Have you ever had an unwanted sexual experience? Mod warning in op - updated 6/3/18

Tell me how · 19-02-2018 10:06AM

leggo wrote:

Can we not make this a #NotAllMen debate please? Iâ€™ve posted stuff about experiences with women, a fair few guys have posted other stuff about experiences with other men and women, nobody is being directly outed or shamed. Itâ€™s just a thread where people are sharing stories. Can we leave the gender war for elsewhere?

Hang on, the direction the conversation took is not entirely unreasonable given the context of the discussion.

This is a discussion board, simple posts and likes is what Facebook is for.

leggo · 19-02-2018 10:07AM

Tell me how wrote: »

I don't think it's being downplayed in a dismissive sense as such but you can't suggest filming someone equates to sexual assault. The poster herself said she doesn't consider it assault.

It's messed up and disconcerting but to go from there to an automatic court conviction is excessive and misleading.

Where are all these posts calling it sexual assault and convicting him? I must’ve missed that. I’ve seen a bunch of posts saying that it’s messed up that, with witnesses, boards ignored it and promoted him (and it is messed up) and a bunch of posts going “WOAH GUYS, nobody got sexually assaulted!” But none of these posts claiming she actually got assaulted or suggesting someone go to prison.

So, like, if people were imagining that as a way to downplay her experience and what the other guy did...that’d also be pretty messed up.

leggo · 19-02-2018 10:10AM

Tell me how wrote: »

Hang on, the direction the conversation took is not entirely unreasonable given the context of the discussion.

This is a discussion board, simple posts and likes is what Facebook is for.

Yeah and I’m not a mod, so in the same way if we were in a pub and some lads tried to turn every conversation into giving out about their wives and a bunch of people were fed up with it...I’m asking if we can not have the exact same conversation for the millionth time, not demanding.

professore · 19-02-2018 10:16AM

Agreed on less of the gender wars. I used to do it in the beginning when this me too thing went overboard, but now it's a waste of time especially here where most people are reasonable, and it's just clouding the main point.

arybvtcw0eolkf · 19-02-2018 10:20AM

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

Jesus lads. I wasn't expecting such a reaction to my post. Probably very naively. It happened in 2014, I was training for a particular event and wasn't drinking so I haven't misinterpreted anything. It wasn't even the filming that got me, it was the statement that it was only for him and not AH. I definitely do not consider it sexual assault. Harassment possibly. Creepy for sure.

A mod from that particular category who had been there actually stepped down from modding as soon as he became cmod and gave their reasons for doing so.

I won't be outting him and I won't be commenting on it further. There are far more serious incidents on this thread alone so I shall bow out and leave other people to tell their stories.

And btw, I really couldn't give a shyte if anyone doesn't believe me. It's no skin off my nose

Doesn't matter it was 2014, tbh its worse that you've been put in a position for the last four years where you felt you'd be banned because of this creep's Cmod position and boards.ie's inaction.

Right to my own experiences.

I worked as a bouncer (mostly in the Templebar area) for over twenty years, and during that time I've been groped probably hundred's of times.

Girls do it for laughs, I don't feel sexually assaulted or abused but getting grabbed by the balls is fooking sore.

I've had only three that I can recall where girls actually tried to force their hand down the front of my trousers, and one girl who followed me into toilets and insisted on grabbing me mid flow on one of the few times I'd actually use a urinal (bouncers are prone to assault at urinals and most use a cubicle).

When I was a young teen I was 'on the hop' from school and hanging out in Stephens Green when a Christian brother got chatting to me, then turned the chat to masterbation and tried touching my leg, I got up and left.

Wibbs · 19-02-2018 10:27AM

bluewolf wrote: »

Do we really have to turn a thread where people are sharing very personal and hard stories into yet more "well actually"s and devils advocates and "that didn't actually happen you imagined it"?

As usual your imagination runs away with you. I can't recall anyone saying "that didn't actually happen you imagined it". Point one out please and thanks.

leggo wrote: »

Can we not make this a #NotAllMen debate please? I’ve posted stuff about experiences with women, a fair few guys have posted other stuff about experiences with other men and women, nobody is being directly outed or shamed. It’s just a thread where people are sharing stories. Can we leave the gender war for elsewhere?

I have no bloody idea how you got gender war from any part of my quoted post. You're bringing it in. I merely suggested that maybe automatically assuming guilt by accusation and mob rule is not a good thing to get into on any matter. Maybe some would be happy with Salem witch trial style "justice". I'm not.

And yes someone has been pointed at and with some detail, enough to be looking at people suspiciously. With a fair few calling for heads to roll and names to be publicly disseminated.

razorblunt · 19-02-2018 10:28AM

Bredabe wrote: »

I was born before the age of consent, so it was ok/I was whinging if I complained that so and so put his arm around me or tried to grab a boob. Women learned to move fast away from wandering hands or men trying to coerce them into something the woman would end up getting blamed for.

The weird advantage of that is...I can still say a solid, take me seriously NO, I know where to injure a man to change his focus and drive very fast in a straight line.

If only I had eyes in the back of my head and could see the types who seem to find my bum irresistibly pinchable.

Aren't we all born before the age of consent?

Baggly · 19-02-2018 10:47AM

Wibbs wrote: »

As usual your imagination runs away with you. I can't recall anyone saying "that didn't actually happen you imagined it". Point one out please and thanks.

I have no bloody idea how you got gender war from any part of my quoted post. You're bringing it in. I merely suggested that maybe automatically assuming guilt by accusation and mob rule is not a good thing to get into on any matter. Maybe some would be happy with Salem witch trial style "justice". I'm not.

And yes someone has been pointed at and with some detail, enough to be looking at people suspiciously. With a fair few calling for heads to roll and names to be publicly disseminated.

I dont think you brought in gender wars into this discussion, but looking back over your posts in this thread (at this point in time you are second highest poster in the thread), you do seem to be fulfilling the 'devils advocate' role that Bluewolf suggested earlier.

You havent answered the question in the thread title or added to the discussion beyond trying to make sure everyone doesnt jump to assumptions or engage in mob behaviour.

I dont need your help to do either of the above, and i reckon there are plenty more people reading this thread who dont either.

What i believe you are doing (not intentionally i hope) with your posts is mitigating and discouraging people who have had unwanted sexual experiences from sharing their stories, and i believe the thread is a poorer one for that.

leggo · 19-02-2018 10:48AM

Wibbs wrote: »

I have no bloody idea how you got gender war from any part of my quoted post. You're bringing it in. I merely suggested that maybe automatically assuming guilt by accusation and mob rule is not a good thing to get into on any matter. Maybe some would be happy with Salem witch trial style "justice". I'm not.

And yes someone has been pointed at and with some detail, enough to be looking at people suspiciously. With a fair few calling for heads to roll and names to be publicly disseminated.

But nobody is getting 'justice' here. Despite a couple people initially calling for it, Whoops has said she won't name names and everyone has respected that since. That's probably the right call on her part. There does deserve to be questions asked about boards based on what she's claimed and the dearth of silence on their behalf on the matter.

And yeah, you have made it a gender war. Your exact example was that the pendulum had swung too much from women not being believed to men automatically being blamed. But this isn't a men vs women discussion. Both men and women have posted experiences about other men and women. You're making it men vs women. We were talking about rapey pricks vs not rapey pricks before that.

So let's flip it a bit: what is it you want? Like from Whoops, who everyone here would recognise as a decent-seeming poster not inclined to make wild, baseless accusations, what is it you want with her? To not talk? To not be believed? To have her character and story examined within an inch of its life instead of asking questions about boards?

If you want to put what you don't want from victims of awful behaviour on the table (because, you know, what WIBBS wants and doesn't want to see is what's important here...), put what you do want instead on the table too.

Tom Mann Centuria · 19-02-2018 10:51AM

So we've moved the thread from its origins to boards talking about boards, for a change.

eviltwin · 19-02-2018 10:54AM

Can we not have people post their experience without it becoming political please? There are as many men posting negative experiences as women. Getting into a debate is taking away from the posts imo. Some people have suffered greatly, that should be what we are angry about. I'm sorry for everyone who has a story to tell.

19-02-2018 11:05AM

I was in a late bar one night when I was about 21 and had a fairly short dress on with no tights, which is unusual for me. Anyway this man (about my Dad’s age) stuck his fingers up my dress and into my knickers...I turned around and hit him in the face and he denied it! Even-though there were a few witnesses. Thankfully the bouncers kicked him out.

wakka12 · 19-02-2018 11:30AM

That story about the 5 year old boy in the bedroom with the 18 year old made me so sad. He's still out there..no repercussions for the years of pain he caused that man

Tell me how · 19-02-2018 11:36AM

I think the people arguing against Wibb's concerns are proving his point to be honest.

Katgurl · 19-02-2018 11:47AM

Yes and also the story of the boy who woke up in bed with the man in his 40s. Awful to never really know what happened...

I have had a few, will just post one.

I always hated going through airport security but never thought much about why and it wasn't till my mid-twenties I was pulled over to be checked. I felt wild panic rising but all the woman did was pat down my sides. I burst into tears with relief and couldn't explain it to my friends. I never gave it much thought afterwards.

In therapy years later I had a memory; I was coming back from a trip on my own as a child. I had been visiting my dad but flying alone. My parents had broken up the year before. My mum and siblings were waiting to collect me. The air hostess presumably had escorted me a certian portion but I went through security alone. A woman there took me behind the machine and grabbed my boobs and me in between the legs really roughly. That's all that happened and doesn't sound very dramatic but it was. I remember walking through to my family and the feeling of being removed from them. It's hard to explain.

professore · 19-02-2018 12:00PM

Tell me how wrote: »

I think the people arguing against Wibb's concerns are proving his point to be honest.

No one is questioning any of the men's accounts. That says a lot. whoops just told a story, and didn't name names, and says there were plenty of witnesses. If she was levelling false accusations she would name names. Also no one said it was rape or sexual assault. Sexual harassment for sure. Creepy weird behaviour.

wexie · 19-02-2018 12:04PM

sugarman wrote: »

For me, it's usually just horney aul wans going for a pinch or a grope.. nothing in comparison, but still unwanted all the same.

I use to be a waiter for a lot of events with aul wans in an 'advanced state of refreshedness' and can't even begin to count the amount of times I've had the various body parts pinched,groped, rubbed or otherwise fondled.

Seeing as I was young free and single at the time I remember finding the worst part that half the time I hadn't even noticed who it was while trying to make my way through a crowd with a tray of drinks. (even though I was well aware it was probably better that I didn't know most of the time).

Yet I wouldn't like to have to see a young girl put up with the same.

I wonder if I'm the only one with this double standard and what people make of it?

And I wonder, if a young waiter punched some aul one in the face for groping him would he get the same kind of support his female colleagues might get??

kylith · 19-02-2018 12:11PM

The first I remember was being groped by some auld fella in a shop in Stephen’s Green.

I was molested by a family member over a period of months when I was 13.

At a house party I was corned by some guy comes out his mind until I agreed to go out with him.

More recently I got a hand up my skirt in The Shire bar in Killarney. Unfortunately it was too packed for me to see who did it.

sbsquarepants · 19-02-2018 12:11PM

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater wrote: »

What I have taken from this thread is that Galway is full of perverts.

....and that whoops has great legs, eh..... allegedly;)

That's sleazy as fúck behaviour, but it's probably just the modern day equivalent of staring, seems like every bastard films everything these days.
As for myself, I've had the usual - groping by tanked up women, hen do's mostly. Jaysus some women can get awfull touchy feely when they drink, but I reckon it's different when it's a group of women grabbing a bloke.
I know you're not supposed to say that cos we're all equal these days, but I still reckon it's far worse when men grab hold of women than the other way round.

I did once wake up sometime after a house party with a girl I'd only briefly met that night performing oral on me, which I suppose could be classed as a bit weird and creepy - but the fact is I got right into it once I woke up, so I couldn't honestly say it was unwanted attention.

Quite risky on her part though, I certainly wouldn't have done it.

wexie · 19-02-2018 12:14PM

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I know you're not supposed to say that cos we're all equal these days, but I still reckon it's far worse when men grab hold of women than the other way round.

I'm glad to see it's not just me who thinks this.

It's a bit odd though isn't it?

Wibbs · 19-02-2018 12:20PM

Pter wrote: »

I dont think you brought in gender wars into this discussion, but looking back over your posts in this thread (at this point in time you are second highest poster in the thread), you do seem to be fulfilling the 'devils advocate' role that Bluewolf suggested earlier. You havent answered the question in the thread title or added to the discussion beyond trying to make sure everyone doesnt jump to assumptions or engage in mob behaviour.

Well god forbid anyone might suggest some mature consideration of the subject. I consider that "adding to the discussion", or do you just want an echo chamber and no discussion? Grand if the thread hadn't publicly accused a likely identifiable individual and more than a few calling for heads to roll.

I dont need your help to do either of the above, and i reckon there are plenty more people reading this thread who dont either.

And plenty who apparently do.

What i believe you are doing (not intentionally i hope) with your posts is mitigating and discouraging people who have had unwanted sexual experiences from sharing their stories, and i believe the thread is a poorer one for that.

Oh I'm sorry, so suggesting caution about public accusations is discouraging people now?

leggo wrote: »

And yeah, you have made it a gender war. Your exact example was that the pendulum had swung too much from women not being believed to men automatically being blamed..

As an example of a collective "mob" thinking and both being bad.

So let's flip it a bit: what is it you want? Like from Whoops, who everyone here would recognise as a decent-seeming poster not inclined to make wild, baseless accusations, what is it you want with her? To not talk? To not be believed? To have her character and story examined within an inch of its life instead of asking questions about boards?

...and here we go with the dishonest strawman victimhood ballsology. Cue "victim blaming" stage right.

OK so since you're so sure of my position: Please point out where I said she shouldn't be believed. Please point out where I said she shouldn't talk. Please point out where I asked for her character and story to be examined. I'll give you a clue, you won't find it. Not outside your fevered imagination.

Just in case you missed it:

My first post on the matter. wrote:

True AJ, however concentrating on someone's body parts to get a private "thrill" is well out of bloody order. Calling it "sexual assault" is an upgrade to exaggeration in this poster's opinion(though par for the times)[edit the "sexual assault" tag was an admitted misreading by another poster], but it is most certainly unwanted sexual attention and a major WTF and should be pointed out and dealt with accordingly. Which Whoops did by reporting it at the time. And the bouncers felt it was warranted enough to throw the sad bastard out.

That it seems this didn't get through to the Boards hierarchy is a concern. Now, I nor we don't have the full story of course, but personally knowing Whoops to enough of a degree to know she's not the over reactionary kind in social situations(not by a long shot)... yeah. I dunno...

Oh sure SS. Like I said calling it "sexual assault" is heading towards the hysterical and no mistake, though Whoops didn't do that. However it is unwanted attention of a sexual nature. Taking pics/flics of someone's body bits for "private consumption? GTFO. Not a hanging offence, but defo a WTF you sad bastard offence.

Oh no, no need for pitchforks and blazing torches, but as you say, not cool. The need for a quiet word including the words WTF? "Scandal" and such comes from ignoring that kind of thing and explaining it away as nothing to see here. Personally someone above voting age who doesn't understand that that kinda thing is creepy as fook needs an injection of cop the hell on.

You'll also note I was one of the first to thank her post. But hey, don't let that get in the way of your notions about me.

Tell me how wrote: »

I think the people arguing against Wibb's concerns are proving his point to be honest.

Sadly yes.

Wibbs · 19-02-2018 12:23PM

professore wrote: »

No one is questioning any of the men's accounts. That says a lot.

Eh no it doesn't. No one is questioning any of the women's accounts either.

kylith · 19-02-2018 12:24PM

wexie wrote: »

I'm glad to see it's not just me who thinks this.

It's a bit odd though isn't it?

It’s obviously not in for a woman to grab a man, but I think that the reason so many people see a man doing it as worse isn’t because, in general, men are more capable of forcing a woman into sex than the other way round.

Baggly · 19-02-2018 12:24PM

Wibbs wrote: »

Well god forbid anyone might suggest some mature consideration of the subject. I consider that "adding to the discussion", or do you just want an echo chamber and no discussion? Grand if the thread hadn't publicly accused a likely identifiable individual and more than a few calling for heads to roll.

And plenty who apparently do.

Oh I'm sorry, so suggesting caution about public accusations is discouraging people now?

As an example of a collective "mob" thinking and both being bad.

...and here we go with the dishonest strawman victimhood ballsology. Cue "victim blaming" stage right.

OK so since you're so sure of my position: Please point out where I said she shouldn't be believed. Please point out where I said she shouldn't talk. Please point out where I asked for her character and story to be examined. I'll give you a clue, you won't find it. Not outside your fevered imagination.

Just in case you missed it:

ou'll also note I was one of the first to thank her post. But hey, don't let that get in the way of your notions about me.

Sadly yes.

Dont take what i said personally - no accusations against any named individual are being made; and no one was being cavalier or without caution in what they were saying - this is a thread for people to share their unwanted experiences. If you wanna do so, go for it.

wakka12 · 19-02-2018 12:28PM

wexie wrote: »

I use to be a waiter for a lot of events with aul wans in an 'advanced state of refreshedness' and can't even begin to count the amount of times I've had the various body parts pinched,groped, rubbed or otherwise fondled.

Seeing as I was young free and single at the time I remember finding the worst part that half the time I hadn't even noticed who it was while trying to make my way through a crowd with a tray of drinks. (even though I was well aware it was probably better that I didn't know most of the time).

Yet I wouldn't like to have to see a young girl put up with the same.

I wonder if I'm the only one with this double standard and what people make of it?

And I wonder, if a young waiter punched some aul one in the face for groping him would he get the same kind of support his female colleagues might get??

Of course it wouldn't get support as its completely excessive to 'punch' somebody

I guess there is a double standard but I don't think its that unjustified. If a woman wasn't to react to some guy feeling her ass he might think she was okay with it, follow her out of the venue after, and she could be at danger
Yes men can be raped but its very unlikely an auld wan will even do this(lol at the timing of the post after mine being about a girl following him) and even less likely you wouldn't be able to stop her from raping you if it escalated to that

RoboRat · 19-02-2018 12:28PM

I had a couple of instances... in college I had a stalker, I didn't believe the lads initially thinking they were just ripping the piss until I seen her following me home a couple of nights. She had also told her friends that she was seeing me. Ironically a few years later, I was in a filling station and she walked in and when I left, I noticed her car following mine - it wasn't coincidence as I was going in circles, so I hit the floor and managed to lose her. Freak.

One night out with my now wife and there was a hen party in the pub, every time I went to the toilet I kept getting my ass grabbed, then one of them stood in front of me and just rammed her hands down to my crotch. My missus was fuming and she went to the bouncers and they laughed. Same thing happened on a night out in Newcastle except one also came from behind.

Another night, I ended up in a gay bar in Budapest with my missus and went to the toilet only for 2 lads to follow me in and start peering over the cubicle wall - no shame whatsoever. Later the same night in another pub, some lad tried to offer me cash to sleep with my missus. Strange place.

B0jangles · 19-02-2018 12:32PM

Back when I was in college, I was at a house-party after a society event. I had a few too many drinks and went to sleep in an unoccupied room. At some point I woke up to find that a complete stranger was lying on top of me, hands inside my clothes and with his fúcking tongue in my mouth.

It was so disgusting and shocking I don't think I said anything - I just struggled out from under him and ran. I never actually got a good look at the guy's face and never heard from anyone else there if they knew who he was. I did run into the person whose house it was and I think he threw him out, but at that point I was just hiding in another room and waiting for morning so I could go home.

Wibbs · 19-02-2018 12:34PM

wexie wrote: »

I'm glad to see it's not just me who thinks this.

It's a bit odd though isn't it?

Not really W. The plain fact is the average man is bigger and stronger, often much bigger and stronger than the average women, so the physical threat aspect is very much going one way. I'm not the strongest physically, but honestly unless they were wielding a weapon I'd not feel physically threatened by the average woman having a go at me*. Few men would be. About my only concern would be if she did and I responded physically that it would look bad. Again because of the physical differences. Generally speaking a woman punches me meh, I punch a woman and I'm far more likely to cause injury. Now add in a sexual threat to the above mix and again there is a difference. Never mind that in the case of rape a woman could get pregnant which is a whole other level of mental and physical horror.

So yeah I'd also see it as worse when it's a man physically or sexually threatening a woman, rather than the other way around.

*unless she was a kick boxer, then I'd run away squealing and begging for my life.

Tell me how · 19-02-2018 12:35PM

Pter wrote: »

Dont take what i said personally - no accusations against any named individual are being made; and no one was being cavalier or without caution in what they were saying - this is a thread for people to share their unwanted experiences. If you wanna do so, go for it.

To be fair, there was enough said to point towards identifying someone, or, accusing the wrong person.

That's what has brought about this discussion, the latter half of the post. Not the first part, which no one is suggesting is untrue or in any way acceptable. At least I'm not anyway.

Baggly · 19-02-2018 12:43PM

Tell me how wrote: »

To be fair, there was enough said to point towards identifying someone, or, accusing the wrong person.

That's what has brought about this discussion, the latter half of the post. Not the first part, which no one is suggesting is untrue or in any way acceptable. At least I'm not anyway.

Fair enough. Ill back off on posting all the same because i dont have a story i wanna share here. Am appreciative of the stories people do feel ok with sharing though.

Have you ever had an unwanted sexual experience? Mod warning in op - updated 6/3/18

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