I don’t know what’s wrong with me

LonelyBoy84 · 27-07-2018 03:48PM

Thanks Carrie.

By way of an update. I'm actually feeling a lot better this week - slightly longer even. I'm not sure if it's the meds, the talk therapy or just things settling down a bit, but I feel like I've much greater control over my thoughts & while I still have a near constant sense of something about to go wrong/fear/not feeling right...it's nearly more a physical sensation in my chest & head as opposed to thinking horrible thoughts about my relationship or anything else. And I've not had any anxiety attack/breakdowns. Only sometimes worrying that I feel a bit flat about stuff & hoping I'll someday feel as carefree as I did before this.
I'm still not enjoying things the way I used to & I'm sure it'll take time to feel as comfortable as I used to in my life and relationship, but hopefully I'm on the right track and the positive trend continues.

I'm going to see CBT specialist on Monday (Gerard Butcher in the Capel Buildings) - hopefully he can help me a bit too.

LonelyBoy84 · 11-08-2018 11:02AM

The above update is how the last few weeks have been. No big meltdowns. Just constant sense of still not being right, being in my head & feeling pretty numb nearly all the time.

My sleeping has gotten much better though & am much better able to concentrate on things (like TV, work, etc).

However, this morning I had a bit of a wobble when I woke up & I just felt so numb. I got really upset. I’m so tired of not feeling happy & content like I used to. It seems the best I ever feel now is numb (is this the meds?!). It feels like it’s so long since I felt properly normal. I just want to be able to enjoy the great life I have & not be trapped inside my head worrying & overthinking all the time.

I’m so scared I’ll never feel normal again.

Addle · 11-08-2018 11:29AM

Excuse my ignorance, but what does 'normal' feel like?
I don't feel specific emotions at every point in the day.
I don't think about it.
I just am.
Is there something wrong with me?

LonelyBoy84 · 11-08-2018 12:30PM

I guess normal is what you’re describing. Not being in your head questioning it all, instead just being in the moment - enjoying it when it’s enjoyable, and being ok with feeling neutral when there is nothing happening.

Addle · 11-08-2018 12:32PM

Good to know. Thanks.

shesty · 12-08-2018 09:10PM

You have to get out of the habit you see.I can't describe it any better than that.Any habit can develop very quickly and takes weeks to break.Your brain got into a pattern of thinking, and anxiety attacks mean you then get anxiety about the anxiety.God, I feel sorry for you because I remember exactly how it feels.I remember those wobbles, but I remember thinking to myself "no, I am not concentrating on that, it happened, now I'm moving on", literally shoving the thoughts out of my head.Sounds like I was pretending the problem didn't exist but that wasn't the case.I was training my brain to stop thinking in a certain way, as a result of stress in other areas of my life.It's hard and it takes a lot of time.

I think it's not so much that you feel numb, but that you have to come out if your head, that's the challenge.You probably always felt kind of numb (well I doubt you were feeling extremes of emtion constantly) , but your brain wasn't in the habit of examining your emotions all the time, so it didn't matter.It has got into the habit now, so you are constantly aware of and examining how you are feeling, which is rxhausting.I don't know if it's the panic attack that does, makes the brain examine feelings to see will one trigger another attack, or what it is.But it's not nice.

bp · 12-08-2018 10:01PM

Two family members of mine have suffered/ are suffering from anxiety. One used to drive to a pier and look at the boats. If any thoughts crept in she would force herself to only look at the boats and stop the thought. This seemed to work along with mind engaging hobbies (english literature class). She was older at the time and a stay at home parent.

My sibling also suffers and went down the medication, counsellor, mindfulness approach. Is still doing all of the above and finds its working. Luckily they are very open about everything and know they can talk openly. Exercise has also helped a lot for something else to focus the mind on.

I have no advice really but just wanted to say you aren't alone and there is no magic cure or pill. You are really strong and brave to fight this head on and I hope you can see the wood from the trees soon

LonelyBoy84 · 13-08-2018 09:02AM

shesty wrote: »

You have to get out of the habit you see.I can't describe it any better than that.Any habit can develop very quickly and takes weeks to break.Your brain got into a pattern of thinking, and anxiety attacks mean you then get anxiety about the anxiety.God, I feel sorry for you because I remember exactly how it feels.I remember those wobbles, but I remember thinking to myself "no, I am not concentrating on that, it happened, now I'm moving on", literally shoving the thoughts out of my head.Sounds like I was pretending the problem didn't exist but that wasn't the case.I was training my brain to stop thinking in a certain way, as a result of stress in other areas of my life.It's hard and it takes a lot of time.

I think it's not so much that you feel numb, but that you have to come out if your head, that's the challenge.You probably always felt kind of numb (well I doubt you were feeling extremes of emtion constantly) , but your brain wasn't in the habit of examining your emotions all the time, so it didn't matter.It has got into the habit now, so you are constantly aware of and examining how you are feeling, which is rxhausting.I don't know if it's the panic attack that does, makes the brain examine feelings to see will one trigger another attack, or what it is.But it's not nice.

Thanks for that, sums it up really well.

Although there is definitely a numbness there too now...for example, I was at a Tommy Tiernan show recently & despite thinking it was hilarious, I just was laughing anything like I normally would & was stoned faced for a good lot of it. I think the whole thing has just worn me down tbh

LonelyBoy84 · 15-08-2018 05:43PM

Should I be expecting more from the SSRI at this stage? I’m 12 weeks on them in total. 4 weeks @ 5 mg, 1 week @ 10 mg (minimum therapeutic dosage) and 7 weeks @ 15mg.

My big anxiety attacks are gone, my sleeping is back to normal, my mood has improved a bit and I’m not breaking down regularly & I can concentrate better on stuff...

BUT....I still feel worried, anxious, nervous nearly all the time. Still feel physical symptoms nearly all the time, pressure in chest & head, shivers down legs, sweating, tenseness & pain in shoulders & back. I still am afraid I’ll never feel the same about things & be pretty care free again. I go through spells of feeling so guilty about bad stuff I’ve done in my life & I still don’t feel “happy” or really enjoy things. I struggle to get out of my head. Thoughts? Is this the best I should expect from the meds?

zapper55 · 15-08-2018 08:00PM

You've already come on leaps abd bounds. No-one here can tell you how much you'll improve in the future but there's already quite a difference between that and your first post.

Imagine it was a physical problem, say broken leg, you wouldn't be frustrated that you weren't better already. You'd probably accept that healing takes time. Mental health is no different. I haven't read all your posts but I hope the counselling is helping too.

Finchie1276 · 15-08-2018 10:19PM

[QUOTE=

BUT....I still feel worried, anxious, nervous nearly all the time. Still feel physical symptoms nearly all the time, pressure in chest & head, shivers down legs, sweating, tenseness & pain in shoulders & back. I still am afraid I’ll never feel the same about things & be pretty care free again. I go through spells of feeling so guilty about bad stuff I’ve done in my life & I still don’t feel “happy” or really enjoy things. I struggle to get out of my head. Thoughts? Is this the best I should expect from the meds?[/QUOTE]

Hi,

OK, so you had a life that was so overfull and complete with all manner of stressors that you broke down. Didn't heed the warning signs maybe. You now know the result and would probably change your behaviour really quickly if you had the choice again. This is not to criticize you but you had the event which changed your life (for now). I had a similar experience so I absolutely get where you are at. That said it appears that you are (logically enough) looking for guides/ appraisal/ reassurance that you are on the right track. There is no real marker here to be honest. You have to get on with it, not over think it and do the best you can, you can do CBT, afford treatment and have time off work which is all great. That said if you look for things to be as they were in my mind it is wasted energy. Accept where you are right now - the confusion, pain, fear, anxiety - difficult but very necessary - do the bits you can change and acceot the rest. From my breakdown I became a resilient person who took less bull****, said no to more things, found out who my friends were and got used to anxiety. Did I return to where I was before? No, it was a facade, now it is trickier, more real, I know what can happen, I'm a bit more wary in certain situations but things are so much better. I think once you experience anxiety and panic like this there is no going back - it forces you to go forward and work with it.

So maybe a bit of CBT will help you accept the bits that are hardest. We all change so let the change work its way through. Can you learn to use the 'am i getting better' question that comes up as a cue to say 'I am ok right now even though it is difficult' - see what happens.

In my recovery I learned to meditate, sit through panic, be happy even when I was not happy. Great reading: Wayne W Dyer, Ram Dass, Pema Chodron, Ajan Brahm (You tube) there is a world of stuff that can help you - not return to where you were but to who you are now.

I wish you all the best!

LonelyBoy84 · 15-08-2018 10:32PM

I had similar problems with anxiety in my very early twenties. It was nowhere near as bad & was much milder & didn’t come up the same attacks & depression, I think because I felt I had less to lose so it didn’t get so extreme maybe.

It took time to get over that, but I felt so strong after it and felt like it was behind me for good. I looked back on the period of anxiety and wondered how I ever let my mind drag me down so much. I remembered it, but it felt like it was a different person. I had distance from it. I guess I’m just so hoping that I’ll have that same distance on this episode at some stage. And if I do, you can rest assured, that like you, I’ll change the things in my life that grind me down and leave me open to this. I’ve alrwady started saying no I’m work, delegating more, getting walks & going to the gym.

Finchie1276 · 15-08-2018 10:47PM

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

I had similar problems with anxiety in my very early twenties. It was nowhere near as bad & was much milder & didn’t come up the same attacks & depression, I think because I felt I had less to lose so it didn’t get so extreme maybe.

It took time to get over that, but I felt so strong after it and felt like it was behind me for good. I looked back on the period of anxiety and wondered how I ever let my mind drag me down so much.I’m just so hoping that I’ll have that same distance on this episode at some stage.

Its good to have that perspective, but really , there is no need to hope - however perverse that sounds. This will not last forever, you will come to get over it faster if you accept that you are anxiety prone, driven and always focussing on being 'strong' - why not be you - fragile, strong, changing, human. I have my crap days and I have my great days - in fact the more crap days the more I got to know them intimately - there are all manner of crap days so lets get intimate with them!
Don't hang your hopes on beating this - just accept it and watch it change. If you can meditate it is magic.

LonelyBoy84 · 26-08-2018 11:09AM

So this morning I woke up & felt nervous straight away. I stayed in bed a while which might not have been a good idea. I veared wildly between relatively content & very nervous and worrying. Me & my fiancé fooled around a bit which always makes me feel less anxious

she went back asleep for a while & I started to get super worried again. This ended up with me just breaking down in tears. Hysterically upset. I tried to hold it in, but she held me & told me to just let it all out. I’m so frustrated & drained by my emotions, or lack of sometimes. By worrying. By being trapped in my head. By constant questioning. I just don’t know what to do. It’s been so long now (nearly 5 months)...I’m afraid I’ll forget what it is to just feel like my old self & to be content.

I don’t know what to do

shesty · 26-08-2018 01:06PM

Are you doing CBT?
I bet you woke up, thought 'how do I feel?' , brain did a little scan, caught some nervousness and instantly went into high alert...all in the space of seconds.Did it?
You need to get out of your head.Easy for me to say, sure.But you probably could do with CBT, exercise and.....maybe taking a break?Could you take some time off work just to sit and be with yourself a bit??

LonelyBoy84 · 26-08-2018 01:18PM

shesty wrote: »

Are you doing CBT?
I bet you woke up, thought 'how do I feel?' , brain did a little scan, caught some nervousness and instantly went into high alert...all in the space of seconds.Did it?
You need to get out of your head.Easy for me to say, sure.But you probably could do with CBT, exercise and.....maybe taking a break?Could you take some time off work just to sit and be with yourself a bit??

I’ve started CBT and am going to gym twice a week for personal training. Yea, that’s pretty much what happened this morning.

I took a week off work a couple of weeks back. Some of it was good and felt like on right track, but sometimes it made it too easy to get lost in my head. Keeping busy in work seems one of the only ways to get out of my head

Carrie50 · 26-08-2018 08:00PM

You are very hard on yourself,you have anxiety for whatever reason,it can be like post tramatic stress,its just there and you learn ways to deal with it,I believe it comes from fear of what might happen,losing control,its a very scary feeling,but just a "feeling" it will pass,you will get better,dont focus on how long its taking that doesn't help just adds to your stress..try breathing in for 6 hold for 6 and out for 6..do it repeatedly..your heart has no choice but to slow down helping to ease anxiety..theres nothing "wrong" with you..your actually very RIGHT..you are aware of the feelings..thats half the battle..be gentle with yourself.

Addle · 26-08-2018 08:27PM

This might sound very simplistic OP, but have you the opportunity to exercise daily? Or have a pet?
A colleague suffered terrible with anxiety and claims her pet has saved her life.
Daily walks definitely help clear my head.

LonelyBoy84 · 27-08-2018 10:08AM

Carrie50 wrote: »

You are very hard on yourself,you have anxiety for whatever reason,it can be like post tramatic stress,its just there and you learn ways to deal with it,I believe it comes from fear of what might happen,losing control,its a very scary feeling,but just a "feeling" it will pass,you will get better,dont focus on how long its taking that doesn't help just adds to your stress..try breathing in for 6 hold for 6 and out for 6..do it repeatedly..your heart has no choice but to slow down helping to ease anxiety..theres nothing "wrong" with you..your actually very RIGHT..you are aware of the feelings..thats half the battle..be gentle with yourself.

I am trying. I just constantly find myself "checking" myself to see how I feel. Which in itself is making me nervous, stopping me enjoying things or making me overthink things. In terms of the anxiety, it never gets to a place now where I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack (like it used to). Instead I just feel flat or sad & nervous/worried a lot. Occasionally getting upset out of frustration.

I have a wedding to start planning and I want to attack it with the energy, positivity and enthusiasm I used to do things. Instead I just feel flat or nervous all the time, my partner isn't putting any pressure on me about this and is happy to leave everything until I feel better, but that just makes me feel worse about the whole thing

Addle wrote: »

This might sound very simplistic OP, but have you the opportunity to exercise daily? Or have a pet?
A colleague suffered terrible with anxiety and claims her pet has saved her life.
Daily walks definitely help clear my head.

Try to get a bit of a walk in every day and am going to the gym (for the first time in my life!) twice per week for sessions with a personal trainer.

I don't have a pet but have never really been a pet person. I always have company, either my partner or friends/family so I'm ok on that front I think

Carrie50 · 27-08-2018 11:26AM

What your feeling is a natural reaction to your life events,the things you mention in your first post,in simple terms you got a fright,it shook you up,this happens everyone at some point in their life,we realize its not always easy,not always in our control how things happen..we take "knocks" in life that changes us,you are feeling feelings you dont know how to deal with,they are overwhelming you,its OK to feel them..but constantly remind yourself it will pass..its ok to cry if u need to cry,run,walk,gym,go THROUGH the feeling dont try to get around it..its ok.have u been to your doctor and got bloods done,check your energy levels,I.m not one for pills you will feel numb,but maybe you would benefit from a good supplement for energy..I would rule out any medical cause first..then look at nutrition and a good tonic..once you are in the best physical health it will be easier to deal with your emotions..maybe see a nutritionist..they can works wondersðŸ‘

LonelyBoy84 · 27-08-2018 12:45PM

Carrie50 wrote: »

What your feeling is a natural reaction to your life events,the things you mention in your first post,in simple terms you got a fright,it shook you up,this happens everyone at some point in their life,we realize its not always easy,not always in our control how things happen..we take "knocks" in life that changes us,you are feeling feelings you dont know how to deal with,they are overwhelming you,its OK to feel them..but constantly remind yourself it will pass..its ok to cry if u need to cry,run,walk,gym,go THROUGH the feeling dont try to get around it..its ok.have u been to your doctor and got bloods done,check your energy levels,I.m not one for pills you will feel numb,but maybe you would benefit from a good supplement for energy..I would rule out any medical cause first..then look at nutrition and a good tonic..once you are in the best physical health it will be easier to deal with your emotions..maybe see a nutritionist..they can works wondersðŸ‘

I've been to the doctor a good few times & he has checked bloods. Nothing jumping out in terms of thyroid.

In terms of energy, there may be something to getting a good supplement - but the times I have energy or a bit of get up and go, I still feel nervous & not like myself at all - which tends to spiral into feeling quite down on myself/just wanting to be back to feel good and positive about things. I'm just caught in a bad cycle.

Maybe the nutritionist is a good idea.

santana75 · 28-08-2018 10:23AM

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

In terms of energy, there may be something to getting a good supplement -

Maybe the nutritionist is a good idea.

Definitely, 100% look into this. I know this may seems at odds with the advice you've been given so far but please look into the health of your brain. Meaning, do some research into how to have a healthy and functioning brain. Its something that most people over look when they start to have problems with anxiety, depression etc. But its crucial when you think about it. I went through similiar things as you are going through and in the end it was all about the health of my brain. Changing my diet, cutting out processed food(for the most part) sugar, alcohol, the usual suspects. Learning about what causes inflammation of the brain and what makes it descend into chaos. It needs certain nutrients in order to operate properly and if it doesnt get those nutrients it will go a little loco. "The ultra mind solution" by Dr Mark Hyman is a great book on how to have a healthy brain. This guy went through a lot of what you are experiencing yourself and as medical doctor he was able to come up with concrete answers that work. Also, "Why is my brain not working" is also brilliant and informative. You've been to your GP, which is always the first call but might I recommend a functional medical practitioner. I know theres a couple of them in dublin city. They're fully qualified medical doctors, so theres no quackery going on. They just take a more holistic approach and will look at things, like the health of your brain, that most GPs wouldnt look at.

Emme · 28-08-2018 11:07AM

santana75 wrote: »

Definitely, 100% look into this. I know this may seems at odds with the advice you've been given so far but please look into the health of your brain. Meaning, do some research into how to have a healthy and functioning brain. Its something that most people over look when they start to have problems with anxiety, depression etc. But its crucial when you think about it. I went through similiar things as you are going through and in the end it was all about the health of my brain. Changing my diet, cutting out processed food(for the most part) sugar, alcohol, the usual suspects. Learning about what causes inflammation of the brain and what makes it descend into chaos. It needs certain nutrients in order to operate properly and if it doesnt get those nutrients it will go a little loco. "The ultra mind solution" by Dr Mark Hyman is a great book on how to have a healthy brain. This guy went through a lot of what you are experiencing yourself and as medical doctor he was able to come up with concrete answers that work. Also, "Why is my brain not working" is also brilliant and informative. You've been to your GP, which is always the first call but might I recommend a functional medical practitioner. I know theres a couple of them in dublin city. They're fully qualified medical doctors, so theres no quackery going on. They just take a more holistic approach and will look at things, like the health of your brain, that most GPs wouldnt look at.

I suggested this earlier in the thread but got shot down by the OP.

Some anti-anxiety medication particularly benzodiazepines can fry your brain and the side effects can be worse than the symptoms they were originally prescribed to treat. Doctors aren't supposed to prescribe them for a long time but some do. I don't know what the OP is taking, that's between him and his doctor but I do agree that a functional doctor will take a better look at things and may help more instead of throwing pills at the problem.

LonelyBoy84 · 28-08-2018 12:30PM

Emme wrote: »

I suggested this earlier in the thread but got shot down by the OP.

Some anti-anxiety medication particularly benzodiazepines can fry your brain and the side effects can be worse than the symptoms they were originally prescribed to treat. Doctors aren't supposed to prescribe them for a long time but some do. I don't know what the OP is taking, that's between him and his doctor but I do agree that a functional doctor will take a better look at things and may help more instead of throwing pills at the problem.

Apologies if you felt I shot you down. Certainly wasn’t my intention. I think at the time I was only recently on SSRIs & was willing to give them more time. I’ll look into it. I just want to feel less worried & enjoy stuff again, I’ll try whatever it takes

rizdub · 28-08-2018 03:51PM

Addle wrote: »

This might sound very simplistic OP, but have you the opportunity to exercise daily? Or have a pet?
A colleague suffered terrible with anxiety and claims her pet has saved her life.

A pet is a good idea and having a family with kids is better.
For me my babies were the best thing as they keep me on my toes and there is no time to think about other stuff. Also when you realize how much they need you for everything and how important you are for them, your views about life and your self worth changes and gives a strong reason to be active and alive to care for them. all the anxiety and fear will appear minor and distant when you have immediate needs of your kids to fulfill.

LonelyBoy84 · 28-08-2018 04:45PM

rizdub wrote: »

A pet is a good idea and having a family with kids is better.
For me my babies were the best thing as they keep me on my toes and there is no time to think about other stuff. Also when you realize how much they need you for everything and how important you are for them, your views about life and your self worth changes and gives a strong reason to be active and alive to care for them. all the anxiety and fear will appear minor and distant when you have immediate needs of your kids to fulfill.

This is one of the things making this period so tough.

Our plan would have been to start trying for kids this summer after getting engaged. But because of all this stuff going on - we've put on hold until I'm back to being in a good place.

I'm so worried/down/stressed most of the time that I'm afraid starting a family would push me over the edge with anxiety

If all the change in my life is part of the reason I've found myself in this state, I'm not sure on the wisdom of throwing in more change on top of that. I want to be looking forward to that - not nervous about how I'll react. I want to be looking forward to planning a wedding. Instead I just feel stressed, down, nervous and worried nearly all the time

rizdub · 28-08-2018 05:22PM

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

Our plan would have been to start trying for kids this summer after getting engaged. But because of all this stuff going on - we've put on hold until I'm back to being in a good place.

I'm so worried/down/stressed most of the time that I'm afraid starting a family would push me over the edge with anxiety

i think you should continue with your plan for summer as it could take some time to try and have kids...
this will be a strong motivating personal objective for you which will also help you overcome the negative thoughts about your relationship and bring you closer to your partner as you work towards one goal..

in my experience , kids provide us new reasons to live and laugh and bring stability and some kind of assurance to our relationships as it gives us new roles (from partners to mom & dad)....

also i will be careful about taking medicines which could affect chances of fatherhood ....

few years back i had similar issues with my sleep but after having my kids i get up no of times at night for them and going back to sleep is a non issue..

LonelyBoy84 · 28-08-2018 05:41PM

Seems a risky strategy!

My sleeping is actually a good bit better now. Although still totally exhausted and drained every morning

Carrie50 · 28-08-2018 09:05PM

LonelyBoy84 wrote: »

This is one of the things making this period so tough.

Our plan would have been to start trying for kids this summer after getting engaged. But because of all this stuff going on - we've put on hold until I'm back to being in a good place.

I'm so worried/down/stressed most of the time that I'm afraid starting a family would push me over the edge with anxiety

If all the change in my life is part of the reason I've found myself in this state, I'm not sure on the wisdom of throwing in more change on top of that. I want to be looking forward to that - not nervous about how I'll react. I want to be looking forward to planning a wedding. Instead I just feel stressed, down, nervous and worried nearly all the time

I wuld not be rushing into having a baby to fix your issues,I think it would be wise to first get yourself in a better head space so as you said you can enjoy it when the time comes..they are a wonderful blessing but also bring huge responsibility,possibly adding to your anxiety..and maybe would add more stress to your relationship..put YOUR health first for now..

LonelyBoy84 · 28-08-2018 09:24PM

Carrie50 wrote: »

I wuld not be rushing into having a baby to fix your issues,I think it would be wise to first get yourself in a better head space so as you said you can enjoy it when the time comes..they are a wonderful blessing but also bring huge responsibility,possibly adding to your anxiety..and maybe would add more stress to your relationship..put YOUR health first for now..

Agreed. Although to be clear, it wouldn’t be to try and fix my problems, it would be to get on with my life

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

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