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To leave him, or not, please help

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Comments

  • #62
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Bigmac1euro wrote: »
    Op you sound like my ex.
    It was the worst time in my whole life. Since we split years ago I found a woman I truly love and I have been doing better than ever at life in general.
    She spent the whole relationship trying to change me. It was actually weird,I think she had mental issues looking back now.

    We were not compatible in the slightest. It was absolute insanity come to think of it.
    I ended up jumping on a plane and leaving her this exact day 5 years ago.

    You are projecting too much from your own experience to my case, which is completely different. I am happy for you that you got out of a controlling situation, if that was indeed the case.

    As I said in my last post, my husband would be the first to say I am not in the least controlling.
    So you missed the issue, entirely, as you are thinking about yourself.


  • #63
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    All sounds promising OP - I hope it all works out for you!

    Sounds like you both know what you need to do, that's maybe a third of the battle, 2 thirds is actually doing it. Best of luck


  • #64
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    shadaladyada wrote: »
    We are not codependent either. He doesn't do anything to fix me nor do I live in a victim mode of needing help.

    Flip that dynamic around then re-read your post talking about trying to fix him and how he needs your help to get out of bed, do his LC etc.


  • #65
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    shadaladyada wrote: »
    We are not codependent either. He doesn't do anything to fix me nor do I live in a victim mode of needing help. The psych was quick to say that isn't the case when I raised that as a possibility after it was mentioned here.

    Codependency doesnt mean that you are also a victim who he tries to fix.

    It means that 2 people are living in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship and as described your relationship fits the dynamic perfectly.

    He needs help, you need someone to help. Its classic co-dependency.


  • #66
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ....... wrote: »
    Codependency doesnt mean that you are also a victim who he tries to fix.

    It means that 2 people are living in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship and as described your relationship fits the dynamic perfectly.

    He needs help, you need someone to help. Its classic co-dependency.

    I do not need someone to help though. For years I was not in a relationship at all. I just had to be there for my father for example when he was very ill - I came up to the surface, other siblings didn't to the same (or enough of a) degree. It is just happens by nature that if I have someone in my circle who needs help, I show up.

    My husband wasn't needing my help at the beginning of our relationship as such because he was in a deadend job and for a good 6 months I didn't interfere until I thought hang on, he has dyslexia, he fears and hates exams, classrooms, resents teachers not taking on board he has issues spelling or reading at speed. And then other issues surfaced when he got a better job (based on having his leaving cert and learning key skills for his job which he mostly did by himself). I only helped him where he could not help himself. The problem was he didn't take the same care about any gaps I had in my life skills, etc but he is conceding this now, and I have yet to see now if there is carry through, and I expect there to be as it is a partnership.

    I need friends and companionship like every human. Being more introverted, a listener, etc. I have deviated by nature towards more outgoing people who like to be centre of attention, as I do not require to be at the centre of things. So this has just made me fall into friendships and rels where I was effectively placing myself as the number 2.
    The psychologist is helping me with this. She said my batteries are low and I need to get my energy back / build up my energy. Because I became exhausted, and I feel it.


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  • #67
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    sbsquarepants wrote: »
    All sounds promising OP - I hope it all works out for you!

    Sounds like you both know what you need to do, that's maybe a third of the battle, 2 thirds is actually doing it. Best of luck

    Thank you so very much for your help, it has really made a difference to me. I wish you the very best too in all of your own endeavors in life.


  • #68
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


    shadaladyada wrote: »
    I do not need someone to help though.

    You have given quite a lot of conflicting information on this thread.

    Im not criticising you btw, but maybe read over the thread at a later point, when you are less emotionally connected to it, and see how you have chopped and changed the things you are saying as a response to people pointing out things that you dont like to hear.

    You began by saying that you thought you could fix your husband and that you were behaving as a carer even to the point of helping him get up out of bed.

    As the thread has gone on you have rowed back a bit on this and minimised it to you simply being a caring person, with him suddenly not like that at the start and that you only helped things he couldnt help himself with.

    Im not going to bother going back to quote your various position changes - but I think you moving the goalposts quite a bit as the thread goes on.


  • #69
    Bigmac1euro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,531 ✭✭✭Bigmac1euro


    shadaladyada wrote: »
    You are projecting too much from your own experience to my case, which is completely different. I am happy for you that you got out of a controlling situation, if that was indeed the case.

    As I said in my last post, my husband would be the first to say I am not in the least controlling.
    So you missed the issue, entirely, as you are thinking about yourself.

    Apologies if you feel I misinterpreted what you meant. But I can only go off what you have posted so far. And from an outside point of view it looked like a classic case of one person being extremely controlling and the other person not willing to change.
    I suppose what I understand from you're posts was that he needed help with how to do things you're way when in fact he would rather be left to his own devices in certain situations.
    I'm also going off past experience and this all reminded me of it but maybe not as extreme and plus everyone else's situations are different and for comparing the two maybe I was wrong :confused::confused:

    I really do think some people are not compatible after the romance fades.
    Some people don't team up well. Past relationships have proved this for me.

    And I've had numerous long term relationships, I'm like Ross from friends. But its amazing who you may find after all the searching and now I'm happy to stay where I am.

    What I am trying to say OP is maybe if you keep looking you'll find someone to match you better than you could have ever imagined.


    Also, I do really hope things work out for you and you're situation. I hope you's can become more compatible if that makes sense. Good luck :)


  • #70
    ChrissieH
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 117 ✭✭ChrissieH


    Hi OP,

    I've been following this thread since you first posted and I am interested in the responses as well as your story; when I read your first post, I felt that I could identify with, or at least understand a lot of what you were saying and some of the responses kind of surprised me because I feel like I'm exactly like you; naturally the care-giver in the relationship, capable and independent and able to do everything for myself as well as for others. I don't see myself as controlling or needy, so I held back from responding to you before now because I felt a bit annoyed at some posters comments, judging you for being controlling and negative.
    I'm married to a man who is definitely not on any spectrum and doesn't have any sort of learning issues or anything like that, but as the years have gone by, I've learned that his childhood was far from the fun time he'd made it out to be, and suffice to say, it's left a lot of psychological and emotional issues that have contributed to addiction, depressive cycles and a lack of ambition, organisation, responsibility etc on his part, coupled with a poor education, like your husband. My husband has been in and out of employment for years now and I don't think people understand the financial pressure that this creates, so like you, I would apply for jobs on his behalf and make his lunch and things like that, to try to ensure that he was earning money because at the end of the day, we are married, I can't do it all on my own, and if this is what it takes to make sure he's working and getting out of the house, then this is what I need to do - believe me, I wish it were different, but these traits in him became more and more exaggerated as the years went by; it wasn't as obvious 10 years ago as it is now, and I bet you're in a similar situation.

    I think some people here were very quick to judge you but I just wanted to throw my opinion in because I feel for you.
    I'm delighted that you spoke openly to your husband and that there's a bit of progress, it's been the only thing saving my marriage, but that doesn't mean that it will happen quickly - for me, it's been about 3 years of my husband repeating fairly negative patterns that have pushed me to question whether I can tolerate this, but then thankfully, we're able to talk and get through it all.
    I'm still carrying 90% of the burden of life, and I don't see that changing any time soon. That's just how it is and I am strong enough to do it, but it would be nice to get a break and I often do think about how lucky some women are, to have husbands who are just "normal"! Helping out with everything, making decisions, getting jobs done without having to be nagged, taking initiative etc. I wish my husband was like that but he's just not, he's emotionally damaged due to stuff from the past, and the more time that goes by, the more this damage becomes apparent but I'm hopeful that he'll emerge out the other side once he manages to talk through things and get them off his chest, which is happening on a very very slow, gradual basis.
    All I can do is take it on a day-by-day basis, but that's ok for me, I'm not really a planner or a future-thinker anyway. You might be different, in which case, it's going to be difficult for you. At 30, you possibly want a family and I don't know if you have a mortgage - luckily, we don't, or we'd probably have been homeless by now - but the biggest thing, which you've already realised, is that you HAVE to live your life for yourself, first and foremost. Pouring all your energy into someone else who just takes and takes is beyond draining, which is why you're so exhausted now.
    I get it.
    Mind yourself x


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