Weird, Rude and Ungrateful Room-Mate

NicoleL88

Hey all,

Just looking to get some opinions on this situation.

Am a 30 y/o female and moved into a 2 bed apartment back in April with a friend I met through work. He's a 23 y/o male.

We were both in bad living situations and needed to get out asap. We were both pretty good friends and decided to get a place together.

We had the necessary chats before moving in, how to divvy up chores, what "clean" meant to each of us, that having any people over we'd let the other know out of courtesy, who'd get the bigger room and therefore pay more rent (him), who'd manage the bills (me) and who'd manage the rent (him) etc etc.

However, having moved in, its a completely different story.

I'm a clean person, and having a cat I understand the importance of having a clean living environment, especially when you don't have the luxury of living alone. I noticed pretty quickly he did nothing to maintain the cleanliness of the apartment, other than clean his dishes and clean the sink area. He constantly complained about EVERYTHING.

He exaggerated and lied about a lot of things, both little - saying he was sick of putting the cone in our parking space to deter people from parking there (he doesn't own a car and never once did that) - and big - saying he was having a house guest stay for three weeks and not to worry that they would be away travelling most of the time and he would contribute extra to the bills (they stayed in the apartment the ENTIRE time and he didn't contribute anything extra).

He needed to be reminded to take down the rubbish (which I did in a friendly, civil manner a good few times). He would smoke in the shared living space, stinking up the furniture, throws and the apartment in general. He never once used the hoover or mop, never cleaned the oven (which he constantly filled up with brioche crumbs) never lifted a finger to address any of the issues with the apartment (new washing machine needed, microwave and freezer needed, several fixtures needing replacement etc - all of which I had to sort), kept keeping the few bowls and other few bits of delph we had in his room etc etc.

I tried to handle all of this in a civil way, asking him to not smoke in the living space, to please help out with the chores, made a point of pointing out that I had gotten no help from him in regards to addressing any of the issues with the apartment (never got a thanks for all the trouble either).

He started getting odd with me after this all started to happen, most notably after his house guest stayed. They kept waking me up, both in the morning and late at night, kept taking over the living area both day and night, he used to leave her in his room and go out at night which I thought was absolutely bizaare, she never once introduced herself or said thank you for allowing her to stay in the apartment. They stayed in the flat the entire time watching Netflix.... actually felt bad for the girl as it was her first time in Ireland and they literally went nowhere. I could keep going on this but this is already really long!

Anyway, after she finally left, he would literally just come home from work, go straight to his room and not come out until it was time to go to work the next day. One weekend I was home ill and he didn't come out of his room for nearly 48 hours. I was actually concerned something had happened to him.

During this time, I pointed out to him that I was left to do all the housework and to take down all the rubbish and reminded him once again, these were joint responsibilities. He apologized and said he would try to do better.

He hoovered once, cleaned the sink, and that was about it.
He left the rubbish there for a week straight so I put it by the front door so he could grab it on his way to work. He actually pushed it out of the way and went to work as normal.

I messaged him and just said "Hey I noticed you didn't take the rubbish out. I left it by the door so you could easily grab it on your way to work. As previously discussed, you need to do your fair share etc etc Please make sure you take care of it when you get home."

No response, he comes back that night and storms in:

"CAN WE HAVE A CHAT????"

He then proceeded to say "something clicked" in his head and he remembered he once had to take the rubbish down an extra time because I was in town and I had no right to be "giving out" to him.

I was just sitting there thinking "wtf is going on in his head"... I pointed out that thats fair enough, but doesn't really have any impact on the matter at hand and didn't excuse his lack of effort in regards to general upkeep of the apartment and getting things fixed.

He absolutely freaks out, starts actually shouting at me (all while facing away from me). I just let him rant away, and calmly responded that I wouldn't tolerate that kind of attitude, that he had no grounds to speak to me that way, and that if he was dealing with personal issues, to deal with them on his own time, and not to take them out on me. He kept shouting anyway, so I just told him I wasn't going to be speaking to him anymore. He then said "Yes let's both stop talking"...

The next day I confronted him and told him he was bang out of order for acting the way he did and told him he owed me an apology. He started to sigh and gave this passive aggressive "sorry", I just said stopped him and said "NOPE, you can try again there." He then went onto say work was really **** and he was really sorry etc . I reiterated that his personal problems were not my issue and to deal with those issues on his own time. I accepted the apology, made some lighthearted chat and things went back to (somewhat) normal. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to last month. He messages me while I'm at work:

"WOW thanks for leaving the rubbish for me to take out even though I took care of it the last time. At this point I'm just going to have my own rubbish bin because I'm god damn sick of this! And for the love of god, don't tell me that you were the last one to take it out, as I took it out last Tuesday!"

I'm instantly like what the actual f*ck.......

Being perfectly honest - which I also said to him - I thought it was his turn to take it down, I wouldnt have left it there otherwise, simple mistake. I also asked him had there been some sort of miscommunication that he thought it was ok to speak to me in that way. He could have just said "Hey its your turn to take out the rubbish." Told him he could feel free to get his own bin, no problem.

After this, he hid in his room and wouldn't come out to discuss it like an adult.
He eventually had to come out as he was getting groceries delivered so I confronted him and asked if he has anything to say. He said "no" - this and what comes next all said without looking me in the eye - and quickly said "actually yes, I was so angry because you and your boyfriend left food out for me to clean up"... which never happened. I asked him what he was talking about and he flipped and said "Ye left a rubbish bag there with food in it for me to take out, I've never had you take out any of my rubbish!"

At this point, he really started to comes across as totally delusional... I asked if he understood the concept of a rubbish bin, and pointed out he didn't have to "clean up" any food. Also pointed out that for 4 months I HAD been taking down his rubbish weekly when I brought down the rubbish bags he had contributed to.

He then had the cheek to tell me to f*ck off, again without having the balls to even look at me while doing it. I absolutely lost it at this point, and asked him who the hell did he think he was to speak to me like that after everything I'd done for and around the apartment. All he kept saying was F off F off. I ended up walking away from him in absolute anger and frustration.

That was last week. He since broke the door handle (but blamed it on a delivery man???) so I couldnt get out of the apartment so I banged on his door, pointed it out and told him he needed to ring someone to get it fixed. He said he would. That was a Sunday, come Wednesday it still hadn't been fixed so I called the estate agent and asked had he called to bring it to their attention. They said no... of course. I expressed my annoyance at this to them, and I got someone out to fix it the next day.

It's now been over a week since the door handle has been fixed. I'm currently off work for a few days (until tomorrow) due to a back injury and every single day and night he only comes out of his room to go to work. He refuses to come out to say sorry for not getting someone to fix it and to say cheers for me having to do so.

I'm honestly at my wits end with this kid. He is so disrespectful, ungrateful and rude, and I'm pretty sure he's somewhat delusional as well.

Sorry for the long long long rant, but it's been somewhat cathartic for me .

Opinions, questions and suggestions welcome!

punisher5112

Simple solution, move out.

HelgaWard

Ye are driving each other demented, time for one of ye to move out.

NicoleL88

punisher5112 wrote: »

Simple solution, move out.

I can't and don't want to move out. I don't have the necessary savings, I like this apartment and put a lot of work into it, and there's no where suitable/affordable to move to at present. Plus I only moved in in April!

Mr. Incognito

I have no idea why you think you should be leaving bins for him to take out or allocating chores.

Take your own bins out. If you want the place clean then clean it.

You seem to be very invested in what he is doing with his life and his time.

You seem to want some sort of recognition for being an adult. Congratulations. You rang someone to fix a handle. Lets have a parade. Is he supposed to bow down every time you carry out some unsophisticated menial chore.

Maybe you should focus on your own interests.

I've lived in house shares for nearly 20 years. The only rule is mind your own business.

NicoleL88

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I have no idea why you think you should be leaving bins for him to take out or allocating chores.

Take your own bins out. If you want the place clean then clean it.

You seem to be very invested in what he is doing with his life and his time.

You seem to want some sort of recognition for being an adult. Congratulations. You rang someone to fix a handle. Lets have a parade. Is he supposed to bow down every time you carry out some unsophisticated menial chore.

Maybe you should focus on your own interests.

I've lived in house shares for nearly 20 years. The only rule is mind your own business.

We agreed upon moving in that we would split up the housework evenly, and take it in turns to take down the rubbish.

I already asked him if he'd like to come up with another system/agreement since the one we agreed on didn't suit him.

Your comments after that are pretty unnecessary and way off the mark.

If you break something or leave something in a mess, its your responsibility to get it fixed/clean it. I'm no one's mother.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you're not his mother, but you are acting like it. Yes, obviously he should be pulling his weight. But he's not. He's 23, maybe has his mother pick up after him his whole life. I'd wonder why he had to leave his last accommodation in such a hurry. Things like putting out the rubbish can become huge issues, when the reality is it's such a minor issue. You left the rubbish by the door for him to bring out. It would have been as simple for you to just bring yourself when you were going out the door.

I don't really know what advice can be given to you. He's not going to change. So you accept that and find a way to live with it, or one of you moves out. I suppose you can keep on at him until he decides to move of his own accord. But definitely don't expect a change in behaviour.

Mr. Incognito

We agreed upon moving in that we would split up the housework evenly, and take it in turns to take down the rubbish.

There is no such thing as even housework. Ever. Everyone has different expectations of clean.

Either you are niavie or clinging onto that as some sort of justification for your crusade.

You appear to want recognition, apologies, some sort of gratitude. You talk about "putting a lot of work" into an apartment you moved in in April.

You are in a house share. That means respecting each others space, privacy and lives. You appear to be nagging him to do tasks around the house to the extent he has barricaded himself in his room.

Bluntly i think YOU are the problem. Who expects gratitude from house mates.

If there's a job needs doing do it- get on with your own life and stop turning menial housework into a drama

punisher5112

I find it amazing you're so fixated on him.

Kind of like a mother figure you are.

You have most use of communal areas as you say yourself he stays in his room most if not all the time.

Clean the place as you wish, leave his dishes and if you feel so bad get a lock or separate cupboard and place your stuff in it.

Have a proper chat dont speak down to him and voice your concerns.

You have it quite good to be honest.

NicoleL88

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

There is no such thing as even housework. Ever. Everyone has different expectations of clean.

As already stated, we had this conversation before we moved in and each conveyed what standards of clean we both expect and how we would divvy up tasks.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You appear to want recognition, apologies, some sort of gratitude. You talk about "putting a lot of work" into an apartment you moved in in April.

It's called having manners.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Bluntly i think YOU are the problem. Who expects gratitude from house mates.

I think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, mate!

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

If there's a job needs doing do it- get on with your own life and stop turning menial housework into a drama

Right, cheers for that. :rolleyes:

Xterminator

Hi Op

you seem very defensive on that last reply.

you agreed an ideal set of circumstances on moving in. It hasn't worked out. you have ruled out moving out. that just leaves staying and making the best of things. Now do you think you are going to change this person with a chat or two? No you wont.

It leaves you changing the way you interact with him. That's what you can control.

I suggest you limit your interactions with him. Stop looking for him to be respectful or grateful. Settle for not bothering each other as much as you can. stop looking at what he does in his own room, his comings and goings. Its none of your business if he doesn't come out for a week!

so take your own rubbish out. You don't needs his agreement for that. Get maintenance on the apt done yourself - if your not his mother, hes not your handyman/ secretary and i'm not sure why you left that to him. If was one interaction you didn't need to have.

NicoleL88

punisher5112 wrote: »

I find it amazing you're so fixated on him..

For the purposes of this post I am. Pretty self explanatory.

punisher5112 wrote: »

You have most use of communal areas as you say yourself he stays in his room most if not all the time.

He uses them when I'm not there, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't help with what he agreed to help with.

punisher5112 wrote: »

Have a proper chat dont speak down to him and voice your concerns.

You have it quite good to be honest.

I've tried that several times. If you call speaking in a civil manner to someone who proceeds to swear at you "speaking down" to someone then i don't know what to say. And no, I don't have it quite good, I think you've misunderstood the crux of the post.

NicoleL88

Xterminator wrote: »

if your not his mother, hes not your handyman/ secretary and i'm not sure why you left that to him. If was one interaction you didn't need to have.

If you broke something would you do nothing and leave it to someone else to fix?

Big Bag of Chips

So what advice do you think people can offer you here? Or are you just having a rant? If he is the problem, he'a not going to change. He's not posting asking what he can do to make things better. You are, and people can only advise you.

He's not going to change. Even if every person on this thread tells you he sounds like an overgrown child that's not going to help you or change your situation. You don't want to leave, so I suppose all you can do is make living with you as unpleasant as possible for him so that eventually he will leave. He's not going to suddenly become super tidy and organised.

By the way... I rarely clean my oven!!

Dial Hard

Mr. Incognito wrote:

Bluntly i think YOU are the problem. Who expects gratitude from house mates.

What a load of crap. The least I would expect from anyone sharing living space is a somewhat equitable divvy up of cleaning duties and chores. Telling the OP that it's essentially her "fault" for not wanting to live in a tip is complete and utter bollox when they both sat down at the start and had a conversation about their expectations and standards.

This guy is a complete and utter chancer.

OP, your only option here is to sit him down when you're both calm, lay out the issues and remind him of the agreements you both made when you moved in. And for the love of crimony, no more three-week unpaying guests. Unfortunately I think BBOC might be right, though, this guy is so used to mammy picking up after him that he thinks doing ANYTHING at all - like taking the rubbish out once in a blue moon - is going above and beyond the call of duty.

Did he move straight from home, by any chance?

.......

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

NicoleL88 wrote: »

I like this apartment and put a lot of work into it!

Why are you putting work into a rented apartment?

Look OP there are two options - move out or ignore. Your not his mother/wife/girlfriend. Get your own bins, plates etc, divide the fridge and presses up between you. Are there two bathrooms? Just divide up as much as you can and keep the shared stuff to as little as possible and get on with your life. The only thing i'd be super annoyed about is the smoking as most leases say no smoking it could effect getting your deposit back.

If you don't want to do any of that then move it out. those are the only options, you aren't going to suddenly change him and frankly it's not your place to do so, if he wants to be an ass that's his choice.

sexmag

You said quite neurotic and like a nagging girlfriend who is obesseivly watching everything he does and the fact you kept confirming you said all these things in a civil manner shows you as immediately on the defensive before you even started the op.

He owes you nothing, in reality clean up after your own self and thats it. If you made an agreement and it didnt work, what do you expect to happen? It would be great if people weer 100% independent and helped out but they dont and youve seen that now.

The options are you either move out(which you say you cant) or just live with it, he stays in his room so i cant see how hes making much of a mess in communal areas anymore, you dont like him taking the delph then get your own and keep it in your room.

There is no further advice anyone on this thread is going to be able to give you

Plopsu

Would you be willing/able to make life as uncomfortable as possible for him in the hope that he'll move out?

B0jangles

He is a lazy, spoiled baby.

You need to get rid of him, and find a roommate with basic hygiene standards. Let him live in a pigsty by himself if that's what he wants.

(got to laugh at all the posters getting offended on his behalf - seems like there's a lot of dirty babbies around!)

woodchuck

OP if you're not willing to move out, then you both need to sit down and discuss your future living arrangements together. I know you discussed this before you moved in, but evidently, it's not working out.

It's important that you discuss this on equal terms though. Don't talk down to him, listen to his opinions and don't focus on past events - just focus on how you both want to do things going forward.

You need to be frank and honest with each other about what your expectations are and work around that. For example, if he's happy that the bins are taken out once a week, but you'd prefer twice a week, then instead of arguing about it, it seems only fair that you take the bins out more often.

NicoleL88

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So what advice do you think people can offer you here? Or are you just having a rant?

I don't know what advice people can offer, that's why I asked.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I suppose all you can do is make living with you as unpleasant as possible for him so that eventually he will leave. He's not going to suddenly become super tidy and organised.

I'd really rather not do that, I wouldn't want to make someone uncomfortable on purpose.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way... I rarely clean my oven!!

Remind me never to cook in it so :pac:

Dial Hard wrote: »

OP, your only option here is to sit him down when you're both calm, lay out the issues and remind him of the agreements you both made when you moved in. And for the love of crimony, no more three-week unpaying guests.

I'd like to do so again without having to chase him before work, or knocking on his door, asking him to come out after work. I think its pretty sad he's choosing to stay in his room when I'm there rather than deal with necessary confrontation.

Dial Hard wrote: »

Did he move straight from home, by any chance?

Nope, he lived with a mentaller of a house mate who I witnessed first hand, but to be honest I'm now questioning how she ended up that way...

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Because it was fine when I entered the apartment, and became broken after he came in and out of the apartment twice that day. He blamed it on a delivery guy who was no where near the door handle since he let him out and in.

can't log in wrote: »

Why are you putting work into a rented apartment?

I take pride in anywhere that I live and always try to make sure its a nice, comfortable, aesthetically pleasing place to be in. I don't mean hard labour or painting the place or anything, I mean I've taken care of all the fittings and fixtures, gotten things fixed when needed, gotten new appliances, decorated etc.

can't log in wrote: »

Are there two bathrooms? Just divide up as much as you can and keep the shared stuff to as little as possible and get on with your life. The only thing i'd be super annoyed about is the smoking as most leases say no smoking it could effect getting your deposit back.

He has an en suite, and then there's the main bathroom which I look after. Agreed about the smoking, but if I complain about that I know he'll report the resident cat as a way to get back at me, even though he's no hassle and just sleeps most of the time.

can't log in wrote: »

if he wants to be an ass that's his choice.

Very true, thanks for making me realize that!

sexmag wrote: »

You said quite neurotic and like a nagging girlfriend who is obesseivly watching everything he does and the fact you kept confirming you said all these things in a civil manner shows you as immediately on the defensive before you even started the op.

There's a lot of reaching in that post! :rolleyes: I stated I said it in a civil manner to convey I didn't freak out at him and tried to approach the issue in a mature, rational manner, despite being sworn at multiple times. for my efforts.

sexmag wrote: »

he stays in his room so i cant see how hes making much of a mess in communal areas anymore, you dont like him taking the delph then get your own and keep it in your room.

I work full time. I'm just currently off for a few days as I've injured my back. As mentioned, he uses the areas when I'm not in the apartment. And I'd really not rather resort to childish college living tactics and keep cutlery in my bedroom, nor should I have to.

Plopsu wrote: »

Would you be willing/able to make life as uncomfortable as possible for him in the hope that he'll move out?

I'd really rather not do that, as I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

B0jangles wrote: »

He is a lazy, spoiled baby.

You need to get rid of him, and find a roommate with basic hygiene standards. Let him live in a pigsty by himself if that's what he wants.

(got to laugh at all the posters getting offended on his behalf - seems like there's a lot of dirty babbies around!)

Laughed at this I'd like very much for him to move out, would have no issue getting someone else in.

woodchuck wrote: »

OP if you're not willing to move out, then you both need to sit down and discuss your future living arrangements together.

Would very much like to do so, but it's hard when he's constantly avoiding me. I guess I will have to bite the bullet and actually ask him to come out of his room for a chat. It's like living with a moody teenager... but how do you tell someone "You need to move out because I'm not"?

Thanks for the rest of the advice, Woodchuck!

zapper55

Ok he sounds like someone who you are never going to gel with. But I can completely understand him lying to.avoid confrontation. You seem to to not be at all easygoing from your posts, I'd probably want to avoid the tension by interacting with you as little as possible and staying in my room too.

I've rented with strangers for ten years. There has always been things that annoyed me about them and probably vice versa. But part of house sharing is learning to bite your tongue. If his actions annoy you that much then either you move out or he does. I'm afraid you don't get to control how another adult acts, even if it seems to be very messy etc.

Also I've never decorated or gotten new appliances in places I've been renting. The fact that you have suggests you are quite territorial about where you live. You may well have to accept that no-one will meet your standards. You mentioned a previous difficult living situation. Perhaps there were similar elements to this one.

NicoleL88

zapper55 wrote: »

You seem to to not be at all easygoing from your posts, I'd probably want to avoid the tension by interacting with you as little as possible and staying in my room too.

I am easy going and easy to get along with, I just don't enjoy or tolerate people taking the p*ss.

zapper55 wrote: »

Also I've never decorated or gotten new appliances in places I've been renting. The fact that you have suggests you are quite territorial about where you live. You may well have to accept that no-one will meet your standards. You mentioned a previous difficult living situation. Perhaps there were similar elements to this one.

I don't think hanging a few pictures, getting a few throws, rearranging the furniture for more space, buying a kettle/toaster and generally giving the place a bit of character can be classed as "territorial".

My previous living situation is that I had to live with my emotionally and verbally abusive mother while I saved up to afford a new place, as myself and my ex had broken up after living together for 5 years, but I'm sure her behavior was my fault too(!)

Seriously though, my standards are: have a conversation, agree to what is going to be done by both parties, and stick to it. If either party can't, then discuss it or come up with an alternate agreement. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Rubberchikken

Life is too short to put up with someone like that.
Maybe they can change but personally i wouldnt have the patience to put up with immature rude juvenile behaviour from an adult.
Find a new place. You deserve better than having to deal with this guy.

Big Bag of Chips

NicoleL88 wrote: »

Remind me never to cook in it so :pac:

That'd be weird.

Anyway, if he won't talk to you then you can't have a chat with him. You've approached him and he's not interested in talking to you. You can maybe stop asking him to do things and see will he just do them himself. Leaving the rubbish at the front door seems petty. Maybe you need to lower your standards a bit, and hope that he raises his. But if he doesn't, then that's that.

No amount of advice here to you is going to change him.

woodchuck

Would very much like to do so, but it's hard when he's constantly avoiding me. I guess I will have to bite the bullet and actually ask him to come out of his room for a chat. It's like living with a moody teenager... but how do you tell someone "You need to move out because I'm not"?

So is the goal to try and make him move out? Or are you willing to work on the issues? If you want to work on it, I'd maybe text him during the day and say something along the lines of "Hi, I know we've been getting on each others nerves lately and I'd like to try and sort things out together. Can we sit down for a chat this evening if you're around? I'll bring the pizza* "
(*or beer, Chinese food, whatever his vice is! Might be a nice peace offering)

It sounds like you two used to be friends, so I'd try to patch things up personally. While he does sound like a bit of a slob, you may need to recognise that you're on the other end of the spectrum (I'll admit to rarely/never cleaning my oven... just a quick wipe if I make something very messy :P). The chat really needs to be non confrontational though. I'd almost be trying to have a laugh about how different ye are and see how you can both try and compromise a bit without wrecking each others heads.

If after the chat you realise that the two of ye can't meet in the middle then it might be the case that one of you needs to move out, but I wouldn't be jumping into the conversation with that as the end goal.

Cushie Butterfield

You seem overly stressed out over & unnecessarily fixated on this chap’s every movement & action. Consider paying your GP a visit & see if they’ll prescribe something to help take the edge off.

Dial Hard

I can't believe how harsh people are being on the OP. She's clearly someone who takes pride in their living space and finds herself living with a slob. It'd drive me up the walls too.

BnB

Hi OP. You are not going to change or fix your housemate, but you very possibly will drive yourself (and possibly him) to the looney bin while trying.

I think that you need to accept now that this is not going to work and try and figure out what the next step is.

I think you need to sit down with him and try and have a grown up calm conversation. Just start it out with something like.."Look, I think we can both agree - This isn't working as it is and we need to decide what the next step is here." And ultimately, one of you is going to have to move out.

I know ideally, you would like it to be him as you feel it would be unfair for you to go because of the energy you have invested in the place, but for your own mental health, I think you have to be prepared to go yourself too.

NicoleL88

Cushie Butterfield wrote: »

You seem overly stressed out over & unnecessarily fixated on this chap’s every movement & action. Consider paying your GP a visit & see if they’ll prescribe something to help take the edge off.

Watch out, you might hurt your back reaching there .:rolleyes:

Dial Hard wrote: »

I can't believe how harsh people are being on the OP. She's clearly someone who takes pride in their living space and finds herself living with a slob. It'd drive me up the walls too.

The slobby babbies are out in force today it seems! :pac:

BnB wrote: »

I know ideally, you would like it to be him as you feel it would be unfair for you to go because of the energy you have invested in the place, but for your own mental health, I think you have to be prepared to go yourself too.

I agree, but I have searched for places to move, but there's no where available in my price range, that's cat friendly and in a suitable location. I also don't have the means to move at the moment. Thanks for the constructive advice!

ConnyMcDavid

Could ye perhaps agree on a cleaner and split the bill?
It doesn't sound like he's making any sort of effort to improve and I doubt he will.

LegacyUser

I can't believe some of the replies here. Some people don't realise how absolute draining it is to work all day and then come home to do double housework in a houseshare. No one should have to do extra housework, not in a houseshare anyway. There's different levels of what people think is clean but to do zero housework and leave it up to someone else isn't fair. No one should have to tell someone what to do either. I know all to well with having lazy housemates and I have no advice because you can't change them. All I know is over the space of two years we had five people move in and out and out of those five, there was one who actually did things around the house. They actually did too much while I gave up and done the very basics because not everyone was pulling their weight. My point is that there's more of a chance of getting another lazy person to replace them if your housemate was to leave. So it's something that you have to put up with and just lower your standards because there's no other way.

Caranica

I don't understand why him hiding in his room is a problem. My housemate does that from time to time and I love the space! It's also a pretty natural instinct to avoid confrontation.

I do think you need to have a house meeting. No aggression, maybe call it a review of how things are going. Let him get stuff off his chest first. Then start your pitch with "do you remember how we both needed somewhere safe to live and we sat down and talked about it and agreed XYZ... It's not working out quite like we agreed so let's try to see what we can do to fix it.

dellas1979

NicoleL88 wrote: »

Seriously though, my standards are: have a conversation, agree to what is going to be done by both parties, and stick to it. If either party can't, then discuss it or come up with an alternate agreement. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Yea but, OP, those are your standards.

We all dont live by each other's standards (unless forced to). Then that some what goes down the road of dictatorship...

I would fully agree that if you cant stand each other, him or you move out. OR you adjust your behaviour around him. Why should you? Because you cant control his. You can rant away all you like here, and IMs about bins, and door handles, but he isnt going to change.

I can completely empathize with your situation. I can. And personally, I wouldnt be able to stand living with someone like that. But Id also get myself out of it if it wasnt doing me good.

dellas1979

NicoleL88 wrote: »

The slobby babbies are out in force today it seems! :pac:

B8tching like that isnt really productive to your situation now, is it. Who are we talking to here? A 20 year old or a 30 year old?

I must point out, you talk about "talking in a civil manner" "being an adult", but when confronted yourself, look what happens. Learning anything?

Pelvis

Op, you moved in with a 23 year old boy. How is any of this a surprise?

He's not going to change, so you either put up with it or move.

NicoleL88

dellas1979 wrote: »

B8tching like that isnt really productive to your situation now, is it. Who are we talking to here? A 20 year old or a 30 year old?

I must point out, you talk about "talking in a civil manner" "being an adult", but when confronted yourself, look what happens. Learning anything?

Learning not to attempt to have a sense of humour otherwise I'll be reprimanded by strangers online! The comment was actually referencing a comment that person made earlier.

Heaven forfend I crack a joke! Cheers for this absolutely pointless comment though.

The actual advice by others has been much appreciated, cheers!

LegacyUser

The guests overstaying welcome is bit much. Not contact landlord about breakages fair enough. The bin thing in the first instance was very passive aggressive behaviour on your part on both occasions. Why are his comings and going’s any of your business, he’s entitled to stay in his room for 48 hours if he wants to he’s paying for it and I’m assuming has the ensuite. The whole didn’t know if he was dead thing is very dramatic.

lulu1

At the end of the day the op is not asking for blood. She only wants her house mate to clean up after himself.

She is sick taking on every job in the house and rightly so'

I dont think you will be able to have a calm chat with this lad now op he probably thinks you have it in for him

juneg

Pelvis wrote: »

Op, you moved in with a 23 year old boy. How is any of this a surprise?

He's not going to change, so you either put up with it or move.

That's what struck me from the outset as well. He's very young. Ye both sound stressed. Just cut each other some slack. There's more to life.

Never wrestle with pigs

How do people live in these types of situations? Renting apartments with strangers, fighting over who's turn it is to take out the rubbish. Ewww that is like prison. Modern day living I suppose. Sad really.

BettePorter

What is this thing about 'your turn to take out the rubbish'.....so if u go to the bin and it's full but it's not 'your turn' to take it out , you pile high til the other person does?

That's just infantile. Surely it would be easier to just say ....If the bin is full. ...change it. And even if it's only to take the binbag and leave it at the front door whoever goes down next bins it.

Also a flatmate who spends 48 hours in his room sounds like a dream.

beertons

Who's name is on the lease?

NicoleL88

beertons wrote: »

Who's name is on the lease?

Both of ours.

LegacyUser

Noadvice wrote: »

Some people don't realise how absolute draining it is to work all day and then come home to do double housework in a houseshare.

I know exactly how draining it is as I've been there and I moved out as life is too short to put up with it. No one is saying it's great to live like a slob but its the reality of a house share that personalities don't always mesh and the quicker people cop on to that the better their lives are.

Some of the things the OP has complained about are genuine issues with a house share but she's also nit picking everything the guy does. He spends all his time in his room, so what? What business is that of the OPs? She's spent money on a rented apartment buying appliances and putting up pictures (hope the hooks were there already OP as most rented apartments don't allow you to put nails in the wall) Did you ask him if he was ok with you putting up pictures in communal spaces? Did you ask if he wanted to put any of his pictures up? Maybe the guy spends all the time in room as it's the only space the OP hasn't taken over.

If both their names are on the lease then the OP has no right to try and force him to move out - either find a balance you can live with or move out, those are the options.

NicoleL88

BettePorter wrote: »

What is this thing about 'your turn to take out the rubbish'.....so if u go to the bin and it's full but it's not 'your turn' to take it out , you pile high til the other person does?

That's just infantile. Surely it would be easier to just say ....If the bin is full. ...change it. And even if it's only to take the binbag and leave it at the front door whoever goes down next bins it.

Because it was was agreed to! I don't think its fair (and neither does he apparently) that one should have to do it more than the other if BOTH are contributing to it. I already tried leaving it by the door after he left it there for a week, and he pushed it aside.

Lads, I'm really not understanding half the replies calling this situation "dramatic" or whatever along those lines.

It's an issue in my life at the moment, one that's stressing me out. It's his behavior towards dealing with these issues more so than the not cleaning, because I too have lived with plenty of them over the last 12 years.

I get that some people don't understand wanting things to be fair (as was agreed) or even keeping your place of residence clean (which should be standard anyway but moreso when you have a little creature living there too). But seriously, if ye have nothing legitimate or constructive to add, then please don't waste your own time and mine by replying.

Big Bag of Chips

NicoleL88, you post on a public forum, and therefore invite all opinion and advice. Some of it may not be relevant to you, but you don't get to tell people not to post. You can ignore anything that you feel is irrelevant. You and your housemate are different. People offering you advice and opinion here are all different. It might be no harm to read various opinions and see can you garner anything from them rather than sniping at posters who have taken time to reply.

NicoleL88

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It might be no harm to read various opinions and see can you garner anything from them rather than sniping at posters who have taken time to reply.

I wasn't sniping at anyone, merely making a legitimate and reasonable request having read both the constructive and non constructive opinions and posts. Or is it just that I'm not welcome to express my opinion? You can close the thread, cheers.

B0jangles

For what it's worth OP, my own standard is that everyone gets to choose how they want to live when its entirely their own space - once you're sharing you have to at least hit some basic standards of cleanliness and tidiness.

I'm as messy as hell in my own private space, but if I'm using a space that other people use, like a kitchen or livingroom, then I clean up after myself. (Not five hours later either, immediately after I was using it - no leaving pots 'to soak' in the sink for 48 hours.)

That's just common decency.

Faith

NicoleL88 wrote: »

I wasn't sniping at anyone, merely making a legitimate and reasonable request having read both the constructive and non constructive opinions and posts. Or is it just that I'm not welcome to express my opinion? You can close the thread, cheers.

I think a really good point was made by dellas in suggesting that you reflect on your own confrontation style via this thread. You laid out your argument in a clear fashion and calmly stated your concerns at the beginning, but it rapidly devolved to you only thanking people who agreed with you and sniping at those who didn’t. When confronted on this, you got defensive and lashed out. Then you threw your toys out of the prom by asking for the thread to be closed, which is hardly going to fix the problem.

It would be really helpful to ask yourself if this might at all reflect how you behave in real life too? I mean this is a totally objective and non-judgemental way. It’s enormously helpful to reflect on patterns of behavior in our life because it’s only with awareness that we can break them.