Is this cute or weird behaviour?

Banaba · 26-01-2019 09:32PM

leggo wrote: »

Yeah I’m with this, it’s a bit telling that you chose to see it that way. I’m not saying you’re wrong mind OP, you could be picking up on other micro-signals or you could be sabotaging and looking for problems where there are none. The reality is that this could be perceived as either sweet or creepy and you need to ask yourself why you said it was the latter. If it was because of stuff another guy did in the past or something like that, then it’s leaning towards self-sabotage. If it’s because you’re feeling iffy about this guy in general, maybe it’s time to deal with those feelings and make a decision.

Self sabotaging maybe. I had a bad break up last April and since then have had no interest in dating anyone or having any relation with any guy. I was just being happy focusing on me and had no desire to date. Then this guy came along in October we started hanging out at work platonically (I initially told him I had a bf so he wouldn’t pursue romantically) but then things progressed we gradually becam closer. I do enjoy his company and do like him but I always feel like I need things to go at my pace and I want to lead. I know he likes me more than me him, he knows too, so I think that’s why when he initiated such an elaborate gesture I freaked

leggo · 26-01-2019 09:46PM

Be careful. Sounds near-identical to my last ex, (bad break-up, not ready to date but doing so anyway etc) and she ended up sabotaging it beyond any hope of repair, possibly even our friendship and we were really close. It’s going to hurt her more than me in the long run too because of how it went down. You’re in seriously dangerous territory here.

If you like him and ideally want to keep going, you need to open up, not bury these feelings and try force it or you will explode eventually. If it’s too much, then nip it in the bud for now, stick with it while you sort your head out and maybe you can reconcile down the line if you want to and do it right.

With your mindframe as you describe it, I’d also recommend counselling. You’re veering towards toxic in terms of how you see relationships - and that’s totally understandable as bad break-ups can do that if not handled with extreme care - counselling will clear that up if you embrace it. If you don’t get on top of this then you’ll end up either becoming a person you don’t want to be or back on here down the line after chasing off someone you really liked.

Banaba · 26-01-2019 10:05PM

leggo wrote: »

Be careful. Sounds near-identical to my last ex, (bad break-up, not ready to date but doing so anyway etc) and she ended up sabotaging it beyond any hope of repair, possibly even our friendship and we were really close. It’s going to hurt her more than me in the long run too because of how it went down. You’re in seriously dangerous territory here.

If you like him and ideally want to keep going, you need to open up, not bury these feelings and try force it or you will explode eventually. If it’s too much, then nip it in the bud for now, stick with it while you sort your head out and maybe you can reconcile down the line if you want to and do it right.

With your mindframe as you describe it, I’d also recommend counselling. You’re veering towards toxic in terms of how you see relationships - and that’s totally understandable as bad break-ups can do that if not handled with extreme care - counselling will clear that up if you embrace it. If you don’t get on top of this then you’ll end up either becoming a person you don’t want to be or back on here down the line after chasing off someone you really liked.

Thank you for your advice. Yes I do like and I tend to want to go so far then when it’s reciprocated I tend to stop and pull back. I don’t think it’s fair on him either so I think maybe I should speak with him and explain at least then he will know how I feel and I won’t be leading him along either

leggo · 26-01-2019 10:11PM

Yeah, identical to my ex. Pushed it forward herself then pulled completely back the opposite direction as it started to go well. This story ends badly, that’s not a good mindset for a healthy relationship. Be so so careful here and definitely bring him in on how you’re feeling.

Banaba · 27-01-2019 02:41AM

leggo wrote: »

Yeah, identical to my ex. Pushed it forward herself then pulled completely back the opposite direction as it started to go well. This story ends badly, that’s not a good mindset for a healthy relationship. Be so so careful here and definitely bring him in on how you’re feeling.

Thank you again. I will be careful. Just to add, maybe my intuition is telling me something maybe it’s sabotage. He is out of Ireland this weekend and I just happened to check to tinder location (something told me for some reason) and he was online as the location had updated.
This made me feel disappointed as he appears so keen and into me I didn’t expect him to be looking at the app when he only arrived in the country this morning and was out all day with his friend. I only ever check tinder once a week I hate it.

And again I told my friend and she made a sarcastic remark that she thought he would have deleted by the way he is so keen on me and also said ‘I highly doubt he’s actually talking to anyone on it’. So now I doubly confused and hurt by both her comment and the fact he was so quick to use tinder on a holiday

(Footnote: While we initially met at work we did match on tinder also)

leggo · 27-01-2019 03:21AM

You absolutely could be picking up on micro-singals, like I said earlier. But, to play devil’s advocate, if you were seeing someone and weren’t exclusive then kept getting pushback from them when you tried to move it forward...would you be examining your options yourself? Because we only ever get one side on PI, I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes to see what their argument would be, and I’d be the type of person who wouldn’t even look at Tinder if a first date went well...but I could absolutely see myself being like “Look don’t hang your hopes on this one and see what else is out there” if I was getting resistance for little sweet gestures like the one in your OP.

Again, your intuition could be dead on (and checking up on him already isn’t a great sign regardless tbh), but just to give the other side. The more you say, though, the more it sounds like it’s a good idea to call this one a day for now. It’s getting messy and toxic at a very early stage already with checking Tinder locations etc. I’ve said my piece on this though now maybe others will feel differently.

worded · 27-01-2019 03:22AM

How long Habe you been BF/GF ?

Are you certain he is actively checking Tinder abroad? That would be a deal breaker for me if you are both in a relationship

madmac187 · 27-01-2019 03:25AM

Did anyone think the guy is just nice and he might just like you!!

joeguevara · 27-01-2019 03:31AM

If he has updated location then that is something that he actually had to take time to do rather than being bored and flicking through on auto pilot.

If you are boyfriend and girlfriend rather than something casual then that cannot be excused. Sounds that he might be a bit of a player and the meeting up at breaks and now this sounds way to strange for a propIf it’s more casual then you have decisions to make and rather than doing your head in have a chat and decide whether you want to continue.

Banaba · 27-01-2019 03:59AM

We are not bf and gf just seeing each other but he does seem to like me a lot he buys me chocolates never lets me pay for anything Is always complimenting me etc just really small things that indicate he likes me a lot. Hence why I seen he was on tinder while on holiday only a few hours makes me feel confused as to this guys intention. Because on one hand if he likes me as much as he portrays and texts me quite regularly then why would he even think to go on tinder

Banaba · 27-01-2019 04:00AM

madmac187 wrote: »

Did anyone think the guy is just nice and he might just like you!!

Then why is he on tinder hours into his holiday abroad

JoseJones · 27-01-2019 05:04AM

Banaba wrote: »

We are not bf and gf just seeing each other but he does seem to like me a lot he buys me chocolates never lets me pay for anything Is always complimenting me etc just really small things that indicate he likes me a lot. Hence why I seen he was on tinder while on holiday only a few hours makes me feel confused as to this guys intention. Because on one hand if he likes me as much as he portrays and texts me quite regularly then why would he even think to go on tinder

Maybe because you're not giving him any clear signal that you like him back. He's not a mind reader.

Cash_Q · 27-01-2019 06:46AM

I've no idea how Tinder works, but is it possible he was doing exactly the same as you were? Why is it ok for you to check the app once a week or so, but you're disappointed to see he's online?

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2019 09:28AM

You've admitted that he likes you more than you like him. You said he knows this. He has had to move away and tried to arrange to meet you and you said no (and started a thread about him being creepy, which we must assume he doesn't know about.. But maybe he's picking up these micro signals from you that Leggo mentioned above). He's nice to you, he gives you compliments, pays for you on dates, gives you little presents and gets very little back from you by way of confirmation that you actually want a relationship with him. And you still check Tinder once a week yourself.

If I was him I would certainly be keeping my options open. You are.

You are looking for something from him, that you yourself are not prepared to give. It sounds like you're setting him up for a test that he's destined to fail. Your previous issues are not his to fix. If you are not ready yet to be in a relationship then tell him. You can't expect him to 100% commit to a relationship with you, when you don't really want a relationship with him.

Edit: it really sounds like you're looking for reasons to finish with him. You don't need to build up a catalogue of reasons, if you're not feeling it after a time together then just finish it. I know it's difficult but he's moved away now so you're not going yo bump into him in work. Finish it, but don't blame him for it.

ginandtonicsky · 27-01-2019 11:02AM

I don’t think you’re into this guy and you’re trying to rationalise that with any reason you can find. Working as hard as you are to find fault with a guy and contradicting yourself all over the place is exactly the kind of behaviour someone would engage in when they’re just not feeling it with someone.

It also sounds like you’re not over your previous relationship and you’re projecting all over the place. I had a bad breakup too and acted exactly like this when I started trying to date way before I was actually emotionally ready to do so. Hot and cold treatment of someone, nit-picking, Uber defensive and one rule for them, one rule for me. I took myself offline, ended it with the guy I was seeing and spent another 6 months not even thinking about dating so I could properly process the breakup and build up my life again.

Dating apps are full of people that aren’t over their exes and are projecting all over the new people they meet and I’ve no time for it at all these days, I think it’s quite selfish behaviour. As someone else said, it’s no one’s responsibility to fix you or to pander to your issues when they’re getting very little in return. Maybe this guy’s spidey senses are up and he’s feeling weird vibes from you too and isn’t prepared to place any big bets on you.

My advice would be to delete the apps and do the hard work it takes to get over your bad breakup without the distraction of dating for now. It’s blatantly obvious it’s a non-starter with this guy.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2019 11:48AM

Banaba, if you're going to finish with him just keep it simple. You don't need to go at him hammer and tongs. You've already had a bit of a go at him a few days ago. So he shouldn't be surprised that this is coming.

I'm just afraid if you have a go at him because of Tinder, that he might lose patience and you might hear a few things yourself that will just set you back. Don't let it turn ugly. You two were friends. Maybe it should have just stayed at that.

You tried. It didn't work out. It's nobody's fault.

wiggle16 · 27-01-2019 05:39PM

Banaba wrote: »

Then why is he on tinder hours into his holiday abroad

Possibly because of the incredibly mixed signals he is getting from you, to be honest. Not having a go at you OP, but you need to look at this in totality, you're blowing quite hot and cold:

- You believed it was "over the top possessive abnormal behaviour" for him to meet you on your nightshift break. You were also understandably not keen on it because it was inconvenient and putting you under pressure.
- you told him you were uncomfortable with how intent he was on seeing you.
- you then felt bad and that you overreacted, and suggested meeting you earlier, which he declined.
- you know he likes you more than you like him. He buys you chocolates and pays for meals etc. You still check Tinder once a week or so.
- you went and checked Tinder and were disappointed when you saw he was online.

You're saying you're confused about this guy's intention, but you don't seem to know what you want yourself and admit you are keeping him at arm's length. Whatever confusion you are feeling, can you not imagine how he must feel?
That's without getting into the pot/kettle/who's blacker of you logging onto Tinder (which you don't even like), yet when he does it, you are annoyed and say you are hurt.

I think you should really call it quits if you aren't that bothered about him, and I don't think you are. And that's okay, you don't owe him anything. But you are not being fair to him at all. You know he likes you, but you want everything on your terms because you're still not sure about him and still not sure you want another relationship. He clearly wants a relationship with you, you know that. That's why you're keeping him at arms length. You can't say you're confused about this: he was on Tinder because you are blowing hot and cold and keeping your distance while allowing him to chase you. It really is that simple.

Take Big Bag of Chips' advice. Call it a day and keep it simple. You're making a fool of this lad because you're letting him chase you while you can't decide what you want. You should let him go.

Mr. Incognito · 27-01-2019 06:09PM

How dare he go on Tinder when you told him to you found him over the top and werent interested.

You seem to blame him every which way.

If hes into you you push him away.

Then you are on Tinder and get the hump he is.

You dont get to mess people around just because you had a break up.

suicide_circus · 27-01-2019 06:32PM

you're playing mind games. with yourself.

Banaba · 27-01-2019 06:55PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

you're playing mind games. with yourself.

You guys are right I need to cop myself on or someone will get hurt. When I first met this guy there was no way I wanted to even text a guy never mind see anyone. I remember telling my counsellor how this was the first time in my life I had zero interest in dating and was concerned there was something wrong with me and I’d always feel this way. She assured me I was hurting and had a deep fear of getting hurt again following the way my last relationship ended.

Over a period of three months I gradually became closer to this guy against myself. I do have feeling for him, I am very comfortable around him and feel safe secure with him. I confide a lot of things in him and trust him. But there is just something still inside in that panics when he tries moving things forward for example going on a day trip going out on dates planning things. All natural normal things but I guess I purposely pull myself back in an attempt not to develop things too quickly.

I am going to meet him this week and tell him everything. I do feel for him and feel he needs to know where I’m at because it’s not fair on him. Then maybe I need to pull back for a while focus on me and what’s meant to be will be. Is this the best solution?

joeguevara · 27-01-2019 08:37PM

Banaba wrote: »

You guys are right I need to cop myself on or someone will get hurt. When I first met this guy there was no way I wanted to even text a guy never mind see anyone. I remember telling my counsellor how this was the first time in my life I had zero interest in dating and was concerned there was something wrong with me and I’d always feel this way. She assured me I was hurting and had a deep fear of getting hurt again following the way my last relationship ended.

Over a period of three months I gradually became closer to this guy against myself. I do have feeling for him, I am very comfortable around him and feel safe secure with him. I confide a lot of things in him and trust him. But there is just something still inside in that panics when he tries moving things forward for example going on a day trip going out on dates planning things. All natural normal things but I guess I purposely pull myself back in an attempt not to develop things too quickly.

I am going to meet him this week and tell him everything. I do feel for him and feel he needs to know where I’m at because it’s not fair on him. Then maybe I need to pull back for a while focus on me and what’s meant to be will be. Is this the best solution?

Why do you feel the need to tell him everything? Do you mean tell him that you felt overcrowded when he wanted to see you on your breaks and you were hurt/angry that you knew he was on Twitter. The poor guy will then think that it was his actions that caused the break up even after he seemed so conscientious and kind. You are right to finish with him and work on yourself but that doesn’t mean that you should make him question himself. At the end of the day it is likely that no matter what he did you weren’t ready to be in a relationship because of the scars of what happened you in the past.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-01-2019 08:57PM

I think you should tell him everything about where YOU are at the minute. Because he has done nothing wrong. And as people have already mentioned, if you were into him then this thread wouldn't exist. If you can be honest with him about your own issues, without in any way saying 'when you did x it made me feel y' then go for it, but as soon as you bring him into the discussion you will immediately make him feel like he's at fault.

This is your issue, not his.

LegacyUser · 27-01-2019 09:13PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you should tell him everything about where YOU are at the minute. Because he has done nothing wrong. And as people have already mentioned, if you were into him then this thread wouldn't exist. If you can be honest with him about your own issues, without in any way saying 'when you did x it made me feel y' then go for it, but as soon as you bring him into the discussion you will immediately make him feel like he's at fault.

This is your issue, not his.

Second this. OP, keep is short and simple. Simply tell him that you're still recovering from your break up and you don't want to date anyone for a long time. Make sure to be very clear on this and don't say anything about "maybe down the line" or any nonsense like that. Clean break and let him move on without holding out hope.

Do NOT make it about him - these are your issues.

Also, delete tinder and stay well clear of dating until your head is right.

Banaba · 28-01-2019 02:48AM

I won’t mention tinder or the other night. I will tell him what I said in the last thread about how I feel right not and not ready for dating. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable or at fault because he is a good guy And I don’t want to hurt him

TimeToShine · 28-01-2019 03:08AM

Honestly OP if I could have a word with this guy I'd tell him to run a mile. As multiple people have already posted you're basically all over the place and I don't think anything this guy did or could have done would have yielded a better outcome. The icing on the cake is "checking" tinder and then having the nerve to get worked up about him being on it. The hypocrisy is plain for all to see and you seem determined either to sabotage his attempts (which is extremely poor and unfair behavior) or your own relationship(s) based on what happened to you before, in which case you should maybe look into therapy.

Break up with him and move on as suggested above. It doesn't seem like you're too attracted to him and I'd be willing to bet if it was somebody with whom you had real chemistry you would have been delighted with him making the extra effort to see you more.

Green&Red · 28-01-2019 09:45AM

Banaba wrote: »

Then why is he on tinder hours into his holiday abroad

Because you’ve been pushing him away. He tried to make an effort to come and see you, go out of his way in fact and you’ve described it as creepy and stressing you out.

He couldn’t be blamed for going f**k this for a game of soldiers maybe I’ll look for someone who’d appreciate me coming to see her

LolaJJ · 28-01-2019 10:23AM

I think the OP is getting it a bit harsh here.

When you're back in the game or not back in the game or hurt over a break-up, some people (myself included) find it kind of hard to understand our own needs. It's confusing.

Sometimes there's a void you want to fill and someone showing a bit of interest makes us feel good. Then we worry about getting hurt again so we start to seek out reasons that might happen "Is he creepy" and "Oh my god he's active on Tinder"

It just sounds like a bit of self-preservation muddled in confusion which i suspect is coming from the fact that you are just not ready to be getting in to anything and maybe you do like this guy on some level but the timing is wrong for you.

It's not nice for him to get caught up in your confusion, but, it's par for the course when you're dating these days and something I think most of us who have been in that world in the past 5 years have had to accept and move on from.

The best thing you can do is be completely honest and clear with him and express your muddled head space and hesitance to move things forward.

Then, delete your Tinder and just date yourself for a bit x

ginandtonicsky · 28-01-2019 12:54PM

Banaba wrote: »

I am going to meet him this week and tell him everything. I do feel for him and feel he needs to know where I’m at because it’s not fair on him. Then maybe I need to pull back for a while focus on me and what’s meant to be will be. Is this the best solution?

The best thing you can do when you're dating is be honest and be kind. The kindest thing here would be to keep your communication with him short and concise, and don't leave the door open with vague statements. I'd be inclined to tell him "you're a really great guy and I've enjoyed getting to know you. I can't commit to a relationship right now so wish you the best".

Dating is hard OP, it's a minefield most of the time and when you've been badly hurt or meet someone that's been badly hurt, it can be a million times more frustrating and painful.

I was listening to a podcast about heartbreak recently, where the psychologist described it as akin to "giving up heroine"...!! It's bloody difficult and your brain plays tricks on you for a long time after, you'll have all sorts of emotional hand-off-a-hot-stove reflex reactions, including the behaviour you're engaging in now. This hot-and-cold, questioning yourself, lashing out at him, scrutinising his behaviour without any self-awareness etc. It's all designed to protect you from the pain you've just come through ever happening again.

The issue is, this makes you a bad candidate for dating and any emotionally healthy person is going to see you as red-flag-central, and some people will be less kind than others about that. It can also become a pattern and cause you even more suffering down the line. So it's in your best interests to work through the breakup with your counsellor and employ some daily strategies to help to build yourself up and become resilient and confident again.

Mr. Incognito · 28-01-2019 01:35PM

Banaba wrote: »

I won’t mention tinder or the other night. I will tell him what I said in the last thread about how I feel right not and not ready for dating. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable or at fault because he is a good guy And I don’t want to hurt him

Or maybe dont contact him again.

You dont need a meeting to tell him you are not interested.

Stop wrecking the guys head.

wiggle16 · 28-01-2019 01:47PM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Or maybe dont contact him again.

You dont need a meeting to tell him you are not interested.

Stop wrecking the guys head.

I don't think it's intentional from the OP to wreck his head, the situation is unfair to him but that's not deliberate.

It will only wreck his head for her to completely cut contact, that's ghosting. He will think it was something he did and is just as unfair to him. The OP should be honest but keep it short and sweet.

Is this cute or weird behaviour?

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