Brother's wedding ... Am I wrong?

LegacyUser · 18-06-2018 05:58PM #1

Hello, just wondering if I'm in the wrong and what would you do in the situation?

First of a bit of background. I have two brothers. One which caused a lot of trouble a few years ago and stopped speaking to me as a result. A while back, I got seriously sick and he completely ignored it and didn't wish me a speedy recovery/get well soon not even by text. Not really expecting it but if the roles were reversed, I would have been in contact. As I said, we don't speak. He was getting married and invited me (mostly because my parents made him). After thinking about it for a long time, I felt that I would be too stressed on the day so declined.

Now, the other brother is getting married. He tried his best to get my other brother to apologise to me but he refused. He said many times that this wouldn't happen at his wedding but surprise surprise it is. He has asked this brother to be his best man - fair enough - wasn't expecting it but was expecting to be asked to be groomsman but I found out (not from him) that he has asked a work friend (whom he hasn't known for long) to be his groomsman. To say that I'm upset and annoyed is an understatement. I contacted him asked him to confirm that I wasn't his groomsman and which he did. I told him that I couldn't attend his wedding as he has upset me so much. I'm aware that it is his wedding and he has a right to choose who he wants but this has hit me like a steam train. He told me that I'm being childish - maybe I am. I just can't the idea of sitting on another table with my parents and two brothers at the top table with a stranger in the middle.

Am I wrong? I'm very hurt. Would you attend the wedding? I feel sorry for my parents as they spent the day making excuses for my absence during the last wedding. The excitement has gone out of it now even if I attend. I feel very like the black sheep.

Thanks in advance for any advise.

amdublin · 18-06-2018 07:59PM

Family occasions can bring out or cause a lot of stress

I'm sorry you're feeling upset op.

Am I right it is because you're not groomsmen?

If I were you I'd just go and enjoy the day - no responsibility or job in the day, it sounds like a bit of a win to me...

The other brother. Sorry I missed the reason why you didn't go to the wedding and what you want an apology for. I'll go back and read again

Oink · 18-06-2018 08:13PM

From what I read, it was simply not an option to have both you and the second brother in the wedding party, one as best man the other one as groomsman. Just not possible.
So the groom could have excluded you both, or picked one. He decided to pick the other brother. It’s up to you to decide whether you think he was justified or not, and whether it is forgivable/understandable or not.

Remember it’s supposed to be the best day of HIS life, so if it turns out not to be, try and make sure it’s not because of you. Unless you decide it’s not forgivable and worth “losing” a second brother.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2018 08:14PM

amdublin wrote: »

Family occasions can bring out or cause a lot of stress

I'm sorry you're feeling upset op.

Am I right it is because you're not groomsmen?

If I were you I'd just go and enjoy the day - no responsibility or job in the day, it sounds like a bit of a win to me...

The other brother. Sorry I missed the reason why you didn't go to the wedding and what you want an apology for. I'll go back and read again

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

No apology needed from other brother. I spilled the beans on something he was up to and he has held it against me since then. I didn't go to the wedding as he completely ignores me when I'm at home, says nothing and gets angry while I'm there. He threw a strop one Christmas Eve as I went into the sitting room where everyone was and gave presents to the kids. He has the knack of making me feel inferior but that could be me. If he had sent me a text/called in to see me when I was ill, I would definitely attended his wedding but he thought so little of me that it was in the back of my mind. I didn't want to feel on edge everyday and as I said, he only asked me because my parents told him they wouldn't be attending if he didn't invite me.

December2012 · 18-06-2018 08:27PM

From what you say I think you're the problem

You don't get on with one brother and refused to go to his wedding. You basically put a nail in the coffin then.

You then made it very difficult for your other brother. THEN you got annoyed for not being picked to be a groomsman. And now you're not going to another family wedding be sure of a slight.

You appear to be very dramatic and looking for attention.

If you want to salvage any family relationships go to your brothers wedding and make nice.

Totes · 18-06-2018 08:48PM

Hi op

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s awful and very hurtful to feel excluded particularly when there’s just the three of ye.

IMO I would go to the wedding as I feel you will regret it down the road otherwise, it’s just one day and the feelings you have for your estranged brother should not impact on your relationship with your nice brother.

When you look back on this in time, if you go, you can be glad you were supportive of him & his partner and this matters.

I wish you the best.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2018 09:33PM

Thanks for the responses so far.

This is still very raw as I only found out yesterday. It may be selfishness. I don't know. I had just assumed I would be doing it. I feel very left out. I would have been so happy to do groomsman. I have never be involved in 'big' things in my family, I suppose I feel robbed by the person who will be doing groomsman. I feel like I am the black sheep. My brothers are not like me. They don't share the same interests as I do and have no interest in mine. They have always treated with disdain. I don't ask for much in life but this is something I really wanted to do. I am quite by nature and popular among my colleagues and have very good friends from school days but when it comes to my immediate family, I feel like a stranger. I usually let things go but I have been thinking about this and have cried a lot which is something I havn't done for some time ... probably since my grandfather died a number of years ago ... that just shows how upset I am with this situation.

Totes · 18-06-2018 09:58PM

it sounds like being / feeling excluded within the family has been going on for a long time; would you consider counselling to help yourself cope with these situations. I have found it really helpful in the past.

Mr. Incognito · 18-06-2018 10:16PM

upset18 wrote: »

Thanks for the responses so far.

This is still very raw as I only found out yesterday. It may be selfishness. I don't know. I had just assumed I would be doing it. I feel very left out. I would have been so happy to do groomsman. I have never be involved in 'big' things in my family, I suppose I feel robbed by the person who will be doing groomsman. I feel like I am the black sheep. My brothers are not like me. They don't share the same interests as I do and have no interest in mine. They have always treated with disdain. I don't ask for much in life but this is something I really wanted to do. I am quite by nature and popular among my colleagues and have very good friends from school days but when it comes to my immediate family, I feel like a stranger. I usually let things go but I have been thinking about this and have cried a lot which is something I havn't done for some time ... probably since my grandfather died a number of years ago ... that just shows how upset I am with this situation.

This smacks of poor me. Rolling out the dead grandfather pity me story.

Cop on. Grow up.

You bailed on your brothers wedding. Id not trust you after that to be a groomsman either.

Apologise to your brother. Go enjoy HIS day. Not yours.

orthsquel · 18-06-2018 10:18PM

I think it's an opportunity you have here OP, to make amends with your brother you fell out with and start building better relationships with both your brothers.

Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person to apologise, even if you feel it is not your position to do so. Your other brother is in a difficult position because the two of you don't get on and refuse to apologise from either side, it seems.

If you feel slighted that you were ill and your brother you fell out with didn't call to see you... he may have cared but may not have been wanted there. There's nothing to stop you now from calling him up and making amends, or just apologising and leaving the future open to a civil brother relationship and building from that.

In your other brother's shoes, what choice does he have? Exclude the brother he probably sees the most and engages with to avoid upsetting you? Exclude both of you and have randomers be his best man and groomsman?

You've a chance to mend fences, if you choose not to, and choose to be upset with your brother, I don't see how anyone else involved would see it as anything but your loss and own fault, especially if you find yourself unhappy with how it turns out.

On the other side of things OP, you sound like you are hurting and you feel like a black sheep. Alienating yourself further is not going to help you much. It sounds like you have bottled up a lot about your feelings about your brothers.... have you ever tried to talk to them about feeling left out and a black sheep, about the lack of interests in your interests?

SimpleDimples · 18-06-2018 10:26PM

Easy for me to say but I think you should reconsider. It's clear you do want a relationship with the brother getting married & you put this at risk by not going to his wedding.

He has done nothing wrong here & his choice of bestman is probably due to the fact he is more like your other brother than you.

I have 2 sisters & while I get on with them both, if I were getting married only one would probably be in the wedding party - one reason being she's more like me so we would be less likely to clash over silly things, we think alike etc. At the same time, I would be devastated if my other sister wouldn't attend.

Go to the wedding & salvage the relationships. Also, I'm sure your parents would appreciate it too

GingerLily · 18-06-2018 10:31PM

Your brother doesn't feel he can rely on you, as you will make his wedding about you and not him, and you've proved him right.

Family are the most stressful part of a wedding and it's not fair to expect to be your brothers groomsman if you are too selfish to even think of his happiness over yours.

You are isolating yourself and making yourself the black sheep, it's a self fulfilling thing at this stage, unless you break the cycle of your bad behaviour.

Blaizes · 18-06-2018 10:31PM

upset18 wrote: »

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

No apology needed from other brother. I spilled the beans on something he was up to and he has held it against me since then. I didn't go to the wedding as he completely ignores me when I'm at home, says nothing and gets angry while I'm there. He threw a strop one Christmas Eve as I went into the sitting room where everyone was and gave presents to the kids. He has the knack of making me feel inferior but that could be me. If he had sent me a text/called in to see me when I was ill, I would definitely attended his wedding but he thought so little of me that it was in the back of my mind. I didn't want to feel on edge everyday and as I said, he only asked me because my parents told him they wouldn't be attending if he didn't invite me.

Op can I ask where do you come in the family? Are you a middle child?

LegacyUser · 18-06-2018 10:48PM

Totes wrote: »

it sounds like being / feeling excluded within the family has been going on for a long time; would you consider counselling to help yourself cope with these situations. I have found it really helpful in the past.

Yes it has been. I have always felt left out in my immediate family so I live for work where I feel I am valued. At the moment, I feel like I have been put outside the door and it has been padlocked behind me and no matter how hard I knock nobody is listening. Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin. Again, this is very fresh so is very raw. Maybe this happens in other families, I don't know but any weddings I have attended have always had brothers/sisters in the bridal party (unless there was a very big family but ours is small). I don't know what to do, I might contact counselling and see if that helps. Thanks again.

LegacyUser · 18-06-2018 10:58PM

Blaizes wrote: »

Op can I ask where do you come in the family? Are you a middle child?

Eldest

December2012 · 18-06-2018 10:59PM

You don't get to decide if you're in somebody's wedding party. Your recent post talks about how they don't connect with you

Look at your lack of efforts to connect with them!
You're going to have to realise your place in all of this and deal with your contributions to the failure of relationship

bee06 · 19-06-2018 02:02AM

upset18 wrote: »

Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin.

That’s your choice. It’s not something that is out of your control. You are choosing to throw your toys out of the pram and refusing to go to the wedding the same as you did with your other brothers wedding. You could have used that as an opportunity to mend fences but you choose not to.

Cash_Q · 19-06-2018 06:28AM

upset18 wrote:

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

It was a mistake to set your heart on taking on a role that isn't open to volunteers. It is entirely your brother's decision who he asks to be groomsmen. It is unfortunate that you made a presumption and are now upset that things aren't going your way. It would be different if this brother had always suggested that you would be a groomsman and then pulled the rug from under you by asking someone else, but you never should have presumed that the role was yours.

It's a family occasion, but only to a point- it is your brother and his partners occasion, some people dont involve any family. That's their choice.

Imagine you were getting married soon, should you have both brothers as groomsman just because they're your brothers?

You said your brother hasn't known the guy he has chosen as groomsman for long - that's irrelevant, he could ask a stranger on the street if he wanted. Maybe this friend has done a lot for him, who knows, but ultimately it's his decision.

You should go to the wedding if you ever want to maintain any sort of relationship with him.

Jane1012 · 19-06-2018 06:36AM

.

SteM · 19-06-2018 06:54AM

upset18 wrote: »

... he only asked me because my parents told him they wouldn't be attending if he didn't invite me.

So your parents risked falling out with one of their sons to get you an invitation to your other brothers wedding but you refused to go? Sorry OP but you had the chance back then to show that you were the better man but couldn't and now your card is marked.

davo10 · 19-06-2018 07:12AM

upset18 wrote: »

Eldest

I honestly thought you were 18 years old.

Teyla Emmagan · 19-06-2018 07:38AM

upset18 wrote:

Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin.

So you are going to cut off another brother and totally isolate yourself from your family? Remember that if you do this it is totally on you. Your decision. Your fault when you are excluded from all family events in the future and end up the weird uncle that nobody knows. You who is to blame when you are all alone.

Or you could be the bigger man and swallow your pride and hurt and go along to this wedding and support your brother. Stop thinking about how it reflects on you. I have been to loads of weddings where the family are not in the wedding party. It is totally normal.

You need a good kick in the ass OP.

FurBabyMomma · 19-06-2018 07:59AM

1. You "spilled the beans" on something your brother did and blame him for holding it against you. Why did you do this to your brother and what did you gain from it? Whatever it was, whether it was right or wrong, it's only natural your brother is upset with you.

2. Your brother extends the olive branch and invites you to his wedding. Because you're upset with him for not contacting you when sick (bearing in mind he's already upset with you for dobbing him in), you take this golden opportunity to build bridges and throw it back in his face by refusing to attend. Do you have any concept of how upsetting and embarrassing this must have been for your family?

3. Your other brother is getting married, and considering the drama and upset you created with the other wedding, you are lucky to be invited at all. You haven't been left out in the cold, you've simply not been given a role that wasn't automatically yours in the first place. And true to form you're going to marr this day too by not attending.

OP, like every other poster has said so far, the issue mainly lies with you. The only behaviour and choices you can control here are yours, so how about you go and be happy for your brother and try to repair family relationships from there, if that's what you want? Not going is just going to make things worse.

ash23 · 19-06-2018 08:01AM

OP I have been to many weddings where only one of a number of siblings was in the wedding party. My own three sisters included.

You're over reacting and at risk of cutting yourself off from your family.
Get over yourself, apologise to your brother for the over reaction and go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. You come across as being very self centered. It's your brother's wedding and you're causing drama. Stop and help him enjoy his big day

kerryjack · 19-06-2018 08:13AM

From one black sheep to another just go to the church and get the dinner out of them and feck off then you won't be missed

hobie21 · 19-06-2018 08:23AM

December2012 wrote: »

From what you say I think you're the problem

You don't get on with one brother and refused to go to his wedding. You basically put a nail in the coffin then.

You then made it very difficult for your other brother. THEN you got annoyed for not being picked to be a groomsman. And now you're not going to another family wedding be sure of a slight.

You appear to be very dramatic and looking for attention.

If you want to salvage any family relationships go to your brothers wedding and make nice.

I agree. You sound like a drama queen. Annoying everyone including your folks because you don't get what you want.

KERSPLAT! · 19-06-2018 09:00AM

I can't believe you're the eldest.

Go to the wedding and be happy for your brother. Having him as best man and you as groomsman would have ruined the day in my opinion, ye don't even talk.

catrionanic · 19-06-2018 09:09AM

It’s your brothers wedding and you are making it all about you.

You sound childish, difficult and selfish.

GingerLily · 19-06-2018 09:25AM

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I can't believe you're the eldest.

Go to the wedding and be happy for your brother. Having him as best man and you as groomsman would have ruined the day in my opinion, ye don't even talk.

I think the poster expected him to be the middle child - because that explains bad behaviour apparently!

The OP would throw a tantrum eventually, his brother is right to only have people he can trust to behave and support him as his groomsmen.

LegacyUser · 19-06-2018 09:52AM

OP Answer honestly: If you were the one getting married would you have asked both your brothers to be in the wedding party? Given you don't get on with one and didn't go to his wedding i'm guessing no as you knew it would ruin your day. Your brother has made the same choice, he knew he couldn't have both brothers as it sounds like neither of you would be mature enough to understand the day wasn't about you so to avoid drama he asked the brother he appears to be closer to to be his best man and left you out. Sucks but honestly you made your own bed refusing to attend the other brothers wedding. I understand your hurt but throwing a strop and refusing to go at all if you are not a groomsman is really selfish and childish OP.

witchgirl26 · 19-06-2018 10:39AM

upset18 wrote: »

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

OP just because you had your mind set on it does not mean it was a done deal. It was your brothers choice as to who to have and he chose. Yes you can be a bit upset about that - that would be natural, but you can't throw your toys out of the pram and say you're not going to the whole wedding because of it.

upset18 wrote: »

This is still very raw as I only found out yesterday. It may be selfishness. I don't know. I had just assumed I would be doing it. I feel very left out. I would have been so happy to do groomsman. I have never be involved in 'big' things in my family, I suppose I feel robbed by the person who will be doing groomsman. I feel like I am the black sheep. My brothers are not like me. They don't share the same interests as I do and have no interest in mine. They have always treated with disdain. I don't ask for much in life but this is something I really wanted to do. I am quite by nature and popular among my colleagues and have very good friends from school days but when it comes to my immediate family, I feel like a stranger. I usually let things go but I have been thinking about this and have cried a lot which is something I havn't done for some time ... probably since my grandfather died a number of years ago ... that just shows how upset I am with this situation.

Ok you assumed but that was wrong, like I said above. What other "big" things have you been left out of? You left yourself out of your other brothers wedding. Maybe your family are just trying to avoid drama. It seems to be that your brothers get on better or have more in common with each other than they do with you. That can happen and doesn't mean they feel disdain towards what you like. It just means they're different.

If you normally let things go, then why did the whole thing with your other brother result in you not attending his wedding at all? That doesn't tie in.

upset18 wrote: »

Yes it has been. I have always felt left out in my immediate family so I live for work where I feel I am valued. At the moment, I feel like I have been put outside the door and it has been padlocked behind me and no matter how hard I knock nobody is listening. Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin. Again, this is very fresh so is very raw. Maybe this happens in other families, I don't know but any weddings I have attended have always had brothers/sisters in the bridal party (unless there was a very big family but ours is small). I don't know what to do, I might contact counselling and see if that helps. Thanks again.

OP how have you been put outside the door and it padlocked. You weren't asked to be groomsman but it's not like you were not invited to either wedding. You chose not to go to the other brothers one, so you shut the door. If you do the same here, then it's you who's locking it. Not them.

I wouldn't expect brothers or sisters to be in the bridal party. Yes it happens but not always. It depends on the relationships themselves. Friends of mine have not had their siblings in the wedding party for the simple fact that they knew they could rely on their friends more for the jobs that needed doing. The siblings were still involved in the ceremony (readings etc).

upset18 wrote: »

Am I wrong? I'm very hurt. Would you attend the wedding? I feel sorry for my parents as they spent the day making excuses for my absence during the last wedding. The excitement has gone out of it now even if I attend. I feel very like the black sheep.

To answer the original question. Yes you are wrong. It's ok to be hurt that you weren't asked. It would have been nice. But ultimately it's your brothers decision. Yes I would attend the wedding - why on earth would you not? He's your brother and you claim you get on so put on a suit and be happy for him. The excitement for the day should be his not yours. He should not be worrying about his brother not turning up because he made a decision you don't like.

Brother's wedding ... Am I wrong?

Comments