Advice for new relationship -he has addiction issues

cannotlogin · 26-11-2018 06:16PM

I hate you say it OP but are as bad as him.

You got all the right advice and ignore it, completely in denial about the situation.

He has also I'm sure he has also got so much advice and support in the past, and is also in denial.

Both of you appear hell bent on walking into your respective car crashes here.

The only added advantage you have here is it's still early enough for you to turn back but you don't appear to want to.

If all of the comments on this thread haven't been enough for you to walk away, I'm not sure that anything will.

So accept you are going down an ill advised route which will ultimately lead to misery, heartache, worry, frustration etc. If that's what you want to do but accept that you are doing it despite everyone else yelling STOP. Not one person suggested anything other than to run while you can.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-11-2018 06:29PM

OP, come on. You hardly know this fella. Yet you are saying he has “come along way”? You’ve known him 2 months. He could tell you anything and you have no choice but take him at face value. Addicts lie. He is lying. He said he moved on from old friends. To get away from his druggie lifestyle? Yet twice in a very short time he disappeared on a bender.

I don’t know, OP. I can sort of understand why you think he deserves a chance. But put a limit on it. Tell yourself what is YOUR limit? How many times are you going to accept his excuses? How many times are you going to let him disappear without any contact? Loose plans are still loose plans. He could have sent a quick message before shutting off his phone that he was going to clear his head for the weekend. He sounds selfish, and I think your needs will always come second. Even after your chat about honesty and all that, he went missing again.

It’s more likely that he is lying. I wish you well, because he will cause you nothing but grief.

leggo · 26-11-2018 06:35PM

You are putting up with **** though, OP...LOADS of it. In fact if I could use one sentence to describe the relationship you’ve laid out, it would be “The OP puts up with **** yet doesn’t leave.” Saying you don’t doesn’t make it true if that is literally exactly what you’re doing as we speak.

This lad is taking the absolute piss out of you and you’re sticking around. You’re already enabling him by showing you won’t leave no matter how bad he errs if he just says the right things to keep you sweet, so you’ve actually hurt any recovery he may have had already by rewarding this bad behaviour with your continued presence (shaming him with stern words won’t help, generally people take drugs at this level because they’re already living under a mountain of shame and trying to self-medicate, you’re just compounding the thing that triggers him without realising because you’re in over your head). You’re having super intense conversations about trust 2 months in because he’s broken yours several times already. Are you secretly enjoying the co-dependence of it all? Does it give you a subconscious kick to be the person with their **** together in the relationship? I’m sorry OP, I’m not having a go, but I’m not seeing any benefits to this situation beyond “I’m not tired of being single anymore!”

Be headstrong all you want here, everyone telling you to run away fast at these insanely obvious red flags is just trying to help. Going into denial and not listening doesn’t negatively affect anyone but yourself, we’ll all have likely forgotten this in a few months whereas your life might be devastated by not listening to common sense. Or you could just avoid all of that and find someone better who won’t give you all of these issues within minutes of meeting them...

Paddy Cow · 26-11-2018 06:47PM

Judgementcall wrote: »

Anyway he responded and said that he deserves the lack of trust, that he wasn't offended (I said I hoped he wasn't) He said that work was awful this week (I was working late a lot this week, we didn't get to talk much) and he needed to get away and reset (maybe camping was his positive alternative to using) He said he silenced his phones and left, that he knew if he talked to me he'd want to stick around and wait for me to come with him the next night (I love camping too) but he just wanted to get out there asap. He said he understands why I have reason not to believe him, which he said sucks but is fair.

You are very naive if you believe that at face value. He is an addict and addicts are users. He knows exactly what to say to keep you hooked. You can try and fix him all you want but everyone on this thread knows exactly where this is headed. Plenty of addicts are super charming when sober because they have learned how to manipulate people around them. So what if he had an awful week at work. He could have texted you and said "had a bad week at work so if you don't mind, I'm going to go camping on Friday". Instead he disappears for the weekend. Completely selfish and inconsiderate behaviour (and that's if he did go camping, you've no way to tell).

You will never be a priority to him and the only one who can't see it is you.

Sittingpretty · 26-11-2018 06:56PM

Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned but isn’t it all a bit too much drama and conversations and feelings and issues for two months in?

Call me mad but at 2 months in it is a fledgling relationship and it should be THE BEST it can be.

I’d honestly rather be happy and alone than in that much drama 2 months into a new relationship. F that, life’s too short.

delly · 26-11-2018 06:57PM

Seasoned camper here and unless your boy is used to Himalayan heights, it would be past the point of our season unless the cold doesn't bother him. You have now progressed to the fable end of excuses.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-11-2018 07:12PM

Getting rid of his old drug friends worked well for him too, didn't it? Despite moving he has managed to find a new drugs scene.

I don't have anything new to add to what the others have said, only to say you sound like someone who's going to learn the hard way. I just hope you don't bring children into this situation before you realise what a hopeless case this guy is.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2018 07:25PM

Hey op.
I'm sorry to say but I think it's obvious u are looking for a heroic story to come out of this for him.
I don't think you know much about drug addiction.
It takes years to come clean n resolve even the basics.
If you think there are lots of changes in 2 months n lots of progress, I think hope n Ignorance of the process is blinding you.
It's not even suggested for his sake to try get clean in a relationship. It requires huge growth n tackling of the issues n views that lead to the addiction.. Which is just an escape. I hope u leave so u can both be well.

This is all very text book. You're still likely displaying codependency issues n perhaps getting some needs met by purposefully being involved with a person with active addiction issues.
We can all relapse into the slippy slope of codependency so easily n in subtle decisions.

Perhaps you should talk to someone to explore what might be driving your own behaviour..

I really hope you are doing OK n I hope it was OK to say this stuff.

punisher5112 · 26-11-2018 07:31PM

This will be another poster in years to come asking what they should do with the husband as he has gone off with someone else and left her with the kids....

There was something like this not long ago.

Why anyone would get involved with anyone or anything to do with drugs is beyond me.

He will be a drain and you will always doubt anything he says and trust will be an issue.

Jaysus if I went off on a trip or just didn't make contact I would never come back as she would actually kill me.

Op you have been given the best advice you will ever get and you should really stop over thinking or making it even more difficult.

Are you prepared to have a loser in your life who will always leave you as not 2nd not 3rd not 4th.......... Probably only come 20th on a list of how important you are or ever will be.

You need to have a person who will put you as number 1.

Ashleigh1986 · 26-11-2018 07:31PM

I can speak from personal experience on this matter. I'm 21 free from my own addiction.
The biggest regret I have is .... The loss of time .
The time I took for granted with some fabulous partners .
They have moved on / most have married .
When your in addiction.... You love the drink / drugs / horses more than anything .
It's all about the buzz . It's all about the next fix .
The advice I would give to anyone in an relationship with some one in addiction is
PUT YOURSELF FIRST .
I went tru my rehab on my own . It's far easier if you have the support of a partner with you .
However it's a huge ask for someone to stand with you going tru the pain of " life's regret ".
If you decide to go tru it with your partner it won't be easy . I wish you all the best .

punisher5112 · 26-11-2018 07:33PM

There meeting up 2 months¿

This in itself screams madness to even think of staying.

Paddy Cow · 26-11-2018 08:51PM

OP just to add, you are early thirties. You could spend the next ten years of your life with this guy in an endless cycle of bingeing and waiting for the good moments when he is sober and a great person to be around. If he turns his life around and gets sober at 41, he can still be a father but at 41 your fertile days are behind you.

What do you want from a relationship? If it's marriage, mortgage and kids then this is not the guy for you. It's only been two months and already he's disappearing and being completely disrespectful to you. You are already lying for him. This is the stage where people are on their best behaviour and doing everything to impress the other person.

All the warning signs are there. You wouldn't treat a partner like this so why make excuses for him? Walk away from this mess. He is not your responsibility. Only he can change his behaviour and all the ultimations from you won't make a difference. Every time you tell him that you won't accept this behaviour and he does it anyway, only to turn around and give you a load of platitudes to make you think he is changing, just enables his behaviour and teaches him that you are willing to put up with this.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and find someone who is going to put you, not cocaine, first.

nthclare · 26-11-2018 10:30PM

Kick this bastard to the kirb.
And kick him in the balls when he's down,so he won't get up again.

Metaphorically of course.

Addict's bring pain, confusion, highs lows.... and sometimes eventually death.

Even if he gets recovery and help he'll be a mess for at least 8 year's...

He'll be caught up in a 12 step programme, find recovery friends and he'll be going to NA and AA meetings, then you'll end up in Alanon or Naranon....

A cycle of destruction lies ahead.....

Get rid of the ****er... he's a leech

zoobizoo · 26-11-2018 10:43PM

I was briefly seeing a woman a few years back. Early 30s.

After a night out drinking she started getting a bit abusive verbally.

That was it for me.

The thoughts of dating lairy drinker put me right off.... and the thought of someone turning nasty when they'd had a few was enough for me to call time after about four or six weeks dating.

Despite her being very nice normally with a good job and many attributes, I wasn't prepared to put up with that then or in the future .

Now OP you've been through a whole lot worse than a lairy drinker and you seem prepared to take on a whole heap of **** from a drug addict and probably alcoholic.

I'd have to ask "why?"

Had you ever pictured yourself dating a drug addict?

I asked about alcohol earlier.

Ask him if he'll give up booze for good. If he doesn't then you've got confirmation that he won't be giving up coke any time soon.

If he doesn't and you stay with him..... More fool you.

Actually more fool you for reading all the good advice and thinking you've got something good go8ng on.

nthclare · 26-11-2018 10:52PM

I can see where the op is coming from.

On the outside addict's are usually charming, have a way of being funny witty and adapt to any scenario.

They're sometimes very attractive looking and have that bad boy vibe flowing outward s.
Which some women and men find intriguing and attractive.

They use the trauma bonding technique, look up "trauma bonding" narcissists and sociopaths use it too.

Basically they love you then **** you over, and you are gaslighted so much you're afraid to leave and afraid to stay.

It's like a drug, a codependent or low self esteem woman or man suit addict's because any person with an ounce of dignity and self respect would run to the hills.

Unfortunately it's up to you op, pain or happiness...

Hopefully you'll choose the right straw....

Big Bag of Chips · 27-11-2018 04:16PM

Another thing to bear in mind, OP, is where the blame lies any time he "slips". You're only 2 months in and already it sounds like you're making excuses for him. First of all he moved away from all his friends (presumably who were the cause of his previous drug use), but now he is working with a fella who offers it to him. He's "socially isoloated" too (is that another excuse as to why he might end up using?) He has a stressful job etc etc etc.

Most people who move to a new area for work are socially isolated. They konw nobody until the make a few friends, through work, hobbies etc. It's funny though. I've been in the workforce over 20 years - and I have NEVER been offered cocaine by a colleage. Ever! Funny how this fella seemed to just "find" your boyfriend.

You asked for "impartial persepctive" and you got it. In surround sound. You are choosing to ignore everything, thinking somehow your fella is different. Or you're different. It'll be different this time, because he has come so far and means it this time. You mean more to him. He knows he's not getting any chances (except for the 3 times already that he has disappeared for the weekend...?)

If you are intent on giving this a go I would give it until the next weekend he disappears without trace, be that on a bender or "camping". If he has a habit of just going off radar then you need to also consider if that is something you can accept as a girlfriend. Obviously if this progresses then you will be in a proper relationship, end up living together, maybe having a family, sharing a joint account? How would allt hat work if he disappears every so often without notice?

Harika · 27-11-2018 04:42PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Another thing to bear in mind, OP, is where the blame lies any time he "slips". You're only 2 months in and already it sounds like you're making excuses for him <-snip->

Adding to that, the general consensus in this forum in general is, that in the first months you are in the honeymoon period and everything should be fluffy and awesome. You already have this drama early in and this won't get better anytime soon. Like some poster here mentioned with his/her experience with addiction, it is a very long road and it will be filled with relapses, lies, tears and stress.

LegacyUser · 27-11-2018 05:13PM

He sees you as a new cash injection. He will fill you in with as much lies and excuses yet offer some half truths when he is feeling down to keep you believing.

He will suck you dry financially and emotionally and is delighted he has bagged a gullible woman who seems desperate to be in a relationship at any cost

You have been told by 100% of the posters here and with personal experiences. None have given you any indication that it might work out for you

You are being extremely foolish and if your parents and family knew what a silly silly situation you are potentially about to bring on yourself and your family's

IF you still think it is worth pursuing this relationship, you are frankly a fool

Bobtheman · 29-11-2018 12:28AM

Bottom line is he still needs treatment. He needs to go into treatment center. Without that he is going nowhere. You are helping him ruin himself. Tell him do rehab and you will meet him after it. It's only a couple of weeks.

Bobtheman · 29-11-2018 12:30AM

dgdfg wrote: »

He sees you as a new cash injection. He will fill you in with as much lies and excuses yet offer some half truths when he is feeling down to keep you believing.

He will suck you dry financially and emotionally and is delighted he has bagged a gullible woman who seems desperate to be in a relationship at any cost

You have been told by 100% of the posters here and with personal experiences. None have given you any indication that it might work out for you

You are being extremely foolish and if your parents and family knew what a silly silly situation you are potentially about to bring on yourself and your family's

IF you still think it is worth pursuing this relationship, you are frankly a fool

A bit simplistic . Denies fact that people do change. But the guy must change and show it first

power pants · 29-11-2018 11:55AM

Bobtheman wrote: »

A bit simplistic . Denies fact that people do change. But the guy must change and show it first

Cant see anything in OP's posts to indicate that he is going to change anytime soon

Yes, people can change but it will take a lot of time, patience and countless drama and whatever else that goes along with a thief and a liar.

Not sure why anyone would enter a relationship with a coke-head and settle for this on the small chance that they might get themselves clean in the future. Doesn't sound like much of a catch to me

Talking about simplistic, the poster that mentioned rehab is only for 2 weeks, unfortunately that is not the case. It would take a very very long time even to be admitted to such a place unless paying through the roof for this.

Two weeks rehab wont solve anything to a coke-head either

Big Bag of Chips · 29-11-2018 12:16PM

True power pants. Last year my friend's ex decided he was going to sort himself out. He got a place in a residential unit that was supposed to be for 20 weeks. He left after 2 and a half, having stuck to NOTHING that was advised. He said he didn't need it and would do it himself.

He's still an addict. Still lying. Still robbing Peter to pay Paul. Still blaming everyone else for his problems.

amdublin · 29-11-2018 01:52PM

Walk away now. Actually run. Never look back. Just run and be happy for the rest of your life without a relationship with a cocaine addict.

Why would you choose unhappiness?

Choose happy. Do it now. It's time to call a day on this.

Johnson_76 · 30-11-2018 12:00AM

Run for the hills. I am in recovery years. But caused havoc in my relationship. I could paint the picture for you if you like .

But to cut a long story short , in a while it will all be your fault that he used. If you could just change ... Blah blah blah .

Your mental health will be destroyed .

Advice for new relationship -he has addiction issues

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