Weird, Rude and Ungrateful Room-Mate

ConnyMcDavid · 02-08-2018 08:54PM

Could ye perhaps agree on a cleaner and split the bill?
It doesn't sound like he's making any sort of effort to improve and I doubt he will.

LegacyUser · 02-08-2018 08:58PM

I can't believe some of the replies here. Some people don't realise how absolute draining it is to work all day and then come home to do double housework in a houseshare. No one should have to do extra housework, not in a houseshare anyway. There's different levels of what people think is clean but to do zero housework and leave it up to someone else isn't fair. No one should have to tell someone what to do either. I know all to well with having lazy housemates and I have no advice because you can't change them. All I know is over the space of two years we had five people move in and out and out of those five, there was one who actually did things around the house. They actually did too much while I gave up and done the very basics because not everyone was pulling their weight. My point is that there's more of a chance of getting another lazy person to replace them if your housemate was to leave. So it's something that you have to put up with and just lower your standards because there's no other way.

Caranica · 02-08-2018 09:14PM

I don't understand why him hiding in his room is a problem. My housemate does that from time to time and I love the space! It's also a pretty natural instinct to avoid confrontation.

I do think you need to have a house meeting. No aggression, maybe call it a review of how things are going. Let him get stuff off his chest first. Then start your pitch with "do you remember how we both needed somewhere safe to live and we sat down and talked about it and agreed XYZ... It's not working out quite like we agreed so let's try to see what we can do to fix it.

dellas1979 · 02-08-2018 09:27PM

NicoleL88 wrote: »

Seriously though, my standards are: have a conversation, agree to what is going to be done by both parties, and stick to it. If either party can't, then discuss it or come up with an alternate agreement. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Yea but, OP, those are your standards.

We all dont live by each other's standards (unless forced to). Then that some what goes down the road of dictatorship...

I would fully agree that if you cant stand each other, him or you move out. OR you adjust your behaviour around him. Why should you? Because you cant control his. You can rant away all you like here, and IMs about bins, and door handles, but he isnt going to change.

I can completely empathize with your situation. I can. And personally, I wouldnt be able to stand living with someone like that. But Id also get myself out of it if it wasnt doing me good.

dellas1979 · 02-08-2018 09:30PM

NicoleL88 wrote: »

The slobby babbies are out in force today it seems! :pac:

B8tching like that isnt really productive to your situation now, is it. Who are we talking to here? A 20 year old or a 30 year old?

I must point out, you talk about "talking in a civil manner" "being an adult", but when confronted yourself, look what happens. Learning anything?

Pelvis · 02-08-2018 09:32PM

Op, you moved in with a 23 year old boy. How is any of this a surprise?

He's not going to change, so you either put up with it or move.

NicoleL88 · 02-08-2018 10:38PM

dellas1979 wrote: »

B8tching like that isnt really productive to your situation now, is it. Who are we talking to here? A 20 year old or a 30 year old?

I must point out, you talk about "talking in a civil manner" "being an adult", but when confronted yourself, look what happens. Learning anything?

Learning not to attempt to have a sense of humour otherwise I'll be reprimanded by strangers online! The comment was actually referencing a comment that person made earlier.

Heaven forfend I crack a joke! Cheers for this absolutely pointless comment though.

The actual advice by others has been much appreciated, cheers!

LegacyUser · 03-08-2018 12:17AM

The guests overstaying welcome is bit much. Not contact landlord about breakages fair enough. The bin thing in the first instance was very passive aggressive behaviour on your part on both occasions. Why are his comings and going’s any of your business, he’s entitled to stay in his room for 48 hours if he wants to he’s paying for it and I’m assuming has the ensuite. The whole didn’t know if he was dead thing is very dramatic.

lulu1 · 03-08-2018 12:32AM

At the end of the day the op is not asking for blood. She only wants her house mate to clean up after himself.

She is sick taking on every job in the house and rightly so'

I dont think you will be able to have a calm chat with this lad now op he probably thinks you have it in for him

juneg · 03-08-2018 01:57AM

Pelvis wrote: »

Op, you moved in with a 23 year old boy. How is any of this a surprise?

He's not going to change, so you either put up with it or move.

That's what struck me from the outset as well. He's very young. Ye both sound stressed. Just cut each other some slack. There's more to life.

Never wrestle with pigs · 03-08-2018 02:07AM

How do people live in these types of situations? Renting apartments with strangers, fighting over who's turn it is to take out the rubbish. Ewww that is like prison. Modern day living I suppose. Sad really.

BettePorter · 03-08-2018 02:08AM

What is this thing about 'your turn to take out the rubbish'.....so if u go to the bin and it's full but it's not 'your turn' to take it out , you pile high til the other person does?

That's just infantile. Surely it would be easier to just say ....If the bin is full. ...change it. And even if it's only to take the binbag and leave it at the front door whoever goes down next bins it.

Also a flatmate who spends 48 hours in his room sounds like a dream.

beertons · 03-08-2018 08:42AM

Who's name is on the lease?

NicoleL88 · 03-08-2018 08:54AM

beertons wrote: »

Who's name is on the lease?

Both of ours.

LegacyUser · 03-08-2018 08:58AM

Noadvice wrote: »

Some people don't realise how absolute draining it is to work all day and then come home to do double housework in a houseshare.

I know exactly how draining it is as I've been there and I moved out as life is too short to put up with it. No one is saying it's great to live like a slob but its the reality of a house share that personalities don't always mesh and the quicker people cop on to that the better their lives are.

Some of the things the OP has complained about are genuine issues with a house share but she's also nit picking everything the guy does. He spends all his time in his room, so what? What business is that of the OPs? She's spent money on a rented apartment buying appliances and putting up pictures (hope the hooks were there already OP as most rented apartments don't allow you to put nails in the wall) Did you ask him if he was ok with you putting up pictures in communal spaces? Did you ask if he wanted to put any of his pictures up? Maybe the guy spends all the time in room as it's the only space the OP hasn't taken over.

If both their names are on the lease then the OP has no right to try and force him to move out - either find a balance you can live with or move out, those are the options.

NicoleL88 · 03-08-2018 08:58AM

BettePorter wrote: »

What is this thing about 'your turn to take out the rubbish'.....so if u go to the bin and it's full but it's not 'your turn' to take it out , you pile high til the other person does?

That's just infantile. Surely it would be easier to just say ....If the bin is full. ...change it. And even if it's only to take the binbag and leave it at the front door whoever goes down next bins it.

Because it was was agreed to! I don't think its fair (and neither does he apparently) that one should have to do it more than the other if BOTH are contributing to it. I already tried leaving it by the door after he left it there for a week, and he pushed it aside.

Lads, I'm really not understanding half the replies calling this situation "dramatic" or whatever along those lines.

It's an issue in my life at the moment, one that's stressing me out. It's his behavior towards dealing with these issues more so than the not cleaning, because I too have lived with plenty of them over the last 12 years.

I get that some people don't understand wanting things to be fair (as was agreed) or even keeping your place of residence clean (which should be standard anyway but moreso when you have a little creature living there too). But seriously, if ye have nothing legitimate or constructive to add, then please don't waste your own time and mine by replying.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-08-2018 09:04AM

NicoleL88, you post on a public forum, and therefore invite all opinion and advice. Some of it may not be relevant to you, but you don't get to tell people not to post. You can ignore anything that you feel is irrelevant. You and your housemate are different. People offering you advice and opinion here are all different. It might be no harm to read various opinions and see can you garner anything from them rather than sniping at posters who have taken time to reply.

NicoleL88 · 03-08-2018 09:14AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It might be no harm to read various opinions and see can you garner anything from them rather than sniping at posters who have taken time to reply.

I wasn't sniping at anyone, merely making a legitimate and reasonable request having read both the constructive and non constructive opinions and posts. Or is it just that I'm not welcome to express my opinion? You can close the thread, cheers.

B0jangles · 03-08-2018 09:20AM

For what it's worth OP, my own standard is that everyone gets to choose how they want to live when its entirely their own space - once you're sharing you have to at least hit some basic standards of cleanliness and tidiness.

I'm as messy as hell in my own private space, but if I'm using a space that other people use, like a kitchen or livingroom, then I clean up after myself. (Not five hours later either, immediately after I was using it - no leaving pots 'to soak' in the sink for 48 hours.)

That's just common decency.

Faith · 03-08-2018 09:23AM

NicoleL88 wrote: »

I wasn't sniping at anyone, merely making a legitimate and reasonable request having read both the constructive and non constructive opinions and posts. Or is it just that I'm not welcome to express my opinion? You can close the thread, cheers.

I think a really good point was made by dellas in suggesting that you reflect on your own confrontation style via this thread. You laid out your argument in a clear fashion and calmly stated your concerns at the beginning, but it rapidly devolved to you only thanking people who agreed with you and sniping at those who didn’t. When confronted on this, you got defensive and lashed out. Then you threw your toys out of the prom by asking for the thread to be closed, which is hardly going to fix the problem.

It would be really helpful to ask yourself if this might at all reflect how you behave in real life too? I mean this is a totally objective and non-judgemental way. It’s enormously helpful to reflect on patterns of behavior in our life because it’s only with awareness that we can break them.

NicoleL88 · 03-08-2018 09:26AM

Faith wrote: »

I think a really good point was made by dellas in suggesting that you reflect on your own confrontation style via this thread. You laid out your argument in a clear fashion and calmly stated your concerns at the beginning, but it rapidly devolved to you only thanking people who agreed with you and sniping at those who didn’t. When confronted on this, you got defensive and lashed out. Then you threw your toys out of the prom by asking for the thread to be closed, which is hardly going to fix the problem.

It would be really helpful to ask yourself if this might at all reflect how you behave in real life too?

I shouldn't have to point out that this is an online forum, not real life. If you call my response lashing out then I don't know what to tell you. I'm free to agree and disagree with whatever posts I choose. I asked for the thread to be closed because I'm going back to work today, wont have anymore time to spend on replies, and I feel like I've gotten as much as I can from this thread, reaching included. Cheers though!

....... · 03-08-2018 09:31AM

This post has been deleted.

Faith · 03-08-2018 09:34AM

NicoleL88 wrote: »

I shouldn't have to point out that this is an online forum, not real life. If you call my response lashing out then I don't know what to tell you.

See, this is what I’m trying to highlight. I and many others have pointed out that your style of response is challenging, and that’s what I’m encouraging you to reflect on. You’ve just dismissed me and my response totally and I feel invalidated and a little hurt by that (just explaining my feelings as it’s useful, not because I want any response to them). Perhaps your responses to your housemate during ‘discussions’ have elicited similar responses in him, which led to less-than-helpful responses on his part.

Also, when several people tell you a similar thing, it’s worth reflecting on whether there’s any truth to it, rather than just saying “You’re all wrong”. We don’t know you; all we know is about your approach to this thread. And many of us are noticing a confrontational response style, which I’m pointing out and also wondering if that plays out in real world interactions with your housemates.

Grayditch · 03-08-2018 09:40AM

Yikes. This share ain't going to work, but for now can one person not just do the bins ALL the time and another person do ALL of another job? This "who did the bins last" craic is a recipe for disaster between two people who have stopped liking each other.

iamwhoiam · 03-08-2018 09:41AM

Ok . The solution I see is clear . You want to stay in the apartment and you want it clean . So personally I would clean it and fEck him . Clean it as you wish it to be , hoover , clean the sink etc
Its not ideal and he should in theory be doing his share but he is not . So instead of the agro and arguments and watching his every move just get on with it . No its not fair but doing it and having it clean is your reward . Get two bins and bring out your dirt and let him bring out his . If he leaves dirt around put it in his bin .
You are not going to change this guy so but you can change yourself so just keep it clean and let him wallow in his room if he likes

SuperS54 · 03-08-2018 09:55AM

iamwhoiam wrote: »

So personally I would ckean it and hump him .

:eek: That seems like a rather drastic solution!

woodchuck · 03-08-2018 09:57AM

OP I agree with other comments about your posting style here possibly reflecting the real life situation. I'm certainly not saying your roommate is being an angel, but perhaps it would help to work on your communication skills? A normal conversation/request can quickly escalate into something very ugly if communicated in a poor manner. For example, leaving the bins by the door would come across as very passive aggressive to me.

Maybe there's a reason your housemate feels the need to lock himself away in his room?

happyday · 03-08-2018 09:57AM

NicoleL88 wrote: »

I feel like I've gotten as much as I can from this thread, reaching included.

What do you mean "reaching"? You've said that several times in this thread. I've never heard the word used that way before.

iamwhoiam · 03-08-2018 10:05AM

SuperS54 wrote: »

:eek: That seems like a rather drastic solution!

Sorry !!! Its an old fashioned word and I forgot it had a new meaning !!

Weird, Rude and Ungrateful Room-Mate

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