No one is coming to my wedding?

uck51js9zml2yt · 12-03-2018 09:00AM

We had 66 and even then some didn't come.
But we knew we wanted everyone there who was there and that they wanted to be there.
We booked the restaurant of the hotel and had a great day.

daheff · 12-03-2018 09:21AM

Ok so lets break this down a little

86 people
Assume half brides guests half groom(lots of assumptions, so op feel free to correct)

Brides family- 2 parents, 2 siblings+Partners=6
Aunts & Uncles =6 total 12
Cousins & partners = 10, total 22
Friends & partners = 12, total 34
Family friends & kids= 8, total 42

So op, can you tell us which of those buckets you were expecting so many more people?

I suspect you dont have a large extended family(so probably struggle with the family numbers)?

In any case you dont need 100s to have a great day. Better to have 80+ people there that you care about than 200 you wouldnt bother about any other day of the year.

One other plus is with a smaller amount you can actually get to talk with most on your big day. 200+ you might just about say hello

mcgiggles · 12-03-2018 09:54AM

SazSarsh wrote:

I will walk into the church and see it 1/4 full and feel so gutted but I will have to put on a brave face even though it will hurt me. And I can't help it that it will hurt me.

Hate to say it but if that's what you're thinking about when you walk into the church then you have bigger problems. We had 150 at our wedding not including bridal party.. And I didn't see one of them when i walked into the church.. I saw faces alright but didn't register them at all, the only thing I could concentrate on was my husband!

aaakev · 12-03-2018 09:55AM

We got married in 2015 and we decided to break from the norm and only incite those we really wanted there. Like a previous post we had a few pissed off relatives and "friends" but we didn't give a toss. We invited 85 and 79 came. The hotel was even trying to tell me that was too small but in the end we had a brilliant weekend and most people stayed for the second night too.

We didnt do the church thing, we did it in another room in the hotel and it was the most relaxed wedding iv been to ( even though it was my own)

CeilingFly · 12-03-2018 10:08AM

SazSarsh wrote: »

I just want to thank everybody for their honest and genuine replies whether I liked to hear the truth or not. As one user said social media is a problem today and it really is. Unfortunately social media has gobbled me up and although I am in my mid twenties, I still care about Facebook and Instagram likes. It's terrible but society has done this to me.
I once heard my mother in law to be saying "that was a very small and quiet wedding and not many young people at it, they must not have many friends". I suppose I just don't want people saying this about me and my fiancée. Why should I care, I know, but I do, and somehow I can't seem to shake it off that I do care about what others think.
I'm incredibly nervous about our big day. I will walk into the church and see it 1/4 full and feel so gutted but I will have to put on a brave face even though it will hurt me. And I can't help it that it will hurt me.

I think you need to wake up to yourself.

A wedding is not about what a mother in law thinks and if she makes that type of comment about someones wedding, she is one to watch out for as she'll probably make disparaging comments about anything and everything you do as you are married to her son.

You needs to put her in her place immediately and not let her make comment on your wedding.

Be happy that its a 80-90 person wedding. Be extra happy. Say you dreaded a big wedding as at a big wedding it becomes so inpersonal and you'd never be able to chat with people.

As for FB friends etc - that really is a schoolkid thing.

Bob Harris · 12-03-2018 10:29AM

Sounds like the OP invited about 50 facebook friends with a +1. There's 100 people accounted for already.

Neyite · 12-03-2018 10:32AM

Look, nobody is a pro at wedding planning. You got a bit swept away at wanting a big crowd and it's kind of backfired.

Plenty of people here have told you that they had small and terrific weddings. Focus on that. You've 86 attending. That's great.

I've been to weddings where 200 attended and the dance floor was empty and the place practically deserted by 11pm. I've been to ones upwards of that where the bride and groom had so many people to try to chat to, they didn't see each other all day. I've been to ones where there was less than 100 and hands down the best weddings I've attended. The numbers don't matter. What will get your party going is your guests.

So focus on the 86.

My sister got married in a massive church that you'd never be able to fill with guests and only had the the first 10 pews out of about 30 filled. It was still lovely. Few weddings I've been at filled a church, so don't worry about having a half empty church.

See if the hotel can close off part of the room. Most ballrooms have that functionality. That can stop the place looking too empty for the crowd size.

And most importantly, it's about your marriage. Not the wedding. You will have a great day because your good friends and family will be there to share your happiness at marrying your partner.

Geuze · 12-03-2018 10:54AM

SazSarsh wrote: »

. I will walk into the church and see it 1/4 full and feel so gutted but I will have to put on a brave face even though it will hurt me. And I can't help it that it will hurt me.

Many churches can seat hundreds, maybe 1,000 people, so at any wedding there will be plenty of empty seats.

Geuze · 12-03-2018 10:56AM

I don't like the Irish concept of large weddings.

200 people,sure I don't even know that many people.

There were 75 at our wedding, and that was fine.

iamwhoiam · 12-03-2018 10:56AM

I am wondering how 86 people can be " no one " ?

woodchuck · 12-03-2018 10:59AM

First of all you're being a bit dramatic. You say no one is coming to your wedding, but you have 86 coming!! I know it's disappointing that there's a large percentage not coming, but you've essentially admitted yourself that you invited a lot of people just to make up the numbers. They'll be well aware of this themselves if you haven't seen them in 5+ years, so why would you expect them to come? Weddings are expensive, so you can't expect people you haven't seen in years to drop a few hundred euro to attend.

I was invited to a lot of weddings last year. By the time I got the 5th invite in the post from someone from school that I hadn't seen in years, I had to decline. I just didn't have the time/energy/money for another wedding! And while I might've liked to catch up with her, I knew I wouldn't get more than 5 minutes with her on the day. If she was really interested in catching up, I'd much prefer doing so over a coffee.

OP you need to put yourself in other peoples shoes. Would you really accept an invite to a wedding of someone you haven't seen in years just to make up the numbers for them?

It was a bit silly inviting so many people that were likely to decline, but what's done is done. Just try to enjoy your day. Sure if they had all attended you wouldn't even get talking to most of them. Smaller numbers are way better imho!

DoozerT6 · 12-03-2018 11:05AM

I can kind of see both sides here.

I can see why people here are telling you that it really doesn't matter, that you should only invite who you'd REALLY want at your wedding, etc, (all very valid points), but I can also see the other side too. Yourself and your fiance don't have large friend groups and by extension, not a large social circle in general, so you invited a lot of 'old' friends and people who are mere acquaintances, to increase the numbers to be the sort of wedding you (think you) want. No matter what the reasons for inviting these people are, it's got to hurt when you get nothing but 'cannot attend' from the majority of them. It's upsetting to think that the people you invited feel so far removed from you that they decline an invitation to the biggest day of your life. I know they weren't close friends, just acquaintances, but still....I get it.

I would be like yourself in ways OP, my social life has fallen off a cliff over the past five years or so, and I find myself these days with literally one friend and a few 'work' friends. If, by some miracle I met someone today, had a whirlwind romance and was getting married in six months time I would have pitifully few people to invite, apart from extended family, none of whom I'm really close to anyway. Thing is, you have to work with what you've got. I'm guessing not many of the people who declined are local, otherwise you'd have seen them socially over the past while? In that case, could you condense the wedding to accommodate this smaller number, make it fantastic, and act like that was your intended number of attendees all along? Unless the whole town/area is privy to your wedding plans, they're not going to know that you had a bunch of people decline, and if these invitees weren't local to start with and never in the area, they're unlikely to ever find out the drop-off rate.

I fully understand other's posters opinions that the wedding should be about your nearest and dearest, and the reasons why many people hate attending weddings, but I guess when you have a plan in your head of how it will be, only to have your plans shattered by other's lack of interest, it has to hurt, so cut the OP some slack.

slightly off topic//Also if you would genuinely like more friends in your life, I would recommend becoming involved in the community in some way once you settle into married life: ask if you can help with organising a local event, volunteer at events that are being held, and if you or your hub are involved in a sport, maybe you could offer to coach a kids team or something? Join a musical society, help out with the Scouts, stuff like that, whatever you're interested in //off topic.

But in the meantime, upsetting as it may be for you, you may just have to accept that 86 is the number you've got, and work on making it a memorable day for both yourselves and your guests.

Best of luck

Ghekko · 12-03-2018 11:12AM

backspin. wrote: »

Big weddings are so 1990's.

So true. You'd be crammed elbow to elbow at the table, the packet soup served in those awful tin bowls, dance floor taken over with cousins kids tripping everyone up. Over 300 people would have been the norm back then. And then another 100 would turn up for the afters. Give me 80 people any day.

Vojera · 12-03-2018 11:47AM

Ghekko wrote: »

So true. You'd be crammed elbow to elbow at the table, the packet soup served in those awful tin bowls, dance floor taken over with cousins kids tripping everyone up. Over 300 people would have been the norm back then. And then another 100 would turn up for the afters. Give me 80 people any day.

My cousin got married in the height of the boom and herself and her husband invited 600 people, with about 400 attending on the day. The place was absolutely rammed with people they were barely acquaintances with. And about six years later they legally separated. So it just goes to show that the numbers don't make the marriage.

OP, we invited about 200 and had 112 on the day. We knew we'd have a big drop off as we're from opposite sides of the country and got married in the middle, meaning everyone had to travel and stay over. But the people there were people we genuinely cared about, and because everyone there knew someone else, there was no awkwardness at any of the tables or anything like that.

What a blessing it is, to have the chance to spend the day with people who love you and who you love too. Never mind the rest of them, the people who matter will be there.

Ciderswigger · 12-03-2018 12:18PM

Vojera wrote: »

What a blessing it is, to have the chance to spend the day with people who love you and who you love too. Never mind the rest of them, the people who matter will be there.

OP I think this is a really important thing to take note of. My closest friends are spread all over the country and some are abroad which makes it almost impossible for us all to be together. Even at Christmas we were still missing one or two who couldn’t make it home.

Sadly most of the times I’m with the people who matter to me is because it’s a funeral. And we always say something like “it’s been great seeing everyone. We should all arrange to meet up and not wait till the next funeral”

Enjoy the fact that you have all the people you love and who love you together at one time.

DrPhilG · 12-03-2018 12:24PM

I lost about a dozen from my wedding because U2 selfishly decided to play in Croker on the same day. A handful of work colleagues had already booked tickets and planned staying over etc so I can understand why they went to the concert. Only people I'd expect to get priority from in that case would be immediate family and close friends. And most of them showed up at the venue on their way to Dublin so they could say hello and wish me well.

We had about 135 attend, from maybe 170 invited.

But admitting that you invited every TD&H just to inflate the attendance, that's pretty silly IMO.

Lau2976 · 12-03-2018 12:26PM

Agree with the other posters above OP why your getting married matters much more then how. Your committing your whole like to someone you love. That’s what matters.

Me and OH will be tying the knot this year. We’ll have about 35-40 there. We’ll say our vows, sign some papers and then eat good food and have a good time with those who are important to us. I’d much rather spend the budget on having a great time with those I care about then trying to make it stretch to a few hundred and having the usual copy paste wedding

decky1 · 12-03-2018 12:44PM

Have a great day and stop getting stressed , when I got married 30+ years ago we had about 30 great day it was, look at the money you'll be saving put it into your house or honeymoon. Sorry say I hate weddings what a waste of money , was at on during the summer and it was my last unless my girls decided to get married but I tell them to go to spain or somewhere wedding +honeymoon sorted, a guy I know did that through a wedding planner over there, she had arranged a villa on a cliff top at less than half the price of a wedding over here. Don't worry whose at it , it's your day . Have a great day hope the sun shines for you.

missmatty · 12-03-2018 12:47PM

I had exactly 86 at mine so apparently no-one came to my wedding either, but we had a fantastic day!

I can understand how you are disappointed, we invited 140 but had a lot decline due to illness and there were lots of communions on that day also. On the day we were so happy to see all those who came and didn't think about the ones who didn't. People are also prioritising whose weddings they attend these days because of the cost, so it's not surprising they declined to come if they are not very close to you. They may well have felt they were invited to make up the numbers.

The Specialist · 12-03-2018 12:48PM

SazSarsh wrote: »

I just want to thank everybody for their honest and genuine replies whether I liked to hear the truth or not. As one user said social media is a problem today and it really is. Unfortunately social media has gobbled me up and although I am in my mid twenties, I still care about Facebook and Instagram likes. It's terrible but society has done this to me.

I get the impression from the bit in bold that your only worry about the numbers is how it will look on your FB/Instagram feed and how many likes it will get. If that is the case, I'd strongly urge you to step back and look at the bigger picture of why you are getting married and what it means to you - it is not an event purely there to go fishing for likes or superficial nonsense like that. You and your partner are making a lifelong commitment to each other in front of your family and friends- leave the anonymous internet people and that social media crap well away from it.

I will walk into the church and see it 1/4 full and feel so gutted but I will have to put on a brave face even though it will hurt me. And I can't help it that it will hurt me.

No you won't - when you enter the church you will be nervous as it is but your primary focus should be on the person standing at the aisle waiting for you. If your first focus is how many people are in the church, you are doing it wrong and for all the wrong reasons.

Heebie · 12-03-2018 12:54PM

Your wedding shouldn't be about counting how many people come. It should be about celebrating with the people who are truly part of your life together.
Stop worrying about that, and concentrate on enjoying your time with your partner.
and... you know whom to turn down if they invite you to a wedding, too.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

pwurple · 12-03-2018 01:04PM

SazSarsh wrote: »

Unfortunately social media has gobbled me up and although I am in my mid twenties, I still care about Facebook and Instagram likes. It's terrible but society has done this to me.

Ah now. "Society" has done nothing to you. Take responsibility for yourself.

Note for future use, the response to anyone dissing a small wedding, especially if they had a huge one themselves is: "Big weddings are a bit tacky though, aren't they?"
(Note, I don't think any size wedding is better than any other, but someone insulting the size of a wedding needs the above eye-opener)

Listen, you made a mistake, no big deal. Get the room size adjusted, let the hotel know. Have a nice day.

joey1111 · 12-03-2018 01:14PM

SazSarsh wrote: »

I know them well but haven't spoken to some of them face to face in about 5 years but have spoken to them on social media

I remember a friend of mine from secondary school organised a reunion.
We were a fairly close bunch in school, up to lots of mischief and great laughs
pranking teachers etc but on the night only 3 of us turned up.

It doesnt matter, people chat on social media because its free, easy and kills a bit of time when you're bored. Thats the thing about social media, people say all this lovely stuff about remembering you, all the laughs etc but really they've moved on and are living a new life. As someone said earlier, they would probably feel very awkward at a wedding of someone they havnt really talked to in years.
Some people may not be happy in their current life as well and dont want to be social, others may not be able to afford the occasion with people they don't know, especially your partner.

joey1111 · 12-03-2018 01:21PM

Just thinking now as well about a friend of mine who was at a wedding during the snow, almost everyone cancelled and they didn't even want to go because they couldn't get the car out of the estate.

In the end they went and everyone on the road pulled together and shovelled the drifts from the cars so they could travel to the church.

They had a great time, everyone who turned up were the ones who mattered.
This is what you need to remember, the ones who show up are the ones who matter.

GingerLily · 12-03-2018 01:25PM

missmatty wrote: »

I had exactly 86 at mine so apparently no-one came to my wedding either, but we had a fantastic day!

I can understand how you are disappointed, we invited 140 but had a lot decline due to illness and there were lots of communions on that day also. On the day we were so happy to see all those who came and didn't think about the ones who didn't. People are also prioritising whose weddings they attend these days because of the cost, so it's not surprising they declined to come if they are not very close to you. They may well have felt they were invited to make up the numbers.

We had similar numbers- invited a few less and had a few more guests but the wedding was a little bit out of the way so we knew now everyone could come!

I was disappointed when I got the declines BUT on the day I was so overwhelmed by all the people who came, and the people who came really wanted to be there, and thats really what matters, having guests you want to be there and who want to be there, it's lovely.

OP, you made a mistake inviting people just to fill the room, they've declined the invite, as they're entitle to. No need to dwell, 86 people is plenty for a party, if you make every guest feel welcome they will make your room feel so much fuller and you'll have a blast.

Good luck in the wedding planning!!

Mitzy · 12-03-2018 01:41PM

OP I know you are upset at the low acceptance but as others have said the 86 people that are there are there because they want to be part of your special day.
Do you really think you will enjoy your day more if you have to spend your time going around greeting & speaking to people you haven't seen in years? This will take up most of your evening.
Spend the day celebrating with your close friends & family and enjoy it and have fun. Don't get caught up in the fact that Mary up the road had a huge wedding.

I've been to many weddings over the years and I can tell you that the huge weddings with over 150 guests are awful. I much prefer smaller intimate weddings. Everyone is more relaxed and they are much more fun.

K_P · 12-03-2018 02:06PM

I think the posts here are all spot on and I really hope you take them on board and enjoy your day OP. I know you're disappointed with the numbers and I'm not saying this to rain on your parade any further, but be prepared for a few more dropouts at the last minute. People will get sick, babysitters will fall through, life happens and emergencies arise. No one will be doing it to disappoint you or let you down, but be prepared for a bit of that to happen.

Sunny Dayz · 12-03-2018 02:10PM

OP I can kinda understand why you are fretting about attendance, large numbers etc. For most weddings the numbers are discussed in chitchat, eg it's one of the first questions that's naturally asked of a wedding: was it a big or small wedding, and it gets discussed in more detail eg there was a big crowd but you wouldn't know it, the room was well laid out or it was a big crowd and you were waiting ages at the bar. See? But I don't think I've ever heard some comment oh a small wedding, they mustn't have many friends...

We had what I assume was a standard size wedding roughly about 90. We invited whom we wanted there, our close family and friends. We knew everyone there bar a couple of plus ones whom we got to know. Do you want to walk into your church or reception and be met with strangers faces? I know when I walked up the aisle I seen the smiles of my friends and families.

It doesn't matter how many are there, what matters is who is there.

osarusan · 12-03-2018 02:12PM

Many of those 'social media friends' who were invited would probably have thought they were being invited out of vague social obligation, and that it was expected, or even hoped, that they would decline.

raspberrypi67 · 12-03-2018 02:27PM

Think of all the pressies if you get 250 people, go for the big one.......

No one is coming to my wedding?

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