New guy gone distant - Friends ill health?

neonsofa

pinkyx wrote: »

He spontaneously apologised. I haven’t mentioned anything at all. In fact I had decided to take a step back and just reply to messages if he sent them to me and be sympathetic about the situation. I deliberately hadn’t mentioned meeting up or anything. I was leaving it with him and giving him some space. I was pleased he apologised but like I said, straight back to how it was before!

True. But earlier in the thread you mentioned that what was bothering you was the fact he didn't explicitly warn you that he wouldn't be in touch as much. Now it seems he is acknowledging what is happening and also kind of giving you the heads up that you wanted. Like in fairness, if he is genuine and it's a legitimate excuse, as you seemed to previously think- you just wanted him to communicate that- then it doesnt go away just because he feels bad about it.

Having said that, I'm not sure I would fully believe him. But I'm going on face value with above comments. In terms of what you've said here and his explanations.

pinkyx

Neonsofa, yes I did say that and I do mean it. I’m glad he apologised and made an effort to explain. I’m still leaving it with him I suppose. I’m not going to chase him or put extra stress on him right now. I can kinda see this fizzling out though.

I know what you guys mean the story is a being a bit hard to believe. I feel the same to be honest, I’m not sure if I can believe it all exactly as it is. But I am
Prepared to give him a chance. It’s just a bit frustrating.

dellas1979

Am going to give you advice from a slightly different angle.

If the way things are going are not up to what you want/need (regardless of the circumstances), you need to walk away.

I just dont think its fair to put that amount of emphasis on him in a time where he cant be there (for you/a relationship) due to having another big priority.

That is your choice to say, "lookit, its not working out for me right now. Gimme a call in a few months" type of thing.

But you are expecting him to change, to what you want and expect, almost overnight, when he is in a difficult situation. I just dont think thats fair, for your gain.

If youre not happy, despite how lovely etc he is, walk away.

Edit: I just wanted to say too, there is no standard/normal reaction to when something happens to a relative/loved one. His mind could be just completely connected to this one thing. The worry. The stress. Working. Driving all the time. Heck even showering and washing clothes can difficult in times like this.

pinkyx

dellas1979, yes you certainly have a point there. I guess that’s what I am trying to figure out at the moment. I want to give him some time to deal with this as everything was fine up until a week and a half ago when his friend was hospitalised. Seems to have hit him very hard. I can understand that it is exhausting.

The question is do I believe it or is it (partly) him fobbing me off. And secondly how much time do I give him fornit to settle down before I call it a day myself. This week certainly hasn’t been good enough for me and of it were to carry on like this then I would have to (gently) end it for now. I don’t want to be taken for a fool here and strung along but o do want to give him a chance to get himself together. It’s just how long.

dellas1979

Im afraid youll have to answer that question yourself (how long to try keep it going).

If it was myself, Id give it another couple of weeks, max. I wouldnt invest anymore into it. But would leave the door open. If hes genuine, hell be back.

The thing is tho, this situation is amplyfying what you already know. That he's not what you like in relation to contact. And if in time the sick friend situation does resolve itself, is his usual way ebough.

pinkyx

In fairness Dellas1979, before all of this started, a week on Thursday, his level of contact was fine. It’s dropped dramatically since then. He is still throwing me off a text now and again and I respond but it often takes hours to get a text back if I ask him a question or anything.

I’m not happy with the level on contact now and if this continues I do have to leave it. I am also suspicious, all things considered I wonder if I am being spun a line. Some of the replies on here have opened my eyes somewhat, it is all a bit strange. I also wonder why she has been sent to a hospital so far away. Some things don’t quite ring true here for me.

neonsofa

pinkyx wrote: »

In fairness Dellas1979, before all of this started, a week on Thursday, his level of contact was fine. It’s dropped dramatically since then. He is still throwing me off a text now and again and I respond but it often takes hours to get a text back if I ask him a question or anything.

I’m not happy with the level on contact now and if this continues I do have to leave it. I am also suspicious, all things considered I wonder if I am being spun a line. Some of the replies on here have opened my eyes somewhat, it is all a bit strange. I also wonder why she has been sent to a hospital so far away. Some things don’t quite ring true here for me.

So is it just his responses that have dropped, rather than contact generally? As in, is he still sending you the odd text,he just can't engage in all day back and forths? Like there's a huge difference between he just doesn't bother sending any texts to me anymore and he doesn't respond to my follow up questions as quickly as he used to. If he has a lot going on he just may not want to engage in random chit chat.

pinkyx

No we are not talking random chit chat here. He used to send me a message in the morning nearly everyday asking how I slept etc. That’s not happened anymore, well one day he did in fairness. He didn’t really text me often during the day at work maybe one text at lunch occasionally. Then in the evening we would send back and forth a few texts about our day, maybe three or four texts each. It was more at the beggining but I was happy enough that it had settled at this level. Plus seeing each other lots at the weekend and sometimes once on the week.

Now he probabaly texts me once a day and when I respond it might take him ti the next day to text again or he might text me maybe 6 hours later. It’s like one very drawn out text conversation over the course of day. When he texts me I usually reapond within the hour.

Plus I have seen him once since last Thursday. It was fine when I saw him and he was apologetic and keen to see me again soon. I was hopeful that it was going back the way it was but it doesn’t look like it. We did talk about me seeing him today but that obviously isn’t happening, no explanation apart from the text earlier on apologising for the lack of texts and saying he wasnt feeling too good etc. Now nothing.

I don’t know, I think I’m being strung along here and fed a line. I’ll give him a chance but I’m not to hopefull.

Colser

Is the business opened 7 days a week,are there any other staff?The whole thing sounds bizarre to me...go with your gut on this OP.I think it's totally ott even if he's telling the truth.

pinkyx

Colser, yes it is a bit bizzar isn’t it. I am not sure what to make of it

The business they run is a pub, he is the chef and they own run and manage the place. I know another couple who run a pub and I do know that it’s a very time consuming business and it’s a struggle financially. They other couple I know say the need to keep the pub open come hell or high water, especially at the weekends. I presume her husband had been there for her.m and taken some time out but the guy I am seeing has taken it upon himself to be there a lot too. I don’t know, haven’t written it all out I do think there is a level of bull**** here.

Ghekko

pinkyx wrote: »

Colser, yes it is a bit bizzar isn’t it. I am not sure what to make of it

The business they run is a pub, he is the chef and they own run and manage the place. I know another couple who run a pub and I do know that it’s a very time consuming business and it’s a struggle financially. They other couple I know say the need to keep the pub open come hell or high water, especially at the weekends. I presume her husband had been there for her.m and taken some time out but the guy I am seeing has taken it upon himself to be there a lot too. I don’t know, haven’t written it all out I do think there is a level of bull**** here.

It might serve him better to help out in the friends pub and let her husband spend time with her.

pinkyx

Ha Ghekko, you are dead right. I haven’t heard him talk once about doing a shift in the pub to fill in for them. But he is racing around the country to sit by her bedside night after night. It’s funny that isn’t it!

TheBoyConor

OP to be honest I think you need to chill the beans a bit. You are coming across to me, and himself possibly as incredibly needy with all this expectation of constant texting. This think you should just take him as he is or leave him as he is. He's in a bad situation with his long term friend and probably needs a bit of space.

And slightly off topic, but as a guy who has dated on and off over the past 2 years that a lot of women seem to be intensely keen on texting. It's like they need constant texting and attention otherwise they think your not interested when really you might be but you just have to, you know, work or drive or do any of the other jobs or activities you need to do every day. I don't see what value is added to a relationship by a constant tit-for-tat texting about "how r u", "what u up 2". It tiring, a chore and not to mention distracting to have to have those constant text conversations all the time and i personally find it to be off-putting and annoying.. I prefer to talk and have banter in person. I don't have a need for constant reassurance by texting that a girl is interested in me, I'd be mortified to be constantly texting a girl if she was busy and making a nuisance of myself.

pinkyx

Hey TheBoyConnor. Thanks for your reply. I agree expecting constant texting is annoying and impractical when you have work etc. And I don’t expect constant texting and never have. It’s just the drop of on contact him. I was perfectly happy with the level of contact before, sending a handful of texts a day and seeing each other at the weekend. Most of that texting was driven my him. Its just the change combined with the slightly odd story.

I haven’t seen him over the last two weekends either. It’s more about that then texting. A dramatic change in contact in whatever form, can be sign of someone losing interest and giving you the brush off. That’s what I would think here normally but as this guy has all of this going on I am sure how much benefit of the doubt to give him.

cailin.

I think you need to take a step back from the situation, OP.
You've been dating for 8 or 10 weeks. Things generally seemed to have been going well up until the communication dried up. The fact you had been in touch a few times a day is still a lot for some people.
You don't know if the story is odd at this point and I'd be inclined to say that it's early days yet to be analysing the communication patterns and whether his story is legit or not.
It seems to me that you're a little bit suspicious of his intentions. You are just in his life, and the dating shouldn't be stressful of intense and it sounds a little intense from some of the posts.

You are absolutely within your rights to put yourself first and decide if you are willing to be patient or not. If things are good, and you have plans for summer it might be worth taking a breather and giving him space.
At the weekend, give him a text and say that you understand he has a lot going on and that when he is in a better place to date he can get in touch.

Purple Mountain

Just out of curiosity OP..
Are you getting along with your own life and hobbies in his absence?
What I mean are you sitting around waiting for dates with him or are you still planning night out with friends etc?
I'd hate to think of you putting your life on pause waiting for him or any man for that matter.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I am totally taken aback by some people here, it's like they have never (thank god) been in that situation, but feel qualified to make huge assumptions.

I don't know whether or not your guy is truthful or not, but I just want to say... The facts stack up. It might help if I shared my experience with you, as I was in a similar situation myself.

I lost my best friend. He was sick for a few years. When someone is that sick, and they have a private room.... The hospital don't mind about visiting hours. I have stayed with him for nine hours. I have stayed with him until very late at night and also overnight, and I have done the same with others before.

His wife stopped visiting him regularly for the last few months. She said it was because she had to look after the children. To be honest I think she was having a sort of breakdown. I had to be with him more. He desperately wanted her though. Her, me and his dad was the only people who visited. I worked shift, so could spend a lot of time with him.

There was never any history between us, but I can't describe the pain of leaving him every day, not sure if he would make it, and then finally... Knowing he would not make it.

It clouded my brain. Meanwhile I met a guy. I cancelled our first date with one hour notice because of my sick friend. My new guy was so patient and understanding. I don't know if you are sharing your fears with this guy, or just sort of venting here, but, it would have hurt me so much if my new guy had even hinted at anything like I was visiting too much/maybe caring too much.

I also wasn't very good at being fun... I would keep my phone away unless he was sleeping. Often, I didn’t reply to texts.

It's so so hard to watch someone you love be so sick, lose hope, maybe die. You just try to do the right thing, and to give them the most precious gift of all.... Time.
When they are gone, or even if they get better, you don't want to have one regret. You don't want to think you went on a date when your loved one was alone with their thoughts and pain hospital.

Take care of yourself OP, because if you decide to give this guy a chance, you will have to be strong to recharge him, and it's very draining supporting someone when they are in grief. x

pinkyx

Yes, Purple Mountain, I am trying to keep busy. I ave a few other things going on in my life. I cant say this isn't taking up more of my thinking time than it should but I am not totally obsessed.

Propperson

Hi OP,

I cared for a terminally ill brother for about 2 months prior to his death. I was going from work to the hospital and staying there for hours and eventually even sleeping there towards the end. Time lost all meaning and I felt as if I was in living in a bubble.

I didn’t carry on with my normal life during this period as I felt so raw and anxious with worry and I withdrew from my friends as I felt I didn’t have the words to express what was going on. My focus was completely on my brother. I lost weight and forgot to look after myself and plus that fact that as this was a new experience for me I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I wasn’t sleeping either so I was running on empty, it was horrible.

Perhaps the guy you are dating is going through a similar situation with his lifelong friend who is maybe like a family member to him. Be patient with him and he will come back around when he comes up for air, considering the extreme circumstances and his previous attentions to you he sounds like he is into you but his attention has been hijacked by his friend’s illness.

I hope it works out for you both as he sounds like a nice guy in a difficult situation.

Good luck to you.

Bruisedego

Hope things are working out for you op.