Have you ever had an unwanted sexual experience? Mod warning in op - updated 6/3/18

corkladonthis · 20-02-2018 06:27PM

I am a guy pushing into the later half of my twenties.
When I was aged from about 11-14(give or take a few months) a man who was ten years older than me sexually abused me.
At the start it was I honestly thought he was being nice to me because bad men were strangers who tried to lure you into their car and I knew this person very well.
It started off as play fighting and I gladly went along with this but then he started tickling me in private place and then getting me to touch him. I was very naive to be honest at the start but after a while it started click with me that this was odd.
So, then I tried to fight back a little and he used cover my mouth with his hands and put his hands around my neck as if he was going to choke me. I hate my neck being touched. It scares the life out of me to be honest.
Whilst I was never raped and it could have being a lot worse.
He also tried to control who I was friends with and almost acted as a parent.
I then sort of saw him less and less due to another issue.
However when I was sixteen I saw him again and he messaged my back in public. I honestly just stood their and didn't know what to do. I almost froze.
I sort of put it to the back of my mind until I was around eighteen and then it started bothering me more and more. I found it really distracted me focusing on exams/etc but I got through my leaving cert and went to college.
College wasn't a massive success for me but you could leave after two years with a cert. I spent most nights drinking. Alcohol was great. It was easy assailable and legal. I was seen a guy who was always up for a good time but inside I was really lonely. It was fantastic you could go on a night out and be more confident and then come in and pass out and have a great sleep.
I knew after a while tough alcohol wasn't helping me and I gave up drinking.
At the moment I just work at home and I am lucky to have this. I found employment very difficult. I come across as very awkward and shy in interviews and if I did get a job I am a disaster. I suppose I struggle with being overly controlled now. I have read lots of message boards on this matter and people will struggle with employment issues. When I see the dole bashing threads/discussions on the radio I often feel sorry for people who might have had issues growing up and them having to read/listen to them if they were having trouble with employment.
I haven't reported this guy mainly because I have no evidence and he isn't neat kids now. He is very successful and I honestly feel I wouldn't be believed. I see him the odd time now and I just grin and bare it. He's very cool with me and acts very natural.

Triceratops Ballet · 20-02-2018 06:28PM

I remember as an older teenager probably 16 or 17 walking down Abbey street on a Saturday afternoon and as I was walking towards this guy he just reached out and grabbed between my legs. I think it was the first time something so overtly sexual happened to me in the street, I was so shocked I couldn't fathom it.

A couple of years later in a club I was on the dancefloor and a bloke behind me put his hand up my skirt and just stroked the outside of my knickers, I turned around and pushed him back, the bouncers saw the kerfuffle and came over he flatly denied it and they asked me to leave for shoving him, I'll never forget the rage I felt at that, I was so angry and then when we got outside I just burst into tears.

When I was in my 20's the company I worked with would go out for Friday drinks, mostly the lads but every so often a few of the girls would go too, when I went along for the first time, the financial director spent the entire night sitting next to me running his hand up and down my thigh. I was freaked, and it was like nobody noticed it at all. On Monday we were doing the post mortem of Friday night and some of the girls asked how I got on I said it was a bit weird and they just said his name as a question, I said yes and the response was "yeah he's handsy when he's drunk" That was pretty much the reason that it was only the lads who went out on Friday nights.

Greentopia · 20-02-2018 06:28PM

pilly wrote: »

It can be awkward for women too. When I'm walking somewhere in the dark and I feel the presence of someone large behind me I'm often afraid to turn around and check in case you cause offence to someone.

It's a strange one. I often think "Will you just fcuking overtake me".

A little advice from probably an older woman.

If you know all this already fair enough, just passing on something I've found useful anyway.

I just cross the street if that's possible if they won't overtake me. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten was that the best defence in a situation where you may feel unsafe or just nervous is to simply walk confidently and with a sense of purpose, like you know where you're going and you're not afraid of anyone (even if that's not true!).

If you're nervous of someone walking towards and you can't avoid passing them then don't make eye contact and don't deviate the line you are walking, unless that would mean walking into them of course

Just walk past them with a relaxed neutral expression as if you are not in the least bit scared or intimidated. Also at all times be aware of where you are-don't walk where you may feel unsafe looking at your phone or being distracted by anything else.

Not saying it'll guarantee your safety of course, many attacks are random- all you're doing is reducing the risk. Naturally you don't go somewhere where there is evident danger either if you can avoid it by taking a different route or whatever, but attackers usually look for what they see as more "easy prey" and won't fight back-women and girls who look weak, unsure of themselves, not confident, fearful.

They read body language and the signals we give off to those around us. A female out alone who strides tall and confidently will more likely be passed over by an assailant. Studies have actually proved this in the US.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200901/marked-mayhem

tritium · 20-02-2018 06:29PM

HappyAsLarE wrote: »

Conversely if you continue to take the risk it is inevitable that something will happen.

Conversely if I continue to fly on planes it’s inevitable I’ll be in a plane crash

I might need to live to be 150 before the odds catch up with me though

Purple Mountain · 20-02-2018 06:34PM

tritium wrote: »

kingtut wrote: »

At a Dublin boards beers I met one particular girl who seemed to take a fancy to me despite me not reciprocating.

Over the following few weeks she would text a lot and every day send at least 1 photo (innocent enough at first however after a few weeks she ended up sending nudes).

I didn't ask her for any of it so it was pretty uncomfortable that she just kept going despite me not responding .... no clue if she is still active or not.

That’s creepy, like stalker creepy...

It is creepy but..and I know I'll face a backlash..the poster should really have made it clear he wanted her to stop.
She could argue that his silence wasn't a no.
Unfortunately or fortunately this thread brings up the question of consent.
And the conversation we need to have ad a nation about what constitutes as consent: a verbal affirmative, a lack of protest, physical cues.

arybvtcw0eolkf · 20-02-2018 06:42PM

hungoverbunny wrote: »

For example?

An example of what?.. Anyway different thread.

But briefly (if I can remember) you've options to warn/infract someone, and in the drop down menu you can check a users warning/infractions and bannings. You can also edit a post, move it to another thread or forum or lock it.

If you mean the bother. Well if you're ever infracted or banned and you think its unjustified then dispute it every time. Its a royal pain in the hole for the moderator, but just don't get too worked up over it ~ a moderator is just like you or me, another imbacile behind an annon username, its an internet discussion forum so don't let it stress you.

Now, back to the discussion.

Greentopia · 20-02-2018 06:42PM

kylith wrote: »

I'm a woman myself, so I know what it's like. I'm just making the point that it's a shame that the majority of men, who are lovely, also have their lives messed up (to a much lesser extent) by those pathetic scumbags who threaten women.

It's awful that we have to regard every man as a threat, but it is also awful that good men have to go through their lives trying to broadcast to us how not a threat they are. I know what we have to do is shíte, but it is also crappy to go through your life with half the population afraid of you.

Ah I see. I thought you were male. Apologies for the mix up. And yes I agree it's a shame -for all of us that we have to modify our behaviour but it's just how it has to be until women live in a society where we no longer are in fear of being attacked or raped.

It is only in certain situations men have to show consideration like this though and I'm sure it becomes unconscious reflexive behaviour when you do it often enough. I know which 'burden' though shall we say I would prefer to carry-being aware you may be perceived to be a threat to the opposite sex and modifying your behaviour accordingly to not appear threatening, or actually feeling threatened or nervous for your personal safety on a regular basis.

HappyAsLarE · 20-02-2018 06:43PM

tritium wrote: »

Conversely if I continue to fly on planes it’s inevitable I’ll be in a plane crash

I might need to live to be 150 before the odds catch up with me though

You won’t live that long.

B0jangles · 20-02-2018 06:45PM

Purple Mountain wrote: »

It is creepy but..and I know I'll face a backlash..the poster should really have made it clear he wanted her to stop.
She could argue that his silence wasn't a no.
Unfortunately or fortunately this thread brings up the question of consent.
And the conversation we need to have ad a nation about what constitutes as consent: a verbal affirmative, a lack of protest, physical cues.

I'd have to disagree with you there; continuously sending messages/pictures to someone without them ever indicating that they ever wanted to hear from you is borderline harassing behaviour. Plus people are frequently advised not to respond to someone who is harassing them online as doing so just tells them that in some way the harassment is working and they are getting the person's attention.

Escalating to sending naked pictures is (of course) on a whole other level than sending fairly ordinary messages and pictures.

Purple Mountain · 20-02-2018 06:48PM

B0jangles wrote: »

Purple Mountain wrote: »

It is creepy but..and I know I'll face a backlash..the poster should really have made it clear he wanted her to stop.
She could argue that his silence wasn't a no.
Unfortunately or fortunately this thread brings up the question of consent.
And the conversation we need to have ad a nation about what constitutes as consent: a verbal affirmative, a lack of protest, physical cues.

I'd have to disagree with you there; continuously sending messages/pictures to someone without them ever indicating that they ever wanted to hear from you is borderline harassing behaviour. Plus people are frequently advised not to respond to someone who is harassing them online as doing so just tells them that in some way the harassment is working and they are getting the person's attention.

Escalating to sending naked pictures is (of course) on a whole other level than sending fairly ordinary messages and pictures.

I do agree but say for example if the poster wanted to press harassment charges, the first thing the cops will ask is how many times he communicated with her to stop.
And that feeds in with the whole consent grey area. Does silence equate to consent or revulsion?

Greentopia · 20-02-2018 06:49PM

leggo wrote: »

Anyone who goes running will know this is a big thing. I remember when I first started, trying to think of ways to run without terrifying everyone in front of me. At one stage, it began to wind me up to the point I was tempted to shout ahead to warn them I was cool and just out for a run. Then I copped it’d probably be way worse if someone hears footsteps moving at pace mixed with abject yelling coming towards them.

Even as a woman I can understand this, yep. I run in a park trail now where there are lots of other runners so I don't think pedestrians are surprised to see me coming up behind them, but then I don't run at night either so the same level of fear is not there during the day.

Even so I do give as wide a berth as possible when passing them or I make some noise like a cough so they know I'm coming. No shouting though, that would likely have the opposite effect I was going for as you said

tritium · 20-02-2018 06:56PM

HappyAsLarE wrote: »

You won’t live that long.

That was the point of the statement.....

ceadaoin. · 20-02-2018 06:59PM

meeeeh wrote: »

I think there is a limit to being afraid though. At some stage you have to also approach things a bit more from a rational point of view. If I go for a run in dark or walk the dog in the woods which are not frequented much in the dark it's highly unlikely some sexual predator will spend night after night waiting for some random person that might or might not show up. In that case it's much more likely they are in the woods for exactly the same reason as you - exercise.

Lots of attacks are opportunistic in nature though. Often the attacker isnt lurking night
after night waiting for their chance, but given the right circumstances they will attack someone. Even though it's unlikely, it doesn't do any harm to keep your wits about you and listen to your instincts. That's not about being afraid or irrational, just cautious.

kingtut · 20-02-2018 07:00PM

Purple Mountain wrote: »

It is creepy but..and I know I'll face a backlash..the poster should really have made it clear he wanted her to stop.
She could argue that his silence wasn't a no.

Fair point however normally if I am texting someone and I don't receive a reply it's a fairly good indicator that they are busy and/or don't want to be bothered.

Greentopia · 20-02-2018 07:05PM

Deleted User wrote: »

I've just stopped trying. :pac: One time I crossed the road to ask a girl who was falling over in high-heels if she wanted me to call a taxi, she was absolutely mangled. Well-lit area, bit of traffic, but we were both going towards a much quieter area. An attempt at a shove and some drunken mumble-barking was enough for me to leave her. Now I just keep my head down, less hassle that way.

If you're that drunk though your perceptions of danger are skewed and you may perceive things not as they are and see danger where there is none. She would have known she was in a state where she was particularly vulnerable and wouldn't have been able to defend herself at all so she went into defensive mode when she saw you coming near her even if it appeared you meant no ill will towards her.
If she was sober she may have reacted completely differently if she fell and twisted her ankle in her high heels and been thankful to you for her help.

It was a kind gesture and please don't let it stop you from helping someone else who may be in harms way. The next person in trouble may be relying on you to help them just as you would want someone to assist you if you were in trouble and couldn't fend for yourself.

Imagine that girl was a sister or another female relative, you would like to think someone would come to their aid if they were in distress wouldn't you?

Chrongen · 20-02-2018 07:07PM

Tabnabs wrote: »

So basically nothing to do with the thread topic then, just sexual encounters you can recall?

Well they were uninvited, put it that way. It wasn't cases of a lead up to it and consent given.

banie01 · 20-02-2018 07:20PM

kingtut wrote: »

At a Dublin boards beers I met one particular girl who seemed to take a fancy to me despite me not reciprocating.

Over the following few weeks she would text a lot and every day send at least 1 photo (innocent enough at first however after a few weeks she ended up sending nudes).

I didn't ask her for any of it so it was pretty uncomfortable that she just kept going despite me not responding .... no clue if she is still active or not.

i had a similar experience with a work colleague that developed into full blown harrassment.
I had to seek Garda assistance at one stage.
I think I even posted on boards at the time regarding it.

Lady I knew through work/friends took a shine to me.
I wasn't aware of it until one night we were out and she got slightly worse for wear(or at least appeared to be) Her place was fairly close to where we out, so I said I'd walk her home.
We get to her place, and as I say goodbye to turn on my heel and get back to the party, she grabs my hand puts it up her dress and demonstrates her lack of umderwear and lobs the gob!

At the time I was single, but I wasnt interested in starting anything.
Pulled away, said we will put it down to a few too many but I have to get back and good night.

That led to @2yrs of constant harrassment. I was bombarded with messages and pictures. Everytime I went socialising in the city, she would appear.

I had to stop my friends tagging me on Facebook. I blocked her but then she would watch my friends FB feeds to see if they were out, and would show up wherever they were on the off chance I'd be there.

I live in a little cul de sac and I started getting messages from her commenting on my garden and the niceness of the area.
She became friendly with an elderly neighbour of mine and told her that she and I were seeing each other a while and that we were engaged!
I still dont know how she found out where I lived.

Following on from that when I started seeing my now wife, she put a picture of us on 1 of our 1st dates on FB.
Lady A saw it, and proceeded to have a meltdown.
As she was blocked from my FB, she posted a litany of threats against me on my local pubs FB page!
Ranting about how I was throwing away what we had, I'd used her, she cant believe I treated her the way the way I did, she'd win me back all the way up to and including that if she ever saw us out together she would destroy my GF's face!
These were the utterances of a mid/late 30's woman!

That was the last straw for me and led to me going to the Gardai.
It took quite a while for my worry to actually be taken seriously.
It wasn't until i spoke to a female member that any action was taken.

Male Gardaì and my friends could not understand why I had an issue with a pretty girl being "enthusiastic" about our relationship!
My mates were all banging on to take advantage and dont be silly.
It never surprises me how much leeway a pretty face can get in an instance like that.

She is an exceptionally pretty woman but by christ did she have me worried, uncomfortable and at one stage scared for my now wife's safety!

And I say that as 6'5" 17stone man...

Discodog · 20-02-2018 07:39PM

This video is excellent. I watched a program based on it & I still practice some of the techniques especially when I lived in London - & I am a guy.

Simple things like looking ahead & crossing the road if you are about to walk along trees or bushes. Noticing which houses have downstairs lights on etc.
Just simply not looking vulnerable.

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Taking-Control-Self-Defence-for-Women-keep-safe-Lynsey-de-Paul-/361345980137

andekwarhola · 20-02-2018 08:21PM

banie01 wrote: »

i had a similar experience with a work colleague that developed into full blown harrassment.
I had to seek Garda assistance at one stage.
I think I even posted on boards at the time regarding it.

Lady I knew through work/friends took a shine to me.
I wasn't aware of it until one night we were out and she got slightly worse for wear(or at least appeared to be) Her place was fairly close to where we out, so I said I'd walk her home.
We get to her place, and as I say goodbye to turn on my heel and get back to the party, she grabs my hand puts it up her dress and demonstrates her lack of umderwear and lobs the gob!

At the time I was single, but I wasnt interested in starting anything.
Pulled away, said we will put it down to a few too many but I have to get back and good night.

That led to @2yrs of constant harrassment. I was bombarded with messages and pictures. Everytime I went socialising in the city, she would appear.

I had to stop my friends tagging me on Facebook. I blocked her but then she would watch my friends FB feeds to see if they were out, and would show up wherever they were on the off chance I'd be there.

I live in a little cul de sac and I started getting messages from her commenting on my garden and the niceness of the area.
She became friendly with an elderly neighbour of mine and told her that she and I were seeing each other a while and that we were engaged!
I still dont know how she found out where I lived.

Following on from that when I started seeing my now wife, she put a picture of us on 1 of our 1st dates on FB.
Lady A saw it, and proceeded to have a meltdown.
As she was blocked from my FB, she posted a litany of threats against me on my local pubs FB page!
Ranting about how I was throwing away what we had, I'd used her, she cant believe I treated her the way the way I did, she'd win me back all the way up to and including that if she ever saw us out together she would destroy my GF's face!
These were the utterances of a mid/late 30's woman!

That was the last straw for me and led to me going to the Gardai.
It took quite a while for my worry to actually be taken seriously.
It wasn't until i spoke to a female member that any action was taken.

Male Gardaì and my friends could not understand why I had an issue with a pretty girl being "enthusiastic" about our relationship!
My mates were all banging on to take advantage and dont be silly.
It never surprises me how much leeway a pretty face can get in an instance like that.

She is an exceptionally pretty woman but by christ did she have me worried, uncomfortable and at one stage scared for my now wife's safety!

And I say that as 6'5" 17stone man...

Jesus Christ. Sounds like the plot of a movie

banie01 · 20-02-2018 09:06PM

andekwarhola wrote: »

Jesus Christ. Sounds like the plot of a movie

If it hadn't already happened me

I'd watch it!

erica74 · 20-02-2018 11:28PM

I have been reading this thread from the beginning and have tried typing this post a few times. Each time I've tried, I've deleted it all again because I've read something in the thread that has put me off posting.

Unfortunately, I have had a few unwanted experiences.
I was sexually abused by my brother for approx. 2 - 4 years when I was a child - I'm unsure on the time span because I have blocked a lot of it out. What I remember is awful, what I don't remember is a black space in my head filled with wondering what it is I don't remember and always the same question, is it worse than what I do remember? I don't think it would be helpful to anyone for me to go into detail about what I experienced.
I don't have any relationship with my brother now. Seeing his name, thinking his name, makes me feel physically sick. Last year, my sister (who was also abused by our brother) told my mother about the abuse and our mother pretty much didn't care (we grew up being physically and emotionally abused by our mother, she has severe mental health problems, which have never been treated) and has now disowned us.
We are actually going through the reporting process with Tusla at the moment and it's so scary. When I take in the enormity of everything, I feel so vulnerable.

Some other unwanted sexual experiences I have had include being grabbed between my legs more times than I can count. One that sticks out is once when I was in Tesco in The Square shopping with my Granny. I was pushing the trolley and my Granny was walking around looking at the shelves etc, I walked away from the trolley for a minute and next thing I knew, this kid ran around the corner and stuck his hand up my skirt and into my underwear. I think I was 14 or 15 at the time and the kid was maybe 8 - 10. I just remember freezing on the spot and my Granny came back around the corner and I told nobody.
Another time, my sister and I were in a nightclub and we were squeezing through the crowd. I remember my sister's face turning around in the darkness and the abyss of people and she looked so upset. We were holding hands and all of a sudden she grabbed my hand really hard. She shouted back to me "this guy just grabbed my lady business". I saw this creepy looking guy laughing, standing beside my sister and he went to put his arms around her. I saw red and punched him in the throat. He would have fallen backwards but the place was so packed that there was nowhere for him to fall so he just kind of staggered a bit against the people all around him. His friends started making a circle around us and I just grabbed my sister and ploughed through them and we got away. We told the bouncers and they didn't care.
My boobs have been grabbed, pulled out of tops, licked. I was sitting chatting to a friend in a pub once when this guy came up behind me and put both of his hands down my top and starting fiddling with my nipples. He didn't even seem that drunk. He was swiftly thrown out and in fairness to the pub, they gave my friend and I a few free drinks and were very apologetic about the whole incident.

For me, and I am only speaking for me, being groped, being felt up, being the recipent of unwanted sexual advances, has just been a part of life.

20-02-2018 11:33PM

erica74 wrote: »

I have been reading this thread from the beginning and have tried typing this post a few times. Each time I've tried, I've deleted it all again because I've read something in the thread that has put me off posting.

Unfortunately, I have had a few unwanted experiences.
I was sexually abused by my brother for approx. 2 - 4 years when I was a child - I'm unsure on the time span because I have blocked a lot of it out. What I remember is awful, what I don't remember is a black space in my head filled with wondering what it is I don't remember and always the same question, is it worse than what I do remember? I don't think it would be helpful to anyone for me to go into detail about what I experienced.
I don't have any relationship with my brother now. Seeing his name, thinking his name, makes me feel physically sick. Last year, my sister (who was also abused by our brother) told my mother about the abuse and our mother pretty much didn't care (we grew up being physically and emotionally abused by our mother, she has severe mental health problems, which have never been treated) and has now disowned us.
We are actually going through the reporting process with Tusla at the moment and it's so scary. When I take in the enormity of everything, I feel so vulnerable.

Some other unwanted sexual experiences I have had include being grabbed between my legs more times than I can count. One that sticks out is once when I was in Tesco in The Square shopping with my Granny. I was pushing the trolley and my Granny was walking around looking at the shelves etc, I walked away from the trolley for a minute and next thing I knew, this kid ran around the corner and stuck his hand up my skirt and into my underwear. I think I was 14 or 15 at the time and the kid was maybe 8 - 10. I just remember freezing on the spot and my Granny came back around the corner and I told nobody.
Another time, my sister and I were in a nightclub and we were squeezing through the crowd. I remember my sister's face turning around in the darkness and the abyss of people and she looked so upset. We were holding hands and all of a sudden she grabbed my hand really hard. She shouted back to me "this guy just grabbed my lady business". I saw this creepy looking guy laughing, standing beside my sister and he went to put his arms around her. I saw red and punched him in the throat. He would have fallen backwards but the place was so packed that there was nowhere for him to fall so he just kind of staggered a bit. His friends started making a circle around us and I just grabbed my sister and ploughed through them and we got away. We told the bouncers and they didn't care.
My boobs have been grabbed, pulled out of tops, licked. I was sitting chatting to a friend in a pub once when this guy came up behind me and put both of his hands down my top and starting fiddling with my nipples. He didn't even seem that drunk. He was swiftly thrown out and in fairness to the pub, they gave my friend and I a few free drinks and were very apologetic about the whole incident.

For me, and I am only speaking for me, being groped, being felt up, being the recipent of unwanted sexual advances, has just been a part of life.

I'm so sorry for what you went through, Erica. I hope you find healing.

I hope everyone who's had to deal with the suffering articulated on this thread does, it's upsetting to realize how much people go through.

Ninjini · 20-02-2018 11:34PM

Erica, I just wanted to say how much I admire your strength. I wish you and your sister the best and hope you both find some peace and healing x

Purple Mountain · 20-02-2018 11:37PM

erica74 wrote: »

I have been reading this thread from the beginning and have tried typing this post a few times. Each time I've tried, I've deleted it all again because I've read something in the thread that has put me off posting.

Unfortunately, I have had a few unwanted experiences.
I was sexually abused by my brother for approx. 2 - 4 years when I was a child - I'm unsure on the time span because I have blocked a lot of it out. What I remember is awful, what I don't remember is a black space in my head filled with wondering what it is I don't remember and always the same question, is it worse than what I do remember? I don't think it would be helpful to anyone for me to go into detail about what I experienced.
I don't have any relationship with my brother now. Seeing his name, thinking his name, makes me feel physically sick. Last year, my sister (who was also abused by our brother) told my mother about the abuse and our mother pretty much didn't care (we grew up being physically and emotionally abused by our mother, she has severe mental health problems, which have never been treated) and has now disowned us.
We are actually going through the reporting process with Tusla at the moment and it's so scary. When I take in the enormity of everything, I feel so vulnerable.

Some other unwanted sexual experiences I have had include being grabbed between my legs more times than I can count. One that sticks out is once when I was in Tesco in The Square shopping with my Granny. I was pushing the trolley and my Granny was walking around looking at the shelves etc, I walked away from the trolley for a minute and next thing I knew, this kid ran around the corner and stuck his hand up my skirt and into my underwear. I think I was 14 or 15 at the time and the kid was maybe 8 - 10. I just remember freezing on the spot and my Granny came back around the corner and I told nobody.
Another time, my sister and I were in a nightclub and we were squeezing through the crowd. I remember my sister's face turning around in the darkness and the abyss of people and she looked so upset. We were holding hands and all of a sudden she grabbed my hand really hard. She shouted back to me "this guy just grabbed my lady business". I saw this creepy looking guy laughing, standing beside my sister and he went to put his arms around her. I saw red and punched him in the throat. He would have fallen backwards but the place was so packed that there was nowhere for him to fall so he just kind of staggered a bit against the people all around him. His friends started making a circle around us and I just grabbed my sister and ploughed through them and we got away. We told the bouncers and they didn't care.
My boobs have been grabbed, pulled out of tops, licked. I was sitting chatting to a friend in a pub once when this guy came up behind me and put both of his hands down my top and starting fiddling with my nipples. He didn't even seem that drunk. He was swiftly thrown out and in fairness to the pub, they gave my friend and I a few free drinks and were very apologetic about the whole incident.

For me, and I am only speaking for me, being groped, being felt up, being the recipent of unwanted sexual advances, has just been a part of life.

You are very brave to post that Erica.
I wish you good luck and strength for what's ahead in relation to the reporting.
Research a good counsellor with experience in sexual abuse.
xx

Wibbs · 20-02-2018 11:52PM

erica74 wrote: »

For me, and I am only speaking for me, being groped, being felt up, being the recipent of unwanted sexual advances, has just been a part of life.

Fair play for posting those experiences Erica. I've heard pretty much the same reports of what you describe above to some degree or other from pretty much every woman I've known.

There exists a percentage of men that are responsible. I don't think most men who aren't within that percentage quite realise how much sexual attention itself, never mind of the nasty sort, that the average woman, particularly young woman is exposed to growing up and going about her world. And yes I can well understand many feeling a sense of vulnerability around men in general, because beyond obvious pricks it can be hard to tell. When one regards the rape and sexual assault statistics and see that the vast majority of same are perpetrated by men known to the victims and people they quite likely trust it's even more understandable.

It doesn't have to be a large percentage of men acting like this to have an effect. And IMO and in my experience it isn't a large percentage, but as a piss poor analogy; if you grew up in a country where just 1 in 10 snakes were poisonous yet looked like all the other snakes, you're going to be wary of snakes full stop.

*personal opinion* in some ways I feel that the worst of such assaults rape - and this may sound out there, but please bear with me - is a crime that of course needs the full weight of the law brought to bear, but I think it's the crime that in some ways gets too much attention and or obvious and good reasons. I think that what you and many many others describe as "being groped, being felt up, being the recipent of unwanted sexual advances" examples might be easier to actually "fix" with education and societal changes. And that in turn may help lower some of the rape stats too. Though it would be my humble that there are a small percentage of men(and sometimes women) who are just "born wrong" who will be sexual predators regardless. But we should be able to tackle the other stuff to a greater degree.

erica74 · 21-02-2018 12:02AM

I wasn't going to post this one. I really wasn't. I see these stories in the media all the time and then I read the comments and they tear away at me. This is the kind of story that I've read and seen the replies of "but why didn't she...?" This is what it is.

When I was 19, I was raped. It took me a long time to come to terms with this and it's still something I have difficulty with.
Basically, I was friends with a group of girls and a group of guys. We would all hang out together, 4 of the lads shared a house and it was the party house so after most nights out, we'd end up there. So there was a house party planned for Good Friday. I ate breakfast that morning and didn't have time to eat anything else that day but had been told there would be takeaway at the house. One of the guys had been making moves from the very first time I met him. I had a boyfriend (who was the brother of one of my female friends in the group of girls) and had no interest in this other guy.
So, anyway, Good Friday. We arrived at the house at around 5pm and we started drinking straight away. I asked about food a few times and was told it would be ordered later and then I was fobbed off a few times, until eventually I was heading towards drunk and forgot about it. I think other people were hungry but were doing the whole "eating is cheating" cool kids thing.
Next thing I remember is coming around (I won't say "waking up" because I don't know if I was asleep or blacked out or conscious but not aware I was conscious) and the guy was kissing me. I remember opening my eyes and seeing him beside me, he had his arm around me as if we were a regular couple smooching on the couch.
I then became aware that the room was empty, we were in the sitting room, where was everyone else? I heard the door at the other end of the room open (there was 2 doors in the sitting room) and one of the other guys put his head around the door. I remember reaching my hand out to him, I wanted him to help me but as I turned my head back around, I could see the guy shooing him away. I remember thinking my friend would come in and rescue me and shout at the guy but she never did.

Next thing I remember is the guy helping me upstairs. I thought he was bringing me up to sleep, I was seriously drunk, I couldn't walk up the stairs and kept tripping and I was swaying every time I stopped walking. I remember at the top of the stairs, I went to walk into one of the other bedrooms (it was a sort of spare room where the girls in the group could bunk in together) but he grabbed my hand and brought me to his room.
Next thing I remember is sitting on his bed while he took my clothes off. He was kissing me and I could barely hold my arms up, I could feel my head lolling around. Then I remember him raping me. I tried to push him off but I had no strength.
Then, strangely, I was all of a sudden sober. I became completely aware of what was going on. I started to think "if I shout for help, everyone will just think I'm in here cheating on my boyfriend". As I'm going through all of these scenarios in my head, this guy is throwing me around whatever way he wants and I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. Then my mind goes blank and I remember waking up the next morning in the bed beside him.
When I went downstairs, everyone was congregating and my friends asked me "where did you get to last night?" and I wanted to cry and scream and tell them but the room was full of people, hungover people, tired people, strange people so I just kept it in.

Over about 3 - 4 weeks, I stayed away from the guys and the house. I tried to put it all out of my mind, convincing myself that I wasn't raped and that I had cheated on my boyfriend but then I would remember sitting on the couch, reaching out to the other guy to rescue me or my head lolling around while the guy was kissing me on his bed.
Then I was out one night with the girls and we were getting a taxi back to someone's house, it turned out that the house was the house the guys shared. I tried to get dropped off somewhere else but my friends were having none of it. So when we got to the house, the guy acted like he didn't even know who myself and 2 of my friends were. Then later that night, I was asleep in one of the beds upstairs with my friend and the guy jumped in between us. He spent the night chatting to my friend with his hand in my underwear, being very very rough with me. I was frozen, I don't think I actually said a word for the whole night.

And then to add insult to injury, I ended up with an STI. I had been using condoms with my boyfriend so the likelihood is that I got it when the guy raped me. That was a horrible experience. At this stage I had broken up with my boyfriend (not because of the rape, things had kind of come to a natural end between us) and I couldn't tell any of my friends because I just couldn't admit I had been raped. So I had to go to the free STI Clinic in St. James's Hospital on my own. At that time, there was a queue before the Clinic even opened the door, you took a number and I think I spent 5 hours there that day and 4 and a half of that was just waiting around. I got interrogated by the staff and got scolded about safe sex and felt pretty humiliated by the end of it all and I didn't even have a friend to turn to. So I blocked it out, that's how I "deal" with things.

erica74 · 21-02-2018 12:05AM

Candie wrote: »

I'm so sorry for what you went through, Erica. I hope you find healing.

I hope everyone who's had to deal with the suffering articulated on this thread does, it's upsetting to realize how much people go through.

Ninjini wrote: »

Erica, I just wanted to say how much I admire your strength. I wish you and your sister the best and hope you both find some peace and healing x

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You are very brave to post that Erica.
I wish you good luck and strength for what's ahead in relation to the reporting.
Research a good counsellor with experience in sexual abuse.
xx

Wibbs wrote: »

Fair play for posting those experiences Erica. I've heard pretty much the same reports of what you describe above to some degree or other from pretty much every woman I've known.

There exists a percentage of men that are responsible. I don't think most men who aren't within that percentage quite realise how much sexual attention itself, never mind of the nasty sort, that the average woman, particularly young woman is exposed to growing up and going about her world. And yes I can well understand many feeling a sense of vulnerability around men in general, because beyond obvious pricks it can be hard to tell. When one regards the rape and sexual assault statistics and see that the vast majority of same are perpetrated by men known to the victims and people they quite likely trust it's even more understandable.

It doesn't have to be a large percentage of men acting like this to have an effect. And IMO and in my experience it isn't a large percentage, but as a piss poor analogy; if you grew up in a country where just 1 in 10 snakes were poisonous yet looked like all the other snakes, you're going to be wary of snakes full stop.

*personal opinion* in some ways I feel that the worst of such assaults rape - and this may sound out there, but please bear with me - is a crime that of course needs the full weight of the law brought to bear, but I think it's the crime that in some ways gets too much attention and or obvious and good reasons. I think that what you and many many others describe as "being groped, being felt up, being the recipent of unwanted sexual advances" examples might be easier to actually "fix" with education and societal changes. And that in turn may help lower some of the rape stats too. Though it would be my humble that there are a small percentage of men(and sometimes women) who are just "born wrong" who will be sexual predators regardless. But we should be able to tackle the other stuff to a greater degree.

Thanks everyone. I have been going to Counselling since September 2017 and it is a very very slow and difficult process. There are days when I wish I could just suck all the truth back in but then there are days when I feel free in being honest but it's all wavy for now. Anyway, I won't derail the thread.

21-02-2018 12:16AM

erica74 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I have been going to Counselling since September 2017 and it is a very very slow and difficult process. There are days when I wish I could just suck all the truth back in but then there are days when I feel free in being honest but it's all wavy for now. Anyway, I won't derail the thread.

Absolutely post all you want. Nobody here will begrudge you having your say. You deserve that. Nobody should ever have to keep anything like that in if they want to let it out. Spill away Erica.

Wibbs · 21-02-2018 12:24AM

erica74 wrote: »

Anyway, I won't derail the thread.

Eh, Erica, you are in NO way derailing the thread. Quite the opposite.

Ninjini · 21-02-2018 12:25AM

erica74 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I have been going to Counselling since September 2017 and it is a very very slow and difficult process. There are days when I wish I could just suck all the truth back in but then there are days when I feel free in being honest but it's all wavy for now. Anyway, I won't derail the thread.

If it's in any way cathartic, please continue to post all you want. This is why the thread is here. I really do admire your strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your stories, they have really resonated with me.

Have you ever had an unwanted sexual experience? Mod warning in op - updated 6/3/18

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