Brother's wedding ... Am I wrong?

LegacyUser

Hello, just wondering if I'm in the wrong and what would you do in the situation?

First of a bit of background. I have two brothers. One which caused a lot of trouble a few years ago and stopped speaking to me as a result. A while back, I got seriously sick and he completely ignored it and didn't wish me a speedy recovery/get well soon not even by text. Not really expecting it but if the roles were reversed, I would have been in contact. As I said, we don't speak. He was getting married and invited me (mostly because my parents made him). After thinking about it for a long time, I felt that I would be too stressed on the day so declined.

Now, the other brother is getting married. He tried his best to get my other brother to apologise to me but he refused. He said many times that this wouldn't happen at his wedding but surprise surprise it is. He has asked this brother to be his best man - fair enough - wasn't expecting it but was expecting to be asked to be groomsman but I found out (not from him) that he has asked a work friend (whom he hasn't known for long) to be his groomsman. To say that I'm upset and annoyed is an understatement. I contacted him asked him to confirm that I wasn't his groomsman and which he did. I told him that I couldn't attend his wedding as he has upset me so much. I'm aware that it is his wedding and he has a right to choose who he wants but this has hit me like a steam train. He told me that I'm being childish - maybe I am. I just can't the idea of sitting on another table with my parents and two brothers at the top table with a stranger in the middle.

Am I wrong? I'm very hurt. Would you attend the wedding? I feel sorry for my parents as they spent the day making excuses for my absence during the last wedding. The excitement has gone out of it now even if I attend. I feel very like the black sheep.

Thanks in advance for any advise.

amdublin

Family occasions can bring out or cause a lot of stress

I'm sorry you're feeling upset op.

Am I right it is because you're not groomsmen?

If I were you I'd just go and enjoy the day - no responsibility or job in the day, it sounds like a bit of a win to me...

The other brother. Sorry I missed the reason why you didn't go to the wedding and what you want an apology for. I'll go back and read again

Oink

From what I read, it was simply not an option to have both you and the second brother in the wedding party, one as best man the other one as groomsman. Just not possible.
So the groom could have excluded you both, or picked one. He decided to pick the other brother. It’s up to you to decide whether you think he was justified or not, and whether it is forgivable/understandable or not.

Remember it’s supposed to be the best day of HIS life, so if it turns out not to be, try and make sure it’s not because of you. Unless you decide it’s not forgivable and worth “losing” a second brother.

LegacyUser

amdublin wrote: »

Family occasions can bring out or cause a lot of stress

I'm sorry you're feeling upset op.

Am I right it is because you're not groomsmen?

If I were you I'd just go and enjoy the day - no responsibility or job in the day, it sounds like a bit of a win to me...

The other brother. Sorry I missed the reason why you didn't go to the wedding and what you want an apology for. I'll go back and read again

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

No apology needed from other brother. I spilled the beans on something he was up to and he has held it against me since then. I didn't go to the wedding as he completely ignores me when I'm at home, says nothing and gets angry while I'm there. He threw a strop one Christmas Eve as I went into the sitting room where everyone was and gave presents to the kids. He has the knack of making me feel inferior but that could be me. If he had sent me a text/called in to see me when I was ill, I would definitely attended his wedding but he thought so little of me that it was in the back of my mind. I didn't want to feel on edge everyday and as I said, he only asked me because my parents told him they wouldn't be attending if he didn't invite me.

December2012

From what you say I think you're the problem

You don't get on with one brother and refused to go to his wedding. You basically put a nail in the coffin then.

You then made it very difficult for your other brother. THEN you got annoyed for not being picked to be a groomsman. And now you're not going to another family wedding be sure of a slight.

You appear to be very dramatic and looking for attention.

If you want to salvage any family relationships go to your brothers wedding and make nice.

Loveinapril

I agree with December, this is all on you. Your brother is entitled to choose whoever he wants to be his groomsman. You are the one who made assumptions about that, you cannot blame him for that. It really annoys me when people feel that they can dictate how someone might plan their own wedding. All this drama is on you. You should really try to fix this with your brother before it damages your relationship.

Totes

Hi op

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s awful and very hurtful to feel excluded particularly when there’s just the three of ye.

IMO I would go to the wedding as I feel you will regret it down the road otherwise, it’s just one day and the feelings you have for your estranged brother should not impact on your relationship with your nice brother.

When you look back on this in time, if you go, you can be glad you were supportive of him & his partner and this matters.

I wish you the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses so far.

This is still very raw as I only found out yesterday. It may be selfishness. I don't know. I had just assumed I would be doing it. I feel very left out. I would have been so happy to do groomsman. I have never be involved in 'big' things in my family, I suppose I feel robbed by the person who will be doing groomsman. I feel like I am the black sheep. My brothers are not like me. They don't share the same interests as I do and have no interest in mine. They have always treated with disdain. I don't ask for much in life but this is something I really wanted to do. I am quite by nature and popular among my colleagues and have very good friends from school days but when it comes to my immediate family, I feel like a stranger. I usually let things go but I have been thinking about this and have cried a lot which is something I havn't done for some time ... probably since my grandfather died a number of years ago ... that just shows how upset I am with this situation.

Totes

it sounds like being / feeling excluded within the family has been going on for a long time; would you consider counselling to help yourself cope with these situations. I have found it really helpful in the past.

Mr. Incognito

upset18 wrote: »

Thanks for the responses so far.

This is still very raw as I only found out yesterday. It may be selfishness. I don't know. I had just assumed I would be doing it. I feel very left out. I would have been so happy to do groomsman. I have never be involved in 'big' things in my family, I suppose I feel robbed by the person who will be doing groomsman. I feel like I am the black sheep. My brothers are not like me. They don't share the same interests as I do and have no interest in mine. They have always treated with disdain. I don't ask for much in life but this is something I really wanted to do. I am quite by nature and popular among my colleagues and have very good friends from school days but when it comes to my immediate family, I feel like a stranger. I usually let things go but I have been thinking about this and have cried a lot which is something I havn't done for some time ... probably since my grandfather died a number of years ago ... that just shows how upset I am with this situation.

This smacks of poor me. Rolling out the dead grandfather pity me story.

Cop on. Grow up.

You bailed on your brothers wedding. Id not trust you after that to be a groomsman either.

Apologise to your brother. Go enjoy HIS day. Not yours.

orthsquel

I think it's an opportunity you have here OP, to make amends with your brother you fell out with and start building better relationships with both your brothers.

Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person to apologise, even if you feel it is not your position to do so. Your other brother is in a difficult position because the two of you don't get on and refuse to apologise from either side, it seems.

If you feel slighted that you were ill and your brother you fell out with didn't call to see you... he may have cared but may not have been wanted there. There's nothing to stop you now from calling him up and making amends, or just apologising and leaving the future open to a civil brother relationship and building from that.

In your other brother's shoes, what choice does he have? Exclude the brother he probably sees the most and engages with to avoid upsetting you? Exclude both of you and have randomers be his best man and groomsman?

You've a chance to mend fences, if you choose not to, and choose to be upset with your brother, I don't see how anyone else involved would see it as anything but your loss and own fault, especially if you find yourself unhappy with how it turns out.

On the other side of things OP, you sound like you are hurting and you feel like a black sheep. Alienating yourself further is not going to help you much. It sounds like you have bottled up a lot about your feelings about your brothers.... have you ever tried to talk to them about feeling left out and a black sheep, about the lack of interests in your interests?

SimpleDimples

Easy for me to say but I think you should reconsider. It's clear you do want a relationship with the brother getting married & you put this at risk by not going to his wedding.

He has done nothing wrong here & his choice of bestman is probably due to the fact he is more like your other brother than you.

I have 2 sisters & while I get on with them both, if I were getting married only one would probably be in the wedding party - one reason being she's more like me so we would be less likely to clash over silly things, we think alike etc. At the same time, I would be devastated if my other sister wouldn't attend.

Go to the wedding & salvage the relationships. Also, I'm sure your parents would appreciate it too

GingerLily

Your brother doesn't feel he can rely on you, as you will make his wedding about you and not him, and you've proved him right.

Family are the most stressful part of a wedding and it's not fair to expect to be your brothers groomsman if you are too selfish to even think of his happiness over yours.

You are isolating yourself and making yourself the black sheep, it's a self fulfilling thing at this stage, unless you break the cycle of your bad behaviour.

Blaizes

upset18 wrote: »

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

No apology needed from other brother. I spilled the beans on something he was up to and he has held it against me since then. I didn't go to the wedding as he completely ignores me when I'm at home, says nothing and gets angry while I'm there. He threw a strop one Christmas Eve as I went into the sitting room where everyone was and gave presents to the kids. He has the knack of making me feel inferior but that could be me. If he had sent me a text/called in to see me when I was ill, I would definitely attended his wedding but he thought so little of me that it was in the back of my mind. I didn't want to feel on edge everyday and as I said, he only asked me because my parents told him they wouldn't be attending if he didn't invite me.

Op can I ask where do you come in the family? Are you a middle child?

LegacyUser

Totes wrote: »

it sounds like being / feeling excluded within the family has been going on for a long time; would you consider counselling to help yourself cope with these situations. I have found it really helpful in the past.

Yes it has been. I have always felt left out in my immediate family so I live for work where I feel I am valued. At the moment, I feel like I have been put outside the door and it has been padlocked behind me and no matter how hard I knock nobody is listening. Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin. Again, this is very fresh so is very raw. Maybe this happens in other families, I don't know but any weddings I have attended have always had brothers/sisters in the bridal party (unless there was a very big family but ours is small). I don't know what to do, I might contact counselling and see if that helps. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

Blaizes wrote: »

Op can I ask where do you come in the family? Are you a middle child?

Eldest

December2012

You don't get to decide if you're in somebody's wedding party. Your recent post talks about how they don't connect with you

Look at your lack of efforts to connect with them!
You're going to have to realise your place in all of this and deal with your contributions to the failure of relationship

bee06

upset18 wrote: »

Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin.

That’s your choice. It’s not something that is out of your control. You are choosing to throw your toys out of the pram and refusing to go to the wedding the same as you did with your other brothers wedding. You could have used that as an opportunity to mend fences but you choose not to.

Cash_Q

upset18 wrote:

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

It was a mistake to set your heart on taking on a role that isn't open to volunteers. It is entirely your brother's decision who he asks to be groomsmen. It is unfortunate that you made a presumption and are now upset that things aren't going your way. It would be different if this brother had always suggested that you would be a groomsman and then pulled the rug from under you by asking someone else, but you never should have presumed that the role was yours.

It's a family occasion, but only to a point- it is your brother and his partners occasion, some people dont involve any family. That's their choice.

Imagine you were getting married soon, should you have both brothers as groomsman just because they're your brothers?

You said your brother hasn't known the guy he has chosen as groomsman for long - that's irrelevant, he could ask a stranger on the street if he wanted. Maybe this friend has done a lot for him, who knows, but ultimately it's his decision.

You should go to the wedding if you ever want to maintain any sort of relationship with him.

Jane1012

.

SteM

upset18 wrote: »

... he only asked me because my parents told him they wouldn't be attending if he didn't invite me.

So your parents risked falling out with one of their sons to get you an invitation to your other brothers wedding but you refused to go? Sorry OP but you had the chance back then to show that you were the better man but couldn't and now your card is marked.

davo10

upset18 wrote: »

Eldest

I honestly thought you were 18 years old.

Teyla Emmagan

upset18 wrote:

Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin.

So you are going to cut off another brother and totally isolate yourself from your family? Remember that if you do this it is totally on you. Your decision. Your fault when you are excluded from all family events in the future and end up the weird uncle that nobody knows. You who is to blame when you are all alone.

Or you could be the bigger man and swallow your pride and hurt and go along to this wedding and support your brother. Stop thinking about how it reflects on you. I have been to loads of weddings where the family are not in the wedding party. It is totally normal.

You need a good kick in the ass OP.

FurBabyMomma

1. You "spilled the beans" on something your brother did and blame him for holding it against you. Why did you do this to your brother and what did you gain from it? Whatever it was, whether it was right or wrong, it's only natural your brother is upset with you.

2. Your brother extends the olive branch and invites you to his wedding. Because you're upset with him for not contacting you when sick (bearing in mind he's already upset with you for dobbing him in), you take this golden opportunity to build bridges and throw it back in his face by refusing to attend. Do you have any concept of how upsetting and embarrassing this must have been for your family?

3. Your other brother is getting married, and considering the drama and upset you created with the other wedding, you are lucky to be invited at all. You haven't been left out in the cold, you've simply not been given a role that wasn't automatically yours in the first place. And true to form you're going to marr this day too by not attending.

OP, like every other poster has said so far, the issue mainly lies with you. The only behaviour and choices you can control here are yours, so how about you go and be happy for your brother and try to repair family relationships from there, if that's what you want? Not going is just going to make things worse.

ash23

OP I have been to many weddings where only one of a number of siblings was in the wedding party. My own three sisters included.

You're over reacting and at risk of cutting yourself off from your family.
Get over yourself, apologise to your brother for the over reaction and go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. You come across as being very self centered. It's your brother's wedding and you're causing drama. Stop and help him enjoy his big day

kerryjack

From one black sheep to another just go to the church and get the dinner out of them and feck off then you won't be missed

hobie21

December2012 wrote: »

From what you say I think you're the problem

You don't get on with one brother and refused to go to his wedding. You basically put a nail in the coffin then.

You then made it very difficult for your other brother. THEN you got annoyed for not being picked to be a groomsman. And now you're not going to another family wedding be sure of a slight.

You appear to be very dramatic and looking for attention.

If you want to salvage any family relationships go to your brothers wedding and make nice.

I agree. You sound like a drama queen. Annoying everyone including your folks because you don't get what you want.

KERSPLAT!

I can't believe you're the eldest.

Go to the wedding and be happy for your brother. Having him as best man and you as groomsman would have ruined the day in my opinion, ye don't even talk.

catrionanic

It’s your brothers wedding and you are making it all about you.

You sound childish, difficult and selfish.

GingerLily

KERSPLAT! wrote: »

I can't believe you're the eldest.

Go to the wedding and be happy for your brother. Having him as best man and you as groomsman would have ruined the day in my opinion, ye don't even talk.

I think the poster expected him to be the middle child - because that explains bad behaviour apparently!

The OP would throw a tantrum eventually, his brother is right to only have people he can trust to behave and support him as his groomsmen.

LegacyUser

OP Answer honestly: If you were the one getting married would you have asked both your brothers to be in the wedding party? Given you don't get on with one and didn't go to his wedding i'm guessing no as you knew it would ruin your day. Your brother has made the same choice, he knew he couldn't have both brothers as it sounds like neither of you would be mature enough to understand the day wasn't about you so to avoid drama he asked the brother he appears to be closer to to be his best man and left you out. Sucks but honestly you made your own bed refusing to attend the other brothers wedding. I understand your hurt but throwing a strop and refusing to go at all if you are not a groomsman is really selfish and childish OP.

witchgirl26

upset18 wrote: »

I had my mind set on it. I have never done it and would have been over the moon to do it. There are only three of us. Maybe that is selfish but as you say it is a family occasion and I feel to be outside that circle.

OP just because you had your mind set on it does not mean it was a done deal. It was your brothers choice as to who to have and he chose. Yes you can be a bit upset about that - that would be natural, but you can't throw your toys out of the pram and say you're not going to the whole wedding because of it.

upset18 wrote: »

This is still very raw as I only found out yesterday. It may be selfishness. I don't know. I had just assumed I would be doing it. I feel very left out. I would have been so happy to do groomsman. I have never be involved in 'big' things in my family, I suppose I feel robbed by the person who will be doing groomsman. I feel like I am the black sheep. My brothers are not like me. They don't share the same interests as I do and have no interest in mine. They have always treated with disdain. I don't ask for much in life but this is something I really wanted to do. I am quite by nature and popular among my colleagues and have very good friends from school days but when it comes to my immediate family, I feel like a stranger. I usually let things go but I have been thinking about this and have cried a lot which is something I havn't done for some time ... probably since my grandfather died a number of years ago ... that just shows how upset I am with this situation.

Ok you assumed but that was wrong, like I said above. What other "big" things have you been left out of? You left yourself out of your other brothers wedding. Maybe your family are just trying to avoid drama. It seems to be that your brothers get on better or have more in common with each other than they do with you. That can happen and doesn't mean they feel disdain towards what you like. It just means they're different.

If you normally let things go, then why did the whole thing with your other brother result in you not attending his wedding at all? That doesn't tie in.

upset18 wrote: »

Yes it has been. I have always felt left out in my immediate family so I live for work where I feel I am valued. At the moment, I feel like I have been put outside the door and it has been padlocked behind me and no matter how hard I knock nobody is listening. Whatever relationship I had with my brother died last night I feel as this definitely feels like the final nail in my family coffin. Again, this is very fresh so is very raw. Maybe this happens in other families, I don't know but any weddings I have attended have always had brothers/sisters in the bridal party (unless there was a very big family but ours is small). I don't know what to do, I might contact counselling and see if that helps. Thanks again.

OP how have you been put outside the door and it padlocked. You weren't asked to be groomsman but it's not like you were not invited to either wedding. You chose not to go to the other brothers one, so you shut the door. If you do the same here, then it's you who's locking it. Not them.

I wouldn't expect brothers or sisters to be in the bridal party. Yes it happens but not always. It depends on the relationships themselves. Friends of mine have not had their siblings in the wedding party for the simple fact that they knew they could rely on their friends more for the jobs that needed doing. The siblings were still involved in the ceremony (readings etc).

upset18 wrote: »

Am I wrong? I'm very hurt. Would you attend the wedding? I feel sorry for my parents as they spent the day making excuses for my absence during the last wedding. The excitement has gone out of it now even if I attend. I feel very like the black sheep.

To answer the original question. Yes you are wrong. It's ok to be hurt that you weren't asked. It would have been nice. But ultimately it's your brothers decision. Yes I would attend the wedding - why on earth would you not? He's your brother and you claim you get on so put on a suit and be happy for him. The excitement for the day should be his not yours. He should not be worrying about his brother not turning up because he made a decision you don't like.

Blaizes

upset18 wrote: »

Eldest

Look family dynamics can be difficult, perfect family just don't exist or are very rare.

You said your parents spent the day explaining your non attendance at the last wedding and this upsets you.Don't put put them through that again. Forget about what is or isn't going on with your brothers.Do this for your parents. Go for their sake. You only have two parents in this world, do it for them and don't have them being torn asunder with questions as to your absence again. I bet they will be delighted if you tell them you're going and thrilled on the day to see you.

Try to get seated at a table with people you know and can chat to during the meal as this will make you a little more at ease.

It's one day and you can always bail out after the meal if you've had enough or if it's going well stay on.



Swallow your pride, and go.

valoren

Hi OP,
You refer to yourself 21 times in your initial post.

When it comes to others weddings it becomes a case of when they say jump, you say 'how high'.
Point is that it's not about you. Whoever he wanted to ask then that's his own business and wish.
I wouldn't take it to heart, it doesn't read like your particularly close as is.
Just because you would have asked him doesn't mean he should ask you.
It probably wasn't an easy decision to make that choice.
Remember he and his wife to be will be spending a significant amount of money, time, stress and effort into planning this.
He might think that he will ask you, that something might happen in the build up, then he'll be out a groomsman after all.

If your brother decided he doesn't want you as groomsman then you just have to accept it.
If you don't go then it won't reflect well on you and you'll have dug a deeper hole for yourself.

Just go to the wedding, enjoy it as best you can and leave it at that.
What trouble did your other brother cause that caused the falling out anyway?

zoobizoo

Someone said to me years ago: "It's not about you"

And it clicked with me that the way I thought about things was totally through my own prism. And you are looking at this situation from your own point of view, not theirs. It's his day - not yours.


When I am left out of things, I feel a bit hurt but then I ask myself "was I that close to this person to expect an invite" and the simple fact is that if I was close, I would get one. I'd ask myself "How much effort have I made to keep this friendship / relationship going?" and more often than not, the reality is that it was not a lot.

I didn't ask my brothers to be my best man because I have a friend who I wanted to do it. I didn't expect to be my brother's best man or groomsman but when I was asked I was pleasantly surprised.


It doesn't sound like you're close.

It doesn't sound like you guys even get on.... . or like each other.

You're assuming that familial connections over rides your brother's wants.


You use very emotive and exaggerated language "put outside the door and it has been padlocked" "nobody is listening". Whatever relationship I had with my brother died" " final nail in my family coffin".... and while there seems like a lot of history there, the only thing that has happened is that you weren't asked to be a best man or a groomsman of someone who doesn't want you to be either.

LegacyUser

Again thanks for your responses.

After reading some of the posts, I have decided that I was wrong and have also decided that I will attend the wedding. I did say in my OP that I was very disappointed in not being chosen but I think it was the fact that I had not been told and only overheard it had hurt me more. At the time I opened the OP, I was feeling sorry for myself and probably in shock and only thinking of myself. I did say that it is my brother's wedding and he has all the decisions to make not me. I would like to think that he would realise that he should have told me sooner. I feel happier again at having made this decision. Thanks again. Some of the posts were the boot I needed

This Personal Issues is a great part of boards which I had not known existed until Sunday.

Blaizes

upset18 wrote: »

Again thanks for your responses.

After reading some of the posts, I have decided that I was wrong and have also decided that I will attend the wedding. I did say in my OP that I was very disappointed in not being chosen but I think it was the fact that I had not been told and only overheard it had hurt me more. At the time I opened the OP, I was feeling sorry for myself and probably in shock and only thinking of myself. I did say that it is my brother's wedding and he has all the decisions to make not me. I would like to think that he would realise that he should have told me sooner. I feel happier again at having made this decision. Thanks again. Some of the posts were the boot I needed

This Personal Issues is a great part of boards which I had not known existed until Sunday.

You sound much calmer and more together now glad for you and that you have decided to go.

august12

upset18 wrote:

This Personal Issues is a great part of boards which I had not known existed until Sunday.

Good decision on your part, go to wedding and put a brave face on, especially for your parents as you don't seem to have any issues with them and it would be a shame to ruin their day, after all, ye are all their family, all three of ye, and it would be so unfair to expect them to have to explain your absence, again. Enjoy the day.

bee06

Well done OP on admitting you were wrong. I agree that your brother should have told you himself rather than letting you find out from a third party but what’s done is done and you have the opportunity to be the bigger person and rise above it.

Dixie Chick

You were emotional and now you have calmed. Fair play to you. i hope it is a lovely day for your family.

Vegeta

upset18 wrote: »

have also decided that I will attend the wedding

fair play OP, I hope the day goes well for you all and things between you and your brothers improves with time.

GingerLily

Sometimes this forum can be a bit tough love, and fair play to you OP for listening up.

If you let yourself, you could really enjoy thee day, and if your worried about being on your own at a table I think ask your brother for a plus one and invite a friend (although maybe wait a little while!)

retro:electro

You’re not entitled to be anyone’s groomsman. You’re making this all about yourself and how you’ve been slighted, but when an olive branch was reached out to you, you turned your nose up. You’ve made your bed.

Edit: read your update. Good to see you’ve had an ephipany.

FurBabyMomma

Good for you, OP! It seems you can see things more rationally now you're not in the heat of the moment, and fair play for taking on board the tough love of your fellow Boardsies in the spirit it was meant. Hope you have a good time at the wedding and it's a catalyst for things getting better between you and your family.

Teyla Emmagan

Good man OP hope you have a great day!! It is difficult to recognise when you are in the wrong so fair play to you for admitting it. Hope this will be the start of great things for you and your brothers. It can be easier to retreat into bitterness then it is to open yourself to being hurt. But there is nothing whatsoever to gain in the former :-)

dog tired

I can't believe half the responses here. Nobody makes themselves the black sheep of the family. All because the OP wanted some respect and an apology for something that was done to them. But just because of a wedding he's being told to suck it up. What about the brother who's starting a brand new chapter in his life, do you think he'll get over his bitterness and start afresh?

wiggle16

dog tired wrote: »

I can't believe half the responses here. Nobody makes themselves the black sheep of the family. All because the OP wanted some respect and an apology for something that was done to them. But just because of a wedding he's being told to suck it up. What about the brother who's starting a brand new chapter in his life, do you think he'll get over his bitterness and start afresh?

Yeah, what about the other brother? Who cares?

OP is posting here, not his brother. He's after taking the opportunity to hold the olive branch in spite of his reservations, and fair play to him for it. It says a lot more about a person that they are willing to change their mind and admit to it. Anyone can hold a grudge.

Fair play OP. Enjoy the wedding

AllForIt

Hi OP

You seem to me to have a legitimate grievance.

There seems to be a 'status' structure in your family where you are at the bottom. This is in no way unusual as the number of offspring in a family gets bigger.

Your personality seems to be at odds with the general personality of your family as a whole. This is not a particularity joyous position to be in and I would say unless one has never been in such a position it's hard to understand what that feels like which would account for I think a lack of empathy of your grievance in this thread.

I totally understand why your so upset that you don't feel like going to bro2 wedding. It's the culmination of all that has gone on. It really isn't about what role you felt you experted in the ceremony but you felt that ppl in your family are taking sides.

Whatever about who is right and who is wrong the fact that your the outlier in the family means you are always going to be in wrong. It's called favouritism. What I suggest is that you simply accept this fact and just not worry too much about it. It is absolutely a 'thing' which I think is a scathing remark on families but there it is. It's real, it happens.

The one thing I would agree with from previous responses is that you don't have a legitimate reason to boycott bro2's wedding. The reasons you gave in itself were not that serious and I think you should go - and I think you really want to go and if you don't go you'll regret it.

I have a great deal of sympathy for your situation and no one can say here whether the OP was right to snitch on his brother or not. You have no idea what he snitched on. If family loyalties are so important then why does the OP feel so left out?

LegacyUser

AllForIt wrote: »

Hi OP

You seem to me to have a legitimate grievance.

There seems to be a 'status' structure in your family where you are at the bottom. This is in no way unusual as the number of offspring in a family gets bigger.

Your personality seems to be at odds with the general personality of your family as a whole. This is not a particularity joyous position to be in and I would say unless one has never been in such a position it's hard to understand what that feels like which would account for I think a lack of empathy of your grievance in this thread.

I totally understand why your so upset that you don't feel like going to bro2 wedding. It's the culmination of all that has gone on. It really isn't about what role you felt you experted in the ceremony but you felt that ppl in your family are taking sides.

Whatever about who is right and who is wrong the fact that your the outlier in the family means you are always going to be in wrong. It's called favouritism. What I suggest is that you simply accept this fact and just not worry too much about it. It is absolutely a 'thing' which I think is a scathing remark on families but there it is. It's real, it happens.

The one thing I would agree with from previous responses is that you don't have a legitimate reason to boycott bro2's wedding. The reasons you gave in itself were not that serious and I think you should go - and I think you really want to go and if you don't go you'll regret it.

I have a great deal of sympathy for your situation and no one can say here whether the OP was right to snitch on his brother or not. You have no idea what he snitched on. If family loyalties are so important then why does the OP feel so left out?

Hey AllForIt, you have summed up my situation completely. Not that it matters, but I was the only one to go to university as my brothers hated school and don't believe in reading/education etc. which is very important to me. I would prefer to read a good book than spend an evening in a pub. As a result of this, I often feel like a single entity in my family. It didn't bother me much but feeling left out of the wedding party did as I took it that brother didn't have anytime/interest in me or considered my feelings .... I know it's his wedding - I have let it go - I'll survive - I always do. He might find himself in a position like this sometime.

With relation to spilling the beans on my brother ... it was illegal. When I did find out about it, it was clear that my parents had hidden it from me so it wasn't a shock for them but brother was very embarrassed which he should have been. I told him how disappointed I was in him but forgave him. He then went on to do something else which I blew the whistle about and he has held it against me even though I didn't do anything wrong. This brother is very selfish and pig headed. He is always right and anyone that disagrees so be it - he holds it against them. I wasn't the only one that didn't attend his wedding and some only attended out of sympathy to my parents. I spoke at length to my parents and explained how stressed I would be for the day and they told me that it was totally my call and would understand why I wouldn't attend. The weekend of the wedding was very difficult to get through but like everything else - I survived.

zoobizoo

It doesn't sound like you're the black sheep - it sounds like you have little in common with them.


If you weren't related to them, would you want to hang on with them / attend their weddings etc?


It doesn't sound like you would.

JustAThought

Families can be very complex and being bound by family ties when there are differences of personalities and ongoing issues can be very hard. I was very glad to see that you took the general consensus advice to go and build bridges and put your hurt at not being groomsman to one side. Sometimes you just have to put on your happy game face and nod and smile to all, avoid any kind of conversation or disclosure that will lead to 'the truth' , and just make happy small talk to everyone and let the day smoothly pass with with no personal comment.

It is supposed to be the happiest day of his and his partners life and it will be so important that you just make sure everything is focused on them and their happiness and their big day - all love and laughter. Keep it absolutely low key and happily superficial and avoid more than one drink if this is likely to awaken emotions in you. Once the day goes happily and you shake the hand of the groomsman when you get there and wish him best of luck with the day everyone can relax and stop thinking about you and worrying about you and enjoy the marriage and their expensive celebration. Say hi.you look well to your other brother &make some nice comment about his suit and move on and out of any danger trigger zone. You will find that once this goes happily and well other family events and celebrations like Christenings or whatever might be easier and you are more likely to be automatically included.

We all have people we cant bear too much or dont want be be around who we ease from invitations and it close families always their behaviour anf the problwms they cause innthw group dynamic that eventually allows us to exclude them. Dont let your family slip away because of past hurts and bitterness.

I was excluded from someone really closes big day and I was devestated - I could not believe that I of all people was left out and also not given a role I had always assumed I would have had. I am still hurt by it if truth be known ,and it was years ago. I sent a card and gift and said nothing and tried to pretend it didn't hurt but it still sticks like a dagger in my heart.There is nothing I can do about it . Our friendship and bond has recovered and I was told part of this was the way I had reacted - quietly and nicely with no recrimination or hurt and with a good goodwill gesture and well wishes. I had been percieved as too potentially problematic in the group dynamic and there were too many complicated relationship dynamics for the potential problem to be brought into their haooy day. I learned to just nod and smile and talk about the weather/sport/ so and sos son/ baby/ and was seen to be new and improved and brought back into the circle. Sometimes the truth or a problem is not what people want to hear - they just want to have a nice day and a few drinks and relax and have no anger or historical issues. Life is hard enough.

Best of luck at the wedding. Look well, buy a generous gift and keep it absolutely easy/non confrontationslal and positive. You will be the better man for it and it will be appreciated in years to come fslar more than a usher in a Church and a semi sober speech at a dinner table that people bet on how long will last. Send a nice thank you card to him and her BEFORE you go saying you are looking forward to enjoying their wedding and celebrating their love and big day. No double meanings, no barb, no past histories, nothing about yourself. Then they can relax too and you can all look into a more positive future together.

You may never solve what went on in the past or be on exactly yhe same wavelength as all.your family, but dont push hem away because they are not like you or what you want them to be. We are all different ,with different and complex issues and behaviours and emotions. Sometimes we all just need a common space to relax and breathe in and no issues or serious conversations. We will all be dead long enough. A few days or so a year shoukd be ok to pretend . Let this be one of them.