What do I do??

LegacyUser · 01-07-2019 11:47PM #1

Hi all,
I’m 29 F and I have a massive crush on a male coworker.
We’ve talked and the body language is good but the interactions are sporadic as we are in different departments but when we have interacted, there’s lots of eye contact, smiles and i do feel he likes me too. He’s usually a confident, charismatic man but our last interaction, he seemed scattered when talking to me and started talking gibberish!?

However, he hasn’t made any moves or asked me out or even asked me personal questions (we work in such a busy environment there’s really no time to stand around and chat).
I do feel drawn to him and there is chemistry when I’m with him.
But I’m so frustrated because i am a firm believer that if a man wants to be with you, he’ll pursue you and make it happen...and this man is a go-getter!
So on one hand I feel like there’s a chemistry there but on the other, I doubt he’s into me because he hasn’t asked me out or gone out of his way....
I have to confess I have gone out of my way and turned up at his department on an “errand” and I went to a work party all dolled up and ready to flirt.....he didn’t turn up.

What do I do? I’m really into him.. I’ve never felt this strongly about any man in my life!

Tokyo · 02-07-2019 05:19AM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

But I’m so frustrated because i am a firm believer that if a man wants to be with you, he’ll pursue you and make it happen...and this man is a go-getter!

Eh, not so much in this day and age. It's quite possible that he is being friendly to you on a professional basis and nothing more, but if you want a definitive answer, the simple solution is to ask him out. It doesn't have to be dinner and roses, a simple "do you want to grab a drink after work sometime" should give you a fair idea. IF he gives you a polite refusal, then you know where you stand, and if he agrees, then it opens the door to the potential of something more.

Dtp1979 · 02-07-2019 06:51AM

Yea seriously, it’s not 1962. Ask him out

Xterminator · 02-07-2019 11:40AM

hi op

i am a firm believer that if a man wants to be with you, he’ll pursue you and make it happen

were you a firm believer in santa and the easter bunny too ? Are you now?

Im sure you would love him to pursue you. But there could be many reasons why he has not.

It could be he doesn't want a relationship with you.
It could be he is unwilling to make the 1st move because of the whole toxic masculinity thing making some people feel that they cannot make a move or risk disapprobation.
He may not like dating work colleagues.
He could be shy under a brave confidant exterior.

The only way you can find out is to ask him out for a date. if he turns you down, you have your answer.

Don't be a passenger in your life, be the driver.

Kidchameleon · 02-07-2019 11:58AM

Woman up and ask him out

LegacyUser · 02-07-2019 12:56PM

Thanks guys.
I don’t have a lot of experience with men 😂

Kidchameleon · 02-07-2019 01:23PM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

Thanks guys.
I don’t have a lot of experience with men 😂

We dont bite

Just go for it. From the little information we have, it sounds like he is quite shy so it looks like it will have to be yourself to take the plunge. At worst he will say no and life will go on as before. Good luck.

ManOfMystery · 03-07-2019 10:20AM

People who seem very confident professionally can still be shy or lack confidence in a personal capacity. They can also have strict values about keeping business and pleasure separate.

The perception of chemistry may also be entirely one-sided. We don't know, but there's only one way to find out.

Don't assume that he's not potentially interested just because he hasn't asked you out already. You say you're both very busy and it's a fairly hectic workplace - that could be a good opener, why not start a conversation about how busy it is and would he like to go for a drink later in the week to de-stress and relax a bit? Keep it lighthearted and casual and then gauge how things go, if you're not feeling it's heading anywhere then there's no embarrassment - it's just two colleagues going for a drink. If you feel things are headed somewhere then you can up the ante.

Neyite · 03-07-2019 02:14PM

Did you check he's single? I'd probably do that before asking him out if it were me.

LegacyUser · 03-07-2019 06:11PM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

I have to confess I have gone out of my way and turned up at his department on an “errand” and I went to a work party all dolled up and ready to flirt.....he didn’t turn up.

What do I do? I’m really into him.. I’ve never felt this strongly about any man in my life!

Had you mentioned to him you were going to the party. Does he usually go to work events?

LegacyUser · 03-07-2019 10:09PM

Op

I would be similar to this co-worker. Would come across as confident in work. Would be well respected in my profession and really like my job. As a result I can be confident in work as I really know what I'm talking about but outside I am quite shy, in particular with girls

There's a number of reasons he could be attracted but hasn't gone for it. Not all men are confident even when interested, in particular when it's a work scenario

LegacyUser · 03-07-2019 11:22PM

Hi guys.
Thanks for your replies.. I hear what your saying.
I don’t wanna make a mess of this or make anything awkward.
Maybe a casual coffee would be the way to go..

03-07-2019 11:28PM

Yeah, A lot of people could be iffy about asking someone out in work too..

Purple Mountain · 04-07-2019 12:59AM

I'd do some background research on him first.
Can you discreetly find out from coworkers / social media if he's single, available etc?
Any mutual coworkers you could confide in to get any feelers on him from?

bigpink · 04-07-2019 01:10AM

Sounds like he likes you but isn’t single

Xterminator · 04-07-2019 10:09AM

Hi Op

i think asking him out alone for a casual coffee is a good opener. It is direct enough to say to him you are open to getting to know him better and puts the ball in his court. Even if he declines, or it doesn't go well, you can continue on as before as work colleagues so its a small chance to take in the scheme of things.

Good luck!

LegacyUser · 12-07-2019 10:08PM

Hi guys.
So nothing has happened since my last post.
There has been little interaction between us in the last month and I’m still struggling to pluck up the courage when I see him.
Recently I’ve also realised he hasn’t made an effort to stop and have a proper conversation with me or ask me anything about myself. I know we are busy but surely if the feeling was mutual he would make an effort to talk to me more.
I feel like rubbish cause I just can’t stop thinking about him. Afraid I’d embarrass myself tbh.

redfox123 · 13-07-2019 08:21PM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

Hi guys.
So nothing has happened since my last post.
There has been little interaction between us in the last month and I’m still struggling to pluck up the courage when I see him.
Recently I’ve also realised he hasn’t made an effort to stop and have a proper conversation with me or ask me anything about myself. I know we are busy but surely if the feeling was mutual he would make an effort to talk to me more.
I feel like rubbish cause I just can’t stop thinking about him. Afraid I’d embarrass myself tbh.

I'm willing to bet he is not single. Or he may be at least seeing someone and doesn't want to get involved in someone else. You haven't answered any of the replies asking if he is or if you've asked anyone he knows or looked him up online to see.
Is that not the most important thing to know before asking someone out or developing feelings for them?

13-07-2019 08:30PM

Yeah, I presume you have stalked him a bit on the book of faces?

But yeah, some people might be reluctant to mix romance and work too..

LegacyUser · 13-07-2019 08:44PM

redfox123 wrote: »

You haven't answered any of the replies asking if he is or if you've asked anyone he knows

Gotten different answers from different sources. its a real mystery..

Irish_rat · 13-07-2019 10:17PM

A bit of flirting might get his attention, Talk about something different than work like what's he's doing for the weekend etc. He could be very shy but shows face in a professional environment.

I'd say make sure he's single before you do anything!

TimeToShine · 14-07-2019 10:53PM

Sorry but all these assumptions that he's single are based on nonsense. With all the media stuff nowadays about men and the #metoo movement I wouldn't be surprised if he (and many others) have decided that work is work and there is nothing to be gained and everything to lose from mixing business with pleasure.

JustAThought · 15-07-2019 12:14AM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

Hi guys.
So nothing has happened since my last post.
There has been little interaction between us in the last month and I’m still struggling to pluck up the courage when I see him.
Recently I’ve also realised he hasn’t made an effort to stop and have a proper conversation with me or ask me anything about myself. I know we are busy but surely if the feeling was mutual he would make an effort to talk to me more.
I feel like rubbish cause I just can’t stop thinking about him. Afraid I’d embarrass myself tbh.

Stop. Sadly - He isn't into you. This is work not the pub. Everyone has a lot to lose in this - particularly him as a male in work - where fingers are pointed first. You said originally that he has never discussed anything personal with you and more recently that he has no time to stop and chat. Now this. Don't make him have to have one of those awful cringe inducing work conversations about not crossing the line and let it go. Stop flirting with him - he is a colleague and he needs the job not a work mess. Let him be. He is telling you without telling you.

LegacyUser · 15-07-2019 10:58AM

JustAThought wrote: »

Stop. Sadly - He isn't into you. This is work not the pub. Everyone has a lot to lose in this - particularly him as a male in work - where fingers are pointed first. You said originally that he has never discussed anything personal with you and more recently that he has no time to stop and chat. Now this. Don't make him have to have one of those awful cringe inducing work conversations about not crossing the line and let it go. Stop flirting with him - he is a colleague and he needs the job not a work mess. Let him be. He is telling you without telling you.

Yup I agree. That’s what has stopped me in the first place. Actions speak louder than words and if he liked me, he’d make an effort to talk to me.
Moving on

15-07-2019 12:16PM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

Yup I agree. That’s what has stopped me in the first place. Actions speak louder than words and if he liked me, he’d make an effort to talk to me.
Moving on

This is not necessarily true.. speaking as someone who has a crush on someone in work, but who also has anxiety, because of which I can't talk to her..

LegacyUser · 15-07-2019 04:07PM

Deleted User wrote: »

This is not necessarily true.. speaking as someone who has a crush on someone in work, but who also has anxiety, because of which I can't talk to her..

Well I can tell you from my POV it’s very frustrating and my thoughts don’t go to “oh he’s shy”, I speaking as a woman think “he’s not into me”.

LegacyUser · 15-07-2019 07:09PM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

Well I can tell you from my POV it’s very frustrating and my thoughts don’t go to “oh he’s shy”, I speaking as a woman think “he’s not into me”.

He may or may not be interested.

But trust me, sometimes men are shy and/or lack confidence (I'm one of those men). Loads of others have said the same.

It's a case of one of

1) he's not interested
2) he is interested but doesn't think work romance is a good idea
3) he is interested but hasn't the confidence to make a move.

If it's 1 (or 2) then you're snookered but if it's 3 it could be up to you. I really don't understand how we see so many threads on here along the lines of "if he was interested he'd have made a move" to be told that's not necessarily the case yet the girl then says she couldn't possibly be the one to make the first move

If you are really interested then maybe get chatting and suggest something like lunch or a tea/coffee (he'll know what your intentions are but phrase it in a way that you can back away from without embarrassment). Most men will be flattered even if taken/not interested and should give either a yes or a very diplomatic no.

qwerty13 · 15-07-2019 11:41PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

Yup I agree. That’s what has stopped me in the first place. Actions speak louder than words and if he liked me, he’d make an effort to talk to me.
Moving on

This is not necessarily true.. speaking as someone who has a crush on someone in work, but who also has anxiety, because of which I can't talk to her..

I really don’t think that’s fair. Sure, he might not single / might not be into you - but the previous poster described it very well; he may not be comfortable making a move. But yet you’re laying all that at his door - and you seem completely unprepared to make a move yourself.

qwerty13 · 15-07-2019 11:45PM

Can’t seem to edit my previous post to add that you are criticising him and writing him off, over something that you won’t do yourself. This seems quite hypocritical

LegacyUser · 16-07-2019 08:17AM

qwerty13 wrote: »

Can’t seem to edit my previous post to add that you are criticising him and writing him off, over something that you won’t do yourself. This seems quite hypocritical

No. If he was going out of his way to make time for me to chat (about anything at all) THEN I would have more to go on and make a move/suggest coffee etc.
But the fact he is not makes me believe he is not that into me in the first place.
That’s what I meant. Sorry if that was not clear.

Irish_rat · 16-07-2019 10:13PM

Romancegirl28 wrote: »

No. If he was going out of his way to make time for me to chat (about anything at all) THEN I would have more to go on and make a move/suggest coffee etc.
But the fact he is not makes me believe he is not that into me in the first place.
That’s what I meant. Sorry if that was not clear.

Well you took a lot of time out to make a complete thread about it, life's too short to wonder what if. Why not try suggesting a drink and see what happens.

What do I do??

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