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"I like you, but..."

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Comments

  • #62
    Porklife
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,681 ✭✭✭Porklife


    Oh dear God do not message him apologixing Op. Criinnggeeeeee. Please do not contact him at all!!


  • #63
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    bitofabind wrote: »

    I'm half thinking now that for the sake of my own self-respect and the chance that I may meet this guy or his colleagues at future events (which is quite likely), that I should send a light-hearted text apologising in a few days? The more I think about it all, the more I'm kind of cringing, but at the same time I know that he did let me down, I'd just hate the idea that anyone in my work life would think I'm unstable or something!

    Why on earth would you do that? He cancelled on you, not the other way around and you are out of pocket for that. Why would you be apologising?

    If you send the message, the only thing he will take from it is that you have zero self respect, because the message he will get is that he cancelled a trip to Spain at the last minute that cost you money and you end up apologising. What he learns from that is that you can be treated like crap and will accept it, and take the blame for it. So if you were to keep up contact he knows he can treat you poorly and you will hang on in there for more poor treatment. Do bear in mind you weren't even in an established relationship, you kissed once.

    Cut contact, move on. Your self esteem will thank you for it in the future.


  • #64
    bitofabind
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    My head is clearly all over the place at the moment. I'm just so jarred by his harsh response to me, it's so out of sync with how he'd been to that point and today I just feel overcome with embarrassment and regret. Like his last text to me was "in the interest of being completely honest and respectful of you i do not want to continue speaking. You're a great girl - this is totally on me". That when we were supposed to be meeting up in Spain that weekend instead like

    Anyway, I'm clearly too emotional to be making any rational decisions right now so I'm not going to do a thing. Except go to a yoga class and have a glass of wine!


  • #65
    Stevieluvsye
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭Stevieluvsye


    bitofabind wrote: »
    My head is clearly all over the place at the moment. I'm just so jarred by his harsh response to me, it's so out of sync with how he'd been to that point and today I just feel overcome with embarrassment and regret. Like his last text to me was "in the interest of being completely honest and respectful of you i do not want to continue speaking. You're a great girl - this is totally on me". That when we were supposed to be meeting up in Spain that weekend instead like

    Anyway, I'm clearly too emotional to be making any rational decisions right now so I'm not going to do a thing. Except go to a yoga class and have a glass of wine!

    You obviously have some issues at the moment. Speak to a professional on how best to deal with this instead of strangers.

    And stay off alcohol if you are having mental difficulties. It will make you feel worse

    Best of luck


  • #66
    bottlebrush
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,215 ✭✭✭bottlebrush


    op there is nobody only yourself and that guy who knows the extent of your communications. your friends only know what you told them and believe me they are not dwelling on it amd will have moved on by now. the guy is hardly going to brag to his friends about what he did to you. and if you are over thinking what you said in your last text which seemed to make it all about yourself, remember he had already cancelled your plans and the sweetest text in the world from you wouldn't have made a jot of difference. the wording in your text likely validated his decision to end things, a nice text might have made it more difficult for him and only prolonged the inevitable.
    you're not the first girl this has happened to and you won't be the last. the main thing is that you learn something from it.
    good luck op.


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  • #67
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    Are you ready for a relationship? Maybe it’s no harm that you continue on your self improvement. Therapy is a good thing and ultimately it will make you less inclined to make bad choices which this guy obviously was. Fair enough he had trouble with his son he naturally would be put first but it does not make it ok that he couldn’t take 10 mins out of his life to call you and apologise for letting you down after you agreed to the expense of meeting him in a different country. This reflects what character he lacks. You had a lucky escape. Move onto something better.


  • #68
    fallen01angel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 339 ✭✭fallen01angel


    bitofabind wrote: »
    My head is clearly all over the place at the moment. I'm just so jarred by his harsh response to me, it's so out of sync with how he'd been to that point and today I just feel overcome with embarrassment and regret. Like his last text to me was "in the interest of being completely honest and respectful of you i do not want to continue speaking. You're a great girl - this is totally on me". That when we were supposed to be meeting up in Spain that weekend instead like

    Anyway, I'm clearly too emotional to be making any rational decisions right now so I'm not going to do a thing. Except go to a yoga class and have a glass of wine!

    You're being v tough on yourself now OP. Yes,you made a mistake in how you dealt with the inital situation but you've got to stop beating yourself up about it......It seems like you're replaying the entire encounter over and over in your head,what he said,what you said,what he did ,what you did!!
    That's an exhausting cycle that will also drive you crazy if you allow it to continue.
    In the very cold light of day this was not a relationship in anyway shape or form,there wasn't even a date......there was talk.....a lot of talk and everyone knows (or should know) that talk is cheap.
    Some people are incredibly good in these online situations (I know you both originally met in person but the vast majority of your communication was via phone hence I would call it online.)
    As I said earlier delete everything that remotely connects you to him, give yourself tonight to mope,come tomorrow stop mentally berating yourself, work on your self esteem and speak honestly to your councillor about how the negative aspect of dating affects you.


  • #69
    bitofabind
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Thanks for the support guys. Feeling a lot better today.

    talking to a colleague about the whole thing today, she was part of the team at the event with me a few months ago. She reminded me that he had mentioned something about dating and women not understanding or tolerating his priorities as a single parent, so i think its somehting he has a bee in his bonnet over, may have played into this as well if he thought i was being a bit insensitive about the whole thing.

    not that it matters at this stage anyway!


  • #70
    Lotus Flower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,680 ✭✭✭Lotus Flower


    Hi OP

    It's easy to get swept away with a holiday romance but you're not seeing the real him

    Next time you should ask yourself if someone is physically available, I.e in the same location or near, at the very least. It's rarely worth investing in someone so far away, no matter how great they might seem


  • #71
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Stevieluvsye wrote: »
    Do you not have real friends to ask for advice instead of posting to strangers on the net where you will get 50 different answers?

    Mod note:

    It's what the forum is for, and it is what you make of it. OP is free to take advice or ignore as appropriate to their situation.

    And some people don't have friends to turn to.


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  • #72
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Lotus Flower wrote: »
    Hi OP
    It's easy to get swept away with a holiday romance but you're not seeing the real him

    This is exactly what this was in my opinion. A grown up version of a holiday romance. The sort of thing that would've fizzled out in the days before FaceTime. I'm not sure if you (or him?) actually thought through the practicalities of trying to have a long distance relationship like this. I've a friend who married a guy who lived in the UK. They found all that travelling tiring and expensive even though they were flying Ryanair and lived within reasonable distance of their respective airports. Would you really have been up for costly trips over and back across the Atlantic? How did you expect this relationship to grow?

    We can speculate until the cows come home about what was going on in this guy's head. The nicest version is that he got cold feet and handled the cancelling of the meet-up like a teenage kid might. After that, it's anyone's guess. You didn't get to know him well enough to find out what he was really like. Everyone puts their best foot forward in the early days. I wonder did you partially create a fantasy in your mind?


  • #73
    Lotus Flower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,680 ✭✭✭Lotus Flower


    bitofabind wrote: »
    She reminded me that he had mentioned something about dating and women not understanding or tolerating his priorities as a single parent, so i think its somehting he has a bee in his bonnet over, may have played into this as well if he thought i was being a bit insensitive about the whole thing.

    I meant to add, this is veering into blaming yourself territory and there's really no point in that- bottom line is he's not physically available and that's all that really matters


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