Cheating spouse

Its a hard place to be, I was cheated on once in along term relationship.

Looking back I realised it was inevitable as I wasn't giving her enough attention and off out fishing and weekends away with the lads.

I was a selfish man drinking a lot and not appreciating her enough.
That was in 2003 my last long term relationship, we were together 7 years and I think she had enough of my alpha male nature.

I kicked the drink in 2003 and 15 years off it now.

Only in the last 5 years I realise why she cheated on me.
I was an asshole.

Im not judging the Op or saying they're similar to me.

But is there two sides to the story?

You seem to be going to the extreme, bugging the car etc, and hell bent on getting an answer...

Activate tracking on her phone. Easily done. Happens in the movies all the time.

TCM wrote: »

Activate tracking on her phone. Easily done. Happens in the movies all the time.

Well the only problem with that plan is that you need to get at her phone to do it, which might be very difficult now.

Much easier to slip another phone into her car without her knowing.

Either way though once you are going to these means the game is up really concerning trust, you will never trust her again one way or the other anyway.

It could bring closure though at least. The guy I know who did this with his son could finally begin to move on once they had definitive proof.

Been there OP. Similar signs presented themselves. I remember my stomach dropping when I processed the thought that he could be having an affair. Mainly, he wouldn't let the phone out of his hand, even going to the bathroom. I (genuinely) asked to borrow it one time in the car to make a call when mine was dead. He dialled the number for me and held it up to my ear, while driving! Totally nuts behaviour when I reflect.


Prepare yourself for the worst. Unfortunately you will have to play amateur detective yourself as she will not admit the truth. In my case, I found an (opened) mobile phone bill and the evidence was there. I wouldn't open a bill, as if it wasn't true, then there was no going back from such an invasion of privacy but I felt an open bill was fair game. He still tried to lie when I presented him with the evidence.

If I were asked such a question directly by a partner, while I would be very hurt at the implied accusation, as it would not be typical bahaviour for me, I would volunteer my phone in order that he could satisfy himself that it was not true. At this point, as your wife as been forewarned, all evidence could be cleared off of her phone.

I think the idea of an iphone placed under a seat using the the 'find my phone' app is a good idea. Short of following her yourself which is not without risk, I am not sure what else you can do? Remotely hacking her phone is unseemly and might not work if she has deleted the evidence, but you should do what you need to do.


I am sorry you are going through this OP. What helped me most when I discovered the worst was realising that I am actually better off without a person that could do that to me, in my life.


S

I don't think the hacking the phone part will work unless she is stupid to not delete any potential evidence after your earlier questioning.

I do think that talking to her here is key. Tell her you're feeling distanced due to the behaviour you have outlined earlier.

As an alternative, could you suggest going out with her on some of her nights out? If she is telling you she is out with certain friends, is there pictures or evidence of this?
If she is out very late, why not offer to pick her up - obviously hard if you are minding kids at home?

If you are still suspicious and the above does not work, I would advise going to a place where she has told you she will be and checking it out for yourself. I'm not sure a PI would be a good idea.

while resorting to spying or tracking devices is a bad place to be, i think i could forgive myself for going down that route. What i couldn't forgive myself of is having serious suspicions and doing nothing about it allowing myself to be betrayed for years.

It's an awful situation to be in but he may get some closure if it turns out she is cheating and he has the evidence. We don't know if there has been trust issues before .The facts as we have them certainly make the marriage look very difficult to retrieve. Hopefully I am wrong and things can be sorted.

waffleman wrote: »

"if you can't sit down and accuse your partner of cheating your relationship is already doomed"

I don't understand this. In my opinion if you're going to even think about having a conversation like this you better have evidence. Indisputable evidence.

I think this was aimed at my comment, but that's not what I meant. having re-read it I can see how you interpreted it that way though.

I was simply saying that the OP has a problem with certain 'changes' and behaviours he has seen in his wife. He needs to raise these and get peace of mind from the responses in order to save the marriage. Otherwise it is most certainly done and dusted.

Worse case scenario is this will end up in Divorse and a properly split

Is it advantageous to have legal proof by a recording for example that he is the injured party? Will a judge look on him more favorably that he is the injured party?

I suspect it’s usually no fault Divorse and doesn’t matter if the OH has 10 secret affairs going

It’s a difficult one

I’d have no issue putting a car tracker on the car to see where she is going. Give her lots of rope and see what happens

Hopefully it’s nothing OP. In my case my suspicions were founded and it was a very difficult time. Betrayal is worse than a death.

There are lots of resources on the web

Try salvage the relationship

Give this a listen about affairs and search for signs of affairs on the www


https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next

....... wrote: »

You say this^^^

But then advocate the OP not only betraying his wives trust, but actually suggest her "gives her lots of rope and see what happens".



You cant see the irony in the above?

What I mean is, GPS the car and say nothing and see what happens. Don’t confront or discuss until you have real suspicions backed up by GPS. Give her rope, say you are having a night out with the lads and see where she goes and does she lie to you.

If you have real suspicions, a GPS is not that intrusive. If she is cheating is warranted, if she isn’t it’s not like a phone bugging etc. It’s not that personal

There are about 20 signs someone is having an affair, I will see if I can find a link. Lots if you google signs someone is having an affair.

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Op, gut feeling is an imaginary thing. Things turn out to be right or wrong. Nothing to do with gut feelings. If I were you I’d take a step back momentarily. Some of what you describe doing is completely over the top. She is your wife and not your property and you cannot just hack, spy, get a PI or any of that nonsense. It’s a complete and utter act of betrayal and equally as harmful as having an affair.

You should get your head togeather and pick a time and a place where you have privacy and peace and rather than accuse your wife of having an affair you should tell her honestly that youre having trust issues and you notice a change in her abs your marriage and you want to discuss it and work on it, put the emphasis on this being your problem rather than hers. You have known her an awful long time and hopefully how she responds will tell you an awful lot. Show her her how vulnerable you are and maybe she will show the same.

I do agree with the above regarding the gut feeling. But the rest is really unfair to the OP, in my view. The hacking etc is an invasion of privacy, no doubt there. But to describe that as equally as harmful as having an affair on your partner/husband/wife of a significant number of years including all the lies, manipulation and deceit that has to go into maintaining and hiding that affair, is incredibly hurtful and offensive to people who have suffered that. Suffering is the word - it is both soul destroying and head wrecking going through it. I’m not talking one night stand(s) here. I mean a sustained and lengthy affair. Nothing adds up. Small and large discrepancies occur all the time and trying to figure them out consumes you. Psychological abuse at its worst, in my view.

You can have as many civil, reasoned conversations with the betraying party as you want, citing the confusion and pain etc you are going through, but they will not admit the affair, the majority of the time. It’s a very rare case where they do.

It’s really not just my own experience that I am speaking from here. It is the very same as that experienced by a significant number of people, of both sexes, who suffered the same. These people are textbook, whilst all being individuals! The improved appearance and social life can be for many reasons, I’ll grant you. But the behaviour with the mobile phone? There really is only one..

OP, maybe find a more seemly way of confirming your suspicions if you can, but it is a very sad truth that confirming it yourself is what you will have to do.

S