Choking

LegacyUser

This is a legitimate question, not a troll.

Relatively new partner has 'introduced' choking into our sex life. Hasn't pushed it or been insistent about it. I'm thinking wtf? I'm a bit put off by it. I don't know am I being a prude or not as I haven't experienced it at all before.
I've had multiple previous sexual partners and a couple of long term relationships. Only added this bit as I think its relevant in so far as I've never experienced it from anyone before and would like someone else's perspective..

Dtp1979

Each to their own n all that. I don’t think it’s that uncommon. If you don’t enjoy it, or it’s not your thing, don’t do it. It’s that simple.

Fann Linn

Be careful.

leggo

You say 'introduced' and that he wasn't pushy or insistent. But it also sounds like you're not into it. So did he ask for consent or just go for it and you didn't stop him?

There's nothing wrong with the act tbh. Different strokes for different folks and, if two people are into it, go for it. But, especially when it comes to roughness or violence, conversations need to be had beforehand about what both are into and limits.

JustAThought

Tbh that is not normal. Control freak or psychopath comes to mind. Get rid of him.

Plumbthedepths

Don't do anything you don't want to, or anything that makes your uncomfortable.

Exclamation Marc

If you're put off by it, nip it in the bud and let them know you don't like it and no longer want to do it. Your body your rules.

I've heard people are into it and it's a common porn trope, not my thing but each to their own once everybody's up for it.

ShamNNspace

Get rid.. Thin end of the wedge.. You won't be compatible sexually in the long run imo

hedzball

JustAThought wrote: »

Tbh that is not normal. Control freak or psychopath comes to mind. Get rid of him.

My other half likes a bit of choking. She was the one who brought it up tbh.

Saying to get rid of someone for something that is just introduced is a bit much.

Sit down.
Discuss what you're into.
Lay down rules.

Easy

ILoveYourVibes

Does he want you to choke him or for him to choke you?



Or does it matter so long as someone is choking someone?

osarusan

Some people are into that.

The real question is what happens after you say you are not interested in it or comfortable with it. Do they accept that, or continue to 'introduce' it?

ted1

If you are not into it. Then just say no to it. If you are not comfortable saying no , then perhaps you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him

Xterminator

I think some of the poster recommending you run away might have some of their own emotional baggage coloring their advice.

I wouldn't have though it was a bad thing that your partner shared something they would like to try as part of your sex life. It would be a terrible world if no-one could ask their partner to try anything other than the missionary position in fear of them labeling them a deviant and walking out!!

you said

" I'm a bit put off by it."

Now if that mean you are considering the request and unsure, that's understandable. My advice would be why not try it gently and see if you like it. Make sure he is gentle and experiment.

If you mean you have tried it with him and were out off because you don't like it, then my advice would be, to tell him your not into it, and that its not something your are willing to experiment further with. Because if it makes you uncomfortable, then that is reason enough.

baby and crumble

There are actually solid physiological reason why airflow restriction heightens sensation for many people - so I wouldn't say it's completely crazy and dangerous to be into it. Likewise, some people like power dynamics during sex, nothing wrong with that either, so long as in all cases, everyone's on the same page. You need to know what the boundaries and hard lines are and be firm about yours.

B0jangles

Are you taking about hands round the throat choking? I thought that that was potentially extremely dangerous - like causing sudden cardiac arrest-level dangerous?

I think there are masks and so on that people can use to create the same effect without putting the pressure on the neck which is so risky, but given that you aren't even particularly into it, it seems more than a bit much to expect you to risk death just to fulfill this guy's fantasy.

edit: article on the topic: https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/dan-savage-love-breath-play-choking-kink/Content?oid=33151336

"It's impossible to control for all the variables," said Mistress Matisse, a professional dominatrix with more than 20 years of experience. "People think choking isn't kinky, but it is. People think it's a low-risk activity, but it's not. Choking isn't just about the lungs. It can affect the brain and the heart—it can affect the whole body—and if the bottom has underlying health issues, things can go disastrously wrong. I feel strongly about this."

tony1kenobi

Is she asking you to choke her or does she want to choke you?

LegacyUser

For us to choke each other. I've asked about the amount of pressure to be applied as I've no experience in it and I'm worried about applying too much. I would "get a feel of it" apparently. I didn't, so asked to be guided. They did and it didn't feel like it was that much pressure. On the other hand I've been told about someone else who left bruising on them. The amount of choking pressure I was shown to apply would not leave a mark so I'm a bit confused as to how much they actually want.
I'm not entirely sure what puts me off about it. I just don't get it I guess but I don't want my partner feeling as if they're missing out on something. It's something I've initiated a couple of times recently and they've stopped it.
I think a lot of it could do with hearing about exes, which I really don't like. I know it's none of my business what went on before me but it does make me jealous having to hear about various sex stories. So I guess I'm just not sure if it's something I don't actually like or if it's jealousy and anger at someone leaving a mark on my partner.

Wabbit Ears

Im not into it but an ex-GF loved it, As in she asked me to to do it to her.

Porn has led to a massive increase in guys thinking its 'normal' as opposed to a kink that needs to be discussed and agreed.

baby and crumble

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Porn has led to a massive increase in guys thinking its 'normal' as opposed to a kink that needs to be discussed and agreed.

i think that's happened in a lot of cases. it's good in one way in that it normalizes sex interests that aren't just "missionary, job done" but it does run that risk of making people feel they need to be ok with whatever.

Neyite

Firstly, if you aren't into it, it's ok to say so.

Secondly, using it in a kink way has to be done properly.

It's surprisingly easy and quick to choke someone to unconsciousness or even death. I think the stats (not googling it at work) are roughly 2-3 seconds of pressure on the carotid artery can cause loss of conciousness, about 10 seconds of manual strangulation on the neck to cause loss of conciousness, and brain injury and death can occur in under 5 minutes of pressure. In a situation where you or he might have drink on board or may be too preoccupied with nearing orgasm to keep note of literally seconds of safe play is a bit risky. That kind of risk when you don't even get anything out of it really isn't worth it.

It's fine to share fantasies. Any healthy couple will. But it's also fine and healthy for one person to say "that's not for me" and for that thing to never to be part of your sex life with the other person.

Wabbit Ears

Should also mention that there are quite a few 'how to' guides on intimate Choking online. Dont ever assume that the person doing the choking knows what they are doing!! The reciever (male or female) needs to be able to know if the person doing the choking is doing it right.

To put it another way, how to correctly choke for sexual reasons is not the same as defensive/aggressive choking that you'd have in an abusive manner. That is dangerous.

osarusan

vive wrote: »

It's something I've initiated a couple of times recently and they've stopped it.

Maybe they only want it to happen if you really want it too, and they sense you don't, so it isn't right for them either.


That's a good sign in my book.

wiggle16

You're not a prude at all, and it's okay not to be okay with something your partner might want to do.

It wouldn't be for me either. I suppose one thing to point out is that you really need to know what you're doing if you're going to do this. Putting someone in a choke-hold or sleeper hold will knock them out within a few seconds, as the brain goes into hypoxia extremely rapidly. The same effect can be acheived with a very small amount of pressure on one or both carotid arteries. The pleasure some people get from choking is from the constriction of the airways but this can also put pressure on the blood vessels in your throat and neck.

The thing is that the carotid arteries are not in the same place in every person, their positions can vary. The left one varies more than the right but you could easily apply pressure on the artery and still think you are applying it elsewhere.

You seem to be between two minds about it... either way you'll decide yourself whether or not you're into it in the end. Just something to be aware of, I suppose.

zapper55

You are also well within your rights to say that you dont want to hear about sex stories with their ex. God that's unreal, I'd find it disrespectful, not at all discreet, and like I was being compared.

Do you feel comfortable telling your partner when you are not comfortable with something?

tara73

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a partner who likes this. I find it scary and off putting. What's the pleasure he gets from it, did you ask him? It seems you didn't discuss it very much, you just accepted to do what he likes.

Is it the sensation he gets from the constriction of the airways or is it the power he has over you? If it's the latter I find it even more concerning.

LegacyUser

zapper55 wrote: »

You are also well within your rights to say that you dont want to hear about sex stories with their ex. God that's unreal, I'd find it disrespectful, not at all discreet, and like I was being compared.

Do you feel comfortable telling your partner when you are not comfortable with something?

You see they have no issue at all about hearing anything from the past so, I guess, assumed I didn't mind either. This all happened at the beginning and to be fair I haven't
heard anything like it since those first few weeks. The thing is that now I know all of this information about them and sometimes drive myself a bit crazy thinking about it, people they slept with, what they did together, names, how many, who they were etc. One particular person is a bit high profile so sometimes see them on various news reports and I'm like 'ugh another name, another face' kind of thing. I realise that everyone has past relationships and that's fair enough. My issue is the level of detail. It's caused no end of trouble between us but apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have.

There is no issue with telling them what I am comfortable with or not.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

Maybe they only want it to happen if you really want it too, and they sense you don't, so it isn't right for them either.


That's a good sign in my book.

I've asked why they stopped me doing it was told that its not something that was a major part of their sex lives before and that it didn't happen every time so its not that important. If its something they enjoy though then I don't want them to feel like they're missing out on something. I just find it a bit odd and don't get anything out of it but it's not something I'm unwilling to do..

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure this relationship is for you? Not just the choking thing but your comments about the ex and that ".. apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have."

I've seen choking in porn (admittedly, that might not be the best classroom for such things) and I would certainly not want anyone to do that to me. I make no apologies for it either. I'm no prude but someone putting their hands near my neck like that is a red line. I'd like to think that our sex life had enough other good stuff going on without having to go there. Not wanting to know about your partner's past sex life with an ex is perfectly normal too. There are people who can handle it and that's fine. The ones who don't want to know have an equally valid point of view. Does this relationship make you feel comfortable and respected? Or do you have the nagging feeling that you need to do more to keep your partner happy?

Qrt

Mild choking is fun, like really REALLY fun, but obviously each to their own. If you’re uncomfortable, then speak up. Don’t just go along with something you don’t enjoy.

Scarinae

vive wrote: »

I realise that everyone has past relationships and that's fair enough. My issue is the level of detail. It's caused no end of trouble between us but apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have.

I have no advice on the choking question, but just wanted to respond to this. If you’re uncomfortable with the level of detail then he should respect that, it doesn’t matter what his previous girlfriends thought about it! Why does he feel the need to keep talking about this stuff?

I went out with a guy who was always talking about his exes, and there was one in particular who (in retrospect) he clearly wasn’t over. I told him so many times that I didn’t want to hear anything more about his sex life with her and I’d get responses like “You just have a problem with me having a past!” and “Nobody else has ever had a problem with this!”

Now I have a fiancé who has had sex with a lot of people before me but doesn’t get misty eyed recalling the times they ****ed. I have wondered if my ex is now telling new partners about me – but that’s outside of my control.

lawred2

My wife likes it and encourages it the odd time

I wouldn't have just started choking her though... She invited me to do it.

seannash

tara73 wrote: »

I wouldn't feel comfortable with a partner who likes this. I find it scary and off putting. What's the pleasure he gets from it, did you ask him? It seems you didn't discuss it very much, you just accepted to do what he likes.

Is it the sensation he gets from the constriction of the airways or is it the power he has over you? If it's the latter I find it even more concerning.

It's very very common, some people particularly like it when they are close to climax.
As for the asking, well sex with a new partner is an exploration. It would be very very boring to stop and check about every single thing instead of going along with what feels right to both people.
Obviously if someone says no or stop then that what has to happen but how do people know what they like if they don't try it.
I've done it on partners, I don't get anything out of it other than they get enjoyment out of it so I do it for their pleasure.
How do you know if someone likes some spanking during sex? A few light tips and gauge the reaction? It's the same with this, you don't just start choking, you place you hand on their neck to begin with and see if it's encouraged or not.

Road-Hog

The name graham Dwyer comes to mind when reading about this kind of stuff....

SaltSweatSugar

Road-Hog wrote: »

The name graham Dwyer comes to mind when reading about this kind of stuff....

Why? Not everyone who is into it is a murderer.

leggo

Scarinae wrote: »

I have no advice on the choking question, but just wanted to respond to this. If you’re uncomfortable with the level of detail then he should respect that, it doesn’t matter what his previous girlfriends thought about it! Why does he feel the need to keep talking about this stuff?

I went out with a guy who was always talking about his exes, and there was one in particular who (in retrospect) he clearly wasn’t over. I told him so many times that I didn’t want to hear anything more about his sex life with her and I’d get responses like “You just have a problem with me having a past!” and “Nobody else has ever had a problem with this!”

Now I have a fiancé who has had sex with a lot of people before me but doesn’t get misty eyed recalling the times they ****ed. I have wondered if my ex is now telling new partners about me – but that’s outside of my control.

Yeah I'd pretty much agree with all of this. There's a certain scope for talking about your past, I like to learn the general gist because it gives you a sense for who they are (off-topic pro tip: always ask how they broke up with people, that tends to be a routine people stick to!) But talking about sex is a no-no. You can't do it with anyone without getting some kind of an image, and it's not nice to think of your partner with someone else, simple as. I remember an ex and I could chat comfortably like best friends and this stuff would come up because we'd just chat with all filters off, but eventually we drew a line because it upset both of us after the fact.

It's not normal to do so and he's gaslighting you there or needs to learn what normal is, and on top of that it's disrespectful if he continues to do so once you've said it bothers you.

tara73

seannash wrote: »

It's very very common, some people particularly like it when they are close to climax.
As for the asking, well sex with a new partner is an exploration. It would be very very boring to stop and check about every single thing instead of going along with what feels right to both people.
Obviously if someone says no or stop then that what has to happen but how do people know what they like if they don't try it.
I've done it on partners, I don't get anything out of it other than they get enjoyment out of it so I do it for their pleasure.
How do you know if someone likes some spanking during sex? A few light tips and gauge the reaction? It's the same with this, you don't just start choking, you place you hand on their neck to begin with and see if it's encouraged or not.

no, no, triple no. how about asking the person beforehand, getting their agreement, i.e. not getting their agreement? that's how it should be handled, not testing it without asking first!

OP, I get the impression you're not stable with what you want or can accept for yourself. And I have the impression your partner senses this and is the respectless type, imposing stuff on you without looking for consent. first the detailing reports about his past sex life. I mean, wtf? did he asked you beforehand whether you are comfortable with hearing it or whether you are intereted in it? obviously not. he just blurted it out?

now the sex/choking story which he quite frankly imposed on you without consent.

honestly, I don't think there's much more to ananlyse, I think this person is a dodgy one and I would get rid. but when people advise you in this direction you make excuses. so I'm asking myself what do you want to get from this thread? listen to the advice or making excuses whenever somebody questions the actions of your partner?

Red Lightning

A number of women have told me they like getting choked. I'm not into it but I'd happily do it for them as long as I didn't really hurt them.
If a guy is saying that he wants to choke a woman then it would raise a few red flags.
Difference in someone saying they like to be choked and wanting to choke someone.

Qrt

Red Lightning wrote: »

A number of women has told me they like getting choked. I'm not into it but I'd happily do it for them as long as I didn't really hurt them.
If a guy is saying that he wants to choke a woman then it would raise a few red flags.
Difference in someone saying they like to be choked and wanting to choke someone.

True, I’m looking at it through an MSM perspective. Very different dynamics re: sex

seannash

I realised I haven't responded to the op.
Chances are he isn't into it but might be thinking he is introducing you to something new or that you might be into it.
Have a chat and see. I'd be willing to be he's not the sexual deviant some are among him out to be

wiggle16

Mod note:

Not all men are rapists [...]
Stop virtue signalling

Enough of this.

The OP posted here looking for advice about an issue - this is not an opportunity to manufacture an argument or discussion about consent.

A number of off-topic posts and the replies to those posts have been deleted as they offered nothing to the OP - you should either have advice for and addressed to the OP, or you shouldn't post at all.

Thanks.

SaltSweatSugar

OP you’re not being a prude. A lot of people wouldn’t be into choking. If you don’t like it you need to be completely honest with your partner, as it’s something that can actually seriously physically harm you. But if you do want to try it or anything else, it’s very important to have a discussion about boundaries and limits beforehand.

As someone else said, there are genuine physiological reasons why people enjoy it, but it really depends on the person. For me I’ve only ever done some very very light pressure with one person, who I cared deeply about and trusted completely with my safety. His sheer size and strength was one of his physical traits I found most attractive about him. I have a rather authoritative and domineering job, so it’s a turn on for me to take a bit of a more submissive role sometimes (not always). But again, it would seriously depend on the relationship and the person. And if they weren’t into it, I wouldn’t push it.

I’d also be a bit peeved if a partner went into great detail about their past sex lives with past partners. Everyone has a past sure but there’s no real need to go into that much detail.

Emme

OP if you don't like don't do it. If he insists and you don't want it then walk.

If you both like it then educate yourselves on it to make sure you're doing it properly and safely.

Neyite

vive wrote: »

I think a lot of it could do with hearing about exes, which I really don't like. I know it's none of my business what went on before me but it does make me jealous having to hear about various sex stories. So I guess I'm just not sure if it's something I don't actually like or if it's jealousy and anger at someone leaving a mark on my partner.

This to me is disrespectful of them. What happens between a couple is private to them. When you are no longer in that couple, in my opinion, you should stfu about details. The only ex of mine that did this was someone who was always trying to push boundaries in that area, I think he was trying to create a competitive thing where I would do something because he said his ex did it. Didn't work but it felt pressurised regardless.



If they are stoking jealousy or telling you stuff you've told them you don't want to listen to then they are ignoring your feelings - and nice partners don't do that. Why are they telling you all this when they know you don't want to hear it? What's their motivation? To upset you or make you insecure or to make you feel you have to do X because their ex did? None of those are nice behaviours from someone who is supposed to care about you.

ILoveYourVibes

vive wrote: »

You see they have no issue at all about hearing anything from the past so, I guess, assumed I didn't mind either. This all happened at the beginning and to be fair I haven't
heard anything like it since those first few weeks. The thing is that now I know all of this information about them and sometimes drive myself a bit crazy thinking about it, people they slept with, what they did together, names, how many, who they were etc. One particular person is a bit high profile so sometimes see them on various news reports and I'm like 'ugh another name, another face' kind of thing. I realise that everyone has past relationships and that's fair enough. My issue is the level of detail. It's caused no end of trouble between us but apparently they've often discussed this sort of stuff in previous relationships and no one has ever reacted the way I have.

There is no issue with telling them what I am comfortable with or not.

Sounds like this is really coming between you two guys.

Dog Man Star

No, not a hope.

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.

Rosepetals85

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.[/quote]



That’s abit extreme getting rid of him. All she has to say is sorry not into that. As a women myself, I enjoy a hand around my neck.

blarb

You're not a prude OP. If it's something that doesn't interest you or that you feel uncomfortable with that is fair enough.

I think all the immediate "get rid" posts are a bit of an overreaction, as long as you are not being coerced into doing something you don't like, and as long as you feel respected by your partner.

I'll admit an ex's hand was grabbing me close to my neck before and I liked it (I'm a woman if it makes any difference), but was too shy to see if he was up for exploring it a bit

But I wouldn't judge a partner for not wanting to do it, each to their own!

SaltSweatSugar

Dog Man Star wrote: »

No, not a hope.

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.

You’re not into it, that’s fine. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Women aren’t fragile little flowers that just want hugs. I’m a woman, and while I love cuddles and hugs and tenderness, I also love a good hard fu(k.

The OP has every right to be put off by it, or not. It’s an individual thing and hopefully her partner will respect her feelings and wishes. And if he doesn’t, maybe then she might need to reassess the relationship.

Hal3000

Dog Man Star wrote: »

No, not a hope.

Get rid soon as. Nothing good will ever come from a man who wants to 'choke' a woman for sexual gratification.

I'm sure you would prefer a hug. Ditch him now.

Why would someone get off on choking another person? Power trip? Lack of authority? Low self esteem? Absloute nutcase perhaps?

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe they just like the frisson of danger or being dominated? Who knows? People have all sorts of quirks and if being choked to a greater or lesser extent is their bag, that's fine. Just like there are people who like anal, threesomes, bondage etc. We don't know the half of what goes on in bedrooms around the country.

From the OP's point of view, I get the impression that this is about more than just the choking though. And that's why I asked the question about whether this is the right relationship for them. They shouldn't have to be listening to what their partner did with their exes and being told that they're wrong to have an issue with it. Perhaps our OP and their partner are not as compatible as they think.

Edit: I'm writing the above as someone who would freak if anybody went near my neck for anything other than an auld nuzzle . I can't even cope with clothing, hairdressers gowns etc. being too close to my neck and enclosing it. It's just the way I am and that's why choking is a red line for me as an individual. But I wouldn't go down the route of suggesting that the person doing the choking is the next Graham Dwyer. We need nuance here. It's a preference and perfectly fine between consenting adults.

Rosepetals85

Hal3000 wrote: »

Why would someone get off on choking another person? Power trip? Lack of authority? Low self esteem? Absloute nutcase perhaps?

Some people like to be dominated in bed. Low self esteem - hardly, I’m far from a nutcase. I just don’t like run of the mill, mundane sex.