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Have you ever had an unwanted sexual experience? Mod warning in op - updated 6/3/18

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Comments

  • #392
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,387 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Outlaw Pete wrote: »
    As for situations beyond just mere handsy wimmins, I did see some bio energy healer guy (I know, but it was the 90's.. give me a break :p) who so obviously (now looking back) sexually assaulted me but at the time I genuinely thought it must have been how these clowns do their thing. It was just light touching and stuff but I had my eyes closed. I bet had I opened them I would have seen him whacking off. Creeps me out thinking about it. I did think of reporting it many years later but what Id have to say would be so damn vague and so I never bothered in the end. I'd say there's a can of worms to opened there with a lot of those unregulated alternative medicine guys as they have access to so many people at our most vulnerable. Hard enough getting medics investigated for impropriety.
    Interesting OP. For the real want of a better word. You're not the first person I've known to mention an element of sleaze(and worse) among the alternative health crowd. I had a personal experience, well once removed, with an ex girlfriend of mine and a "holistic healer" type. Hard to navigate as she was fully into his spiel, but it was well out of order. TBH I was at a real loss about what I could do to help her or deal with it. Frankly I wanted to kick his fcuking head in, but let's face it that would have gone badly and would be only a temporary satisfaction for me.

    Actually as an aside: how partners, in my case male partners deal with/help the situation is a hard enough position. "Just listen" is all very well, but it does little to fix the overall. Maybe it's just me, but I want to fix things. Stop it happening. Being an ear comes easy to me, being a fist metaphorically speaking would too, but that's where it gets knotty.

    I have heard of incidents of that kinda thing among the mainstream medical crowd, but far far less. Way more checks and balances going on there, especially in the last twenty years. The dodgy are weeded out with much more vigour than previously.
    meeeeh wrote:
    Once you ignore more severe offences most other stuff is a common experience among women (men too but probably in a lesser degree)
    I'd say the lesser degree is down to the previously noted physical threat aspect. Women are simply more vulnerable in that regard. I'm not saying men can't be vulnerable. Of course they can be and are - and the whole manly man thing where a guy might freeze in such a situation and feel ashamed about that is in play - but, generally speaking for a pervert it's plainly riskier taking liberties with a grown man.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #393
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,612 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I'd say the lesser degree is down to the previously noted physical threat aspect. Women are simply more vulnerable in that regard. I'm not saying men can't be vulnerable. Of course they can be and are - and the whole manly man thing where a guy might freeze in such a situation and feel ashamed about that is in play - but, generally speaking for a pervert it's plainly riskier taking liberties with a grown man.

    Yeah it's about power and often there is very little desire involved. Most of the minor hassle I had was not from my school mates or boys/men of my age. They would be a little bit older or from another country and scared of girls their own age or peer group so they had to fed their ego by harassing someone they perceived less threatening. My body type didn't help. Similarly the two girls who were grabbing boy's for their crotch and squeezing didn't do it out of some sexual desire. They did it because they could get away with hurting them.


  • #394
    Mushrooms on Pizza
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2 ✭Mushrooms on Pizza


    Didn't want to post under my real account so made a temporary fake account to post in this thread, sorry mods il delete it again soon...


    Female posting by the way but yeah...I was sexually abused by a family member as a child. And similar to what another poster described, I have a days where I want to take a cheese grater to myself because I don't feel 'clean' in my own skin.
    But I'm not to be pitied, this person wasted their life drinking themselves to death and will leave this world with nothing to show for their life. I won't let that happen to me, I'm already taking the steps to better my life and those in my community. I'm not saying I'm going to save the world, obviously I can't do that but il try leave this world having helped somebody else at least!!

    When I was a young teenager I was at a public event with my younger sibling when I felt somebody brushing up behind me, I thought nothing of it and put it down to the place being crowded and people were naturally brushing past me. It kept happening and eventually I turned around to see there wasn't a crowd behind me but a fat old man rubbing himself on me. I just grabbed my sibling and got the fùck out of there. It left me feeling disgusted and confused and annoyed for a while after.

    As I've gotten older I've had the, what it seems from reading this thread, very common gropings on nights out.

    Also had a man 'accidentally' brush his hand across my arse a few times in an old workplace, luckily he was relief staff and I didn't have to see him everyday in work, told my manager and he wasn't asked back to help out on busy days again.




    Gaaaaaaahhhhh that was therapeutic!


  • #395
    JupiterKid
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 14,960 ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    Whoops - that is shocking g despicable I hope the administration s on boards do the received things and get rid of that disgusting creep or at least strip him of mod status.

    It's posts like yours that make question if I really want to post on AH or even boards.ie anymore.


  • #396
    tritium
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,793 ✭✭✭tritium


    RDM_83 again wrote: »
    I can't judge your views on it because it's all a personal thing but in my own experience*(generally older women) as someone who's look changed quiet a lot , this sort of stuff fell of a cliff when I began to look much more adult/serious.
    It changed the way I look on it I think because rather than it just being an annoyance or invasion of space it was a behaviour that occured because I didn't present myself as someone who could handle/assert themselves

    E.g it's about taking liberties with someone that's wont stand up to themselves rather than attraction or misjudged flirting.
    That said as a poster who bounces previously said they experience it a lot maybe I'm misjudging it.


    *Which is really not that serious in the context of some of this stuff on the thread.

    Reading this thread this is kind of nail on the head. It’s kind of disturbing how many people on here have experiences of grown adult men and women taking advantage of them when they were basically kids or in a position where they were vulnerable and couldn’t or wouldn’t make an issue of it.

    I doubt many of the perpetrators would look back and see it as anything more than acting the maggot, especially for the most common grabbing the balls/ copping a quick feel stuff. I suspect it’s a relatively small number of assholes rather than a widespread thing, but it’s sad nonetheless (I do wonder how many people anonymously reading this thread out there have at some time engaged in this themselves though when on a hen/ stag or pissed on holiday).


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  • #397
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    Wibbs wrote:
    Please show me just one example in this thread where anyone has suggested such experiences are the victims fault. Just one will do. Otherwise your argument is based on nothing.


    Stonedpilot told the OP to run off to the guards for a start. And a few people have accused whoops of lying. Not sure if you're reading the same thread?


  • #398
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    Ajsoprano wrote:
    How dare he talk with a level head and sense in a thread where somebody can get thanks by demanding somebodies life is ruined when they haven’t all the facts.


    Talk about hyperbole. Who wants to ruin anyone's life? If getting banned from boards ruins someone's life they need to take a long hard look at themselves.


  • #399
    Zulu
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,967 ✭✭✭✭Zulu


    Cant we just fu*king drop it. Please. The thread has moved on Pilly, it'd be great if you could too.


  • #400
    pilly
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,005 ✭✭✭pilly


    Zulu wrote:
    Cant we just fu*king drop it. Please. The thread has moved on Pilly, it'd be great if you could too.


    Are you a mod?


  • #401
    NI24
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 641 ✭✭✭NI24


    He's only offering an opinion Zulu. As a poster here said, we don't want to converse in an echo chamber. And pilly's absolutely right. Getting fired from a volunteer position on an anonymous forum is as far away from ruining someone's life as it can be.
    Three words for someone who thinks like that: DRA.MA.KWEEN.


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  • #402
    arybvtcw0eolkf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24,608 ✭✭✭✭arybvtcw0eolkf


    JupiterKid wrote: »
    Whoops - that is shocking g despicable I hope the administration s on boards do the received things and get rid of that disgusting creep or at least strip him of mod status.

    It's posts like yours that make question if I really want to post on AH or even boards.ie anymore.

    I've wondered a few times is the prick even reading this thread, and if so does it mean anything to him that we think he's a disgusting, creepy little prick.


  • #403
    georgina toadbum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 364 ✭✭georgina toadbum


    Alexis Ambitious Wax wrote: »
    I've wondered a few times is the prick even reading this thread, and if so does it mean anything to him that we think he's a disgusting, creepy little prick.

    Probably doesn't see anything wrong with what he did.


  • #404
    arybvtcw0eolkf
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24,608 ✭✭✭✭arybvtcw0eolkf


    georgina toadbum wrote: »
    Probably doesn't see anything wrong with what he did.

    Most likely, after all he took the bump up to Cmod and seen another Cmod step down because of it and he decided to keep his position.

    As someone who'd been a moderator on a few forum here I'm not intimidated by a mod position, tbh its a ridiculous position where you're volunteering your own free time to make someone else money.

    Like a lot of people here I've some personal experiences which I wouldn't post about here, not without making an alternative account name, and this one is cutting pretty close to the bone for me.

    I know Whoops probably didn't want this to develop beyond a single AH post, but for a few of us its picked the scab off healing wounds.


  • #405
    KyussB
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,314 ✭✭✭KyussB


    Wow this thread is weird in the judgements people make.

    Woman hits a guy, guy hits back in self defence = grossly disproportionate, has the strength to hurt the woman way more - woman-beating shíte.

    Guy motorboats a woman, woman smashes a glass over the guys head = well done for retaliating! (How dare anyone question this! You're the reason women don't speak up about sexual assault!)


    As an attitude coming from otherwise normal men/women, it does a pretty good job of highlighting one of the more prevalent and longstanding sexist attitudes in society - it's like the idea of a proportionate response only applies to guys, and that serious physical assault that could easily result in killing someone, is fine from a woman so long as she's been sexually assaulted in a far less serious way.

    Fúcking bizarre.


  • #406
    PandaPoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,978 ✭✭✭PandaPoo


    One that's always annoyed me was my mams boss calling to the house. She wasn't home so I told him that and he chatted for a few minutes. He was in his 60s and I would have been around 13.
    I was wearing a nike jumper and he said it was nice, he ran his fingers along the tick across my chest. Back and forth while I just stood there terrified! I don't know if it's related but I wear a bra 24/7 now. I hate the feeling of anything brushing off my boobs, I feel violated.

    Anyway my friend was in the sitting room and I remember running in to her and making a joke out of it. We still joke about it to this day but it was weird and inappropriate.


  • #407
    missyb01
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 73 ✭✭missyb01


    myself and my mother still talk about it to this day and she says that she regrets never doing anything about it:

    My mam's closest friend lived two doors away and her and her husband had no children. The husband was very involved in the church and did the church collection, delivered leaflets for them etc. Everybody in the estate loved this man and he was brought into homes for cups of teas and a chat. But before he left he always wanted a kiss and a feel of the little girls in the house. Never the mothers or the boys. He would chase you around the living room and when he got you, he would kiss you all over the face including the lips, get a feel of your inner thigh and grab your bum. This went on from the time I was 6 or 7 til about 9. I cried when he left one day after he had dragged me from between two chairs (where i had gone to hide from him) for a kiss and cuddle. I begged my mam to tell him to stop. She did and eventually, he stopped calling to the house. Sadly my mam said that the innocence of the time, almost 30 years, she thought it was all a bit of a joke and a laugh.


  • #408
    wakka12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    missyb01 wrote: »
    myself and my mother still talk about it to this day and she says that she regrets never doing anything about it:

    My mam's closest friend lived two doors away and her and her husband had no children. The husband was very involved in the church and did the church collection, delivered leaflets for them etc. Everybody in the estate loved this man and he was brought into homes for cups of teas and a chat. But before he left he always wanted a kiss and a feel of the little girls in the house. Never the mothers or the boys. He would chase you around the living room and when he got you, he would kiss you all over the face including the lips, get a feel of your inner thigh and grab your bum. This went on from the time I was 6 or 7 til about 9. I cried when he left one day after he had dragged me from between two chairs (where i had gone to hide from him) for a kiss and cuddle. I begged my mam to tell him to stop. She did and eventually, he stopped calling to the house. Sadly my mam said that the innocence of the time, almost 30 years, she thought it was all a bit of a joke and a laugh.

    What a vile creature, feel a bit sick


  • #409
    Greentopia
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,221 ✭✭✭Greentopia


    Yes, I can't imagine any woman has escaped without at least one bad experience.

    Thankfully nobody knows me here on boards so I'll recount a few.

    When I was about 8 I was waiting outside a shop for my Dad and a local guy came over to me and started talking to me. Instinctively I knew his motives were not benign and so did my Dad when he came out and saw this guy. He had words with him and he scarpered. That's the first I can remember.

    I was offered money to play an arcade game then groped in an amusement arcade by a disgusting old guy when I was about 12. I still remember the intense shame I felt when I turned around and saw the owner of the place looking straight at us. I felt he thought it was me who had done something wrong. Now I know differently but it still smarts when I think of it.
    He didn't come over and tell the guy to leave either or ask me if I was ok :rolleyes:

    I had a taxi driver put his hand between my legs years later after a night out. I stopped him before he went any further and got out as fast as I could. Should have reported him to the company. If it was now I wouldn't hesitate.

    Other instances have been a serious sexual assault by an ex 15 years ago when he didn't like when I broke up with him. I went to the police (not Irish, I was living in another country at the time) and wanted to press charges but he knew he could make my life hell and he did until I agreed to drop the charges-I had no family or support system there apart from one friend. I felt like such an idiot when I went to the police again-they really wanted me to proceed with charges.

    It's Scandinavia where women are not afraid to press charges against a sexual attacker and not put through hell by the courts like in Ireland, and chances are my ex would have gone to jail for what he did. Oh that the Irish justice system was as fair to women. :(

    I've been groped and accosted several times by guys in bars and clubs back home. One guy reacted angrily when I pushed him away and threatened to smash his glass of beer into my face.

    That's the dilemma you face as a woman-fight back and you risk possible violent retaliation if the guy is one of these insecure men who takes it as a big ego blow that you've turned his often drunken advances down; or placate him until you can get away from him, then feel angry that that's what is often necessary to do in order not to get a violent response, because men have a strength advantage and they know it.
    It's not as simple as "oh why didn't you just push him away?".
    Not when you're a 5'5" slightly built woman, nor even if you're bigger as the vast majority of the time the guy will be the bigger and stronger one.

    Thankfully my days of going to clubs and bars back home are finished and one of the reasons I avoid crowded Irish pubs at night is because of drunken creeps and the fear for my safety, plus it's not my scene anymore. I really hate being around drunk people anyway, they're unpredictable and can turn an enjoyable night into a shambles even if you're not the target of their attentions.


  • #410
    Bambi985
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,274 ✭✭✭Bambi985


    Wow, the amount of blatant sexual assaults against children as outlined by this thread is beyond disturbing. Are there really that many paedophiles out there?


  • #411
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    missyb01 wrote: »
    myself and my mother still talk about it to this day and she says that she regrets never doing anything about it:

    My mam's closest friend lived two doors away and her and her husband had no children. The husband was very involved in the church and did the church collection, delivered leaflets for them etc. Everybody in the estate loved this man and he was brought into homes for cups of teas and a chat. But before he left he always wanted a kiss and a feel of the little girls in the house. Never the mothers or the boys. He would chase you around the living room and when he got you, he would kiss you all over the face including the lips, get a feel of your inner thigh and grab your bum. This went on from the time I was 6 or 7 til about 9. I cried when he left one day after he had dragged me from between two chairs (where i had gone to hide from him) for a kiss and cuddle. I begged my mam to tell him to stop. She did and eventually, he stopped calling to the house. Sadly my mam said that the innocence of the time, almost 30 years, she thought it was all a bit of a joke and a laugh.

    Chilling. I'd say this kind of post will resonate with a lot of people.


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  • #412
    Tefral
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,417 ✭✭✭Tefral


    Some of the stuff in this thread its absolutely mental.

    I've had nothing more than a few women grab my arse or crotch in pubs over the years. I worked in a multinational company where I was bending over one day to get parts out of a box on the ground when my supervisor grabbed my arse then slapped it. I laughed it off. She was sound though.

    I woke up after one too many at a party once to a girl giving me a blowjob. I didn't stop her when I realised what was happening but I suppose its not really consent if its started and I was passed out.


  • #413
    Mollyb60
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,950 ✭✭✭Mollyb60


    Just after I had started college in the big schmoke I was heading to get the bus home after being in the pub. Maybe 10pm. I was walking down a deserted Henry St when a huge guy approached me and told me that I was beautiful and could he have my phone number. I think he even touched my hair to say he loved red heads. Can't remember what I said but it was something along the lines of 'thanks but no'. I walked on and the guy proceeded to follow me the whole way down to my bus stop at the bottom of Abbey St. He was maybe 2 steps behind me the whole way. I was so terrified.

    I remember thinking when all this me too stuff started coming out that I had never been a victim but when I thought back about it all the casual ass grabs or boob squeezes by guys, the leechy perving down my top or leaning into me when I'm at a bar, it made me rethink. I've nothing as serious as some people here but I would say that every single woman, barring none, has experienced some form of sexual harassment in their lives.


  • #414
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    missyb01 wrote: »
    myself and my mother still talk about it to this day and she says that she regrets never doing anything about it:

    My mam's closest friend lived two doors away and her and her husband had no children. The husband was very involved in the church and did the church collection, delivered leaflets for them etc. Everybody in the estate loved this man and he was brought into homes for cups of teas and a chat. But before he left he always wanted a kiss and a feel of the little girls in the house. Never the mothers or the boys. He would chase you around the living room and when he got you, he would kiss you all over the face including the lips, get a feel of your inner thigh and grab your bum. This went on from the time I was 6 or 7 til about 9. I cried when he left one day after he had dragged me from between two chairs (where i had gone to hide from him) for a kiss and cuddle. I begged my mam to tell him to stop. She did and eventually, he stopped calling to the house. Sadly my mam said that the innocence of the time, almost 30 years, she thought it was all a bit of a joke and a laugh.

    There were a few middle aged women that used to do pretty much the same thing with me as a small kid. With their stinky breath. Always hated it.


  • #415
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    Mollyb60 wrote: »
    Just after I had started college in the big schmoke I was heading to get the bus home after being in the pub. Maybe 10pm. I was walking down a deserted Henry St when a huge guy approached me and told me that I was beautiful and could he have my phone number. I think he even touched my hair to say he loved red heads. Can't remember what I said but it was something along the lines of 'thanks but no'. I walked on and the guy proceeded to follow me the whole way down to my bus stop at the bottom of Abbey St. He was maybe 2 steps behind me the whole way. I was so terrified.

    Compared to some of the other accounts this looks completely innocent on the surface - and is the kind of thing that gives #MeToo a bad name.

    "I think he even touched my hair" ... you should be SURE.

    Go to any latin country and this will happen you every 5 minutes - particularly as a redhead.

    How do you know he was following you and not just going in the same direction? Was he saying anything to you?


  • #416
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    Greentopia wrote: »
    It's Scandinavia where women are not afraid to press charges against a sexual attacker and not put through hell by the courts like in Ireland, and chances are my ex would have gone to jail for what he did. Oh that the Irish justice system was as fair to women. :(

    What do they do different in Scandinavia?


  • #417
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    professore wrote: »
    Compared to some of the other accounts this looks completely innocent on the surface - and is the kind of thing that gives #MeToo a bad name.

    "I think he even touched my hair" ... you should be SURE.

    Go to any latin country and this will happen you every 5 minutes - particularly as a redhead.

    How do you know he was following you and not just going in the same direction? Was he saying anything to you?

    Are some men really so lacking in self awareness that they can't see how this could be intimidating to a woman?


  • #418
    .......
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,048 ✭✭✭.......


    This post has been deleted.


  • #419
    Greentopia
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,221 ✭✭✭Greentopia


    professore wrote: »
    What do they do different in Scandinavia?

    I don't know what it's like now but when I lived there (Sweden)) over 20% of reported rapes were prosecuted-still very small percentage but way higher than Ireland. They have the highest reported rates of rape in Europe-not because rape is actually more prevalent there (or at least not when I was there), but because the legal definition of rape is the widest in the world.
    Each incidence of penetration is counted as one charge of rape so that say a guy rapes or assaults a woman 3 times in a single time frame it's counted as three charges of rape/assault, not one.

    I found that there was a much higher confidence in the criminal justice system in general there so these crimes get reported more, and statistics apparently show a greater willingness among Swedish women to report rape in relationships.

    Personally I found the Swedish police could not have been kinder and took my story very seriously. I was treated with dignity and respect at all times. There was good follow up even when I said I didn't wish to proceed with a case against my ex. I was given lots of information on support services and all kinds of help available. I got the feeling resources and funding were much better for this than back home.

    Unfortunately because of my situation I was not in a position to go through with a case against my ex, but I got excellent free counselling and psychological help afterwards that helped me move on from there.


  • #420
    Mushrooms on Pizza
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2 ✭Mushrooms on Pizza


    Bambi985 wrote: »
    Are there really that many paedophiles out there?

    Yes, there are...I know somebody 'in the know' shall we say and they said it's extremely depressing and scary the amount of them out there.

    I'd rather not think about it


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  • #421
    dudeeile
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,146 ✭✭✭dudeeile


    Conspectus wrote: »
    Also, If someone wants to post anonymously they can do so in the personal issues forum located here https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=127

    Also, your name and IP address will not be shown to the general public. However, this cannot be abused, please. The owners/Administrators of boards.ie do have the powers to view any post's IP address but only as a last resort.

    Just for a bit of clarity regarding anonymity, is it not true that mods and above can view IP addresses of any poster?


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