Advice for new relationship -he has addiction issues

LegacyUser

Would like some impartial perspective please. I've been dating a guy for about 2 months, both early thirties. He's a really wonderful guy so far and has ticked all of my boxes. We really have clicked and feels like we know each other forever, at 31 I've kissed enough frogs to know a special connection when I get one!

We had loose plans to meet one weekend early on, but when I called him he never answered, I text once then left it, he got in touch late the next afternoon saying he had been at a party and lost his phone. I figured it was a bit more chaotic than he painted it but it was early days, none of my business, I didn't make a big deal.

The next weekend we had very firm plans for me to meet his friends, it was agreed I would call him when I finished work and we'd all meet up, several calls and texts and me hanging around town waiting like an eejit, I went home disappointed and disrespected. He got in touch the next day profusely apologising for his treatment of me, asking to meet up and explain.

He made no excuses, cried, was honest about his problematic coke use, if he's offered it or he has one line, he's on a rager and can't stop. He said in his twenties he lost everything because of it. Because everything else about him is wonderful, I agreed to move forward and am understanding but was clear that I would not tolerate dishonesty about it, ongoing cancelling of plans, poor treatment etc. He has since been very open about he's been working on it in the past years and knowing his triggers, exploring why etc. That his self esteem has been low since those 2 nights, beating himself up and really wanting to work hard and beat it. I was very supportive and he was very thankful.

He has recently moved from another area and is socially isolated, he only knows work people and me here, it's a colleague from work who has offered him these 2 times Friday after work (that night he blew his friends off too, not just me), he knows no one else here yet. He has a very good, high paying job but has been honest that he has past debts from partying.

Just to be clear, I am not anti drug use and have used drugs recreationally since my teens -coke, ecstacy etc. More often in my twenties, almost every weekend, but now no more than 1 night twice a year or so. I definitely do not have 'an addictive personality' I love coke and in theory would love to do it frequently but don't want it interfering with my weekends, job, etc. I've grown out of that party stage. Even if I was partying every weekend, it would be difficult to spend so much on it that it affects finances with a good job, and I would always be present and be able to text, call, have my keys etc.

Tonight we had loose plans for him to meet my friends if he wasn't working late. Texted him about it last night (Fri) to see if he was still free, no text or call back at all today, it's now sat evening. He would never be out of contact that long so I'm guessing another bender. I told my friends he had to work, concerning that I'm making excuses for him already. I don't want to get my friends advice as if he does get his act together and we continue to see each other, I don't want to spread his sensitive personal business to my friend's, not fair to him.

Does anyone with experience of disordered substance use or having a partner with this issue have any advice for me? I am through with dead end dating and refuse to put my energy in to people who are unavailable emotionally, not committing etc. I've done a lot of work on myself and the treatment I'm willing to accept, now I've found someone the opposite, emotionaly open, wanting a relationship etc but he has this issue. I really really like him but obviously I'm not in love yet, should I walk away now before love and attachment clouds my perspective.

I don't want to be making demands unduly but what boundaries can I set here that is fair to me but also understanding that addiction is an illness and recovery is a process. Can his behaviour right now sustain a relationship, bearing in mind in the future we could have joint finances etc. Maybe he cannot have a healthy relationship right now. Or am I over reacting fearing that it may get worse in the future. I'm open to giving a great guy a chance but am I being a fool? If you are staunchly anti drug use your advice may not be too impartial, can anyone with experience or understanding of recreational drug use advise? Thank you so much.

December2012

This just seems like a lot of work early in doesn't it? I would be cutting my losses and ending it.

His behaviour is messing you around and at odds with the lifestyle you say you want.

Don't put up with sub standard relationship (If you can even call it that) just because you are sick and tired of dating.

Big Bag of Chips

He's already disappearing for days with no contact and you're already lying and covering for him. It's unlikely to get better. He has an addiction. Addicts lie. Every word out of their mouths is said for their own benefit. They will cry, beg, promise and at the same time lie and steal. He has drug debts and is still going on the missing list on benders. He is definitely not clearing his debts and trying to move away from that scene.

You said you're sick of dead end dating. Looks like you're not done with it yet. It's early days and already he is letting you down and you're lying for him. You spoke with him. You told him what you wouldn't tolerate. He then did all the things you said you wouldn't tolerate and you are still there. The more chances you give him the less likely he is to sort himself out.

My friend is currently going through the process of separating and divorcing an addict. She made all manner of excuses for him. Gave him chance after chance. Lied for him. He left her penniless and broken with 2 small children. He cried. He promised. He begged for help. She left and came back so many times. It never changed.

My only advice to you is get out before you get sucked in any deeper. My friend started going out a with him when he was 20/21. And made excuses that he was young, he'd grow out of it. Then thought when they got a mortgage he'd cop on. Then thought when they had a baby he'd cop on. Then thought the responsibility of 2 children would make him cop on. Then thought getting married might change him. He is now almost 40 and he still hasn't copped on.

Walk away now, OP. This is not going to end well for you. His addiction is coming first above you, every time.

amdublin

What you've described....

Is this the kind of relationship you want? Because this is it. It's never going to change.

Hard I know, but you need to finish this now.

In fact. That's probably the best way for it to have any chance of change. You leave. He realises over a long course of time what he's lost. He sorts himself out and you meet again in a few years.
I repeat. A few years!

Do you want agony for the rest of your life?
No one would choose yes to.this. Leave now.

Sorry op

Geminigal

I agree with all the posts above I'm afraid. You sound like such a grounded and
Understanding person. I think it's quite evident you have done work on yourself otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. Maybe this is a big part of the work and it's to prove to yourself that you are worthy of a better relationship than this and walk away. I feel for you but feel getting out now is the best idea for you for now.

SeptemberBaby

Get out now. He is not in the place to give you what you want. I know hoelw tough it is when you find that someone you connect with but he isn't in the headspace to be in a relationship.

ConnyMcDavid

I dont think you will but Get out now. It will be easy to slip into his habits.

Big Bag of Chips

Just think, OP, he is now early 30s. He says he lost everything in his 20s. And still nothing has changed for him. He will have had family, friends, girlfriends in the past who will have had exactly the same conversation you did. They will have seen the tears, heard the promises. And yet here he is, still the same.

He hasn't changed in all those years. How many chances are you willing to give him? He has already used 1.

mr_cochise

Get out OP! Get out now!

lawred2

I'd be adding him to the list of frogs..

Why on earth would you want to willingly get entangled with someone who has such an addiction?

Get. Out.

You're only codding yourself that he's 'wonderful'.. those tears are crocodile tears and serve only himself.

Sittingpretty

Absolutely leave and don’t look back.

You’re only two months in and it’s already lousy.

delly

OP, this is one of those defining points in a relationship where you have a clear picture of how a personality trait in a new partner has the possibility to total F your live up for many years to come. You need to end it and end it ASAP while the damage to you is minimal. I get the impression that you may want to be tolerable to his issue as you dabbled in it at one point and to not be would be hypocritical, but feck that, look after number one ahead of any other feelings.

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm not anti drugs, I've had fun experimenting with a few in my college years though never took coke. My friends group at the time though used to take it and one in particular got heavy into it. I'm currently friends with people that like yourself would occasionally take ecstacy/coke and I myself would be open to trying again.

So you know, and I know, there's a big difference between someone who uses and someone who has fun with drugs from time to time. He uses. He can't say no, he can't stop, he f*cks his life up cos of coke, he lets a new girlfriend down and puts that budding relationship at risk, but he still can't say no.

I've friends that went down his path. I saw recently he is clean healthy married with a baby. He looks happy. But he had to move to Australia and break completely with his old friends and way of life.

I've another friend who was in a high paid stressful job, he ended up getting his act together after he owed serious money, was in an awful state and his parents put him in rehab. He admitted he needed to change though. He recovered and found sport. He replaced one unhealthy addiction with another (triathlons). He now has a lovely supportive girlfriend and is doing well.

I'm into sport myself and have found a lot of ppl like himself- ppl with addictive personalities, with the tendency to take things to extremes either with drugs alcohol and in this case sport

I think ppl either have addictive personalities or they dont. The lucky ones realise it, work on finding a healthy outlet for it, find a way to cope with their triggers and how to combat them. They use coke or drink to deal with other internal issues maybe extreme stress, unhappiness, mental imbalance, past trauma, self esteem....

In the cases of those who recovered, they all had to hit rock bottom first, and realise and accept they needed to change. They all had to be alone too while recovering- they needed to work on themselves and figure out their ****, be able to support themselves when they encountered triggers, to find coping mechanisms from within, not relying on someone else's support (because you can either walk away from that support and end up using again, or that support can walk from you).

I think it's a shame you found such a lovely guy with a problem. But I don't think he's fixed it yet. He might in the future like the friends I mentioned, or he might not. I don't think though that I would try to stay and fix him myself. And I also don't think he's in a position to be in a relationship with you until he gets himself sorted out. He might want to, but I don't think it's fair on you and I can't see himself able or willing to put in the work to recover when he has an emotional blanket (you) to fall back on when he f*cks up.

ANXIOUS

That's not recreational drug use, that seems like a full blown addiction. In 8 weeks he has cancelled plans 3 times, that's nearly 50% of the time. That's a straightforward good bye.

ginandtonicsky

Judgementcall wrote: »

I am through with dead end dating and refuse to put my energy in to people who are unavailable emotionally, not committing etc. I've done a lot of work on myself and the treatment I'm willing to accept, now I've found someone the opposite, emotionaly open, wanting a relationship etc but he has this issue.

This left me cold. It is EXACTLY how I felt about my ex when our relationship began after years of me "dead-end dating" too. Finally, someone who really really likes me, is emotionally expressive and willing to commit!

He struggled/s with alcohol issues and I naively set that aside at the beginning, thinking "sure I get sh1tfaced too, we all do", didn't see it for the red flag that it was given how strong the emotional connection was.

He was a great guy too, but the lying, denying, deceiving, disappointing, gaslighting and emotionally manipulating destroyed me from the inside out. An addict will destroy your life, no matter what his intentions are or how great a person he is when he's sober. Please read BBOC's post a few times, sentence by sentence, and think about if that's the kind of life you want.

My ex was two people - affectionate, funny, loving, loyal, committed, sexy and endlessly good company when he wasn't in the grip of the drinking. And then a heartbreaking, devastatingly let-down of a mess when he was drinking. I could make no future plans with him - buy a house...how will he ever have the funds. Marry him...and inherit his financial mess of debt and destruction. Have kids...and raise them myself without any financial or emotional support. You see the implications of "this issue"? What kind of life do you want?

Don't be hoodwinked by the emotional connection and the good job and all the rest of it. Don't undo all the good work you've done on yourself. Hold out for a man that you can rely on and build a life with, not one that has already bailed three times in the two short months you've been together.

Kidchameleon

Forget about him, you will regret it if you dont.

zoobizoo

You don't say how he ends up in this situation....

I.e., i would imagine that he's out for a few drinks gets a bit drunk and then hasn't the capacity to say no when someone offers him a line.

If that's the case, he'd need to knock the booze on the head.... and how prepared would he be to do that.
?

cannotlogin

Do you not think you are worth more than playing second fiddle to addiction?

Get out early because it's only going to get worse. His bad experience has taught him nothing.

MissShihTzu

OP. Your boyfriend has told you and shown you more than once who he is and what he is. You must know this deep down, otherwise you would not have posted.

We've all been there. I myself went out with an alcoholic. Sweet, funny, kind and generous - When he wasn't on the sauce! I had to leg it before he totally brought me down.

You know what you need to do. Good luck!

leggo

This is not going to get better. It’s not going to go away. Listen to the advice everyone is giving you here and stop making excuses for him. This person is an addict and OP, you sound very intelligent, down to earth and savvy towards dating in one post alone...admit it, you know all of this already.

It’s time to show yourself the respect you deserve and run a mile from this. Why would you sign up for this when you know what’s coming? Why would you sign off on what’s ahead when you’re living it already? I know you’ve had disappointments, I know you say you feel a connection, you may be lonely and have the blinkers on as a result but seriously...being alone and having a happy life elsewhere is better than dealing with what’s to come here. This isn’t even a mild addiction that can be sorted with a stern conversation, this is someone in the early stages of dating, putting their best foot forward and still failing abysmally. This is a bad one.

Oh and that connection you speak of? Remember, too, that experienced addicts can be extremely manipulative because it’s a coping mechanism they develop out of necessity. I wouldn’t be so sure the connection is as deep as you think, maybe he’s just really good at faking it. Someone who’s had to piece their life back together after blowing it all would need to be.

Make the decision you know you need to OP. You won’t regret if you do, but I guarantee you’ll regret it if you don’t. As I said above, from your OP you sound extremely emotionally intelligent and switched on, knowing what you like/dislike. That’s such a rare trait and one that a good potential partner will love about you, give it to someone who deserves it and see yourself as worthy of waiting for the person that does rather than pissing it away on a hiding to nothing with this lad and breaking your heart in doing so.

Keyzer

You already know the answer OP - this guy is a ticking time bomb, sure to cause you nothing but pain and grief.

LegacyUser

Judgementcall wrote: »

I agreed to move forward and am understanding but was clear that I would not tolerate dishonesty about it, ongoing cancelling of plans, poor treatment etc.

[...]

Can his behaviour right now sustain a relationship, bearing in mind in the future we could have joint finances etc.

He's an active addict. If there's one thing that's 100% certain, it's that he'd going to put his addiction before you, every single time. It's not something he can help, not something you can demand he not do. You can set all the red lines in the world, he will cross them. It won't matter in the future if you have a once in the lifetime holiday planned, a wedding, you have kids, if you're ill - if he hits the coke, that's it, he's letting you down. Guaranteed.

If he can get to a point where he can get help and get himself out of the situations where coke is available, then yeah, maybe the rest of him can shine through and you can both have a happy life together.

But is he in that place? It doesn't seem like it. He's 2 months into what seems like a great relationship, and he's already messing you about, even after "being honest" with you (he's not being honest, he's telling you the minimum he thinks you need to hear). You've told him what you won't tolerate, and he's gone and flaked on you again, despite his promises. He lost everything once before and it didn't wake him up, so it would seem he has a long way to go before he hits rock bottom - and that's usually the place people like this need to be before they change.

If you want a life of playing second fiddle to his addiction, to never being able to rely on him - especially when things get tough, to knowing that someday there's a good chance he'll take you down with him - then stick with him. Because that's all he can guarantee you. Anything else is just maybe, and it seems a little early in the relationship to hang around for maybes.

LegacyUser

The fact that he's lost everything before in the past and still does this says a lot. He clearly didn't learn much about how his behaviour can affect others, if he did he would care enough to let you go and wouldn't want to suck you in more.
My ex was a problem drinker, there were drugs too but it started with alcohol. I would never go through that again.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just think, OP, he is now early 30s. He says he lost everything in his 20s. And still nothing has changed for him.

+ 1 this is the part that jumped out at me to OP. He knows he has a problem that has impacted badly on his life yet he's not changed, he still takes coke when he knows he can't handle it. Honestly not worth dealing with IMO

Sephiroth_dude

Don't date this person , it will lead to nothing but heartache for you, end it for own sanity.

ginandtonicsky

nomen est omen wrote: »

He lost everything once before and it didn't wake him up, so it would seem he has a long way to go before he hits rock bottom - and that's usually the place people like this need to be before they change.

Agreed. FWIW, once I broke up with my ex he got himself into therapy and gave sobriety the first true, genuine chance in all the time I knew him. He's still drinking from what I can gauge through various circles, but he wasn't even willing to address a different life until he lost me and our home together.

I'm not a therapist and retrospectively there was definitely an element of co-dependency in the relationship, the repercussions of which I'm still dealing with now, a year and a half later.

Someone said something to me that really stuck though, and I try to apply it now as I begin to date again. Go for someone who brings you up, instead of dragging you down. Life will have its trials and tribulations for sure that all couples will have to face together, but as someone who sounds quite together and ambitious, I can't imagine being dragged down to the level of trying and failing to change someone and getting lost in all of their unhealthy habits and behaviours and dealing with the fallout of that - your own mental health potentially at risk - is something you should be willing to jump into at any cost. Feelings are just feelings. They require scrutiny and evaluation when it comes to looking for that partner that will be directly involved in your happiness as a human. Feelings pass with time too.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thank you so much for all of your responses and for taking the time to write them to me. I knew that most of them would be similar but I have to say I wasn't expecting them all to say the exact same thing. All of you have different backgrounds, experiences, opinions and still on the same page, I can't ignore that.

Someone asked if he was prepared to give up drinking as it leads to coke, that is something he brought up himself that he will need to do if he can't get a handle on it after the first 2 binges, which were a weekend back to back. He said if he can't stay away he's prepared to give up alcohol entirely. I guess he's hoping he won't need to. Not fully committing.

I was all set to break up with him. I had no intention of contacting him before he contacted me himself. He got in touch Monday morning, to say he had had a weird week and had took off camping after work Friday, got back late last night and feels back to himself now. He is a big wilderness outdoor person and does camp by himself a lot, he has talked a lot about hiking and camping in nature being his solace, has all the gear, maps, photos, we don't live in Ireland, it's not unusual here.

Hes at work so I didn't want to go in to it too much now and disrupt that, I just said that I didn't have a good weekend as I was worrying about him being on a bender all weekend, and that I was ready to finish with him as this would be the first bender after our discussion about his addiction and that an active addict not in recovery can't be in a relationship. I said part of me doesn't believe the camping part, and that as he's trying to beat it himself instead of with professional help, the odds aren't good and I'm naturally going to be hypervigilant to him disappearing for 2 and a half days, that I feel like if he was heading off camping he would have told me. I said it's awful to not believe you if it's true but I'm just being honest and from my shoes I think it's fair. I said we'll talk about it another time, don't want to disrupt his work. Will be interesting to see how he responds..

cailin.

This guy is laying out all of his emotional issues and red flags right on the table.
Take away the cocaine addiction and his behaviour indicates that he isn't particularly bothered about your plans. You seem to have loose plans and in 8 weeks he has cancelled 3 times...? Huge red flag.

To me it seems like you're settling for this guy because you're fed up of dating without success. Why would you want to settle for someone with so many issues and so much baggage? Sorry if it seems harsh but regardless of "recreational drug use" this guy likely won't make a partner who you'll consider a joint bank account with. There's just so much drama for 2 months. It should be fun and exciting but you're left sitting around on weekends because he is more bothered about his bender than you.
That is not OK. Draw the line. You deserve better.

Big Bag of Chips

Did he just completely disregard/forget the plans you had?

My friends husband used to (still does) give the same lines about cutting down the drink (never giving it up, mind you).

I don't know, OP, I suppose for your own sake you probably feel like you need to give him a chance to see what happens. You know what's going to happen though. My friend knew in her heart that he would never change. He'd change, briefly. But inevitably he'd always end up back the same. When she eventually walked away she was much stronger. Because she knew she had listened to him time and time again. She listened to the promises. She saw the tears. She gave him, realistically about 6 of 7 years of 'last chances'.

Now, he's still the sand. Still promising. Still crying. Still lying. Only trouble is, now he's promising and lying to his children. And it is having a massive affect on them.

fifi_gal

Hi OP,

I have to agree with all of the posts above. I started seeing a guy about a year ago. He was straight up after a few dates and told me he had a cocaine addiction that he was trying to beat. I said I would be supportive but as time went on he would be doing it maybe once every 3/4 weeks. He once came and met me on a Sunday after being up all night doing coke and having had no sleep. The cancelling plans things sounds familiar, he would be out 'for a few' and supposed to meet me afterwards and next thing he couldn't leave etc, etc. Nothing came between him and his drinking/drugging. He started justifying it saying he used to do coke multiple times every weekend whereas now it was only every few weeks.

Like your guy he also had an amazing side and we had a spark that I hadn't had with anyone in years. I was mad about him and he said he was about me too, making future plans etc. Then after 6 months out of the blue he finished with me because he was in a 'bad place' mentally. I was devastated. We met up a few months later and tried again for a few weeks but again he just went AWOL on me. Long story short there were a million red flags and everyone warned me how it would turn out but I ignored it. It's been a couple of months since we finished things again and I'm still struggling to get over it and definitely not in a head space to meet anyone new. So I've pretty much wasted a year of my life on him.

I can almost guarantee things will work out like that for you if you decide to pursue things with this guy. Maybe he really was camping for the weekend, maybe he really is trying to change. But unless he's willing to take massive steps, i.e. start a treatment program or try completely abstaining from alcohol you will be going through this exact scenario again in a few months time.

LegacyUser

OP again. The plans were loose because he may have had to work late so I just said he was welcome to join us if he wasn't working, he really wanted to and asked a lot about meeting them other times but I couldn't or they had to cancel once.

Anyway he responded and said that he deserves the lack of trust, that he wasn't offended (I said I hoped he wasn't) He said that work was awful this week (I was working late a lot this week, we didn't get to talk much) and he needed to get away and reset (maybe camping was his positive alternative to using) He said he silenced his phones and left, that he knew if he talked to me he'd want to stick around and wait for me to come with him the next night (I love camping too) but he just wanted to get out there asap. He said he understands why I have reason not to believe him, which he said sucks but is fair.

I told him that it made me realize that there is a lack of trust, which is hard to build a relationship on, and that I do have fears that even though he's clearly come a long way, cut out old friends, stopped socialising at his old haunts, got a massive promotion and works long hours, paid off debt, he still had 2 blow outs recently, that im afraid everything will blow up again. That I don't want to put demands on him but he can't disappear like that without warning without me thinking he's on a bender. That he can't just put his head down and beat it without professional help and he can't get help because someone else wants him to and that most people would tell me to walk away now.

I'm not going to break up with him over text anyway so I'm sure we'll meet at some stage and talk about it. I wish I could guarantee that I'll do it but I know myself I'll probably pull back a bit emotionally, put some major boundaries in and wait and see. I feel like I do want to give him a chance. Hes made big steps but he really needs to go professional and make big steps now. I do have friends who have been in his situation and have completely turned their life around. It's early days, will keep it a bit casual for next couple of months, If nothing changes I assure you I'll be out of there. This is a young relationship, no marriage, no kids and I can walk away easy, but just want to give one chance. It's possible with me coming on stronger with the boundaries it won't be worth the effort to him and he'll run away after we discuss it,but that's fine coz there's my answer anyway.

I've been single by choice (but not enjoying the fact) for years because I won't put up with ****. We are exclusively seeing each other, not officially in a relationship. Depending on the conversation I'll keep dating him but the next whiff of not committing to recovery I will be gone. I know most of you will be shaking your heads but it's a process. I know I am strong enough to walk away after one failed chance.

cannotlogin

I hate you say it OP but are as bad as him.

You got all the right advice and ignore it, completely in denial about the situation.

He has also I'm sure he has also got so much advice and support in the past, and is also in denial.

Both of you appear hell bent on walking into your respective car crashes here.

The only added advantage you have here is it's still early enough for you to turn back but you don't appear to want to.

If all of the comments on this thread haven't been enough for you to walk away, I'm not sure that anything will.

So accept you are going down an ill advised route which will ultimately lead to misery, heartache, worry, frustration etc. If that's what you want to do but accept that you are doing it despite everyone else yelling STOP. Not one person suggested anything other than to run while you can.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, come on. You hardly know this fella. Yet you are saying he has “come along way”? You’ve known him 2 months. He could tell you anything and you have no choice but take him at face value. Addicts lie. He is lying. He said he moved on from old friends. To get away from his druggie lifestyle? Yet twice in a very short time he disappeared on a bender.

I don’t know, OP. I can sort of understand why you think he deserves a chance. But put a limit on it. Tell yourself what is YOUR limit? How many times are you going to accept his excuses? How many times are you going to let him disappear without any contact? Loose plans are still loose plans. He could have sent a quick message before shutting off his phone that he was going to clear his head for the weekend. He sounds selfish, and I think your needs will always come second. Even after your chat about honesty and all that, he went missing again.

It’s more likely that he is lying. I wish you well, because he will cause you nothing but grief.

leggo

You are putting up with **** though, OP...LOADS of it. In fact if I could use one sentence to describe the relationship you’ve laid out, it would be “The OP puts up with **** yet doesn’t leave.” Saying you don’t doesn’t make it true if that is literally exactly what you’re doing as we speak.

This lad is taking the absolute piss out of you and you’re sticking around. You’re already enabling him by showing you won’t leave no matter how bad he errs if he just says the right things to keep you sweet, so you’ve actually hurt any recovery he may have had already by rewarding this bad behaviour with your continued presence (shaming him with stern words won’t help, generally people take drugs at this level because they’re already living under a mountain of shame and trying to self-medicate, you’re just compounding the thing that triggers him without realising because you’re in over your head). You’re having super intense conversations about trust 2 months in because he’s broken yours several times already. Are you secretly enjoying the co-dependence of it all? Does it give you a subconscious kick to be the person with their **** together in the relationship? I’m sorry OP, I’m not having a go, but I’m not seeing any benefits to this situation beyond “I’m not tired of being single anymore!”

Be headstrong all you want here, everyone telling you to run away fast at these insanely obvious red flags is just trying to help. Going into denial and not listening doesn’t negatively affect anyone but yourself, we’ll all have likely forgotten this in a few months whereas your life might be devastated by not listening to common sense. Or you could just avoid all of that and find someone better who won’t give you all of these issues within minutes of meeting them...

Paddy Cow

Judgementcall wrote: »

Anyway he responded and said that he deserves the lack of trust, that he wasn't offended (I said I hoped he wasn't) He said that work was awful this week (I was working late a lot this week, we didn't get to talk much) and he needed to get away and reset (maybe camping was his positive alternative to using) He said he silenced his phones and left, that he knew if he talked to me he'd want to stick around and wait for me to come with him the next night (I love camping too) but he just wanted to get out there asap. He said he understands why I have reason not to believe him, which he said sucks but is fair.

You are very naive if you believe that at face value. He is an addict and addicts are users. He knows exactly what to say to keep you hooked. You can try and fix him all you want but everyone on this thread knows exactly where this is headed. Plenty of addicts are super charming when sober because they have learned how to manipulate people around them. So what if he had an awful week at work. He could have texted you and said "had a bad week at work so if you don't mind, I'm going to go camping on Friday". Instead he disappears for the weekend. Completely selfish and inconsiderate behaviour (and that's if he did go camping, you've no way to tell).

You will never be a priority to him and the only one who can't see it is you.

Sittingpretty

Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned but isn’t it all a bit too much drama and conversations and feelings and issues for two months in?

Call me mad but at 2 months in it is a fledgling relationship and it should be THE BEST it can be.

I’d honestly rather be happy and alone than in that much drama 2 months into a new relationship. F that, life’s too short.

delly

Seasoned camper here and unless your boy is used to Himalayan heights, it would be past the point of our season unless the cold doesn't bother him. You have now progressed to the fable end of excuses.

Ursus Horribilis

Getting rid of his old drug friends worked well for him too, didn't it? Despite moving he has managed to find a new drugs scene.

I don't have anything new to add to what the others have said, only to say you sound like someone who's going to learn the hard way. I just hope you don't bring children into this situation before you realise what a hopeless case this guy is.

LegacyUser

Hey op.
I'm sorry to say but I think it's obvious u are looking for a heroic story to come out of this for him.
I don't think you know much about drug addiction.
It takes years to come clean n resolve even the basics.
If you think there are lots of changes in 2 months n lots of progress, I think hope n Ignorance of the process is blinding you.
It's not even suggested for his sake to try get clean in a relationship. It requires huge growth n tackling of the issues n views that lead to the addiction.. Which is just an escape. I hope u leave so u can both be well.

This is all very text book. You're still likely displaying codependency issues n perhaps getting some needs met by purposefully being involved with a person with active addiction issues.
We can all relapse into the slippy slope of codependency so easily n in subtle decisions.

Perhaps you should talk to someone to explore what might be driving your own behaviour..

I really hope you are doing OK n I hope it was OK to say this stuff.

punisher5112

This will be another poster in years to come asking what they should do with the husband as he has gone off with someone else and left her with the kids....

There was something like this not long ago.

Why anyone would get involved with anyone or anything to do with drugs is beyond me.

He will be a drain and you will always doubt anything he says and trust will be an issue.

Jaysus if I went off on a trip or just didn't make contact I would never come back as she would actually kill me.

Op you have been given the best advice you will ever get and you should really stop over thinking or making it even more difficult.

Are you prepared to have a loser in your life who will always leave you as not 2nd not 3rd not 4th.......... Probably only come 20th on a list of how important you are or ever will be.

You need to have a person who will put you as number 1.

Ashleigh1986

I can speak from personal experience on this matter. I'm 21 free from my own addiction.
The biggest regret I have is .... The loss of time .
The time I took for granted with some fabulous partners .
They have moved on / most have married .
When your in addiction.... You love the drink / drugs / horses more than anything .
It's all about the buzz . It's all about the next fix .
The advice I would give to anyone in an relationship with some one in addiction is
PUT YOURSELF FIRST .
I went tru my rehab on my own . It's far easier if you have the support of a partner with you .
However it's a huge ask for someone to stand with you going tru the pain of " life's regret ".
If you decide to go tru it with your partner it won't be easy . I wish you all the best .

punisher5112

There meeting up 2 months¿

This in itself screams madness to even think of staying.

Paddy Cow

OP just to add, you are early thirties. You could spend the next ten years of your life with this guy in an endless cycle of bingeing and waiting for the good moments when he is sober and a great person to be around. If he turns his life around and gets sober at 41, he can still be a father but at 41 your fertile days are behind you.

What do you want from a relationship? If it's marriage, mortgage and kids then this is not the guy for you. It's only been two months and already he's disappearing and being completely disrespectful to you. You are already lying for him. This is the stage where people are on their best behaviour and doing everything to impress the other person.

All the warning signs are there. You wouldn't treat a partner like this so why make excuses for him? Walk away from this mess. He is not your responsibility. Only he can change his behaviour and all the ultimations from you won't make a difference. Every time you tell him that you won't accept this behaviour and he does it anyway, only to turn around and give you a load of platitudes to make you think he is changing, just enables his behaviour and teaches him that you are willing to put up with this.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and find someone who is going to put you, not cocaine, first.

nthclare

Kick this bastard to the kirb.
And kick him in the balls when he's down,so he won't get up again.

Metaphorically of course.

Addict's bring pain, confusion, highs lows.... and sometimes eventually death.

Even if he gets recovery and help he'll be a mess for at least 8 year's...

He'll be caught up in a 12 step programme, find recovery friends and he'll be going to NA and AA meetings, then you'll end up in Alanon or Naranon....

A cycle of destruction lies ahead.....

Get rid of the ****er... he's a leech

zoobizoo

I was briefly seeing a woman a few years back. Early 30s.

After a night out drinking she started getting a bit abusive verbally.

That was it for me.

The thoughts of dating lairy drinker put me right off.... and the thought of someone turning nasty when they'd had a few was enough for me to call time after about four or six weeks dating.

Despite her being very nice normally with a good job and many attributes, I wasn't prepared to put up with that then or in the future .

Now OP you've been through a whole lot worse than a lairy drinker and you seem prepared to take on a whole heap of **** from a drug addict and probably alcoholic.

I'd have to ask "why?"

Had you ever pictured yourself dating a drug addict?

I asked about alcohol earlier.

Ask him if he'll give up booze for good. If he doesn't then you've got confirmation that he won't be giving up coke any time soon.

If he doesn't and you stay with him..... More fool you.

Actually more fool you for reading all the good advice and thinking you've got something good go8ng on.

nthclare

I can see where the op is coming from.

On the outside addict's are usually charming, have a way of being funny witty and adapt to any scenario.

They're sometimes very attractive looking and have that bad boy vibe flowing outward s.
Which some women and men find intriguing and attractive.

They use the trauma bonding technique, look up "trauma bonding" narcissists and sociopaths use it too.

Basically they love you then **** you over, and you are gaslighted so much you're afraid to leave and afraid to stay.

It's like a drug, a codependent or low self esteem woman or man suit addict's because any person with an ounce of dignity and self respect would run to the hills.

Unfortunately it's up to you op, pain or happiness...

Hopefully you'll choose the right straw....

Big Bag of Chips

Another thing to bear in mind, OP, is where the blame lies any time he "slips". You're only 2 months in and already it sounds like you're making excuses for him. First of all he moved away from all his friends (presumably who were the cause of his previous drug use), but now he is working with a fella who offers it to him. He's "socially isoloated" too (is that another excuse as to why he might end up using?) He has a stressful job etc etc etc.

Most people who move to a new area for work are socially isolated. They konw nobody until the make a few friends, through work, hobbies etc. It's funny though. I've been in the workforce over 20 years - and I have NEVER been offered cocaine by a colleage. Ever! Funny how this fella seemed to just "find" your boyfriend.

You asked for "impartial persepctive" and you got it. In surround sound. You are choosing to ignore everything, thinking somehow your fella is different. Or you're different. It'll be different this time, because he has come so far and means it this time. You mean more to him. He knows he's not getting any chances (except for the 3 times already that he has disappeared for the weekend...?)

If you are intent on giving this a go I would give it until the next weekend he disappears without trace, be that on a bender or "camping". If he has a habit of just going off radar then you need to also consider if that is something you can accept as a girlfriend. Obviously if this progresses then you will be in a proper relationship, end up living together, maybe having a family, sharing a joint account? How would allt hat work if he disappears every so often without notice?

Harika

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Another thing to bear in mind, OP, is where the blame lies any time he "slips". You're only 2 months in and already it sounds like you're making excuses for him <-snip->

Adding to that, the general consensus in this forum in general is, that in the first months you are in the honeymoon period and everything should be fluffy and awesome. You already have this drama early in and this won't get better anytime soon. Like some poster here mentioned with his/her experience with addiction, it is a very long road and it will be filled with relapses, lies, tears and stress.

LegacyUser

He sees you as a new cash injection. He will fill you in with as much lies and excuses yet offer some half truths when he is feeling down to keep you believing.

He will suck you dry financially and emotionally and is delighted he has bagged a gullible woman who seems desperate to be in a relationship at any cost

You have been told by 100% of the posters here and with personal experiences. None have given you any indication that it might work out for you

You are being extremely foolish and if your parents and family knew what a silly silly situation you are potentially about to bring on yourself and your family's


IF you still think it is worth pursuing this relationship, you are frankly a fool

Bobtheman

Bottom line is he still needs treatment. He needs to go into treatment center. Without that he is going nowhere. You are helping him ruin himself. Tell him do rehab and you will meet him after it. It's only a couple of weeks.

Bobtheman

dgdfg wrote: »

He sees you as a new cash injection. He will fill you in with as much lies and excuses yet offer some half truths when he is feeling down to keep you believing.

He will suck you dry financially and emotionally and is delighted he has bagged a gullible woman who seems desperate to be in a relationship at any cost

You have been told by 100% of the posters here and with personal experiences. None have given you any indication that it might work out for you

You are being extremely foolish and if your parents and family knew what a silly silly situation you are potentially about to bring on yourself and your family's


IF you still think it is worth pursuing this relationship, you are frankly a fool

A bit simplistic . Denies fact that people do change. But the guy must change and show it first