Out of Sight/Out of Mind and See No Evil/Hear No Evil with Exes

Pocket Money · 27-11-2018 08:19AM #1

Heya guys

Just wondering where you stand on the whole Ex 'no contact/no looking them up thing'?

I suppose in this age of social media, if you want to find out about someone, or see what they're up to it's not that difficult.

Obviously breakups suck and moving on can be quite difficult, and part of you will long to know how they're doing, but surely there's got to be a way of blocking the temptation out of your head? It's easier said than done, right?

I'll admit I'm not over my ex, messed up (no cheating or fighting, nothing like that), and do long for her back, and as a consequence causes me to look her up now and again.

Just went onto her social media and she's at the airport going away for a break and my heart actually sank into my stomach (who's she with, where's she going, it should be me going away with her etc). Her profile is set to always 100% set to private, but she knows that I look her up occasionally, and she set this particular one to public, leading me to believe that either A) She wants the world to know she's at the airport going away or B)she knows I'll see it and it will show me she's getting on without me and going on breaks etc.

Now I feel like crap, day is pretty much ruined and I wish I could have gone back 30 mins, not looked her up and know nothing.

Any similar experiences?

leggo · 27-11-2018 08:30AM

It probably wasn’t aimed at you, that’s a reach that you’re still in her mind as much as she is in yours if you’re far enough apart that she’s going on trips you had no idea were even happening.

Look we’re all guilty of stuff like this in some way, it’s not the biggest deal. But you need to accept that it’s over, she’s not a part of your life anymore and won’t be coming back. On the off chance she is making stuff like this public as a message to you, the message is “Stop stalking me, my life has moved on.” The more you do stuff like this (which you’ve obviously told her since she knows you look at her social media), the more you’re confirming to her she made a good call in finishing it.

The trick to getting over break-ups is to change your routine, to fill the hole they’ve left and get stuck into your new life without them. Otherwise yeah, you’ll be stuck where you are: noticing all the nights you would’ve spent together and thinking about all the plans you had that are now nothing. That’s literally what you do: fill the time, go to the gym, pick up a new hobby, catch up with friends you didn’t see enough while you were with her, anything to keep busy until your calendar is full again and you’ve moved this part of your life in your brain to ‘the past’.

Pocket Money · 27-11-2018 08:53AM

leggo wrote: »

It probably wasn’t aimed at you, that’s a reach that you’re still in her mind as much as she is in yours if you’re far enough apart that she’s going on trips you had no idea were even happening.

Look we’re all guilty of stuff like this in some way, it’s not the biggest deal. But you need to accept that it’s over, she’s not a part of your life anymore and won’t be coming back. On the off chance she is making stuff like this public as a message to you, the message is “Stop stalking me, my life has moved on.” The more you do stuff like this (which you’ve obviously told her since she knows you look at her social media), the more you’re confirming to her she made a good call in finishing it.

The trick to getting over break-ups is to change your routine, to fill the hole they’ve left and get stuck into your new life without them. Otherwise yeah, you’ll be stuck where you are: noticing all the nights you would’ve spent together and thinking about all the plans you had that are now nothing. That’s literally what you do: fill the time, go to the gym, pick up a new hobby, catch up with friends you didn’t see enough while you were with her, anything to keep busy until your calendar is full again and you’ve moved this part of your life in your brain to ‘the past’.

I know you're right, I agree with everything you say, but even if I keep myself busy 24 hours a day, the void will still be there.

At this stage it's almost masochistic trying to find out how she's getting on, doing myself absolutely no favours whatsoever

TheBoyConor · 27-11-2018 10:03AM

Whether it's A or B, at then end of the day what difference does it make?
The relationship is dead and buried and she's gone off living her life. I suggest you go get on with yours and go live life. Don't spend the next 6 months living with a corpse or a relationship because it's 6 months wasted.

leggo · 27-11-2018 12:19PM

Well OP look at it this way (and I say this to help not to hurt):

This is not a person that is currently in your life. In fact, this is a person who’s communicated specifically that they don’t want to be in your life. So you’re obsessing with the social media of someone who actively doesn’t want you in their life.

Is that the kind of person you want to be?

Not to mention that if you do miss them and want them back, what you’re doing (and the fact they know you’re doing it) is the one thing that will absolutely guarantee they won’t ever have a change of heart. You say you messed it all up...well you’re still doing so here by not moving on. Stop digging.

Block her profiles, block her number, put up whatever barriers you need to so you can catch yourself if you go to do this again. Don’t say “I’ll do it later”, you’ve got time to read this so you’ve got time to do it right now. Help yourself here, you know it makes sense so just do it.

And if you can’t, if you’re physically incapable of doing all that, then you need to book yourself in with a counsellor ASAP.

ginandtonicsky · 27-11-2018 01:06PM

Breakups are a process and the bottom line is it's going to take time. Took me more than a year. And I was not a model in exemplary getting-over-your-ex behaviour!

Here's what ultimately helped for me:

1. Stop online stalking them.

Take this in baby steps if you need to. I found it virtually impossible to go from "checking his fb / instagram / whatsapp status / texting him" to the sudden NOTHING that every dog on the street will advise, so I started negotiating with myself. "I won't text him or check his whatsapp for at least a week. After that point, I can get back in touch if i want." It's essentially tricking your brain into giving up the habit, as it's an addiction like anything else. The routine of keeping tabs on them keeps you in a comfort zone of sorts.

After a week, I'd naturally be like, "hey, that wasn't so bad" and it'd have a snowball effect of thinking about them less - less inclined to contact.

2. Keep busy.

Start smashing the gym. Seriously. This transformed my life. I'd aim for once or twice a week. Then the following week, would aim to add a class into the mix. Then suddenly I'm going 4 times a week in the evenings which were formerly spent moping about feeling sorry for myself. The adrenaline and confidence boost from being fitter and knowing you look good is incredible.

Make constant weekend plans. Re-connect with friends you haven't seen in a while, call your mum and dad more, get involved in work social events, take a Saturday class and meet a friend for brunch. Book some flights, make holiday plans for the new year. Have a weekend To-Do list to stop yourself from sinking into a hole of loneliness and depression.

3. Start dating again.

It's not time for this one yet. Practice Step 1 and Step 2 and wait until you're a little stronger emotionally and mentally. It can take a while, but you'll know when you're not thinking of her night and day and can talk about the relationship with fondness rather than absolute devastation.

Download a few apps and get going. Life is short, get out there and meet some girls that you like the sound of, do it with the aim of making friends and having new experiences and let what happens happen. Now I can't even remember the last time I texted my ex (or cared about texting him) and when I check my phone, it's to see if that cute guy I met recently has been in touch.

*** Don't date too soon. Seriously, the dating scene is littered with men who are not over their exes and are on the warpath, don't be another one. Give yourself time to heal first.

Pocket Money · 27-11-2018 02:38PM

leggo wrote: »

Well OP look at it this way (and I say this to help not to hurt):

This is not a person that is currently in your life. In fact, this is a person who’s communicated specifically that they don’t want to be in your life. So you’re obsessing with the social media of someone who actively doesn’t want you in their life.

Is that the kind of person you want to be?

Not to mention that if you do miss them and want them back, what you’re doing (and the fact they know you’re doing it) is the one thing that will absolutely guarantee they won’t ever have a change of heart. You say you messed it all up...well you’re still doing so here by not moving on. Stop digging.

Block her profiles, block her number, put up whatever barriers you need to so you can catch yourself if you go to do this again. Don’t say “I’ll do it later”, you’ve got time to read this so you’ve got time to do it right now. Help yourself here, you know it makes sense so just do it.

And if you can’t, if you’re physically incapable of doing all that, then you need to book yourself in with a counsellor ASAP.

The reason I know she knows I check is because we broke up a few years ago and both admitted to each other we consistently kept tabs on each other but as we're stubborn people, we'd never go further than a bit of online creeping. I'm sure she's looked me up just like I look her up. That doesn't make it right, I completely agree, especially if I'm trying to get back on track and trying to stop letting it get to me or affect my mentality or outlook on life.

I'm gonna take your advice - part of me is dying to know where she's gone and I'm sure there's an online update right now if I was to check which would further dampen my mood so I'm just not gonna do it. I need to remember and tell myself when I feel like looking her up that there's absolutely nothing positive that I or my life can gain from knowing.

The finality sucks and that's the hardest part, but you're right and it's for the best

Pocket Money · 27-11-2018 02:41PM

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Breakups are a process and the bottom line is it's going to take time. Took me more than a year. And I was not a model in exemplary getting-over-your-ex behaviour!

Here's what ultimately helped for me:

1. Stop online stalking them.

Take this in baby steps if you need to. I found it virtually impossible to go from "checking his fb / instagram / whatsapp status / texting him" to the sudden NOTHING that every dog on the street will advise, so I started negotiating with myself. "I won't text him or check his whatsapp for at least a week. After that point, I can get back in touch if i want." It's essentially tricking your brain into giving up the habit, as it's an addiction like anything else. The routine of keeping tabs on them keeps you in a comfort zone of sorts.

After a week, I'd naturally be like, "hey, that wasn't so bad" and it'd have a snowball effect of thinking about them less - less inclined to contact.

2. Keep busy.

Start smashing the gym. Seriously. This transformed my life. I'd aim for once or twice a week. Then the following week, would aim to add a class into the mix. Then suddenly I'm going 4 times a week in the evenings which were formerly spent moping about feeling sorry for myself. The adrenaline and confidence boost from being fitter and knowing you look good is incredible.

Make constant weekend plans. Re-connect with friends you haven't seen in a while, call your mum and dad more, get involved in work social events, take a Saturday class and meet a friend for brunch. Book some flights, make holiday plans for the new year. Have a weekend To-Do list to stop yourself from sinking into a hole of loneliness and depression.

3. Start dating again.

It's not time for this one yet. Practice Step 1 and Step 2 and wait until you're a little stronger emotionally and mentally. It can take a while, but you'll know when you're not thinking of her night and day and can talk about the relationship with fondness rather than absolute devastation.

Download a few apps and get going. Life is short, get out there and meet some girls that you like the sound of, do it with the aim of making friends and having new experiences and let what happens happen. Now I can't even remember the last time I texted my ex (or cared about texting him) and when I check my phone, it's to see if that cute guy I met recently has been in touch.

*** Don't date too soon. Seriously, the dating scene is littered with men who are not over their exes and are on the warpath, don't be another one. Give yourself time to heal first.

I did toy with the idea of jumping back into the dating scene but I'm only kidding and deluding myself if I thought for a second it would be the right thing to do so I'm gonna stay away from it, at least I start to feel a bit better. And as you say, the less I know about my ex and eliminating the craving from my life to look her up will help, and time is a healer I guess.

I've started the whole gym/fitness thing, trying to work as many hours as possible and fill my weekends up as best I can. It's the lying in bed at night by yourself is when it hits home though, isn't it?

nthclare · 27-11-2018 03:12PM

Block block block block block block block block block block block block block... zero contact zero contact zero contact.

Trust me I'm a tree surgeon lol

ginandtonicsky · 27-11-2018 03:53PM

Pocket Money wrote: »

I've started the whole gym/fitness thing, trying to work as many hours as possible and fill my weekends up as best I can.

Great! You're making inroads then

Listen, you're going to feel pretty sh1t for quite a while but that's fine, it just means you're alive! Heartbreak is bloody tough and there's no quick fix. But maintaining your health and self-discipline in the face of it is a good life lesson, it'll train you for future adversity.

Pocket Money wrote: »

It's the lying in bed at night by yourself is when it hits home though, isn't it?

In the early days, yes. In later days you'll come to really value that extra room in the bed :pac:

The physical aspects of uncoupling will be hard for a while - not having someone to come home to, no sex or hugs on demand, cooking for one instead of two. Tough, no doubt about it. But we are built to adapt to change as humans and you'd be surprised at how quickly you can get over that stuff and get used to do things for yourself.

SozBbz · 27-11-2018 05:31PM

I've only had one truely horrific break up in my life and it was about 10 years ago now, so social media was a thing but not as omnipresent as it is today.

We tried staying in each others lives, but it just didn't work. I was going through all the pain (I think in hindsight he'd checked out of the relationship long before I realised what was going on). This went on for a few months and eventually I had to cut it off.

The day I told him that I didnt want to see him/hear from him/maintain any contact, it was like a light switch went on in my head and everything was so much clearer. I asked for a 6 month break in contact, but as it turns out we haven't spoken since. Granted, I was still not over it but I was a lot less blinkered than I had been and started to move on with my life.

I view the time between our breakup and me ending contact as lost time -I was crying myself to sleep, not eating properly, and generally all consumed by heartbreak. It was only when I put myself first and drew a line under it did things start to get better. Maintaining contact is like picking a scab, it doesnt allow healing.

We've bumped into each other 2/3 times over the years and while I'm always polite, I was clear that I wasn't entertaining him as friends or whatever, didnt wish to chat and generally kept moving. I view him now as a past tense person. As we get older its hard enough to make time for your real friends without trying to foster friendships with ex's.

Pocket Money · 27-11-2018 05:47PM

I just had to have one last look didn't I and what I've seen has crushed me.

Finality if ever there was it right there. Thanks for all the support and advice guys - I'll get through it even if it kills me

TheBoyConor · 28-11-2018 11:50AM

As I said earlier OP, she is in your past now. As the other poster said you have to view her as past tense person. She is no longer in your life.
So what if she has someone new? It makes no difference to you anymore what she does.

Pocket Money · 29-11-2018 08:09AM

TheBoyConor wrote: »

As I said earlier OP, she is in your past now. As the other poster said you have to view her as past tense person. She is no longer in your life.
So what if she has someone new? It makes no difference to you anymore what she does.

And that’s the hardest part to accept- accepting they have a brand new life now, with you no longer part of it, yet you still allowing it to impact and making a difference to your life

LolaJJ · 29-11-2018 08:39AM

Break ups are poxy. Creeping is human nature.

But as a single person, you are your main priority and if you manage to fight off the urges to keep tabs on her you will really be doing yourself (and her) a favour.

The best thing that ever happened to me in my last breakup was being blocked. I later found out he did it to help himself but by shutting me out he really helped me move on.

What you guys are doing now....posting things publicly to get a bit of notice (I suspect you have done this too) is keeping the lines of communication open and stopping you both from moving on. You just need to break the cycle.

If you ever genuinely need each other you can get back in touch but you need a couple of months of nothingness to move on

Pocket Money · 29-11-2018 11:39AM

LolaJJ wrote: »

Break ups are poxy. Creeping is human nature.

But as a single person, you are your main priority and if you manage to fight off the urges to keep tabs on her you will really be doing yourself (and her) a favour.

The best thing that ever happened to me in my last breakup was being blocked. I later found out he did it to help himself but by shutting me out he really helped me move on.

What you guys are doing now....posting things publicly to get a bit of notice (I suspect you have done this too) is keeping the lines of communication open and stopping you both from moving on. You just need to break the cycle.

If you ever genuinely need each other you can get back in touch but you need a couple of months of nothingness to move on

You read all these blogs and advice pages and watch videos on handling break ups etc but do you truly believe the best and only means of a possible reconciliation in the future is to go cold turkey completeky, absolute no contact, and what happens down the line happens, if was ever meant to be it will come back?

TheBoyConor · 29-11-2018 12:16PM

I believe that no contact is the way to go. When a relationship is done it's done. Flogging it to death with contact and texting is nothing but a waste of time and a barrier to both people getting over it and moving on.

The only exception i would see as legit would be if you were previously friends with or are in the same friend group as your ex. In that case it would be justifiable to revert to the previous "friendly" type of contact ye had previous to getting together.

facehugger99 · 29-11-2018 12:29PM

Pocket Money wrote: »

The reason I know she knows I check is because we broke up a few years ago

A few years ago?

Seriously, it's not normal to be this hung up on someone to the extent you have outlined after a few years.

I think you might need some professional counseling or something.

amdublin · 29-11-2018 12:55PM

Keeping in contact via the creeping and looking is hurting you op. Block and delete everything. Ask a friend to do it for you if necessary.

It's time to take control in moving forward with your own life and happiness.

Good luck. You will get through this

Pocket Money · 29-11-2018 01:30PM

facehugger99 wrote: »

A few years ago?

Seriously, it's not normal to be this hung up on someone to the extent you have outlined after a few years.

I think you might need some professional counseling or something.

I meant we broke up a few years ago before, but got back together about 6 months later (a similar timeframe to the current one)

dellas1979 · 29-11-2018 08:36PM

I am wondering if understanding this practically might help you.

As in, there are programmed responses in us to break ups/heart break.

For example, everytime you see a pic or update of this girl, you are triggering a stimulation of neurotransmitters in your brain. Completely lights up.

If you dont trigger (i.e., looking at things to do with her), the effect does wear off/doesnt have the same potency or need.

Its simply like coming off a drug.

You could google physiology / science of a break up.

Rck888746 · 29-11-2018 08:55PM

You had great advice so far, and I just want to say that everything that you read here helps and you should apply.

I had a breakup last year, in fact it completed 1 year this month and I am certain I delayed my healing process for a while. First was this, then was that, blablabla... the fact is that you need to start healing as soon as possible, because this takes time. If you keep looking at social media and stuff that reminds you of her, this is not gonna work.

November-February was a period of time I did almost nothing productive to start healing. By the end of February I blocked and never looked at any social media about her anymore. It helps a lot, I assure you. I had some pretty rough days, but this is gonna be part of the path you gotta go through. The important thing is to stay strong and occupy your mind a lot, especially in these hard days. Talk to a friend, go out for a walk, go running, start a thread here on Boards telling us how bad your day has been, whatever... but don't look again, don't try talking to her again. Nothing good will come out of it once you feel you're making progress, it will just set you back.

Good luck!

LolaJJ · 30-11-2018 09:07AM

Pocket Money wrote: »

You read all these blogs and advice pages and watch videos on handling break ups etc but do you truly believe the best and only means of a possible reconciliation in the future is to go cold turkey completeky, absolute no contact, and what happens down the line happens, if was ever meant to be it will come back?

Yes. Also, when you do "cold-turkey" it allows you to step away from the relationship bubble and actually look at the relationship with a different perspective. It gives you an opportunity to see whether or not you guys are suited, whether or not your needs can be met with that person and vice versa. It gives both people a chance to miss each other too which is very helpful in figuring out your feelings.

The thing is, really good relationships, like the ones that last.....they are really difficult to break, like SOOOO difficult. Unless someone does something unforgivable.

I think you should make a promise to yourself to block her for a month, you'll be amazed at how much relief you will feel

LegacyUser · 30-11-2018 12:33PM

Maybe do yourself a favour and get out of the whole possible reconciliation mindset and learn to accept that it’s also possible when things are done they’re done for good

Sephiroth_dude · 30-11-2018 01:38PM

How do you know it was aimed at you?

Pocket Money · 01-12-2018 07:47AM

Found out last night off someone who her new guy is.

I don’t know if this should make sense or if I should feel this way, but now I feel 100 times better.

The brain/heart works in mysterious ways

amdublin · 01-12-2018 09:33AM

Ok so firstly I'm glad you feel better. Good!

At the same time, it doesn't matter who he is. Good, bad or indifferent.

Block her on everything and Choose Happiness

Have a wonderful Saturday and weekend Op, onwards and upwards from here.

Good luck!

leggo · 01-12-2018 09:44AM

Pocket Money wrote: »

Found out last night off someone who her new guy is.

I don’t know if this should make sense or if I should feel this way, but now I feel 100 times better.

The brain/heart works in mysterious ways

OP I’m getting more uneasy the more you post tbh. I thought this was a very recent break-up the first time you posted, we since find out it’s years old. So basically you’re doing recon on a person you know from years ago, ‘finding out’ who her bf is. She is, essentially, a stranger now. Her life, where she’s going on holidays and who she’s dating now is none of your business.

This is obsessive, it’s stalking and it’s wrong. You need to get a grip and stop keeping tabs on this person from your distant past.

Pocket Money · 01-12-2018 10:31AM

leggo wrote: »

OP I’m getting more uneasy the more you post tbh. I thought this was a very recent break-up the first time you posted, we since find out it’s years old. So basically you’re doing recon on a person you know from years ago, ‘finding out’ who her bf is. She is, essentially, a stranger now. Her life, where she’s going on holidays and who she’s dating now is none of your business.

This is obsessive, it’s stalking and it’s wrong. You need to get a grip and stop keeping tabs on this person from your distant past.

It is a recent break up! May/June!

weemcd · 01-12-2018 10:33AM

Block and stop looking. You are torturing yourself, claiming she made a post public so you could see it.

amdublin · 01-12-2018 11:20AM

Have you blocked her on social media and deleted her number op?

May/June. It's time to move forward.

Out of Sight/Out of Mind and See No Evil/Hear No Evil with Exes

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