Broke up with the GF - Devastated

bucketybuck · 02-05-2019 08:52PM

Its like a case study in why people in your situation should end all contact, delete all numbers, block all social media...

How can you not see this? And now you are waiting about for more texts so that you can mind**** yourself all over again?

You were in a burning car heading straight for a cliff. You managed to get out of it. Now you have your thumb out trying to hitch a lift in that same burning car. Giving you a good shake doesn't seem like strong enough words.

witchgirl26 · 02-05-2019 10:52PM

OP an ex is an ex for a reason and unless that reason has completely gone, then they should remain an ex. I don't think 4 months is enough time for that to happen in any scenario.

Ursus Horribilis is right - it's not right that you're both playing games with each other with the texting, not replying lark. That's not the restart of a relationship that will be healthy in the long run. If you were both really willing to change and compromise and make it work, it would be phonecalls and proper communication.

wiggle16 · 02-05-2019 11:00PM

witchgirl26 wrote: »

OP an ex is an ex for a reason and unless that reason has completely gone, then they should remain an ex.

This is an excellent way to put it and you need to listen to this, OP, 100%.

PHG · 03-05-2019 08:41AM

Again thanks for the replies.

I am quite worried now seeing these, for my own sake. She did text yesterday asking why I wanted to meet. I told her she knows why. Anyway, she says this has all made her very edgy and messing with her head (that was not my intention).

I stated that if we cannot meet this weekend and sort out our differences that the tooing and froing is done. That the time and distance has gone on long enough and that both of us need to move on either way after this weekend. She again stated that she needs to get her head around all of this and will get back to me (but is available at the time). I did not beg, plead or grovel and have made it crystal clear that I do not want to date, see how it will pan out etc. and not waiting any longer to chat and see. She is aware that if she doesn't meet I am done and will walk away, I have no choice but to mean it and follow through for my own emotional and mental health!

I know meeting is likely not the best decision. But I have promised my family that this weekend is it either way. I trust a promise I make to them more than I make to myself hence why I did it. I am not saying if we meet that even means we are back together either but will see how i feel if we meet

Ursus Horribilis · 03-05-2019 08:46AM

Jesus, why oh why are you still going through with this? You sound like a recovering alcoholic who decides that they need to have one more drink despite being on the dry for months.

You are giving her all the power here but that's not surprising. You've been pandering to her for years and allowed her to have this power over you. And now you're walking right back into this with your eyes open.

Your DO NOT have to meet with her because you're in London. That talk of promises is horse manure and you know it. You just can't stay away from her, despite all the warning signs. Honestly, it's professional help you need at this stage, not an audition with your ex.

The two of you couldn't make your relationship work when you were living it. She's an ex for a reason.

punisher5112 · 03-05-2019 08:57AM

Op seriously you would be best deleting this thread as it's as much use as a chocolate engine as you are actually sounding extremely immature, needy and desperate.

No wonder she is having thoughts....

You need to say look this is the end, best of luck in life and move on....

Ursus Horribilis · 03-05-2019 09:00AM

True. And despite supposedly engaging with this thread, you've not taken one piece of advice on board. Your family must be beside themselves with worry.

LolaJJ · 03-05-2019 09:26AM

Hey OP,

Genuinely sad to read your updates.

Breakups are rotten. All of a sudden there is this massive hole in your life. Even if that space was previously filled with angst, frustration and negativity previously - it's a gaping hole and there is a natural urge to want to fill it. This is why so many people have weird rebound relationships that are stupidly intense or get back with ex's over and over again.

The reason break ups are rotten, is because in order to get past the"filling the void" phase - you have to tolerate it. The feelings you are having about her are completely and utterly driven by an urge to stop the hurt. I can promise you that.

What you are failing to realise is that you are also being given an opportunity to work on yourself, continue to make the great progress you have, widen your social circle and make that void smaller and smaller, ultimately opening yourself up to the opportunity to meet someone better suited for you.

Filling the void by resuming an unhealthy relationship is a very temporary and miserable way to delay the inevitable which believe me, is inevitable.

Having been in your situation and made all of these mistakes myself I would love to be able to read and take on this advice, but I'm sure it was given to me and it fell on deaf ears.

All I will say is that the feelings you have of missing her, losing her and being hurt by her blocking you are not some romantic awakening that you are destined to be together, they are indications that you have a void you need to fill and you would be best placed not to fill it with a toxic mass.

Her grandmother story, whether it's geneuine or fake - saying she needed your support but chose to honor your request for no-contact is gas-lighting.

My advice, would be to send her a text saying you need time to yourself, you feel you have both exhausted the relationship and the ad-hoc contact you have been having is setting you both back and you both deserve to move on from this with a clean break. I would ask her respectfully to delete and block your number and all social channels and you will do the same. When you are not able to check in on eachother you will find the healing process a lot easier

Best of luck x

LegacyUser · 03-05-2019 09:39AM

Is it simply an addiction to drama& attention.
Love shouldn't be this complicated & hard.
Absolutely no point posting on here if you're going to go out if your way to ignore the advice/ try to prove the naysayers wrong.
Off you go now to kick start the whole drama again. Don't try to plead surprise or ask for sympathy when it all backfires on you, as is inevitable.
I'm out of this now. At least *try* to live your best life, for your own sake

PHG · 03-05-2019 09:55AM

I sent this thread to my parents, brother and close family (well I did after my last reply).

Parents, brother and one of the cousins have come back and said "see", we told you. I am with my cousins this weekend in London and parents have made me promise not to meet her or contact again. I am just processing it (call from Mam mainly) and will block her.

I cannot say it is easy, it is hurting like crazy. I don't understand how others said I have the measure of her too? My main problem in life is that I am an overthinker (as you all probably can guess) and have a mad memory retention (not bragging, my family always slag me over this). It is great for work but can be a curse in real life, particularly with this issue.

I used to have to get counselling years ago for Panic Attacks and contacted my counsellor on Wednesday out of coincidence. I have set up some phone sessions (and 2 face to face when in Dublin over the next few months) and a general dialogue for the coming months.

Lola is right, I don't feel lonely anymore but I am not completely happy in myself or comfortable with being single. I put so much effort to building myself when I was unwell and became really comfortable on my own. The thoughts of doing a similar process all over again are daunting to say the least!

My friends are telling me to get back out there and go on the pull. That is not my style, never was! I know I am young but still feel old. I am still going ahead with the plan of moving back to London to be near my family but need to realise, that while my confidence is low it will eventually build up and I will get back on the horse.

I will post again on Monday for hopefully a decent update of everything

punisher5112 · 03-05-2019 10:01AM

Update to what.....

Are you actually going to see her or follow advice???

PHG · 03-05-2019 10:04AM

I am not going to see her and follow the advice. I just meant in general .

I am tempted to give my phone to my cousin when i get to his tonight and tell him keep it until Saturday afternoon.

Ursus Horribilis · 03-05-2019 10:09AM

That sounds like a good idea. I don't think you'll be able to stay away once you're in London.

Tacklebox · 03-05-2019 10:13AM

Hi OP I'm 43 and did go back to different exes and knew in my gut it was the wrong thing to do, but I followed my head.

I had to endure a lot of pain.

Im in an odd place, with humility im saying supposedly im an extremely good looking man, used to be clean cut, stylish and very passive.

I changed my outlook had a good look at myself and had a lot of soul searching and writing to do to figure out what makes me so vulnerable and needy.

So a few years ago I ditched my character defects and short comings.

Threw out the clean cut me which was a mask anyhow, went less materialistic and needy and found myself.

Grew a beard, started working out and said fck it I always loved tattoos and body art so sure you can see what way im going with this.

I don't have much interest in dating for the foreseeable future.

The irony now is im content, rugged and glowing.

Now the pendulum swung back, a lot of women are interested in me and im so content in myself and busy I'm catching up with life and all I missed out on when I was needy, and disconnected to myself.

I love women but at the moment I just enjoy being single and keeping intrigued and flirtation as well as temptation at arms length.

Its great to be free from it all.

A good woman doesn't need a guy who's needy miserable and overly passive like I was...

I wish you happiness and contentment....

LolaJJ · 03-05-2019 10:25AM

It sounds like you are really trying to do the righy thing OP but you are so deeply buried in the forest you can't possibly distinguish the wood from the trees.

If you do give things another go - you will both be the same people, unable to compromise and ultimately you will most likley find yourself in this position again.

Going out and pulling isn't likely to help, be true to yourself and just go with that. One day at a time.

Remember - when you are in a good relationship with the right person, it's easy....it works, you don't have to navigate through all this craziness.

The fact that your friends and family (people that you know for certain have your best interests at heart) are also trying to pull you away from this situation speaks volumes.

Whatever your course of action, best of luck

wiggle16 · 03-05-2019 10:59AM

PHG wrote: »

I am not going to see her and follow the advice. I just meant in general .

I am tempted to give my phone to my cousin when i get to his tonight and tell him keep it until Saturday afternoon.

Yes, I think you should do this. If I were you I would consider changing my number also, when you get back home. To be honest, you should also ask the cousin to delete any messages from her that come in between now and then. You don't seem to be able to resist replying to her.

You have a very supportive family and you're comfortable enough to be able to talk to them about your private life - a lot of people aren't. You are very lucky in that regard and you need to listen to them.

Don't meet her.

PHG · 07-05-2019 09:28AM

Hi,

Couldn't update yesterday as was just too up the walls and flew back late.

I blocked her as said but just as I got to my cousins my phone rang. I answered and it was her (I forgot to block incoming calls). She said she was ringing to say she was not able to meet. That I have hurt her too much and that she can never get over the hurt and pain I have caused her and that I f**ked up bad. That she cannot see herself in a relationship with me or anyone else again.

She then went on to say how I hurt her over the nearly 4 years and repeat them. I told her it was both of us that caused pain but she kept saying I forced her to move her as I said we would break up if she didn’t (I did say that I didn't want to be apart and long distance would fizzle out and what is the point). She said the compromises I previously said above were all her previous ideas (Not true, she said 1 bed and for me to commute every week!!). That she has now settled and rekindled all her old friendships and made so many new great friends and loves her new job.

I told her I am not her punching bag, apologized for breaking up but that she cannot keep throwing the same stuff at me over and over again for the last 6 months. She kept saying I don't want to marry her cause she said my brother said it to her when they were drunk, he denies this and he said I am nervous about marriage (I was) and that she has to let me come to time. She said my friends and family were too involved in our relationship (they never got involved) because one of my friends blocked her on Instagram and said why would she get involved like this??? Her friends did block me and she had no reason to get involved in our relationship, as blocking her is getting involved in it!!

When I say this, she always goes that she believes I wanted to marry her but left it too long and should have done it in Iceland 2 years ago (this was repeated a few times). That she just cannot get over how someone could say that too her and that I never put her first or as a priority. Then she said she has everything etc. but broke down then and said I have shattered her dreams. That the only dream she ever wanted was a family and that I have ruined this for her and now she does not know where her future lies. That I laughed about marriage and kids and that it should not take 4 years to get to that step! That the man she is with should adore her from day 1 and know how lucky he is. That I talked too much like a lad’s lad around my mates and shouldn’t be a lad’s lad. That she didn’t like the attention I got from women in bars. I am not the best looker I just chat away to bar people when ordering, I do not flirt or go around talking to random women in bars. That she wanted London for our family and to work there so she could support the family too. I asked do you still want kids with me, she said no as I have messed it up too much!

She went into a rant then about we should have stopped using all contraception 2 years ago and just see what happens cause with her fertility issues, if it was meant to be it would just happen. This got me going wtf and I shut it down. She said let’s meet to say goodbye, I said no!

She then accuses me of being a different person because I now use social media and have changed from who she thought I was and not the person she fell for. She told me she wants me to suffer too! I told her goodbye and best of luck then went through anything I could think of where we follow each other, linkedin, spotify etc. Deleted her families numbers and block block block.

On a positive note I had a great weekend at my cousin’s birthday. Was all mad and I even scored on Saturday night, very unexpected! So now driving on. What a head melt though, is not easy but I will be ok. Thanks for all the help, what a f**king rollercoaSter though.

PHG

John Hutton · 07-05-2019 10:05AM

PHG wrote: »

<snip>

Well done lad. Wasn't sure you had it in you!

This is as definitive a line under things you will ever get, so move on with your life.

You'll meet someone who isn't a headmelt!

ManOfMystery · 07-05-2019 10:21AM

PHG wrote: »

Hi,

Couldn't update yesterday as was just too up the walls and flew back late.

PHG

Well, she certainly decided to go out with a bang instead of a whimper.

I really, REALLY hope that the unhinged, delusional, self-obsessed, "me-me-me" meltdown she just went through was the final nail on the coffin for this relationship, as far as you're concerned.

It was ample proof that she's not interested in who you are, or what you want. She is suffering from a very severe case of Princess syndrome and in her head she has a fantasy life which will be granted to her, and it's obvious now that she simply wanted to mould you into the guy who would facilitate that (where you work, where you live, how you behave, etc). If it wasn't you, it would simple be someone else - and probably will be once she moves on.

You've really dodged a bullet here.

Call me Al · 07-05-2019 10:22AM

Oh dear lord the drama. And she's still playing games. No wonder your family are tired of her.
She really comes across as extremely immature and self-centred.
I think you're right, you're better off cutting contact. But you really need to be honest with yourself as to what you're thinking and where your emotions are at, because I don't think you have been until now.
If you're going to block numbers do it properly, or don't cut contact and keep yourself on that hamster wheel that you're currently on with her, because this is a taster of what life will be like with her if you get back with her.
What a head melt!

PHG · 07-05-2019 11:10AM

As warned by previous posters (and I really didn't think it would be the case until now) she would likely trap me for a baby and only want me to get her pregnant and not be together for us first and foremost. I still believe she is a decent person just all up in the air atm and do hope she will be eventually happy.

I don't like the way she hates me for the life I am living now and how great she says it is (I said this was the life we would be living) and how we couldn't live it in Dublin. And I will always believe I should have been more bothered about us when we were together as I did get bored and not interested. This is something I need to take on board to a future relationship with my next partner.

She said on Friday she is now saving for a flat on her own but will take years. i said I was too. She asked me where and again had a pop cause I may be able to afford to live inside London in better areas than her. She said she never will be able to live that close to London and may need to get gifted from her parents but she is moving on with her life on her own.

I have blocked SMS's asking not to block her and that maybe in time she could get over this but she doesn't know either. Deleted!

Ursus Horribilis · 07-05-2019 11:44AM

Well, if these aren't nails in the coffin I don't know what are. Maybe she had good qualities but she has a very nasty side to her. Trapping someone with a surprise pregnancy is one of the lowest things anybody can do. And I notice she's very good at blaming everybody else for her problems. There's not a lot of self reflection in what she's saying or a recognition that some of the blame lies with her. Her attitude stinks, to be honest. I think you'll start to recognise that more as time goes on.

Besides, trying to rekindle a relationship with someone who has built up that amount of anger and resentment towards the man she supposedly loves was never going to work. The bitterness and anger she holds towards you is way out of proportion. How could you ever be happy? You dodged a bullet here and I think you will come to see that once you accept that this is properly over. It's not for nothing that your own family wanted to see this come to an end. They want you to be happy and they must have seen a lot of things you couldn't.

PHG · 07-05-2019 11:55AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Well, if these aren't nails in the coffin I don't know what are. Maybe she had good qualities but she has a very nasty side to her. Trapping someone with a surprise pregnancy is one of the lowest things anybody can do. And I notice she's very good at blaming everybody else for her problems. There's not a lot of self reflection in what she's saying or a recognition that some of the blame lies with her. Her attitude stinks, to be honest. I think you'll start to recognise that more as time goes on.

just for my own head, is what i stated above about contraception trapping someone into a surprise pregnancy? She only said once that she did stuff wrong but never could say what it was.

It will take a while to fully accept tbh but will get there

Ursus Horribilis · 07-05-2019 12:03PM

Not quite but I'm picking up that inference from it. There's something about her desperation for a baby that makes me think she'd have done something like that. And is more likely to now, more than ever.

LegacyUser · 07-05-2019 12:10PM

PHG wrote: »

just for my own head, is what i stated above about contraception trapping someone into a surprise pregnancy? She only said once that she did stuff wrong but never could say what it was.

It will take a while to fully accept tbh but will get there

If she had come off her contraception without saying it to you in the hopes of getting pregnant, then yes, that is trying to trap someone. If you're in a long term relationship you discuss contraceptives together and how you are both protected from unwanted pregnancies. Deciding to get pregnant must be a joint decision.

And that she's asking you not to block her just in case??? I'd be changing my number, never mind blocking her.

Keep her blocked on everything, for years if not forever. She'll boomerang back otherwise. And you can do without that.

Really glad to read you didn't meet. It sounds like you're building a great life for yourself. Hold out for a woman who can compliment that new life.

Mr. Incognito · 07-05-2019 01:11PM

Change your number

There's some 120% crazy in there.

cannotlogin · 07-05-2019 07:43PM

Bloody hell, she has my head wrecked and I'm going only by your posts!

You'll have to go along way to find a woman as vindicative and dramatic as she is......anyone else will be an upgrade.

While you shouldn't have to change your number, think maybe you should if it doesn't cause you too much hassle as it just eliminates all further contact. You can let anyone you need to know the new number.

Be thankful that you are young and that there are no kids involved (planned or unplanned). You've had a lucky escape.

You are now free to enjoy your life so do just that.

I think most of us have one messed up relationship behind us that teaches us so much, what our boundaries are, what's important to us and what we just won't put up with etc. Yours is behind you now so look forward to the next one instead.

wiggle16 · 07-05-2019 11:22PM

She's rewriting history to suit herself and to make herself the victim in the situation. Again, very similar to the girl I mentioned in my last post. She can't accept responsibility for anything that's happened, she will not learn from it because in her universe (of which she is the undisputed centre) she is completely right and when things don't go her way, it's not because her expectations are unrealistic or because of her own actions, it's the fault of other people, of things she can't control. And she needed to say this to you because it reinforces it for herself. All the things she said to you that didn't happen, are all the things she will say to the next guy she gets her paws on when she talks about you. Just like she has with her mates who blocked you.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I would put good money on it that you heard similar narratives about her previous exes, if she had any, where they f*cked her over and messed her around, but she managed to pull herself together and move on, forgiven-not-forgotten etc.

It has the double effect of getting under your skin because she already knows what buttons to push with you to make you react to her, because she's a particular type of classic manipulator - she really believes her own hype, which makes it impossible to argue with her to the contrary. You can't get your head around some of the things she's saying because you know they are patently untrue. And if you were still in a relationship with her it would be a form of gaslighting, ultimately.

That's why her life is SO great now, but when she tells you about it she still frames it as if you should have something to feel bad about, like that she is getting her life together and saving for a flat, and she's SO happy... but it will take so much longer to save up than if you had to, and you could afford to live in a much nicer place than her. It has to be your fault somehow, and even when it's not, you should still feel guilty about it. Because if it wasn't for you, she would have all the things she wanted, because she put her life on hold for you, made sacrifices, compromises, was forced to do things because she loved you... you can see where this is going, can't you?

You'll never get the better of a person like this in an argument. It is easier for her to live with "your" bad decisions and blame you than live with her own and take the blame, and nothing on this Earth will change that. I hope you're seeing that now!!!

Regards the pregnancy/entrapment thing, look, it's hypothetical obviously. But for people like her, the ends justify the means no matter what the means are, and like others I suspect that given the opportunity she would be true to type and you could easily find yourself in my friend's situation. And then she says that you both should have thrown caution to the wind years ago and just have stopped using contraception. She is textbook. It also makes me have some doubts about her fertility issues, to be honest. But again, it's hypothetical. Just be glad you don't have a baby on the way with her.

Keep her blocked. Do NOT snoop. And if she does contact you again, just remind yourself that every word you say to her is a footstep back in the wrong direction, and delete it.

You will move on, and you will see her for what she is in time. And I don't want to get off topic, but OP, a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. Forget about your ex. Focus on your mam. I'm certain she will be relieved to hear that your ex is out of the picture and that you are in a good place in your life in all other respects, and that can only do her good.
Your ex is a time-sink, don't waste another calorie of energy on her.

Good luck X

PARlance · 08-05-2019 08:20AM

What I would give to hear the other side of this story!

You broke up, you got back in contact saying that you loved her. You wanted to meet up but you wouldn't explain what the meeting was all about and then you impose an imaginary deadline for her to reply by. You go anyway.

I wouldn't say car crash, more a head-on collision.

PHG · 08-05-2019 08:46AM

PARlance wrote: »

What I would give to hear the other side of this story!

You broke up, you got back in contact saying that you loved her. You wanted to meet up but you wouldn't explain what the meeting was all about and then you impose an imaginary deadline for her to reply by. You go anyway.

I wouldn't say car crash, more a head-on collision.

Fair point. As said I was not supportive enough at times and did stop caring. There are many times we should have gone out to the cinema, or a walk or something and I said no as I was too much wrapped up in my own world of saving for the mortgage, gym or being tired when I should have sucked it up and I do feel a lot of guilt over this.

I had told her I got in contact to see if we could talk it out and work it out. She said in the phone call that she can never get over the heartbreak I caused her and that she could never trust me or love me like she used to (which is understandable). That I have ruined her dreams. I cannot dispute this and I apologised for this many times. I had told her 2 weeks in advance the reason that I wanted to meet, yet I still get a text 2 days beforehand asking why do I want to meet. This confused me big time. I said it in black and white many times over the 2 times we were in contact.

She said I was only in London to meet my family and it would be different if it was to only meet her and in her view it was killing 2 birds with one stone. That I had been in London a few times since and if I wanted to meet I would have one of those times and even though I don't do Valentines, the right thing would have been to send her flowers for it. She told me she nearly came over here and landed on my doorstep to reconcile a good few times but didn't as I had asked for no contact and respecting my wishes. TBH that was heartbreaking to hear on Friday evening (and I nearly broke down) and made me think why can it not be different now as it is only a few weeks.

Fair enough it was more of an ultimatum from me than anything, as was moving here and maybe I should have listened more to her needs of moving of staying in London and we do long distance for 18months and maybe I should have gone in with the approach of trying a slow burner but who knows now, it's done.

But yes, I still at times feel like I f**ked up and f**ked her over and currently cannot forgive myself for causing her that pain and that I may have missed out on the one. As the posters above have said, hopefully I can come to see this in a different light.

Broke up with the GF - Devastated

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