How common is it for people to never find an other half or have kids?

kunst nugget wrote: »

If you've been in a relationship for a while and then decide that they're not for you that would be grand. But if you never experienced a relationship at all and were left wondering if you might have enjoyed being in one then that is sad.

The other poster wants to make it seem sad and unnecessary for people not to be in a relationship, regardless of those people's personal feelings on the matter. It's as though your only life goal should be getting into a relationship, and the word "unnecessary" indicates the poster thinks that all single people are single by choice. Telling people who want to be in a relationship that their life will be "affirmed" when in a relationship and that them not being in one is unnecessary only makes them think there's something wrong with them. Telling someone who is in an abusive relationship (or has been in one) that relationships are life affirming is ridiculous. Telling people who want to be single that their life will have more meaning in a relationship and that it's sad that they're not is just patronising.



I'm in my current relationship because I want to be in this relationship. I do not, however, want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I've seen too many unhappy people who have settled in fear of being alone, or getting judged for being single. My point is that single is not the worst thing in the world. If someone wants to be in a relationship, then that is perfectly okay. If someone wants to be single, that is also perfectly okay. It's not "sad" or "unnecessary". It doesn't mean their life is awful, or lacks meaning.

Chris_5339762 wrote: »

I don't really want kids, but would keep that to myself UP TO A POINT as it would scare a lot of ladies off.

I'm in my mid 30s, single, but could do with some company or someone to travel with. It does just seem to me though that everyone I see just happens to bump into someone they like and hey-presto, its a relationship and they're happy. I was a late starter and have a depressing litany of short relationships, none of which are very fulfulling and end up with me getting fed up or her dumping me out of the blue. I keep thinking that I know of no-one else that has worse luck than I do with women.

Now I'm sure some of it is my fault, but it just seems that the whole "meeting someone" thing is simply so easy for others, but its something that I have never managed to be any good at. Theres only so much failure one person can take... can't just get over it and pick yourself up to try again, ad infinitum.

Until what point? It's extremely unethical to string women along if they want kids, especially if they're around your age. I had 18 months of my time wasted dating someone who only admitted that he never wanted kids or marriage during a fight we had at the end of the relationship. So many men just don't seem to understand how truly awful this behaviour is. Literally robbing a woman of her chance to have kids because they think if they admit it, nobody will sleep with them/date them. How selfish is that? These were prime years for me (age 31-32) to be dating with the intention of settling down, and this clown wasted my time knowing that it would never, ever work out because he had no intention of having a family. That was precious time I could have spent dating someone who did want the same things. You're not entitled to female company or relationships. If you want to prioritise travelling and so on (and there's nothing wrong with that), then either seek out childfree women or accept that you might have to fly solo.

It's so weird how women are always blamed for not having kids, when in my experience, 95+% of the time, it's men who are the ones to cause this to happen. Most of the single women I know in their thirties were strung along and then dumped at 32-35, right at the time they'd have been looking at starting a family. At the worst possible age to have to start all over again. A lot of men just don't seem to be able to get it into their heads that this is really, really awful behaviour. If you're in a long-term relationship that you know in your heart isn't going to work out and that you're just together out of convenience or familiarity, then end it while you're still in your twenties. Don't wait until she's 33 and expecting to get engaged and start a family soon and then decide you don't want kids/don't want them with her/want to travel around the world/need to be single for a while.

Speaking from experience, finding your other half is one thing, but holding on to them is quite another.....also, finding your other half later in life can be beneficial as you're less likely to break up! There again, you could fall in love at 20 and stay together for life.

It's written in the stars . . .

Redsky121 wrote: »

Who blames women for not having kids?

Everyone. Women are always made out to be the ones who 'choose' not to have kids or 'put it off' until it's too late. Rarely a mention of all the men in their thirties who don't want to commit, but will happily date women and string them along for as long as it suits them. This is an epidemic.

Who knows who'd be "good husband material" at 23 or 24? And what man would know that their 23 year old girlfriend is actually "good wife material" at the same age? Everybody changes massively as a person during their twenties.

You could absolutely pick a guy that you get on with, seems responsible, says they want to start a family in their thirties, looks like the settling down type and you'd run exactly the same risk of them turning around to you at 31/32/33 and saying "actually, I've changed my mind, that's not what I want after all".

Your twenties are a time to figure out who you are, what you want from a relationship and what you don't want.

How about when you meet someone who seems like the right guy in your late twenties/early thirties, and you're both honest with each other right from the start about whether you want to get married and are, or are not, partial to having kids. And I mean, second date early, not a year in early. Then everyone knows where they stand.

SusieBlue wrote: »

I did that at 22 with a man who claimed to have similar goals and found myself single at 27. It unfortunately didn't work out.
That doesn't mean I didn't try hard enough to have a family or that I didn't take responsibility for my own happiness. I tried to be proactive and it didn't go in my favour.

Women do not wake up at 30 and have an epiphany that having children is suddenly their life goal.
These women always wanted children, they usually end up alone at that age because the relationship(s) they were in throughout their 20's didn't work out.
Not because they were sitting on their arses waiting for prince charming to break in their bedroom window.

Exactly. This is the same for almost every woman I know over 30 who doesn't have kids but wants them. It seems to very common these days for men to turn around at 32ish and decide that the woman they've spent the last decade with isn't wife material. Perhaps because they put it off too long? Maybe in previous generations, the marriage and kids would have happened far earlier, during the honeymoon stage before it all went stale. Now you can end up getting to that familar/mundane stage before any of that has even happened.

Redsky121 wrote: »

Women are the ones who have the bigger constraint on when they can have kids so therefore it'z more likely they will leave it too late.

This is not a case of women leaving it too late. You claimed in your previous post that women should be looking for husband material in their early twenties. When it was pointed out that most men do not want to get married in their early twenties you said they should go for someone four or five years older. Guess what? A lot of men in their late twenties and early thirties won’t commit to having kids either.

No article I’ve ever read ever says ‘couples are leaving it late to start having children’ like children are solely women’s responsibility, even at the conception.

And as for your comment about knowing men that have had children in their early 20s. I don’t have any statistics to back it up but the vast majority of men I know that had children in their early 20s were unmarried and the children were not planned. Some of these relationships work out and some do not. But for the women who does want to have children within a stable relationship the number of men who want that in their twenties at all is few and far between.

Research from Lancet Child & Adolescent Health Journal has stated that you're still a teen into your mid-20's, 24 to be exact. That's going to skew a lot of 'teen pregnancy' facts if so. Anyway, going by that research, people are settling down, getting married and having kids while still not 'mature'. Seems crazy. Back in the day, our parents got married and had kids young because there was nothing else to do and condoms were illegal/immoral. Now, we know better.