How do I get out of this?

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

I am in a bit of a situation that I know myself I don't think I can get out of, but I am hoping someone can help me or even defuse the situation. A bit of a backstory, recently split up with my ex due to no choice of my own. I took a loan out for him, I though I was helping him in a time of need. Generosity and kindness are my weakness and possibly stupidity. It's been 3 weeks I haven't heard one word from him since I left the house. Not one message or phone call in regards to anything, Im pretty sure he has blocked me. It's been three weeks of absolute hell for me. Anger, sadness, confusion, you name it. My ex and I were living together and engaged. He has a child in which I come to love and adore. I spent so much time with his kid that I ended up adopting the routine of the way they are in their mother's home. Feeding, naps, changing of clothes etc. He rarely asked me too but I was more than happy to help. I think I helped too much. The mother however, didn't know squat about me. She didn't know he had moved on, gotten engaged, lives with me and has me around their child all the time. I asked more than a few times why she never knew me and when she will be told, I was always told soon and left it at that. I come to find out, three weeks later through the grapevine, that he has been told he has to pay more than what was paying towards maintenance and I also found out, he was hardly contributing towards other things in the baby's life. I was under the assumption that he had everything under control in that area but I always offered to help in any way I can so he was never stuck. My ex works full time so he has a steady wage. He is a great father towards the child when they are around which was 3 times week. He was always on time picking his child up and dropping home. The loan, the baby and I'm pretty sure he stole other money from me as well. I can't prove that. My ex was always around his baby's mother, collecting her from her home and other places and dropping her home. I would be sat at home waiting for him so we could have dinner, among the list of verbal and mental abuse that I also received. There is a long long list of things he has said and done but the bottom of it all, he owes me money. I have to spend the next 5 years looking at money go out of my account. I gave him the money through cash and bank transfer. It was a hefty loan. My friends and family are adamant I should tell the baby's mother everything to frighten him into paying me back. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be petty about it. I have been to legal advice and they said, with no solid proof to him agreeing with a loan, I have no case. What should I do? I really don't want to spend the next 5 years living with a loan that I didn't even see a penny of.

judeboy101

<SNIP>
If you gave the money to him as a "gift" he maybe has tax implications so start by threatening him with revenue.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

judeboy101 wrote: »

If you gave the money to him as a "gift" he maybe has tax implications so start by threatening him with revenue.

Speaking of revenue, the wrote to him saying he owes extra money towards maintenance. If I tell revenue about the situation with the loan? Would that affect him? I don’t want to make it easy for him but I’m sure he’s already fuming over having to pay extra so me reporting that, will that have a major effect?

Addle

Revenue wouldn't issue such correspondence.

suicide_circus

have you spoken to a solicitor?

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

suicide_circus wrote: »

have you spoken to a solicitor?

Yeah. They said legally I haven’t anything to stand on. There was no written proof that he has asked me for a loan or agreed to pay me back. The loan is under my name so as far as everyone else can see, he doesn’t have anything to do with it. My bank just sees it as a loan I applied for and anything after that is really my problem. I’m stupid, I know but I just want my money back off him so I can just get on with things

banie01

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

Yeah. They said legally I haven’t anything to stand on. There was no written proof that he has asked me for a loan or agreed to pay me back. The loan is under my name so as far as everyone else can see, he doesn’t have anything to do with it. My bank just sees it as a loan I applied for and anything after that is really my problem. I’m stupid, I know but I just want my money back off him so I can just get on with things

If you have no signed IOU or acknowledgement of the debt by your Ex, you unfortunately have no legal recourse to force him to repay.
You can ask him to do the right thing, but it will be quite hard to force him to.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

banie01 wrote: »

If you have no signed IOU or acknowledgement of the debt by your Ex, you unfortunately have no legal recourse to force him to repay.
You can ask him to do the right thing, but it will be quite hard to force him to.

That’s exactly what I thought myself. I knew when he threw me out that I was going to have problems getting the money back. He doesn’t know how to do anything right. Between throwing things and verbally attaking me, I’m pretty sure if I went to confront him, I wouldn’t be walking. That’s how nasty he is.

judeboy101

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

Speaking of revenue, the wrote to him saying he owes extra money towards maintenance. If I tell revenue about the situation with the loan? Would that affect him? I don’t want to make it easy for him but I’m sure he’s already fuming over having to pay extra so me reporting that, will that have a major effect?

16k is threshold beyond that and its 33% CAT. But that's assuming you had a "relationship" which revenue will have to determine. It's a tough one OP, if you gave him more than 16k tell revenue, less, tell the baby momma and think it money well spent to get the scumbag. out of ur life.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

judeboy101 wrote: »

16k is threshold beyond that and its 33% CAT. But that's assuming you had a "relationship" which revenue will have to determine. It's a tough one OP, if you gave him more than 16k tell revenue, less, tell the baby momma and think it money well spent to get the scumbag. out of ur life.

Yeah? We were engaged so there was nothing in our names as we lived in his parents house. Friends and family are adamant to tell the mother, make him suffer that way but god only knows what the consequences will be. I’m actually stuck.

Addle

Revenue wouldn't issue such correspondence.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Addle wrote: »

Revenue wouldn't issue such correspondence.

I can’t imagine them listening to what I have to say and then they agree with me. Legally, I’m rightly f&€ked

LollipopJimmy

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

I can’t imagine them listening to what I have to say and then they agree with me. Legally, I’m rightly f&€ked

You lived with his parents? Tell them

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

LollipopJimmy wrote: »

You lived with his parents? Tell them

I did. They were shocked and said they would speak to him. Next time I spoke to his parents, they said that he didn’t want my name mentioned in the house again and it was the end of conversation. I was fuming when I was told this. His parents are afraid to confront him. Again, he’s nasty and controlling. My ex doesn’t know how to have a conversation without screaming and shouting so his parents barely mentioned the loan and verbally attacked them by demanding my name never to be mentioned. His parents can’t do much else

spaceHopper

If it's 3000 or less there is no tax implications even if you report him it won't do you any good in fact it could make it harder for him to pay you back. Write him a letter asking for the money back. Chances are he's bad with money and you'll never see it again. Why couldn't he get a loan on his own bad credit score? Look at it as a life lesson.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

spaceHopper wrote: »

If it's 3000 or less there is no tax implications even if you report him it won't do you any good in fact it could make it harder for him to pay you back. Write him a letter asking for the money back. Chances are he's bad with money and you'll never see it again. Why couldn't he get a loan on his own bad credit score? Look at it as a life lesson.

I was told by the solicitor as well to write a letter. It’ll be some form of proof that I asked for it back. Not much proof but sure. He’s not bad with money at all. In fact when I left, his parents told me that the weekly money I had been giving him towards rent, hadn’t been paid in about a month. I also found money in the wardrope when I was packing my clothes. The day I left the house I found out he was hiding money from me. I was under the assumption that the rent money I gave was being handed up straight away. Stupidity at its finest right here. All in good faith and get it thrown in my face

Edit: He had me believing that he had loans already and wasn’t allowed to apply for another loan

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

spaceHopper wrote: »

If it's 3000 or less there is no tax implications even if you report him it won't do you any good in fact it could make it harder for him to pay you back. Write him a letter asking for the money back. Chances are he's bad with money and you'll never see it again. Why couldn't he get a loan on his own bad credit score? Look at it as a life lesson.

The loan was 3,000. It’s not a lot to some people but to me, it’s money that I shouldn’t need to be paying off. The whole 3,000 was for him and I didn’t so much as get a packet of Tayto out of it

MissShihTzu

Write that letter through your solicitor. Tell his baby mama. If he pays? Happy days - Well and good. However, I would not count on seeing that money. Your ex is pure scum. He's played you and the baby mama for fools. I would bet good money he was flitting back and forth between the pair of you the whole time. Why else did he not tell her about you? And what (and who!) else is he hiding??

Chalk it up to bitter experience and move on. And NEVER give money to a man again! No matter how much he pleads and begs. Let him sink or swim on his own.

wiggle16

I agree with the sentiment above about moving on, apart from the singular fact of the loan. You loaned him €3000. That's huge money. Do not just chalk that up to experience. Pursue it. He has conned you out of money and even if there is no hope of getting it back I would tell the baby's mother.

Telling the baby's mother is not petty. He conned you out of €3000. Nothing you do to make life more difficult for him is petty.

Write the letter as the solicitor suggested.

As another poster has said, Revenue would not issue a letter saying that he owes money towards maintenance. They would not care about that. Revenue are only interested in collecting tax due on his income.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Write that letter through your solicitor. Tell his baby mama. If he pays? Happy days - Well and good. However, I would not count on seeing that money. Your ex is pure scum. He's played you and the baby mama for fools. I would bet good money he was flitting back and forth between the pair of you the whole time. Why else did he not tell her about you? And what (and who!) else is he hiding??

Chalk it up to bitter experience and move on. And NEVER give money to a man again! No matter how much he pleads and begs. Let him sink or swim on his own.

I had ideas during the relationship if he was hiding me for the purpose of keeping his baby’s mother in the equation. After I left and thought about it, I was starting to question if it was a case of those two just being a on a break because they would constantly text, not about the baby either. I had no qualms with her and those two texting but sometimes it was nerve wreaking. I was never in the loop with anything. I was basically told to not being the issue up in terms of telling her anything. My ex would drop me around the corner of her house and I would stupidly think I was doing him a favour. As for the sink or swim, knowing him, he will still do better than I am. He won’t see that he’s done anything wrong

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

wiggle16 wrote: »

I agree with the sentiment above about moving on, apart from the singular fact of the loan. You loaned him €3000. That's huge money. Do not just chalk that up to experience. Pursue it. He has conned you out of money and even if there is no hope of getting it back I would tell the baby's mother.

Telling the baby's mother is not petty. He conned you out of €3000. Nothing you do to make life more difficult for him is petty.

Write the letter as the solicitor suggested.

As another poster has said, Revenue would not issue a letter saying that he owes money towards maintenance. They would not care about that. Revenue are only interested in collecting tax due on his income.

I’m leaning towards the letter myself. I’ll be copying it. He would be smart enough to throw it away and claim he never received it. My ex always knows how to talk himself out of situations.
My main question would be, how do I tell the mother? Do I keep it short and simple? Do I tell her absolutely everything including being around her child and him taking money off of me? Also if I do tell her, what way would I expect her reaction to be?

leggo

I’m a bit confused...what are we hoping for from telling his ex? That she’ll give out to him or shame him around the community by telling others? Or that she’ll pay the money back herself? Or is it just a way of sticking the knife in? I might be missing something, but unless you feel she has a power over him that others don’t, I don’t see anything to be gained by going this route and it sounds like a lot of drama for minimal gain. He can simply shrug you off as a crazy person he dated briefly who he dumped and is bitter and trying to mess with him. If his parents got absolutely nowhere I doubt she will either.

Is there no text correspondence acknowledging the loan? How about bank records or did you take it out in cash when you got the €3000 and handed it over? If you got the loan then bank transferred it all to him then there’s proof right there, if you’ve got text correspondence acknowledging it it’s nailed on. If not, then he’s done his homework and there’s nothing more to really be done except writing it off as experience and moving on. Sorry this happened to you OP, that absolutely sucks.

pc7

I’d send the letter saying you want repayment of the loan (ideally if your solicitor sends it on headed paper).

As for telling his ex, don’t. If he’s how you describe he’ll weasel his way out of it, being his ex she likely knows what he’s like but seems to be CO-parenting well with him, for the child’s sake don’t cause drama. Close the door, try get your money and just block him on all platforms and move on. From how you described it you’ve had a lucky escape.

lawred2

Sounds the exact opposite of a "great Dad"

Either way, a solicitor needs to handle this. But at the end of it all you are legally responsible for repaying that loan.

seamusk84

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this situation for you.

I would suggest posting an official letter to him. Make it sound official with wording like -

“Failure to repay the funds will lead me to pursue a legal route. Please initiate a bank transfer for the entire amount outstanding by the 31st of December 2018. By doing this I will forgo pursuit of any outstanding interest.
Otherwise I will have no option but to engage legal council with a view to a personal judgement.”

Basically just to scare him into complying...Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

lawred2

seamusk84 wrote: »

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this situation for you.

I would suggest posting an official letter to him. Make it sound official with wording like -

“Failure to repay the funds will lead me to pursue a legal route. Please initiate a bank transfer for the entire amount outstanding by the 31st of December 2018. By doing this I will forgo pursuit of any outstanding interest.
Otherwise I will have no option but to engage legal council with a view to a personal judgement.”

Basically just to scare him into complying...Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

He needed a loan to pay for something. It's unlikely that he has the money.

Best she can hope for is him meeting the repayments

manonboard

Op


You're not going to get the money. Your post describes someone who doesn't have the money n doesn't even pay for his kid appropriately.
You pointed out he is a consistent well practiced liar that is emotionally abusive when angry which is when he is confronted about his bad behaviour.
The ex mother is already struggling to raise thier kid n get payment so she absolutely doesn't have power to convince him to pay YOU...

You entered a bad relationship. I know you are feeling all sorts of things right now n that's very very normal. For your own peace n learning, I think you need to acknowledge you know you are not going to get the money back.. N that anything about talking to HIS other ex is very much just going to cause increased suffering for people, n is a bit creepy you think you have communication rights with her because you are angry.
I think you've learned big lessons about this person's moral n ethical lines.. N just need to learn n move on.. Although I know that Sucks n feels very unfair op.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible ending so far. Nobody deserves that at all. Very sad.

LollipopJimmy

I'd be inclined to write the letter and if that yields nothing then I'd write it off and move on with your life. Look at it as a cost to getting rid of a toxic little ****e

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

leggo wrote: »

I’m a bit confused...what are we hoping for from telling his ex? That she’ll give out to him or shame him around the community by telling others? Or that she’ll pay the money back herself? Or is it just a way of sticking the knife in? I might be missing something, but unless you feel she has a power over him that others don’t, I don’t see anything to be gained by going this route and it sounds like a lot of drama for minimal gain. He can simply shrug you off as a crazy person he dated briefly who he dumped and is bitter and trying to mess with him. If his parents got absolutely nowhere I doubt she will either.]




I’ve told family and friends exactly what you said. His mind works in horrible ways and knowing him, he probably told her half a story and went out of his way to tell her that I’m an disgruntled ex. That’s not the case whatsoever. My word against his really. Their idea is to tell her and make him see that if he wants to be nasty, then I can too but the thing is, I’m not nasty or petty. No way am I expecting her to pay him back. That isn’t what I’m asking for at all. I done absolutely everything for him, running around after him and this is what he leaves me with.


[Is there no text correspondence acknowledging the loan? How about bank records or did you take it out in cash when you got the €3000 and handed it over? If you got the loan then bank transferred it all to him then there’s proof right there, if you’ve got text correspondence acknowledging it it’s nailed on. If not, then he’s done his homework and there’s nothing more to really be done except writing it off as experience and moving on. Sorry this happened to you OP, that absolutely sucks.

Some of the money was transferred to his account but not all of it. When I revived the money, he frightened me that much, I was ran around for a weekend trying to get the money out of my account, as you can only take out a certain amount. He had the audacity to give out to me because the money wasn’t in his account the next day. He was very controlling and took me a long time to realise any of this

Kidchameleon

I'd be more worried that I was losing contact with a child I had bonded with than a pretty small sum of money. You took out the loan, therefore you need to pay it back. You say its over five years? Thats a tenner a week roughly. Get it paid asap so you pay as little interest as possible. Take on extra hours. You knew this guy was an ahole and bad with money, why did you give it to him? Chalk this one up to experience and leave his parents & childs mother out of it, its got nothing to do with them.

Just pay it back asap, you signed up for it, deal with it & then get on with your life. Whenever you see a red flag again in relationship, run.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

pc7 wrote: »

I’d send the letter saying you want repayment of the loan (ideally if your solicitor sends it on headed paper).

As for telling his ex, don’t. If he’s how you describe he’ll weasel his way out of it, being his ex she likely knows what he’s like but seems to be CO-parenting well with him, for the child’s sake don’t cause drama. Close the door, try get your money and just block him on all platforms and move on. From how you described it you’ve had a lucky escape.

Thankfully I’m not on any form of social media and I only had his mobile number. I’m sure he’s blocked my number because I’ve tried contacting him a few times for my money.

SteM

You're not getting it back. Write it off and try to get on with your life with a lesson learned. Just be thankful you don't have a child with this lad that would tie you both together for years.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I'd be more worried that I was losing contact with a child I had bonded with than a pretty small sum of money. You took out the loan, therefore you need to pay it back. You say its over five years? Thats a tenner a week roughly. Get it paid asap so you pay as little interest as possible. Take on extra hours. You knew this guy was an ahole and bad with money, why did you give it to him? Chalk this one up to experience and leave his parents & childs mother out of it, its got nothing to do with them.

Just pay it back asap, you signed up for it, deal with it & then get on with your life. Whenever you see a red flag again in relationship, run.

Funnily enough I didn’t know he was bad with money until he threw me out of his house. My ex had me so convinced that he had everything under control that I was just helping him pay off something quickly until he got the actual amount back. I was under the assumption that when it came to the baby and for money, that he was paying for everything. He wasn’t. When I left I found out he wasn’t even paying rent and actually hiding money from me. I genuinely didn’t know he was bad with money. Had I known, I wouldn’t of applied for a loan in the first place. It was later when I found money in the room and then I found out more details. I would love to say during the course of the relationship that I had questions about money and what he was doing, but I didn’t. He doesn’t get poor wages either so I know he’s not struggling.

lalababa

Wouldn't you have a case for the small claims court?

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

SteM wrote: »

You're not getting it back. Write it off and try to get on with your life with a lesson learned. Just be thankful you don't have a child with this lad that would tie you both together for years.

That’s what I have to tell myself. I feel sorry for his ex in terms of having to deal with him for the rest of her life. My ex would tell me that they planned to have a baby and then he claimed he was thrown out of her house which I’ve soon realised that it was probably the case because of his conteolling ways, his lies and angry outburst

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

lalababa wrote: »

Wouldn't you have a case for the small claims court?

I doubt it. We had an agreement that he then decided that that wasn’t what he wanted to do. The agreement was to put the same amount of money I was paying back to a savings account and then when it built up, to pay me back. I thought that was a reasonable agreement. That way I was paying it back and he was putting the money away and would receive it at the end. Maybe in a few months. I was told that he had scrapped that idea. I didn’t know so I was with the idea of he was paying me back. There’s been no written proof. My ex had this way of convincing me that he means well. He proposed to me with the intentions of marrying me. My ex knew how much I loved him and he took advantage of that. I’m just thinking now, I remember one time he said something about me getting paid and when I do, to hand him the wages and whatever I needed, to ask for it. I outright said no. All because I was “spending too much” and he thought he was helping. I’m sure he lied about how much to give towards the rent as well. He was buying himself all sorts of things and I ended up buying the necessary things for us.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

manonboard wrote: »

Op


You're not going to get the money. Your post describes someone who doesn't have the money n doesn't even pay for his kid appropriately.
You pointed out he is a consistent well practiced liar that is emotionally abusive when angry which is when he is confronted about his bad behaviour.
The ex mother is already struggling to raise thier kid n get payment so she absolutely doesn't have power to convince him to pay YOU...

You entered a bad relationship. I know you are feeling all sorts of things right now n that's very very normal. For your own peace n learning, I think you need to acknowledge you know you are not going to get the money back.. N that anything about talking to HIS other ex is very much just going to cause increased suffering for people, n is a bit creepy you think you have communication rights with her because you are angry.
I think you've learned big lessons about this person's moral n ethical lines.. N just need to learn n move on.. Although I know that Sucks n feels very unfair op.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible ending so far. Nobody deserves that at all. Very sad.

I had an idea that I wouldn’t get the money back. I was hoping someone had a bright idea or advice haha. It’s a really hard truth to hear and I’m sick to my stomach about it but it’s a lesson learned. I know it comes across as me telling the ex about him paying me back but that isn’t what I want. My friends and family are saying it’s a case of he’s being nasty, I get nasty back in telling her that I was in her child’s life without her knowing. I wouldn’t scoop to be that petty. Although I’m sure I would get some form of relieve to make him realise that he can’t mess around anymore but again, it wouldn’t help anyone’s situation. Personally I would rather he knocked on my door, money in his hand and walked away. That would be an ideal ending to it all but hardly likely.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

seamusk84 wrote: »

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this situation for you.

I would suggest posting an official letter to him. Make it sound official with wording like -

“Failure to repay the funds will lead me to pursue a legal route. Please initiate a bank transfer for the entire amount outstanding by the 31st of December 2018. By doing this I will forgo pursuit of any outstanding interest.
Otherwise I will have no option but to engage legal council with a view to a personal judgement.”

Basically just to scare him into complying...Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a legal leg to stand on.

Best of luck.

Thank you for that. I’ll go back to my solicitor and get them to write a formal letter.

Unanimous

So sorry to hear what you have gone through.

If i were in your shoes i would have carried the money i saw he was keeping away with me when leaving his place.

I have learnt the had way when it comes to borrowing for loved ones and i really hope you get your money back.

I suggest you stand up to him to ask him for your money.

If he dares attack you, report him to the police.

I think you are just trying to avoid trouble but i strongly believe that he tries to be aggressive to frighten people into letting him have his way with them.

I would let him know he doesn't have the right nor power to do **** and if he is not careful, he will rot in jail cos i would be willing to speak up if he does anything stupid.

All the best.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Unanimous wrote: »

So sorry to hear what you have gone through.

If i were in your shoes i would have carried the money i saw he was keeping away with me when leaving his place.

I have learnt the had way when it comes to borrowing for loved ones and i really hope you get your money back.

I suggest you stand up to him to ask him for your money.

If he dares attack you, report him to the police.

I think you are just trying to avoid trouble but i strongly believe that he tries to be aggressive to frighten people into letting him have his way with them.

I would let him know he doesn't have the right nor power to do **** and if he is not careful, he will rot in jail cos i would be willing to speak up if he does anything stupid.

All the best.

All the money I found, I made him give it to his parents for the rent. His father told me that later on the evening I left, He handed him a wad of cash and said “he forgot to pay”. That itself was laughable. He has always been passive aggressive. Towards anything in life but I never taught he would abuse my kindness like that. I’ve had objects thrown at me, I’ve been told I wasn’t allowed to leave a room at one occasion and I’ve been mentally and verbally abused. He was an manipulator. You would of thought I would walk away at the earliest sign but I f&@&amp;king loved him. He knew that and still went out of his way to make me feel horrible about myself. I still made sure that he was okay. I still tried to look after him and in the end, he threw me out. I was starting to stand up for myself and he took that up as me starting fights. I would apologise for every single thing, even if it wasn’t my fault. You’re right, I’m terrified of him and what he will do. At the same time, I don’t want his shadow over me for the next 5 years. I’ve been thinking of going to the Guards and telling them the situation. Chances are they will laugh at me but I’m willing to go as far as I can legally to get his money and him out of my life

Kidchameleon

If you go to the guards you would be wasting your time and their time. They will do nothing. It is your debt, you must pay it. You made a bad investment, simple.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Kidchameleon wrote: »

If you go to the guards you would be wasting your time and their time. They will do nothing. It is your debt, you must pay it. You made a bad investment, simple.

I wouldn’t necessarily say bad investment. I would like to think I was helping a partner who I thought needed help and threw it in my face. I know I didn’t make the best decision and I didn’t get lucky about it either. I know the guards won’t help too much but if they can advise me on how to approach the situation might help a small bit.

SteM

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

I wouldn’t necessarily say bad investment. I would like to think I was helping a partner who I thought needed help and threw it in my face. I know I didn’t make the best decision and I didn’t get lucky about it either. I know the guards won’t help too much but if they can advise me on how to approach the situation might help a small bit.

I'm prtrey sure they'll tell you it's a civil matter and that's it.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

SteM wrote: »

I'm prtrey sure they'll tell you it's a civil matter and that's it.

That’s what I was thinking myself. Sometimes I wish I was in the mafia and this would be sorted haha. No but seriously all the advice and help has been great. It has saved me from running around in my head and making wrong choices.

Flippyfloppy

Just curious as to how long you were cohabiting with him and his family?

wellwhynot

You are not going to get that money back unfortunately as you cannot prove it was a loan. By all means write a letter if you wish but I don’t think it will have any effect.

Do not tell the mother of his child for revenge. Let it go and move on with your life.

dellas1979

That money is gone.

You need to get practical on how you look at this.

I loaned 1.5k to an ex (this is about 10 years ago).

We split up of course, and I never even bothered to ask him for the 1.5k back. He sounds exactly like your ex. I wasnt even bothered about money. I was glad Id gotton out. 1.5 or 3k is a small price to pay in my eyes vs a life time of unhappiness.

10 years later (a few months ago), bumped into him. He was full of "Im sorrys" and that usual tripe. I just nodded. Didnt really interact with him (really, I wanted to burst out laughing of what an awful human being is he/was). No mention of money though (surprise!). Made me laugh at how manipulative people can be.

You can thank God or whomever, that the debt is only for 3k. I know you are saying that is huge amount for you. You are going to have to find a way to do this yourself. The bank loaned it to you, you most have some pay back power.

3k over 5 years works out at e50/60 per month.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

wellwhynot wrote: »

You are not going to get that money back unfortunately as you cannot prove it was a loan. By all means write a letter if you wish but I don’t think it will have any effect.

Do not tell the mother of his child for revenge. Let it go and move on with your life.

I was hoping to not tell the mother. I didn’t have that intention as I genuinely felt that it was nothing to do with her. Family and friends think otherwise but they are fuming for me so any tactic towards him is supposed to make him see I’m not going to let him away with anything. Personally I don’t feel the need to drag anyone else into his games. I’ve come to accept, also reading all the replies, that fighting him for this money just isn’t going to work. I’m going to see if I can arrange with the bank if I can try and pay off the loan as quick as I can, ie pay more than I need too if I have too. I just want it off my back at this rate

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Just curious as to how long you were cohabiting with him and his family?

It’s a long relationship on and off stemming from when we were 15 until now. We were on and off, due to many other reasons. You would think it would be due to his attitude but over the years I’ve moved abroad and went into different relationships, as did he. My ex then made up this story about how it was always me he loved, I him and that he “never wanted to lose me again”. I fell deeply and hard for him and believed every word he said. 10 years of off/on and I moved in with him at the start of summer because he begged me too. His parents also asked me too move in. So given that he had promised me the world and put a ring on my finger, I was under the assumption that he meant everything he said. My ex made it seem like the relationship he had with his ex was an unhappy one due to always loving me (?), of course I fell for that as well. I had only lived with him 2 months and he done a 180 and everything was my fault and his abusive behaviour started getting worst, again, I took it all on because in my head I though maybe it’s just because he was stressed about other things in his life. No that wasn’t the case. He was just an abusive manuipilator who lied and stole from me. A few months later, I was still living with him and recently, he threw me out because of reasons I’ve yet to know as I was told to just leave.

t1h9mgqsxopj0r

dellas1979 wrote: »

That money is gone.

You need to get practical on how you look at this.

I loaned 1.5k to an ex (this is about 10 years ago).

We split up of course, and I never even bothered to ask him for the 1.5k back. He sounds exactly like your ex. I wasnt even bothered about money. I was glad Id gotton out. 1.5 or 3k is a small price to pay in my eyes vs a life time of unhappiness.

10 years later (a few months ago), bumped into him. He was full of "Im sorrys" and that usual tripe. I just nodded. Didnt really interact with him (really, I wanted to burst out laughing of what an awful human being is he/was). No mention of money though (surprise!). Made me laugh at how manipulative people can be.

You can thank God or whomever, that the debt is only for 3k. I know you are saying that is huge amount for you. You are going to have to find a way to do this yourself. The bank loaned it to you, you most have some pay back power.

3k over 5 years works out at e50/60 per month.

Fortunately I have friends and family who have been by my side since the situation has happened so I haven’t had a good minute to sit down and fully take in everything so right now, I’m determined to get my money back. In saying that, reading all the replies I’ve received from this post and the positivity I’ve read, I’ve realised that although it’s my own doing, it’s a lesson learned and that although kindness and weakness isn’t that horrible of a personality to have, I’ve to learn how to say no and understand that when something isn’t right, to leave. I should of left his house a long time ago but I was blindsided by love and fully believed he was going to be someone who I was going to settle with.

Sheedy234

Hayley High Cube wrote: »

Fortunately I have friends and family who have been by my side since the situation has happened so I haven’t had a good minute to sit down and fully take in everything so right now, I’m determined to get my money back. In saying that, reading all the replies I’ve received from this post and the positivity I’ve read, I’ve realised that although it’s my own doing, it’s a lesson learned and that although kindness and weakness isn’t that horrible of a personality to have, I’ve to learn how to say no and understand that when something isn’t right, to leave. I should of left his house a long time ago but I was blindsided by love and fully believed he was going to be someone who I was going to settle with.

My advice be glad he is gone and take the loss of the money, as prev poster said it's a small price to pay to get your life back. If you go telling the ex he could get very nasty and make ur life he'll and you will regret it. Move on with ur life and be happy you are rid of him. Best of luck