Why do guys ghost a friend?

Bruisedego

New here, hope it's correct place to post.

Mature student, friends with a guy from college the last academic year. Met at lunch one day and we used to meet at same time for a few months. Got chatting and had a good laugh together.

Met him out a few times, awkward kiss one night, slept with him another. It wasn't brilliant but I was really nervous as I quite like him which made me nervous! Was fine after, just like before. We both went our separate ways and had exams the following week so didn't see each other at lunch.

Since then, we are both on placement so I don't see him at college now. I messaged on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for lunch and he hasnt replied. I can see he has been online but my message is left unread. That was last week.

We had such a laugh together and it was always very easygoing. I never thought he would do that, I thought he was different. That disappoints me most that I got him so wrong. If he just messaged and said no at least I would have closure.

Why do ye ghost guys....honest answers really appreciated. Thanks.

spoonerhead

Sounds like he only wanted one thing, he got it then he moves onto the next. Don’t be too down about it, if he blanks you he’s not worth chasing

daveyeh

No idea why he did it, possibly he decided yous weren't compatible (sexually), but 'ghosting' is probably just cowardice about telling you the truth.

Bruisedego

Thanks.

Just thought he was better than that and would have said it straight out. There were a few messages after the night so I presumed we were still friends.

That's what hurts most, that he could be so cold after knowing him for months.

Alanstrainor

Bruisedego wrote: »

Thanks.

Just thought he was better than that and would have said it straight out. There were a few messages after the night so I presumed we were still friends.

That's what hurts most, that he could be so cold after knowing him for months.

Ah maybe you're reading too much into this. You started as friends, things moved on to be something more, and maybe that was just too much for this fella. It's always easy to talk online about being straight with people, but the reality is that it can be hard sometimes. Especially when you're in college together. Just give him space I'd say, no need to completely write the friendship off or anything.

GLaDOS

Does you know if he's much of a facebook user? I know a fair few people who pay little attention to it and would miss messages etc even if they check their profile.

Bruisedego

He instigated the kiss etc. I dint think it's much to expect a message/text to say I'm not interested in being friends or anything.

Yes, he uses facebook a lot. I can see my message is still unread.

He knows I'm straight with people & like the same back. That's hurts.

I'm deleting his number and Facebook. He clearly doesn't see us as friends which I did.

GLaDOS

That's fair enough, hard to disagree with spoonerhead and daveyeh's posts so.

newinvestor

I used to do stuff like this years ago , looking back I realise now it was because I was immature nothing else , met loads of lovely girls but I was afraid of what next after sleeping with them would they want a relationship , I basically over thought everything. When I look back now I was stupid , I realise now that me and a lot of my friends back then weren't at the same level of maturity as the girls we where around.

Bruisedego

Thanks for your honesty newinvestor.

I thought a 32 year old wouldn't do that. Maybe it is a maturity thing.

I just looked and can see he was online today. Also see a post on his page. Last time I look

I dunno if it's fair to assume he's just being a prick. I've tried to be what I thought was decent and been told I was leading people on before. It can be tricky.

Ajsoprano

I’m all honesty there is a multitude of reasons. Probably thinks he can settle down with someone he thinks is more deserving of his greatness. Probably doesn’t want to settle down yet. Probably doesnt see why he owes you anything forget about it and move on.

njs030

Not everyone has Facebook messenger so while they are using normal Facebook they can't open messages.

Relax, get on with your life and if he wants to contact you he will, yes people (not just men) do this to get out of awkward situations all the time.

emeldc

Bruisedego wrote: »

He instigated the kiss etc. I dint think it's much to expect a message/text to say I'm not interested in being friends or anything.

Yes, he uses facebook a lot. I can see my message is still unread.

He knows I'm straight with people & like the same back. That's hurts.

I'm deleting his number and Facebook. He clearly doesn't see us as friends which I did.

I don't use FB so pardon the ignorance:

Could there be another reason that he hasn't opened the message. Would curiosity not get the better of him to at least see what it says.
Can you delete it now so that he can't see it.

harry Bailey esq

spoonerhead wrote: »

Sounds like he only wanted one thing, he got it then he moves onto the next. Don’t be too down about it, if he blanks you he’s not worth chasing

This guy has it nailed. Don't let it wreck your head.

endacl

Maybe he's busy?

Or maybe he's just (like me) crap at getting pack to messages? Just had a check. I've over 70 unread text messages as I type this.

Bruisedego

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

emeldc

Bruisedego wrote: »

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

Oh, text as well?
Fcuk him. He's a prick.

Fall_Guy

Bruisedego wrote: »

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

Well if he's anything like I was when I was younger, its just easier not to say something....people like being liked....giving you a straight answer involves him having to accept you won't like him....ghosting you means that if he ever does bother his arse contacting you he can bull**** his way out of the poor behaviour at a later time, being honest takes this option out of the equation...

...yes it's possible that theres a reasonable explanation for the sudden dropping of all contact, but the most likely reality is that he's probably just a bit of a pillock.

Put it in the rearview and chalk it down to experience....some of the soundest lads are still just immature sons of guns at the end of the day (women too, obviously!)

Ajsoprano

emeldc wrote: »

Oh, text as well?
Fcuk him. He's a prick.

That’s a bit much. He probably just doesn’t want the hassle of explaining it and listening to a tantrum and all that stuff. Maybe he met a new girl in his job placement, They both had sex now they don’t anymore in a week or two op will have moved on. The world will keep spinning he’s a bit selfish but he’s just a chap that got the ride happens all across the world every day.

mrcheez

Sounds like the guy isn't ready to commit to anything serious just yet, and his "ghosting" might just be an attempt to avoid conflict.

The kiss etc might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but then he suddenly realised "oh **** I'm in too deep".

I wouldn't take it personally OP, people have different perspectives on how seriously they want to take a relationship, so you might have been expecting to get something more long-term out of it than he was.

He'll probably come round eventually and be honest about why he's not in contact, but I'd say to you move on.

njs030

Bruisedego wrote: »

But why go from being in contact and getting on really well to not replying to a text and Facebook message for over a week when he always did before.

We were messaging as normal then he just didn't reply. That's where I'm confused as to why not just say something rather than not reply.

Really though he has said something it's just not what you want to hear. His actions have said he doesn't want to be in contact. Do you really need him to say it in words?
It's a bit cowardly yes so that should be enough to show you that you wouldn't want a friend like that!

Let it go, stop contacting him and forget about it

Yeah OP I think just leave it. I guess this is one of those times that there's no good way to handle it. I recently asked someone out, got a yes and then heard nothing. Next time I saw her she said she'd forgotten to take my number and we'd definitely go out some time. Seen her since, no word. Personally I'd prefer a "No, not interested". She likely thinks she's letting me down easy. :P Similarly when trying to be nice I've been told I should just cut contact (by other girls) so it's not always straightforward.
However I think his aim/goal is fairly obvious alas.

Bruisedego

I wouldn't throw a tantrum at him...I'm doing that here

I was happy being friends only. Out of all the guys I ever met, I just feel hurt he'd do that! I'll know better in future.

DEFTLEFTHAND

Not worth worrying about him. He's a coward.

mrcheez

Bruisedego wrote: »

I wouldn't throw a tantrum at him...I'm doing that here

I was happy being friends only. Out of all the guys I ever met, I just feel hurt he'd do that! I'll know better in future.

Playing Devil's Advocate here, but something did change in the relationship from before and after when you guys finally got together.

So the relationship went from flirty friendship to something more serious. So I don't think the friendship would ever be exactly the same as if nothing physically had happened between you?

He probably sees it as: "woah we've slept together... erm we're not like best buds anymore, this is relationship territory" ... and scarpers off. Not best form on his part but I reckon that's what happened

TBF, he could easily have begun a new relationship with someone and didn't want any awkwardness.

People break off contact for all manner of reasons. Doesn't mean that they're intentionally being mean/nasty.

Still... TBH he might simply have ignored your message while he was online. He could have been doing just about anything, not had the time to respond at that moment, & forgot to reply later. OP based on your posts above it seems like you sent him the one message and since he hasn't responded to that one, you've decided the worst. Did you send him any other messages a day or two later?

Saruhashi

Bruisedego wrote: »

New here, hope it's correct place to post.

Mature student, friends with a guy from college the last academic year. Met at lunch one day and we used to meet at same time for a few months. Got chatting and had a good laugh together.

Met him out a few times, awkward kiss one night, slept with him another. It wasn't brilliant but I was really nervous as I quite like him which made me nervous! Was fine after, just like before. We both went our separate ways and had exams the following week so didn't see each other at lunch.

Since then, we are both on placement so I don't see him at college now. I messaged on Facebook to see if he wanted to meet for lunch and he hasnt replied. I can see he has been online but my message is left unread. That was last week.

We had such a laugh together and it was always very easygoing. I never thought he would do that, I thought he was different. That disappoints me most that I got him so wrong. If he just messaged and said no at least I would have closure.

Why do ye ghost guys....honest answers really appreciated. Thanks.

There could be loads of reasons or combinations of reasons why so I wouldn't get to invested in trying to work out why.

It's bad behavior on his part regardless of the reasons. Could just be that he feels like running away is easier then explaining the reasons. Who really knows?

You could call him out on it if you want. Might shake him up a bit if he actually doesn't realize that what he has done is wrong.

You've got the moral high ground so why not ask him whats up? Problem is the real reason could always be worse that just not knowing.

Bruisedego

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends. A mutual friend once asked if we were together and I said no, we are friends.

The text was delivered and not replied to, the Facebook message not opened while I can see he is online, I don't honestly think he forgot about it.

I'm beyond wanting to call him on it, I'm hurt by him. I'm going to delete him and be more selective about friends in future.

Saruhashi

Bruisedego wrote: »

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends. A mutual friend once asked if we were together and I said no, we are friends.

The text was delivered and not replied to, the Facebook message not opened while I can see he is online, I don't honestly think he forgot about it.

I'm beyond wanting to call him on it, I'm hurt by him. I'm going to delete him and be more selective about friends in future.

Just don't let his issues become your issues.

Reading the other thread about MGTOW there and it occurs to me that most of us encounter people who aren't great and a large number of us aren't that great ourselves. However, it's how we react and respond to those negative experiences that can make the difference between a positive outcome and a more cynical approach in the future.

Effects

Bruisedego wrote: »

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends.

Bruisedego wrote:

Met him out a few times, awkward kiss one night, slept with him another.

He's not into being friends or anything else. There's nothing else you can do about it but move on.

Bruisedego

Bruisedego wrote: »

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends. A mutual friend once asked if we were together and I said no, we are friends.

The text was delivered and not replied to, the Facebook message not opened while I can see he is online, I don't honestly think he forgot about it.

I'm beyond wanting to call him on it, I'm hurt by him. I'm going to delete him and be more selective about friends in future.

So, you didn't send more than one message to him.

Sorry, nah... I think you're being unreasonable. There are many reasons why he wouldn't reply to a single message without looking for negative possibilities.

Send him another message and see if he responds. If he doesn't respond to that second message, then go ahead and delete him, but right now, it sounds more like insecurity/paranoia.

njs030

[Deleted User] wrote: »

So, you didn't send more than one message to him.

Sorry, nah... I think you're being unreasonable. There are many reasons why he wouldn't reply to a single message without looking for negative possibilities.

Send him another message and see if he responds. If he doesn't respond to that second message, then go ahead and delete him, but right now, it sounds more like insecurity/paranoia.

She sent 2 both were ignored

Bruisedego

1 text and 1 Facebook- he had never not replied before - in a year of knowing him. A week later and no reply, it's speaking volumes really.

I thought after the night we spent together that when we were talking as normal next morning there was no reason to think things had changed that it could stay as it was. It was a meaningless night, I'm not a fan of them and he knew that.

I have accepted that's it, friendship is over, just think it's really mean to not reply instead of saying goodbye!

Ajsoprano

Bruisedego wrote: »

1 text and 1 Facebook- he had never not replied before - in a year of knowing him. A week later and no reply, it's speaking volumes really.

I thought after the night we spent together that when we were talking as normal next morning there was no reason to think things had changed that it could stay as it was. It was a meaningless night, I'm not a fan of them and he knew that.

I have accepted that's it, friendship is over, just think it's really mean to not reply instead of saying goodbye!

Look so you’s both want the hassle of every new relationship yous have having a oh you slept with that man/woman that hangs around the house. But you are just friends now? That’s gonna cause rows all the time in the real world.
It’s not worth the hassle.

njs030

njs030 wrote: »

She sent 2 both were ignored

Ok. Mixed up the text and facebook message as being the same message.

jimbobaloobob

Bruisedego wrote: »

You said it wasnt brillant and that you were nervous but dont you think it might have been him too?

Dont put yourself down and sorry to hear it didnt work out.

NollagShona

Maybe he’s just not that into you?

jimbobaloobob

NollagShona wrote: »

Maybe he’s just not that into you?

Ouch

worded

Good talk on the subject of breakups


https://ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=tedspread--b

Bambi985

Bruisedego wrote: »

I never gave him the idea I wanted a relationship other than being friends. A mutual friend once asked if we were together and I said no, we are friends.

The text was delivered and not replied to, the Facebook message not opened while I can see he is online, I don't honestly think he forgot about it.

I'm beyond wanting to call him on it, I'm hurt by him. I'm going to delete him and be more selective about friends in future.

Maybe just don't sleep with your friends from now on? Obviously it's a free world and you can do as you like, but sex changes things whether you like it or not.

It's very, very hard for most people to have sex and then just get back to the business of being matey mates and nothing else the very next day, even if there are no feelings involved on either side. Particularly when it was awkward sex! It complicates things. Maybe he's had bad experiences with that before. Maybe he's got ex issues and totally freaked out. Maybe he felt staying in touch would lead you on. There's a lot of possible scenarios here.

Bambi985

Bambi985 wrote: »

Maybe just don't sleep with your friends from now on? Obviously it's a free world and you can do as you like, but sex changes things whether you like it or not.

Most of my close female friends are past lovers. Either we started from dating or were friends and had sex. We've stayed friends because there's no confusion about our relationship (and the value we place on sex is not higher than our friendship, which means that we can continue to have sex).

It all comes down to expectations and communication. Be very clear as to whats expected, reinforce that statement, and verbally agree. There can't be any possessiveness allowed. If a more formal relationship is wanted, then it needs to be said from the beginning... any kind of vagueness will kill that friendship.

If you're getting drunk and having sex, there's no real conscious decision to change the nature of the relationship. No personal responsibility being accepted. Instead, it just comes across as an impulse, which demeans the experience, and encourages people to feel embarrassed. Which, in turn, will kill the friendship.

People tend to place too much importance on sex. (making love being a very different experience)

Daisy78

Ajsoprano wrote: »

emeldc wrote: »

Oh, text as well?
Fcuk him. He's a prick.

That’s a bit much. He probably just doesn’t want the hassle of explaining it and listening to a tantrum and all that stuff. Maybe he met a new girl in his job placement, They both had sex now they don’t anymore in a week or two op will have moved on. The world will keep spinning he’s a bit selfish but he’s just a chap that got the ride happens all across the world every day.

Doesn't excuse his behaviour though, just because "lots of guys do it" makes it alright. It just shows him up to be weak minded and a bit of an arsewipe to be honest. Maybe he is okay with that. But you know what, it's the difference between the decent guys (and there are plenty out there) and the ones who are not worth a second thought.

Ajsoprano

Daisy78 wrote: »

Doesn't excuse his behaviour though, just because "lots of guys do it" makes it alright. It just shows him up to be weak minded and a bit of an arsewipe to be honest. Maybe he is okay with that. But you know what, it's the difference between the decent guys (and there are plenty out there) and the ones who are not worth a second thought.

In your opinion it makes him a coward. He doesn’t owe anyone anything in the grand scheme of things. There seems to be a running theme where if a man sleeps with a woman he now either becomes a player tosser idiot if he doesn’t do it again or decent if he does.

Look at it from his point of view. He wakes up one morning. He’s after riding some girl he knows. He doesn’t want to do it again. She is texting. He knows that if he replies it’ll give her false hope. She will say she just wants to be friends. She may make it awkward every time he meets a new girl. If he tells her that she may shout at him. He hasn’t got time for that.

You get loaded with enough responsibility in life having to look after every girl you sleep withs emotions is stuff people don’t have time for sometimes.

Was it the best course of events?
No
Should we all move on?
Yes
Are we happy we aren’t pregnant?
Probably

Mr.H

Sometimes us guys just feel a bit weird trying to stay friends with people don't see every day. I have loads of mates that I probably don't respond to on messages. Not because I don't consider them friends, but because I'm probably doing something and think I'll reply later. Then it just gets forgotten about. I find it easier to stay friends with people I talk to face to face.

Of course it's also possible he just feels weird that bye got a little too close.

I wouldn't just assume he was after one thing. It could've the case but it might not be. Since you can't know for sure unless he tells you, it's better not to think the negative.

If ye are back in college together it will probably go back to the way it was or a kinda version of it. Don't stress out and don't bombard him with messages. It'll be fine. You are probably over thinking it when guys are much more simple. We don't really think that much. Not even in a mean way. Just in a breezy way.

Hope you know what I mean

Daisy78

Ajsoprano wrote: »

Daisy78 wrote: »

Doesn't excuse his behaviour though, just because "lots of guys do it" makes it alright. It just shows him up to be weak minded and a bit of an arsewipe to be honest. Maybe he is okay with that. But you know what, it's the difference between the decent guys (and there are plenty out there) and the ones who are not worth a second thought.

In your opinion it makes him a coward. He doesn’t owe anyone anything in the grand scheme of things. There seems to be a running theme where if a man sleeps with a woman he now either becomes a player tosser idiot if he doesn’t do it again or decent if he does.

Look at it from his point of view. He wakes up one morning. He’s after riding some girl he knows. He doesn’t want to do it again. She is texting. He knows that if he replies it’ll give her false hope. She will say she just wants to be friends. She may make it awkward every time he meets a new girl. If he tells her that she may shout at him. He hasn’t got time for that.

You get loaded with enough responsibility in life having to look after every girl you sleep withs emotions is stuff people don’t have time for sometimes.

Was it the best course of events?
No
Should we all move on?
Yes
Are we happy we aren’t pregnant?
Probably

See this wasn't some random girl he met in a nightclub though. It was a girl who he was friends, and he initiated this whole thing to start with. He wanted to get his leg over and now he has to deal with the fallout. Don't you think he owes the girl a phone call or even a text, at least some acknowledgement of what has happened? Pity about him that he "hasn't got time for that" but you know what sometimes you have to put the big boy pants on and act like the mature adult man you are supposed to be. He is bound to run into this girl again at some stage, by avoiding any communication now he is making the situation ten times worse down the line.

Bruisedego

Ajsoprano you sound like the guy I never want to meet!

Friends for a year, get on great. Both message all the time.

Stupid ons, should never have happened.

After I message as normal, he doesn't reply.

NOWHERE is there a suggestion of anything more than being friends. I have no interest in being in a relationship with anybody at the moment. He's a good looking guy, I know about his ex's as he does about mine, he wouldn't have any problems getting any girl on a night out.

If it's too much to expect a friend to be mature enough to reply after that then I have no interest on having any new male friends in future. I don't want to think that guys are just friends to wait a year or more just for a ons to then ghost. We aren't 15 year olds here.

I have learned my lesson and deleted him from Facebook and his texts and number from my phone.

njs030

Bruisedego wrote: »

If it's too much to expect a friend to be mature enough to reply after that then I have no interest on having any new male friends in future. I don't want to think that guys are just friends to wait a year or more just for a ons to then ghost. We aren't 15 year olds here.

I have learned my lesson and deleted him from Facebook and his texts and number from my phone.

It's an overreaction to judge all men by the actions of one.
Would you like it if a man decided not to speak to you because a woman he used to know treated him badly?
Or would you like to be treated as an individual and not lumped in with all other women?

Just don't have sex with your friends in future and you won't come across this problem again, it's easier and less over the top than refusing to be friends with men.

Ajsoprano

Bruisedego wrote: »

Ajsoprano you sound like the guy I never want to meet!

Friends for a year, get on great. Both message all the time.

Stupid ons, should never have happened.

After I message as normal, he doesn't reply.

NOWHERE is there a suggestion of anything more than being friends. I have no interest in being in a relationship with anybody at the moment. He's a good looking guy, I know about his ex's as he does about mine, he wouldn't have any problems getting any girl on a night out.

If it's too much to expect a friend to be mature enough to reply after that then I have no interest on having any new male friends in future. I don't want to think that guys are just friends to wait a year or more just for a ons to then ghost. We aren't 15 year olds here.

I have learned my lesson and deleted him from Facebook and his texts and number from my phone.

Good for you. I hope you find what your looking for in the future.
You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want but you said he initiated the kiss.
You didn’t say hang on there buddy we are just friends.
Were you hoping one day he would do this? I’m not being confrontational or anything but if you ask yourself these questions and then ask yourself if you really want to go back to being friends or if you just want to be near him and being friends will do then an explanation isn’t the issue.

Bruisedego

Yes, maybe an overreaction but I'd prefer not to have a friend than one who let's you believe you are friends to disappear.

The drunk kiss, yes, I walked away and just chatted as normal. Next meeting it was mentioned and we laughed it off as we were really drunk.

The ons, we ended up staying at a mutual friends house after a night out as we don't live near each other. There were 10 others too. We were drunk talking after the others left/went to bed, it felt completely natural at the time. It happened, it's done now and I wanted to move on. I thought we could still be friends.

Ajsoprano

So you are saying you slept with him then told him we are just friends?

If that’s the case he’s pissed off at you for leading him on. He’s not a coward he just doesn’t want his head wrecked by a girl who decides when they are friends and when they aren’t.