How do I get out of this?

Lucky escape18 wrote: »

Think of his other ex, the one he had a child with. She is stuck with him FOREVER!! You may have been screwed out of €3k but you are free of him. I'd rather lose €3k! Well worth a ticket to freedom ;-)

You'll be fine, OP. You've learnt a hard lesson but one that will stand you in good stead. All the best.

Thank you so much

ChrissieH wrote: »

It sounds like you are just going to have to repay this debt and learn a very hard lesson, unfortunately. A lot of what you wrote sounds like my own relationship situation but thankfully without the nastiness and the break-up.
What I found out was that my partner was secretly gambling and just like you, I thought maintenance was more than sufficiently taken care of, but it turned out that he wasn't paying half the time. This is on top of never having money to contribute at home.
I am still with my partner but please please let me tell you that this loan is a harsh life lesson that you should gratefully receive.. what was the alternative with this man? You'd have stayed in a relationship with him for another few years, at which point you'd probably have doubled your debt because of him.

I can't see any way that you can get him to repay you, I don't even see what the point is of telling his child's mother, unless you're doing it as a sisterly warning to her, but in my opinion, you have just lost a lot of money to a con-man and you have to pay it back and move on from him completely. The chances are that he's extremely manipulative and if you get bogged down in trying to keep some sort of communication going with him for the sake of getting repaid, I would think you could find yourself in a worse situation than you are now; he will use you again for money or a relationship or something. Cut all ties and thank your lucky stars that you didn't marry him!

Oh he was very manipulating. He knew how to speak to me and he knew how I would fall hook, line and sinker, every time. I was that deeply in love with him, I would of done anything and that anything was landing myself in a debt that I secretly and didn’t want to admit, that he would never pay off. I hoped that he knew I was helping and that he was helping to contribute, but no. That wasn’t the case. He was a liar. He barely contributed to his child, resulting in a letter stating he owes more money.

I think the main reasoning to tell the mother was to frighten him but the more I think about it, nothing frightens him. I would be causing drama for a pointless reason. I’m sure the mother knows what he’s like, maybe she doesn’t, I don’t know but dragging more people onto the situation will cause me to find it harder to carry on. In fact, I’m sure If he has told her, he’s probably told her a completely different story and she will have an imagine that I’m an ex who doesn’t leave him alone. God knows what he has or hasn’t told her.

I’ve been off the phone to his parents and I had to tell them that I have to cut ties with them. They were ringing me out of concern then telling me what my ex had been up too. I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know what he’s been up too. His parents know about the money he owes me and they are disgusted and ashamed of him, but yet they’ve done nothing about it either. My ex was controlling. Everything in his life is controlled. His child is his main priority, that’s thoroughly understandable but he doesn’t understand that treating other people disgustingly doesn’t get him far. Maybe he’s learned a lesson too and won’t do it to the next person, I don’t know but what I do know is that I’m not going to cry myself to sleep anymore. I’m not controlled anymore. I’m not being lied too anymore. It hurts that my ex treated me horribly but each day I’ve to remind myself that I’m thankful to not dread going home anymore. That I’m thankful I’m back in my parents house where it’s peaceful and calm. I can go to work and drive home without worrying what mood he is in. I can go to sleep without him having an outburst because I went to sleep before him. My ex hated when I went to sleep before him and I would have to stay awake until he fell asleep. It was draining. Mentally, emotionally and physically draining

ChrissieH wrote: »

Fair play to you Toxicity, (BTW, I wrote my reply to you earlier today without realising that there were 4 more pages of posts!! I'm only after realising it now so I see that you had already started to change your point of view as you got more and more responses)

It's hard to believe that after 10 years on-and-off, you have found yourself in this position, it's hard to take. Fair play to you for putting it out there and taking the responses on board, I can completely understand how you'd have wanted to keep this to yourself and hold onto hope that he'd do a U-Turn and come back asking for forgiveness etc, and I know another poster has said that they wouldn't be surprised if that still happens (I wouldn't either TBH.. he'll find it hard to find someone else to manipulate and control at this stage in life, as people get older & more mature, they're less likely to tolerate someone's crap - you had the bad luck to have had a long history with him so you were an easier target for him to manipulate IMO)
He sounds very narcissistic and you would have had a life of utter hell with him so it may be €3000 well spent now rather than spent later in life on a divorce xx

Thank you so much

It’s been a month. A month of tears and anger. A month of pain. I’m getting help from my counsellor, psychiatrist, family and friends and of course the bordsies so I’m not entirely alone. I’ve received so many advice and tips about what to do about everything but the result of it all is, I won’t receive my money. I can scream and shout at him. I can threaten him and I can hound him but he will never give me that money back. I haven’t accepted that it’s money well spent just yet haha. If it was money spent for the two of us, then I would gladly accept it but it was for him and for him only. It was money spent for his needs and I’ll never find out exactly what it went towards as I find he was spending money on needless things for himself. It was lovely he got to treat himself.....

I won’t regret accepting his proposal at the time. I was happy at that time and I genuinely thought he meant everything he said. It was all lies. Maybe I will wake up one day and laugh but right now, I can’t see past the horribleness of why he would propose when he knew he treated me disgusting. I’m thankful I didn’t marry him as I knew I could be in a worst place further down the line but right now, I think I’ve been hurt as it is, I’m not sure I’ll ever allow that to happen again. With anyone, being friends or a future relationship.

Today I can sit quietly and still and get motivated to do something. That’s something I couldn’t do a week ago. I’m getting there.

Thank you so much everyone X

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just think of it this way, by going after him for your money, you're inviting him back in to your life. You're inviting the abuse, manipulation. He doesn't have €3000 to give you. You will not get the money back in one lump sum. Ever. So even if he agrees a payment plan (he won't!) then you are agreeing to allow him access to you and contact with you for the next what, 3 years?

Allowing him control you, abuse you, and hold you ransom. Allowing him to contact you every second week when he doesn't have it this week, but will give it to you next week? Forcing you to chase him for it?

€3,000 is not to be sniffed at, but it's a small price to pay for getting away from that life forever. God love the mother of his child. Who will have to listen to him, his lies, his abuse, his manipulation for the rest of her life. God love his child who will have to grow up with that as a father.

Walk away. Pay the loan back as quick as you can. Any extra cash you have at all, throw it at the loan. And make sure the day you pay back the last repayment is a day you go out and celebrate. Stay away from him. 10 years of on again/off again should make you realise that this was never going to be "on forever". If you were meant to be you would have been. And it would have been an awful lot easier than it was.

Do not get reeled back in. Do not listen to "it's you I love". He has has had 10 years of the same carry on. Nothing will ever change.

Walk away, clear the loan, and live a happy life.

I’ll be ringing the bank tomorrow to see how much extra I can put towards the payment each week and see if I can get this “sentence” reduced haha. I’m not paying a lot back but it’s when I see it come out of my account, my own wages that is killing me.

He did have 10 years. We’ve had separate relationships in which he lied that he was with his ex for 5 of those years in which I was under the assumption they had previously split up, then I come to find, they had a baby. I entered other relationships because I was tired of waiting for him each time. Me being an idiot, felt sorry for the bast&rd. Dont ask me why, he told me that was what she wanted (?). His parents have told me endlessly how much they love their grandchild but he shouldn’t of had a child with his ex (?) Honestly the whole aspect of it all is a complete mind f€&k and I was sat in the back burner until he felt he “really loved me”. Again, stupidhole here fell for it all. The mother of his child had to message him a few times for the maintanence because he would “forget”. I ended up reminding him once or twice.

I plan on paying off the loan as quick as I can so I don’t have to be reminded continuously about it all and one day I hope to wake up and see that I got my lucky escape. I can’t see it now but I’m sure one day I’ll will. For now, I’m busying myself. I’m making sure each day I’m kept occupied so I’m not sat thinking about what has or had happened. I give myself a headache everyday because of it all but I try to make sure each day that I go to sleep because I’m tired, not because I don’t want to face anything.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The more I read about your dreadful ex, the less important that €3,000 seems. Don't get me wrong - it is a lot of money and it is desperately unfair that you're the one who's stuck with the debt. It looks like this loan may have hastened the end of your relationship. If that's the case, then it's a small price to pay. You are very lucky you've been able to walk away from this with "only" this debt hanging over you. If you had married him, had had a child with him or had borrowed more money you'd be in a much bigger mess. And that's before you count all the additional abuse he'd have heaped upon you. I don't know how to phrase the next bit without sounding patronising but here goes - Maybe this €3,000 story will teach you a lesson regarding people pleasing and being too kind. You sound like a lovely person and the only thing you did wrong was waste your heart on somebody undeserving of it. This was a bad relationship but maybe you'll take enough from it to be able to spot any warning signs in the future.

As for the people egging you on to try and get the money back. It's easy for other people to make the snowballs for you to throw. You're the one who has to deal with the fallout.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The more I read about your dreadful ex, the less important that €3,000 seems. Don't get me wrong - it is a lot of money and it is desperately unfair that you're the one who's stuck with the debt. It looks like this loan may have hastened the end of your relationship. If that's the case, then it's a small price to pay. You are very lucky you've been able to walk away from this with "only" this debt hanging over you. If you had married him, had had a child with him or had borrowed more money you'd be in a much bigger mess. And that's before you count all the additional abuse he'd have heaped upon you. I don't know how to phrase the next bit without sounding patronising but here goes - Maybe this €3,000 story will teach you a lesson regarding people pleasing and being too kind. You sound like a lovely person and the only thing you did wrong was waste your heart on somebody undeserving of it. This was a bad relationship but maybe you'll take enough from it to be able to spot any warning signs in the future.

As for the people egging you on to try and get the money back. It's easy for other people to make the snowballs for you to throw. You're the one who has to deal with the fallout.

That doesn’t sound patronising at all. That was a lovely message. Thank you

I completely devoted my love and time to him. I can’t sit here and tell you anymore what it was I loved about him or why I loved him. What he’s done to me was horrible and cruel and my trust in anyone at this minute, is gone. My counsellor asked me if I could name one thing I loved about him, what would it be. I couldn’t answer because my head was clouded with all the mental and emotional abuse he has put me through. In the 6 months that I lived with him, judged my 10 years of “knowing” him. I though I knew him and I thought I believed in everything he said and done but you don’t know someone until you live with them.

My friends and family are very supportive but urging that I get my money back, regardless. I’m not a violent or confrontational person so if I was to attempt anything, it would be me crying on the phone like an idiot begging for my money back. I’m not going to to that. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction. He made a fool out of me, I’m not going to make a fool of myself. I wouldn’t give him the time of day to hear my voice, nor do I want to hear his. My head is clouded with his face and voice and it’s bitter and angry. I don’t need that now. Not when I’m trying to just get myself back to normality.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're going to have to tell friends and family to back off and let you deal with this. They mean well and think they're saying the right things by going on about him, but it just keeps dragging it out for you.

If friends and family keep bringing him up tell them you want to change the subject. You don't want to spend another minute of your time getting annoyed over him. Tell them you will deal with the money issue yourself. You don't have to tell them what you do. Just tell them you are dealing with it and ask them to change the topic to something more interesting... Like the weather, or the price of turnips!

The price of turnips have gone ridiculous, especially in Aldi haha. I’ve spoken to my parents and they’ve agreed to step back and let me deal with the situation my way. I can thank them for that and I say one day, this’ll be a distant memory

Dampsquid wrote: »

Could u contact a debt collect agency. Even a dodgy one. Might put the frighteners on him by turning up at his place of work.

As much as I would love to do this, this wouldn’t frighten my ex in the slightest. I could try all attempts but I still won’t receive a penny of my money back. He’s in the mind frame that he’s done nothing wrong and if I drag people into this, well I might as well not bother leaving my house

A little bit of update in terms of this post if anyone is interest.

It’s been a month now. I still haven’t heard from my ex or anything in regards to money, I’ve accepted I’ll never get that back. I have his number deleted as well so I don’t contact him which I have no plans too either.

I’ve told his parents and siblings I’ve had to cut ties with them and I haven’t spoken to them which broke me even more because they were so good to me but I had to do it for myself. Parents and siblings were upset that I’ve decided to part ways with them but they understood completely. I’ve deleted their numbers as well.

I’ve been admitted to a day patient hospital for mental health reasons which is twice a week. Ive been going there on/off for a while due to other factors which my ex knew about and would often throw in my face or tell me there was nothing wrong with me, that’s another story. I’ve been told that my depression and anxiety have heightened since everything has happened so they’ve put me on medication for now to help me get through my days and actually get on with things. Only started the medication today so I’ve a while before it hits. Hopefully I can sleep easy now.

I’m back in work a few days a week now just to have some form of income and not struggle fiancially as well as everything else.

Family, friends and work colleagues have been extremely helpful and understanding.

So far it’s been okay. I’ve lost motivation to do anything but I’ve done more than I’ve done when I was with him. That’s a positive.

Thanks boardsies

ChrissieH wrote: »

Well done Toxicity, you've done a lot in a short space of time so it sounds like the only way is up for you now!

I'm sure the medication and the support you're getting in hospital will do the trick and it's always good to have a job to go to, it gets you out of your head and gives you some bit of structure.

I hope you go from strength to strength and you were 100% right to cut ties with your ex's family, regardless of how good & nice they are, you can't have that kind of half-connection to him, at least not for a while anyway. Maybe in the future you'll be able to be friendly with them but you really did do the right thing because otherwise, you are bound to keep hearing things about your ex, no matter how well-meaning or oblivious people might be.

Fair play to you, you're getting a second chance to live your life exactly as YOU want it, not to suit someone else. Best wishes with it!

Thank you, honestly