Choking

LegacyUser · 05-06-2019 9:36pm #1

This is a legitimate question, not a troll.

Relatively new partner has 'introduced' choking into our sex life. Hasn't pushed it or been insistent about it. I'm thinking wtf? I'm a bit put off by it. I don't know am I being a prude or not as I haven't experienced it at all before.
I've had multiple previous sexual partners and a couple of long term relationships. Only added this bit as I think its relevant in so far as I've never experienced it from anyone before and would like someone else's perspective..

Dtp1979 · 05-06-2019 11:46pm

Each to their own n all that. I don’t think it’s that uncommon. If you don’t enjoy it, or it’s not your thing, don’t do it. It’s that simple.

Fann Linn · 05-06-2019 11:47pm

Be careful.

leggo · 06-06-2019 12:42am

You say 'introduced' and that he wasn't pushy or insistent. But it also sounds like you're not into it. So did he ask for consent or just go for it and you didn't stop him?

There's nothing wrong with the act tbh. Different strokes for different folks and, if two people are into it, go for it. But, especially when it comes to roughness or violence, conversations need to be had beforehand about what both are into and limits.

JustAThought · 06-06-2019 12:53am

Tbh that is not normal. Control freak or psychopath comes to mind. Get rid of him.

Plumbthedepths · 06-06-2019 12:57am

Don't do anything you don't want to, or anything that makes your uncomfortable.

Exclamation Marc · 06-06-2019 12:59am

If you're put off by it, nip it in the bud and let them know you don't like it and no longer want to do it. Your body your rules.

I've heard people are into it and it's a common porn trope, not my thing but each to their own once everybody's up for it.

ShamNNspace · 06-06-2019 1:13am

Get rid.. Thin end of the wedge.. You won't be compatible sexually in the long run imo

hedzball · 06-06-2019 1:33am

JustAThought wrote: »

Tbh that is not normal. Control freak or psychopath comes to mind. Get rid of him.

My other half likes a bit of choking. She was the one who brought it up tbh.

Saying to get rid of someone for something that is just introduced is a bit much.

Sit down.
Discuss what you're into.
Lay down rules.

Easy

ILoveYourVibes · 06-06-2019 5:37am

Does he want you to choke him or for him to choke you?

Or does it matter so long as someone is choking someone?

osarusan · 06-06-2019 7:36am

Some people are into that.

The real question is what happens after you say you are not interested in it or comfortable with it. Do they accept that, or continue to 'introduce' it?

ted1 · 06-06-2019 8:19am

If you are not into it. Then just say no to it. If you are not comfortable saying no , then perhaps you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him

Xterminator · 06-06-2019 9:27am

I think some of the poster recommending you run away might have some of their own emotional baggage coloring their advice.

I wouldn't have though it was a bad thing that your partner shared something they would like to try as part of your sex life. It would be a terrible world if no-one could ask their partner to try anything other than the missionary position in fear of them labeling them a deviant and walking out!!

you said

" I'm a bit put off by it."

Now if that mean you are considering the request and unsure, that's understandable. My advice would be why not try it gently and see if you like it. Make sure he is gentle and experiment.

If you mean you have tried it with him and were out off because you don't like it, then my advice would be, to tell him your not into it, and that its not something your are willing to experiment further with. Because if it makes you uncomfortable, then that is reason enough.

baby and crumble · 06-06-2019 9:31am

There are actually solid physiological reason why airflow restriction heightens sensation for many people - so I wouldn't say it's completely crazy and dangerous to be into it. Likewise, some people like power dynamics during sex, nothing wrong with that either, so long as in all cases, everyone's on the same page. You need to know what the boundaries and hard lines are and be firm about yours.

B0jangles · 06-06-2019 9:53am

Are you taking about hands round the throat choking? I thought that that was potentially extremely dangerous - like causing sudden cardiac arrest-level dangerous?

I think there are masks and so on that people can use to create the same effect without putting the pressure on the neck which is so risky, but given that you aren't even particularly into it, it seems more than a bit much to expect you to risk death just to fulfill this guy's fantasy.

edit: article on the topic: https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/dan-savage-love-breath-play-choking-kink/Content?oid=33151336

"It's impossible to control for all the variables," said Mistress Matisse, a professional dominatrix with more than 20 years of experience. "People think choking isn't kinky, but it is. People think it's a low-risk activity, but it's not. Choking isn't just about the lungs. It can affect the brain and the heart—it can affect the whole body—and if the bottom has underlying health issues, things can go disastrously wrong. I feel strongly about this."

tony1kenobi · 06-06-2019 10:29am

Is she asking you to choke her or does she want to choke you?

LegacyUser · 06-06-2019 12:10pm

For us to choke each other. I've asked about the amount of pressure to be applied as I've no experience in it and I'm worried about applying too much. I would "get a feel of it" apparently. I didn't, so asked to be guided. They did and it didn't feel like it was that much pressure. On the other hand I've been told about someone else who left bruising on them. The amount of choking pressure I was shown to apply would not leave a mark so I'm a bit confused as to how much they actually want.
I'm not entirely sure what puts me off about it. I just don't get it I guess but I don't want my partner feeling as if they're missing out on something. It's something I've initiated a couple of times recently and they've stopped it.
I think a lot of it could do with hearing about exes, which I really don't like. I know it's none of my business what went on before me but it does make me jealous having to hear about various sex stories. So I guess I'm just not sure if it's something I don't actually like or if it's jealousy and anger at someone leaving a mark on my partner.

Wabbit Ears · 06-06-2019 2:54pm

Im not into it but an ex-GF loved it, As in she asked me to to do it to her.

Porn has led to a massive increase in guys thinking its 'normal' as opposed to a kink that needs to be discussed and agreed.

baby and crumble · 06-06-2019 3:02pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Porn has led to a massive increase in guys thinking its 'normal' as opposed to a kink that needs to be discussed and agreed.

i think that's happened in a lot of cases. it's good in one way in that it normalizes sex interests that aren't just "missionary, job done" but it does run that risk of making people feel they need to be ok with whatever.

Neyite · 06-06-2019 3:37pm

Firstly, if you aren't into it, it's ok to say so.

Secondly, using it in a kink way has to be done properly.

It's surprisingly easy and quick to choke someone to unconsciousness or even death. I think the stats (not googling it at work) are roughly 2-3 seconds of pressure on the carotid artery can cause loss of conciousness, about 10 seconds of manual strangulation on the neck to cause loss of conciousness, and brain injury and death can occur in under 5 minutes of pressure. In a situation where you or he might have drink on board or may be too preoccupied with nearing orgasm to keep note of literally seconds of safe play is a bit risky. That kind of risk when you don't even get anything out of it really isn't worth it.

It's fine to share fantasies. Any healthy couple will. But it's also fine and healthy for one person to say "that's not for me" and for that thing to never to be part of your sex life with the other person.

Wabbit Ears · 06-06-2019 4:03pm

Should also mention that there are quite a few 'how to' guides on intimate Choking online. Dont ever assume that the person doing the choking knows what they are doing!! The reciever (male or female) needs to be able to know if the person doing the choking is doing it right.

To put it another way, how to correctly choke for sexual reasons is not the same as defensive/aggressive choking that you'd have in an abusive manner. That is dangerous.

osarusan · 06-06-2019 6:03pm

vive wrote: »

It's something I've initiated a couple of times recently and they've stopped it.

Maybe they only want it to happen if you really want it too, and they sense you don't, so it isn't right for them either.

That's a good sign in my book.

wiggle16 · 06-06-2019 7:15pm

You're not a prude at all, and it's okay not to be okay with something your partner might want to do.

It wouldn't be for me either. I suppose one thing to point out is that you really need to know what you're doing if you're going to do this. Putting someone in a choke-hold or sleeper hold will knock them out within a few seconds, as the brain goes into hypoxia extremely rapidly. The same effect can be acheived with a very small amount of pressure on one or both carotid arteries. The pleasure some people get from choking is from the constriction of the airways but this can also put pressure on the blood vessels in your throat and neck.

The thing is that the carotid arteries are not in the same place in every person, their positions can vary. The left one varies more than the right but you could easily apply pressure on the artery and still think you are applying it elsewhere.

You seem to be between two minds about it... either way you'll decide yourself whether or not you're into it in the end. Just something to be aware of, I suppose.

zapper55 · 06-06-2019 7:27pm

You are also well within your rights to say that you dont want to hear about sex stories with their ex. God that's unreal, I'd find it disrespectful, not at all discreet, and like I was being compared.

Do you feel comfortable telling your partner when you are not comfortable with something?

tara73 · 06-06-2019 7:54pm

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a partner who likes this. I find it scary and off putting. What's the pleasure he gets from it, did you ask him? It seems you didn't discuss it very much, you just accepted to do what he likes.

Is it the sensation he gets from the constriction of the airways or is it the power he has over you? If it's the latter I find it even more concerning.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2019 8:00pm

zapper55 wrote: »

You are also well within your rights to say that you dont want to hear about sex stories with their ex. God that's unreal, I'd find it disrespectful, not at all discreet, and like I was being compared.

Do you feel comfortable telling your partner when you are not comfortable with something?

You see they have no issue at all about hearing anything from the past so, I guess, assumed I didn't mind either. This all happened at the beginning and to be fair I haven't
heard anything like it since those first few weeks. The thing is that now I know all of this information about them and sometimes drive myself a bit crazy thinking about it, people they slept with, what they did together, names, how many, who they were etc. One particular person is a bit high profile so sometimes see them on various news reports and I'm like 'ugh another name, another face' kind of thing. I realise that everyone has past relationships and that's fair enough. My issue is the level of detail. It's caused no end of trouble between us but apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have.

There is no issue with telling them what I am comfortable with or not.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2019 8:10pm

osarusan wrote: »

Maybe they only want it to happen if you really want it too, and they sense you don't, so it isn't right for them either.

That's a good sign in my book.

I've asked why they stopped me doing it was told that its not something that was a major part of their sex lives before and that it didn't happen every time so its not that important. If its something they enjoy though then I don't want them to feel like they're missing out on something. I just find it a bit odd and don't get anything out of it but it's not something I'm unwilling to do..

Ursus Horribilis · 06-06-2019 11:33pm

Are you sure this relationship is for you? Not just the choking thing but your comments about the ex and that ".. apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have."

I've seen choking in porn (admittedly, that might not be the best classroom for such things) and I would certainly not want anyone to do that to me. I make no apologies for it either. I'm no prude but someone putting their hands near my neck like that is a red line. I'd like to think that our sex life had enough other good stuff going on without having to go there. Not wanting to know about your partner's past sex life with an ex is perfectly normal too. There are people who can handle it and that's fine. The ones who don't want to know have an equally valid point of view. Does this relationship make you feel comfortable and respected? Or do you have the nagging feeling that you need to do more to keep your partner happy?

Qrt · 07-06-2019 4:21pm

Mild choking is fun, like really REALLY fun, but obviously each to their own. If you’re uncomfortable, then speak up. Don’t just go along with something you don’t enjoy.

Scarinae · 07-06-2019 6:38pm

vive wrote: »

I realise that everyone has past relationships and that's fair enough. My issue is the level of detail. It's caused no end of trouble between us but apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have.

I have no advice on the choking question, but just wanted to respond to this. If you’re uncomfortable with the level of detail then he should respect that, it doesn’t matter what his previous girlfriends thought about it! Why does he feel the need to keep talking about this stuff?

I went out with a guy who was always talking about his exes, and there was one in particular who (in retrospect) he clearly wasn’t over. I told him so many times that I didn’t want to hear anything more about his sex life with her and I’d get responses like “You just have a problem with me having a past!” and “Nobody else has ever had a problem with this!”

Now I have a fiancé who has had sex with a lot of people before me but doesn’t get misty eyed recalling the times they ****ed. I have wondered if my ex is now telling new partners about me – but that’s outside of my control.

lawred2 · 07-06-2019 6:40pm

My wife likes it and encourages it the odd time

I wouldn't have just started choking her though... She invited me to do it.

Choking

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