Cheating spouse

Baz_12

I have recently become suspicious of my wife. I have noticed little tell tale signs that she might be having an affair. Going out more, putting more make up wen she previously hardly wore any, always on her fone and never let's it out of her sight etc I'm looking for some advice to how I can find out for sure without accusing her. I'm completely paranoid about everything she does now coz my gut instinct is telling me something is not right. I've started googling tracking devices, hacking fones etc but I avnt a clue how to go about it. Can anyone whose had similar experiences please give me some advice. Also I've been onto a website called cyberghostgroup who claim they can hack a fone with only the number, has anyone heard of them? Is this even possible? HELP

punisher5112

How often is she going out, it could be she is hitting the wall where Yee don't bother so she out with friends more to compensate.

Tough one to call but don't be getting weirdo on internet to crack her phone etc.

If you were really concerned hire a pi or check her friends out for example are they actually out with her.

All trust will be gone of you're caught if she isn't up to anything.

peckerhead

How long have you been together, and is this the first time you've noticed this?

rolling boh

sounds fishy alright if she goes in the evening are you at home minding children you do not have to go high tech if you hire a pi it should be more discreet and if everything is harmless nobody will find out you were checking.

Baz_12

peckerhead wrote: »

How long have you been together, and is this the first time you've noticed this?

Together 12 years and married 7 years. No it's only recently I have become suspicious and paranoid and its driving me insane.

liam7831

Bug the car

Baz_12

punisher5112 wrote: »

How often is she going out, it could be she is hitting the wall where Yee don't bother so she out with friends more to compensate.

Tough one to call but don't be getting weirdo on internet to crack her phone etc.

If you were really concerned hire a pi or check her friends out for example are they actually out with her.

All trust will be gone of you're caught if she isn't up to anything.

Thanks for reply. Its driving me crazy everytime she leaves the house I'm paranoid. Never leaves her phone down. I just need to see it for 5 mins and it would confirm my fears or completely confirm she's innocent. Is it a bad idea to pay a phone hacker to do it?

Charles Ingles

Don't place tracking devices on your wife's car or spy on her.
She is your wife and marriage is based in trust, talk to her if that doesn't work try again.
Give your wife the benefit of the doubt she deserves that

Dtp1979

Ask her for a loan of her phone for a few minutes. Say yours isn’t working properly or some similar excuse. If she refuses then I’d say shes up to something alright

OldMrBrennan83

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Don't place tracking devices on your wife's car or spy on her.
She is your wife and marriage is based in trust, talk to her if that doesn't work try again.
Give your wife the benefit of the doubt she deserves that

If someone is a cheat then they're not going to tell you if you talk to them.

Tomas81

Maybe don't take advice off the internet chum. Speak to her.

Charles Ingles

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

If someone is a cheat then they're not going to tell you if you talk to them.

I think he should talk to his wife and trust her.
Hopefully for op she isn't cheating

Caranica

Talk to her!!!!!

A radical thought I know but ditch the illegal tracking /hacking plans and communicate with your wife. If you go down the route of spying on her and she finds out, your marriage is over. If you want to save your marriage you need to have an open and frank conversation.

Baz_12

Tomas81 wrote: »

Maybe don't take advice off the internet chum. Speak to her.

I have and she has denied it so I cant continue to been eaten alive inside with paranoia. I know its not right to hack her phone and I feel ashamed even thinking it but wat else can I do to find out?

OldMrBrennan83

Charles Ingles wrote: »

I think he should talk to his wife and trust her.
Hopefully for op she isn't cheating

If you trust her and she is cheating then that's making an awful twat of yourself though.

Charles Ingles

Baz_12 wrote: »

I have and she has denied it so I cant continue to been eaten alive inside with paranoia. I know its not right to hack her phone and I feel ashamed even thinking it but wat else can I do to find out?

Maybe there is nothing to find out.
Trust your wife, you could end up driving her away if she is innocent

Charles Ingles

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

If you trust her and she is cheating then that's making an awful twat of yourself though.

This is his wife not a girlfriend.
If you can't trust your wife and take her on her word,your marriage hasn't a chance

MarkR

Private investigator? Bear in mind, this is a serious step, showing you don't trust her. If you're sure there's something, you have to find out.

Maybe start sorting out your shared finances etc. Plan for the "what ifs

Tomas81

Baz_12 wrote: »

I have and she has denied it so I cant continue to been eaten alive inside with paranoia. I know its not right to hack her phone and I feel ashamed even thinking it but wat else can I do to find out?

I can't imagine the pain, but maybe she isn't cheating mate. Paranoia can come from deep seated insecurities don't destroy your marriage over that.

rolling boh

private investigator is a big step but the situation is eating up the op so he needs to know for sure it may be the only option if talking has not worked and the wife has not changed her behaviour.

tara73

where is she going when she's dressing herself up? what is she saying who she's meeting up with?
is she not telling you where she's going and with whome or are you already at a stage were you don't talk anymore?

I think it's pretty natural to let your spouse know where you going and who you meet.

And if you feel so suspicious, based on what she's telling you, you could check yourself if she is where she says.

I think some information and more background is missing here for us to give you decent advise.

Big Bag of Chips

People are always told to trust their gut. Your gut is telling you something. You've known this woman for 12 years, so you know her intimately and you'll know when something is a bit different.

Has she always been cagey with her phone? She may just be at a stage where things are "boring" and she's trying to improve herself. She may be feeling the aging process and has started to take more care of her personal appearance. Or, she may be cheating on you. Where does she tell you she's going? Do you go out together? How is your relationship in general?

I wouldn't go with hacking her phone, but I would try find out what's going on. I would ask her for a loan of her phone to look something up. Asking her isn't going to be much good. If she's cheating she will deny it. Even if you find undeniable proof she will still deny and minimise.

I take it if you feel she is cheating, then maybe things aren't good in your marriage? Would you suggest marriage counselling to her? Tell her you feel things have gone a miss and you want to try get things back on track.

cannotlogin

Would also agree with those who say trust your gut but there's a huge leap between having suspicions your wife is having an affair to phone hacking & hiring a private investigator.

Is she also making more of an effort with her appearance when you both go out?

Has your sex life changed recently?

Are her explanations as to where she is going and with who believable?

Have you suggested a weekend away for just the two of you lately? How has she reacted?

What is her response like when you raise the issue of the changes you've noticed? Dismissive? Defensive? etc.

Without trust there's nothing, if the explanation is innocent then there's no reason why she can't explain it.

wiggle16

OldMrBrennan83 wrote: »

If you trust her and she is cheating then that's making an awful twat of yourself though.

Mod note:

OldMrBrennan, if you haven't got constructive advice for the OP, please don't post.

Thanks.

OldMrBrennan83

<SNIPPED>

Mod Warning:

If you have an issue with a moderator's request or action, report it, or PM the mod. Do not argue it in the thread.

Johnnyhpipe

Whatever you do will be seen by her as being waay worse..

“You cheated on me..”

“YOU HACKED MY PHONE!!!??”

It may be nothing. Talk to her.

waffleman

Lot of people saying "talk to her" like it's the obvious solution

What exactly would you recommend saying in this situation?

punisher5112

waffleman wrote: »

Lot of people saying "talk to her" like it's the obvious solution

What exactly would you recommend saying in this situation?

Exactly as if you would ask....

This would show you don't trust them and are actually accusing them of something they may well not be at.

You would want to be sure before going down the chat route.

Op could obviously try and get her to go out more with him or arrange some time away etc and this may show up as an issue on her side so worth a shot.

rolling boh

The op has already spoken to his wife and she has denied doing anything wrong. She has been alerted now that he has his suspicions so would maby more careful if she is up to something. We don't really know what reason she is giving him for going out just to start going out dressed up a bit is certainly fishey.
But he needs to find out what is going on because its doing his head at the moment. They may well be able to talk when this is cleared up.

LegacyUser

OP.... as someone pointed out earlier, if you have a gut feeling something's not right, then something's not right.
As it's been pointed out before, you've been with this woman for 12 years. You can read the signs when something's not right.
Just because your wife denied having an affair, does not mean she's not having an affair.
That said, she might be telling the truth.
You need to decide what you want to achieve.
Do you want to stay with your wife, irrespective of what the results of your findings are?
Do you want to split?

Personally, I didn't go down the phone hacking route, tracking, or hiring a private detective.
All of these things did cross my mind, but in the end I just got hold of her phone and found the messages that proved she was having an affair.
If you ask for the phone and she's not willing to let you see it, you need to tell her WHY you want to see it.

Communication is key. You need to talk to her.
Ask about her friends.
Who is she spending time with?

This is s tough time OP....I've been there and I know what you're going through.
I'm 18 months past discovery and confrontation.
We went to counselling and our marriage is improving as a result.
You need to communicate with your wife.

Affairs generally come about as a result of greater problems within a marriage.
For a man, its almost always physical attraction and then sex that leads to an emotional attachment.
For women, its the other way around. THEY form the emotional attachment before any physicality.
There are some great contributors to this forum. You'll know who they are if you pay attention.
Talk to your wife OP. Don't settle for compromise on this one. You need to lay things out in Black and White and explain why you have your doubts.
Be sober, coherent and concise when you outline your case.
This process takes time.
Best of luck OP - sincerely.

peckerhead

OP, surely you've been together long enough to be able to tell by now if your wife is lying to you about something like this. Otherwise your gut instinct would not be as strong as it is. And, on the face of it, something is off - these are classic tell-tale signs of cheating, or imminent cheating/dancing close to the edge. Possibly still at the stage of 'emotional cheating' - or possibly there's nothing at all there, and you really are just being paranoid.

You say that you asked her about it and she denied it. What exactly did you say, and how did she react? Did she blush and look away, or get flustered/defensive? Did she laugh out loud, hug you and tell you not to be ridiculous? Did she get offended? Did you have the feeling she was taken aback by the question at all, or did her answers seem somehow 'prepared'? If you asked specifically where she was going, or had been on any specific occasions, did she give plausible replies?, etc.

I agree with the others that for the moment you should forget about tracking devices/hacking her phone and the like. Besides, as was pointed out to you on the other thread you started, hacking her phone after you've confronted her is pointless. Any incriminating evidence will have been deleted as soon as she knew you were suspicious.

Like others above, I'm curious as to what sort of answers/reactions you got when you expressed your concerns.

Tacklebox

Its a hard place to be, I was cheated on once in along term relationship.

Looking back I realised it was inevitable as I wasn't giving her enough attention and off out fishing and weekends away with the lads.

I was a selfish man drinking a lot and not appreciating her enough.
That was in 2003 my last long term relationship, we were together 7 years and I think she had enough of my alpha male nature.

I kicked the drink in 2003 and 15 years off it now.

Only in the last 5 years I realise why she cheated on me.
I was an asshole.

Im not judging the Op or saying they're similar to me.

But is there two sides to the story?

You seem to be going to the extreme, bugging the car etc, and hell bent on getting an answer...

skallywag

Not a nice place to be in OP, you have my sympathy.

An acquaintance was in an identical situation some time ago, and he put a phone into her car with the 'find my iphone' feature turned on. If you have an iphone you can do this without any extra hardware, etc. You simply enable the feature, hide the phone in the car, and then you will be able to track exactly where she is going, via the internet. Not sure if other phones have a similar feature, but I am quite sure they do.

In this case the guy in question and his son turned up on the doorstep of the house which she had traveled to, looking for answers.

TCM

Activate tracking on her phone. Easily done. Happens in the movies all the time.

.......

Whether or not she is doing something she shouldnt - you dont trust her.

So your marriage is over either way. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone you dont trust?

You are being eaten up by paranoia, your head is done in. This is having a serious effect on your stress levels and mental health. So why would you want to stay in a situation that is having that effect on you?

I think you would be better off separating from your wife, infidelity or not because if she is cheating then you have no marriage as you cant trust her and if she isnt cheating you have no marriage as you cant trust her.

Trust is the foundation, if its not there then its time to go.

skallywag

TCM wrote: »

Activate tracking on her phone. Easily done. Happens in the movies all the time.

Well the only problem with that plan is that you need to get at her phone to do it, which might be very difficult now.

Much easier to slip another phone into her car without her knowing.

Either way though once you are going to these means the game is up really concerning trust, you will never trust her again one way or the other anyway.

It could bring closure though at least. The guy I know who did this with his son could finally begin to move on once they had definitive proof.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Purposely leave your phone at work or in the car or upstairs or where ever and ask for a loan of hers for 2 minutes to check an item on eBay or something on google (have something valid to reply if she asks what your looking for/at)

If she refuses then ask why she won’t let you see her phone? If she does allow you then check text messages, viber, what’s app and Messenger (if it’s an iPhone) if there’s nothing suspicious make sure to close all the apps as you don’t want up cause a row if she thinks your checking up in her without reason (although you do appear to have a reason)

Where does she say she’s going when she goes out in the evenings?

Charles Ingles

Its scary the amount of people advising you to stalk your wife or place tracking devices in her car.
Your wife's phone is hers and she is entitled to privacy.
Trust trust trust.
If you don't trust your wife your marriage is doomed even if she isn't cheating ( which I doubt she is)

Dtp1979

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Its scary the amount of people advising you to stalk your wife or place tracking devices in her car.
Your wife's phone is hers and she is entitled to privacy.
Trust trust trust.
If you don't trust your wife your marriage is doomed even if she isn't cheating ( which I doubt she is)

This isn’t little house on the prairie, Charles . Spouses do cheat unfortunately. Op has more than enough reason to suspect his wife. She sure as hell isnt going to confess so why should he suffer any longer.

IHeartShoes

Been there OP. Similar signs presented themselves. I remember my stomach dropping when I processed the thought that he could be having an affair. Mainly, he wouldn't let the phone out of his hand, even going to the bathroom. I (genuinely) asked to borrow it one time in the car to make a call when mine was dead. He dialled the number for me and held it up to my ear, while driving! Totally nuts behaviour when I reflect.


Prepare yourself for the worst. Unfortunately you will have to play amateur detective yourself as she will not admit the truth. In my case, I found an (opened) mobile phone bill and the evidence was there. I wouldn't open a bill, as if it wasn't true, then there was no going back from such an invasion of privacy but I felt an open bill was fair game. He still tried to lie when I presented him with the evidence.

If I were asked such a question directly by a partner, while I would be very hurt at the implied accusation, as it would not be typical bahaviour for me, I would volunteer my phone in order that he could satisfy himself that it was not true. At this point, as your wife as been forewarned, all evidence could be cleared off of her phone.

I think the idea of an iphone placed under a seat using the the 'find my phone' app is a good idea. Short of following her yourself which is not without risk, I am not sure what else you can do? Remotely hacking her phone is unseemly and might not work if she has deleted the evidence, but you should do what you need to do.


I am sorry you are going through this OP. What helped me most when I discovered the worst was realising that I am actually better off without a person that could do that to me, in my life.


S

kg703

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Its scary the amount of people advising you to stalk your wife or place tracking devices in her car.
Your wife's phone is hers and she is entitled to privacy.
Trust trust trust.
If you don't trust your wife your marriage is doomed even if she isn't cheating ( which I doubt she is)

Completely agree. I keep my phone with me a lot, I don’t want my husband going through my phone. I’ve nothing to hide but I have private conversations with my friends and family maybe about their issues maybe about stuff between us. I don’t go near his phone.

However if he asked me can he go through my phone I would be angry that he didn’t trust me. I’d hand it over though.

If I found out he had hired a PI or hacked / tracked my phone it might end / severely damage our marriage because I would think he has lost the bleedin plot.

You are together long enough to raise all the points you have raised here to her. Even if she has denied it, sit her down and explain why you are feeling paranoid and how upset it is making you.

I mean if you can’t talk to your wife and are consider hiring hackers and PIs, you should really be looking at your marriage as a whole. I think that is mental.

Tomw86

I don't think the hacking the phone part will work unless she is stupid to not delete any potential evidence after your earlier questioning.

I do think that talking to her here is key. Tell her you're feeling distanced due to the behaviour you have outlined earlier.

As an alternative, could you suggest going out with her on some of her nights out? If she is telling you she is out with certain friends, is there pictures or evidence of this?
If she is out very late, why not offer to pick her up - obviously hard if you are minding kids at home?

If you are still suspicious and the above does not work, I would advise going to a place where she has told you she will be and checking it out for yourself. I'm not sure a PI would be a good idea.

xi5yvm0owc1s2b

If she has Location History enabled on her phone, and is logged into her Google account on a shared computer, just go to:

https://www.google.com/maps/timeline

You may be able to see a timeline of everywhere she has gone without needing access to her phone.

suicide_circus

while resorting to spying or tracking devices is a bad place to be, i think i could forgive myself for going down that route. What i couldn't forgive myself of is having serious suspicions and doing nothing about it allowing myself to be betrayed for years.

waffleman

Is there a PC / laptop in the house she uses?

Keystroke loggers are simple to install and hide. Log every key stroke she enters and review after a month

Any passwords used will be logged. So even if you don't see any cheating signs in the keystroke log you can use any passwords she types for Facebook / email etc.

.......

suicide_circus wrote: »

What i couldn't forgive myself of is having serious suspicions and doing nothing about it allowing myself to be betrayed for years.

And if he isnt being betrayed?

Hacking his wives phone, accounts, using location services to track her, private detectives etc...

Dont you think SHE would be entitled to end the marriage for that kind of invasion of privacy? THAT is a betrayal of trust.

Its a no win situation for the OP - if he is at the point that he is considering invading his wives privacy his marriage is over regardless of whether or not she is cheating.

Tomw86

....... wrote: »

And if he isnt being betrayed?

Hacking his wives phone, accounts, using location services to track her, private detectives etc...

Dont you think SHE would be entitled to end the marriage for that kind of invasion of privacy? THAT is a betrayal of trust.

Its a no win situation for the OP - if he is at the point that he is considering invading his wives privacy his marriage is over regardless of whether or not she is cheating.

Your last point is really the conclusion here.

Unless the OP can sit down and express his views/concerns to her and she can respond, show him she is not cheating and they both make changes to fix what is wrong, then it is done.

rolling boh

It's an awful situation to be in but he may get some closure if it turns out she is cheating and he has the evidence. We don't know if there has been trust issues before .The facts as we have them certainly make the marriage look very difficult to retrieve. Hopefully I am wrong and things can be sorted.

waffleman

"if you can't sit down and accuse your partner of cheating your relationship is already doomed"

I don't understand this. In my opinion if you're going to even think about having a conversation like this you better have evidence. Indisputable evidence.

Tomw86

waffleman wrote: »

"if you can't sit down and accuse your partner of cheating your relationship is already doomed"

I don't understand this. In my opinion if you're going to even think about having a conversation like this you better have evidence. Indisputable evidence.

I think this was aimed at my comment, but that's not what I meant. having re-read it I can see how you interpreted it that way though.

I was simply saying that the OP has a problem with certain 'changes' and behaviours he has seen in his wife. He needs to raise these and get peace of mind from the responses in order to save the marriage. Otherwise it is most certainly done and dusted.

waffleman

Tomw86 wrote: »

I think this was aimed at my comment, but that's not what I meant. having re-read it I can see how you interpreted it that way though.

I was simply saying that the OP has a problem with certain 'changes' and behaviours he has seen in his wife. He needs to raise these and get peace of mind from the responses in order to save the marriage. Otherwise it is most certainly done and dusted.

Ok sounds good in theory for sure - but I'll tell you it depends on the woman and how you word your line of questioning.