Advice for new relationship -he has addiction issues

LegacyUser · 25-11-2018 04:28AM #1

Would like some impartial perspective please. I've been dating a guy for about 2 months, both early thirties. He's a really wonderful guy so far and has ticked all of my boxes. We really have clicked and feels like we know each other forever, at 31 I've kissed enough frogs to know a special connection when I get one!

We had loose plans to meet one weekend early on, but when I called him he never answered, I text once then left it, he got in touch late the next afternoon saying he had been at a party and lost his phone. I figured it was a bit more chaotic than he painted it but it was early days, none of my business, I didn't make a big deal.

The next weekend we had very firm plans for me to meet his friends, it was agreed I would call him when I finished work and we'd all meet up, several calls and texts and me hanging around town waiting like an eejit, I went home disappointed and disrespected. He got in touch the next day profusely apologising for his treatment of me, asking to meet up and explain.

He made no excuses, cried, was honest about his problematic coke use, if he's offered it or he has one line, he's on a rager and can't stop. He said in his twenties he lost everything because of it. Because everything else about him is wonderful, I agreed to move forward and am understanding but was clear that I would not tolerate dishonesty about it, ongoing cancelling of plans, poor treatment etc. He has since been very open about he's been working on it in the past years and knowing his triggers, exploring why etc. That his self esteem has been low since those 2 nights, beating himself up and really wanting to work hard and beat it. I was very supportive and he was very thankful.

He has recently moved from another area and is socially isolated, he only knows work people and me here, it's a colleague from work who has offered him these 2 times Friday after work (that night he blew his friends off too, not just me), he knows no one else here yet. He has a very good, high paying job but has been honest that he has past debts from partying.

Just to be clear, I am not anti drug use and have used drugs recreationally since my teens -coke, ecstacy etc. More often in my twenties, almost every weekend, but now no more than 1 night twice a year or so. I definitely do not have 'an addictive personality' I love coke and in theory would love to do it frequently but don't want it interfering with my weekends, job, etc. I've grown out of that party stage. Even if I was partying every weekend, it would be difficult to spend so much on it that it affects finances with a good job, and I would always be present and be able to text, call, have my keys etc.

Tonight we had loose plans for him to meet my friends if he wasn't working late. Texted him about it last night (Fri) to see if he was still free, no text or call back at all today, it's now sat evening. He would never be out of contact that long so I'm guessing another bender. I told my friends he had to work, concerning that I'm making excuses for him already. I don't want to get my friends advice as if he does get his act together and we continue to see each other, I don't want to spread his sensitive personal business to my friend's, not fair to him.

Does anyone with experience of disordered substance use or having a partner with this issue have any advice for me? I am through with dead end dating and refuse to put my energy in to people who are unavailable emotionally, not committing etc. I've done a lot of work on myself and the treatment I'm willing to accept, now I've found someone the opposite, emotionaly open, wanting a relationship etc but he has this issue. I really really like him but obviously I'm not in love yet, should I walk away now before love and attachment clouds my perspective.

I don't want to be making demands unduly but what boundaries can I set here that is fair to me but also understanding that addiction is an illness and recovery is a process. Can his behaviour right now sustain a relationship, bearing in mind in the future we could have joint finances etc. Maybe he cannot have a healthy relationship right now. Or am I over reacting fearing that it may get worse in the future. I'm open to giving a great guy a chance but am I being a fool? If you are staunchly anti drug use your advice may not be too impartial, can anyone with experience or understanding of recreational drug use advise? Thank you so much.

December2012 · 25-11-2018 06:17AM

This just seems like a lot of work early in doesn't it? I would be cutting my losses and ending it.

His behaviour is messing you around and at odds with the lifestyle you say you want.

Don't put up with sub standard relationship (If you can even call it that) just because you are sick and tired of dating.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-11-2018 06:23AM

He's already disappearing for days with no contact and you're already lying and covering for him. It's unlikely to get better. He has an addiction. Addicts lie. Every word out of their mouths is said for their own benefit. They will cry, beg, promise and at the same time lie and steal. He has drug debts and is still going on the missing list on benders. He is definitely not clearing his debts and trying to move away from that scene.

You said you're sick of dead end dating. Looks like you're not done with it yet. It's early days and already he is letting you down and you're lying for him. You spoke with him. You told him what you wouldn't tolerate. He then did all the things you said you wouldn't tolerate and you are still there. The more chances you give him the less likely he is to sort himself out.

My friend is currently going through the process of separating and divorcing an addict. She made all manner of excuses for him. Gave him chance after chance. Lied for him. He left her penniless and broken with 2 small children. He cried. He promised. He begged for help. She left and came back so many times. It never changed.

My only advice to you is get out before you get sucked in any deeper. My friend started going out a with him when he was 20/21. And made excuses that he was young, he'd grow out of it. Then thought when they got a mortgage he'd cop on. Then thought when they had a baby he'd cop on. Then thought the responsibility of 2 children would make him cop on. Then thought getting married might change him. He is now almost 40 and he still hasn't copped on.

Walk away now, OP. This is not going to end well for you. His addiction is coming first above you, every time.

amdublin · 25-11-2018 08:13AM

What you've described....

Is this the kind of relationship you want? Because this is it. It's never going to change.

Hard I know, but you need to finish this now.

In fact. That's probably the best way for it to have any chance of change. You leave. He realises over a long course of time what he's lost. He sorts himself out and you meet again in a few years.
I repeat. A few years!

Do you want agony for the rest of your life?
No one would choose yes to.this. Leave now.

Sorry op

Geminigal · 25-11-2018 08:42AM

I agree with all the posts above I'm afraid. You sound like such a grounded and
Understanding person. I think it's quite evident you have done work on yourself otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. Maybe this is a big part of the work and it's to prove to yourself that you are worthy of a better relationship than this and walk away. I feel for you but feel getting out now is the best idea for you for now.

SeptemberBaby · 25-11-2018 09:47AM

Get out now. He is not in the place to give you what you want. I know hoelw tough it is when you find that someone you connect with but he isn't in the headspace to be in a relationship.

ConnyMcDavid · 25-11-2018 09:53AM

I dont think you will but Get out now. It will be easy to slip into his habits.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-11-2018 10:23AM

Just think, OP, he is now early 30s. He says he lost everything in his 20s. And still nothing has changed for him. He will have had family, friends, girlfriends in the past who will have had exactly the same conversation you did. They will have seen the tears, heard the promises. And yet here he is, still the same.

He hasn't changed in all those years. How many chances are you willing to give him? He has already used 1.

mr_cochise · 25-11-2018 10:53AM

Get out OP! Get out now!

lawred2 · 25-11-2018 10:56AM

I'd be adding him to the list of frogs..

Why on earth would you want to willingly get entangled with someone who has such an addiction?

Get. Out.

You're only codding yourself that he's 'wonderful'.. those tears are crocodile tears and serve only himself.

Sittingpretty · 25-11-2018 10:59AM

Absolutely leave and don’t look back.

You’re only two months in and it’s already lousy.

delly · 25-11-2018 11:03AM

OP, this is one of those defining points in a relationship where you have a clear picture of how a personality trait in a new partner has the possibility to total F your live up for many years to come. You need to end it and end it ASAP while the damage to you is minimal. I get the impression that you may want to be tolerable to his issue as you dabbled in it at one point and to not be would be hypocritical, but feck that, look after number one ahead of any other feelings.

LegacyUser · 25-11-2018 11:10AM

Hi, I'm not anti drugs, I've had fun experimenting with a few in my college years though never took coke. My friends group at the time though used to take it and one in particular got heavy into it. I'm currently friends with people that like yourself would occasionally take ecstacy/coke and I myself would be open to trying again.

So you know, and I know, there's a big difference between someone who uses and someone who has fun with drugs from time to time. He uses. He can't say no, he can't stop, he f*cks his life up cos of coke, he lets a new girlfriend down and puts that budding relationship at risk, but he still can't say no.

I've friends that went down his path. I saw recently he is clean healthy married with a baby. He looks happy. But he had to move to Australia and break completely with his old friends and way of life.

I've another friend who was in a high paid stressful job, he ended up getting his act together after he owed serious money, was in an awful state and his parents put him in rehab. He admitted he needed to change though. He recovered and found sport. He replaced one unhealthy addiction with another (triathlons). He now has a lovely supportive girlfriend and is doing well.

I'm into sport myself and have found a lot of ppl like himself- ppl with addictive personalities, with the tendency to take things to extremes either with drugs alcohol and in this case sport

I think ppl either have addictive personalities or they dont. The lucky ones realise it, work on finding a healthy outlet for it, find a way to cope with their triggers and how to combat them. They use coke or drink to deal with other internal issues maybe extreme stress, unhappiness, mental imbalance, past trauma, self esteem....

In the cases of those who recovered, they all had to hit rock bottom first, and realise and accept they needed to change. They all had to be alone too while recovering- they needed to work on themselves and figure out their ****, be able to support themselves when they encountered triggers, to find coping mechanisms from within, not relying on someone else's support (because you can either walk away from that support and end up using again, or that support can walk from you).

I think it's a shame you found such a lovely guy with a problem. But I don't think he's fixed it yet. He might in the future like the friends I mentioned, or he might not. I don't think though that I would try to stay and fix him myself. And I also don't think he's in a position to be in a relationship with you until he gets himself sorted out. He might want to, but I don't think it's fair on you and I can't see himself able or willing to put in the work to recover when he has an emotional blanket (you) to fall back on when he f*cks up.

ANXIOUS · 25-11-2018 11:28AM

That's not recreational drug use, that seems like a full blown addiction. In 8 weeks he has cancelled plans 3 times, that's nearly 50% of the time. That's a straightforward good bye.

ginandtonicsky · 25-11-2018 02:15PM

Judgementcall wrote: »

I am through with dead end dating and refuse to put my energy in to people who are unavailable emotionally, not committing etc. I've done a lot of work on myself and the treatment I'm willing to accept, now I've found someone the opposite, emotionaly open, wanting a relationship etc but he has this issue.

This left me cold. It is EXACTLY how I felt about my ex when our relationship began after years of me "dead-end dating" too. Finally, someone who really really likes me, is emotionally expressive and willing to commit!

He struggled/s with alcohol issues and I naively set that aside at the beginning, thinking "sure I get sh1tfaced too, we all do", didn't see it for the red flag that it was given how strong the emotional connection was.

He was a great guy too, but the lying, denying, deceiving, disappointing, gaslighting and emotionally manipulating destroyed me from the inside out. An addict will destroy your life, no matter what his intentions are or how great a person he is when he's sober. Please read BBOC's post a few times, sentence by sentence, and think about if that's the kind of life you want.

My ex was two people - affectionate, funny, loving, loyal, committed, sexy and endlessly good company when he wasn't in the grip of the drinking. And then a heartbreaking, devastatingly let-down of a mess when he was drinking. I could make no future plans with him - buy a house...how will he ever have the funds. Marry him...and inherit his financial mess of debt and destruction. Have kids...and raise them myself without any financial or emotional support. You see the implications of "this issue"? What kind of life do you want?

Don't be hoodwinked by the emotional connection and the good job and all the rest of it. Don't undo all the good work you've done on yourself. Hold out for a man that you can rely on and build a life with, not one that has already bailed three times in the two short months you've been together.

Kidchameleon · 25-11-2018 02:54PM

Forget about him, you will regret it if you dont.

zoobizoo · 25-11-2018 08:03PM

You don't say how he ends up in this situation....

I.e., i would imagine that he's out for a few drinks gets a bit drunk and then hasn't the capacity to say no when someone offers him a line.

If that's the case, he'd need to knock the booze on the head.... and how prepared would he be to do that.
?

cannotlogin · 25-11-2018 08:11PM

Do you not think you are worth more than playing second fiddle to addiction?

Get out early because it's only going to get worse. His bad experience has taught him nothing.

MissShihTzu · 25-11-2018 09:20PM

OP. Your boyfriend has told you and shown you more than once who he is and what he is. You must know this deep down, otherwise you would not have posted.

We've all been there. I myself went out with an alcoholic. Sweet, funny, kind and generous - When he wasn't on the sauce! I had to leg it before he totally brought me down.

You know what you need to do. Good luck!

leggo · 26-11-2018 02:10AM

This is not going to get better. It’s not going to go away. Listen to the advice everyone is giving you here and stop making excuses for him. This person is an addict and OP, you sound very intelligent, down to earth and savvy towards dating in one post alone...admit it, you know all of this already.

It’s time to show yourself the respect you deserve and run a mile from this. Why would you sign up for this when you know what’s coming? Why would you sign off on what’s ahead when you’re living it already? I know you’ve had disappointments, I know you say you feel a connection, you may be lonely and have the blinkers on as a result but seriously...being alone and having a happy life elsewhere is better than dealing with what’s to come here. This isn’t even a mild addiction that can be sorted with a stern conversation, this is someone in the early stages of dating, putting their best foot forward and still failing abysmally. This is a bad one.

Oh and that connection you speak of? Remember, too, that experienced addicts can be extremely manipulative because it’s a coping mechanism they develop out of necessity. I wouldn’t be so sure the connection is as deep as you think, maybe he’s just really good at faking it. Someone who’s had to piece their life back together after blowing it all would need to be.

Make the decision you know you need to OP. You won’t regret if you do, but I guarantee you’ll regret it if you don’t. As I said above, from your OP you sound extremely emotionally intelligent and switched on, knowing what you like/dislike. That’s such a rare trait and one that a good potential partner will love about you, give it to someone who deserves it and see yourself as worthy of waiting for the person that does rather than pissing it away on a hiding to nothing with this lad and breaking your heart in doing so.

Keyzer · 26-11-2018 10:31AM

You already know the answer OP - this guy is a ticking time bomb, sure to cause you nothing but pain and grief.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2018 11:35AM

Judgementcall wrote: »

I agreed to move forward and am understanding but was clear that I would not tolerate dishonesty about it, ongoing cancelling of plans, poor treatment etc.

[...]

Can his behaviour right now sustain a relationship, bearing in mind in the future we could have joint finances etc.

He's an active addict. If there's one thing that's 100% certain, it's that he'd going to put his addiction before you, every single time. It's not something he can help, not something you can demand he not do. You can set all the red lines in the world, he will cross them. It won't matter in the future if you have a once in the lifetime holiday planned, a wedding, you have kids, if you're ill - if he hits the coke, that's it, he's letting you down. Guaranteed.

If he can get to a point where he can get help and get himself out of the situations where coke is available, then yeah, maybe the rest of him can shine through and you can both have a happy life together.

But is he in that place? It doesn't seem like it. He's 2 months into what seems like a great relationship, and he's already messing you about, even after "being honest" with you (he's not being honest, he's telling you the minimum he thinks you need to hear). You've told him what you won't tolerate, and he's gone and flaked on you again, despite his promises. He lost everything once before and it didn't wake him up, so it would seem he has a long way to go before he hits rock bottom - and that's usually the place people like this need to be before they change.

If you want a life of playing second fiddle to his addiction, to never being able to rely on him - especially when things get tough, to knowing that someday there's a good chance he'll take you down with him - then stick with him. Because that's all he can guarantee you. Anything else is just maybe, and it seems a little early in the relationship to hang around for maybes.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2018 12:37PM

The fact that he's lost everything before in the past and still does this says a lot. He clearly didn't learn much about how his behaviour can affect others, if he did he would care enough to let you go and wouldn't want to suck you in more.
My ex was a problem drinker, there were drugs too but it started with alcohol. I would never go through that again.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2018 12:41PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just think, OP, he is now early 30s. He says he lost everything in his 20s. And still nothing has changed for him.

+ 1 this is the part that jumped out at me to OP. He knows he has a problem that has impacted badly on his life yet he's not changed, he still takes coke when he knows he can't handle it. Honestly not worth dealing with IMO

Sephiroth_dude · 26-11-2018 01:14PM

Don't date this person , it will lead to nothing but heartache for you, end it for own sanity.

ginandtonicsky · 26-11-2018 01:42PM

nomen est omen wrote: »

He lost everything once before and it didn't wake him up, so it would seem he has a long way to go before he hits rock bottom - and that's usually the place people like this need to be before they change.

Agreed. FWIW, once I broke up with my ex he got himself into therapy and gave sobriety the first true, genuine chance in all the time I knew him. He's still drinking from what I can gauge through various circles, but he wasn't even willing to address a different life until he lost me and our home together.

I'm not a therapist and retrospectively there was definitely an element of co-dependency in the relationship, the repercussions of which I'm still dealing with now, a year and a half later.

Someone said something to me that really stuck though, and I try to apply it now as I begin to date again. Go for someone who brings you up, instead of dragging you down. Life will have its trials and tribulations for sure that all couples will have to face together, but as someone who sounds quite together and ambitious, I can't imagine being dragged down to the level of trying and failing to change someone and getting lost in all of their unhealthy habits and behaviours and dealing with the fallout of that - your own mental health potentially at risk - is something you should be willing to jump into at any cost. Feelings are just feelings. They require scrutiny and evaluation when it comes to looking for that partner that will be directly involved in your happiness as a human. Feelings pass with time too.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2018 04:03PM

Hi, OP here. Thank you so much for all of your responses and for taking the time to write them to me. I knew that most of them would be similar but I have to say I wasn't expecting them all to say the exact same thing. All of you have different backgrounds, experiences, opinions and still on the same page, I can't ignore that.

Someone asked if he was prepared to give up drinking as it leads to coke, that is something he brought up himself that he will need to do if he can't get a handle on it after the first 2 binges, which were a weekend back to back. He said if he can't stay away he's prepared to give up alcohol entirely. I guess he's hoping he won't need to. Not fully committing.

I was all set to break up with him. I had no intention of contacting him before he contacted me himself. He got in touch Monday morning, to say he had had a weird week and had took off camping after work Friday, got back late last night and feels back to himself now. He is a big wilderness outdoor person and does camp by himself a lot, he has talked a lot about hiking and camping in nature being his solace, has all the gear, maps, photos, we don't live in Ireland, it's not unusual here.

Hes at work so I didn't want to go in to it too much now and disrupt that, I just said that I didn't have a good weekend as I was worrying about him being on a bender all weekend, and that I was ready to finish with him as this would be the first bender after our discussion about his addiction and that an active addict not in recovery can't be in a relationship. I said part of me doesn't believe the camping part, and that as he's trying to beat it himself instead of with professional help, the odds aren't good and I'm naturally going to be hypervigilant to him disappearing for 2 and a half days, that I feel like if he was heading off camping he would have told me. I said it's awful to not believe you if it's true but I'm just being honest and from my shoes I think it's fair. I said we'll talk about it another time, don't want to disrupt his work. Will be interesting to see how he responds..

cailin. · 26-11-2018 05:25PM

This guy is laying out all of his emotional issues and red flags right on the table.
Take away the cocaine addiction and his behaviour indicates that he isn't particularly bothered about your plans. You seem to have loose plans and in 8 weeks he has cancelled 3 times...? Huge red flag.

To me it seems like you're settling for this guy because you're fed up of dating without success. Why would you want to settle for someone with so many issues and so much baggage? Sorry if it seems harsh but regardless of "recreational drug use" this guy likely won't make a partner who you'll consider a joint bank account with. There's just so much drama for 2 months. It should be fun and exciting but you're left sitting around on weekends because he is more bothered about his bender than you.
That is not OK. Draw the line. You deserve better.

Big Bag of Chips · 26-11-2018 05:39PM

Did he just completely disregard/forget the plans you had?

My friends husband used to (still does) give the same lines about cutting down the drink (never giving it up, mind you).

I don't know, OP, I suppose for your own sake you probably feel like you need to give him a chance to see what happens. You know what's going to happen though. My friend knew in her heart that he would never change. He'd change, briefly. But inevitably he'd always end up back the same. When she eventually walked away she was much stronger. Because she knew she had listened to him time and time again. She listened to the promises. She saw the tears. She gave him, realistically about 6 of 7 years of 'last chances'.

Now, he's still the sand. Still promising. Still crying. Still lying. Only trouble is, now he's promising and lying to his children. And it is having a massive affect on them.

fifi_gal · 26-11-2018 06:10PM

Hi OP,

I have to agree with all of the posts above. I started seeing a guy about a year ago. He was straight up after a few dates and told me he had a cocaine addiction that he was trying to beat. I said I would be supportive but as time went on he would be doing it maybe once every 3/4 weeks. He once came and met me on a Sunday after being up all night doing coke and having had no sleep. The cancelling plans things sounds familiar, he would be out 'for a few' and supposed to meet me afterwards and next thing he couldn't leave etc, etc. Nothing came between him and his drinking/drugging. He started justifying it saying he used to do coke multiple times every weekend whereas now it was only every few weeks.

Like your guy he also had an amazing side and we had a spark that I hadn't had with anyone in years. I was mad about him and he said he was about me too, making future plans etc. Then after 6 months out of the blue he finished with me because he was in a 'bad place' mentally. I was devastated. We met up a few months later and tried again for a few weeks but again he just went AWOL on me. Long story short there were a million red flags and everyone warned me how it would turn out but I ignored it. It's been a couple of months since we finished things again and I'm still struggling to get over it and definitely not in a head space to meet anyone new. So I've pretty much wasted a year of my life on him.

I can almost guarantee things will work out like that for you if you decide to pursue things with this guy. Maybe he really was camping for the weekend, maybe he really is trying to change. But unless he's willing to take massive steps, i.e. start a treatment program or try completely abstaining from alcohol you will be going through this exact scenario again in a few months time.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2018 06:15PM

OP again. The plans were loose because he may have had to work late so I just said he was welcome to join us if he wasn't working, he really wanted to and asked a lot about meeting them other times but I couldn't or they had to cancel once.

Anyway he responded and said that he deserves the lack of trust, that he wasn't offended (I said I hoped he wasn't) He said that work was awful this week (I was working late a lot this week, we didn't get to talk much) and he needed to get away and reset (maybe camping was his positive alternative to using) He said he silenced his phones and left, that he knew if he talked to me he'd want to stick around and wait for me to come with him the next night (I love camping too) but he just wanted to get out there asap. He said he understands why I have reason not to believe him, which he said sucks but is fair.

I told him that it made me realize that there is a lack of trust, which is hard to build a relationship on, and that I do have fears that even though he's clearly come a long way, cut out old friends, stopped socialising at his old haunts, got a massive promotion and works long hours, paid off debt, he still had 2 blow outs recently, that im afraid everything will blow up again. That I don't want to put demands on him but he can't disappear like that without warning without me thinking he's on a bender. That he can't just put his head down and beat it without professional help and he can't get help because someone else wants him to and that most people would tell me to walk away now.

I'm not going to break up with him over text anyway so I'm sure we'll meet at some stage and talk about it. I wish I could guarantee that I'll do it but I know myself I'll probably pull back a bit emotionally, put some major boundaries in and wait and see. I feel like I do want to give him a chance. Hes made big steps but he really needs to go professional and make big steps now. I do have friends who have been in his situation and have completely turned their life around. It's early days, will keep it a bit casual for next couple of months, If nothing changes I assure you I'll be out of there. This is a young relationship, no marriage, no kids and I can walk away easy, but just want to give one chance. It's possible with me coming on stronger with the boundaries it won't be worth the effort to him and he'll run away after we discuss it,but that's fine coz there's my answer anyway.

I've been single by choice (but not enjoying the fact) for years because I won't put up with ****. We are exclusively seeing each other, not officially in a relationship. Depending on the conversation I'll keep dating him but the next whiff of not committing to recovery I will be gone. I know most of you will be shaking your heads but it's a process. I know I am strong enough to walk away after one failed chance.

Advice for new relationship -he has addiction issues

Comments