Ready to get married

LegacyUser · 02-05-2019 12:09PM

....... wrote: »

Why do you have to wait to get married after getting a house?

What I mean is, if I WAIT FOR HIM to propose after we have the house sorted. Others have suggested that he might think that the house is a big enough commitment for now and will propose afterwards. But I don't think it's wise to wait that long given our age. Even if we have a very small ceremony/celebration, it will still take time to get everything booked/organised. I think it make more sense to organise a house and wedding around the same time. Then we'll have everything sorted to start trying to have kids without waiting longer than necessary.

....... wrote: »

All the other timelines have flexibility - your fertility doesnt.

I am WELL aware of this and don't need any further scaremongering please. I am realist and this is a part of the reason I want to get things moving without waiting too long.

I anticipate it being very very difficult to bring this up without pressuring him though and sounding like I just want to use him as a sperm donor before it's too late :P (obviously that's not the case!!) Honestly I've always been on the fence about having kids. I'm not a baby person at all, but I do like children and we both decided that ideally we would like to try for a family. If that doesn't happen I can live with it, but I don't want it not to happen just because we left it too late.

So how do I talk about without it sounding like "GAH, my biological clock is ticking, we need to start having babies before it's too late, so we better get a house and marriage certificate sorted NOOOOOOW"... I feel this may freak him out a little bit :P

....... · 02-05-2019 12:33PM

GettingImpatient wrote: »

I am WELL aware of this and don't need any further scaremongering please. I am realist and this is a part of the reason I want to get things moving without waiting too long.

You need to lose the mindset that dealing with reality is scaremongering. Its not going to help you.

GettingImpatient wrote: »

So how do I talk about without it sounding like "GAH, my biological clock is ticking, we need to start having babies before it's too late, so we better get a house and marriage certificate sorted NOOOOOOW"... I feel this may freak him out a little bit :P

I think you should talk about it with exactly the above urgency - because it is an urgent matter!!

I mean, if you wait, and if it turns out that he DOESNT follow through on a proposal, or having kids - then you will find yourself in your late 30s and there are no more chances for children.

If it freaks him out so be it - but better for him to understand the reality of the situation?

Is it that you are worried he will scarper if you tell him you have to get cracking on the babies ASAP?

Because from an objective point of view - thats just you playing Waitey Katey when you dont have time to be waiting around.

Why must it be on HIS time scale rather than yours?

zedhead · 02-05-2019 01:01PM

GettingImpatient wrote: »

I am WELL aware of this and don't need any further scaremongering please. I am realist and this is a part of the reason I want to get things moving without waiting too long.

I anticipate it being very very difficult to bring this up without pressuring him though and sounding like I just want to use him as a sperm donor before it's too late :P (obviously that's not the case!!) Honestly I've always been on the fence about having kids. I'm not a baby person at all, but I do like children and we both decided that ideally we would like to try for a family. If that doesn't happen I can live with it, but I don't want it not to happen just because we left it too late.

So how do I talk about without it sounding like "GAH, my biological clock is ticking, we need to start having babies before it's too late, so we better get a house and marriage certificate sorted NOOOOOOW"... I feel this may freak him out a little bit :P

You seem really hung up on the idea that talking about the future automatically means pressuring him. Why does he get to decide everything? Maybe he is waiting for you to provide some input?

For me it just felt totally normal and nature to discuss these things with my partner. If anything about the future came out to discuss it in a bigger picture kind of thing. Like when we started talking about saving for a house, we had to discuss what type of deposit we would need and what sort of time frame each of us felt would be realistic to be in a position to buy (based on saving ability and income etc). That led onto general timelines and rough shape of what the future would look like.

When kids come up in coversation in general, how does that conversation go? Have you ever asked him what time he had thought you might consider starting to try. How does that fit into the house plans - then is the perfect point to mention that its important for you to be married first and that maybe you could discuss moving up the timelines due to biology etc.

You need to look at all these decisions as joint decisions if you are serious about building a life together. You are leaving it all on him to decide the timeline of your life because you are afraid of being seen to pressure him.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2019 04:36PM

OP sorry if this sounds harsh but to me you're coming across as quite insecure in your relationship. Is this how you feel? Why do you feel the need to be married before having children?
I'm in a similar situation to you although I'm 35. We've discussed trying for a baby and purchasing a house in about a year. Marriage doesn't really come in to this decision because I feel secure in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I would love to marry him, but I don't see it as the big deal that you do.
You say you marriage is a sign of officially starting your lives together and him showing his commitment but after 4 years id have thought this should be the case anyway.

zapper55 · 02-05-2019 05:23PM

OP I think you do need tod ask him where he sees this going again, sounds like he's too easy going for timelines to occur to him.

....... wrote: »

You need to lose the mindset that dealing with reality is scaremongering. Its not going to help you

Thats a patronising thing to say.

By the way the percentage of women who become pregnant within a year is approximately:

20 to 24: 47 per cent
25 to 29: 45 per cent
30 to 34: 41 per cent
35 to 39: 34 per cent
40 to 44: 20 per cent
over 45: 4 per cent

Saying that fertility falls off a cliff after 35 is scaremongering. I know many women that have gotten pregnant without fertility treatment after 35.

I'm saying this not so much for the OPs benefit, who seems to realise the above, but more from other women reading it.

02-05-2019 07:18PM

I think the issue with starting to try for a baby when older (over 35) is that you have less time for fertility treatment to be successful if it’s needed. That’s what I’d be more worried about. There’s a big difference between a 30 year old that’s been trying for 3 years needing IVF compared to a 37 year old that’s been trying for 3 years needing IVF.

Now, you more than likely will be fine and not need fertility treatment, OP. But I know a lot of people that had trouble conceiving and wish they started younger so that’s why we started trying in our 20’s rather than getting married or buying a house. You can buy a house and get married whenever pretty much. The same can’t be said for getting pregnant.

....... · 03-05-2019 09:18AM

zapper55 wrote: »

By the way the percentage of women who become pregnant within a year is approximately:

20 to 24: 47 per cent
25 to 29: 45 per cent
30 to 34: 41 per cent
35 to 39: 34 per cent
40 to 44: 20 per cent
over 45: 4 per cent

Saying that fertility falls off a cliff after 35 is scaremongering. I know many women that have gotten pregnant without fertility treatment after 35.

Can you provide a source for these stats please - are these the percentages for women who get pregnant for the FIRST time?

Many women do get pregnant after 35, but its much harder, and for the first time, its harder again.

The OP has never been pregnant. So her odds are lower than a woman who has been.

The chances of miscarriage also rise with age.

witchgirl26 · 03-05-2019 11:05AM

OP honestly you just need to bite the bullet and have the discussion with your partner that you'd like to be married before having kids. It's not easy but hey if you've been together 4 years, while it may start awkward, you should be able to be honest.

I had that chat with my OH. We were in the process of buying a house together and while I knew he loved me and saw a future for us, marriage was never as important for him I think than for me. I told him that I'd prefer to be married having kids but I at least wanted to be engaged. It gave him a bit of food for thought but he did appreciate that I'd be honest and he was upset that I'd been hiding that from him because of fears about having the conversation. He didn't want me to feel like that.

In terms of legal rights over children - there has been some changes in that regards for unmarried couples btw. We're not married yet and neither was my sister when she had her kids 4 years ago. Back then, the father would have to apply for guardianship rights even if named on the birth cert for his children. However now if the father is present and signs the birth cert himself, the guardianship rights are automatic. Not ideal but does provide a level of comfort.

LolaJJ · 03-05-2019 12:08PM

Honestly, I've started to get angry with the amount of scaremongering surrounding womens age and having children. Up until recently I was having my own freak-outs about waiting due to the length of our relationship and my age, the pressure I was feeling was due to all my friends having babies and being at that stage of life, and me, not being there just yet. Everything I was reading was telling me I had to start trying and then I actually spoke to my friends who are all aged 37 - 42 and all of them have conceived wiithin 6 months bar one who on her first (age 29) spent a year trying. Her last (aged 36) was a complete surprise and they weren't trying at all. She actually said "we probably only had sex twice in 6 months"

I see both sides of the arguement but if all the other things - engagment, marriage, house etc aren't the way you feel you want them to be then it makes sense to wait and maybe you won't have any issue at all.

Obviously if the OP was 45 I wouldn't be saying this but in general it's good for your health and fertility to not be stressed.

witchgirl26 · 03-05-2019 04:18PM

LolaJJ wrote: »

Honestly, I've started to get angry with the amount of scaremongering surrounding womens age and having children. Up until recently I was having my own freak-outs about waiting due to the length of our relationship and my age, the pressure I was feeling was due to all my friends having babies and being at that stage of life, and me, not being there just yet. Everything I was reading was telling me I had to start trying and then I actually spoke to my friends who are all aged 37 - 42 and all of them have conceived wiithin 6 months bar one who on her first (age 29) spent a year trying. Her last (aged 36) was a complete surprise and they weren't trying at all. She actually said "we probably only had sex twice in 6 months"

I see both sides of the arguement but if all the other things - engagment, marriage, house etc aren't the way you feel you want them to be then it makes sense to wait and maybe you won't have any issue at all.

Obviously if the OP was 45 I wouldn't be saying this but in general it's good for your health and fertility to not be stressed.

While I agree with you to an extent about the level of scaremongering about fertility, it is based on fact. The further past 35 you go, the harder it is to conceive for the first time. That's just medical fact.

I think the biggest issue here with the OP is that they haven't even had the conversation about when to have children. I mean if they'd both agreed to wait or had a timeline in mind, then that's one thing but the OP doesn't even have that.

I wholeheartedly think that both partners have to be ready to have a child before actually trying. I was the one in my relationship "holding things up" so to speak as I wasn't there yet. But there were regular conversations and discussions as we're both in our early/mid-30's so aware that time was not completely on our side.

qwerty13 · 03-05-2019 05:25PM

I think you’re being unfair to him. You have all these ‘wants’ on your head, along with a timeline that you also ‘want’ - but you’re not communicating any of that to him because ‘he should know’ - and then getting pee’d off when he doesn’t seem to be able to read your mind!!! It’s like you’re testing him, without telling him what the test is, what the rules are, or when the test begins.

Even the title of this thread is unreasonable. Maybe what he wants is to stay as things are for the next 15 years. And he’s not wrong to want that. Nor are you wrong to want what you want. But to expect him to magically want the same things as you, at exactly the same time, and not communicate about that?!? That’s bonkers.

Sleepy · 09-05-2019 02:22PM

You mentioned that you've a big holiday coming up.
You've discussed marriage in relation to the house and any future kids.

Have you considered he may be planning to propose on the holiday? I wouldn't go with the expectation that it will happen (it'll ruin your holiday if you do) but I'd at least wait until after before discussing it further.

valoren · 09-05-2019 02:46PM

“so marriage would probably come into this at some point too” and I agreed.

You are all but "engaged" without the formality as it is I think i.e. He knows the logical progression is to get married and he has indicated in his own way it will be inevitable in his own mind.

You mention you have a big holiday coming up, I would hazard a guess that he is planning on proposing then i.e. during the holiday, say while walking on the beach or during a romantic meal. He might be stalling as he wants to do it right (or get an engagement ring, which can be ridiculously expensive).

I would recommend some patience until then, to give him some leeway to plan it and you should only become concerned if after this holiday there seems to be no inkling from him that he will propose. I made the decision (in my own head) to propose to my wife in February 2013. We had a trip to New York planned for the following September and I waited until then to propose. I'd wait until the holiday and then make a determination about his commitment to marriage.

Ready to get married

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