Problems with new BF and his ex

Firstly, the living together would be a huge concern. It is a lot more understandable in the current economic climate and housing crisis but unfortunately the reason for it happening doesn't negate the fact that it can be problematic. Has he discussed his plans for full separation? Where he sleeps? What boundaries they have agreed upon? How much the children know/expect to happen? Is there a legal agreement? How much of a say does he have in what happens in the house or is she calling the shots? Is he hally doing all these things or is it expected of him? This is a discussion you need to have imo before you decide anything.

Does she know about You? Do the kids? Has she moved on? Are you planning to meet her? May seem trivial but I think these are things you need to ask.


Once that discussion is had and you if are happy with the situation, my best advice,above all, would be for you to be upfront about your concerns from the start. That doesn't mean ultimatums or demands but be honest about your feelings and needs. I spent too long biting my tongue in a very similar situation, in an effort to be reasonable and what it actually did was facilitate the behaviour and the status quo. You are right to not want your relationship to be affected by another woman. Yes he has a responsibility to his kids and there will be times where he has to prioritise family commitments but if it is HER demands as opposed to the kids' then there needs to be an honest discussion about that. Its very delicate because they are his kids and he will want to do right by them and sometimes it is hard for people to distinguish between where the kids' needs/wants ends and the ex partners wants/needs begins. And in previous experience there is sometimes a control element with ex partners. Not in all cases of course, but in some, and in my own, the power an ex has over the children/access/family court can absolutely influence how the other person behaves and gives in to demands. Hopefully that isnt the case with this guy as his kids are teens.

He may decide that you are wrong in your beliefs/concerns and if that is the case then imo I would suggest you seriously reconsider the relationship because it will then always be an issue between you if he doesn't view it as one. You will resent that he will not stop the behaviour and he will resent that you can't see his point of view. That's not to say either of you would be right or wrong-just an incompatible view on things and when families are involved that doesn't really work. It will always come across as a personal attack on him and his kids if arguments happen,if that makes sense. Cause it's his family. If he agrees with your concerns and acknowledges an issue then ye can work out together how to deal with it as a team but you do need to be a united team. Otherwise it's just you fighting the two of them. And that's not a relationship.

Definitely tread lightly and take the emotion out of it because it is a sensitive family issue and the last thing you want is to appear that you are trying to draw a wedge between any of them. Because that isn't what you want, your concerns are natural and valid. But if you go in too personal and make it about her then he won't see the actual issue at hand. He'll see it as an emotional attack on her. And again she's the mother of his kids. So maybe don't mention that you think she's a leech

If ye are on the same page that's half the battle. If he can't see an issue or is unwilling to address the issue then unfortunately it is a losing battle for you. Speaking from some painful experience on that one.

Also, go with your gut. It tells you a lot. If you ignore it you will kick yourself later.

tomwaterford wrote: »

I do think you have to be legally separated for few years before you can divorce?

No requirement to be legally separated before you can divorce, you just have to have been apart for four out of five years.

Unfortunately, because the OP's boyfriend is still sharing finances, living expenses etc. with his ex, that clock hasn't started ticking yet.

OP, I can't help but feel that it's a little early for you to start sticking your oar in here. You've only been going out a few months. His living arrangements are far from ideal and I wouldn't be too happy with the situation myself, but you knew what the story was before you got involved with him, presumably. I suspect that if you push the issue now, you'll be the one to lose out.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

We've had the kid conversation and it is something we both want in a year or two.

For the life of me I can't see how this is a sensible commitment to make in the current circumstances. It might be a lovely idea, but you're not together long and you only see each other twice a week for a few hours, you really haven't had time to get to know each other well enough to turn an idea into an actual plan with a relatively short timeframe. You may have known his as a friend, but not as a prospective father to your child.

That's not to mention the financial strains you'd be under, both his and a joint commitment to a new baby, or the time constraints, where will he suddenly find the time for a new-born? If his ex partner behaves as you describe, I can easily imagine she will become more of a problem once her ex has another child, not less of one.

I think he need to solve his problems (independent of your involvement) before either the two of you enter a committed relationship and you need that relationship to grow and prove itself before you have children.

OP you're totally right about your concerns, everything you've said and that has been said to you is fair. Unfortunately it's none of your business, I know this having tried to make messy situations like this work and failed (I'd find it hard to bite my tongue and now am sick of apologising or feeling guilty for having my own wants and needs so just don't enter situations where they're not on the list of priorities).

The only decision you can make is if you can put up with it or not. You're being asked to take a LOT here. It's totally fair to choose to not option and find someone who chooses to keep all this baggage for whatever reason. In no situation is it ever okay for your ex to be higher on your list of priorities than your current partner and that's what this sounds like tbh.

December2012 wrote: »

His finances have nothing to do with you. He knows what he is doing.

They may not be now, but if they are seriously discussing a life together and children in the future, his finances will be, his ability to provide financially for his future children with op will be her business so op is right to be discussing these things with him and raising concerns now so they can be resolved before they do that. It's better she does prior to starting a family than in a few years in a family court trying to get maintenance from him because he says he can't afford to pay cause he's paying a mortgage on his other kids' home and providing for an ex that cant/won't work. It's actually very responsible imo for op to be considering these things if she plans to start a family with him. Yes it's probably a bit premature in this case but I think op realises that it will take time to separate finances etc and it is realistic to keep that in mind if they are planning a family themselves.

OldNotWIse wrote: »

You are right - legally separated for 4 of the last 5 years. Living in the same house (but as a separated couple) became recognized by the courts as reckonable time for the purposes of this during the recession because of the difficulties attached to running two houses.

This is only half correct. First of all, you don't need to be legally (i.e. judicially) separated, you just need to be able to prove to the court that you're no longer together and haven't been since x date.

Also, yes, the courts will accept cases where the couple have had to continue living in the same house for financial reasons, however, the couple have to show that they have been living completely separate lives other than that. So, no shared finances (other than the mortgage). No joint accounts. No shared tax credits. No shared food bills, or credit cards, or holidays, or any other living expenses at all. In practice, this is incredibly hard to do, which is why the vast majority of couples end up living separately before they seek a divorce.

Clearly, your boyfriend and his ex haven't been doing any of this, which is why, as I said earlier, the four year clock hasn't even started ticking for him yet.

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Unless I'm picking things up wrong, they're not legally separated, though. And they won't be granted one either unless they can prove completely separate finances and living expenses. Which they can't. Perhaps the OP could clear that up for us - ONW, have they been to court and been granted a judicial decree of separation?

....... wrote: »

Oh sorry - the OP said they were legally separated in the post of hers you quoted.

Oh I missed that myself. That's a positive sign though in fairness. At some level they have begun the separation,legally is a big step like.

You cannot dictate how he lives his life. Only he can.

His wife is going to have to forge a path for herself. He should be paying a fixed amount to her in maintence every month and cap it at that.

You sound like his mistress to be honest.