New guy gone distant - Friends ill health?

pinkyx

I have been seeing this guy for about 2 and half months, spent quite a lot of time with him, most weekends and during the week when we can. I like him and he has seemed pretty keen on me too, lots of plans for the summer etc. 
From the beginning he mentioned that his best friend is very ill, she has a life threatening illness and hasn't responded to the treatment all that well so far. I have been very sympathetic about this, because it IS terrible, she is only in her 30s, the same as both of us. This lady has been a close friend of his since childhood and they get along very well. She is married and her and her husband run a small business. I have no idea if there is any history between her and the guy I am seeing other than friendship, I haven't asked but to be honest it doesn't really matter.
All was well up until last week. We had plans for the weekend, in fact I was due to go out with him and his friend and her husband for the first time and meet them after hearing a lot about them and her saying she would love to meet me when he had spoken about me to her.
Unfortunately she fell very ill last week and had to be taken to hospital, she needs surgery and isn't in very good shape at all. She is staying in a hospital quite far away from where we all live, about 1.5- 2hr drive away. Her husband runs a business which he needs to keep going in order for them to remain financially stable. Apart from him her only other relative is her dad who has been there a lot. Since then, very commendably, the guy I am seeing has taken it upon himself to spend as much time with her at the hospital as possible as they don't want her to be alone and her husband can't be there constantly due to their business. The guy I am seeing has been over there 5 nights last week and the only reason he didn't do more then that was because of work. He has been there more than anyone else and I think that's lovely of him. 
However, since all of this kicked off, he has been very distant with me. I know he has a lot on his mind, I know he has to look after his friend in her hour of need, I would in no way try and stand in the way of that. BUT, I didn't see his at all over the weekend, mostly because he was running around visiting her and getting things sorted for her. I feel he could have dropping in for half an hour at some point. He kept saying he would but then it didn't come off. He has gone from texting me a good bit to barely texting me at all, when i message his I might not get a reply for hours. He did come and see me the other night in the evening and he was fine with me, we had a good time. But now he seems to have gone straight back to being very complacent. He hasn't even been online to read my message and I find it very hard to believe that he hasn't used his phone at all in order to see I have sent it!
I don't want to come across as unsympathetic to what he is going through, I know it's horrible and hard work. But on any normal basis I would be thinking that he has lost interest in me. The 'good  morning' texts have disappeared, the 'How was your day' texts have disappeared. I don't want to seem like a bitch but I feel that there is only so many allowances I can make before I decide I ave to ake the it and accept that he is just on tat interested. 

What do you guys think? Should I give it a bit longer under the circumstances? or am I flogging a dead horse? when he does text he seems fine and is apologetic etc about the fact that we haven't been able to meet but I just don't know, something seems off here to me.

chrissb8

To be honest you answered your own question. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be the exact same I'd hope. Where would his head have been if he was to come visit you do you think? Would he be present with you or would he be thinking of his sickly friend? Maybe he knows he's not good company at the moment and needs to be alone at times to process what's happening. He probably isn't even in contact with many people at the minute.

You're right to feel that you've been left to the side. Maybe put it to him that if he ever needs someone to talk to you're there and that be cajole him to remember that you're not just there for a good time but there for him in another sense. He might just equate having to message you as putting on his best face or having to be someone he can't be right now. That is probably the off part you're feeling with him. He's also apologetic about not meeting which is a sign of a good person in my book. It's upto you if you want to go through this with him but totally understandable if not. It just seems to me all his interest is in his friend is all as opposed to not being interested in you.

mojesius

He sounds like a good person. You're only together a few months, and the start of a relationship is usually the fireworks and fun phase. As the last poster said, his head isn't in that place right now.

He sounds worried sick about his friend, maybe he's simply trying to spend as much time with her in case she's not around much longer - wouldn't you do the same for a close friend in their time of need?

I can imagine it's really tough, you seem to both like each other and are used to spending a lot of time together so it's natural to miss him and the rapport you had before this happened. I'd suggest taking a step back, give him the space he needs to deal with this and try to keep yourself busy in the meantime. Let him know you're there but give him this time.

woodchuck

Give the guy a break. To be blunt, you're still in the very early stages of a relationship. So of course his lifelong friend hospitalised with a life-threatening illness is going to take priority over you atm!

Your concerns are all based on the past week right? But you said yourself he did come to see you the other evening and is replying to messages (albeit slowly). So it sounds like he is making an effort, but you can't expect the same level of contact atm given everything that's going on.

Artic Simian

I disagree with the other posters. I think regardless of circumstances, when you're mad into somebody you can't help but contact them because they're always on your mind. My friend was really sick last year and I spent a lot of time in hospital with him but it didn't stop me messaging a guy I was crazy about.

I also think if you instinctively feel that something is not right, you're probably right. He could even send a message saying my head is a bit all over the shop but let's go for dinner soon, something along those lines. The forecast doesn't look good in my opinion but maybe I'm cynical.

Xterminator

Artic Simian wrote: »

but maybe I'm cynical.

you know what they say, just because you are paronoid, it doesnt mean they are not out to get you.

OP your partner could be all over the place mentally, and last thing they may need is you causing a drama. Or they could be re-assessing their priorities, or they could be losing interest and not sure how to say it.

I recommend you put your best side forward. assume the best be patient and understanding. Offer to drop over and cook dinner some evening next week, in his and see how that goes down.

Ursus Horribilis

People have different ways of handling tough times in their lives. Maybe this guy is one of those people who withdraws and tosses everything around in his own head, rather than reaching out? I think you should wait and see how things pan out for a while.

pinkyx

Thanks for the replies. I think the best course of action might be to see how it pans out for the next while. I will stay in touch with him, because he is messaging back but its taking him ages. There was some talk between us of meeting on Sunday so I will see if that happens. I just miss the way he used to text me a few times a day and see how I was and normally with a guy I would see this drop in contact as a very bad sign and probably let it peter out. I do like him though, and I realise there are mitigating circumstances in this case, its just how far they stretch. Everything was going well until last week and things really dropped off very suddenly.

I take the point about people dealing with things differently. I had a family member very ill a while ago and it made me want to reach out to people for support. But I guess not everyone deals with things like that. I know he is tired at the moment from everything he is trying to juggle not to mention the emotion strain of it. I just hope it goes back to the way it was before when things clear up a bit with his friend.

manonboard

I had to care for someone who was very very physically ill last year. It lasted months of recovery.
I was exhausted OP.
Finish work, then go and spend all your energy trying to be upbeat and helpful. Get home from hospital after eating terrible ham sandwhiches, put a load of washing on, or clean up, then go to sleep and start it all over again.

It destroys energy, and is very isolating because ya dont have much to give to others after that.

I wanted to share that to highlight that he literally might not be feeling the feelings or the desires, simply because he is likely physically drained, and mentally drained, and emotionally drained.

In the end, it's only been a week or two since with less contact from him? and he missed a single weekend only. Nothing to imply its about you, but that doesnt mean the consequences wont affect you. I would not read into someone feelings about me if they are struggling, its just coping in the way that coping happens.

I think you should take it easy, keep yourself well, and treat yourself to some nice alone time. Sure if he appears back on the scene, ya never know how much you might crave it too

bottlebrush

I'm going to be devils advocate here - op did you know this guy before you started dating or did you just meet him two months ago. Can a mutual friend vouch that he has a sick friend or are you taking his word for it.

pinkyx

Bottlebrush, that is an intersting perspectove and its soemthing I considered myself but i think i might have been being paranoid at the time! I do happen to loosley know someone esle that knows the woman in question and she does have the illness. As for this recent crisis, I wouldnt be able to ask that person about it as i dont see them very often and I dont know them that well. It did occur to me that be might be exagerating the amount of time he is spending there as an excuse. It does seem unusual to me that even a close friend would would need to take on quite so much of the caring responsibility. But overall I do think i believe him, it would be a horrible thing to lie about and i just dont think he is a horrible person. Quite the revearse infact.

I think it might be the case that he wants to cool for a bit to concentrate on all this. I can’t blame him, this woman is very ill and he is probably afraid (god forbid) that he will lose her soon. She is actually THAT ill. I am a bit sad about it but i suppose i juts have to hope it reignites when this crisis has passed. I know thats sometimes bot the case of you lose momentum though.

bottlebrush

I agree with you it does seem unusual that a friend would take on so much of the caring responsibility -it's usually family, however sparse, in laws and even neighbours. Certainly what he's doing is very admirable, but if you're gut feeling wasn't telling you something else you wouldn't have posted here. You don't know him well enough or long enough to decide whether or not he might be exaggerating but I know if it was me I would be keeping an open mind and wait and see how it plays out over the next few weeks. I know he has told you about his friend's illness from the outset but when the current crises arose last week did he tell you straight out that he wouldn't be able to contact you so much for the time being due to heavier commitment or are you slowly finding this out yourself from his communicating to you a lot less or responding to you more slowly?

pinkyx

He didn’t tell me outright that he would have to spend a lot less time contacting me. I have figured that out along the way due to lack of contact. Actually maybe that is what is bothering me to some extent. In fairness I don’t think they knew initially when the crisis struck how bad it was and what would need doing etc. They still don’t know how long she will be in there and what exactly they will do. But yeah, he could have sent me a message letting me know it was going to be a big ordeal and it would take up a lot of his time etc.

It did occur to me that this could be a bit of an unrequited love situation with him. I know they are very good friends and I wonder if he has always carried of a torch for her and this has intensified it. I am just guessing here. Something does seem a bit odd to me I suppose.

bottlebrush

pinkyx wrote: »

He didn’t tell me outright that he would have to spend a lot less time contacting me. I have figured that out along the way due to lack of contact. Actually maybe that is what is bothering me to some extent. In fairness I don’t think they knew initially when the crisis struck how bad it was and what would need doing etc. They still don’t know how long she will be in there and what exactly they will do. But yeah, he could have sent me a message letting me know it was going to be a big ordeal and it would take up a lot of his time etc.

It did occur to me that this could be a bit of an unrequited love situation with him. I know they are very good friends and I wonder if he has always carried of a torch for her and this has intensified it. I am just guessing here. Something does seem a bit odd to me I suppose.

Well as I said previously I think the best thing for the moment is let things play out for another while. It's very early stages in your relationship and it's being tested already. If this lady's illness is prolonged and if he stays committed to her care at its present level I expect you will need to decide whether or not you are prepared to accept the slower pace the relationship is now taking and that any hope you may hold for things going back to previous level is justified.

pinkyx

Yes I think I have just gone right down his list of priorities at the moment. He messaged me this morning to say that she is very bad no and has ‘given up’. I recognise this must have a huge emotional strains on him and I’m going to just back off and offer to be there for him. I’ll stay in contact and hope he has time at some point soon to spend some time together. I have to take what he is saying at face value as I don’t know any different and his story does stack up for the most part. It’s not my place to cause more stress to him now no matter how dissapointed I am.

Rekop dog

You sound very needy and regardless of what's going on with his friend it's probably something you need to work on as it's an unattractive quality in someone.

You're trying to pretend to come across as supportive in your opening post but to me there's undertones of jealousy screaming through where you're questioning his past relationship with his sick friend and almost whether he cares too much for her.

Sometimes the simplest explanation is the truth. He was acting grand before his childhood friends health took a dramatic turn for the worst, he's still making the effort to see you, albeit it you're understandably not top of the priority list right now.
Find other things to occupy your time instead of waiting on his every reply, checking if he's online every second and constantly questioning his motives in your mind, it's a unhealthy and tiresome mindframe to get into.

pinkyx

Thanks for the reply Recop dog. You are right about trying to distract myself. I have decided to just stay in contact with him and try and be helpful if I can. I know I can’t be his top priority right now. I hope it reignited in time but I think I need to let it go for now.

I have to say you are well off the mark about the jealousy thing or that I am pretending to be supportive. My heart actually breaks for this poor woman, how could I be jealous of someone lying in a hospital bed in pain and contemplating the possible end of her life? I don’t actually care how much time he spends with her, I am glad he doing everything he can. It’s just the last of contact and whether or not that reflects on how he feels about me that concerned me. I only mentioned the previous relationship thing because I wondered if he was attached to her as more then friends and that’s why he has thrown himself so much into her care and not been so concerned with me. It was just something that went through my mind as the amount of care he has taken on is very heavy for a friend. But I honestly couldn’t care less what happened between them in the past, it’s not even my business and I have no suspicion there is anything happening between them now.

I think I have gone a bit over obsessed over this I suppose. I was hopeful for this relationship, it was going so well. It’s not easy to find someone you really like from what I have experienced. You could call me needy at the moment I suppose but I don’t think I am letting on to him. God damned Facebook messenger and it’s facility to let you know when someone had read your message or been online is a CURSE!

Big Bag of Chips

I think this is exceptional circumstances and if you like him and are not actively looking at other options at the moment, then there is no harm in stepping back a little and just wait and see what happens. You've only known him a few weeks. I know when my dad was sick recently people were messaging me. Lots of people. I would read the messages, but not necessarily reply to everyone. In fact the few people I did reply to would be more 'distant' people in my life. People I wouldn't usually be in regular contact with who made the effort to contact me to tell me they were thinking of us and to wish my dad a speedy recovery. That was me being polite to those specific people, who I wouldn't usually have any/much contact with!

Friends, funnily enough got less replies, or replies much later. That was because I knew they'd understand. I knew they weren't texting me with the expectation of an immediate reply. They were texting letting me know they were thinking of me, but expecting nothing in return. And they knew me not replying wasn't a slight on them in any way.

If you have enough then of course it is your right to move on. But if you believe he's a genuine guy, if you believe he is not intentionally ignoring/avoiding you then let it play out for a while longer. I know it's very early days, but relationships will go through tough times. It's weathering the tough times and coming out the other side that makes a good relationship. Again, I know it's only early days and of course you'd be perfectly entitled to walk away. But think about why you'd be walking away. Are you walking away because you don't want to continue this to see how it goes? Or are you walking away because he doesn't text you often enough?

Only you can decide. But personally, I'd give it a bit longer before throwing in the towel. What harm is waiting a bit longer going to do?

lulu1

Im going to have to say that I would doubt the sick friend story. It sounds very strange that the night you were supposed to meet her she suddenly fell very ill. I mean in all honesty if the wife was that ill would the husband not want to go and visit her and spend time with her I'm sure he dosen't spend 24 hours a day in the business. I would suggest the next time you meet that you go along with him to see her.

pinkyx

Thanks Lulu. I have had my doubts about certain elements of the story myself. As it does seem an unusual set up for the best friend to be taking all this on. But I think I do believe him for the most part.

It’s wasnt the actual day that I was due to meet it her that she fell ill. It was a few days before, I was going to meet her that weekend. He was the one who suggested the meet in the first place, I wasn’t pushing for it or anything. So I don’t know why he would have done that if he was going to have to go to all of this extent avoiding it.

He husband is spending a lot of time there I think. But the business they run does rely on him being there a lot, including in the evenings.

I wouldn’t really feel comfortable going along to see her at the moment because she is very poorly and I think she should just have close people around her at the moment not new people.

lulu1

pinkyx wrote: »

Thanks Lulu. I have had my doubts about certain elements of the story myself. As it does seem an unusual set up for the best friend to be taking all this on. But I think I do believe him for the most part.

It’s wasnt the actual day that I was due to meet it her that she fell ill. It was a few days before, I was going to meet her that weekend. He was the one who suggested the meet in the first place, I wasn’t pushing for it or anything. So I don’t know why he would have done that if he was going to have to go to all of this extent avoiding it.

He husband is spending a lot of time there I think. But the business they run does rely on him being there a lot, including in the evenings.

I wouldn’t really feel comfortable going along to see her at the moment because she is very poorly and I think she should just have close people around her at the moment not new people.

Hope Im' wrong and everything works out for you

Appledreams15

My cousin broke up with her boyfriend, mainly due to him caring for his terminally ill mother.

My mother said, oh wasnt she thoughtless breaking up with him when his mother was dying.

But I thought, no. You don't have to be in a relationship with anyone. She was young and she found it too much to take on.

I would give it a while OP.

professore

Are you sure this woman and her husband exist? It all sounds very fishy to me. If my wife was very sick I wouldn't be very happy if a male friend was spending that much time with her - that's my job!

Is it possible he's married and this is a cover story?

pinkyx

Hi Professore. Yes it does seem an odd situation doesn’t it. But I think I do believe him for the most part. I know she does exist and does have the illness as I loosely know someone else that knows her. Whether or not he has exaggerated the amount of time he has to spend with her is another thing but I am prepared to take it on face value.

No I don’t think he is married. I have been around his house and it’s very much a boys place. Not really big enough for two and there is no sign of a woman having been there. We also live in quite a small town and I would probably find out if he was married.

blairbear

OP, I work with and around very sick people and their families. This sounds very odd. If this lady was having surgery on an emergency basis, her family would be there, no question, regardless of any business etc. If she was very unwell post-op, then it is highly unlikely that she would be able for any visitor bar her immediate family.
How long exactly is he in the hospital every day? Unless someone is actively dying then there are still visiting hours. Is she in palliative care/a hospice? They would relax visiting times. Unlikely if she just had surgery though.

He is hardly sitting beside her chatting and interacting non stop. He is probably sitting looking at his phone half the time and actively choosing not to contact you each time. It does not sound like you're that important to him.

I don't mean this in an unkind way; I broke up with someone recently who I felt I wasn't a priority for. His texts trailed off even though in person, we had a lovely time together. He could take me or leave me, I felt. So I removed myself as an option for him.

Ghekko

lulu1 wrote: »

Im going to have to say that I would doubt the sick friend story. It sounds very strange that the night you were supposed to meet her she suddenly fell very ill. I mean in all honesty if the wife was that ill would the husband not want to go and visit her and spend time with her I'm sure he dosen't spend 24 hours a day in the business. I would suggest the next time you meet that you go along with him to see her.

My thoughts exactly. Why on earth would her husband not be the one to be there for her if she's practically at deaths door? I'd casually suggest you go to visit her with him. She was looking forward to meeting you so if she's such an important part of his life surely he wouldn't mind you sitting with them if even for a half hour. You could give her dad and your fella a break. I do find the story a bit unbelievable. But that's the cynic in me!

bottlebrush

blairbear wrote: »

OP, I work with and around very sick people and their families. This sounds very odd. If this lady was having surgery on an emergency basis, her family would be there, no question, regardless of any business etc. If she was very unwell post-op, then it is highly unlikely that she would be able for any visitor bar her immediate family.
How long exactly is he in the hospital every day? Unless someone is actively dying then there are still visiting hours. Is she in palliative care/a hospice? They would relax visiting times. Unlikely if she just had surgery though.

He is hardly sitting beside her chatting and interacting non stop. He is probably sitting looking at his phone half the time and actively choosing not to contact you each time. It does not sound like you're that important to him.

I don't mean this in an unkind way; I broke up with someone recently who I felt I wasn't a priority for. His texts trailed off even though in person, we had a lovely time together. He could take me or leave me, I felt. So I removed myself as an option for him.

Agree with this. My mother was seriously ill in hospital and as well as spending time at her bedside we actually spent even more time in the waiting rooms and the hospital canteen. I had plenty of time to phone friends, other family members and reply to texts. Op as both you and this guy live in the same small town is there not a better way of finding out, discretely of course, that he is where he is saying he is. Establish the facts first. Then try and come to an informed decision rather than hanging on wondering whether or not he is telling the truth?

pinkyx

Blairbear, no she isn’t on the hospice. She in a normal ward, but has a private room. The surgery she has been having isn’t a huge deal on itself but her longer term illness is very serious, she isn’t in intensive care or anything but her more serious illness, which her current crisis is a symptom of, is life threatening. I don’t think there is much chance of her passing away right now but over the next year or so that IS a possibility. He has been going over there on the afternoons and staying till about 10 or 11 at night. It’s around a two hour drive each way so his is quite a strain.

Ghekko, I can’t go for half an hour or something because it’s auch a trek. I would have to go with him and come back when he did really, I don’t want to do this as I feel it’s a bit intrusive when someone isn’t well to turn up by their bedside as a stranger. I have heard from him today that she might be out on a few days anyway.

Bottlebrush I have considered that too. I mean hospital can be a terribly boring place. I don’t know what they can have to talk about for hat length of time. Surely he has time to send a quick text? It doesn’t entirely add up somehow.

I have actually heard of him today. He apologised for being a flackey with texts and said he didn’t mean too but his was not feeling the best at the moment with all of this going on. He suggested we speak on the phone this evening. I said that was a good idea and said I understand about him being stressed over his sick friend. I asked if I could do anything to help. Its all great being apologetic isn’t it but he didn’t reply to my text and hadn’t been obline to read it and that was around 3 hours ago! It’s fine apologising but I would prefer he rectified the situation since he is aware of it! I’m starting to think he is just messing around here.

blairbear

I find it difficult to believe that even with a private room, he is allowed be there for 8 or 9 hours.

Visiting times aren't cos the hospital staff are being mean. They genuinely need to do things with and for the patient.

I think he is exaggerating the time.

neonsofa

pinkyx wrote: »

I have actually heard of him today. He apologised for being a flackey with texts and said he didn’t mean too but his was not feeling the best at the moment with all of this going on. He suggested we speak on the phone this evening. I said that was a good idea and said I understand about him being stressed over his sick friend. I asked if I could do anything to help. Its all great being apologetic isn’t it but he didn’t reply to my text and hadn’t been obline to read it and that was around 3 hours ago! It’s fine apologising but I would prefer he rectified the situation since he is aware of it! I’m starting to think he is just messing around here.

Did he just spontaneously apologise or did u mention it to him?

pinkyx

He spontaneously apologised. I haven’t mentioned anything at all. In fact I had decided to take a step back and just reply to messages if he sent them to me and be sympathetic about the situation. I deliberately hadn’t mentioned meeting up or anything. I was leaving it with him and giving him some space. I was pleased he apologised but like I said, straight back to how it was before!

neonsofa

pinkyx wrote: »

He spontaneously apologised. I haven’t mentioned anything at all. In fact I had decided to take a step back and just reply to messages if he sent them to me and be sympathetic about the situation. I deliberately hadn’t mentioned meeting up or anything. I was leaving it with him and giving him some space. I was pleased he apologised but like I said, straight back to how it was before!

True. But earlier in the thread you mentioned that what was bothering you was the fact he didn't explicitly warn you that he wouldn't be in touch as much. Now it seems he is acknowledging what is happening and also kind of giving you the heads up that you wanted. Like in fairness, if he is genuine and it's a legitimate excuse, as you seemed to previously think- you just wanted him to communicate that- then it doesnt go away just because he feels bad about it.

Having said that, I'm not sure I would fully believe him. But I'm going on face value with above comments. In terms of what you've said here and his explanations.

pinkyx

Neonsofa, yes I did say that and I do mean it. I’m glad he apologised and made an effort to explain. I’m still leaving it with him I suppose. I’m not going to chase him or put extra stress on him right now. I can kinda see this fizzling out though.

I know what you guys mean the story is a being a bit hard to believe. I feel the same to be honest, I’m not sure if I can believe it all exactly as it is. But I am
Prepared to give him a chance. It’s just a bit frustrating.

dellas1979

Am going to give you advice from a slightly different angle.

If the way things are going are not up to what you want/need (regardless of the circumstances), you need to walk away.

I just dont think its fair to put that amount of emphasis on him in a time where he cant be there (for you/a relationship) due to having another big priority.

That is your choice to say, "lookit, its not working out for me right now. Gimme a call in a few months" type of thing.

But you are expecting him to change, to what you want and expect, almost overnight, when he is in a difficult situation. I just dont think thats fair, for your gain.

If youre not happy, despite how lovely etc he is, walk away.

Edit: I just wanted to say too, there is no standard/normal reaction to when something happens to a relative/loved one. His mind could be just completely connected to this one thing. The worry. The stress. Working. Driving all the time. Heck even showering and washing clothes can difficult in times like this.

pinkyx

dellas1979, yes you certainly have a point there. I guess that’s what I am trying to figure out at the moment. I want to give him some time to deal with this as everything was fine up until a week and a half ago when his friend was hospitalised. Seems to have hit him very hard. I can understand that it is exhausting.

The question is do I believe it or is it (partly) him fobbing me off. And secondly how much time do I give him fornit to settle down before I call it a day myself. This week certainly hasn’t been good enough for me and of it were to carry on like this then I would have to (gently) end it for now. I don’t want to be taken for a fool here and strung along but o do want to give him a chance to get himself together. It’s just how long.

dellas1979

Im afraid youll have to answer that question yourself (how long to try keep it going).

If it was myself, Id give it another couple of weeks, max. I wouldnt invest anymore into it. But would leave the door open. If hes genuine, hell be back.

The thing is tho, this situation is amplyfying what you already know. That he's not what you like in relation to contact. And if in time the sick friend situation does resolve itself, is his usual way ebough.

pinkyx

In fairness Dellas1979, before all of this started, a week on Thursday, his level of contact was fine. It’s dropped dramatically since then. He is still throwing me off a text now and again and I respond but it often takes hours to get a text back if I ask him a question or anything.

I’m not happy with the level on contact now and if this continues I do have to leave it. I am also suspicious, all things considered I wonder if I am being spun a line. Some of the replies on here have opened my eyes somewhat, it is all a bit strange. I also wonder why she has been sent to a hospital so far away. Some things don’t quite ring true here for me.

neonsofa

pinkyx wrote: »

In fairness Dellas1979, before all of this started, a week on Thursday, his level of contact was fine. It’s dropped dramatically since then. He is still throwing me off a text now and again and I respond but it often takes hours to get a text back if I ask him a question or anything.

I’m not happy with the level on contact now and if this continues I do have to leave it. I am also suspicious, all things considered I wonder if I am being spun a line. Some of the replies on here have opened my eyes somewhat, it is all a bit strange. I also wonder why she has been sent to a hospital so far away. Some things don’t quite ring true here for me.

So is it just his responses that have dropped, rather than contact generally? As in, is he still sending you the odd text,he just can't engage in all day back and forths? Like there's a huge difference between he just doesn't bother sending any texts to me anymore and he doesn't respond to my follow up questions as quickly as he used to. If he has a lot going on he just may not want to engage in random chit chat.

pinkyx

No we are not talking random chit chat here. He used to send me a message in the morning nearly everyday asking how I slept etc. That’s not happened anymore, well one day he did in fairness. He didn’t really text me often during the day at work maybe one text at lunch occasionally. Then in the evening we would send back and forth a few texts about our day, maybe three or four texts each. It was more at the beggining but I was happy enough that it had settled at this level. Plus seeing each other lots at the weekend and sometimes once on the week.

Now he probabaly texts me once a day and when I respond it might take him ti the next day to text again or he might text me maybe 6 hours later. It’s like one very drawn out text conversation over the course of day. When he texts me I usually reapond within the hour.

Plus I have seen him once since last Thursday. It was fine when I saw him and he was apologetic and keen to see me again soon. I was hopeful that it was going back the way it was but it doesn’t look like it. We did talk about me seeing him today but that obviously isn’t happening, no explanation apart from the text earlier on apologising for the lack of texts and saying he wasnt feeling too good etc. Now nothing.

I don’t know, I think I’m being strung along here and fed a line. I’ll give him a chance but I’m not to hopefull.

Colser

Is the business opened 7 days a week,are there any other staff?The whole thing sounds bizarre to me...go with your gut on this OP.I think it's totally ott even if he's telling the truth.

pinkyx

Colser, yes it is a bit bizzar isn’t it. I am not sure what to make of it

The business they run is a pub, he is the chef and they own run and manage the place. I know another couple who run a pub and I do know that it’s a very time consuming business and it’s a struggle financially. They other couple I know say the need to keep the pub open come hell or high water, especially at the weekends. I presume her husband had been there for her.m and taken some time out but the guy I am seeing has taken it upon himself to be there a lot too. I don’t know, haven’t written it all out I do think there is a level of bull**** here.

Ghekko

pinkyx wrote: »

Colser, yes it is a bit bizzar isn’t it. I am not sure what to make of it

The business they run is a pub, he is the chef and they own run and manage the place. I know another couple who run a pub and I do know that it’s a very time consuming business and it’s a struggle financially. They other couple I know say the need to keep the pub open come hell or high water, especially at the weekends. I presume her husband had been there for her.m and taken some time out but the guy I am seeing has taken it upon himself to be there a lot too. I don’t know, haven’t written it all out I do think there is a level of bull**** here.

It might serve him better to help out in the friends pub and let her husband spend time with her.

pinkyx

Ha Ghekko, you are dead right. I haven’t heard him talk once about doing a shift in the pub to fill in for them. But he is racing around the country to sit by her bedside night after night. It’s funny that isn’t it!

TheBoyConor

OP to be honest I think you need to chill the beans a bit. You are coming across to me, and himself possibly as incredibly needy with all this expectation of constant texting. This think you should just take him as he is or leave him as he is. He's in a bad situation with his long term friend and probably needs a bit of space.

And slightly off topic, but as a guy who has dated on and off over the past 2 years that a lot of women seem to be intensely keen on texting. It's like they need constant texting and attention otherwise they think your not interested when really you might be but you just have to, you know, work or drive or do any of the other jobs or activities you need to do every day. I don't see what value is added to a relationship by a constant tit-for-tat texting about "how r u", "what u up 2". It tiring, a chore and not to mention distracting to have to have those constant text conversations all the time and i personally find it to be off-putting and annoying.. I prefer to talk and have banter in person. I don't have a need for constant reassurance by texting that a girl is interested in me, I'd be mortified to be constantly texting a girl if she was busy and making a nuisance of myself.

pinkyx

Hey TheBoyConnor. Thanks for your reply. I agree expecting constant texting is annoying and impractical when you have work etc. And I don’t expect constant texting and never have. It’s just the drop of on contact him. I was perfectly happy with the level of contact before, sending a handful of texts a day and seeing each other at the weekend. Most of that texting was driven my him. Its just the change combined with the slightly odd story.

I haven’t seen him over the last two weekends either. It’s more about that then texting. A dramatic change in contact in whatever form, can be sign of someone losing interest and giving you the brush off. That’s what I would think here normally but as this guy has all of this going on I am sure how much benefit of the doubt to give him.

cailin.

I think you need to take a step back from the situation, OP.
You've been dating for 8 or 10 weeks. Things generally seemed to have been going well up until the communication dried up. The fact you had been in touch a few times a day is still a lot for some people.
You don't know if the story is odd at this point and I'd be inclined to say that it's early days yet to be analysing the communication patterns and whether his story is legit or not.
It seems to me that you're a little bit suspicious of his intentions. You are just in his life, and the dating shouldn't be stressful of intense and it sounds a little intense from some of the posts.

You are absolutely within your rights to put yourself first and decide if you are willing to be patient or not. If things are good, and you have plans for summer it might be worth taking a breather and giving him space.
At the weekend, give him a text and say that you understand he has a lot going on and that when he is in a better place to date he can get in touch.

Purple Mountain

Just out of curiosity OP..
Are you getting along with your own life and hobbies in his absence?
What I mean are you sitting around waiting for dates with him or are you still planning night out with friends etc?
I'd hate to think of you putting your life on pause waiting for him or any man for that matter.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I am totally taken aback by some people here, it's like they have never (thank god) been in that situation, but feel qualified to make huge assumptions.

I don't know whether or not your guy is truthful or not, but I just want to say... The facts stack up. It might help if I shared my experience with you, as I was in a similar situation myself.

I lost my best friend. He was sick for a few years. When someone is that sick, and they have a private room.... The hospital don't mind about visiting hours. I have stayed with him for nine hours. I have stayed with him until very late at night and also overnight, and I have done the same with others before.

His wife stopped visiting him regularly for the last few months. She said it was because she had to look after the children. To be honest I think she was having a sort of breakdown. I had to be with him more. He desperately wanted her though. Her, me and his dad was the only people who visited. I worked shift, so could spend a lot of time with him.

There was never any history between us, but I can't describe the pain of leaving him every day, not sure if he would make it, and then finally... Knowing he would not make it.

It clouded my brain. Meanwhile I met a guy. I cancelled our first date with one hour notice because of my sick friend. My new guy was so patient and understanding. I don't know if you are sharing your fears with this guy, or just sort of venting here, but, it would have hurt me so much if my new guy had even hinted at anything like I was visiting too much/maybe caring too much.

I also wasn't very good at being fun... I would keep my phone away unless he was sleeping. Often, I didn’t reply to texts.

It's so so hard to watch someone you love be so sick, lose hope, maybe die. You just try to do the right thing, and to give them the most precious gift of all.... Time.
When they are gone, or even if they get better, you don't want to have one regret. You don't want to think you went on a date when your loved one was alone with their thoughts and pain hospital.

Take care of yourself OP, because if you decide to give this guy a chance, you will have to be strong to recharge him, and it's very draining supporting someone when they are in grief. x

pinkyx

Yes, Purple Mountain, I am trying to keep busy. I ave a few other things going on in my life. I cant say this isn't taking up more of my thinking time than it should but I am not totally obsessed.

Propperson

Hi OP,

I cared for a terminally ill brother for about 2 months prior to his death. I was going from work to the hospital and staying there for hours and eventually even sleeping there towards the end. Time lost all meaning and I felt as if I was in living in a bubble.

I didn’t carry on with my normal life during this period as I felt so raw and anxious with worry and I withdrew from my friends as I felt I didn’t have the words to express what was going on. My focus was completely on my brother. I lost weight and forgot to look after myself and plus that fact that as this was a new experience for me I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I wasn’t sleeping either so I was running on empty, it was horrible.

Perhaps the guy you are dating is going through a similar situation with his lifelong friend who is maybe like a family member to him. Be patient with him and he will come back around when he comes up for air, considering the extreme circumstances and his previous attentions to you he sounds like he is into you but his attention has been hijacked by his friend’s illness.

I hope it works out for you both as he sounds like a nice guy in a difficult situation.

Good luck to you.

Bruisedego

Hope things are working out for you op.