New guy gone distant - Friends ill health?

pinkyx · 11-05-2018 10:39AM #1

I have been seeing this guy for about 2 and half months, spent quite a lot of time with him, most weekends and during the week when we can. I like him and he has seemed pretty keen on me too, lots of plans for the summer etc.
From the beginning he mentioned that his best friend is very ill, she has a life threatening illness and hasn't responded to the treatment all that well so far. I have been very sympathetic about this, because it IS terrible, she is only in her 30s, the same as both of us. This lady has been a close friend of his since childhood and they get along very well. She is married and her and her husband run a small business. I have no idea if there is any history between her and the guy I am seeing other than friendship, I haven't asked but to be honest it doesn't really matter.
All was well up until last week. We had plans for the weekend, in fact I was due to go out with him and his friend and her husband for the first time and meet them after hearing a lot about them and her saying she would love to meet me when he had spoken about me to her.
Unfortunately she fell very ill last week and had to be taken to hospital, she needs surgery and isn't in very good shape at all. She is staying in a hospital quite far away from where we all live, about 1.5- 2hr drive away. Her husband runs a business which he needs to keep going in order for them to remain financially stable. Apart from him her only other relative is her dad who has been there a lot. Since then, very commendably, the guy I am seeing has taken it upon himself to spend as much time with her at the hospital as possible as they don't want her to be alone and her husband can't be there constantly due to their business. The guy I am seeing has been over there 5 nights last week and the only reason he didn't do more then that was because of work. He has been there more than anyone else and I think that's lovely of him.
However, since all of this kicked off, he has been very distant with me. I know he has a lot on his mind, I know he has to look after his friend in her hour of need, I would in no way try and stand in the way of that. BUT, I didn't see his at all over the weekend, mostly because he was running around visiting her and getting things sorted for her. I feel he could have dropping in for half an hour at some point. He kept saying he would but then it didn't come off. He has gone from texting me a good bit to barely texting me at all, when i message his I might not get a reply for hours. He did come and see me the other night in the evening and he was fine with me, we had a good time. But now he seems to have gone straight back to being very complacent. He hasn't even been online to read my message and I find it very hard to believe that he hasn't used his phone at all in order to see I have sent it!
I don't want to come across as unsympathetic to what he is going through, I know it's horrible and hard work. But on any normal basis I would be thinking that he has lost interest in me. The 'good morning' texts have disappeared, the 'How was your day' texts have disappeared. I don't want to seem like a bitch but I feel that there is only so many allowances I can make before I decide I ave to ake the it and accept that he is just on tat interested.

What do you guys think? Should I give it a bit longer under the circumstances? or am I flogging a dead horse? when he does text he seems fine and is apologetic etc about the fact that we haven't been able to meet but I just don't know, something seems off here to me.

chrissb8 · 11-05-2018 11:08AM

To be honest you answered your own question. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be the exact same I'd hope. Where would his head have been if he was to come visit you do you think? Would he be present with you or would he be thinking of his sickly friend? Maybe he knows he's not good company at the moment and needs to be alone at times to process what's happening. He probably isn't even in contact with many people at the minute.

You're right to feel that you've been left to the side. Maybe put it to him that if he ever needs someone to talk to you're there and that be cajole him to remember that you're not just there for a good time but there for him in another sense. He might just equate having to message you as putting on his best face or having to be someone he can't be right now. That is probably the off part you're feeling with him. He's also apologetic about not meeting which is a sign of a good person in my book. It's upto you if you want to go through this with him but totally understandable if not. It just seems to me all his interest is in his friend is all as opposed to not being interested in you.

mojesius · 11-05-2018 11:22AM

He sounds like a good person. You're only together a few months, and the start of a relationship is usually the fireworks and fun phase. As the last poster said, his head isn't in that place right now.

He sounds worried sick about his friend, maybe he's simply trying to spend as much time with her in case she's not around much longer - wouldn't you do the same for a close friend in their time of need?

I can imagine it's really tough, you seem to both like each other and are used to spending a lot of time together so it's natural to miss him and the rapport you had before this happened. I'd suggest taking a step back, give him the space he needs to deal with this and try to keep yourself busy in the meantime. Let him know you're there but give him this time.

woodchuck · 11-05-2018 11:22AM

Give the guy a break. To be blunt, you're still in the very early stages of a relationship. So of course his lifelong friend hospitalised with a life-threatening illness is going to take priority over you atm!

Your concerns are all based on the past week right? But you said yourself he did come to see you the other evening and is replying to messages (albeit slowly). So it sounds like he is making an effort, but you can't expect the same level of contact atm given everything that's going on.

Artic Simian · 11-05-2018 11:33AM

I disagree with the other posters. I think regardless of circumstances, when you're mad into somebody you can't help but contact them because they're always on your mind. My friend was really sick last year and I spent a lot of time in hospital with him but it didn't stop me messaging a guy I was crazy about.

I also think if you instinctively feel that something is not right, you're probably right. He could even send a message saying my head is a bit all over the shop but let's go for dinner soon, something along those lines. The forecast doesn't look good in my opinion but maybe I'm cynical.

Xterminator · 11-05-2018 12:01PM

Artic Simian wrote: »

but maybe I'm cynical.

you know what they say, just because you are paronoid, it doesnt mean they are not out to get you.

OP your partner could be all over the place mentally, and last thing they may need is you causing a drama. Or they could be re-assessing their priorities, or they could be losing interest and not sure how to say it.

I recommend you put your best side forward. assume the best be patient and understanding. Offer to drop over and cook dinner some evening next week, in his and see how that goes down.

Ursus Horribilis · 11-05-2018 02:02PM

People have different ways of handling tough times in their lives. Maybe this guy is one of those people who withdraws and tosses everything around in his own head, rather than reaching out? I think you should wait and see how things pan out for a while.

pinkyx · 11-05-2018 02:38PM

Thanks for the replies. I think the best course of action might be to see how it pans out for the next while. I will stay in touch with him, because he is messaging back but its taking him ages. There was some talk between us of meeting on Sunday so I will see if that happens. I just miss the way he used to text me a few times a day and see how I was and normally with a guy I would see this drop in contact as a very bad sign and probably let it peter out. I do like him though, and I realise there are mitigating circumstances in this case, its just how far they stretch. Everything was going well until last week and things really dropped off very suddenly.

I take the point about people dealing with things differently. I had a family member very ill a while ago and it made me want to reach out to people for support. But I guess not everyone deals with things like that. I know he is tired at the moment from everything he is trying to juggle not to mention the emotion strain of it. I just hope it goes back to the way it was before when things clear up a bit with his friend.

manonboard · 11-05-2018 04:25PM

I had to care for someone who was very very physically ill last year. It lasted months of recovery.
I was exhausted OP.
Finish work, then go and spend all your energy trying to be upbeat and helpful. Get home from hospital after eating terrible ham sandwhiches, put a load of washing on, or clean up, then go to sleep and start it all over again.

It destroys energy, and is very isolating because ya dont have much to give to others after that.

I wanted to share that to highlight that he literally might not be feeling the feelings or the desires, simply because he is likely physically drained, and mentally drained, and emotionally drained.

In the end, it's only been a week or two since with less contact from him? and he missed a single weekend only. Nothing to imply its about you, but that doesnt mean the consequences wont affect you. I would not read into someone feelings about me if they are struggling, its just coping in the way that coping happens.

I think you should take it easy, keep yourself well, and treat yourself to some nice alone time. Sure if he appears back on the scene, ya never know how much you might crave it too

bottlebrush · 11-05-2018 08:32PM

I'm going to be devils advocate here - op did you know this guy before you started dating or did you just meet him two months ago. Can a mutual friend vouch that he has a sick friend or are you taking his word for it.

pinkyx · 11-05-2018 10:40PM

Bottlebrush, that is an intersting perspectove and its soemthing I considered myself but i think i might have been being paranoid at the time! I do happen to loosley know someone esle that knows the woman in question and she does have the illness. As for this recent crisis, I wouldnt be able to ask that person about it as i dont see them very often and I dont know them that well. It did occur to me that be might be exagerating the amount of time he is spending there as an excuse. It does seem unusual to me that even a close friend would would need to take on quite so much of the caring responsibility. But overall I do think i believe him, it would be a horrible thing to lie about and i just dont think he is a horrible person. Quite the revearse infact.

I think it might be the case that he wants to cool for a bit to concentrate on all this. I can’t blame him, this woman is very ill and he is probably afraid (god forbid) that he will lose her soon. She is actually THAT ill. I am a bit sad about it but i suppose i juts have to hope it reignites when this crisis has passed. I know thats sometimes bot the case of you lose momentum though.

bottlebrush · 11-05-2018 11:36PM

I agree with you it does seem unusual that a friend would take on so much of the caring responsibility -it's usually family, however sparse, in laws and even neighbours. Certainly what he's doing is very admirable, but if you're gut feeling wasn't telling you something else you wouldn't have posted here. You don't know him well enough or long enough to decide whether or not he might be exaggerating but I know if it was me I would be keeping an open mind and wait and see how it plays out over the next few weeks. I know he has told you about his friend's illness from the outset but when the current crises arose last week did he tell you straight out that he wouldn't be able to contact you so much for the time being due to heavier commitment or are you slowly finding this out yourself from his communicating to you a lot less or responding to you more slowly?

pinkyx · 11-05-2018 11:54PM

He didn’t tell me outright that he would have to spend a lot less time contacting me. I have figured that out along the way due to lack of contact. Actually maybe that is what is bothering me to some extent. In fairness I don’t think they knew initially when the crisis struck how bad it was and what would need doing etc. They still don’t know how long she will be in there and what exactly they will do. But yeah, he could have sent me a message letting me know it was going to be a big ordeal and it would take up a lot of his time etc.

It did occur to me that this could be a bit of an unrequited love situation with him. I know they are very good friends and I wonder if he has always carried of a torch for her and this has intensified it. I am just guessing here. Something does seem a bit odd to me I suppose.

bottlebrush · 12-05-2018 12:17AM

pinkyx wrote: »

He didn’t tell me outright that he would have to spend a lot less time contacting me. I have figured that out along the way due to lack of contact. Actually maybe that is what is bothering me to some extent. In fairness I don’t think they knew initially when the crisis struck how bad it was and what would need doing etc. They still don’t know how long she will be in there and what exactly they will do. But yeah, he could have sent me a message letting me know it was going to be a big ordeal and it would take up a lot of his time etc.

It did occur to me that this could be a bit of an unrequited love situation with him. I know they are very good friends and I wonder if he has always carried of a torch for her and this has intensified it. I am just guessing here. Something does seem a bit odd to me I suppose.

Well as I said previously I think the best thing for the moment is let things play out for another while. It's very early stages in your relationship and it's being tested already. If this lady's illness is prolonged and if he stays committed to her care at its present level I expect you will need to decide whether or not you are prepared to accept the slower pace the relationship is now taking and that any hope you may hold for things going back to previous level is justified.

pinkyx · 12-05-2018 08:51AM

Yes I think I have just gone right down his list of priorities at the moment. He messaged me this morning to say that she is very bad no and has ‘given up’. I recognise this must have a huge emotional strains on him and I’m going to just back off and offer to be there for him. I’ll stay in contact and hope he has time at some point soon to spend some time together. I have to take what he is saying at face value as I don’t know any different and his story does stack up for the most part. It’s not my place to cause more stress to him now no matter how dissapointed I am.

Rekop dog · 12-05-2018 09:43AM

You sound very needy and regardless of what's going on with his friend it's probably something you need to work on as it's an unattractive quality in someone.

You're trying to pretend to come across as supportive in your opening post but to me there's undertones of jealousy screaming through where you're questioning his past relationship with his sick friend and almost whether he cares too much for her.

Sometimes the simplest explanation is the truth. He was acting grand before his childhood friends health took a dramatic turn for the worst, he's still making the effort to see you, albeit it you're understandably not top of the priority list right now.
Find other things to occupy your time instead of waiting on his every reply, checking if he's online every second and constantly questioning his motives in your mind, it's a unhealthy and tiresome mindframe to get into.

pinkyx · 12-05-2018 10:13AM

Thanks for the reply Recop dog. You are right about trying to distract myself. I have decided to just stay in contact with him and try and be helpful if I can. I know I can’t be his top priority right now. I hope it reignited in time but I think I need to let it go for now.

I have to say you are well off the mark about the jealousy thing or that I am pretending to be supportive. My heart actually breaks for this poor woman, how could I be jealous of someone lying in a hospital bed in pain and contemplating the possible end of her life? I don’t actually care how much time he spends with her, I am glad he doing everything he can. It’s just the last of contact and whether or not that reflects on how he feels about me that concerned me. I only mentioned the previous relationship thing because I wondered if he was attached to her as more then friends and that’s why he has thrown himself so much into her care and not been so concerned with me. It was just something that went through my mind as the amount of care he has taken on is very heavy for a friend. But I honestly couldn’t care less what happened between them in the past, it’s not even my business and I have no suspicion there is anything happening between them now.

I think I have gone a bit over obsessed over this I suppose. I was hopeful for this relationship, it was going so well. It’s not easy to find someone you really like from what I have experienced. You could call me needy at the moment I suppose but I don’t think I am letting on to him. God damned Facebook messenger and it’s facility to let you know when someone had read your message or been online is a CURSE!

Big Bag of Chips · 12-05-2018 11:05AM

I think this is exceptional circumstances and if you like him and are not actively looking at other options at the moment, then there is no harm in stepping back a little and just wait and see what happens. You've only known him a few weeks. I know when my dad was sick recently people were messaging me. Lots of people. I would read the messages, but not necessarily reply to everyone. In fact the few people I did reply to would be more 'distant' people in my life. People I wouldn't usually be in regular contact with who made the effort to contact me to tell me they were thinking of us and to wish my dad a speedy recovery. That was me being polite to those specific people, who I wouldn't usually have any/much contact with!

Friends, funnily enough got less replies, or replies much later. That was because I knew they'd understand. I knew they weren't texting me with the expectation of an immediate reply. They were texting letting me know they were thinking of me, but expecting nothing in return. And they knew me not replying wasn't a slight on them in any way.

If you have enough then of course it is your right to move on. But if you believe he's a genuine guy, if you believe he is not intentionally ignoring/avoiding you then let it play out for a while longer. I know it's very early days, but relationships will go through tough times. It's weathering the tough times and coming out the other side that makes a good relationship. Again, I know it's only early days and of course you'd be perfectly entitled to walk away. But think about why you'd be walking away. Are you walking away because you don't want to continue this to see how it goes? Or are you walking away because he doesn't text you often enough?

Only you can decide. But personally, I'd give it a bit longer before throwing in the towel. What harm is waiting a bit longer going to do?

lulu1 · 12-05-2018 06:20PM

Im going to have to say that I would doubt the sick friend story. It sounds very strange that the night you were supposed to meet her she suddenly fell very ill. I mean in all honesty if the wife was that ill would the husband not want to go and visit her and spend time with her I'm sure he dosen't spend 24 hours a day in the business. I would suggest the next time you meet that you go along with him to see her.

pinkyx · 12-05-2018 10:16PM

Thanks Lulu. I have had my doubts about certain elements of the story myself. As it does seem an unusual set up for the best friend to be taking all this on. But I think I do believe him for the most part.

It’s wasnt the actual day that I was due to meet it her that she fell ill. It was a few days before, I was going to meet her that weekend. He was the one who suggested the meet in the first place, I wasn’t pushing for it or anything. So I don’t know why he would have done that if he was going to have to go to all of this extent avoiding it.

He husband is spending a lot of time there I think. But the business they run does rely on him being there a lot, including in the evenings.

I wouldn’t really feel comfortable going along to see her at the moment because she is very poorly and I think she should just have close people around her at the moment not new people.

lulu1 · 12-05-2018 10:38PM

pinkyx wrote: »

Thanks Lulu. I have had my doubts about certain elements of the story myself. As it does seem an unusual set up for the best friend to be taking all this on. But I think I do believe him for the most part.

It’s wasnt the actual day that I was due to meet it her that she fell ill. It was a few days before, I was going to meet her that weekend. He was the one who suggested the meet in the first place, I wasn’t pushing for it or anything. So I don’t know why he would have done that if he was going to have to go to all of this extent avoiding it.

He husband is spending a lot of time there I think. But the business they run does rely on him being there a lot, including in the evenings.

I wouldn’t really feel comfortable going along to see her at the moment because she is very poorly and I think she should just have close people around her at the moment not new people.

Hope Im' wrong and everything works out for you

Appledreams15 · 13-05-2018 12:11AM

My cousin broke up with her boyfriend, mainly due to him caring for his terminally ill mother.

My mother said, oh wasnt she thoughtless breaking up with him when his mother was dying.

But I thought, no. You don't have to be in a relationship with anyone. She was young and she found it too much to take on.

I would give it a while OP.

professore · 13-05-2018 12:20AM

Are you sure this woman and her husband exist? It all sounds very fishy to me. If my wife was very sick I wouldn't be very happy if a male friend was spending that much time with her - that's my job!

Is it possible he's married and this is a cover story?

pinkyx · 13-05-2018 10:30AM

Hi Professore. Yes it does seem an odd situation doesn’t it. But I think I do believe him for the most part. I know she does exist and does have the illness as I loosely know someone else that knows her. Whether or not he has exaggerated the amount of time he has to spend with her is another thing but I am prepared to take it on face value.

No I don’t think he is married. I have been around his house and it’s very much a boys place. Not really big enough for two and there is no sign of a woman having been there. We also live in quite a small town and I would probably find out if he was married.

blairbear · 13-05-2018 02:56PM

OP, I work with and around very sick people and their families. This sounds very odd. If this lady was having surgery on an emergency basis, her family would be there, no question, regardless of any business etc. If she was very unwell post-op, then it is highly unlikely that she would be able for any visitor bar her immediate family.
How long exactly is he in the hospital every day? Unless someone is actively dying then there are still visiting hours. Is she in palliative care/a hospice? They would relax visiting times. Unlikely if she just had surgery though.

He is hardly sitting beside her chatting and interacting non stop. He is probably sitting looking at his phone half the time and actively choosing not to contact you each time. It does not sound like you're that important to him.

I don't mean this in an unkind way; I broke up with someone recently who I felt I wasn't a priority for. His texts trailed off even though in person, we had a lovely time together. He could take me or leave me, I felt. So I removed myself as an option for him.

Ghekko · 13-05-2018 03:40PM

lulu1 wrote: »

Im going to have to say that I would doubt the sick friend story. It sounds very strange that the night you were supposed to meet her she suddenly fell very ill. I mean in all honesty if the wife was that ill would the husband not want to go and visit her and spend time with her I'm sure he dosen't spend 24 hours a day in the business. I would suggest the next time you meet that you go along with him to see her.

My thoughts exactly. Why on earth would her husband not be the one to be there for her if she's practically at deaths door? I'd casually suggest you go to visit her with him. She was looking forward to meeting you so if she's such an important part of his life surely he wouldn't mind you sitting with them if even for a half hour. You could give her dad and your fella a break. I do find the story a bit unbelievable. But that's the cynic in me!

bottlebrush · 13-05-2018 03:51PM

blairbear wrote: »

OP, I work with and around very sick people and their families. This sounds very odd. If this lady was having surgery on an emergency basis, her family would be there, no question, regardless of any business etc. If she was very unwell post-op, then it is highly unlikely that she would be able for any visitor bar her immediate family.
How long exactly is he in the hospital every day? Unless someone is actively dying then there are still visiting hours. Is she in palliative care/a hospice? They would relax visiting times. Unlikely if she just had surgery though.

He is hardly sitting beside her chatting and interacting non stop. He is probably sitting looking at his phone half the time and actively choosing not to contact you each time. It does not sound like you're that important to him.

I don't mean this in an unkind way; I broke up with someone recently who I felt I wasn't a priority for. His texts trailed off even though in person, we had a lovely time together. He could take me or leave me, I felt. So I removed myself as an option for him.

Agree with this. My mother was seriously ill in hospital and as well as spending time at her bedside we actually spent even more time in the waiting rooms and the hospital canteen. I had plenty of time to phone friends, other family members and reply to texts. Op as both you and this guy live in the same small town is there not a better way of finding out, discretely of course, that he is where he is saying he is. Establish the facts first. Then try and come to an informed decision rather than hanging on wondering whether or not he is telling the truth?

pinkyx · 13-05-2018 05:17PM

Blairbear, no she isn’t on the hospice. She in a normal ward, but has a private room. The surgery she has been having isn’t a huge deal on itself but her longer term illness is very serious, she isn’t in intensive care or anything but her more serious illness, which her current crisis is a symptom of, is life threatening. I don’t think there is much chance of her passing away right now but over the next year or so that IS a possibility. He has been going over there on the afternoons and staying till about 10 or 11 at night. It’s around a two hour drive each way so his is quite a strain.

Ghekko, I can’t go for half an hour or something because it’s auch a trek. I would have to go with him and come back when he did really, I don’t want to do this as I feel it’s a bit intrusive when someone isn’t well to turn up by their bedside as a stranger. I have heard from him today that she might be out on a few days anyway.

Bottlebrush I have considered that too. I mean hospital can be a terribly boring place. I don’t know what they can have to talk about for hat length of time. Surely he has time to send a quick text? It doesn’t entirely add up somehow.

I have actually heard of him today. He apologised for being a flackey with texts and said he didn’t mean too but his was not feeling the best at the moment with all of this going on. He suggested we speak on the phone this evening. I said that was a good idea and said I understand about him being stressed over his sick friend. I asked if I could do anything to help. Its all great being apologetic isn’t it but he didn’t reply to my text and hadn’t been obline to read it and that was around 3 hours ago! It’s fine apologising but I would prefer he rectified the situation since he is aware of it! I’m starting to think he is just messing around here.

blairbear · 13-05-2018 05:55PM

I find it difficult to believe that even with a private room, he is allowed be there for 8 or 9 hours.

Visiting times aren't cos the hospital staff are being mean. They genuinely need to do things with and for the patient.

I think he is exaggerating the time.

neonsofa · 13-05-2018 06:08PM

pinkyx wrote: »

I have actually heard of him today. He apologised for being a flackey with texts and said he didn’t mean too but his was not feeling the best at the moment with all of this going on. He suggested we speak on the phone this evening. I said that was a good idea and said I understand about him being stressed over his sick friend. I asked if I could do anything to help. Its all great being apologetic isn’t it but he didn’t reply to my text and hadn’t been obline to read it and that was around 3 hours ago! It’s fine apologising but I would prefer he rectified the situation since he is aware of it! I’m starting to think he is just messing around here.

Did he just spontaneously apologise or did u mention it to him?

pinkyx · 13-05-2018 06:20PM

He spontaneously apologised. I haven’t mentioned anything at all. In fact I had decided to take a step back and just reply to messages if he sent them to me and be sympathetic about the situation. I deliberately hadn’t mentioned meeting up or anything. I was leaving it with him and giving him some space. I was pleased he apologised but like I said, straight back to how it was before!

New guy gone distant - Friends ill health?

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