Do I have to invite my father to my wedding

heretothere · 24-08-2018 11:54PM #1

Ok I'm feeling guilty I'm not inviting my father to my wedding. He really wants to come I've had his partner call me to say how much it would mean to him and that he really wants to come. He said he'll sit in the back and not make any fuss but it will cause a stir.

He left when I was a small baby had no contract what so ever for well over 20 years. He made contact a few years ago. I meet him twice since both times I had to drive 5 hrs to where he lives and both times were a disaster. We had been talking on the phone approx 1 a week until a year ago and it just fell off then. We have nothing in common and it was always me that called.

My mam says she doesn't mind if he comes but I know it will upset her. I'm putting her feelings first. But I still feel guilty as his partner said I'm excluding him from such an important event in my life. I don't really know what to do. I am feeling guilty that I'm doing something wrong so just looking for some outside opinions please.

Thanks

Plague Maiden · 25-08-2018 12:01AM

<SNIP - No need to quote OP in first response>

I think it's very understandable that you're not inviting him. Try not to feel bad. You're doing the right thing in putting your mam first. Your dad excluded himself from your life so both he and his partner will have to accept that a lot of water has gone under the bridge over the past two decades. If you want to mark the occasion with your father perhaps you and your wife/husband could arrange a small celebration with him and his partner. A nice resteraunt, whatever. Just something to let him know that his best wishes and congratulations matter, regardless of what's happened in the past. It's your wedding day. Enjoy it.

The Iron Giant · 25-08-2018 12:01AM

Tricky situation but if both times you have met him it's been a disaster, it says it all really.

And realistically, your wedding is you and your partners day. Have there who you want.

Booze and a tricky relationship do not go well together and you don't want something ruining your big day. Also, if it'll upset your mum, who's been with you through the years, it's not worth sacrificing her day of pride for someone who hasn't made much of an effort with you.

uck51js9zml2yt · 25-08-2018 12:02AM

Its your right to invite who you want.

But just to add.a friend of mine found out his father was alive having been told by his mother that he left and had no interest in him. He contacted his father and found out the truth. They met for the first time the day before his wedding and they now have a relationship and him siblings.

You could let him come to the ceremony and not the meal.
You never know that it might start mending some fences.

Ghekko · 25-08-2018 12:03AM

"But I still feel guilty as his partner said I'm excluding him from such an important event in my life."

Ask her was it ok that he missed over 20 birthdays, first day at school, graduation, etc etc. They were all important events in your life so why does he want to rock up to this one so badly? I wouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to invite him. He's clearly made no effort with you when you did reunite. I can't understand why he'd want to be there when he hasn't seen or spoken to you in a year, unless it's for show. I don't know what to advise you regarding your decision but I will say that you do not need to feel a shred of guilt if you don't invite him. And his partner should keep her nose out of it! If he wants to make things up to you he shouldn't have her calling you, he should be making a huge effort all by himself.

The Iron Giant · 25-08-2018 12:04AM

Edward Ambitious Symbolism wrote: »

You could let him come to the ceremony and not the meal.
You never know that it might start mending some fences.

If the father and partner are agitating to go to the ceremony, they might push to be included or come later.

mordeith · 25-08-2018 12:05AM

No you don't have to invite him. You've got nothing to lose if he gets the hump. Have a relaxed happy wedding day instead.

GingerLily · 25-08-2018 01:52AM

I didn't invite my 'father' to my wedding - he's a stranger, so why would I?

Forget about the wedding - do you want a relationship with him?
Does he make an effort?
Do you want to?

splinter65 · 25-08-2018 02:14AM

I like the suggestion about arranging for you both to meet he and his partner for lunch instead.

GingerLily · 25-08-2018 02:35AM

splinter65 wrote: »

I like the suggestion about arranging for you both to meet he and his partner for lunch instead.

Exactly, sometimes an occasion can force an issue, for the good or for worse. The underlying reason should be more then just the wedding.

Cash_Q · 25-08-2018 04:05AM

I was at a wedding recently where the groom had his dad who raised him since birth, and his biological father who has been kind of in his life since the last few years , during which time my friend has lived abroad anyway so their face to face interactions have been minimal. His dad was in the front row, at the top table, mentioned in the ceremony and speeches, while his father was not mentioned until a token line at the end of the speeches. The father spent the entire day telling everyone who he was, annoying the photographer for family shots, was a nightmare on the dance floor and most of us suspected this man was on drugs. He spent a fair bit of the day fighting with his other biological kids that were also guests, but were not raised alongside my friend.

This man is a stranger to you essentially. Your mother is more than likely being protective saying that she doesn't mind, but it is not appropriate that he is there when he hasn't been involved in your life, and your two interactions have already been awful and had the burden of responsibility lie with you to make It happen i.e. travelling 5 hours to meet him. His partner is being manipulative to say that you should have him there. Your wedding day is such an emotional time and you'll be so busy on the day being pulled left and right by people you love, you don't want to be distracted from that. Say he just sits in the corner - you'll feel guilty. Say he is mingling with everyone bragging about who he is - you'll be mortified. If his partner is already making you feel guilty, she's likely to cause a scene on the day if she doesn't feel there's enough attention on him.

The idea of a lunch is nice, but I'd find it very awkward personally, and it further highlights the separation between him and your life, I wouldn't bother personally.

As another poster says, where was he all your life? Why now does he get to step in at the most important moment?

Put yourself, your partner and your real family first, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

NOVA MCMXCIV · 25-08-2018 04:19AM

Well you don't have to if you don't want to. It is your day – and your happiness IS the most important thing. Having said that, just to offer an alternative point of view – is it possible that someday you might regret this? You say you feel guilty – to me anyway, this suggests that he's not a complete (insert unpleasant word here). If he was – then you wouldn't even be in a predicament – it would be VERY easy for you, i.e. he's not coming and that's that, sort of thing. I have read your post a couple of times, so have totally taken on board everything you've said – I just think that it is YOU, that should be the one to make the decision. It's easy for people on the internet to say 'f*** the old man' – but human relationships are SO complex. None of us here REALLY know anything about you – or your father.

That's why this:

YOU have to follow YOUR heart – and do whatever YOU FEEL is right, whatever that may be – and regardless of what anybody else thinks...

Whatever happens – YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST DAY!!!! GOOD LUCK!!

SirChenjin · 25-08-2018 06:17AM

Ghekko wrote: »

"But I still feel guilty as his partner said I'm excluding him from such an important event in my life."

Ask her was it ok that he missed over 20 birthdays, first day at school, graduation, etc etc. They were all important events in your life so why does he want to rock up to this one so badly? I wouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to invite him. He's clearly made no effort with you when you did reunite. I can't understand why he'd want to be there when he hasn't seen or spoken to you in a year, unless it's for show. I don't know what to advise you regarding your decision but I will say that you do not need to feel a shred of guilt if you don't invite him. And his partner should keep her nose out of it! If he wants to make things up to you he shouldn't have her calling you, he should be making a huge effort all by himself.

+1 to all of this and especially the bolded part.

You mentioned that it would upset your mother also. That would decide it for me.
If he wants to be a part of your life after being out of it for so long, he needs to make an effort, and that -in my opinion - does not mean you being guilted into having him there for this particular day.

I like the suggestion upthread about meeting up for lunch or something. Does he really want a relationship or just to be there on your wedding day... You are the one who has tried to create and maintain contact. And it only seems important to him / his partner (!) now because it is a big day in your life. Naw.

What about all the other either ordinary or special days over the years, when he wasn't there? Or the days / times that maybe were tough for you or your mam?

Forget about guilt and have a great day.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-08-2018 07:59AM

Maybe it's the partner pushing this more than your father. Maybe his partner feels he should be there more so than him. If you invite him, do you also have to then invite his partner. If you weren't going to invite him then don't let anyone else influence you. It is a day for you and your new husband/wife to relax and enjoy surrounded by people who are happy for you and want the best for you.

It sounds like he wants to be there (or his partner thinks he should be there) 'just because'.

You, and your mother, have managed for over 20 years without him being there for special occasions. Why should this say be any different?

lawred2 · 25-08-2018 08:07AM

heretothere wrote: »

Ok I'm feeling guilty I'm not inviting my father to my wedding. He really wants to come I've had his partner call me to say how much it would mean to him and that he really wants to come. He said he'll sit in the back and not make any fuss but it will cause a stir.

He left when I was a small baby had no contract what so ever for well over 20 years. He made contact a few years ago. I meet him twice since both times I had to drive 5 hrs to where he lives and both times were a disaster. We had been talking on the phone approx 1 a week until a year ago and it just fell off then. We have nothing in common and it was always me that called.

My mam says she doesn't mind if he comes but I know it will upset her. I'm putting her feelings first. But I still feel guilty as his partner said I'm excluding him from such an important event in my life. I don't really know what to do. I am feeling guilty that I'm doing something wrong so just looking for some outside opinions please.

Thanks

I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Even when you did see him it was you traveling. He sounds like a selfish git.

Tell his auld boot to keep her trap shut as well.. she's nothing to you.

25-08-2018 08:20AM

When my friend got married he wanted to inv his fat that he hadn't seen since he was 4. His brothers talked him out of it as the man was violent to the mother and left with no contact. So the father wasn't invited

A few years later the mother makes contact with her ex husband followed by the four sons. Not long after the father dies. All the family upset and all attend the funeral in another part of the country.

To this day my friend regrets not inviting his father to the wedding.

No one here knows you or your family. Only you can make this decision. The only advice I can give is don't forget that it is YOUR wedding. You & your partner. Your day. You should do it your way

vintagecosmos · 25-08-2018 08:53AM

You had to travel 5 hours to meet him.
You would have to call.
He isn't bothered it seems and is using the event to play the "poor me" sympathy card with his partner. My father is the same. It's all about them. He is making your special day about himself.

He will play the victim regardless of what you do so follow your instinct. Just be prepared that if you do invite him there will be hassle over where he sits. Does he get a mention in speech. Him and his partner talking ****e.

Go for lunch. On your terms. Not his. Will you drive 5 hours for this too? If he is genuinely interested he will make the effort. If not then remember life is too short and spend quality time with your mum instead. All the best.

bee06 · 25-08-2018 09:04AM

heretothere wrote: »

But I still feel guilty as his partner said I'm excluding him from such an important event in my life.

You’re not excluding him. He excluded himself by his behaviour for your entire life. Do what your gut tells you. Don’t listen to his partner as she doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

December2012 · 25-08-2018 09:12AM

Dont deel bad about not inviting him.

A wedding is only for close friends and family. He is not close family. He may be in the future. You not inviting him does not prevent you habing a relationship with him if thats what yiu want.

You did not exclude him. He excluded himself by staying away.

He cannot be your dad only when it's convenient and public.

Little Less Conversation · 25-08-2018 09:58AM

Why don't you give him a reason to travel 5 hours to see you? Invite him to the wedding.

eviltwin · 25-08-2018 10:02AM

He couldn't even be bothered to contact you himself. Says it all really. Personally I wouldn't even be organising a lunch. Why should you always be the accommodating one here? If he cared he'd make more of an effort.

eviltwin · 25-08-2018 10:03AM

Little Less Conversation wrote: »

Why don't you give him a reason to travel 5 hours to see you? Invite him to the wedding.

His child is enough of a reason, he shouldn't have to wait for a flashy event like a wedding.

splinter65 · 25-08-2018 10:28AM

eviltwin wrote: »

His child is enough of a reason, he shouldn't have to wait for a flashy event like a wedding.

People rewrite history as the years go by. He ran away from the responsibilities of parenthood and then stayed away using all kinds of mental gymnastics to forget that he was a father.
Then you start imagining that it’s not that you ran away , you were “excluded” “shunned”, so, not entirely your own fault.
It’s a short hop then to feeling that you’ve a “right” to be involved in your now adult child’s life, in particular the festive occasions. She/he needs to respect the fact that you are the other parent, and he/she should forgive , as you have forgiven.
I have witnessed all this in my family and it never ends well.

Dial Hard · 25-08-2018 10:40AM

Forget how your mother might feel, forget how he might feel - what do YOU want??? That is literally all that matters in this equation.

And completely ignore all the "But what if you regret it in years to come???" nonsense. We can't live our lives based on abstract notions of what we might regret in later life, everyone needs to make the best decisions for themselves based on how they feel *now*. You'd drive yourself demented otherwise.

NOVA MCMXCIV · 25-08-2018 12:01PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Forget how your mother might feel, forget how he might feel - what do YOU want??? That is literally all that matters in this equation.

And completely ignore all the "But what if you regret it in years to come???" nonsense. We can't live our lives based on abstract notions of what we might regret in later life, everyone needs to make the best decisions for themselves based on how they feel *now*. You'd drive yourself demented otherwise.

My words are not nonsense. People regret things. Sometimes – other people are right, sometimes we are not ready *now* for what's actually *right*. It is sensible, to consider – that one might regret this. It would be unnecessarily reckless to ignore this consideration. It's easy to say 'we can't live our lives based on abstract notions of what we might regret in later life' – when it's not your life. My words are not nonsense – nobody's' are, if we all offered the same advice – the OP wouldn't be any better off. Maybe having the question 'will you regret this?' – will make it crystal clear, that she *won't* indeed regret this? It *is* sensible, to consider – that one might regret this. It *would* be unnecessarily reckless to ignore it. The answer is within you OP. Good luck!

silverharp · 25-08-2018 12:04PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Forget how your mother might feel, forget how he might feel - what do YOU want??? That is literally all that matters in this equation.

And completely ignore all the "But what if you regret it in years to come???" nonsense. We can't live our lives based on abstract notions of what we might regret in later life, everyone needs to make the best decisions for themselves based on how they feel *now*. You'd drive yourself demented otherwise.

as a rule for life i dont know about this, its tends to "feel better" avoid certain things or get the righteous dig in but when it comes to parents in particular they wont be around forever and it does hurt if you left something unresolved, nothing abstract about it

December2012 · 25-08-2018 12:25PM

I think a wedding day should be all about two people coming together to celebrate their love. It's not about reconciliation with absent parents if the person getting married doesn't want that

Flippyfloppy · 25-08-2018 12:36PM

NOVA MCMXCIV wrote: »

My words are not nonsense. People regret things. Sometimes – other people are right, sometimes we are not ready *now* for what's actually *right*. It is sensible, to consider – that one might regret this. It would be unnecessarily reckless to ignore this consideration. It's easy to say 'we can't live our lives based on abstract notions of what we might regret in later life' – when it's not your life. My words are not nonsense – nobody's' are, if we all offered the same advice – the OP wouldn't be any better off. Maybe having the question 'will you regret this?' – will make it crystal clear, that she *won't* indeed regret this? It *is* sensible, to consider – that one might regret this. It *would* be unnecessarily reckless to ignore it. The answer is within you OP. Good luck!

On the other side of the regret coin, It's very possible that OP could regret inviting him to such an intimate occasion.

punisher5112 · 25-08-2018 12:36PM

Op sorry to sound harsh but you owe him nothing and especially having his wife or girlfriend call you like that is not on....

None of her business and he can feel bad all he wants, he left and had nothing to do with you.

Sounds like he is playing the poor me trick to pull on your heart strings.

Sad as it is it's about you and your fiance's day.

Include all those close and don't have people that will only cause stress or just randomers.

Ha e a great day and sure offer to meet up but let him do some work to come to you from now on.

Put it this way if it was me I would be the one going to my child and can't honestly believe the stress he is bringing on at such a time.

Why all of a sudden did he make contact or did you ever ask.

Hope you all have a great wedding and try and leave all that stress behind.

DivingDuck · 25-08-2018 12:42PM

Some things to consider:

Would it make you feel happy to know he had been present for your wedding? If that answer to that is no, you really don't need to ask yourself any more than that. He was content enough to be no part of your life for two decades and has made no effort to bridge the gap since, so you do not owe him anything. You definitely don't owe his partner anything, and you have no information as to why she might be pushing this— her reasons could be sweet and genuine, or they could be selfish and malicious.

If it would make you happy to know he'd been present at the wedding, its completely understandable to think about inviting him, but there are still a few other things to consider. Yes, you might regret not inviting him— But what about regretting that you did?

Would he actually go, or is he just looking for the invite so he can feel included? If he hasn't made any effort for you all these years, why would he make one for this? If he did go, can be be trusted to remain in back like he says? Is there a possibility that he'll spoil the day? Would this be another "disaster" with the two of you meeting again? Would he get into fights with your siblings/aunts/uncles? How upset would your mother be if he were present? Does she have a partner who filled the "dad" role for you growing up, and would this hurt him? Where does your own partner stand on all of this? How does he feel about the man who has caused so much hurt for his beloved attending his wedding, and would there potentially be upset between them?

Ultimately, you have no obligation to this man who made no effort to parent you throughout your childhood, and who has made no effort to reach out to you since. Your wedding is about celebrating the love you and your partner share in the company of those who also love you. Does that even apply to your father? Has he done anything to show he loved you, and do you feel loved by him?

Invite him if you think it won't spoil the day and you want him there. Don't invite him if you don't genuinely want him there or you have concerns he'll detract from the enjoyment of your wedding.

You have no obligation to do anything. He had his chance at a special day, but this one is yours.

heretothere · 25-08-2018 12:44PM

Thanks everyone for all the responses. We've been back in contact for 5 years if a relationship hasn't developed in that time I don't think it will. I don't really think he'd cause a scene on the day I just think it'd cause a stir amongst my family.

My fiance doesn't think I should invite him and it's his day too! He thinks it will end up upsetting me. I don't think I'll meet him for lunch it's a 10 hour round trip to get up to where he lives.

I suppose the guilt is I'm a bit of a pleaser I don't like to be the cause of hurt for anyone. But where was he all my life I remember crying on my communion because I was convinced he would appear but the reality was he was gone to another country had another family and pretty much had forgotten I existed.

He was near 30 when I was born he should have accepted his responsibility.

Do I have to invite my father to my wedding

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