Why do guys ghost a friend?

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 01:36PM #1

New here, hope it's correct place to post.

Mature student, friends with a guy from college the last academic year. Met at lunch one day and we used to meet at same time for a few months. Got chatting and had a good laugh together.

Met him out a few times, awkward kiss one night, slept with him another. It wasn't brilliant but I was really nervous as I quite like him which made me nervous! Was fine after, just like before. We both went our separate ways and had exams the following week so didn't see each other at lunch.

Since then, we are both on placement so I don't see him at college now. I messaged on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for lunch and he hasnt replied. I can see he has been online but my message is left unread. That was last week.

We had such a laugh together and it was always very easygoing. I never thought he would do that, I thought he was different. That disappoints me most that I got him so wrong. If he just messaged and said no at least I would have closure.

Why do ye ghost guys....honest answers really appreciated. Thanks.

spoonerhead · 09-02-2018 01:39PM

Sounds like he only wanted one thing, he got it then he moves onto the next. Don’t be too down about it, if he blanks you he’s not worth chasing

daveyeh · 09-02-2018 01:40PM

No idea why he did it, possibly he decided yous weren't compatible (sexually), but 'ghosting' is probably just cowardice about telling you the truth.

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 02:07PM

Thanks.

Just thought he was better than that and would have said it straight out. There were a few messages after the night so I presumed we were still friends.

That's what hurts most, that he could be so cold after knowing him for months.

Alanstrainor · 09-02-2018 02:11PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

Thanks.

Just thought he was better than that and would have said it straight out. There were a few messages after the night so I presumed we were still friends.

That's what hurts most, that he could be so cold after knowing him for months.

Ah maybe you're reading too much into this. You started as friends, things moved on to be something more, and maybe that was just too much for this fella. It's always easy to talk online about being straight with people, but the reality is that it can be hard sometimes. Especially when you're in college together. Just give him space I'd say, no need to completely write the friendship off or anything.

GLaDOS · 09-02-2018 02:19PM

Does you know if he's much of a facebook user? I know a fair few people who pay little attention to it and would miss messages etc even if they check their profile.

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 03:18PM

He instigated the kiss etc. I dint think it's much to expect a message/text to say I'm not interested in being friends or anything.

Yes, he uses facebook a lot. I can see my message is still unread.

He knows I'm straight with people & like the same back. That's hurts.

I'm deleting his number and Facebook. He clearly doesn't see us as friends which I did.

GLaDOS · 09-02-2018 03:24PM

That's fair enough, hard to disagree with spoonerhead and daveyeh's posts so.

newinvestor · 09-02-2018 03:55PM

I used to do stuff like this years ago , looking back I realise now it was because I was immature nothing else , met loads of lovely girls but I was afraid of what next after sleeping with them would they want a relationship , I basically over thought everything. When I look back now I was stupid , I realise now that me and a lot of my friends back then weren't at the same level of maturity as the girls we where around.

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 04:25PM

Thanks for your honesty newinvestor.

I thought a 32 year old wouldn't do that. Maybe it is a maturity thing.

I just looked and can see he was online today. Also see a post on his page. Last time I look

09-02-2018 04:26PM

I dunno if it's fair to assume he's just being a prick. I've tried to be what I thought was decent and been told I was leading people on before. It can be tricky.

Ajsoprano · 09-02-2018 04:30PM

I’m all honesty there is a multitude of reasons. Probably thinks he can settle down with someone he thinks is more deserving of his greatness. Probably doesn’t want to settle down yet. Probably doesnt see why he owes you anything forget about it and move on.

njs030 · 09-02-2018 04:31PM

Not everyone has Facebook messenger so while they are using normal Facebook they can't open messages.

Relax, get on with your life and if he wants to contact you he will, yes people (not just men) do this to get out of awkward situations all the time.

emeldc · 09-02-2018 04:32PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

He instigated the kiss etc. I dint think it's much to expect a message/text to say I'm not interested in being friends or anything.

Yes, he uses facebook a lot. I can see my message is still unread.

He knows I'm straight with people & like the same back. That's hurts.

I'm deleting his number and Facebook. He clearly doesn't see us as friends which I did.

I don't use FB so pardon the ignorance:

Could there be another reason that he hasn't opened the message. Would curiosity not get the better of him to at least see what it says.
Can you delete it now so that he can't see it.

harry Bailey esq · 09-02-2018 04:33PM

spoonerhead wrote: »

Sounds like he only wanted one thing, he got it then he moves onto the next. Don’t be too down about it, if he blanks you he’s not worth chasing

This guy has it nailed. Don't let it wreck your head.

endacl · 09-02-2018 04:33PM

Maybe he's busy?

Or maybe he's just (like me) crap at getting pack to messages? Just had a check. I've over 70 unread text messages as I type this.

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 04:33PM

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

emeldc · 09-02-2018 04:43PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

Oh, text as well?
Fcuk him. He's a prick.

Fall_Guy · 09-02-2018 04:44PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

Well if he's anything like I was when I was younger, its just easier not to say something....people like being liked....giving you a straight answer involves him having to accept you won't like him....ghosting you means that if he ever does bother his arse contacting you he can bull**** his way out of the poor behaviour at a later time, being honest takes this option out of the equation...

...yes it's possible that theres a reasonable explanation for the sudden dropping of all contact, but the most likely reality is that he's probably just a bit of a pillock.

Put it in the rearview and chalk it down to experience....some of the soundest lads are still just immature sons of guns at the end of the day (women too, obviously!)

Ajsoprano · 09-02-2018 04:47PM

emeldc wrote: »

Oh, text as well?
Fcuk him. He's a prick.

That’s a bit much. He probably just doesn’t want the hassle of explaining it and listening to a tantrum and all that stuff. Maybe he met a new girl in his job placement, They both had sex now they don’t anymore in a week or two op will have moved on. The world will keep spinning he’s a bit selfish but he’s just a chap that got the ride happens all across the world every day.

mrcheez · 09-02-2018 05:01PM

Sounds like the guy isn't ready to commit to anything serious just yet, and his "ghosting" might just be an attempt to avoid conflict.

The kiss etc might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but then he suddenly realised "oh **** I'm in too deep".

I wouldn't take it personally OP, people have different perspectives on how seriously they want to take a relationship, so you might have been expecting to get something more long-term out of it than he was.

He'll probably come round eventually and be honest about why he's not in contact, but I'd say to you move on.

njs030 · 09-02-2018 05:04PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

Really though he has said something it's just not what you want to hear. His actions have said he doesn't want to be in contact. Do you really need him to say it in words?
It's a bit cowardly yes so that should be enough to show you that you wouldn't want a friend like that!

Let it go, stop contacting him and forget about it

09-02-2018 05:11PM

Yeah OP I think just leave it. I guess this is one of those times that there's no good way to handle it. I recently asked someone out, got a yes and then heard nothing. Next time I saw her she said she'd forgotten to take my number and we'd definitely go out some time. Seen her since, no word. Personally I'd prefer a "No, not interested". She likely thinks she's letting me down easy. :P Similarly when trying to be nice I've been told I should just cut contact (by other girls) so it's not always straightforward.
However I think his aim/goal is fairly obvious alas.

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 05:19PM

I wouldn't throw a tantrum at him...I'm doing that here

I was happy being friends only. Out of all the guys I ever met, I just feel hurt he'd do that! I'll know better in future.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 09-02-2018 05:19PM

Not worth worrying about him. He's a coward.

mrcheez · 09-02-2018 05:24PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

I wouldn't throw a tantrum at him...I'm doing that here

I was happy being friends only. Out of all the guys I ever met, I just feel hurt he'd do that! I'll know better in future.

Playing Devil's Advocate here, but something did change in the relationship from before and after when you guys finally got together.

So the relationship went from flirty friendship to something more serious. So I don't think the friendship would ever be exactly the same as if nothing physically had happened between you?

He probably sees it as: "woah we've slept together... erm we're not like best buds anymore, this is relationship territory" ... and scarpers off. Not best form on his part but I reckon that's what happened

09-02-2018 05:40PM

TBF, he could easily have begun a new relationship with someone and didn't want any awkwardness.

People break off contact for all manner of reasons. Doesn't mean that they're intentionally being mean/nasty.

Still... TBH he might simply have ignored your message while he was online. He could have been doing just about anything, not had the time to respond at that moment, & forgot to reply later. OP based on your posts above it seems like you sent him the one message and since he hasn't responded to that one, you've decided the worst. Did you send him any other messages a day or two later?

Saruhashi · 09-02-2018 05:51PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

New here, hope it's correct place to post.

Mature student, friends with a guy from college the last academic year. Met at lunch one day and we used to meet at same time for a few months. Got chatting and had a good laugh together.

Met him out a few times, awkward kiss one night, slept with him another. It wasn't brilliant but I was really nervous as I quite like him which made me nervous! Was fine after, just like before. We both went our separate ways and had exams the following week so didn't see each other at lunch.

Since then, we are both on placement so I don't see him at college now. I messaged on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for lunch and he hasnt replied. I can see he has been online but my message is left unread. That was last week.

We had such a laugh together and it was always very easygoing. I never thought he would do that, I thought he was different. That disappoints me most that I got him so wrong. If he just messaged and said no at least I would have closure.

Why do ye ghost guys....honest answers really appreciated. Thanks.

There could be loads of reasons or combinations of reasons why so I wouldn't get to invested in trying to work out why.

It's bad behavior on his part regardless of the reasons. Could just be that he feels like running away is easier then explaining the reasons. Who really knows?

You could call him out on it if you want. Might shake him up a bit if he actually doesn't realize that what he has done is wrong.

You've got the moral high ground so why not ask him whats up? Problem is the real reason could always be worse that just not knowing.

Bruisedego · 09-02-2018 05:56PM

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends. A mutual friend once asked if we were together and I said no, we are friends.

The text was delivered and not replied to, the Facebook message not opened while I can see he is online, I don't honestly think he forgot about it.

I'm beyond wanting to call him on it, I'm hurt by him. I'm going to delete him and be more selective about friends in future.

Saruhashi · 09-02-2018 06:07PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends. A mutual friend once asked if we were together and I said no, we are friends.

The text was delivered and not replied to, the Facebook message not opened while I can see he is online, I don't honestly think he forgot about it.

I'm beyond wanting to call him on it, I'm hurt by him. I'm going to delete him and be more selective about friends in future.

Just don't let his issues become your issues.

Reading the other thread about MGTOW there and it occurs to me that most of us encounter people who aren't great and a large number of us aren't that great ourselves. However, it's how we react and respond to those negative experiences that can make the difference between a positive outcome and a more cynical approach in the future.

Effects · 09-02-2018 06:23PM

Bruisedego wrote: »

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends.

Bruisedego wrote:

Met him out a few times, awkward kiss one night, slept with him another.

He's not into being friends or anything else. There's nothing else you can do about it but move on.

Why do guys ghost a friend?

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