The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

When Little jonnie was absent from school one day, the teacher asked him where he was, he said "my dad got burnt".

"not seriously I hope" said the teacher.



"well they don't f*ck about at the crematorium".

Dropped in on a friend "Dave your ceilings are very high"

And he said "Aye, it was the wife's idea, knocking two rooms into one"

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to a Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

I remember the first time I ever saw an Universal Remote Control.


I thought to myself, "Well this changes everything."

Edinburgh Fringe Jokes


“In France J-Lo is called ‘I have water.'” Adam Hess (2016)

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015)

“I never lie on my CV… because it creases it.” Jenny Collier (2015)

“Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought. Once you’ve hired the car …” Tim Key (2011)

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59, because I like that one to one time.” Tom Ward (2015)

“Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’.” Ally Houston (2015)

“I’ve got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that’s the point, isn’t it?” Gyles Brandreth (2010)

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” Tim Vine (2014)

“How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.” Dan Antopolski (2010)

“Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything. Loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking – that’s my only criticism.” James Acaster (2015)

“What’s the funniest fruit in the bowl? Cherry Seinfeld.” Lizzy Mace (2014)


“I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.” Sarah Millican (2010)


“I’m lazy. My childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.” Mike Shephard (2015)

“I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.” Tim Vine (2014)


“Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.” Sara Pascoe (2010)

“What do you call three members of ABBA in a French slaughterhouse? ABBA trois.” Darren Walsh (2016)

“I said to a fella, ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ He said, ‘No, there’s an H, an E, an N, an L, and a Y…” Paul Daniels (2011)


“What do you call a pink flower that comes back from the dead? A re-in-carnation.” Nikhil Tiwali (2013)

“Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.” Tom Webb (2011)

“I tried to Google endangered species. They were hard to find.” Suns of Fred (2014)

“Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today, but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.” Bec Hill (2010)

“Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.” Gyles Brandreth (2015)

British Airways have just unveiled a plane that holds 220 passengers.

It's the same model that Ryanair have bought, but a Ryanair spokesman insists it can accommodate up to 600.

A man walks into a library and asks for a pantomime book.

The librarian says "It's behind you"

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

Theresa May. "One of my constituents is going to the Caribbean."

Interviewer. "Jamaica?"

May. "Yes."