone tells me all I really need to know about this guys attitude to parenting and commitment to his obligations.
He’s continued this relationship with this girl for 5 years in the full knowledge that sooner or later the marriage and baby’s topic would come up and he’s given her his answer and she will have to make a decision now because in 10 years time her biological clock will be sounding like Big Ben as he approaches 60.
Why anyone would have any sympathy for a separated 40 year old father getting involved with a girl of 20 is beyond me.
It just reeks of selfishness and egotism.
A young girl finding a 40 year old attractive enough to enter into a long term relationship is very odd too, but that’s a whole other thread.

Wow what a nasty comment. While a big age gap isn't for everybody and can of course bring problems, there's nothing to suggest they don't get on great as a couple. They just can't come to an agreement on this one issue, which unfortunately isn't one that can have a bit of compromise or meet in the middle on.

As for your comments on the break-up of his marriage and raising of his kids, how can you not be aware of how family law treats fathers in this country? If his marriage didn't work out he probably wasn't allowed primary custody of his kids. I didn't see anything from the OP to suggest he was a feckless father who abandoned them when he got a new girlfriend.

Would you question the attitude of his ex-wife if she has a new partner too? I think yours is the attitude that stinks, not OPs partner.

AulWan

shesty wrote: »

If someone told me age 46 they would like me to start going back and having kids again, having got past the small child years, (never mind the biological impossibility of it-I am a woman), I would flat out refuse

That would be your right, but it has to be said that it is not a "biological impossibility" for a woman to have a baby at 46.

Before contraception was freely available women often had babies well into their forties and some even later than that. My mother had her last child at 44, my father was 57. My grandmother had her last child at 49.

For god's sake, your life isn't over in your 40's, you can reasonably expect to live another 30-35 years, if you look after yourself.

the_pen_turner

splinter65 wrote: »

At age 40 this guy was not living with and raising his kids. I don’t know why he wasn’t but what we do know is that instead he was having a relationship with a 20 year old girl instead and enjoying all the perks that come with that.
The other parent of his children was no doubt NOT enjoying the same levels of freedom and leisure time.
That fact alone tells me all I really need to know about this guys attitude to parenting and commitment to his obligations.
He’s continued this relationship with this girl for 5 years in the full knowledge that sooner or later the marriage and baby’s topic would come up and he’s given her his answer and she will have to make a decision now because in 10 years time her biological clock will be sounding like Big Ben as he approaches 60.
Why anyone would have any sympathy for a separated 40 year old father getting involved with a girl of 20 is beyond me.
It just reeks of selfishness and egotism.
A young girl finding a 40 year old attractive enough to enter into a long term relationship is very odd too, but that’s a whole other thread.

wow. what a terrible post
there is literly nothing in this thread that back this up. we dont know why the boyfriend split up from his ex wife. maybe she cheated on him or abused him . we dont know.

splinter65

sportsfan90 wrote: »

Wow what a nasty comment. While a big age gap isn't for everybody and can of course bring problems, there's nothing to suggest they don't get on great as a couple. They just can't come to an agreement on this one issue, which unfortunately isn't one that can have a bit of compromise or meet in the middle on.

As for your comments on the break-up of his marriage and raising of his kids, how can you not be aware of how family law treats fathers in this country? If his marriage didn't work out he probably wasn't allowed primary custody of his kids. I didn't see anything from the OP to suggest he was a feckless father who abandoned them when he got a new girlfriend.

Would you question the attitude of his ex-wife if she has a new partner too? I think yours is the attitude that stinks, not OPs partner.

I’m not being nasty I’m being honest. Separated fathers in their 40s shouldn’t be anywhere near young girls just out of their teens.
It’s not a fair and balanced relationship between equals and having a 21 year old daughter I wouldn’t be very happy with it even though she’s an independent person and it would be her choice.
Why didn’t he look for a relationship with someone his own age and life experience instead of someone young enough to be his daughter? What is she getting from this romance?
He’s more or less laying down the conditions now for the long term future of the relationship and if she doesn’t like it she has to walk away, probably with her heart broken and having missed out on the normal social life for a girl in her 20s while he sallies forth to find his next conquest.
No. She can count herself lucky that’s she’s found this out at 25 instead of 35, move on and forget this aging lothario before she wastes any more of her time.

splinter65

AulWan wrote: »

That would be your right, but it has to be said that it is not a "biological impossibility" for a woman to have a baby at 46.

Before contraception was freely available women often had babies well into their forties and some even later than that. My mother had her last child at 44, my father was 57. My grandmother had her last child at 49.

For god's sake, your life isn't over in your 40's, you can reasonably expect to live another 30-35 years, if you look after yourself.

Both your mother and your grandmother had older children who helped them to take care of the small ones who were born towards the end. There is no comparison between having a first child at 40+ and a fifth or sixth or more child at the same age.
Chalk and cheese.
Far more relaxed having done it all +++ already and doting older brothers and sisters around fighting over who gets to feed the baby next.

splinter65

the_pen_turner wrote: »

wow. what a terrible post
there is literly nothing in this thread that back this up. we dont know why the boyfriend split up from his ex wife. maybe she cheated on him or abused him . we dont know.

We know he was separated from his children but had plenty of spare energy and time to give to dating and pursuing a girl young enough to be his daughter who he should have allowed to go and find someone her own age when he absolutely knew that the relationship was never going to include her having a child to him.

the_pen_turner

splinter65 wrote: »

We know he was separated from his children but had plenty of spare energy and time to give to dating and pursuing a girl young enough to be his daughter who he should have allowed to go and find someone her own age when he absolutely knew that the relationship was never going to include her having a child to him.

we dont know how much time he spends with his kids or spent in the past.. he could be a great father. the kids could be adults and out in the world and independant.

the op might have chased this man. we dont know.

presumably this is the efirst time the op has mentioned the desire to have kids . he could genuinly have thought the op had no desire to have them or just never thought about it.

the boyfriend (and OP) has done nothing wrong here

ldy4mxonucwsq6

splinter65 wrote: »

I’m not being nasty I’m being honest. Separated fathers in their 40s shouldn’t be anywhere near young girls just out of their teens.
It’s not a fair and balanced relationship between equals and having a 21 year old daughter I wouldn’t be very happy with it even though she’s an independent person and it would be her choice.
Why didn’t he look for a relationship with someone his own age and life experience instead of someone young enough to be his daughter? What is she getting from this romance?
He’s more or less laying down the conditions now for the long term future of the relationship and if she doesn’t like it she has to walk away, probably with her heart broken and having missed out on the normal social life for a girl in her 20s while he sallies forth to find his next conquest.
No. She can count herself lucky that’s she’s found this out at 25 instead of 35, move on and forget this aging lothario before she wastes any more of her time.

Making a lot of assumptions there (as usual) to fit with your own opinion of men and labelling him as a lothario, based on what??

Anyway this is not about the age gap, its about a conflicted decision that comes up when two partners aren't on the same page as regards having children, regardless of age gap.

AulWan

splinter65 wrote: »

Both your mother and your grandmother had older children who helped them to take care of the small ones who were born towards the end. There is no comparison between having a first child at 40+ and a fifth or sixth or more child at the same age.
Chalk and cheese.
Far more relaxed having done it all +++ already and doting older brothers and sisters around fighting over who gets to feed the baby next.

Thats a big assumption on your part! I was a teenager and the youngest before the younger sibling, (5th child) came along and I can tell you point blank I didn't lift a finger to help raise them and neither did my older siblings. I never so much as washed a bottle or changed a nappy.

I feel sorry for any pregnant women in their forties reading this.

AulWan

Emely Straight Savannah wrote: »

Anyway this is not about the age gap, its about a conflicted decision that comes up when two partners aren't on the same page as regards having children, regardless of age gap.

The age gap is relevant here because the op has said one of the reasons he has given her for not wanting more children is because of his age.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

AulWan wrote: »

The age gap is relevant here because the op has said one of the reasons he has given her for not wanting more children is because of his age.

The age gap is not really relevant, may be an excuse but this conflict happens with couples that are the same age as each other.

The real issue is that one partner wants kids and the other doesn't.

AulWan

Emely Straight Savannah wrote: »

The age gap is not really relevant, may be an excuse but this conflict happens with couples that are the same age as each other.

The real issue is that one partner wants kids and the other doesn't.

We're not talking about other couples close in age, we're talking about one specific couple where age has been given as the reason for not wanting to have a child. That makes it relevant in this case.

woodchuck

Mod note:

Posters are reminded to stay on topic. Please only post if you have advice to offer the OP.

The_Honeybadger

Haven’t read the whole thread. I am a man in my forties who has a couple of kids, youngest is eight now. If I had to go back to babies and nappies now after going through it already I think I would crack up. My wife would say the same so it’s not a ‘man’ thing. It would be hell tbh.

OP you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. It seems your partners mind is made up on the issue and at least he is being honest about what he wants.

Edgware

ClaireMurphy27 wrote: »

I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost five years, we are both happy in our relationship. There is a 21 year age gap. He has children and has been married. Lately I have had several talks with him regarding marriage and children, he tells me he has been there done that. He feels he is too old to be a father(he's 46). This is causing a issue for me as I'm a lot younger and want to have children myself. Do I walk away?

This is too important an issue for you to concede. He has his kids and has gone through it all. Best go now or you will end up being de facto mother for his kids