To leave him, or not, please help

LegacyUser

Hey all, I will try to keep this short and still convey the context as best I can.
I am married three years now. My husband (30) has in the past been moody, bordering on depression, and though I have tried my best to cope and to help him and myself at the same time, he has not made it easy. We have a lot in common but our personality types are opposites . I am super polite and respectful of others, not looking for gain from them, while he can be manipulative and can turn on the charm when he wants something.

The problem is that even though I have helped him to better himself, educationally and behavior-wise, he hasn't changed fully and is still difficult to help and to get through to.
The other evening was a breaking point for me. Nothing major happened but I arranged an evening out for us to see a film at a meetup event and 3/4 the way through he was showing me the timetables for the next bus and asking me which one we were taking. He knew I didn't know exactly what time the film ended. He was interrupting the film on me to do that. It was just him trying to be controlling and spoil my good time. He also infringed on other people when he loudly zipped his bag open to find a drink and people turned to see what was causing the commotion.

I don't want this life. I want a better partner. I have seen a psychologist about 5 times about this, and she placed the focus on my self esteem and encouraged me to be patient and help him. Efforts only work temporarily.
He always has to argue, have the last word, and so on, and is not meeting me half way. Every morning he has to be helped get up on time, get his clothes, keys, etc. before work.

His whole demeanor has improved but he is still not seeing things from my perspective. I would do therapy with him except he is completely able to perform and come across well when he wants to, and I don't expect it would help.

He has never been physically violent but he is verbally and emotionally abusive, and does my self esteem no good, whereas I am always boosting his.
Should I just call this a day? And give up on him ever being a decent human being? We do not have kids as he is not mature enough and I don't want to bring kids into something potentially unstable for them. So it is just about me and him and I want to enjoy life more.

woodchuck

OP why did you marry him? Did you like the person he was at the time or did you hope that he would change? Tbh it sounds like you thought there was potential there, but that you could change him to be a better person...

Whatever about helping people through a dark patch of depression, it sounds like there is a just a fundamental difference in personalities going on here. That's not something you can "help" him with, it's just the way he is and always will be.

If you don't like the person you're with, I think you know what is inevitably going to happen. I always advise counselling for a LTR before resorting to a breakup, but I'm not sure how much use that will be if it's boils down to a clash of personalities... not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse.

heretothere

I'm also curious as to why you married him?

The cinema thing doesn't sound too bad, I make minimal noise in the cinema e.g. no popcorn during the quiet parts where as my husband will keep munching away. I've told him to stop a few time, I've told him it's rude but he will do it again a few minutes later! He's not trying to be rude intentionally or to annoy me it's just not rude to him. I always thought people who start to pack up in lectures early to be super rude too can they not just be quiet and let the lecturer finish before making a lot of noise. Again they are just oblivious to the fact they are being rude and don't think they are doing anything wrong. People just have different scales of politeness which can be very irritating when you're high on the politeness scale!

The rest if you can't see yourself ever being happy living with him, maybe a trial separation would help? Do you have anyone you could live with for a while? It might give you the time to really sort through how you feel

daithi7

I think you know what you want to do and are looking for reaffirmation here.

It's a big move, but you're young, no kids and this is a better time than in 10 years time with 2 kids isn't it?!

oLoonatic

It sounds like you are married to a child, by that i mean its a one way relationship. It sounds like you have gone to huge lengths to help him and try to help your relationship, at this stage I would consider calling it a day for your own sanity. There is only so much support you can give someone without it starting to effect yourself. But at the end of the day you are not happy and if he isn't willing to change that its best to move on.

LegacyUser

Yep, I believed there was potential there to help him and get him to change. I thought his issues were fixable as I put it down to mainly being due to his parents and his unstable background. They were abusive to each other, and verbally and emotionally abusive to the kids.

I had the idyllic family background and didn't suffer what he did, and this naivety coupled with a tragically huge empathy, got me into the mindset where I thought I could help.
Then there was progress along the way, and he has changed for the better, so I kept believing there was more possible. I got him to get his leaving cert as he had finished school early despite being bright (he was kicked out of one school after another). I also helped him get on a good career path.
But I am also responsible for being naive in general, doubly so back then a few years ago. He and his family have ruined my idyllic outlook on life and I feel broken about life and about the world. I deeply resent that he has done this to me.

I feel I deserve to be able to enjoy a movie, to get up in the morning without this weight on my head, and I want to be out of his controlling behaviour. I fight it all the time, but he seems to have beta/alpha male insecurities, hates colored people, and so on, and on and off talks down about women. He loved the hate against Hillary Clinton. It is an extreme example but it is part of how he behaves and thinks.

woodchuck

OP it sounds like you viewed him as a project.

Do yourself a favour. In your next relationship (because this one is definitely going to end sooner or later), make sure to find someone you love for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

A relationship should be a partnership of equals, but you sound more like a parent than a partner.

stargazer 68

shadaladyada wrote: »

Every morning he has to be helped get up on time, get his clothes, keys, etc. before work.


.

Op he is not a child. Tomorrow get up, get ready and go to work. Leave him to his own devices. Why are you holding his hand to get dressed etc?

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

OP it sounds like you viewed him as a project.

Do yourself a favour. In your next relationship (because this one is definitely going to end sooner or later), make sure to find someone you love for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

A relationship should be a partnership of equals, but you sound more like a parent than a partner.

Yep, I did indeed view him as a project in a way. Of course I do love him also - because we are such opposites there was an immense amount of newness and interestingness, and there still is. But I guess logic is beginning to actually take hold now, whereas in the past, I was all heart.

I am considering giving it a month of a serious effort to save it. He knows now it is at a tipping point and I am also seeing the psychologist for reinforcement tomorrow. I know I can cope without him - this makes me feel very good, knowing I can walk away if he doesn't treat me properly.

He either wants to change all the way, or he wants to stay as he is. I can't make the last change happen, even if I have done good so far.

LegacyUser

Dovies wrote: »

Op he is not a child. Tomorrow get up, get ready and go to work. Leave him to his own devices. Why are you holding his hand to get dressed etc?

Yep, will do exactly that. I was helping him to select the clothes, as he gets disoriented and puts on dirty clothes by accident, and then he also forgets his work badge, and so on.
I put a post it note on the front door before this but he didn't even consult it.

From tomorrow he knows he has to do it all on time if he wants to leave the house with me, or he stays back and does it all himself and is late for work.
It is just a symptom of the bigger issue, He has to shape up now all the way.

.......

You cant ever change a person, you can only ever change yourself.

You have to take responsibility for yourself, just as he has to take responsibility for himself.

I dont know why any adult would be helping any other adult get up and choose clothes etc... unless he has special needs or is a child why does someone need to do this for him?

I think you made quite a serious mistake marrying someone with the intention of making them a better person - it doesnt work like that.

You would be far far better off out of this relationship for both of your sakes. You are actually doing the opposite of helping him, you are enabling his dysfunctionality.

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

You cant ever change a person, you can only ever change yourself.

You have to take responsibility for yourself, just as he has to take responsibility for himself.

I dont know why any adult would be helping any other adult get up and choose clothes etc... unless he has special needs or is a child why does someone need to do this for him?

I think you made quite a serious mistake marrying someone with the intention of making them a better person - it doesnt work like that.

You would be far far better off out of this relationship for both of your sakes. You are actually doing the opposite of helping him, you are enabling his dysfunctionality.

I thought it was normal to help your partner in the mornings if they were slow to wake up and get ready.
I have been helping him way too much. Stopping all of that immediately.
We at least have a kind of deal where I clean and he cooks - this much he does and is good at. But I am stopping the other over the top caring jobs. He can manage alone.

The other gotcha for me was that I have a mad work ethic and am super conscientious - so I had all of these traits almost set up for this - my old naivety, empathy, etc.

.......

shadaladyada wrote: »

I thought it was normal to help your partner in the mornings if they were slow to wake up and get ready.

There is a difference between being nice to your partner in the mornings such as making them a cup of tea if you are in the kitchen before them, and actually taking charge of the activities of daily living for them such as getting up, dressing, getting their keys for them etc...

Adults should be able to get up, get dressed, find their own keys.

The big problem with doing everything for someone like this is that its very difficult to stand on your own two feet when someone else is always holding you up. Your husband isnt being given a chance to shape up as long as you persist in babying him.

I would strongly advise you to see a therapist for YOU, to figure out why YOU feel the need to fix someone, to change them, to take them on as a project etc... And in doing so become resentful because they are not changing.

Its also easy for you to hide your own issues while putting the spotlight on all the things you need to fix in him.

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

There is a difference between being nice to your partner in the mornings such as making them a cup of tea if you are in the kitchen before them, and actually taking charge of the activities of daily living for them such as getting up, dressing, getting their keys for them etc...

Adults should be able to get up, get dressed, find their own keys.

The big problem with doing everything for someone like this is that its very difficult to stand on your own two feet when someone else is always holding you up. Your husband isnt being given a chance to shape up as long as you persist in babying him.

I would strongly advise you to see a therapist for YOU, to figure out why YOU feel the need to fix someone, to change them, to take them on as a project etc... And in doing so become resentful because they are not changing.

Its also easy for you to hide your own issues while putting the spotlight on all the things you need to fix in him.

Having fallen for this person and being the carer type, it aligned with who I am to help another human being out, very much. It isn't at all out of a need to baby him whatsoever - it was out of compassion because when I didn't help him, he was forgetting something, believe it or not, or he was sleeping in, running late, etc. and I didn't want him to keep being late and lose his job.

I don't have personal issues that I am trying to avoid by centering the attention onto him.
My only issues were with how he treated me and I thought that the more I helped him, the more he would be a better person and treat me well in return. He simply is not kind enough in his behaviour. He is selfish in too many ways.

The psychologist focused on my self esteem, I think because she wanted me to put more time into myself. I am not low in confidence by any means, but I could be more confident. Of course we should all heap tons of good attention on ourselves and she probably saw that I was spending more time thinking about how to help him than I was on myself.

There is loads that I could be doing for myself with that time and energy instead.

wiggle16

....... wrote: »

I dont know why any adult would be helping any other adult get up and choose clothes etc... unless he has special needs or is a child why does someone need to do this for him?

Stuff like this, or any kind of abuse, usually starts off small and seldom and very slowly snowballs until you are in a situation you never would have dreamed you'd find yourself in before you met them. The odd throwaway comment or put down followed by an apology, that gets more frequent and then the apologies stop. I would guess that getting him ready in the morning started off with little things, esp if the OP is an early riser, that became routine and expected. People like this continue to push the boundaries of whats acceptable and so it becomes "normal" over time, and the stronger the victim is the more extreme it gets. I have a few female friends who were with abusive and violent partners in the past - without exception they are among the strongest people I know. That's how they put up with their partners' abuse for so long, they could "take it".

OP, this behaviour will not change, it will only get worse. It's ingrained in the personality of the person - he depends on it. Couples counselling should be the first stop for most rocky relationships, but not in this case - you would simply be adapting to this behaviour. Putting you down makes him feel better about himself. That's the only way he knows how to operate and nothing will change that.

As others have said, I think you know what you need to do but you're looking for a push or something to happen to make you do it. You don't need it. I guarantee you are stronger than you think you are. Don't wait for something to happen. If he's being verbally and emotionally abusive then when what you are putting up with is enough to justify leaving.

Get out before you invest any more time in this relationship. It sounds like you are falling out of love with him anyway so it's a question of when rather than if. You will begin to feel a lot better about yourself the minute he is out of the picture.

Best of luck OP

Witcher

Has he ever been assessed? The things you describe instantly made me think he was on the spectrum.

Green&Red

<SNIP>

Green & Red

If you have an issue with a post, report it. Do not challenge the OP in the thread.

Thanks

Wiggle16

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

Stuff like this, or any kind of abuse, usually starts off small and seldom and very slowly snowballs until you are in a situation you never would have dreamed you'd find yourself in before you met them. The odd throwaway comment or put down followed by an apology, that gets more frequent and then the apologies stop. I would guess that getting him ready in the morning started off with little things, esp if the OP is an early riser, that became routine and expected. People like this continue to push the boundaries of whats acceptable and so it becomes "normal" over time, and the stronger the victim is the more extreme it gets. I have a few female friends who were with abusive and violent partners in the past - without exception they are among the strongest people I know. That's how they put up with their partners' abuse for so long, they could "take it".

OP, this behaviour will not change, it will only get worse. It's ingrained in the personality of the person - he depends on it. Couples counselling should be the first stop for most rocky relationships, but not in this case - you would simply be adapting to this behaviour. Putting you down makes him feel better about himself. That's the only way he knows how to operate and nothing will change that.

As others have said, I think you know what you need to do but you're looking for a push or something to happen to make you do it. You don't need it. I guarantee you are stronger than you think you are. Don't wait for something to happen. If he's being verbally and emotionally abusive then when what you are putting up with is enough to justify leaving.

Get out before you invest any more time in this relationship. It sounds like you are falling out of love with him anyway so it's a question of when rather than if. You will begin to feel a lot better about yourself the minute he is out of the picture.

Best of luck OP

Thanks for this, you have hit the nail on the head really. It had seemed inoffensive and almost acceptable to help him out so much but I realized that I am suffering because of it.
If I even just isolate the every day experience of waking up, my quality of life here is poor, at best. It isn't relaxed, or "yay another day" experience, it's a "get on with it" feeling, and I didn't ever have that before I met him. And as you said, I am too strong of a person for my own good (and too much an idiot) as I thought I could get on top of it.

I could almost cry because it feels normal to help him, but it isn't, not at these levels. And almost every day he breaks any chance of a routine because I can't rely on him to wake up at the same time and shower, eat. He will always change it around, he can't establish a routine and he stops me from doing so too. And I have started to really value my mornings. It is important to get it right, I have even started coming up with different breakfast ideas, just to take control and to make it good again, and it is only right now that I realize why my mind diverted to that idea, it is to get on top of the mayhem.

He doesn't have the right to spoil my day or any of my experiences. I have to overlook the good in him and prioritise myself and actually be selfish here for my own sake.

Thanks also about the comment about counseling - it is what I felt deep down, that it would just be a time and energy sucking thing and he will be able to conform, or perform, manipulate the thing, even possibly the psychologist / psychiatrist (the latter would be needed probably, I don't know).

It is just so tragic to walk off but you and the others here are going to be proven right - even with my showing him I am at my ultimate limit, he won't adapt or change because as you also pointed out, all of these mean things he does is to to make himself feel better, and to an extent it must do. He doesn't have enough empathy to stop.

Sardonicat

OP, why have you been responsible for him getting into the shower or eating breakfast? I'm completely at a loss to understand this dynamic. Did he make you feel responsible for his morning routine or did you decide what time he had to get up, shower, what to wear, whether to eat?

I may be reading this completly wrong but it's you who is coming across as incredibly controlling.

tea and coffee

My thoughts are that either he "relies" on you for help in another effort to control you (narcissist) - esp when you mention the charm.
Or the dirty clothes thing and bus timetable sounds like being on the spectrum.

GingerLily

Sardonicat wrote: »

I may be reading this completly wrong but it's you who is coming across as incredibly controlling.

That's what I got from reading it

Scarinae

shadaladyada wrote: »

I am considering giving it a month of a serious effort to save it.

I don't see why you'd need to give it a month of last ditch trying. I know you said that you love him, but it doesn't sound like you actually like him, and I think this relationship is dead in the water.

LegacyUser

You sound controlling not him. I second the aspergers comment, his lack of awareness and executive functioning, personal and time management issues point to being on the spectrum. In that case it’s not being lazy or difficult his brain is potentially wired differently. The cinema thing seems harmless enough rather than what you see as his intent to ruin things. If you do everything for him you’re only going to mask an issue to an extent and begrudge.

Rachiee

OP the way you talk about your husband is horrible you have zero respect for him so why are you giving it anytime at all?
Is being in a relationship so important to you that you will do it with anyone? Even someone you think is a bad person ?

It sounds like you were trying to boost your ego taking him on as a charity case and then when it didn't work you didn't get the boost you were after. Or is it just because you felt he is so much lower down than you as a person you wouldn't feel insecure?

Focus on yourself what do you want in a "partner" ? What do you want from life? make a plan and go for it. You are completely consumed by this unhealthy relationship and cannot see the wood from the trees.

Big Bag of Chips

You probably should leave, because he is never going to be the person you want to turn him in to. And really he shouldn't feel pressured to change who he fundamentally is. He might change for brief periods, but if it is not natural to him, then he won't be able to sustain it. You seem to only see bad in him. Maybe he was anxious about getting the bus. OK, there wasn't much you could do about it while you were in the cinema, but maybe he couldn't concentrate on the film because he was worried about how you were getting home. But you saw it as him just wanting to ruin your night.

There has to be good in him. You fell in love with him at one point. You married him. Did you ever love him? Or did you love the idea of changing him into someone you could be proud of and love? You really need to think about that. Because if it's a case that you loved the idea of him being completely different, then it's not now his fault that he is who he is, and you don't like it. I am certain there's aspects of your personality that he doesn't like. How does he deal with that? Does he point them out to you? Does he try get you to change?

I think if you are going to give this one month as a last ditch attempt you also need to look at your own behaviour, and see is there anything you can change. Because there almost certainly is. It might come down to you two separating anyway, but in relationship break downs, one person is very rarely 100% at fault. Maybe you two just are not compatible. You thought you could maje yourselves fit, but you can't. That's nobody's fault. Give it a month, but give it a month as equals. Not as you in the teacher mode teaching him how to be a 'better' person. See can you live with him just as he is (because realistically you cannot change him) if not then admit you made a mistake and move on.

SeaFields

Witcher wrote: »

Has he ever been assessed? The things you describe instantly made me think he was on the spectrum.

Was going to post this exactly. While it may not change your mind OP, there are certain indicators being described in your post.

Springfields

You married him waiting him to change? First mistake right there. Leave him and find someone you are happy with as they are now..

Alucan

It reads like you took him on as a project and now you that you haven't succeeded in converting him into the man of your dreams you are starting to resent him.

anewme

Every little thing he does is getting on your nerves.

Even zipping a bag to take out a drink in the cinema(which is harmless)

I agree that you speak about him very disrespectfully.

All of this selecting his clothes etc must be draining on you both.

You expect things done a certain way and it’s your way. He seems not to be allowed an opinion.

He must be walking on eggshells around you. It’s not a healthy environment for either of you.

sbsquarepants

OP I have to say you seem to be viewing this from the point of view of "I'm perfect, why can't he just be more like me?" That would irritate the shít out of me. To be honest I think you are as much the problem as you are the solution

"He needs help to get out in the morning" - no he doesn't. Do you think if you were hit by a truck, or had to go abroad for work for 6 months, he'd have to give up work and go live in sheltered accommodation or do you think he'd cope? Who dressed him before you met? Who found his car keys for him? Who found him a job enabling him to buy the car?

I personally think you need to take a big step back, start looking after yourself and leave him to look after himself - you sound very smothering.

leggo

OP you are in a codependent relationship. He leans on you to be cared for and even get out of bed in the morning, you project all of your negativity onto him as if you don't have issues, you literally said as much here...

shadaladyada wrote: »

I don't have personal issues that I am trying to avoid by centering the attention onto him.

Yet your attitude towards relationships in general is totally unhealthy. You keep using the phrase 'change', over and over, as if that should be the goal of a relationship, as if you should get credit for trying to change another person. Have you ever been with someone who's trying to change you? It's soul destroying. And it ALWAYS comes from their own issues, failed relationships etc, not necessarily a flaw within yourself. So you're actually being horrible to him when your default attitude is "You are a fundamentally flawed person and I must make you into the person I want you to be." When that's the attitude the person you're supposed to be closest to on the planet has towards you, is it any wonder he struggles to get out of bed in the morning?!

Healthy relationships are about acceptance, not changing someone. You accept and love your partner, warts and all, for who they are and not lament who they aren't. People are saying this to you in this thread but it seems to go right over your head, you're taking this very valid feedback as an attack when it's not and only responding to advice that backs up that he is the problem in your life. Yet he is who YOU chose to marry. YOU chose to help him wake up in the morning when many others would have responded differently like, "Get up out of bed and don't be so lazy relying on me." I'm not saying you're a bad person, but take some responsibility for your life being this way now and then you can actually do something about it instead of just laying blame for your unhappiness completely at your partner's feet. I'm not saying your partner is perfect and blameless either. It takes two to tango in codependent relationships.

Conversations need to be had and the topic of ending a relationship that seems to be a drain on both people needs to be on the table during these. In these conversations, refer only to yourself and not them. Talk about how you feel when he does some things a certain way instead of telling him he's wrong for doing things that way. Take responsibility instead of blaming. Basically have a mature, healthy conversation about your relationship instead of an impasse where both demands the other change to suit their needs, that'll go nowhere.

I wouldn't necessarily be going out recommending people end marriages willy-nilly, but the end result of these chats may be the acceptance that you need to go your separate ways, and that's okay, happens all the time. He needs to find someone who can accept and love him, and you need to find someone you can accept and love fully. I think both of you may be happier for it.

LegacyUser

I wish commenters here would read my first message. I said he has been verbally and emotionally abusive but not violent. This has been overlooked - likely it is my own fault here as I didn't give the best example with the cinema issue.
No, there are plenty of ways home, he was not anxious about making a bus on time to make it home. It was an early evening event and he didn't want to watch all of the film, he was disregarding that fact that I wanted to stay to the end. He literally had the transport app out in the middle of the darkened row to ask me which bus we would be taking - there were so many ways to get home and so many hours to do so. Commenters should take an OP here at face value.

I am not at all controlling, this is crazy. It is the opposite. He has tried to control me, and control what we do, this film is a tiny and I said in my first post, a minor example of it.
His controlling behaviour went on for about two years until I got on top of it, kind of, and saw it for what it was. He even sabotaged a part time evening job I had in a bar to get savings up as he didnt want me working in a bar. I had to quit as a colleague realized he was with me when he called me by my name after 7 pints he had ordered from the other bartenders!

There are so many other examples. I came here looking for advice with the understood pretext that it would not be turned against me. Commenters here have misread my posts and then joined in together.

As for why I helped him in the mornings, I have explained, he is tired, he is slow to get his stuff in order, and he was fired from his internship a couple of years ago for coming and going as he liked. His reference refers to his "flexibility" which is code for his bad timekeeping.
The other reason is that he would barrage me with messages telling me it was my fault for not reminding him to bring his work badge, or his wallet, and so on, as he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own mistakes.

Please for goodness sake ask more questions if you want to understand better rather than having a go at someone who has already gone through the runner.

tea and coffee

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP.
She says he is angry and abusive towards her. That he can be charming when he wants to others/ wants something.
They both seem codependent tbh.
Either way, it sounds unhealthy for both.

osarusan

OP, it seems like the only way this relationship will survive is if he actually changes in the various ways you want him to change.

So ask yourself if things are going to be any better in X number of weeks/months/years than they are now.

It doesn't sound like it to me.

Big Bag of Chips

OK, the question is did you ever love HIM? The person he actually is, rather than the picture you had in your head of the person you wanted him to become?

People are offering you advice, you just don't necessarily agree with it. That's fine. But if you post in a public forum you are likely to hear things you don't agree with.

If he's abusive, obnoxious, controlling, lazy etc why are you giving it another month? Do you think all that is going to change, and remain changed, in the space of a month? I think you probably do need to walk away from this. But you do also need to look at your ownbehavior and why you ended up in a marriage with a man who is everything you don't want him to be.

splinter65

Judge Judy says that every girl needs to know that when you are going out as girlfriend and boyfriend before you marry, that that is as good as it’s ever going to get. No man ever changed for the better once he got married.

sbsquarepants

shadaladyada wrote: »

I am not at all controlling, this is crazy. It is the opposite. He has tried to control me, and control what we do, this film is a tiny and I said in my first post, a minor example of it.
His controlling behaviour went on for about two years until I got on top of it, kind of, and saw it for what it was. He even sabotaged a part time evening job I had in a bar to get savings up as he didnt want me working in a bar. I had to quit as a colleague realized he was with me when he called me by my name after 7 pints he had ordered from the other bartenders!.

He came to your job and you pretended to not know each other?
That's just weird!

You left once people found out you knew him? That's even weirder.

Why did you not just tell him not to come there anymore if it made you feel awkward?

shadaladyada wrote: »

The other reason is that he would barrage me with messages telling me it was my fault for not reminding him to bring his work badge, or his wallet, and so on, as he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own mistakes..

Text him back - "you're an adult. I got myself to work without needing your help, you should be quite capable of doing the same"

shadaladyada wrote: »

Please for goodness sake ask more questions if you want to understand better rather than having a go at someone who has already gone through the runner.

I personally think you have it in your head that this guy can't cope without you, you need to do everything for him and you resent him for that.
The way out is to stop doing those things - if he's late, let him be late and face the consequences. If he forgets his work badge let him forget it and deal with the consequences himself.

You aren't his mother, stop acting like you are! It will be good for both of you.

In my own relationship I've had similar kind of things - my missus if left to her own devices would try to control the weather. For my part, I will not be controlled. We don't row about it anymore, but we used to you quite a bit - I was just very blunt about it - I will not live by your schedule, stop expecting me to. I appreciate your help with various things, but I don't expect it and I haven't asked for it, so if you resent doing it - stop, plain and simple.

Worked for us.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OK, the question is did you ever love HIM? The person he actually is, rather than the picture you had in your head of the person you wanted him to become?

Of course! Why do you think I allowed the controlling and name calling and emotional abuse to go for as long as it did?

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
An alternative perspective is to try not feel disappointed with your OH or with yourself for how it hasn't worked out, but have a frame of mind where it's - Listen, sure we gave it a chance, I'm not enjoying this life any more & therefore I'm going to head off and do my own thing.

I think you need to cut loose & live for yourself. You can frame as a break (if he's on board with that) or just a complete end.

Without judging either of your behaviour it's clear you're not happy & your post to me is a fry for freedom!

FWIW lots of ppl experience relationships that in hindsight they should have ended earlier. But we only live once & we learn from experience. Don't beat yourself up for your past decisions.

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post.

Nope, I want him to be independent, as I said, he had problems with things and the natural response was for me, to help. It just went on and on and I didnt rethink it.
Of course I like doing things like making him a tea, and other gestures, I am focusing on the mornings for a reason as they are a blight.
And as I said above, he EXPECTED my help, demanded it, made me feel that I should help him. It came from him first, not from me.

As for the bar, yes I didnt tell anyone I knew him as he was there the first night for moral support. I didnt want anyone to know that on my first night there I felt I needed support.
Again, you jump to conclusions. Why not ask first? As you can see now, there was a very good reason. And I left soon after that as he had humiliated me, was drunk and disorderly outside the bar where my colleague saw him, at the back of the bar later where he was not seen I ended up having to call the cops because he wouldn't stop talking about suicide and wouldn't come home!

PLEASE ASK before you judge and jump to the WRONG conclusions.

Big Bag of Chips

shadaladyada wrote: »

Of course! Why do you think I allowed the controlling and name calling and emotional abuse to go for as long as it did?

That is something that you need to prioritise in your counselling. Rather than focus on how yo change him.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

OP, people can only advise you based on what you post. If you leave out relevant details you cannot expect posters to fill in the blanks. This is an advice forum where people post advice, and naturally form opinions and base their advice on what the poster has posted.

Please respect the people who are taking time to offer advice to you. If you are not happy with the advice you can clarify or disregard as you see fit.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post.

I am fully respectful of the people here, I don't need to be told to respect others, esp in this context, where as you said, they are replying to my request for help.
It is just that one person above stated it was weird that I didnt tell anyone he was there, etc. There are often good reasons for things that seem 'weird'. I merely addressed that and pointed it out to that person who might learn from that.

sbsquarepants

shadaladyada wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post.

I don't mean to jump to conclusions - but if you leave out huge chunks of the story you can't get annoyed that people take you up wrong. You said you left your job, when people found out you knew him - there was no mention drunken humiliations or cops being called. You said you left because he called you by name!

But seriously, if this is the way he carries on what the hell were you thinking bringing him along "for support"

To be honest this sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. There's a big difference in making someone a cup of tea and them not being able to get themselves to work without help.

You need to stop "helping" him. It's not helping either him or you. I think you should sit him down and tell him that you are going to be only looking after yourself for a while and that he needs to do the same. If he fúcks up his job, burns his dinner or whatever other calamity befalls him - he will just have to deal with it like a grown up!

For your part - you need to step back and allow him to do just that.

Maybe I'm projecting somewhat from my own past, and If I am I apologise, but I don't think you're as faultless as you seem to think you are. At the very least, you're enabling this bullshít.

The truth is uncomfortable sometimes - take a step back and let him be an adult - warts and all!

wiggle16

Hi again OP

You have to remember that people are posting based upon what you have written. If people say you are controlling and he sounds dependent rather than abusive, they aren't getting that from nowhere. Its based on what you've written.

I did think when I first responded to you that your part in this did sound like you were a bit smothering, but I took it at face value that when you said he was emotionally and verbally abusive that this was the case, and so myself I didn't see the point in bringing up how I would feel about your behaviour.

You're saying that there is a lot more to this and that he's abusive. Posters, as noted, are only going to go on what you've written, and what you've described (cinema, turning up at the bar, bus etc) sounds like bad behaviour and dependency rather than emotional abuse. That's what posters are basing their answers on. They are comparing your behaviours to determine where the fault/problem lies and therefore how to advise you.

You don't have to give any more information of course, but if you say you are being verbally/emotionally abused, but dont give examples of that and the examples you do give sound like an unhealthy parental relationship rather than an abusive marital one, you are going to get answers accordingly. I'm sure you can appreciate that.

I dont think it changes much with regards whether you should leave though so I'm not revising my advice either. You are not happy, you're not in love with him anymore and you possibly made a mistake getting married. If there is abuse there, that's all the more reason to go. If not, as others have said, give it a month if you want, but the dynamic needs to change completely if that's to work.

Once again, good luck OP.

Big Bag of Chips

The fact is that you continually expect him to be a different person, and he continually lets you down by just being him.

Whose idea was it for him to go along as moral support on the night you worked in the bar? It sounds like you wanted him there. But how much moral support was he going to be if you ignored each other, and he was there getting progressively more drunk for the entirety of your shift?

The cinema example, was it a film he would ordinarily be interested in? There are things I like, there are things my husband likes, and then there are things we both like. I don't bring him along to things he hasn't much interest in, because I know he won't be interested and I won't enjoy it!

I'll agree with you that he sounds fairly useless. But I think you also put him in situations to test him. Situations that you suspect he's very likely to 'fail' in, and then you can somehow feel more validated for feeling the way you do about him.

You two are in no way compatible. Another month isn't going to change that.

splinter65

shadaladyada wrote: »

Of course! Why do you think I allowed the controlling and name calling and emotional abuse to go for as long as it did?

Ok this is definitely a problem that you need to address. Being in love, or just loving someone, doesn’t mean that you automatically are rendered with such low self worth, such bad self esteem, that you allow yourself to be abused.
Move on from this guy, but you need to get self confidence and self esteem and dignity before you get involved with someone else, or you will just find yourself attracted to the same type of guy again and again.

Porklife

You both sound miserable, you're unhappy with him but I doubt it's a day at the races for him with you either.
The bar situation is just bizarre. Why did you need support to pull a pint and what kind of support can a drunk guy pretending not to know you be?! He was talking about suicide and you seem to have just glossed over that. Very odd altogether. Was he there to make sure no punters hit on you, did you ask him to be there? Very needy and weird either way.
Should you leave? Well obviously yes!

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't mean to jump to conclusions - but if you leave out huge chunks of the story you can't get annoyed that people take you up wrong. You said you left your job, when people found out you knew him - there was no mention drunken humiliations or cops being called. You said you left because he called you by name!

But seriously, if this is the way he carries on what the hell were you thinking bringing him along "for support"

To be honest this sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. There's a big difference in making someone a cup of tea and them not being able to get themselves to work without help.

You need to stop "helping" him. It's not helping either him or you. I think you should sit him down and tell him that you are going to be only looking after yourself for a while and that he needs to do the same. If he fúcks up his job, burns his dinner or whatever other calamity befalls him - he will just have to deal with it like a grown up!

For your part - you need to step back and allow him to do just that.

Maybe I'm projecting somewhat from my own past, and If I am I apologise, but I don't think you're as faultless as you seem to think you are. At the very least, you're enabling this bullshít.

The truth is uncomfortable sometimes - take a step back and let him be an adult - warts and all!

Thank you, this is all really solid advice and am going to address my role in this, and as you said I have enabled it, even if I wasn't aware I was. He was autonomous this morning, at least, and he agrees he should be assessed for Aspergers and as he does have dyslexia also he will ask about doing a full assessment.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The fact is that you continually expect him to be a different person, and he continually lets you down by just being him.

Whose idea was it for him to go along as moral support on the night you worked in the bar? It sounds like you wanted him there. But how much moral support was he going to be if you ignored each other, and he was there getting progressively more drunk for the entirety of your shift?

The cinema example, was it a film he would ordinarily be interested in? There are things I like, there are things my husband likes, and then there are things we both like. I don't bring him along to things he hasn't much interest in, because I know he won't be interested and I won't enjoy it!

I'll agree with you that he sounds fairly useless. But I think you also put him in situations to test him. Situations that you suspect he's very likely to 'fail' in, and then you can somehow feel more validated for feeling the way you do about him.

You two are in no way compatible. Another month isn't going to change that.

No, there is no putting him into situations to test him, I told him he didn't have to come to the film but he insisted on going. So it was entirely his own doing. Why would I want to test him?

I asked him I think to go for moral support which was naive of me, but this was years ago, and it was back when I was more naive about all of this. Also I could never have anticipated his response, the 7 pints, getting difficult, etc. It is extreme and in no way could someone anticipate that. At the time he had heard his mother had a tumour - it was nothing to be worried about the doctors had said, but he used it to add to his self pity.

I absolutely would never invite someone to something if they are not interested in it. This movie night was part of a bigger and longer event that I am interested in; he insisted on going.
But I am going to address that with him, now that you phrased it this way, and ask him why did he insist on going if he wasn't interested.

Also I never said he is useless, or fairly useless. That isn't the problem at all.

ncmc

In all the posts you have posted here, you have not mentioned ONE single positive thing about him. Not one. The closest you came to it was saying he could be charming, but even that was a caveat that he used it to be manipulative and get what he wants. Oh sorry, you did say one thing, that he is a good cook :rolleyes: So aside from the verbal and emotional abuse, the dependancy, the jealousy and all the other mad stuff, if you can't say one single nice thing about your partner, then yes, it's time to leave. And giving things another month isn't going to change anything.


Just on the part about helping him get ready in the morning. Could this possibly be a symptom of his depression? My husband has what he calls 'Walter Mitty' syndrome where he is constantly losing stuff, keys, wallet, coat etc. Not just the odd time, we all do that, I mean at least once a fortnight, he will lose something to the degree that it could be missing for a day or more and we have to turn the house upside down looking for it. I have tried to get him to leave his stuff in the same place every time, but it's like his brain isn't wired that way. I genuinely believe it is a symptom of his depression, that he can't just focus on things and concentrate. Now of course this is nothing like on your husbands level, but it could be a symptom of his overall depression, but to be honest, I agree with the previous posters, it sounds more like he is on the spectrum.