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My sister cut me & our mother out of her life & its devastating for us

  • 23-04-2018 09:49PM
    #1
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭


    I'm really struggling...just when i think that im doing ok, bang something triggers the pain inside. My sister who is 3 years younger than me has cut me out of her & her childrens lives. Growing up we were never that close & we have very different personalities & our parents seperated. Then a few years later our dad died from cancer. My sister has choosen to cut me out of her life without explanation. Because our mother didnt agree with what she done to me she has cut my mother out too. We have made efforts to reconcile but she just ignores our efforts. Its 3 years on & im still struggling to come to terms with everything. I pine for a relationship with my sister & nieces. Even though my sister emotionally abused me with her horrible mind games & horrible things she has said to other family members & people we know about me i have told her that im willing to forgive her. I go to see a therapist because of the trauma of this situation, i practice self care to the best of my ability. I just find that life can be so cruel & for me it always seems to be no matter how much you try & live your life in peace & harmony there is always a cross to bear & this cross is weighing me down. Im just wondering is anyone else going through a simular situation & if so how do you cope with the sadness?


Comments

  • #2
    JackTaylorFan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,452 ✭✭✭JackTaylorFan


    The circumstances of my situation are just a little different - insomuch as I made the decision to cut 2 of 3 siblings out of my life. Both of them, a few years older.

    And, honestly, I am so much better off without their toxicity. I would never want any relationship with them ever again, as they added no value to my life whatsoever, only ever take, take, take. And that's following a really abusive childhood with them as well. I still sometimes let it get me down when I see the preferential treatment they seem to get from my mother... but meh... I'm still better off without. I'd say I cope pretty well with it all. I couldn't give a damn what they think. The only person I feel slightly sad for is my mother, who is torn apart by it. But again, not my fault.

    Nowadays, I focus my energy and give as much love and support to the people I actually chose to have in my life. My friends are my family.


  • #3
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 81,191 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    I'm really struggling...just when i think that im doing ok, bang something triggers the pain inside. My sister who is 3 years younger than me has cut me out of her & her childrens lives. Growing up we were never that close & we have very different personalities & our parents seperated. Then a few years later our dad died from cancer. My sister has choosen to cut me out of her life without explanation. Because our mother didnt agree with what she done to me she has cut my mother out too. We have made efforts to reconcile but she just ignores our efforts. Its 3 years on & im still struggling to come to terms with everything. I pine for a relationship with my sister & nieces. Even though my sister emotionally abused me with her horrible mind games & horrible things she has said to other family members & people we know about me i have told her that im willing to forgive her. I go to see a therapist because of the trauma of this situation, i practice self care to the best of my ability. I just find that life can be so cruel & for me it always seems to be no matter how much you try & live your life in peace & harmony there is always a cross to bear & this cross is weighing me down. Im just wondering is anyone else going through a simular situation & if so how do you cope with the sadness?

    She emotionally abused you? do you really want someone like that in your life? I think you're better off without someone like that in your life.


  • #4
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Em, OP - you had two other threads on this.

    The first one was that you and your mother thought your sister was greedy and grasping and transferred all her money secretly to you therefore cutting your sister out of any inheritance.

    In the second you described how you and she were not close, have no relationship with her and you had it out with her and said you told her a "few home truths."

    From reading all those threads, it sounds like your sister did try to have a relationship with you but you feel it should be more intense and in each other's pockets more and that's more than she is personally comfortable with.

    I'd guess that she's given up trying to have a relationship with you because she sees that any relationship will be on your terms and she won't get anything out of it except a bit of drama and stress.

    Even now, when you want a relationship with her and you desperately miss her you are still not listening to what she's told you about how she feels and taken it on board.

    I've a sibling I'm not close to. I find them bossy and interfering, and very pass-remarkable. They are also keen to gossip so telling them something in confidence means that they will go directly to other family members like our mother and dissect it. I find them self absorbed and selfish and two faced. I went through some very difficult personal issues and I never even got a text at the time, whereas when it's their crisis, I'm expected to drop everything and spend hours on the phone making them feel better. They lament to family that we aren't close, but every time I've tried, I've gotten my fingers burned. So any relationship I have with them is therefore very superficial, and it was never my choice to have it that way. I spent my life wanting to be close to them, but I see now that comes with a price I'm unwilling to pay.


  • #5
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    Neyite wrote: »
    Em, OP - you had two other threads on this.

    The first one was that you and your mother thought your sister was greedy and grasping and transferred all her money secretly to you therefore cutting your sister out of any inheritance.

    In the second you described how you and she were not close, have no relationship with her and you had it out with her and said you told her a "few home truths."

    From reading all those threads, it sounds like your sister did try to have a relationship with you but you feel it should be more intense and in each other's pockets more and that's more than she is personally comfortable with.

    I'd guess that she's given up trying to have a relationship with you because she sees that any relationship will be on your terms and she won't get anything out of it except a bit of drama and stress.

    Even now, when you want a relationship with her and you desperately miss her you are still not listening to what she's told you about how she feels and taken it on board.

    I've a sibling I'm not close to. I find them bossy and interfering, and very pass-remarkable. They are also keen to gossip so telling them something in confidence means that they will go directly to other family members like our mother and dissect it. I find them self absorbed and selfish and two faced. I went through some very difficult personal issues and I never even got a text at the time, whereas when it's their crisis, I'm expected to drop everything and spend hours on the phone making them feel better. They lament to family that we aren't close, but every time I've tried, I've gotten my fingers burned. So any relationship I have with them is therefore very superficial, and it was never my choice to have it that way. I spent my life wanting to be close to them, but I see now that comes with a price I'm unwilling to pay.

    OP yes i have two other threads on this i also have a milion other stories that i could tell you about my sister and our situation. The money situation was purley my mothers choice for my mother to do with her hard earned money whatever she chooses, i felt uncomfortable abov it at the time but my mother has made her decision based on how badly my sister has treated our whole family. It is hard for me to accept that my sister only cares about her own feelings and she doesnt want to make any effort to reconsile with me, my mother or have a relationship with my children. We are not monsters! Love & forgiveness should over ride anything else. Oh & about the "home truths" that you say my sister gave me, that is not the case. Anything i tried to talk to her about and try to solve she has her own twisted version of events that where not even true or making sense. She is hurt from her past, we all are but as adults & parents to our own children you would think that there would be a way of reconsiling our differences. Btw it sounds to me that you have read my posts, related them to your own story & turned on me to vent your own anger. As i have said we all have our pain, no body to me is a bad person but i struggle to understand why family members dont try to reconcile. My sister has frooze me out of her life for years so you misread my story there too, she never made the effort. Its heartbreaking on so many levels for the whole family.


  • #6
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,612 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Op I didn't see your previous threads but from reding your pists in this thread you actually don't like your sister. So why are you so intent on a relationship that will be confrontational anyway? So live your life in peace away from a person who you claim causes you so much grief you need therapy.


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  • #7
    Will I Am Not
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,496 ✭✭✭Will I Am Not


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    OP yes i have two other threads on this i also have a milion other stories that i could tell you about my sister and our situation. The money situation was purley my mothers choice for my mother to do with her hard earned money whatever she chooses, i felt uncomfortable abov it at the time but my mother has made her decision based on how badly my sister has treated our whole family. It is hard for me to accept that my sister only cares about her own feelings and she doesnt want to make any effort to reconsile with me, my mother or have a relationship with my children. We are not monsters! Love & forgiveness should over ride anything else. Oh & about the "home truths" that you say my sister gave me, that is not the case. Anything i tried to talk to her about and try to solve she has her own twisted version of events that where not even true or making sense. She is hurt from her past, we all are but as adults & parents to our own children you would think that there would be a way of reconsiling our differences. Btw it sounds to me that you have read my posts, related them to your own story & turned on me to vent your own anger. As i have said we all have our pain, no body to me is a bad person but i struggle to understand why family members dont try to reconcile. My sister has frooze me out of her life for years so you misread my story there too, she never made the effort. Its heartbreaking on so many levels for the whole family.

    That’s a cop out. If she doesn’t want anything to do with you then that’s her decision. If she sees you as a toxic presence in her life, she has every right to cut you out of it.


  • #8
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Op I didn't see your previous threads but from reding your pists in this thread you actually don't like your sister. So why are you so intent on a relationship that will be confrontational anyway? So live your life in peace away from a person who you claim causes you so much grief you need therapy.

    Its not that i dont like my sister, i love my sister & always will no matter what & i have told her this. There is a strong bond for me there because we are sisters so it is not as easy as you say. She is a very damaged person and i dont think she has done the work on herself that is needed to heal. I do go to counselling and have been for years but yesterday my emotions where triggered when i visited my cousin. I will be with my counsellor next Monday. It just hits you hard some days.


  • #9
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    Will I Am Not wrote: »
    That’s a cop out. If she doesn’t want anything to do with you then that’s her decision. If she sees you as a toxic presence in her life, she has every right to cut you out of it.

    I think your response is very harsh & cruel towards someone who is emotionally struggling. Don't you know about the importance of mental health & people needing to talk & get support. Your words are neither comforting or supportive and i will not be taking them on board my journey of growth & healing.


  • #10
    Will I Am Not
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,496 ✭✭✭Will I Am Not


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    I think your response is very harsh & cruel towards someone who is emotionally struggling. Don't you know about the importance of mental health & people needing to talk & get support. Your words are neither comforting or supportive and i will not be taking them on board my journey of growth & healing.

    There’s nothing cruel about it. It’s reality. If you only want people to be on your side and agree with everything you say then public message boards are not the place for it.


  • #11
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    Will I Am Not wrote: »
    That’s a cop out. If she doesn’t want anything to do with you then that’s her decision. If she sees you as a toxic presence in her life, she has every right to cut you out of it.

    I think your response is very harsh & cruel towards someone who is emotionally struggling. Don't you know about the importance of mental health & people needing to talk & get support. Your words are neither comforting or supportive and i will not be taking them on board my journey of growth & healing.

    You need to respect your sisters decision to live ger life without you, only once you accept this can you begin your journey to heeling.

    The poster is giving you tough love because soothing your ego about your fight with your sister has no benefit to you.

    Your coming across very manipulative.


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  • #12
    sbsquarepants
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,810 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    I think you may just have to suck it up OP.

    She doesn't want you in her life, it's as simple as that (maybe she has good reason, maybe she doesn't)
    But either way you can't force her, it's her decision. Just get on with your own life without her and who knows, maybe she'll change her mind some day.


  • #13
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    Will I Am Not wrote: »
    There’s nothing cruel about it. It’s reality. If you only want people to be on your side and agree with everything you say then public message boards are not the place for it.

    Again you dont seem to get it, if someone is struggling emotionally you don't kick them while they are down. Im not looking for people to be on my side im just trying to come to terms with my family situation. Im very much in touch with reality, life has thrown me plenty of curved balls.


  • #14
    Will I Am Not
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,496 ✭✭✭Will I Am Not


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    Again you dont seem to get it, if someone is struggling emotionally you don't kick them while they are down. Im not looking for people to be on my side im just trying to come to terms with my family situation. Im very much in touch with reality, life has thrown me plenty of curved balls.

    I’m not kicking anybody. You’re unable to accept advice that doesn’t fit your narrative and perceive it as an attack when it’s not intended to be.


  • #15
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    Will I Am Not wrote: »
    I’m not kicking anybody. You’re unable to accept advice that doesn’t fit your narrative and perceive it as an attack when it’s not intended to be.

    Ok i think its best if we leave it on that note, i am very sensitive at the moment.


  • #16
    Telly
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 523 ✭✭✭Telly


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    Its not that i dont like my sister, i love my sister & always will no matter what & i have told her this. There is a strong bond for me there because we are sisters so it is not as easy as you say. She is a very damaged person and i dont think she has done the work on herself that is needed to heal. I do go to counselling and have been for years but yesterday my emotions where triggered when i visited my cousin. I will be with my counsellor next Monday. It just hits you hard some days.
    Leave her alone. I cut my brother off for 10 months cause I just couldn’t handle his sh1t anymore. It was draining. Only reason we’re back talking is cause of our nieces wedding. Maybe you’re hard work and she can’t be arsed with you anymore. It’s not like you’re going to admit it here.


  • #17
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    Telly wrote: »
    Leave her alone. I cut my brother off for 10 months cause I just couldn’t handle his sh1t anymore. It was draining. Only reason we’re back talking is cause of our nieces wedding. Maybe you’re hard work and she can’t be arsed with you anymore. It’s not like you’re going to admit it here.

    I have left her alone. Its not always the other persons fault maybe you cut your brother off because you couldnt control him or he wasnt willing to take your crap or maybe he was happy that you cut him off because you were just "hard work" do any off us really know whats going on for the other person...


  • #18
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    I think you need to respect your sisters wishes and leave her alone. She doesn't owe you a relationship just becauseyou happen to be related. I appreciate it's not easy but it has to come from her, you can't force it, and she doesn't seem to be in the right place to stay in touch with you at the moment.


  • #19
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    OP yes i have two other threads on this i also have a milion other stories that i could tell you about my sister and our situation. The money situation was purley my mothers choice for my mother to do with her hard earned money whatever she chooses, i felt uncomfortable abov it at the time but my mother has made her decision based on how badly my sister has treated our whole family. It is hard for me to accept that my sister only cares about her own feelings and she doesnt want to make any effort to reconsile with me, my mother or have a relationship with my children. We are not monsters! Love & forgiveness should over ride anything else. Oh & about the "home truths" that you say my sister gave me, that is not the case. Anything i tried to talk to her about and try to solve she has her own twisted version of events that where not even true or making sense. She is hurt from her past, we all are but as adults & parents to our own children you would think that there would be a way of reconsiling our differences.

    You don't believe her, so I'm not being funny here, but why should she have a relationship with someone who does not believe her version of events that are clearly hurtful. You are basically calling her a liar then expecting her to have some sort of bond with you in spite of that.
    wrote:
    Btw it sounds to me that you have read my posts, related them to your own story & turned on me to vent your own anger.

    I'm not a bit angry at my situation, you are far off the mark there. I was disappointed in my teens about it but I understood decades ago that I and my sibling would not be close. I wish them well in life but we will not be close. I offered an example to you and you missed my point by a mile.

    I gave you my (very clear) reasons for keeping my distance from my sibling - no doubt that if you spoke to my sibling, they would claim to be baffled over it as you appear to be with yours. I was pointing out that there usually IS lots of reasons that someone has distanced themselves from a family member.
    wrote:
    As i have said we all have our pain, no body to me is a bad person but i struggle to understand why family members dont try to reconcile. My sister has frooze me out of her life for years so you misread my story there too, she never made the effort. Its heartbreaking on so many levels for the whole family.

    You need to maybe explore that with your counsellor. We all have the right to surround ourselves with people we like, and phase out people we don't. Your sister has chose to live her life away from your and your mother and only she really has the answers to that - you'll not get those answers on the internet from a bunch of strangers who know neither of you. And sometimes there are no answers that are acceptable and you just have to accept that and move on.

    All the best.


  • #20
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    Neyite wrote: »
    You don't believe her, so I'm not being funny here, but why should she have a relationship with someone who does not believe her version of events that are clearly hurtful. You are basically calling her a liar then expecting her to have some sort of bond with you in spite of that.



    I'm not a bit angry at my situation, you are far off the mark there. I was disappointed in my teens about it but I understood decades ago that I and my sibling would not be close. I wish them well in life but we will not be close. I offered an example to you and you missed my point by a mile.

    I gave you my (very clear) reasons for keeping my distance from my sibling - no doubt that if you spoke to my sibling, they would claim to be baffled over it as you appear to be with yours. I was pointing out that there usually IS lots of reasons that someone has distanced themselves from a family member.



    You need to maybe explore that with your counsellor. We all have the right to surround ourselves with people we like, and phase out people we don't. Your sister has chose to live her life away from your and your mother and only she really has the answers to that - you'll not get those answers on the internet from a bunch of strangers who know neither of you. And sometimes there are no answers that are acceptable and you just have to accept that and move on.

    All the best.

    Thank you for your input, my sister has told many lies and been found out in them too. I feel sorry for her & just wish i could ease all of our pain. Reaching out to a bunch of strangers on the internet is sometimes the best therapy. All of our stories are unique including yours & mine. I know my sister is doing whats best for her right now & who knows what the future holds ...


  • #21
    Telly
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 523 ✭✭✭Telly


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    I have left her alone. Its not always the other persons fault maybe you cut your brother off because you couldnt control him or he wasnt willing to take your crap or maybe he was happy that you cut him off because you were just "hard work" do any off us really know whats going on for the other person...
    No we don’t know till we talk. To me my brother was the head wrecker to him I was and we clashed. Clashed big. My mother was so heartbroken.

    Oh there’s a huge story why i cut him off. It’s a PI thread in itself. Sometimes there comes a point where your sibling wrecks your head sooooo much that you have to walk away. I hope you and your sister get back talking like myself and my bro. We’re besties again. But it means one of you being the bigger person and trying to clear the air and let the past go. Please be that person.

    Let her tell you why she did it and then promise to work on whatever it is. That alone might heal the rift x


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  • #22
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    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


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  • #23
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    ....... wrote: »
    Why do you want a relationship with her?

    Particularly given your past threads, you and your mother have colluded to cut her out of your mothers estate behind her back and you have talked about how difficult she is.

    Colluded? That is how you choose to see it. My mother has not cut her out of the inheritence she just won't be leaving her as much as me because my mother is so hurt & upset she made that decision which is her right to do with her estate as she wishes. That is not my doing. If you choose to see it in another way thats your business. Parents change their wills all the time its hardly unusual. Im grieving for the loss of my sister, its like a death. Just because someone is difficult doesnt mean you dont still love them or miss them. We're not talking about the loss of an acquantance here.


  • #24
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    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


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  • #25
    Pollypistol
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 31 ✭Pollypistol


    ....... wrote: »
    Yes, colluded. You gave a lot of detail in your thread about discussions you had with your mother about the best way to hide cash from your sister and for your mother to remove it from her own account over time and make small deposits into you and then your childrens accounts. Your mother didnt do this on her own, you talked with her and assisted her. In fact you discussed how your sister would be the type to go to extreme lengths to get to the bottom of this so you would need to be very careful that she didnt know. You used the expression that you would "Play dumb" in the future if she asked you about your mothers money.

    These actions are not the actions you make towards someone you love.

    You said you hadnt got on with her since you were both teenagers and you are in your late 30s now. So why the sudden desire to have a relationship with someone who you havent been bothered with in over 20 years?

    My mother made the decision and she didnt know how to go about it. I wasnt that happy with the idea. It turns out my mother simply changed her will in the end. I dont have a sudden desire to have a relatinship with my sister i have always wanted it to happen but she never did so thats what i have to accept. We come from a broken home theres alot of saddness involved. I dont expect you to understand because you are only hearing snippets. I wont be going back & forth with this conversation because it turns into trolling & i wouldnt engage in that behaviour. Good bye & best wishes


  • #26
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  • #27
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    I have no idea what you really want from this thread, OP. I recall your previous posts about your sister.

    You only seem to want validation that your emotions are appropriate and that you should be deserving of empathy. It is difficult to empathise with wanting contact with someone who you say emotionally abused you. You said that you are trying to come to terms with your family situation, but you won't accept how your sister feels and want contact and have made multiple efforts to reconcile. With respect OP, how are you supposed to come to terms with something if you cannot accept it?

    You are arguing with anyone who offers constructive advice or criticism that even hints at self-reflection or the idea that if your sister does not want contact with you, she is perfectly entitled not to have contact with you.

    Your sister did not cut contact with you for no reason. There was a reason; that reason may or may not be a valid one to you or to anyone else, but it is valid to her. Clearly that is hard for you to accept but it is something you have to respect. There is no point in saying you want to heal when you are insisting on keeping the wound open by refusing to accept her choice.


  • #28
    Ghekko
    Closed Accounts Posts: 942 ✭✭✭Ghekko


    Pollypistol wrote: »
    Its not that i dont like my sister, i love my sister & always will no matter what & i have told her this. There is a strong bond for me there because we are sisters so it is not as easy as you say. She is a very damaged person and i dont think she has done the work on herself that is needed to heal. I do go to counselling and have been for years but yesterday my emotions where triggered when i visited my cousin. I will be with my counsellor next Monday. It just hits you hard some days.


    Perhaps cutting family out is her way of healing and enabling her to move forward. Maybe she has been getting counselling too and this has been the advise she's been given. Look, we can't choose our relatives the way we choose our friends. Look back over your lives as sisters and be honest - would you have chosen her as a friend? We cut Dh's sister out of our lives. Being siblings does not mean you have to have a relationship for life and I think you should now respect your sisters decision and leave things be. Focus on your other family members and your friends.


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