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Cheating spouse

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Comments

  • #62
    Mam of 4
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,941 ✭✭✭✭Mam of 4


    Please don't put a tracker on her car , or her phone , or a listening device in your home to spy on your wife . I doubt you could ever know what having that done to you feels like .

    Talk to your wife . Rationally . Explain your fears and why you have them . Maybe her wearing make-up , going out etc , is a way of her looking for you to pay more attention to her , I don't know , but talk talk talk .


  • #63
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    IHeartShoes wrote: »
    I do agree with the above regarding the gut feeling. But the rest is really unfair to the OP, in my view. The hacking etc is an invasion of privacy, no doubt there. But to describe that as equally as harmful as having an affair on your partner/husband/wife of a significant number of years including all the lies, manipulation and deceit that has to go into maintaining and hiding that affair, is incredibly hurtful and offensive to people who have suffered that. Suffering is the word - it is both soul destroying and head wrecking going through it. I’m not talking one night stand(s) here. I mean a sustained and lengthy affair. Nothing adds up. Small and large discrepancies occur all the time and trying to figure them out consumes you. Psychological abuse at its worst, in my view.

    You can have as many civil, reasoned conversations with the betraying party as you want, citing the confusion and pain etc you are going through, but they will not admit the affair, the majority of the time. It’s a very rare case where they do.

    It’s really not just my own experience that I am speaking from here. It is the very same as that experienced by a significant number of people, of both sexes, who suffered the same. These people are textbook, whilst all being individuals! The improved appearance and social life can be for many reasons, I’ll grant you. But the behaviour with the mobile phone? There really is only one..

    OP, maybe find a more seemly way of confirming your suspicions if you can, but it is a very sad truth that confirming it yourself is what you will have to do.

    S


    She has her phone close to her: like 90% of the population. She has recently started to improve her appearance. Like most people do for many Reasons. Nothing the OP had said has strongly indicated she is having an affair. Nothing what’s so ever. Yet you and people want her husband to sneak around behind her back and spy on her. If that’s not an abuse of trust then we have differeing views on it. Btw he has asked her and she said no to having an affair, paranoia can be contributed to many things and can be very detrimental to both parties. Yet people on here without knowing feck all about the OP or his wife are saying it’s ok to do those awful things like spying, hacking, PI etc. I 100% think the OP should sit with his wife and have a deep and honest conversation about their relationship. Not all people are heartless, scheming and cheaters. Pure and utter projection from a lot of people here. There’s been a lot of tragedies over the years based on mental illness that had paranoia as an underlying issue. I’m
    Not saying this is the case here, but with everything it’s better to see things in a balanced way.


  • #64
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    . Not all people are heartless, scheming and cheaters. Pure and utter projection from a lot of people here.

    This 100%.


  • #65
    IHeartShoes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 111 ✭✭IHeartShoes


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    She has her phone close to her: like 90% of the population. She has recently started to improve her appearance. Like most people do for many Reasons. Nothing the OP had said has strongly indicated she is having an affair. Nothing what’s so ever. Yet you and people want her husband to sneak around behind her back and spy on her. If that’s not an abuse of trust then we have differeing views on it. Btw he has asked her and she said no to having an affair, paranoia can be contributed to many things and can be very detrimental to both parties. Yet people on here without knowing feck all about the OP or his wife are saying it’s ok to do those awful things like spying, hacking, PI etc. I 100% think the OP should sit with his wife and have a deep and honest conversation about their relationship. Not all people are heartless, scheming and cheaters. Pure and utter projection from a lot of people here. There’s been a lot of tragedies over the years based on mental illness that had paranoia as an underlying issue. I’m
    Not saying this is the case here, but with everything it’s better to see things in a balanced way.

    I don’t think any of those things you are charging me with (quoting ‘people on here’ etc). I certainly do not think all people are heartless and scheming etc. Few people are but those that go on to have sustained affairs on their partners can be included in that description.

    I don’t want the OP to sneak around or spy. If the partner is withholding, what would you have them do? There are some on here that thankfully will never experience what the OP is experiencing. There is no honest conversation to be had with someone having an affair on you. Waiting on them to have an epiphany and come clean, explaining the mind fcuk with unexplained events, is what can result in mental illness.

    I don’t wish to argue. We both have lived different experiences. I simply wanted to show support for the OP. They are not alone. I hope he can achieve what he needs to in the least invasive and egregious way possible. I’ll bow out.

    S


  • #66
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tomas81 wrote: »
    Maybe don't take advice off the internet chum. Speak to her.

    Internet advise saved what I was sucked into, I was in an emotional affair with a woman that flattered me beyond belief. To the point I was looking at my own family and not seeing any joy..it can get like that after 20 years. I was completely flattered that someone wanted to be my friend, confidant and a pal.

    And she was beautiful....then I found out she was a player going through a divorce, I was nothing to her. I wasn't expecting anything to happen, but she bombarded me with texts, morning, noon and night.


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  • #67
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    IHeartShoes wrote: »
    I don’t think any of those things you are charging me with (quoting ‘people on here’ etc). I certainly do not think all people are heartless and scheming etc. Few people are but those that go on to have sustained affairs on their partners can be included in that description.

    I don’t want the OP to sneak around or spy. If the partner is withholding, what would you have them do? There are some on here that thankfully will never experience what the OP is experiencing. There is no honest conversation to be had with someone having an affair on you. Waiting on them to have an epiphany and come clean, explaining the mind fcuk with unexplained events, is what can result in mental illness.

    I don’t wish to argue. We both have lived different experiences. I simply wanted to show support for the OP. They are not alone. I hope he can achieve what he needs to in the least invasive and egregious way possible. I’ll bow out.

    S


    With respect. The Op should talk to his wife, get counselling if needed. Exhaust those possibilities. Nothing he has said indicates she has cheated. Or is cheating. People are feeding the OPs paranoia for no good reason.


  • #68
    skallywag
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,060 ✭✭✭skallywag


    Mam of 4 wrote: »
    Talk to your wife . Rationally . Explain your fears and why you have them . Maybe her wearing make-up , going out etc , is a way of her looking for you to pay more attention to her , I don't know , but talk talk talk .

    I take your point, and I would normally advocate exactly the same.

    That said, the unfortunate reality is that some people are exceptional liars and will keep doing so, very convincingly, until they are presented with concrete evidence.

    This was exactly the case in the story that I pointed out a few pages back, i.e. the dad and son made several efforts to talk to her but she refused to give anything away regardless of how they approached it, leaving them at their wits end.

    If they had not resorted to such desperate measures they may never have learned the truth and have been able to move on.


  • #69
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,810 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Charles Ingles wrote: »
    Don't place tracking devices on your wife's car or spy on her.
    She is your wife and marriage is based in trust, talk to her if that doesn't work try again.
    Give your wife the benefit of the doubt she deserves that

    Don't do this.

    Listen to your instincts, they are there for a reason!

    The way I see it you've got 2 possibilities.....

    1 You're right and your wifes up to something and your marriage could be in trouble, if not fúcked. Now you need to be careful that it might not be what you think it is, but she's up to something.

    2 You've gotten it completely wrong, all of a sudden for no real reason.

    If you are not normally a paranoid or suspicious person and now you are paranoid and suspicious, something has changed - if it's not you, it has to be her.

    You know yourself whether it's you or not!


  • #70
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,801 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    so the OPs has already spoken to her of his fears. She has denied it yet his fears persist.

    should he

    a. break up as the trust is gone

    b. ignore his suspicions

    c. confirm or rule out his suspicions by devious means

    its a rock and a hard place.


  • #71
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Look OP if you think she's cheating then you don't trust her. You need to be blunt to her about this and either you work on the trust or you end the marriage.

    All this talk of tracking devices etc is just postponing the inevitable. Either you track her and prove she's cheating and confront her or you track her and find nothing but your paranoia is not going to let it lie as you've already decided she's cheating so either way sounds like the marriage is over.

    Its your marriage OP either you want to save it or you don't, make that choice yourself first then speak to your OH. Tell her you've lost trust in her and either (a) you want to work on it to save the marriage or (b) you want to end the marriage and go from there.


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  • #72
    Goodigal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 494 ✭✭Goodigal


    My ex husband cheated on me for a couple of years. Like the OP, I felt things had shifted, his phone was a close companion and he withdrew from me and my children to the extent that we just did our own thing. Despite asking him repeatedly what was up, he denied having a problem. Except to say he thought we weren't in love any more! But made no effort to resolve this. I was the one begging to 'fix' things. Only admitted it finally when he had packed up everything he owned while I was away. Do I wish I had had him followed? Tracked down? Of course I do. But it would only have shown me his workplace, where he conducted his fling. And would have made me even more paranoid. I truly wish he had spoken to me and tried to work things out, but I have a feeling that only happens in movies...

    I hope the OP is not being cheated on because the fallout and devastation from that for families is horrendous.


  • #73
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    suicide_circus wrote: »
    so the OPs has already spoken to her of his fears. She has denied it yet his fears persist.

    should he

    a. break up as the trust is gone

    b. ignore his suspicions

    c. confirm or rule out his suspicions by devious means

    its a rock and a hard place.

    (b) is not realistic or useful and (c) is crossing a line that makes him a betrayer so (a) is the only option.


  • #74
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,810 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    Op, gut feeling is an imaginary thing. Things turn out to be right or wrong. Nothing to do with gut feelings..

    Absolutely wrong. Do not under any circumstances ignore your instincts.
    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    If I were you I’d take a step back momentarily. Some of what you describe doing is completely over the top. She is your wife and not your property and you cannot just hack, spy, get a PI or any of that nonsense. It’s a complete and utter act of betrayal and equally as harmful as having an affair. .

    It is - but I'd be questioning why do I feel that way. Speaking personally I feel no need to have a PI follow my missus, I don't go snooping or eavesdropping, I probably know her passwords to allsorts but I couldn't be arsed looking at anything. Why not because I trust her that way. She's never given me reason not to.

    If she starts acting all shady and secretive, that's liable to change. It would be crazy if it didn't!


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    put the emphasis on this being your problem rather than hers. .

    Why on earth should he do this?
    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    You have known her an awful long time and hopefully how she responds will tell you an awful lot. Show her her how vulnerable you are and maybe she will show the same.

    Exactly.

    He's known her a long time, long enough to know something has changed with her behaviour.

    OP I don't really know what you should do. Snooping doesn't breed trust, it only breeds more distrust. But if the trust is already gone, what do you have to loose? It's very much a slippery slope though and you'd want to be prepared for both anything you might find out and the very real chance that getting caught or telling her will destroy your marriage regardless of what you find out.

    All I can tell you for certain is I certainly wouldn't ignore my instincts and common sense will tell you that if you need to ask someone after a decade plus "can I trust you?" you can't rely on their answer!


  • #75
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,801 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    ....... wrote: »
    (b) is not realistic or useful and (c) is crossing a line that makes him a betrayer so (a) is the only option.
    the only thing i'd say to that is that if he does establish proof of infidelity it might be useful in divorce court which is not generally a great place for men.


  • #76
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,877 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    suicide_circus wrote:
    the only thing i'd say to that is that if he does establish proof of infidelity it might be useful in divorce court which is not generally a great place for men.

    Wouldn't make a single iota of difference, all Irish divorces are considered "no fault".


  • #77
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,093 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    You sound like a reasonable guy who hasn't been paranoid about your her cheating on you since you started dating your wife. 12+ years ago. Some men are like this, but you don't sound like one of them. Therefore something has changed.

    If you got in shape, bought new clothes and aftershave, started going out and acting all weird, and it was completely innocent behaviour, would you be "offended" at the "lack of trust" if your wife asked you what was going on?

    Of course not ... any normal person would understand why you might think that.

    From talking to a good friend whose wife was cheating on him, to say "talk to your wife", this won't achieve anything in this case. If she isn't cheating, you won't believe her, and if she is she will lie about it.

    You need to act like you don't suspect anything but watch her like a hawk and follow her on one of her nights out to see where she is actually going. Putting a tracker in her car does seem to be going a bit far though. A PI would seem a better choice - paid in cash, if you want to go down that route.

    Has she talked to you about the changes she has made in her life? For example my wife trained for and ran a half marathon, so it was normal for her to lose weight and buy new clothes, but she was excited about it, and I used to pick her up after a run. It all added up. Your story doesn't seem to add up.

    If she is cheating, it is quite possibly someone you both know. Any change in behaviours around certain people, or even saying "XXX is gay or ugly or I would never fancy him" that was what my friends wife said.


  • #78
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,093 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Yellow pack crisps wrote: »
    She has her phone close to her: like 90% of the population. She has recently started to improve her appearance. Like most people do for many Reasons. Nothing the OP had said has strongly indicated she is having an affair. Nothing what’s so ever. Yet you and people want her husband to sneak around behind her back and spy on her. If that’s not an abuse of trust then we have differeing views on it. Btw he has asked her and she said no to having an affair, paranoia can be contributed to many things and can be very detrimental to both parties. Yet people on here without knowing feck all about the OP or his wife are saying it’s ok to do those awful things like spying, hacking, PI etc. I 100% think the OP should sit with his wife and have a deep and honest conversation about their relationship. Not all people are heartless, scheming and cheaters. Pure and utter projection from a lot of people here. There’s been a lot of tragedies over the years based on mental illness that had paranoia as an underlying issue. I’m
    Not saying this is the case here, but with everything it’s better to see things in a balanced way.

    So someone he has trusted completely for 12+ years and now she is doing lots of things that are completely out of character and feel all wrong and he's just supposed to believe her when she says nothing's going on? Paranoia would be if he was like this with every girlfriend he ever had. This is not paranoia but healthy suspicion.


  • #79
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,801 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Dial Hard wrote: »
    Wouldn't make a single iota of difference, all Irish divorces are considered "no fault".
    oh well fair enough


  • #80
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Paranoia would be if he was like this with every girlfriend he ever had.

    How do you know that he isnt generally paranoid in romantic situations?


  • #81
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,093 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    ....... wrote: »
    How do you know that he isnt generally paranoid in romantic situations?

    I have no idea. Maybe he is? Maybe he's actually the wife and trying to work out how not to get caught? Maybe the whole thing is made up?

    I can only go on what he said himself and take it at face value. If he said "I've always suspected my wife" or some such then that would point in that direction .... this appears to be a new thing. Not much point in trying to consider a billion other possibilities that he hasn't mentioned.


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  • #82
    jester77
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,264 ✭✭✭✭jester77


    I really feel for you OP, been there and it rips you apart. It's the last thing you think of going to bed and first thing you think of when you wake up.

    People say the gut feeling is imaginary, but really after 12 years you know your wife best. And when something seems out of place or not right, you know this deep down, that is gut feeling.

    Don't go with the hacking or spying route, it will just drive you demented. Also, talking doesn't really help. I've been there. If they are cheating, they will deny it. If they are not, then you will still be left questioning if they are telling you the truth.

    I don't have a good answer, I don't think there is one. You just have to be observant. Something she will say one evening going out will seem fine at the time, but then a few weeks later something will contradict it. You will start noticing this a lot if she is hiding something. Once you have a few instances of this, then is a good time to approach and talk.

    The truth always comes out, you may never get the full story but you will at worst get a watered down version. And that is enough to confirm your feelings.


  • #83
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    Mod note:

    Since this thread appears to be going in circles and the OP hasn't come back, I'm going to close it.

    Thanks & grma all who posted.

    Thread locked.


This discussion has been closed.
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